3. I giàn ài kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h
Án-ne í-gōa, Gopal chha-put-to hām chit-ê sè-kài bô siáⁿ kò-jîn ê chiap-chhiok. I koàn-sì chá khí àm khùn, m̄-koh taⁿ, in-ūi bô kang-chok mā bô pêng-iú, tī chá-sî ùi thâu kàu bóe tha̍k oân "New York Sî-pò" hām "Ka-têng Sin-bûn & Lūn-tôaⁿ Pò" liáu, Gopal kám-kak kui-ê ē-po͘ kap àm-sî lóng phû-phû. Ū kúi-ā lé-pài, ūi tio̍h chhiong-si̍t i ê ji̍t-chí, i chhì-khòaⁿ chi̍t-kang nn̄g-kái sé sin-khu kap thì chhùi-chhiu, chia̍h tiám-sim hām chiàⁿ-tǹg liáu lóng lù chhùi-khí. M̄-koh chit-chióng bô ì-gī ê hêng-ûi hō͘ i kám-kak choa̍t-bōng, chū án-ne i tian-tò m̄ koh-chài sé sin-khu, khai-sí lú khùn lú kú, sīm-chì chi̍t-kang khùn 16 tiám-cheng. I khùn tī tn̂g-tn̂g e̍h-e̍h ê kheh-thiaⁿ, hia koân koh tn̂g liau ê thang-á hō͘ chhiū-á cha̍h tio̍h. Ū chi̍t-kái, in-ūi hoat sèng-tē khì ka-tī, i kui-khì kā saⁿ-khò͘ ùi pâng-keng saⁿ-tû lóng sóa lâi khǹg tī kheh-thiaⁿ piah-kak, bián-tit kō͘ hoàn-sióng an-ùi ka-tī, siūⁿ kóng i ê seng-oa̍h sī chèng-siông ê.
M̄-koh i giàn ài kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h, giàn ài chheng-khì ê chàu-kha, giàn ài khùn-pâng, giàn ài chhut-khì pha̍k ji̍t-thâu; chū án-ne hit chá-khí tī pòaⁿ ì-sek ê chúi-chún hā, Gopal koat-tēng lī-iōng boeh lia̍h tio̍h Shaw Tt ê chhì-kek, kā ka-tī piàn tò-tńg kòe-khì ê ka-tī. Yi hoān-sè ē lâi in tau siau-mô͘ sî-kan, i án-ne siūⁿ, só͘-tì i khai-sí lù chàu-kha tē-pán, poaⁿ-tńg khùn-pâng, kō͘ khip-tîn-khì piàⁿ-sàu só͘-ū ê pâng-keng. I iōng hit ē-po͘ tōa pō͘-hūn ê sî-kan chò che, mā it-ti̍t chù-ì tio̍h pōe-kéng ū i ê lu-chháu-ki ê hiⁿ siaⁿ. Chi̍t-ē chù-ì kā thiaⁿ, i ê sim-chōng tō khí-tiô. Sam-put-gō͘-sî, i tō thêng-khùn, cháu khì khùn-pâng ê thang-á, bih tī thang-lî āu-bīn, thau-thau lia̍h Shaw Tt tiu-tiu siòng. Yi tī hia̍h-thâu pa̍k chi̍t-tiâu âng tòa, i m̄-chai án-nóa kám-kak án-ne chin bê-lâng. Hit-àm i ūi ka-tī pān chi̍t-tǹg chheⁿ-chhau, chú saⁿ pôaⁿ chhài koh chò mango-seh (mango shake). Kúi-ā kò goe̍h lâi tē-it kái, Gopal khòaⁿ 11-tiám sin-bûn. I kā tiān-hóe koaiⁿ-tiāu, siang-kha khiau tī kē toh-á. Lebanon koh cho-siū hong-chà, Gopal bô-tāi-bô-chì khí ài-chhiò. I chhì siūⁿ bîn-á-chài boeh chhòng siáⁿ. Gopal chai-iaⁿ i teh hoaⁿ-hí, ūi-tio̍h bián-tit ut-chut, i tio̍h hō͘ ka-tī pó-chhî bô-êng, it-ti̍t kàu Shaw Tt khà tiān-ōe lâi. I hut-jiân ì-sek tio̍h, i m̄-chai Shaw Tt ê miâ. I sô-ji̍p àm bong-bong ê chàu-kha, khòaⁿ tiān-ōe phō͘. "Helen Shaw" in bó͘ ê tōa-khian jī án-ne siá tī hia. In bo͘ ê chit-chióng hong-sek ê pang-chō͘, hō͘ i chi̍t-sut-á to bē mâ-hoân, hiah sūn-lī, soah hō͘ i kám-kak kiàn-siàu.
Keh-kang sī lé-pài ji̍t, Gopal chhia̍k-chhia̍k-tiô teh kî-thāi, in-ūi lé-pài ji̍t ê "Sî-pò" chóng-sī kāu-kāu chi̍t-tha̍h, ū-kàu i tha̍k kui-ji̍t. M̄-koh chit-kái, i bô kā tha̍k thàu-thàu. I kā chheh-phêng hām kî-thaⁿ choan-nôa lâu lo̍h-lâi, thap í-āu kúi-kang ê sî-kan. Chia̍h chi̍t-tǹg phông-phài ê chá-tǹg liáu-āu -- hó-hó chú saⁿ-tǹg ê siūⁿ-hoat í-keng chhim-chhim khip-ín tio̍h i -- i cháu khì thì-thâu. Gopal í-keng kúi-ā kang bô lī-khui i ê chhù. I iô lo̍h i ê nâ-sek Honda Civic ê chhia-thang, sái khah tn̂g ê lō͘, keng-kòe ô͘, khì kàu siong-tiûⁿ. I bô khì chhōe pêng-siông ê thì-thâu-sai, sī khì chhōe chi̍t-ê hoat-hêng siat-kè-su hia, chi̍t-ê lâu tn̂g chéng-kah, leng tōa kah chuh-chuh ê cha-bó͘, seng kā i sé-thâu, chiah chián i ê thâu-chang. Koh-lâi, Gopal tī siong-tiûⁿ lin-long se̍h, hiáng-siū leng-iû pōng hoan-be̍h ê khì-bī, him-sióng ū-sî thâu-chang ní koài-sek ê ko͘-niû-á. I kiâⁿ-ji̍p chi̍t-kóa sè-keng tiàm khòaⁿ saⁿ-á, mā khó-lī boeh bé pòaⁿ-pōng cocoa kháu-bī ê kapi tāu, sui-bóng i it-hiòng bô chù-tiōng kapi. Kiâⁿ chha-put-to nn̄g tiám-cheng liáu-āu, Gopal chē tī chi̍t-tiâu tn̂g-í, ná chia̍h ais-krím-kóng, ná tha̍k "Cosmopolitan" cha̍p-chì nih, iú-koan án-nóa chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê hó ê ài-jîn ê bûn-chiuⁿ. I tī CVS siong-tiàm khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-pún cha̍p-chì, chù-ì hong-bīn ū thê-khí chit-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ, hō͘ i siūⁿ-khí, tī Bí-kok, lâng-lâng chin hong-piān tō o̍h tio̍h sin ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. In-ūi Shaw Tt sī Bí-kok lâng, Gopal siūⁿ, i tio̍h gián-kiù in tùi i ê kî-thāi. Sui-jiân bûn-chiuⁿ sī kà cha-bó͘ án-nóa chiâⁿ-chò hó ê ài-jîn, che mā thê-kiong sòaⁿ-soh hō͘ cha-po͘. Gopal kám-kak ū chū-sìn, chí-iàu ū sî-kan, Shaw Tt chóng-sī ē ài tio̍h i. Bûn-chiuⁿ kā loân-ài siá kah chin khin-khó. Lí só͘ su-iàu chò ê tō sī chīn-sim thiaⁿ, kóng láu-si̍t ōe.
Gō͘-tiám chó-iū i tńg kàu chhù, kòe bô kú Shaw Tt tō khà tiān-ōe lâi. "Lí nā boeh, taⁿ lí ē-sái kòe lâi."
"Hó," Gopal kā ìn. I chin pêng-chēng. I seng khì sé sin-khu, chhēng nâ-sek mî siatchuh, khahki-sek tn̂g-khò͘. I kiâⁿ chhut-khì ê sî, thiⁿ-sek hún-âng, khong-khì ū tâm thô͘ ê bī. I kám-kak siàu-liân, bē-su i tú lâi-kàu Bí-kok, tōa chhioh-tō͘ ê sū-sū hāng-hāng mā hō͘ i chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê kū-jîn.
Tán i chhi̍h Shaw Tt ê mn̂g-lêng ê sî, Gopal soah khí kín-tiuⁿ. I oa̍t-sin khòaⁿ khòng-khoah thian-khong nih ê pe̍h-hûn. I thiaⁿ tio̍h kha-pō͘ siaⁿ, jiân-āu mn̂g siú chi̍t-siaⁿ khui--khui, Shaw Tt ê siaⁿ. "Lí khòaⁿ khí-lâi chiâⁿ iân-tâu," yi kóng. Gopal bīn tùi yi, gi-gi chhiò, chin bô chū-chāi. Yi chhēng chi̍t-niá bô kāng ê ūn-tōng-saⁿ, m̄-koh iáu sī cha-hng ê bān-cháu-khò͘. Yi thǹg chhiah-kha. Yi ê āu-bīn tiám chi̍t-pha n̂g-sek ê teng-hóe.
"To-siā lí," Gopal kóng, sûi koh hiông-hiông ke chi̍t-siaⁿ "Helen," án-ne thang khak-tēng in ê sin koan-hē. "Lí khòaⁿ khí-lâi mā chin chán." Chāi i khòaⁿ, yi khak-si̍t chin súi. Shaw Tt khiā piⁿ-á hō͘ i ji̍p-lâi. In lâi kàu chi̍t-ê tōa pâng-keng nih. Tiong-ng ū nn̄g-chō phú-pe̍h phòng-í, pâi chò L hêng, bīn hiòng chi̍t-tâi tiān-sī. Piⁿ-á sī chi̍t-ê sió-hêng chàu-kha -- chi̍t-chō lô͘-tâi, chi̍t-tâi peng-siuⁿ, hām chi̍t-kóa tû-á tī chúi-chô kap kūi-tâi téng-koân.
Khòaⁿ tio̍h Gopal teh sì-kè khòaⁿ, Shaw Tt kóng, "Āu-bīn ū nn̄g-keng khùn-pâng hām e̍k-sek. Lí boeh lim siáⁿ-mi̍h bô? Lí nā boeh, góa ū kó-chiap." Yi kiâⁿ khì chàu-kha.
"Lí boeh lim siáⁿ?" Gopal mn̄g, ná tòe tī yi āu-bīn. "Lí lim siáⁿ, góa tō lim siáⁿ." Jiân-āu i soah kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè. Shaw Tt hián-jiân bô án-nóa táⁿ-pān. "Taⁿ m̄-thang," che sī lé-māu ê kī-choa̍t.
"Góa goân-pún boeh lim gin /jín/ lām pó͘-io̍h chiú," yi ná kóng, ná khui peng-siuⁿ koh khiā tī hia, chi̍t-ki chhiú khǹg tī kha-chhng-táu.
"Góa mā boeh lim he." Gopal kiâⁿ óa yi, koh hut-leh khì chim yi ê chhùi-tûn. Yi bô hoán-khòng, m̄-koh mā bô hoán-èng. Yi ê chhùi-tûn kian-kian. Gopal sóa khui, hō͘ yi khì chún-pī ím-liāu. I it-ti̍t hi-bāng chit-ê chim ē-tàng hō͘ i chai ū siáⁿ thang kî-thāi.
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3. 伊癮愛過去 ê 生活
Án-ne 以外, Gopal 差不多和這个世界無啥個人 ê 接觸. 伊慣勢早起暗睏, 毋過今, 因為無工作 mā 無朋友, tī 早時 ùi 頭到尾讀完 "New York 時報" 和 "家庭新聞&論壇報" 了, Gopal 感覺規个下晡 kap 暗時攏浮浮. 有幾若禮拜, 為著充實伊 ê 日子, 伊試看一工兩改洗身軀 kap 剃喙鬚, 食點心和正頓了攏鑢喙齒. 毋過這種無意義 ê 行為予伊感覺絕望, 自 án-ne 伊顛倒毋閣再洗身軀, 開始 lú 睏 lú 久, 甚至一工睏 16 點鐘. 伊睏 tī 長長狹狹 ê 客廳, hia 懸 koh 長 liau ê 窗仔予樹仔閘著. 有一改, 因為發性地氣家治, 伊規氣 kā 衫褲 ùi 房間衫櫥攏徙來囥 tī 客廳壁角, 免得 kō͘ 幻想安慰家治, 想講伊 ê 生活是正常 ê.
毋過伊癮愛過去 ê 生活, 癮愛清氣 ê 灶跤, 癮愛睏房, 癮愛出去曝日頭; 自 án-ne 彼早起 tī 半意識 ê 水準下, Gopal 決定利用欲掠著 Shaw Tt ê 刺激, kā 家治變倒轉過去 ê 家治. 她凡勢會來 in 兜消磨時間, 伊 án-ne 想, 所致伊開始鑢灶跤地板, 搬轉睏房, kō͘ 吸塵器拚掃所有 ê 房間. 伊用彼下晡大部份 ê 時間做這, mā 一直注意著背景有伊 ê 攄草機 ê hiⁿ 聲. 一下注意 kā 聽, 伊 ê 心臟 tō 起趒. 三不五時, 伊 tō 停睏, 走去睏房 ê 窗仔, 覕 tī 窗簾後面, 偷偷掠 Shaw Tt tiu-tiu 相. 她 tī 額頭縛一條紅帶, 伊毋知按怎感覺 án-ne 真迷人. 彼暗伊為家治辦一頓腥臊, 煮三盤菜 koh 做 mango-seh (mango shake). 幾若個月來第一改, Gopal 看 11 點新聞. 伊 kā 電火關掉, 雙跤蹺 tī 低桌仔. Lebanon koh 遭受轟炸, Gopal 無代無誌起愛笑. 伊試想明仔載欲創啥. Gopal 知影伊 teh 歡喜, 為著免得鬱卒, 伊著予家治保持無閒, 一直到 Shaw Tt 敲電話來. 伊忽然意識著, 伊毋知 Shaw Tt ê 名. 伊趖入暗摸摸 ê 灶跤, 看電話簿. "Helen Shaw" in 某 ê 大圈字 án-ne 寫 tī hia. In 某 ê 這種方式 ê 幫助, 予伊一屑仔 to 袂麻煩, hiah 順利, 煞予伊感覺見笑.
隔工是禮拜日, Gopal 嚓嚓趒 teh 期待, 因為禮拜日 ê "時報" 總是厚厚一疊, 有夠伊讀規日. 毋過這改, 伊無 kā 讀透透. 伊 kā 冊評和其他專欄留落來, thap 以後幾工 ê 時間. 食一頓澎湃 ê 早頓了後 -- 好好煮三頓 ê 想法已經深深吸引著伊 -- 伊走去剃頭. Gopal 已經幾若工無離開伊 ê 厝. 伊搖落伊 ê 藍色 Honda Civic ê 車窗, 駛較長 ê 路, 經過湖, 去到商場. 伊無去揣平常 ê 剃頭師, 是去揣一个髮型設計師 hia, 一个留長指甲, 奶大甲 chuh-chuh ê 查某, 先 kā 伊洗頭, 才剪伊 ê 頭鬃. 閣來, Gopal tī 商場 lin-long 踅, 享受奶油磅番麥 ê 氣味, 欣賞有時頭鬃染怪色 ê 姑娘仔. 伊行入一寡細間店看衫仔, mā 考慮欲買半磅 cocoa 口味 ê kapi 豆, 雖罔伊一向無注重 kapi. 行差不多兩點鐘了後, Gopal 坐 tī 一條長椅, ná 食 ais-krím 管, ná 讀 "Cosmopolitan" 雜誌 nih, 有關按怎成做一个好 ê 愛人 ê 文章. 伊 tī CVS 商店看著一本雜誌, 注意封面有提起這篇文章, 予伊想起, tī 美國, 人人真方便 tō 學著新 ê 物件. 因為 Shaw Tt 是美國人, Gopal 想, 伊著研究 in 對伊 ê 期待. 雖然文章是教查某按怎成做好 ê 愛人, 這 mā 提供線索予查埔. Gopal 感覺有自信, 只要有時間, Shaw Tt 總是會愛著伊. 文章 kā 戀愛寫甲真輕可. 你所需要做 ê 就是盡心聽, 講老實話.
五點左右伊轉到厝, 過無久 Shaw Tt tō 敲電話來. "你若欲, 今你會使過來."
"好," Gopal kā 應. 伊真平靜. 伊先去洗身軀, 穿藍色棉 siatchuh, khaki 色長褲. 伊行出去 ê 時, 天色粉紅, 空氣有澹塗 ê 味. 伊感覺少年, 袂輸伊拄來到美國, 大尺度 ê 事事項項 mā 予伊成做一个巨人.
等伊揤 Shaw Tt ê 門鈴 ê 時, Gopal 煞起緊張. 伊越身看曠闊天空 nih ê 白雲. 伊聽著跤步聲, 然後門 siú 一聲開--開, Shaw Tt ê 聲. "你看起來誠緣投," 她講. Gopal 面對她, gi-gi 笑, 真無自在. 她穿一領無仝 ê 運動衫, 毋過猶是昨昏 ê 慢走褲. 她褪赤跤. 她 ê 後面點一葩黃色 ê 燈火.
"多謝你," Gopal 講, 隨 koh 雄雄加一聲 "Helen," án-ne 通確定 in ê 新關係. "你看起來 mā 真讚." 在伊看, 她確實真媠. Shaw Tt 徛邊仔予伊入來. In 來到一个大房間 nih. 中央有兩座殕白膨椅, 排做 L 形, 面向一台電視. 邊仔是一个小型灶跤 -- 一座爐台, 一台冰箱, 和一寡櫥仔 tī 水槽 kap 櫃台頂懸.
看著 Gopal teh 四界看, Shaw Tt 講, "後面有兩間睏房和浴室. 你欲啉啥物無? 你若欲, 我有果汁." 她行去灶跤.
"你欲啉啥?" Gopal 問, ná 綴 tī 她後面. "你啉啥, 我 tō 啉啥." 然後伊煞感覺歹勢. Shaw Tt 顯然無按怎打扮. "今毋通," 這是禮貌 ê 拒絕.
"我原本欲啉 gin /jín/ 濫補藥酒," 她 ná 講, ná 開冰箱 koh 徛 tī hia, 一支手囥 tī 尻川斗.
"我 mā 欲啉彼." Gopal 行倚她, koh hut-leh 去唚她 ê 喙唇. 她無反抗, 毋過 mā 無反應. 她 ê 喙唇 kian-kian. Gopal 徙開, 予她去準備飲料. 伊一直希望這个唚會當予伊知有啥通期待.
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3.
Other than this, Gopal had had little personal contact with the world. He was accustomed to getting up early and going to bed late, but now, since he had no work and no friends, after he spent the morning reading The New York Times and The Home News & Tribune front to back, Gopal felt adrift through the afternoon and evening. For a few weeks he tried to fill his days by showering and shaving twice daily, brushing his teeth after every snack and meal. But the purposelessness of this made him despair, and he stopped bathing altogether and instead began sleeping more and more, sometimes sixteen hours a day. He slept in the living room, long and narrow with high rectangular windows blocked by trees. At some point, in a burst of self-hate, Gopal moved his clothes from the bedroom closet to a corner of the living room, wanting to avoid comforting himself with any illusions that his life was normal.
But he yearned for his old life, the life of a clean kitchen, of a bedroom, of going out into the sun, and on a half-conscious level that morning Gopal decided to use the excitement of clasping Mrs. Shaw to change himself back to the man he had been. She might be spending time at his house, he thought, so he mopped the kitchen floor, moved back into his bedroom, vacuumed and dusted all the rooms. He spent most of the afternoon doing this, aware always of his humming lawn mower in the background. He had only to focus on it to make his heart race. Every now and then he would stop working and go to his bedroom window, where, from behind the curtains, he would stare at Mrs. Shaw. She had a red bandanna tied around her forehead, and he somehow found this appealing. That night he made himself an elaborate dinner with three dishes and a mango shake. For the first time in months Gopal watched the eleven o'clock news. He had the lights off and his feet up on a low table. Lebanon was being bombed again, and Gopal kept bursting into giggles for no reason. He tried to think of what he would do tomorrow. Gopal knew that he was happy and that to avoid depression he must keep himself busy until Mrs. Shaw called. He suddenly realized that he did not know Mrs. Shaw's first name. He padded into the darkened kitchen and looked at the phone diary. "Helen Shaw" was written in the big, loopy handwriting of his wife. Having his wife help him in this way did not bother him at all, and then he felt ashamed that it didn't.
THE next day was Sunday, and Gopal anticipated it cheerfully, for the Sunday Times was frequently so thick that he could spend the whole day reading it. But this time he did not read it all the way through. He left the book review and the other features sections to fill time over the next few days. After eating a large breakfast -- the idea of preparing elaborate meals had begun to appeal to him -- he went for a haircut. Gopal had not left his house in several days. He rolled down the window of his blue Honda Civic and took the long way, past the lake, to the mall. Instead of going to his usual barber, he went to a hair stylist, where a woman with long nails and large, contented breasts shampooed his hair before cutting it. Then Gopal wandered around the mall, savoring its buttered-popcorn smell and enjoying the sight of the girls with their sometimes odd-colored hair. He went into some of the small shops and looked at clothes, and considered buying a half pound of cocoa amaretto coffee beans, although he had never cared much for coffee. After walking for nearly two hours, Gopal sat on a bench and ate an ice cream cone while reading an article in Cosmopolitan about what makes a good lover. He had seen the magazine in CVS and, noting the article mentioned on the cover, had been reminded how easily one can learn anything in America. Because Mrs. Shaw was an American, Gopal thought, he needed to do research into what might be expected of him. Although the article was about what makes a woman a good lover, it offered clues for men as well. Gopal felt confident that given time, Mrs. Shaw would love him. The article made attachment appear effortless. All you had to do was listen closely and speak honestly.
He returned home around five, and Mrs. Shaw called soon after. "If you want, you can come over now."
"All right," Gopal answered. He was calm. He showered and put on a blue cotton shirt and khaki slacks. When he stepped outside, the sky was turning pink and the air smelled of wet earth. He felt young, as if he had just arrived in America and the huge scale of things had made him a giant as well.
But when he rang Mrs. Shaw's doorbell, Gopal became nervous. He turned around and looked at the white clouds against the enormous sky. He heard footsteps and then the door swishing open and Mrs. Shaw's voice. "You look handsome," she said. Gopal faced her, smiling and uncomfortable. She wore a different sweatshirt, but still had on yesterday's jogging pants. She was barefoot. A yellow light shone behind her.
"Thank you," Gopal said, and then nervously added "Helen," to confirm their new relationship. "You look nice too." She did look pretty to him. Mrs. Shaw stepped aside to let him in. They were in a large room. In the center were two pale couches forming an L, with a television in front of them. Off to the side was a kitchenette -- a stove, a refrigerator, and some cabinets over a sink and counter.
Seeing Gopal looking around, Mrs. Shaw said, "There are two bedrooms in the back, and a bathroom. Would you like anything to drink? I have juice, if you want." She walked to the kitchen.
"What are you going to have?" Gopal asked, following her. "If you have something, I'll have something." Then he felt embarrassed. Mrs. Shaw had not dressed up; obviously, "Not now" had been a polite rebuff.
"I was going to have a gin and tonic," she said, opening the refrigerator and standing before it with one hand on her hip.
"I would like that too." Gopal came close to her and with a dart kissed her on the lips. She did not resist, but neither did she respond. Her lips were chapped. Gopal pulled away and let her make the drinks. He had hoped the kiss would tell him something of what to expect.
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