4. Venice lī chia hóe-chhia nn̄g tiám-cheng hn̄g
Venice lī chia hóe-chhia nn̄g tiám-cheng hn̄g, sī lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê bē-sái chhò-kòe ê ki-hōe. Goán bô boeh kòe-mê, in-ūi Bologna ê hotel í-keng la̍p-chîⁿ ah, goán boeh khì hia se̍h kúi tiám-cheng tō tó-tńg lâi. Tī hóe-chhia téng, góa kim-kim khòaⁿ keng-kòe ê chhân-hn̂g, he pâi chê-chê, góa hoat-kak tī Bulgaria m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe; ùi Sofia chē hóe-chhia óng hái-hōaⁿ, lō͘-piⁿ ê chhân-hn̂g jû-chháng-chháng, ōe kah oai-ko chhi̍h-chhoa̍h, tō ná góa gín-á sî-tāi kì-tî ê chhân-hn̂g, goán ka-cho̍k tī Kentucky ê chhân-hn̂g, bô chhiūⁿ chia hiah kui-chek, hiah sì-chiàⁿ. Góa kim-kim khòaⁿ in, khòaⁿ kah tio̍h-bê, it-ti̍t kàu kám-kak tio̍h R. ê chhiú khǹg tī góa ê kha-ba̍k kiò góa tńg-lâi, góa chiah oa̍t tńg-lâi. Goán chē sio tùi-hiòng, góa chhun kha khòe tī i piⁿ-á ê khang-ūi, i kō͘ chéng-thâu-á kau góa ê gû-á-khò͘ khò͘-kha, su-té hā khin-khin tiuh, thâu bô gia̍h khí-lâi ná teh khòaⁿ chheh. M̄-koh, góa chai, i bô teh tha̍k-chheh, i kan-ta khin-khin bî-chhiò, ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ chheh-ia̍h, tng-teh kám-siū góa khòaⁿ i ê gán-sîn.
Goán bô tī Venice ê kè-ōe, bô seng chò siáⁿ gián-kiù. M̄-koh án-ne bô iàu-kín, kan-ta khì hia tō ū-kàu hó ah, tī ba̍t-ba̍t ê chúi kap teh tîm ê chio̍h tiong-kan; hāng-hāng ū thóng-it ê súi, kui-phiàn ê kî-miāu. Ta̍k-ê oat-kak lóng hō͘ R. chàn-thàn, ta̍k-keng goán ta̍h-ji̍p ê kàu-tn̂g, ta̍k-chō tāi-lí-chio̍h tiau-siōng, lóng ná chhiūⁿ hái-éng ek kòe-lâi, ná chhiūⁿ su-sióng ê kún-ká. Lín-niâ leh chiah-ê lâng, R. khin-siaⁿ kóng, hit-sî goán teh khòaⁿ chi̍t-ê ū ōe-tô͘ ê thian-pông, lín-niâ leh in ē-tàng tòa chit-khoán só͘-chāi. Góa lia̍h i khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē, i chhùi gi-gi, m̄-koh góa chai i chin chèng-keng, a̍h sī i pòaⁿ chèng-keng. I chhiâng-chāi kóng, i seⁿ m̄-tio̍h só͘-chāi; i án-ne kóng, àu Portugal, àu Algarve, àu Azores Kûn-tó, àu Lisbon, tāi-chì ē lóng bô sio-kāng, i ê sèⁿ-miā chiâⁿ khioh-ka̍k. Ū-sî-chūn góa ē-tàng chhōa i chhut chit-chióng sim-chêng, góa ē-tàng kā chim, kā kóng, taⁿ lí ū chi̍t-ê sin seng-oa̍h, lí hām góa chò-hóe, siáng chai lán ê kiat-kio̍k tī tó, sī Europa a̍h Bí-kok, siáng chai lán ē ū siáⁿ-khoán ê mō͘-hiám, m̄-koh ū-sî-chūn i kā góa tháⁿ-khui, oa̍t-bīn m̄ khòaⁿ góa. Lán bē-tàng chò soán-te̍k, i kóng, lán siūⁿ-kóng lán ē-sái, m̄-koh he sī chi̍t-ê hoàn-kak, lán sī thâng-thōa, lán hō͘ lâng ta̍h-tio̍h a̍h bô ta̍h-tio̍h, tāi-chì tō sī án-ne niâ. I án-ne kóng ê sî, góa siáⁿ to bē-tit chò, m̄-koán chò siáⁿ, tāi-chì lóng piàn koh khah bái, m̄-sī góa siūⁿ-khì a̍h siong-sim, a̍h boeh kap i hun-hióng góa ê hēng-hok, góa chhiâng-chāi kám-kak tio̍h ê hēng-hok, kan-ta tiām-tiām khòaⁿ i teh khùn, teh tha̍k-chheh, teh khòaⁿ i chhiú-kōaⁿ tiān-náu ê êng-bō͘ góa tō kám-kak hēng-hok. He sī chi̍t-chióng sak bē-tāng ê le̍k-liōng, hit-chióng sim-chêng ū-sî-chūn kàng-lîm tī i, góa khióng-kiaⁿ taⁿ he tng-teh kàng-lîm, he ē hō͘ goán chit-kang chhun ê sî-kan piàn o͘-àm. Ka-chài, bô kàng-lîm. Tán goán lī-khui kàu-tn̂g, chhìn-chhái se̍h kòe āu chi̍t-ê oat-kak ê sî, i khiú góa kàu chi̍t-ê iap-kak tī hia kā góa chim, kō͘ siang-chhiú hû góa ê chhùi-phé. Góa m̄-káⁿ siong-sìn góa tī chia, i kóng, che ná chhiūⁿ sī tiān-iáⁿ, góa hām góa ê Bí-kok lâm pêng-iú tī Venice. I chhiò chhut-lâi. Goán sió-mōe tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē ba̍k-chhiah, yi it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh kau Bí-kok lâm pêng-iú, m̄-koh góa tāi-seng kau tio̍h. Án-ne liáu, i tō koh khí-kiâⁿ, kō͘ chhiú khan góa tī āu-bīn. I tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ án-ne chò, khiú góa ji̍p mn̂g-lō͘, ji̍p sió-hāng kā góa chim, chóng-sī hām góa sió-khóa pó-chhî kī-lī, m̄-koh pa̍t-lâng iáu-sī chù-ì tio̍h, kòe-lō͘ lâng m̄-sī lia̍h goán kim-kim khòaⁿ tō sī kín-kín khòaⁿ khì pa̍t-ūi. Chi̍t-ê tōa-kho͘ lāu-lâng kat ba̍k-thâu; chi̍t-tùi siàu-liân lâm-lú chhiò chhut-lâi, che góa koh-khah kòa-ì. R. ká-ná bô teh chù-ì, m̄-koh góa ū chù-ì tio̍h, che sī chi̍t-ê kî-koài ê hoán-tńg: tī chia i khah pàng ē-khui, iá góa chhiau-kip bín-kám, kám-kak tio̍h kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ ê hoán-siā, sui-bóng góa bô teh kiaⁿ, góa bô jīn-ûi góa ē kiaⁿ.
Goán ûi-it ê goân-chek tō sī lī kî-thaⁿ koan-kong kheh khah hn̄g leh, hiah-ê koan-kong kheh kui-tīn tòe tī tō-iû āu-bīn sóa-tāng, tō-iû gia̍h chi̍t-ki pèⁿ tn̂g-tn̂g ê kî-á tī thâu-khak téng, sè-sè ê kî-á it-poaⁿ sī hiáⁿ-ba̍k ê saⁿ-kak hêng. Mài tòe in, tāi-piáu bô khòaⁿ tio̍h tiōng-iàu ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, m̄-koh góa bô iàu-ì che, góa chū-lâi m̄-bat iàu-ì tiōng-iàu ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, in ê piⁿ hông khòaⁿ kah kiông boeh ui khì ah, bô siáⁿ-mi̍h ta̍t-tit góa koh khì khòaⁿ ah. Góa koh khah kah-ì goán oat ji̍p-khì ê àm-hāng, ūn-hô piⁿ ê sió-lō͘. Sīm-chì tī hia mā ū chhan-thiaⁿ kap tiàm-á, chit-ê tó-siōng bô chi̍t-ê só͘-chāi bô teh koan-sim iû-kheh, ùi gōa-tē lâi ê chîⁿ sī chit só͘-chāi ê hoeh. Goán khiā tī jîn-hêng kiô téng, khòaⁿ khò tī nn̄g-hōaⁿ ê chûn kō͘ phâng-pò͘ pa̍k tio̍h, nn̄g-pêng ê chhâ sī chhim nâ a̍h chhim le̍k, khòaⁿ in tī chúi nih àm-àm ê tò-iáⁿ. Sî-kan bô sǹg òaⁿ, m̄-koh í-keng chiām-chiām teh àm ah, siōng-bô tī goán chit-ê ūi, ji̍t-thâu í-keng pàng-sak e̍h-e̍h ê sió-hāng hō͘ hông-hun. Goán í-keng hn̄g-hn̄g lī-khui hông-úi ê kiong-tiān a̍h kàu-tn̂g; góa taⁿ ê só͘-chāi ū kō͘ sok-ka tē-á té ê pùn-sò khǹg tī mn̂g piⁿ. Chia sī lâng seng-oa̍h ê só͘-chāi, R. kóng, chi̍t-kù chhiàu-tâm ê Eng-gí hō͘ i thiaⁿ tio̍h ná chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê kek-bēng-ka. Jiân-āu i chhiò chhut-lâi, pí thâu-chêng, pí chi̍t-ê ū "billa" jī-iūⁿ ê n̂g-sek tē-á, âng-sek ê hīⁿ phah chi̍t-ê ia̍h-á kat. He sī goán tī Mladost tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ khì ê tiàm, sī goán chhù hū-kīn ê tiàm. Góa chai he sī tōa liân-só-tiàm ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn, tī Europa sì-kè lóng ū, m̄-koh tī chia tú tio̍h i, iáu-sī kám-kak chiâⁿ hó-ūn.
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4. Venice 離遮火車兩點鐘遠
Venice 離遮火車兩點鐘遠, 是另外一个袂使錯過 ê 機會. 阮無欲過暝, 因為 Bologna ê hotel 已經納錢 ah, 阮欲去遐踅幾點鐘 tō 倒轉來. Tī 火車頂, 我金金看經過 ê 田園, 彼排齊齊, 我發覺 tī Bulgaria 毋捌看過; ùi Sofia 坐火車往海岸, 路邊 ê 田園挐氅氅, 畫甲歪膏揤斜, tō ná 我囡仔時代記持 ê 田園, 阮家族 tī Kentucky ê 田園, 無像遮 hiah 規則, hiah 四正. 我金金看 in, 看甲著迷, 一直到感覺著 R. ê 手囥 tī 我 ê 跤目叫我轉來, 我才越轉來. 阮坐相對向, 我伸跤蹶 tī 伊邊仔 ê 空位, 伊 kō͘ 指頭仔勾我 ê 牛仔褲褲跤, 私底下輕輕搐, 頭無攑起來 ná teh 看冊. 毋過, 我知, 伊無 teh 讀冊, 伊干焦輕輕微笑, 目睭看冊頁, tng-teh 感受我看伊 ê 眼神.
阮無 tī Venice ê 計畫, 無先做啥研究. 毋過 án-ne 無要緊, 干焦去 hia tō 有夠好 ah, tī 密密 ê 水 kap teh 沉 ê 石中間; 項項有統一 ê 媠, 規遍 ê 奇妙. 逐个斡角攏予 R. 讚嘆, 逐間阮踏入 ê 教堂, 逐座大理石雕像, 攏 ná 像海湧溢過來, ná 像思想 ê 滾絞. 恁娘 leh chiah-ê 人, R. 輕聲講, 彼時阮 teh 看一个有畫圖 ê 天篷, 恁娘 leh in 會當蹛這款所在. 我掠伊看一下, 伊喙 gi-gi, 毋過我知伊真正經, a̍h 是伊半正經. 伊常在講, 伊生毋著所在; 伊 án-ne 講, 漚 Portugal, 漚 Algarve, 漚 Azores 群島, 漚 Lisbon, 代誌會攏無相仝, 伊 ê 性命誠抾捔. 有時陣我會當 chhōa 伊出這種心情, 我會當 kā 唚, kā 講, 今你有一个新生活, 你和我做伙, siáng 知咱 ê 結局 tī 佗, 是 Europa a̍h 美國, siáng 知咱會有啥款 ê 冒險, 毋過有時陣伊 kā 我挺開, 越面毋看我. 咱袂當做選擇, 伊講, 咱想講咱會使, 毋過彼是一个幻覺, 咱是蟲豸, 咱予人踏著 a̍h 無踏著, 代誌就是 án-ne niâ. 伊 án-ne 講 ê 時, 我啥 to 袂得做, 毋管做啥, 代誌攏變閣較䆀, 毋是我受氣 a̍h 傷心, a̍h 欲 kap 伊分享我 ê 幸福, 我常在感覺著 ê 幸福, 干焦恬恬看伊 teh 睏, teh 讀冊, teh 看伊手捾電腦 ê 螢幕我 tō 感覺幸福. 彼是一種捒袂動 ê 力量, 彼種心情有時陣降臨 tī 伊, 我恐驚今彼 tng-teh 降臨, 彼會予阮這工賰 ê 時間變烏暗. 佳哉, 無降臨. 等阮離開教堂, 凊彩踅過後一个斡角 ê 時, 伊搝我到一个揜角 tī hia kā 我唚, kō͘ 雙手扶我 ê 喙䫌. 我毋敢相信我 tī chia, 伊講, 這 ná 像是電影, 我和我 ê 美國男朋友 tī Venice. 伊笑出來. 阮小妹定著會目赤, 她一直想欲交美國男朋友, 毋過我代先交著. Án-ne 了, 伊 tō koh 起行, kō͘ 手牽我 tī 後面. 伊定定 án-ne 做, 搝我入門路, 入小巷 kā 我唚, 總是和我小可保持距離, 毋過別人猶是注意著, 過路人毋是掠阮金金看就是緊緊看去別位. 一个大箍老人結目頭; 一對少年男女笑出來, 這我閣較掛意. R. ká-ná 無 teh 注意, 毋過我有注意著, 這是一个奇怪 ê 反轉: tī chia 伊較放會開, iá 我超級敏感, 感覺著驚惶 ê 反射, 雖罔我無 teh 驚, 我無認為我會驚.
阮唯一 ê 原則就是離其他觀光客較遠 leh, hiah-ê 觀光客規陣綴 tī 導遊後面徙動, 導遊攑一支柄長長 ê 旗仔 tī 頭殼頂, 細細 ê 旗仔一般是顯目 ê 三角形. 莫綴 in, 代表無看著重要 ê 物件, 毋過我無要意這, 我自來毋捌要意重要 ê 物件, in ê 邊 hông 看 kah 強欲 ui 去 ah, 無啥物值得我閣去看 ah. 我閣較佮意阮斡入去 ê 暗巷, 運河邊 ê 小路. 甚至 tī hia mā 有餐廳 kap 店仔, 這个島上無一个所在無 teh 關心遊客, ùi 外地來 ê 錢是這所在 ê 血. 阮徛 tī 人行橋頂, 看靠 tī 兩岸 ê 船 kō͘ 帆布縛著, 兩爿 ê 柴是深藍 a̍h 深綠, 看 in tī 水 nih 暗暗 ê 倒影. 時間無算晏, 毋過已經漸漸 teh 暗 ah, 上無 tī 阮這个位, 日頭已經放捒狹狹 ê 小巷予黃昏. 阮已經遠遠離開宏偉 ê 宮殿 a̍h 教堂; 我今 ê 所在有 kō͘ 塑膠袋仔貯 ê 糞埽囥 tī 門邊. Chia 是人生活 ê 所在, R. 講, 一句笑談 ê 英語予伊聽著 ná 像一个革命家. 然後伊笑出來, 比頭前, 比一个有 "billa" 字樣 ê 黃色袋仔, 紅色 ê 耳拍一个蝶仔結. 彼是阮 tī Mladost 定定去 ê 店, 是阮厝附近 ê 店. 我知彼是大連鎖店 ê 一部份, tī Europa 四界攏有, 毋過 tī 遮拄著伊, 猶是感覺誠好運.
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4.
Venice was two hours away by train, another unmissable chance. We wouldn’t stay the night, the hotel in Bologna was already paid for, we would spend a few hours exploring and then come back. On the train I stared at the fields we passed, which were laid out neatly, in lines I realized I had never seen in Bulgaria; the fields alongside the train from Sofia to the coast were shaggy, inexactly drawn, like the fields I remembered from my childhood, my family’s fields in Kentucky, nothing like this clean geometry. I stared at them, hypnotized, and turned away only when I felt R.’s hand on my ankle, calling me back. We were facing each other, I had my foot on the empty seat beside him, and he had hooked his fingers underneath the cuff of my jeans and was stroking me softly, privately, not looking up from his book. But I knew he wasn’t reading, he was smiling just slightly, his eyes on the page, he was basking in how I looked at him.
We had no plans in Venice, had done no research. But it didn’t matter, just to be there was enough, amid the capillary water and sinking stone; there was a kind of uniform beauty to everything, a blanket wonder. Every corner we turned made R. gasp, every church we stepped into, every statue with its marble frothed up like surf, like the involutions of thought. Fuck these people, R. whispered as we stared at a painted ceiling, fuck them for getting to live in a place like this. He was smiling when I glanced at him but I knew he meant it, or half meant it. He often said that he was born in the wrong place; shitty Portugal, he would say, shitty Algarve, the shitty Azores, shitty Lisbon, it should all have been different, his life was fucked. Sometimes I could bring him out of these moods, I could kiss him and say he had a new life now, his life with me, who knew where we’d end up, in Europe or America, who knew what adventures we’d have, and sometimes he pushed me away or turned his face from mine. We don’t get to choose anything, he’d say then, we think we do but it’s an illusion, we’re insects, we get stepped on or we don’t, that’s all. When he talked like this there was nothing I could do, anything I did made it worse, whether I got angry or sad or tried to make him feel my own happiness, the happiness I felt so often just looking at him, as he slept or read, or stared into the screen of his laptop. It was an immovable force, this mood that descended on him sometimes, and I worried that it was descending on him now, that it would darken the rest of our day. But it didn’t descend. When we left the church and turned blindly around the next corner he pulled me into a little alcove and kissed me, his hands on the sides of my face. I can’t believe I’m here, he said, it’s like a movie, I’m in Venice with my American boyfriend. He laughed. My sister would be so jealous, she’s always wanted an American boyfriend, and I got one first. And then he was off again, dragging me by the hand behind him. He did this repeatedly, pulling me into doorways and alleys to kiss me, always somewhere a little apart, though we were still noticed, people passing would stare at us or look decidedly away. One heavy old man scowled; a young couple laughed, which I minded more. R. seemed not to notice but I noticed, it was a weird reversal: he was the more open one here, and I was hyperaware, feeling the reflexes of fear though I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t think I was afraid.
Our only principle was to stay away from the crowds of other tourists who moved in migratory flocks, following the little pennant or flag the guides all held above their heads, tiny bright triangles on long stems. It meant not seeing the important things but I didn’t care, I had never cared about important things, their edges were rubbed smooth by too much looking, there was nothing for my attention to catch on in them. I liked the dark streets we turned into better, the narrow paths beside the canals. Even here there were restaurants and shops, nowhere on that island is indifferent to tourists, money from elsewhere is the blood of the place. We stopped on the footbridges and looked at the boats bundled up on either side of the canals, trussed in canvas, their wooden sides deep shades of blue and green, their reflections darker shadows in the water. It wasn’t late but it was getting dark already, at least where we were, the sun had abandoned the narrow alleys to an afternoon dusk. We had left the grand palazzos behind, the churches; where we were now there were plastic shopping bags filled with trash beside the doors. This is where the people live, R. said, a trick of English making him sound like a revolutionary. Then he laughed and pointed ahead, at a bright-yellow bag with the letters billa on it, its red handles tied off in a bow. It was the store we went to all the time in Mladost, our neighborhood store. I knew it was part of a big chain, that you could find them everywhere in Europe, and still it felt like a bit of good fortune to stumble across it here.
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