4. E-àm in hoān-sè ē chò-ài
In sio-phēng chē tī phòng-í lim ím-liāu. Chi̍t-pha tâi-teng ê sòaⁿ-kng iā hiòng in.
"To-siā lí kā lu-chháu-ki chioh góa iōng."
"He bô siáⁿ lah." Kú-kú ê tiām-chēng. Gopal siūⁿ bô siáⁿ thang kóng. Cosmopolitan ū kiàn-gī, tio̍h chīn-liōng to-to liáu-kái lí ê ài-jîn, só͘-tì i mn̄g, "Lí kah-ì siaⁿ-mih sek?"
"Án-nóa kóng?"
"Góa siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ lí ê it-chhè."
"Chiâⁿ kám-sim," Shaw Tt kóng, ná phok i ê chhiú. Gopal kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè, ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ kē khì. I m̄-chai sī-m̄-sī tio̍h kóng kah chiah thán-pe̍h, m̄-koh i chi̍t pō͘-hūn ì-tô͘ sī boeh kō͘ i tùi yi ê hèng-chhù lâi pa-kiat yi. "Góa bô te̍k-pia̍t kah-ì ê sek," yi kóng. Yi ê chhiú iáu tī i ê chhiú hia.
Gopal hut-jiân siūⁿ tio̍h, e-àm in hoān-sè ē chò-ài, kám-kak sim-koaⁿ phi̍h-pho̍k tiô. "Kóng lí ê it-chhè hō͘ góa thiaⁿ," i kō͘ chhiong-móa kám-sèng ê siaⁿ-tiāu án-ne kóng. "Lí tī tó-ūi chhut-sì?"
"Góa chhut-sì tī Jersey Chhī, gō͘-goe̍h chhe gō͘, m̄-koh góa m̄-kóng sī tó chi̍t-nî." Gopal kek chi̍t-ê hó-sńg gi-chhùi ê bīn, ná kín kā ji̍t-chí kì tio̍h. I sió-khóa kám-kak gāi-gio̍h, in-ūi yi tùi i bô chū-chāi kah khéng thàu-lō͘ yi ê nî-kí.
"Lí sī tī hia tōa-hàn ê sioh?" i mn̄g, ná sip chi̍t-chhùi gin io̍h-chiú. Gopal bān-bān lim, in-ūi chai-iáⁿ i ê chiú-liōng bô hó. I khòaⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt ê kha-cháiⁿ chhat chhiⁿ-âng ê. Anita m̄-bat chhat chéng-kah, Gopal hòⁿ-kî, chhat kha-cháiⁿ ê cha-bo͘ ē chhòng-siáⁿ neh.
"Saⁿ-hòe ê sî, goán tō poaⁿ khì Newark. Goán pē-bú khui chi̍t-keng pò-chóa-thn̂g-á tiàm. Goán bē khah-phìⁿ hām iû-phiò." Shaw Tt ê ím-liāu lim boeh liáu ah. "Chá-khí 8-tiám khui-mn̂g, àm-sî 7-tiám 30 koaiⁿ. Chi̍t lé-pài khui 6 kang." Lim ím-liāu ê tiong-kan, yi kā poe-á khòe tī kha-thâu-u.
Gopal m̄-bat tú tio̍h jīm-hô tī hit-chióng tiàm kang-chok ê lâng, só͘-í i tùi yi só͘ kóng ê chin-chiàⁿ kám-kak chhù-bī. I siūⁿ khí ka-tī tùi Kitok-Seⁿ party bô hèng-chhù, soah hòⁿ-kî, kám sī in-ūi tùi seks ê kî-thāi, hō͘ i tùi Shaw Tt ê kò͘-sū tio̍h-bê. "Lí ê gín-á sî-tāi khoài-lo̍k bô?" i mn̄g, chhùi-á gi-gi koh sûi ha̍p-chhùi, in-ūi i bô-ài hián-tit sī teh khau-sé. Gopal lim ê hit pòaⁿ-poe í-keng hō͘ i kám-kak thâu-khak khin, sim-chêng sóng.
"Oh, chiâⁿ khoài-lo̍k leh," yi kóng, "sui-bóng góa jīn-ûi ka-tī chin giâm-siok. Góa ē ná khòaⁿ hông-hun ê thiⁿ-téng, ná siūⁿ-kóng bô-lâng ū góa chit-khoán ê kám-siū." Shaw Tt tùi ka-tī kám-siū ê lí-kái hō͘ Gopal kám-kak put-an, hō͘ i chi̍t-sî kám-kak bô tit-tio̍h siáⁿ tiōng-iàu ê sìn-sit, a̍h sī kóng, bó͘-chióng thêng-tō͘, yi sī to̍k-li̍p tī yi ê kòe-khì, só͘-í bē-tàng ná i ê kî-thāi, in-ūi tùi kòe-khì ê hoâi-liām cheng-ka yi tùi i ê ài-loân.
"Cosmopolitan" ū kiàn-gī, phōaⁿ-lū siang-hong lóng tio̍h hián-lō͘ ka-tī, só͘-tì Gopal koat-tēng boeh kóng chit-ê iú-koan ka-tī ê kò͘-sū. I m̄-sìn, tùi ka-tī láu-si̍t ē chin-chiàⁿ kái-piàn ka-tī. Tian-tò sī, i jīn-ûi, thiau-kò͘-ì kóng chit-ê kò͘-sū, ē chhiúⁿ-cháu hāi i chhùi-jio̍k ê le̍k-liōng. I khui-chhùi khai-sí kóng, m̄-koh ōe kóng bē sūn, i tō kóng, "Lí chai lah, góa bē-hiáu lim-chiú." Gopal in-ūi chit-kù bô koan-liân ê ōe kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè. I kám-kak ka-tī hàm-kó͘, sui-bóng i hi-bōng i boeh kóng ê kò͘-sū ē hō͘ i hián-tit chin bat chêng-lí.
"Ùi lín-tau ê kó-chiap, góa sió-khóa ū ioh tio̍h," yi ná bî-chhiò ná án-ne kóng. Gopal mā chhiò chhut-lâi.
I chhì boeh kóng chhut tú-chiah boeh thán-pe̍h ê ōe. "Góa kā lim-chíu hām chiâⁿ-chò Bí-kok lâng liân-siūⁿ chò-hóe, m̄-koh góa iáu bô hoat-tō͘ chin-chiàⁿ chiâⁿ-chò Bí-kok lâng. Goán chă-kiáⁿ 19-hòe seⁿ-ji̍t hit-kang, goán chhōa yi khì chia̍h-pn̄g hām khòaⁿ tiān-iáⁿ, goán bô siáⁿ kóng-ōe, hit-tǹg pn̄g iū pí goán ê kî-thāi khah chá kiat-sok. Chhan-thiaⁿ sī tī siong-tiûⁿ nih, tiān-iáⁿ khai-ián chìn-chêng goán bô siáⁿ thang chò, tō khì se̍h Si̍t-phín-Siâⁿ." Gopal kám-kak i kóng kah chiâⁿ pi-chêng, só͘-í siūⁿ boeh kái-piàn kò͘-sū. "Lâi Bí-kok chiah chē nî, góa tùi hiah-ê tōa-hêng cha̍p-hòe-tiàm iáu sī kám-kak chin kiaⁿ-lâng, koh chin kah-ì ji̍p-khì se̍h. M̄-koh goán chă-kiáⁿ sī Bí-kok lâng, só͘-í goán khì se̍h Si̍t-phín-Siâⁿ, tùi yi lâi kóng, tiāⁿ-tio̍h chin kî-koài. Yi thiaⁿ bô Hindi gí, yin pē-bú tiāⁿ-tio̍h khòaⁿ khí-lâi mā chiâⁿ kî-koài." Gopal kám-kak sim-koaⁿ phi̍h-pho̍k kiò. I hòⁿ-kî, i sī-m̄-sī pí i só͘ chai ê ka-tī khah pi-ai.
"Chiâⁿ kám-sim," Shaw Tt kóng. Yi ê hoán-èng chiah-nī kán-té, hō͘ Gopal khí kín-tiuⁿ.
Shaw Tt chim i ê chhùi-phé. Gopal chù-ì tio̍h, yi ê chhùi-tûn ta-ta. I sió-khóa oa̍t chi̍t-ē, thang-hó hō͘ siang-lâng ê chhùi-tûn sio-tú. In koh sio-chim. Shaw Tt kā chhùi-tûn peh-khui, ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh. In sio-chim chin kú chi̍t-khùn. Tán in giú-khui liáu-āu, in kè-sio̍k pêng-chēng kau-tâm, bē-su in í-keng hō͘-siong chin koàn-sì ah. "Góa tha̍k tāi-ha̍k chìn-chêng m̄-bat khì tōa-keng cha̍p-hòe-tiàm," yi kóng. "Goán chóng-sī khì chhù hū-kīn ê sè-keng tiàm-á. Tē-it kái khòaⁿ tio̍h he tn̂g-tn̂g ê kòe-tō ê sî, góa hòⁿ-kî, nā bô-lâng bé, hiah-ê hòe boeh án-chóaⁿ hó. Hit-sî góa hām chi̍t-ê ke góa 7|8 hòe ê cha-po͘ tòa chò-hóe, góa án-ne kā kóng ê sî, i kā góa chhiò, hō͘ góa kám-kak ka-tī chiâⁿ chíⁿ." Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, jiân-āu koh pó͘-chhiong kóng, "Lo̍h-bóe góa lī-khui i, in-ūi i chóng-sī hō͘ góa kám-kak ka-tī chin chíⁿ." Yi ê bīn kan-ta lī Gopal ê bīn chi̍t/nn̄g inch. "Taⁿ góa goān-ì kè hō͘ chi̍t-ê hō͘ góa hit-chióng kám-kak ê lâng." Chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h m̄-chai yi hām gōa-chē cha-po͘ khùn kòe, Gopal ê romantik chêng-hoâi sûi tō siau-hong khì. M̄-koh, Shaw Tt hām i siang-lâng só͘ keng-le̍k ê chit-ê sū-si̍t, siau-tî chi̍t pō͘-hūn i só͘ kám-kak ê ko͘-toaⁿ, jî-chhiáⁿ Shaw Tt ê leng koh hiah tōa-lia̍p. In koh-chài sio-chim. Chin kín, siang-lâng tō tó tī tē-pán péng khí péng lo̍h, iū-koh so lâi so khì.
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4. 下暗 in 凡勢會做愛
In 相並坐 tī 膨椅啉飲料. 一葩台燈 ê 散光掖向 in.
"多謝你 kā 攄草機借我用."
"彼無啥 lah." 久久 ê 恬靜. Gopal 想無啥通講. Cosmopolitan 有建議, 著盡量多多了解你 ê 愛人, 所致伊問, "你佮意啥物色?"
"按怎講?"
"我想欲知影你 ê 一切."
"誠感心," Shaw Tt 講, ná 撲伊 ê 手. Gopal 感覺歹勢歹勢, 目睭看低去. 伊毋知是毋是著講甲 chiah 坦白, 毋過伊一部份意圖是欲 kō͘ 伊對她 ê 興趣來巴結她. "我無特別佮意 ê 色," 她講. 她 ê 手猶 tī 伊 ê 手遐.
Gopal 忽然想著, 下暗 in 凡勢會做愛, 感覺心肝 phi̍h-pho̍k 趒. "講你 ê 一切予我聽," 伊 kō͘ 充滿感性 ê 聲調 án-ne 講. "你 tī 佗位出世?"
"我出世 tī Jersey 市, 五月初五, 毋過我毋講是佗一年." Gopal 激一个好耍 gi 喙 ê 面, ná 緊 kā 日子記著. 伊小可感覺礙虐, 因為她對伊無自在甲肯透露她 ê 年紀.
"你是 tī 遐大漢 ê sioh?" 伊問, ná sip 一喙 gin 藥酒. Gopal 慢慢啉, 因為知影伊 ê 酒量無好. 伊看著 Shaw Tt ê 跤指漆鮮紅 ê. Anita 毋捌漆指甲, Gopal 好奇, 漆跤指 ê 查某會創啥 neh.
"三歲 ê 時, 阮 tō 搬去 Newark. 阮爸母開一間報紙糖仔店. 阮賣卡片和郵票." Shaw Tt ê 飲料啉欲了 ah. "早起 8 點開門, 暗時 7 點 30 關. 一禮拜開 6 工." 啉飲料 ê 中間, 她 kā 杯仔蹶 tī 跤頭趺.
Gopal 毋捌拄著任何 tī 彼種店工作 ê 人, 所以伊對她所講 ê 真正感覺趣味. 伊想起家治對基督生 party 無興趣, 煞好奇, 敢是因為對 seks ê 期待, 予伊對 Shaw Tt ê 故事著迷. "你 ê 囡仔時代快樂無?" 伊問, 喙仔 gi-gi koh 隨合喙, 因為伊無愛顯得是 teh 剾洗. Gopal 啉 ê 彼半杯已經予伊感覺頭殼輕, 心情爽.
"Oh, 誠快樂 leh," 她講, "雖罔我認為家治真嚴肅. 我會 ná 看黃昏 ê 天頂, ná 想講無人有我這款 ê 感受." Shaw Tt 對家治感受 ê 理解予 Gopal 感覺不安, 予伊一時感覺無得著啥重要 ê 信息, a̍h 是講, 某種程度, 她是獨立 tī 她 ê 過去, 所以袂當 ná 伊 ê 期待, 因為對過去 ê 懷念增加她對伊 ê 愛戀.
"Cosmopolitan" 有建議, 伴侶雙方攏著顯露家治, 所致 Gopal 決定欲講這个有關家治 ê 故事. 伊毋信, 對家治老實會真正改變家治. 顛倒是, 伊認為, 刁故意講這个故事, 會搶走害伊脆弱 ê 力量. 伊開喙開始講, 毋過話講袂順, 伊 tō 講, "你知 lah, 我袂曉啉酒." Gopal 因為這句無關連 ê 話感覺歹勢. 伊感覺家治譀古, 雖罔伊希望伊欲講 ê 故事會予伊顯得真捌情理.
"Ùi 恁兜 ê 果汁, 我小可有臆著," 她 ná 微笑 ná án-ne 講. Gopal mā 笑出來.
伊試欲講出拄才欲坦白 ê 話. "我 kā 啉酒和成做美國人連想做伙, 毋過我猶無法度真正成做美國人. 阮 chă 囝 19 歲生日彼工, 阮 chhōa 她去食飯和看電影, 阮無啥講話, 彼頓飯又比阮 ê 期待較早結束. 餐廳是 tī 商場 nih, 電影開演進前阮無啥通做, tō 去踅食品城." Gopal 感覺伊講甲誠悲情, 所以想欲改變故事. "來美國 chiah 濟年, 我對 hiah-ê 大型雜貨店猶是感覺真驚人, koh 真佮意入去踅. 毋過阮 chă 囝是美國人, 所以阮去踅食品城, 對她來講, 定著真奇怪. 她聽無 Hindi 語, 姻爸母定著看起來 mā 誠奇怪." Gopal 感覺心肝 phi̍h-pho̍k 叫. 伊好奇, 伊是毋是比伊所知 ê 家治較悲哀.
"誠感心," Shaw Tt 講. 她 ê 反應 chiah-nī 簡短, 予 Gopal 起緊張.
Shaw Tt 唚伊 ê 喙䫌. Gopal 注意著, 她 ê 喙唇焦焦. 伊小可越一下, 通好予雙人 ê 喙唇相拄. In koh 相唚. Shaw Tt kā 喙唇擘開, 目睭瞌瞌. In 相唚真久一睏. 等 in 搝開了後, in 繼續平靜交談, 袂輸 in 已經互相真慣勢 ah. "我讀大學進前毋捌去大間雜貨店," 她講. "阮總是去厝附近 ê 細間店仔. 第一改看著 he 長長 ê 過道 ê 時, 我好奇, 若無人買, hiah-ê 貨欲按怎好. 彼時我和一个加我 7|8 歲 ê 查埔蹛做伙, 我 án-ne kā 講 ê 時, 伊 kā 我笑, 予我感覺家治誠茈." 她停落來, 然後 koh 補充講, "落尾我離開伊, 因為伊總是予我感覺家治真茈." 她 ê 面干焦離 Gopal ê 面一兩 inch. "今我願意嫁予一个予我彼種感覺 ê 人." 一下想著毋知她和偌濟查埔睏過, Gopal ê romantik 情懷隨 tō 消風去. 毋過, Shaw Tt 和伊雙人所經歷 ê 這个事實, 消除一部份伊所感覺 ê 孤單, 而且 Shaw Tt ê 奶 koh hiah 大粒. In 閣再相唚. 真緊, 雙人 tō 倒 tī 地板反起反落, 又閣挲來挲去.
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4.
They sat side by side on a couch and sipped their drinks. A table lamp cast a diffused light over them.
"Thank you for letting me borrow the lawn mower."
"It's nothing." There was a long pause. Gopal could not think of anything to say. Cosmopolitan had suggested trying to learn as much as possible about your lover, so he asked, "What's your favorite color?"
"Why?"
"I want to know everything about you."
"That's sweet," Mrs. Shaw said, and patted his hand. Gopal felt embarrassed and looked down. He did not know whether he should have spoken so frankly, but part of his intention had been to flatter her with his interest. "I don't have one," she said. She kept her hand on his.
Gopal suddenly thought that they might make love tonight, and he felt his heart kick. "Tell me all about yourself," he said with a voice full of feeling. "Where were you born?"
"I was born in Jersey City on May fifth, but I won't tell you the year." Gopal tried to grin gamely and memorize the date. A part of him was disturbed that she did not feel comfortable enough with him to reveal her age.
"Did you grow up there?" he asked, taking a sip of the gin and tonic. Gopal drank slowly, because he knew that he could not hold his alcohol. He saw that Mrs. Shaw's toes were painted bright red. Anita had never used nail polish, and Gopal wondered what a woman who would paint her toenails might do.
"I moved to Newark when I was three. My parents ran a newspaper-and-candy shop. We sold greeting cards, stamps." Mrs. Shaw had nearly finished her drink. "They opened at eight in the morning and closed at seven-thirty at night. Six days a week." When she paused between swallows, she rested the glass on her knee.
Gopal had never known anyone who worked in such a shop, and he became genuinely interested in what she was saying. He remembered his lack of interest at the Christmas party and wondered whether it was the possibility of sex that made him fascinated with Mrs. Shaw's story. "Were you a happy child?" he asked, grinning broadly and then bringing the grin to a quick end, because he did not want to appear ironic. The half glass that Gopal had drunk had already begun to make him feel light-headed and gay.
"Oh, pretty happy," she said, "although I liked to think of myself as serious. I would look at the evening sky and think that no one else had felt what I was feeling." Mrs. Shaw's understanding of her own feelings disconcerted Gopal and made him momentarily think that he wasn't learning anything important, or that she was in some way independent of her past and thus incapable of the sentimental attachments through which he expected her love for him to grow.
Cosmopolitan had recommended that both partners reveal themselves, so Gopal decided to tell a story about himself. He did not believe that being honest about himself would actually change him. Rather, he thought the deliberateness of telling the story would rob it of the power to make him vulnerable. He started to say something, but the words twisted in his mouth, and he said, "You know, I don't really drink much." Gopal felt embarrassed by the non sequitur. He thought he sounded foolish, though he had hoped that the story he would tell would make him appear sensitive.
"I kind of guessed that from the juices," she said, smiling. Gopal laughed.
He tried to say what he had wanted to confess earlier. "I associate drinking with being American, and I haven't been able to truly Americanize. On my daughter's nineteenth birthday we took her to dinner and a movie, but we didn't talk much, and the dinner finished earlier than we had expected it would. The restaurant was in a mall, and we had nothing to do until the movie started, so we wandered around Foodtown." Gopal thought he sounded pathetic, so he tried to shift the story. "After all my years in America, I am still astonished by those huge grocery stores and enjoy walking in them. But my daughter is an American, so our wandering around in Foodtown must have been very strange for her. She doesn't know Hindi, and her parents must seem very strange." Gopal noticed that his heart was racing. He wondered if he was sadder than he knew.
"That's sweet," Mrs. Shaw said. The brevity of her response made Gopal nervous.
Mrs. Shaw kissed his cheek. Her lips were dry, Gopal noticed. He turned slightly so that their lips could touch. They kissed again. Mrs. Shaw opened her lips and closed her eyes. They kissed for a long time. When they pulled apart, they continued their conversation calmly, as if they were accustomed to each other. "I didn't go into a big grocery store until I was in college," she said. "We always went to the small shops around us. When I first saw those long aisles, I wondered what happens to the food if no one buys it. I was living then with a man who was seven or eight years older than I, and when I told him, he laughed at me, and I felt so young." She stopped and then added, "I ended up leaving him because he always made me feel young." Her face was only an inch or two from Gopal's. "Now I'd marry someone who could make me feel that way." Gopal felt his romantic feelings drain away at the idea of how many men she had slept with. But the fact that Mrs. Shaw and he had experienced something removed some of the loneliness he was feeling, and Mrs. Shaw had large breasts. They began kissing again. Soon they were tussling and groping on the floor.
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