4. Góa sī tī kapi thiaⁿ bat tio̍h Allison
"Eh, lí tang-sî boeh kiat-hun?" Isaiah mn̄g, ná tēⁿ góa ê keng-thâu. Chin bêng-hián, i sī teh kóng-chhiò, ì-sù sī hi-bāng ta̍k-ê lóng chhiūⁿ i kap Tia hiah hēng-hok, m̄-koh góa bē-tàng hō͘ i tit-tio̍h. Góa bē-tàng piáu-hiān kah siuⁿ hó, in-ūi hó ê piáu-hiān tùi góa sī siuⁿ pī-tōng, só͘-tì, góa kóng, "Chū án-ne chiap-siū hū-khoân thóng-tī (patriarchy) ê chè-tō͘?" Tia tī i sin-piⁿ péng pe̍h-kâiⁿ. Koh kòe nn̄g-kang, yi tō sī súi sin-niû. Yi sī hit-chióng ún-hêng ê bí-lú, ōaⁿ-tiāu phah-thih-á khò͘ hām T-shirt /ti-siat/, sûi piàn-chò kim sih-sih ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, hō͘ lí soah hoâi-gî ka-tī tong-chho͘ ná ē khòaⁿ bē-chhut. Ū chi̍t-kái khì lim-chiú ê sî, Isaiah mn̄g góa, tang-sî góa boeh kap in chò-hóe khùn. Goán tī chiú-pa gōa-kháu pok-hun. I thè góa kā hun tiám-to̍h, āu-lâi iū khiā tī hia kú-kú siòng góa, kú kah góa chai-iáⁿ ū tāi-chì boeh hoat-seng ah. Tī hit-àm chìn-chêng, góa hoâi-gî góa kám bô kah-ì i, án-ne liáu-āu, góa khak-tēng góa bô kah-ì i. Góa chai, Tia m̄-bat kā i kóng khí goán ê tāi-chì. Góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, yi tùi hit-ê sū kám-kak khùn-he̍k, chiah ē kú-kú bô kā kóng, hoān-sè éng-oán bē kóng chhut-lâi. Chāi góa khòaⁿ, Tia sī chi̍t-ê hit-chióng cha-bó͘: goân-pún sī lú tông-chì, a̍h sī bē hoán-kám tùi cha-bó͘ ê io̍k-bōng, m̄-koh seng-oa̍h thê-kiong yi chi̍t-ê ki-hōe, yi kā chiap-la̍p a̍h sī liàn lo̍h-khì. Góa bat án-ne siūⁿ, taⁿ mā án-ne siūⁿ, hit-khoán tāi-chì mā ū khó-lêng hoat-seng tī góa. Nā m̄-sī seng-oa̍h chah chi̍t-lúi sîn-pì ê hûn-chhái, thê-kiong góa lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê hong-hiòng, góa khó-lêng í-keng tī Jamaica pān gōa-tē hun-lé, kè hō͘ chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ lâng ah lah. Che m̄-nā sī tī chèng-khak ê sî-kan koh hoat-seng tī chèng-khak ê tē-tiám. Che pí he koh-khah bê-bông ah.
Tī New York, góa í-keng koàn-sì hām góa bô jīn-chin tùi-thāi ê cha-bó͘ khùn ah. Nā m̄-sī che, a̍h in-ūi chia̍h kah thé-tāng ke 20 pōng (9 kilo), a̍h suh cocaine /ko-kén/ a̍h siáⁿ, ta̍k-hāng lóng ē hō͘ góa thoat-sin. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê tùi góa siuⁿ chíⁿ, 23 hòe, ê cha-bó͘, tī góa bô chiap yi ê tiān-ōe, bô hôe yi ê té-sìn kúi-ā lé-pài liáu-āu, koh tī ke-lō͘ sio-tú ê sî khai-sí khàu. "Góa chin pháiⁿ-sè," góa tī yi sin āu hoah-siaⁿ ná hoa̍h-kòe ke ná kóng, in-ūi nā kā kóng góa bô hoat-tō͘ koh ài yi, he tō koh-khah chân-jím. Hit ē-tàu chhun ê sî-kan, góa put-sî oa̍t-thâu khoaⁿ āu-bīn -- bô khak-tēng tàu-té sī yi ê lêng-hûn a̍h sī góa ê liông-sim teh khau-sé góa.
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Góa sī tī kapi thiaⁿ bat tio̍h Allison. Hit-keng kapi thiaⁿ lī chhī tiong-sim ū-kàu hn̄g, só͘-tì gián-kiù-seng lóng lâi chia. Tē-it kái góa ji̍p-khì hia boeh kìⁿ chi̍t-ê tông-o̍h, góa khiā tī hia kú-kú tha̍k koân-koân tiàu tī góa thâu-khak téng, kō͘ hún-pit siá ê menu (chhài-toaⁿ). Góa chin chió khì kapi thiaⁿ. Góa kah-ì su-té-hā ha̍k-si̍p, góa mā bô kah-ì kapi ê kháu-bī. Allison tī kūi-tâi āu siông-sè khòaⁿ góa ê bīn, ná khin-khin bî-chhiò, bē-su yi siūⁿ boeh chhiò góa chit-khoán kò͘-kheh, tī chù-bûn chhin-chhiūⁿ chai latte (gû-leng âng-tê) chit-chióng ki-pún hāng-bo̍k chìn-chêng to su-iàu kú-kú ê khó-lī. Āu-lâi, góa koh chia̍p-chia̍p khì hit-keng kapi thiaⁿ, ū-sî hām pêng-iú, tōa-pō͘-hūn sī ka-tī chi̍t-lâng. Góa kè-sio̍k án-ne chù-bûn saⁿ kò-goe̍h ê chai latte, jiân-āu Allison kóng, "Lán tio̍h chò-hóe lim chi̍t-poe. Góa siūⁿ lí ē-hiáu lim-chiú? Lí khòaⁿ tō sī ē lim." Yi ná ē chai ah? Sī in-ūi phāiⁿ tī kha-chiah-phiaⁿ ê tn̂g thâu-chang pīⁿ? Góa hit-kang kòa ê tōa-khian hīⁿ-kau kap chhēng ê Cosby phòng-se saⁿ? A̍h sī in-ūi góa sī o͘-lâng?
Bān-bān, góa mā chai-iáⁿ Allison ê tāi-chì. Yi sī si-chok (poetry) ha̍k-kho ê gián-kiù seng, yi lim chi̍t-chióng kiò-chò matcha latte (gû-leng le̍k-tê) ê mi̍h, iáu-koh yi kah-ì mî-hoe thn̂g ê sek-chúi. Teh tán kò͘-kheh lâi ê tiong-kan, yi tī kūi-tâi hia tha̍k si-chok ê chheh, a̍h sī tī chi̍t-pún o͘-sek pit-kì phō͘-á ōe sióng-siōng ê lâng ê bīn. Góa kā yi kóng góa ē siá si, m̄-koh góa kī-choa̍t chi̍t-ê ū chu-chō͘ ê si-chok MFA (gē-su̍t sek-sū) ha̍k-kho, cháu khì tha̍k hoat-lu̍t ha̍k-īⁿ, yi thiaⁿ kah ba̍k-chiu tián-tōa. "Góa hi-bāng ū chi̍t-kang ē-tàng tha̍k lí ê chok-phín," yi kóng, góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, yi kóng kah chin jīn-chin.
Goán sio-chio khì lim-chiú hit-àm, góa tú khai-sí teh hoâi-gî góa ê sèng bī-le̍k (sexuality). Góa tī chiú-pa nih khòaⁿ lâi khòaⁿ khì, hām chi̍t-ê tī siâⁿ nih sio-bat ê o͘-lâng cha-bó͘ sio tùi-khòaⁿ. Góa khòaⁿ goán tō ná yi ū khòaⁿ tio̍h goán kāng-khoán, taⁿ góa chai-iáⁿ, góa hián-hiān góa siūⁿ boeh hō͘ yi khòaⁿ tio̍h ê góa: nn̄g-ê cha-bó͘ teh iok-hōe, kî-tiong chi̍t-ê sī chha-put-to hām yi kāng-khoán kapi ke gû-leng ê sek-tiāu, lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê sī tn̂g koh loān ê kim thâu-chang kòa tī bīn.
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4. 我是 tī kapi 廳捌著 Allison
"Eh, 你 tang-sî 欲結婚?" Isaiah 問, ná 捏我 ê 肩頭. 真明顯, 伊是 teh 講笑, 意思是希望逐个攏像伊 kap Tia hiah 幸福, 毋過我袂當予伊得著. 我袂當表現 kah siuⁿ 好, 因為好 ê 表現對我是 siuⁿ 被動, 所致, 我講, "自 án-ne 接受父權統治 (patriarchy) ê 制度?" Tia tī 伊身邊反白睚. Koh 過兩工, 她就是媠新娘. 她是彼種隱形 ê 美女, 換掉拍鐵仔褲和 T-shirt /ti-siat/, 隨變做金 sih-sih ê 物件, 予你煞懷疑家治當初那會看袂出. 有一改去啉酒 ê 時, Isaiah 問我, tang-sî 我欲 kap in 做伙睏. 阮 tī 酒吧外口噗薰. 伊替我 kā 薰點 to̍h, 後來又徛 tī hia 久久相我, 久 kah 我知影有代誌欲發生 ah. Tī 彼暗進前, 我懷疑我敢無佮意伊, án-ne 了後, 我確定我無佮意伊. 我知, Tia 毋捌 kā 伊講起阮 ê 代誌. 我看會出, 她對彼个事感覺困惑, 才會久久無 kā 講, 凡勢永遠袂講出來. 在我看, Tia 是一个彼種查某: 原本是女同志, a̍h 是袂反感對查某 ê 慾望, 毋過生活提供她一个機會, 她 kā 接納 a̍h 是輾落去. 我 bat án-ne 想, 今 mā án-ne 想, 彼款代誌 mā 有可能發生 tī 我. 若毋是生活扎一蕊神祕 ê 雲彩, 提供我另外一个方向, 我可能已經 tī Jamaica 辦外地婚禮, 嫁予一个查埔人 ah lah. 這 m̄-nā 是 tī 正確 ê 時間 koh 發生 tī 正確 ê 地點. 這比彼閣較迷濛 ah.
Tī New York, 我已經慣勢和我無認真對待 ê 查某睏 ah. 若毋是這, a̍h 因為食 kah 體重加 20 磅 (9 kilo), a̍h 欶 cocaine /ko-kén/ a̍h 啥, 逐項攏會予我脫身. 其中一个對我 siuⁿ 茈, 23 歲, ê 查某, tī 我無接她 ê 電話, 無回她 ê 短信幾若禮拜了後, koh tī 街路相拄 ê 時開始哭. "我真歹勢," 我 tī 她身後喝聲 ná 伐過街 ná 講, 因為若 kā 講我無法度 koh 愛她, 彼 tō 閣較殘忍. 彼下晝賰 ê 時間, 我不時越頭看後面 -- 無確定到底是她 ê 靈魂 a̍h 是我 ê 良心 teh 剾洗我.
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我是 tī kapi 廳捌著 Allison. 彼間 kapi 廳離市中心有夠遠, 所致研究生攏來 chia. 第一改我入去 hia 欲見一个同學, 我徛 tī hia 久久讀懸懸吊 tī 我頭殼頂, kō͘ 粉筆寫 ê menu (菜單). 我真少去 kapi 廳. 我佮意私底下學習, 我 mā 無佮意 kapi ê 口味. Allison tī 櫃台後詳細看我 ê 面, ná 輕輕微笑, 袂輸她想欲笑我這款顧客, tī 注文親像 chai latte (牛奶紅茶) 這種基本項目進前 to 需要久久 ê 考慮. 後來, 我 koh 捷捷去彼間 kapi 廳, 有時和朋友, 大部份是家治一人. 我繼續 án-ne 注文三個月 ê chai latte, 然後 Allison 講, "咱著做伙啉一杯. 我想你會曉啉酒? 你看就是會啉." 她那會知 ah? 是因為揹 tī 尻脊骿 ê 長頭鬃辮? 我彼工掛 ê 大圈耳鉤 kap 穿 ê Cosby 膨紗衫? A̍h 是因為我是烏人?
慢慢, 我 mā 知影 Allison ê 代誌. 她是詩作 (poetry) 學科 ê 研究生, 她啉一種叫做 matcha latte (牛奶綠茶) ê 物, 猶閣她佮意棉花糖 ê 色水. Teh 等顧客來 ê 中間, 她 tī 櫃台 hia 讀詩作 ê 冊, a̍h 是 tī 一本烏色筆記簿仔畫想像 ê 人 ê 面. 我 kā 她講我會寫詩, 毋過我拒絕一个有資助 ê 詩作 MFA (藝術碩士) 學科, 走去讀法律學院, 她聽 kah 目睭展大. "我希望有一工會當讀你 ê 作品," 她講, 我看會出, 她講 kah 真認真.
阮相招去啉酒彼暗, 我拄開始 teh 懷疑我 ê 性魅力 (sexuality). 我 tī 酒吧 nih 看來看去, 和一个 tī 城 nih 相捌 ê 烏人查某相對看. 我看阮 tō ná 她有看著阮仝款, 今我知影, 我顯現我想欲予她看著 ê 我: 兩个查某 teh 約會, 其中一个是差不多和她仝款 kapi 加牛奶 ê 色調, 另外一个是長 koh 亂 ê 金頭鬃掛 tī 面.
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4.
“So when are you getting married?” Isaiah asked, now squeezing my shoulder. It was obvious that he was joking, that what he meant was that he wanted everyone to be as happy as he and Tia were, but I couldn’t let him have it. I couldn’t be nice because nice to me was too passive, so I said, “And subscribe to a system of patriarchy?” Beside him, Tia rolled her eyes. In two days, she would make a beautiful bride. She was one of those undercover beauties who would change out of her jeans and T-shirt into something glamorous and you’d wonder how you’d managed to overlook her in the first place. Once, drunkenly, Isaiah asked when I was going to join them in bed. We were outside a bar, smoking. He had lit my cigarette for me and afterwards he stood looking at me for too long a moment, and so I knew what was coming. Before that night, I’d suspected that I didn’t like Isaiah, but afterwards I determined that I didn’t like him. I knew that Tia never told him about us. I could tell that she was confused enough about it to keep it to herself for a long time, maybe as long as forever. It always seemed to me that Tia was one of those women who might have been a lesbian, or at least open to desiring women, if life had opened up the possibility and she had welcomed or at least fallen into it. It occurred to me and still occurs to me that something like that could have happened to me. I might have married a man in a destination wedding in Jamaica if life hadn’t taken over with a cloud of mystery to offer me another direction. It’s more than being in the right place at the right time. It’s more nebulous than that.
In New York, I’d gotten into the habit of sleeping with women I couldn’t take seriously. It was either that, or gain twenty pounds from overeating, or take up cocaine or something, anything to take the edge off. One of the women, too young for me at twenty-three, started to cry when we saw each other on the street after I’d ignored her calls and texts for weeks. “I’m sorry,” I called after her, crossing the street to get away because it would have been crueler to tell her that I would never be able to love her. I continued glancing behind me for the rest of the afternoon — not sure if it was her spirit or my conscience that was taunting me.
I’d met Allison in a coffee shop. It was far enough from downtown that graduate students had taken claim. The first time I went in to meet a classmate, I stood for a long moment looking at the menu written in chalk that hung high above my head. I hardly ever went to coffee shops. I liked to study in private and I hated the taste of coffee. Allison watched my face carefully from behind the counter, smiling a little smile as though she wanted to laugh at customers like me who deliberated for a long time before they ordered something as basic as a chai latte. I kept going back, sometimes with friends but mostly alone. I kept ordering chai lattes for three months before Allison said, “We should get a drink soon. I’m assuming you drink? You look like you drink.” How had she known that? Was it the long dreads hanging down my back? The big hoop earrings and Cosby sweater I’d worn that day? Was it because I was black?
Slowly, I learned things about Allison too. She was a graduate student in the poetry program, she drank something called a matcha latte, and she liked cotton candy colors. Between customers, she read poetry books at the counter or drew faces of imaginary people in a little black notebook. When I told her that I wrote poetry yet I had declined a funded poetry MFA program for law school, her eyes widened. “I’d love to read your work someday,” she said, and I could tell that she meant it.
The evening we met for a drink, I was just beginning to question my sexuality. I looked around the bar and made eye contact with a black woman I recognized from around town. I saw us as she must have seen us, but now I know that I projected what I wanted her to see: two women, one of them almost the same coffee-with-cream shade as her and the other with long, messy blonde hair hanging around her face, on a date.
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