5. Yi kà góa chò-ài ê chu-sè
Hām Allison chò-hóe, he tō ná teh o̍h chi̍t-ê sin gí-giân. Iok-hōe ê cha-bó͘ ū bô-kāng ê gí-sû. Yi kà góa, chò-ài ê sî sin-khu ê tó-ūi tio̍h án-nóa khǹg. Góa sīm-chì o̍h ē-hiáu kah-ì kapi. M̄-koh, goán chin bô kāng. Yi khak-tēng, si-chok ē-tàng kái-piàn sè-kài, m̄-koh góa bô hiah khak-tēng. Góa chai, góa nā hòng-khì hoat-lu̍t ha̍k-īⁿ, koh chhut-pán chi̍t-pún si-chi̍p, yi ē chun-tiōng góa ê koat-tēng. Yin pē-bú sī tì-sek hūn-chú, m̄-bat ūi chîⁿ teh hoân-ló, m̄-sī chhiūⁿ goán lāu-bú án-ne, Allison mā sio-kāng. Yi ū chi̍t-chióng chū-ngó͘, thian-chin ê sèng-keh, góa m̄-bat kap yi kè-kàu. Yi sī hit-chióng bē hō͘ góa bē-kì-tit góa sī o͘-lâng ê pe̍h-lâng -- yi siông-sè kā góa thê-khí chióng-chióng ê ap-pek, bē-su góa m̄-bat keng-le̍k hiah-ê.
"Góa chai góa sī o͘-lâng," chi̍t-kái góa kā yi kóng. "Lí m̄-bián kā góa thê-chhéⁿ."
"Lí tùi ài-chêng ná ē hiah-nī hoán-khòng?" yi án-ne mn̄g, che sī chi̍t-ê oân-choân bô-kāng ê lūn-tiám, m̄-koh yi bô hoat-tō͘ lí-kái.
*
Tia hām Isaiah soeh-ho̍k ta̍k-ê khì tō͘-kà-chhun chi̍t-ê gô͘-lo̍k-sek chham-ka bú-thiaⁿ chú-tê ê party. Góa it-seng tiong í-keng khai siuⁿ chē sî-kan hō͘ cha-po͘ lâng kō͘ lâm-sèng ê thiàu-bú chu-sè kā góa lù, tú-tú tī góa boeh thè-chhut ê sî, Tia kā chhiú khin-khin khǹg tī góa ê kha-chiah-āu, bē-su yi tha̍k bat góa ê sim-su. Pâng-keng àm-sàm, phōaⁿ tio̍h Beenie Man ê koa-khek, góa kiông-boeh phīⁿ tio̍h khong-khì tiong ê seks. Goán chiah-ê bô chhōa cha-po͘ phōaⁿ lâi ê cha-bó͘ chò-hóe thiàu, m̄-koh, lo̍h-bóe góa sin-piⁿ ê lâng tī cha-po͘ kiâⁿ óa ê sî, chi̍t-ê chi̍t-ê tòe in khì. Andrea hām Tracy kap chi̍t-tùi Eng-kok lâi ê âng thâu-mo͘ hiaⁿ-tī teh thiàu, hiaⁿ-tī kau-ōaⁿ gán-sîn, chāi góa khòaⁿ, ì-sù sī kóng, nn̄g-ê kāng-àm tō ū khó-lêng lóng ah chhiūⁿ chhn̂g. Góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, Tracy sī la̍h-bu̍t -- yi kek chi̍t-ê boeh hām cha-po͘ khùn ê khoán-sè, in-ūi in o-ló yi súi. Yi iáu sī gín-á ê sî, chiàⁿ-pêng chhùi-phé bat hō͘ káu kā tio̍h, sui-bóng he pa-jiah taⁿ í-keng thè khì ah, chhut-mn̂g chêng yi chóng-sī tī hit-ê ūi phah hún-té. Andrea ê bīn ná chhiūⁿ âng-eⁿ-á, chhùi-phé pûi-nńg, m̄-koh yi si̍t-chè pí khòaⁿ khí-lâi khah cheng. Cha-po͘ lâng tio̍h iōng-sim chiah tit ē-tio̍h yi ê chi-bai. Góa tī chheⁿ-hūn lâng tiong-kan ka-tī iô-tāng, tùi hiah-ê ǹg góa kiâⁿ óa ê cha-po͘ iô-thâu. Kúi chhioh gōa, Tia kō͘ kha-chhng teh lù Isaiah ê kái-piⁿ. Góa chhì boeh lia̍h yi ê ba̍k-kng, m̄-koh yi khòaⁿ tùi góa āu-piah khì.
Brian kiâⁿ hiòng góa ê sî, góa í-keng lâi kàu gōa-kháu.
"Thiàu siān ah sioh?" i mn̄g.
"Góa sió hioh-khùn chi̍t-ē. Lāi-bīn chin joa̍h."
"Góa ē-tàng lí-kái."
Goán kiâⁿ kàu hái soa-po͘. Goán hiòng hái chē-lo̍h ê sî, góa ē kì-tit goán kóng-khí kok-chióng kok-iūⁿ ê tāi-chì. I tâu-phiò hō͘ Obama, m̄-koh tùi i ê piáu-hiān sit-bōng. I jīn-ûi Obama tio̍h ūi o͘-lâng chò koh khah chē. Tha̍k tāi-ha̍k i iáu sī chi̍t-lō͘ hām ko-tiong lú-pêng-iú iok-hōe, m̄-koh sit-bōng ê sī, yi bô tán i koh khah tōa-hàn. Yi kè hō͘ chi̍t-ê pe̍h-lâng gián-kiù seng. I í-keng 10-tang bô chia̍h bah ah. I jīn-ûi, koh kòe chi̍t-chām, Allison hām góa ē koh chò-hóe.
"Lí hām góa siūⁿ ê lí bô kāng," góa kā Brian kóng, goán ná kiâⁿ hiòng i ê pâng-keng. I chhì boeh khan góa ê chhiú, m̄-koh góa m̄-khéng. Āu-lâi, góa hām i sio phok-chhiú, chū án-ne siang-lâng lóng chhiò chhut-lâi.
Tī góa kiâⁿ tńg-lâi bú-hōe ê sî, hái ê khong-khì kám-kak chiâⁿ hó, chiâⁿ so͘-sîn. Góa bô teh siūⁿ Brian a̍h Allison, a̍h jīm-hô kî-thaⁿ ê lâng. Góa teh siūⁿ sè-hàn ê sî, ū chi̍t-kang goán lāu-pē chài góa khì hái-piⁿ, i kā góa lâu tī chhia nih, ka-tī ji̍p-khì chi̍t-keng chhù, he sī in hóe-kì ê chhù -- sui-bóng hit-sî góa pēng m̄-chai yi sī siáng. Tán in tâng-chê kiâⁿ-chhut chhù, yi hō͘ góa chi̍t-ê poe-á, lāi bīn té móa-móa ê léng eng-thô, ká-ná yi tú-chiah ùi peng-siuⁿ the̍h chhut-lâi.
Ū kúi-ê thiàu-bú ê lâng sòaⁿ-sòaⁿ, Isaiah thêng-chí tng-teh hām in piáu-tī tâm-lūn NFL [Bí-kok Kan-á-kiû Liân-bêng] kùi-cheh sài ê ōe-tê, kā góa kóng, Tia, Andrea, hām Tracy khì sé-chhiú.
"Góa tī 20 thóng hòe ū chi̍t-ê, m̄-koh góa éng-oán bē kā Isaiah kóng," Tia án-ne kóng, chin tōa siaⁿ. Yi nā chiú-chùi tō thò͘ sim-lāi ōe. Góa tú ji̍p-khì ê sî, lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ kiâⁿ chhut-lâi, in-ūi chúi-chô kap mn̂g tiong-kan ū chi̍t-tó͘ piah, yi bô khòaⁿ tio̍h góa.
"Lí jīn-ûi che ē hō͘ i khùn-jiáu?" Tracy mn̄g. Góa sióng-siōng, yi tng-teh chiò-kiàⁿ, teh pó͘ hún-té thang am-khàm yi ê pa-jiah.
"Góa kan-ta bô jīn-ûi che kap i ū tī-tāi."
"Lí chin-chiàⁿ siong-sìn yi hām Brian lī-khui?" Andrea mn̄g.
"He bē hō͘ góa tio̍h-kiaⁿ," Tracy kóng.
"Sī án-nóa he bē hō͘ lí tio̍h-kiaⁿ?" Tia mn̄g. "Chāi góa khòaⁿ, yi bô khó-lêng jím-siū i. Yi kám m̄-sī lú tông-chì?"
"Góa mā m̄-chai yi sī siáⁿ?" Tracy kóng.
Yin lóng chhiò chhut-lâi. Góa kap lâi ê sî kāng-khoán, koh chēng-chēng lī-khui.
- -
5. 她教我, 做愛 ê 姿勢
和 Allison 做伙, 彼 tō ná teh 學一个新語言. 約會 ê 查某有無仝 ê 語詞. 她教我, 做愛 ê 時身軀 ê 佗位著按怎囥. 我甚至學會曉佮意 kapi. 毋過, 阮真無仝. 她確定, 詩作會當改變世界, 毋過我無 hiah 確定. 我知, 我若放棄法律學院, koh 出版一本詩集, 她會尊重我 ê 決定. 姻爸母是智識份子, 毋捌為錢 teh 煩惱, 毋是像阮老母 án-ne, Allison mā 相仝. 她有一種自我, 天真 ê 性格, 我毋捌 kap 她計較. 她是彼種袂予我袂記得我是烏人 ê 白人 -- 她詳細 kā 我提起種種 ê 壓迫, 袂輸我毋捌經歷 hiah-ê.
"我知我是烏人," 一改我 kā 她講. "你毋免 kā 我提醒."
"你對愛情那會 hiah-nī 反抗?" 她 án-ne 問, 這是一个完全無仝 ê 論點, 毋過她無法度理解.
*
Tia 和 Isaiah 說服逐个去度假村一个娛樂室參加舞廳主題 ê party. 我一生中已經開 siuⁿ 濟時間予查埔人 kō͘ 男性 ê 跳舞姿勢 kā 我 lù, 拄拄 tī 我欲退出 ê 時, Tia kā 手輕輕囥 tī 我 ê 尻脊後, 袂輸她讀捌我 ê 心思. 房間暗毿, 伴著 Beenie Man ê 歌曲, 我強欲鼻著空氣中 ê seks. 阮 chiah-ê 無 chhōa 查埔伴來 ê 查某做伙跳, 毋過, 落尾我身邊 ê 人 tī 查埔行倚 ê 時, 一个一个綴 in 去. Andrea 和 Tracy kap 一對英國來 ê 紅頭毛兄弟 teh 跳, 兄弟交換眼神, 在我看, 意思是講, 兩个仝暗 tō 有可能攏押上床. 我看會出, Tracy 是獵物 -- 她激一个欲和查埔睏 ê 款勢, 因為 in o-ló 她媠. 她猶是囡仔 ê 時, 正爿喙䫌 bat 予狗咬著, 雖罔 he 疤跡今已經退去 ah, 出門前 她總是 tī 彼个位拍粉底. Andrea ê 面 ná 像紅嬰仔, 喙䫌肥軟, 毋過她實際比看起來較精. 查埔人著用心才得會著她 ê chi-bai. 我 tī 生份人中間家治搖動, 對 hiah-ê ǹg 我行倚 ê 查埔搖頭. 幾尺外, Tia kō͘ 尻川 teh lù Isaiah ê 骱邊. 我試欲掠她 ê 目光, 毋過她看對我後壁去.
Brian 行向我 ê 時, 我已經來到外口.
"跳 siān ah sioh?" 伊問.
"我小歇睏一下. 內面真熱."
"我會當理解."
阮行到海沙埔. 阮向海坐落 ê 時, 我會記得阮講起各種各樣 ê 代誌. 伊投票予 Obama, 毋過對伊 ê 表現失望. 伊認為 Obama 著為烏人做閣較濟. 讀大學伊猶是一路和高中女朋友約會, 毋過失望 ê 是, 她無等伊閣較大漢. 她嫁予一个白人研究生. 伊已經 10 冬無食肉 ah. 伊認為, koh 過一站, Allison 和我會 koh 做伙.
"你和我想 ê 你無仝," 我 kā Brian 講, 阮 ná 行向伊 ê 房間. 伊試欲牽我 ê 手, 毋過我毋肯. 後來, 我和伊相撲手, 自 án-ne 雙人攏笑出來.
Tī 我行轉來舞會 ê 時, 海 ê 空氣感覺誠好, 誠舒神. 我無 teh 想 Brian a̍h Allison, a̍h 任何其他 ê 人. 我 teh 想細漢 ê 時, 有一工阮老爸載我去海邊, 伊 kā 我留 tī 車 nih, 家治入去一間厝, 彼是 in 夥計 ê 厝 -- 雖罔彼時我並毋知她是 siáng. 等 in 同齊行出厝, 她予我一个杯仔, 內面貯滿滿 ê 冷櫻桃, ká-ná 她拄才 ùi 冰箱提出來.
有幾个跳舞 ê 人散散, Isaiah 停止 tng-teh 和 in 表弟談論 NFL [米國橄仔球聯盟] 季節賽 ê 話題, kā 我講, Tia, Andrea, 和 Tracy 去洗手.
"我 tī 20 捅歲有一个, 毋過我永遠袂 kā Isaiah 講," Tia án-ne 講, 真大聲. 她若酒醉 tō 吐心內話. 我拄入去 ê 時, 另外一个查某行出來, 因為水槽 kap 門中間有一堵壁, 她無看著我.
"你認為這會予伊困擾?" Tracy 問. 我想像, 她 tng-teh 照鏡, teh 補粉底通掩崁她 ê 疤跡.
"我干焦無認為這 kap 伊有底代."
"你真正相信她和 Brian 離開?" Andrea 問.
"彼袂予我著驚," Tracy 講.
"是按怎彼袂予你著驚?" Tia 問. "在我看, 她無可能忍受伊. 她敢毋是女同志?"
"我 mā 毋知她是啥?" Tracy 講.
姻攏笑出來. 我 kap 來 ê 時仝款, koh 靜靜離開.
- -
5.
With Allison, it had been like learning a new language. There was a different vocabulary to dating women. She showed me where and how to position my body during sex. I even learned to love coffee. But we were so different. She was certain that poetry could change the world, but I wasn’t so sure. I knew that she would respect me if I quit law school and published a chapbook. Her parents were intellectuals who never had to fret about money, not like my mother had to, and Allison was the same. There was an entitled, naïve way about her that I kept forgiving. She was the kind of white person who would never let me forget my blackness — she would detail oppressions to me as though I hadn’t lived them.
“I know I’m black,” I told her once. “You don’t have to keep reminding me.”
“Why are you so resistant to love?” she’d asked, which was an entirely different argument, but she couldn’t understand that.
*
Tia and Isaiah convinced everyone to go to the dance-hall-themed party in one of the resort’s entertainment rooms. I’d spent too much of my life subjected to men rubbing against me as a masculine gesture of dancing, but just as I was about to bow out, Tia gently placed her hand against my back as though she could read my mind. The room was darkly lit, and, accompanied by a Beenie Man song, I could almost smell the sex in the air. Those of us women who had traveled without dates danced together, but eventually everyone besides me peeled off as men approached them. Andrea and Tracy were dancing with two red-haired brothers from the UK, who kept exchanging glances at what I imagined was the possibility of both getting laid on the same night. I could see Tracy being game — she had a way of sleeping with men because they’d called her beautiful. A dog had bitten her right cheek when she was a little girl, and even now that the scar had faded, she slathered the area with foundation before appearing in public. Andrea had a face like a baby with her fat cheeks, but she was more cynical than she looked. A man had to earn her pussy. I swayed alone in the midst of strangers, shaking my head at the men who approached me. A few feet away, Tia was rubbing her ass against Isaiah’s crotch. I tried to catch her eyes, but she was looking past me.
I’d stepped outside when Brian approached me.
“Tired of dancing?” he asked.
“I just needed a moment. It’s hot in there.”
“I can understand that.”
We walked down to the beach. As we sat facing the water, I remember that we talked about all kinds of things. He’d voted for Obama but was disappointed by the presidency. He thought Obama should do more for black people. He’d dated his high school girlfriend throughout college, and was disappointed that she hadn’t waited a little longer for him to grow up. She’d married a white man in graduate school. He hadn’t eaten meat for the past ten years. He thought that with time maybe Allison and I would get back together.
“You’re different than I thought you were,” I told Brian, as we were walking to his room. He tried to hold my hand, but I wouldn’t let him. Afterwards, I made him high-five me, which made us both laugh.
On my walk back to the dance party, the sea air felt good, calming. I wasn’t thinking about Brian or Allison or anyone else. I was remembering a day from my childhood when my father drove to the sea and left me in the car to go into a house, which belonged to one of his extramarital lovers — though I didn’t know who she was at the time. When they came out of the house together, she handed me a cup filled with cherries that were cold, as though she’d just taken them from the fridge.
There were a few dancers straggling, and Isaiah broke from a conversation with his cousin about the upcoming NFL season to tell me that Tia, Andrea, and Tracy were in the bathroom.
“I had one in my early twenties, but I would never tell Isaiah,” Tia was saying, too loudly. She was a confessional drunk. I’d walked in just as another woman was leaving, and because a wall separated the door from the sinks, she couldn’t see me.
“You think it would bother him?” Tracy asked. I imagined that she was looking in the mirror, smoothing her foundation to keep the scar hidden.
“I just don’t think it’s his business.”
“You really believe that she left with Brian?” Andrea asked.
“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Tracy said.
“Why wouldn’t it surprise you?” Tia asked. “From what I saw, she couldn’t tolerate him. And isn’t she a lesbian?”
“I don’t know what she is,” Tracy said.
They laughed. I left as quietly as I came.
- -
No comments:
Post a Comment