5. Chia ê ōe-chok ū góa tha̍k ē-hiáu ê kò͘-sū
Jiân-āu, R. the̍h chhut lí-iû chí-lâm, téng-koân ê tē-tô͘ bô-hāu, i khióng-kiaⁿ thiⁿ-àm goán iáu chhōe bô San Marco [cheng-lâu]. I khai-sí kiâⁿ khah kín, góa tòe tī āu-bīn, ná kā khòng-gī; si̍t-chāi mā bô iàu-kín, ta̍k-hāng lóng chin súi, ta̍k-hāng goán lóng m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe, mā bē koh khòaⁿ tio̍h, m̄-koh i kian-chhî kè-sio̍k kiâⁿ, lú-lâi lú sit-chì, in-ūi tē-tô͘ kap goán teh kiâⁿ ê ke-lō͘ tàu bē ha̍h; i pí góa khah gâu iōng tē-tô͘, m̄-koh hó bô chē. I àu-náu góa kiâⁿ siūⁿ bān koh tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ thêng lo̍h-lâi, m̄-koh góa siūⁿ boeh hip-siòng, ta̍k-hāng lóng boeh hip: kiàn-tio̍k, ūn-hô, nê tī ū sip-khì ê gōa-kháu ê saⁿ, bīn-khak tiàm khǹg tī pàng-lo̍h ê thih lân-kan āu-bīn, hián-sī tī pōe-kéng teng-kng chêng ê carnival koài-bīn. R. oa̍t-lú khí-kông, hit-chióng hong-sek góa bē-tit lí-kái. Lán ē sit-khì kng-sòaⁿ, i it-ti̍t kóng, bē-su i sī chi̍t-ê gē-su̍t-ka, tng-teh sióng-siōng chi̍t-ê chêng-kéng, góa boeh tī lán sit-khì kng-sòaⁿ chìn-chêng khòaⁿ tio̍h he. Chū án-ne, góa siu kamera, kiâⁿ khah kín leh, góa ê ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ i, bián-tit hō͘ pa̍t-hāng mi̍h-kiāⁿ hun-sim khì. Lo̍h-bóe, i chóng-sǹg chhōe tio̍h ah, góa siūⁿ chú-iàu sī khò ūn-khì, hut-jiân goán oat chi̍t-ē, thâu-chêng khui-khoah khí-lâi, tī e-kheh ê hāng-lō͘ liáu-āu, sī khoah bóng-bóng ê tōa-tiâⁿ, koh-kòe tō sī chúi ê tē-pêng-sòaⁿ. R. oa̍t hiòng góa, chhiò-chhiò, m̄-koh, tong-jiân cheng-siaⁿ m̄-sī tī hit-ê sî-chūn hiáng-khí; án-ne chhut-tiûⁿ sī chi̍t-chióng kì-tî ê pá-hì, góa tō sī án-ne kì-tio̍h ê, chiáu-á poe khí-lâi, lâng-lâng lóng oa̍t ǹg Campanile [cheng-lâu], goán mā án-ne, i ê téng-chat iáu bêng-liāng, in-ūi lia̍h tio̍h chòe-āu ê ji̍t-kng. Seng-lí-lâng tī lâng-tīn tiong-kan se̍h, boeh bē thit-thô mi̍h hō͘ gín-á, tńg-se̍h ê téng-pō͘ poe khí-lâi ē hoat-chhut L.E.D. teng-kng. Tī hia, it-chhè sin ê lóng sī chiām-sî ê, pau-koat thit-thô mi̍h, koan-kong kheh, R. hām góa; it-chhè ē kú-tn̂g ê lóng sī kū ê, hông khòaⁿ kah ui-khì, m̄-koh góa iáu-sī khòaⁿ kah sîn-sîn, kúi pah-nî ê tōa kàu-tn̂g, cheng, chhāi tī ki-chō ê kim sai, chiong ē thun-chia̍h i ê hái; ta̍k-ūi lóng sī góa tha̍k kòe ê chheh, lí khòaⁿ, tī hia, góa kiông-boeh ē-tàng soeh-ho̍k ka-tī, Aschenbach tng-teh ùi bô khak-tēng ê chúi ta̍h chiūⁿ chio̍h-thâu.
Góa chóng-sī án-ne siūⁿ, góa ê thâu-khak móa-móa sī bô-iōng ê mi̍h, a̍h sī kóng, chū gián-kiù-só͘ í-lâi tō bô-iōng ah, tī hia hiah-ê bô-iōng ê mi̍h sī chi̍t-chióng hòe-pè, to-nî lâu lo̍h-lâi ê kū kò͘-sū hām lân-san sū-si̍t, kō͘ he góa siūⁿ boeh chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê ha̍k-chiá. Góa tha̍k kòe ê chheh! M̄-koh tī Venice ê kàu-tn̂g nih, góa hoat-hiān in ê iōng-tô͘, góa ē-tàng ūi R. tha̍k ōe-chok, he̍k-chiá m̄-sī ōe-chok, jî sī tha̍k in kóng ê kò͘-sū: Arimanthea ê Joseph, Mary kap Martha, Sebastian teh chiàu-kò͘ i ê chìⁿ. Bulgaria ê kàu-tn̂g nih ê ōe-chok khah bô hoat-tō͘ káng-kái, m̄-koh tī chia ê ōe-chok ū góa tha̍k ē-hiáu ê kò͘-sū, góa kóng hō͘ R. thiaⁿ, góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut i ê hoaⁿ-hí, che ùi i khòaⁿ góa chi̍t-ē koh oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ ōe-chok ê khoán-sè tō chai, góa chin kah-ì khòaⁿ tio̍h án-ne. Góa khì hō͘ lāu-su bê tio̍h ah, i sè-sè siaⁿ kóng, jiân-āu i chhiò chi̍t-ē, he sī hoaⁿ-hí ê bî-chhiò, kui-ê bīn chhiò hi-hi, ná koh oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ tô͘, m̄-koh góa chai, hit-ê chhiò-iông sī boeh hō͘ góa. Āu-lâi, tńg kàu Bologna, goán chē bóe-pang chhia kàu-ūi, só͘-ū ê chhan-thiaⁿ lóng koaiⁿ-mn̂g ah -- goán chia̍h chin-khong pau-chong ê sandwich hām chokolet, kong-ke lim chi̍t sió-kan ê prosecco chiú, lóng sī ùi chhia-thâu hū-kīn ê 24 sió-sî siong-tiàm bé ê -- i kiò góa koh kóng khah chē, siáⁿ lóng ē-sái. Kóng-kó͘ hō͘ góa thiaⁿ, i ná chhun-ûn ná kóng, hit-sî góa tó tī i sin-piⁿ, siang-chhiú so i ê heng kap pak-tó͘, góa tēⁿ i ê ko̍k-ke ê sî, kám-kak tio̍h he teh tiùⁿ-tōa, koh kā góa kóng chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū.
Kúi tiám-cheng liáu-āu, góa hip tī phōe-toaⁿ nih, joa̍h kah chhéⁿ lâi. Góa tiám to̍h chhn̂g piⁿ ê teng. R. khùn kah sí-sí, àm-sî góa khùn bē khì, kúi-ā tiám-cheng tī i sin-piⁿ tha̍k-chheh a̍h siá-jī, bián kiaⁿ ē kā chhá chhéⁿ. M̄-koh chit-kái i ū chhéⁿ lâi, a̍h sī kóng pòaⁿ-chhéⁿ, tī góa tó leh kā chheh chhāi tī pak-tó͘ ê sî, i hoan-sin ǹg góa, chhiú-kut khòe kòe góa ê, jiân-āu koh iⁿ-iⁿ khùn khì, i ê bīn ù tī góa ê keng-thâu. Góa kú-kú khòaⁿ i chi̍t-khùn chiah koh oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ góa ê chheh. Che ē-sái hêng-sêng oân-chéng ê seng-oa̍h, góa siūⁿ, siūⁿ kah kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, chiah-ê hō͘ góa kám-kak tiⁿ but-but ê sî-khek, í-keng kái-piàn góa chûn-chāi ê ki-lí. Góa í-chêng m̄-bat siūⁿ tio̍h chit-khoán tāi-chì.
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5. 遮 ê 畫作有我讀會曉 ê 故事
然後, R. 提出旅遊指南, 頂懸 ê 地圖無效, 伊恐驚天暗阮猶揣無 San Marco [鐘樓]. 伊開始行較緊, 我綴 tī 後面, ná kā 抗議; 實在 mā 無要緊, 逐項攏真媠, 逐項阮攏毋捌看過, mā 袂閣看著, 毋過伊堅持繼續行, lú 來 lú 失志, 因為地圖 kap 阮 teh 行 ê 街路鬥袂合; 伊比我較 gâu 用地圖, 毋過好無濟. 伊懊惱我行 siūⁿ 慢 koh 定定停落來, 毋過我想欲翕相, 逐項攏欲翕: 建築, 運河, 晾 tī 有濕氣 ê 外口 ê 衫, 面殼店囥 tī 放落 ê 鐵欄杆後面, 顯示 tī 背景燈光前 ê carnival 怪面. R. 越愈起狂, 彼種方式我袂得理解. 咱會失去光線, 伊一直講, 袂輸伊是一个藝術家, tng-teh 想像一个情境, 我欲 tī 咱失去光線進前看著彼. 自 án-ne, 我收 kamera, 行較緊 leh, 我 ê 目睭看伊, 免得予別項物件分心去. 落尾, 伊總算揣著 ah, 我想主要是靠運氣, 忽然阮斡一下, 頭前開闊起來, tī 挨 kheh ê 巷路了後, 是闊莽莽 ê 大埕, koh 過就是水 ê 地平線. R. 越向我, 笑笑, 毋過, 當然鐘聲毋是 tī 彼个時陣響起; án-ne 出場是一種記持 ê 把戲, 我就是 án-ne 記著 ê, 鳥仔飛起來, 人人攏越 ǹg Campanile [鐘樓], 阮 mā án-ne, 伊 ê 頂節猶明亮, 因為掠著最後 ê 日光. 生理人 tī 人陣中間踅, 欲賣 thit-thô 物予囡仔, 轉踅 ê 頂部飛起來會發出 L.E.D. 燈光. Tī 遐, 一切新 ê 攏是暫時 ê, 包括 thit-thô 物, 觀光客, R. 和我; 一切會久長 ê 攏是舊 ê, hông 看甲 ui 去, 毋過我猶是看甲神神, 幾百年 ê 大教堂, 鐘, chhāi tī 基座 ê 金獅, 將會吞食伊 ê 海; 逐位攏是我讀過 ê 冊, 你看, tī 遐, 我強欲會當說服家治, Aschenbach tng-teh ùi 無確定 ê 水踏上石頭.
我總是 án-ne 想, 我 ê 頭殼滿滿是無用 ê 物, a̍h 是講, 自研究所以來 tō 無用 ah, tī 遐 hiah-ê 無用 ê 物是一種貨幣, 多年留落來 ê 舊故事和零星事實, kō͘ 彼我想欲成做一个學者. 我讀過 ê 冊! 毋過 tī Venice ê 教堂 nih, 我發現 in ê 用途, 我會當為 R. 讀畫作, 或者毋是畫作, 而是讀 in 講 ê 故事: Arimanthea ê Joseph, Mary kap Martha, Sebastian teh 照顧伊 ê 箭. Bulgaria ê 教堂 nih ê 畫作較無法度講解, 毋過 tī 遮 ê 畫作有我讀會曉 ê 故事, 我講予 R. 聽, 我看會出伊 ê 歡喜, 這 ùi 伊看我一下 koh 越頭看畫作 ê 款勢 tō 知, 我真佮意看著 án-ne. 我去予老師迷著 ah, 伊細細聲講, 然後伊笑一下, 彼是歡喜 ê 微笑, 規个面笑 hi-hi, ná koh 越頭看圖, 毋過我知, 彼个笑容是欲予我. 後來, 轉到 Bologna, 阮坐尾幫車到位, 所有 ê 餐廳攏關門 ah -- 阮食真空包裝 ê sandwich 和 chokolet, 公家啉一小矸 ê prosecco 酒, 攏是 ùi 車頭附近 ê 24 小時商店買 ê -- 伊叫我 koh 講較濟, 啥攏會使. 講古予我聽, 伊 ná 伸勻 ná 講, 彼時我倒 tī 伊身邊, 雙手挲伊 ê 胸 kap 腹肚, 我捏伊 ê 咯雞 ê 時, 感覺著彼 teh 脹大, koh kā 我講一个故事.
幾點鐘了後, 我翕 tī 被單 nih, 熱甲醒來. 我點 to̍h 床邊 ê 燈. R. 睏甲死死, 暗時我睏袂去, 幾若點鐘 tī 伊身邊讀冊 a̍h 寫字, 免驚會 kā 吵醒. 毋過這改伊有醒來, a̍h 是講半醒, tī 我倒 leh kā 冊 chhāi tī 腹肚 ê 時, 伊翻身 ǹg 我, 手骨蹶過我 ê, 然後 koh iⁿ-iⁿ 睏去, 伊 ê 面焐 tī 我 ê 肩頭. 我久久看伊一睏才 koh 越頭看我 ê 冊. 這會使形成完整 ê 生活, 我想, 想甲驚一趒, chiah-ê 予我感覺甜粅粅 ê 時刻, 已經改變我存在 ê 肌理. 我以前毋捌想著這款代誌.
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5.
R. pulled out his guidebook then, with its useless maps, he was afraid we would lose the light before we saw San Marco. He started walking more quickly while I hung back, protesting; it didn’t matter, everything was beautiful, everything was something we hadn’t seen before and wouldn’t see again, but he insisted, increasingly frustrated as the map refused to align with the streets we walked; he was better with maps than I was but not by much. He got annoyed with me for walking too slowly and stopping too often, but I wanted to take photos of everything, the buildings, the canals, the laundry hung out in the damp air to dry, the mask shop with its window of carnival grotesques, backlit through the metal grille that had been pulled down. R. was growing frantic in a way I didn’t understand. We would lose the light, he kept saying, as though he were an artist imagining a scene, I want to see it before we lose the light. So I put away my camera and walked more quickly, I kept my eyes on R. so that I wouldn’t be distracted by anything else. And he did find it, finally, by luck mostly, I think, suddenly we turned and it opened out before us, after the cramped alleys the expanse of the square, beyond it the horizon of water. R. turned to me, smiling, and surely it wasn’t at that moment that the bells began to ring; it’s a trick of memory to stage it that way, but it is how I remember it, the birds flying up, everyone turning to the Campanile, as we did, its top still bright as it caught the last of the sun. Merchants were walking through the crowds, hawking toys for children, spinning tops that burst into L.E.D. color as they helicoptered up. All that was new there was evanescent, the toys, the tourists, R. and I; all that was lasting was old, worn dull with looking though still I wondered to look at it, the centuries-old basilica, the bells, the gold lion on its pedestal, the sea that would swallow it; and everywhere also the books I had read, so that look, there, I could almost convince myself of it, Aschenbach stepping from uncertain water to stone.
I had a mind full of useless things, I had always thought, or useless since graduate school, where they had been a kind of currency, the old stories and stray facts that were all that remained of the years in which I had wanted to be a scholar. The books I had read! But in the churches of Venice I found a use for them, I could read the paintings for R., or not the paintings but the stories they told: Joseph of Arimathea, Mary and Martha, Sebastian nursing his arrows. In churches in Bulgaria the paintings were more or less mute to me, but here they made a story I could read, and as I told it to him I saw the pleasure R. took in it, the way he looked at me and then at the painting, I loved to see it. I have a crush on teacher, he said, whispering, and then he smiled his smile that meant happiness, his whole face beaming, turning toward the painting now though I knew the smile was for me. Later, back in Bologna, where we arrived on the last train after all the restaurants had closed—we ate shrink-wrapped sandwiches and chocolate, shared a little bottle of prosecco, all of it from a twenty-four-hour shop near the station—he asked me to tell him more, it didn’t matter what. Tell me a story, he said, stretched out in bed as I lay beside him, running my hands across his chest and stomach, feeling his cock grow thick when I grabbed it, tell me another story.
I woke a few hours later too hot, stifling in the bedclothes. I switched on the lamp beside the bed. R. slept so deeply I never had to worry about waking him on the nights I couldn’t sleep, when I spent hours beside him reading or writing. But this time he did wake, or half wake, as I lay with a book propped on my stomach, he turned toward me and linked his arm through mine before settling back into sleep, his face pressed against my shoulder. I looked at him for a long moment before going back to my book. They could make a whole life, I thought, surprised to think it, these moments that filled me up with sweetness, that had changed the texture of existence for me. I had never thought anything like it before.
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