6. Góa hoat-hiān góa sī lú tông-chì
Andrea, Tracy, hām góa siáⁿ to ē-sái tâm-lūn -- cha-po͘ lâng ê lān-chiáu gōa-tn̂g gōa-chho͘, goán án-nóa hō͘ lāu-bú sit-bōng, lāu-bú án-nóa hō͘ goán sit-bōng, chò chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ lâng, chi̍t-ê o͘-lâng, chi̍t-ê Carib lâng ê li-li khok-khok, hām it-chhè chiah-ê tiong-kan ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Tī goán nâ-âu āu a̍h chhàng koh khah chhim ê mi̍h. M̄-koh, goán éng-oán bē-tit tâm-lūn Allison. Tī góa hoat-hiān, góa ē-tàng hoat-kak ka-tī hām chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ sio ì-ài, ta̍k-kái góa siūⁿ tio̍h goán nn̄g-lâng tī Midwest siâⁿ-tìn ê kong-kiōng tiûⁿ-só chhiú khan chhiú, góa tō hoân-ló Tracy hām Andrea ē tī góa kā yin thán-pe̍k chìn-chêng khòaⁿ tio̍h goán. Iá tī góa lo̍h-bóe kā yin kóng liáu-āu, kan-ta kán-tan kóng "Allison hām góa teh iok-hōe," yin sêng-jīn yin í-keng chai ah, yin ū chù-ì tio̍h goán ê chhin-bi̍t. Chin chheng-chhó, che it-ti̍t sī yin tiong-kan ê tùi-ōe, m̄-sī in-ūi yin chân-jím a̍h bô chi-chhî, m̄-koh góa goân-pún siūⁿ kóng, yin khó-lêng ē piáu-hiān chhut tùi hoat-seng tī góa sin siōng chòe chhù-bī ê tāi-chì koh khah ū hèng-chhù. M̄-koh, kàu taⁿ góa iáu sī bô hoat-tō͘ su-khó he -- góa kan-ta ē-tàng siūⁿ tio̍h kā yin kóng liáu ê khin-sang. Āu-lâi, góa tī lâm-e̍k ê sî khàu.
Lí ū chē-chē mi̍h boeh kā pêng-iú kóng. Tī hēng-hok hián-tit kap lí só͘ siūⁿ ê bô kāng ê sî, lí boeh kā yin kóng -- goân-pún lí teh tán siáⁿ, lí kî-thāi ê ài-chêng kám-kak, khoán-sè, hām lēng-gōa chi̍t-chióng choân-jiân kiaⁿ-hí, siūⁿ-bē-kàu, lí it-ti̍t teh tán-thāi ê pán-pún bô-tè sio-pí. Lí boeh kā yin kóng, lí tē-it pái hō͘ cha-bó͘ chim ê sî, lí in-ūi he hiah-nī chèng-siông, kám-kak siau-hong, tōa-thiòng. Lí ài yin mn̄g iú-koan seks ê tāi-chì -- sui-bóng thâu khí-seng lí mā m̄-chai lí ê kám-kak sī án-chóaⁿ. Lí siūⁿ boeh kái-soeh, in-ūi ū sî-chūn kái-soeh sī liáu-kái ê ûi-it hong-hoat. He tō ná teh tháu-pa̍k -- hō͘ lí ê lêng-hûn hām lí ê sin-khu tháu kah chhun in siōng kin-pún ê ki-gō. Lí bô siūⁿ tio̍h Sîn a̍h siat-to̍k sîn-bêng, a̍h lín lāu-bú ē án-nóa kóng; lí ê su-sióng, lí ê chûn-chāi, í-keng thê-seng kàu chi̍t-ê chiah-ê lóng bô iàu-kín ê só͘-chāi. Tùi hit-khoán ê ài khut-ho̍k sī tháu-pàng. Góa m̄-bat sióng-siōng góa ū khó-lêng hiah ióng-kám. Che, chit-ê sèng-lī, sī lí ài boeh kā pêng-iú kóng chhut ê tāi-chì.
Góa ì-sek tio̍h góa sī lú tông-chì ê hit-ê joa̍h-thiⁿ, góa siūⁿ tio̍h góa ê tó-sū. Góa mn̄g ka-tī, goán nā tī ka-tī chiu-ûi kiàn-chō tó-sū, in-ūi chū-ngó͘ boán-chiok m̄-sī siáⁿ chōe-kò, ē án-nóa? Góa sīm-chì chhì boeh ūi che siá chi̍t-siú si. He sī iú-koan to̍k-li̍p kap ko͘-toaⁿ, pó-hō͘ kap kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ -- āu-bīn hāng góa it-ti̍t lóng chhì m̄ sêng-jīn. Góa chhì boeh hō͘ ì-siōng piàn súi -- tē-kéng chheⁿ-chhùi ōng-sēng, tōa-hái sī góa gín-á sî ê sek, hit-sî goán iáu tòa tī Jamaica, goán lāu-pē chhiâng-chāi tī lé-pài ji̍t chá-khí chhōa goán khì hái soa-po͘. Nn̄g kò-goe̍h chêng, góa tńg lâi chit-siú si, góa chóng-sǹg sî-tiāu lu̍t-su sū-bū-só͘ ê thâu-lō͘, chhōe chi̍t-ê bô su-iàu hiah-koân chu-le̍k ê hêng-chèng khang-khòe, án-ne tī àm-sî góa tō ū chū-iû sî-kan thang siá-chok. M̄-koh, chiong-kî-bóe, chit-siú si it-chài tùn-teⁿ, in-ūi ta̍k-kái gí-giân m̄ thiaⁿ góa ê chí-hui. Góa kā goán lāu-bú kóng, góa hoán-pōe it-chhè, góa hoat-hiān góa ài tio̍h chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ ê sî, góa m̄-chai án-nóa biô-siá goán lāu-bú ê piáu-chêng. Thâu khí-seng, góa siūⁿ boeh chiâⁿ-chò chok-ka, āu-lâi góa hoat-hiān góa sī lú tông-chì, tī keng-kòe it-chhè í-āu, tha̍k hoat-lu̍t ha̍k-īⁿ, hām cha-po͘ khùn hiah chē nî, chiah-ê io̍k-bōng lo̍h-bóe iáu sī chhōe tio̍h góa. Khòaⁿ sī bô tó-sū ē-tàng chiap-la̍p góa -- bô chi̍t-ê khòaⁿ khí-lâi ū-kàu hn̄g, ū-kàu tōa a̍h ū-kàu an-choân ê só͘-chāi. Sī lah, góa ē-tàng lī-khui, ē-tàng kō͘ pó-hō͘ ê mô͘-thán tān ka-tī, m̄-koh góa iáu sī ē siūⁿ-khí só͘ ài ê lâng kap in tùi góa ê siūⁿ-hoat. Tiām-chēng hō͘ lâng kám-kak ko͘-toaⁿ.
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6. 我發現我是女同志
Andrea, Tracy, 和我啥 to 會使談論 -- 查埔人 ê 膦鳥偌長偌粗, 阮按怎予老母失望, 老母按怎予阮失望, 做一个查某人, 一个烏人, 一个 Carib 人 ê li-li khok-khok, 和一切 chiah-ê 中間 ê 物件. Tī 阮嚨喉後 a̍h 藏閣較深 ê 物. 毋過, 阮永遠袂得談論 Allison. Tī 我發現, 我會當發覺家治和一个查某相意愛, 逐改我想著阮兩人 tī Midwest 城鎮 ê 公共場所手牽手, 我 tō 煩惱 Tracy 和 Andrea 會 tī 我 kā 姻坦白進前看著阮. Iá tī 我落尾 kā 姻講了後, 干焦簡單講 "Allison 和我 teh 約會," 姻承認姻已經知 ah, 姻有注意著阮 ê 親密. 真清楚, 這一直是姻中間 ê 對話, 毋是因為姻殘忍 a̍h 無支持, 毋過我原本想講, 姻可能會表現出對發生 tī 我身上最趣味 ê 代誌閣較有興趣. 毋過, 到今我猶是無法度思考彼 -- 我干焦會當想著 kā 姻講了 ê 輕鬆. 後來, 我 tī 淋浴 ê 時哭.
你有濟濟物欲 kā 朋友講. Tī 幸福顯得 kap 你所想 ê 無仝 ê 時, 你欲 kā 姻講 -- 原本你 teh 等啥, 你期待 ê 愛情感覺, 款勢, 和另外一種全然驚喜, 想袂到, 你一直 teh 等待 ê 版本無地相比. 你欲 kā 姻講, 你第一擺予查某唚 ê 時, 你因為彼 hiah-nī 正常, 感覺消風, 大暢. 你愛姻問有關 seks ê 代誌 -- 雖罔頭起先你 mā 毋知你 ê 感覺是按怎. 你想欲解說, 因為有時陣解說是了解 ê 唯一方法. 彼 tō ná teh 敨縛 -- 予你 ê 靈魂和你 ê 身軀敨 kah 賰 in 上根本 ê 饑餓. 你無想著神 a̍h 褻瀆神明, a̍h 恁老母會按怎講; 你 ê 思想, 你 ê 存在, 已經提升到一个 chiah-ê 攏無要緊 ê 所在. 對彼款 ê 愛屈服敨放. 我毋捌想像我有可能 hiah 勇敢. 這, 這个勝利, 是你愛欲 kā 朋友講出 ê 代誌.
我意識著我是女同志 ê 彼个熱天, 我想著我 ê 島嶼. 我問家治, 阮若 tī 家治周圍建造島嶼, 因為自我滿足毋是啥罪過, 會按怎? 我甚至試欲為這寫一首詩. 彼是有關獨立 kap 孤單, 保護 kap 驚惶 -- 後面項我一直攏試毋承認. 我試欲予意象變媠 -- 地景青翠旺盛, 大海是我囡仔時 ê 色, 彼時阮猶蹛 tī Jamaica, 阮老爸常在 tī 禮拜日早起 chhōa 阮去海沙埔. 兩個月前, 我轉來這首詩, 我總算辭掉律師事務所 ê 頭路, 揣一个無需要 hiah 懸資歷 ê 行政工課, án-ne tī 暗時我 tō 有自由時間通寫作. 毋過, 終其尾, 這首詩一再頓蹬, 因為逐改語言毋聽我 ê 指揮. 我 kā 阮老母講, 我反背一切, 我發現我愛著一个查某 ê 時, 我毋知按怎描寫阮老母 ê 表情. 頭起先, 我想欲成做作家, 後來我發現我是女同志, tī 經過一切以後, 讀法律學院, 和查埔睏 hiah 濟年, chiah-ê 慾望落尾猶是揣著我. 看是無島嶼會當接納我 -- 無一个看起來有夠遠, 有夠大 a̍h 有夠安全 ê 所在. 是 lah, 我會當離開, 會當 kō͘ 保護 ê 毛毯 tān 家治, 毋過我猶是會想起所愛 ê 人 kap in 對我 ê 想法. 恬靜予人感覺孤單.
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6.
Andrea, Tracy, and I could talk about everything — the length and width of a man’s penis, how we had failed our mothers and how they had failed us, the nitty-gritty of being a woman, black, and Caribbean, and everything else in between. The stuff at the back of our throats or buried even deeper. But we could never talk about Allison. When I discovered that I could find myself in love with a woman, whenever I thought about the two of us holding hands in public in that Midwestern town, I only worried about Tracy and Andrea seeing us before I could come out to them. And when I finally told them, with the simplicity of “Allison and I are dating,” they admitted that they’d known, they’d noticed our intimacy. It was clear that it had been a conversation between them, and it wasn’t that they were cruel or unsupportive, but I had thought that they might appear more interested in the most interesting thing that had ever happened to me. But I couldn’t think about that just yet — I could only think about the relief of telling them. Afterwards, I cried in the shower.
There is so much you want to tell your friends. You want to tell them when happiness looks different than you ever imagined it could — that what you had been waiting for, how you were expecting love to feel and to look, doesn’t compare to another version that is altogether a surprise and nevertheless, unbeknownst to you, what you had been waiting for. You want to tell them that the first time a woman kisses you, you are deflated and ecstatic by how normal it is. You want them to ask about the sex — even though at first you don’t know how you feel about it. You want to explain because to tell is sometimes the only way to understand. It had been like being unwrapped — your soul and your body being reduced to their most essential hungers. You hadn’t thought about God or blasphemy or what your mother would say; your mind, your being, had been elevated to a place where none of that mattered. It had been freeing to give in to love like that. I hadn’t imagined that I could be that brave. And this, this triumph, is a thing you want to say to your friends.
The summer I realized I was a lesbian, I thought about my island. What, I asked myself, if we built islands around ourselves, because it’s no sin to be self-sufficient? I even tried to write a poem about it. It was about independence and loneliness, protection and fear — the latter I tried to deny for a long time. I tried to make the imagery beautiful — the landscape lush, and the sea a color from my childhood when we still lived in Jamaica and my father used to take us to the beach on Sunday mornings. I returned to the poem two months ago, when I finally quit my job at the law firm and found an administrative job I was overqualified for, but which freed up my evenings to write. But eventually and repeatedly the poem would come to a standstill because language betrayed me every time. I didn’t know how to articulate the face my mother made when I told her that I’d gone against everything and found myself in love with a woman. First, I wanted to be a writer, and then I discovered that I was a lesbian, and after everything, attending law school and all those years of sleeping with men, those desires still found me in the end. There seemed to be no island that could hold me then — no place seemed far or big or safe enough. Yes, I could leave, could wrap blankets of protection around myself, but I would remember my loved ones and what they were thinking of me. The silence would be lonely.
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