6. Gopal hoâi-gî yi kám ū ài i
"Lí bîn-á-chài kám boeh chia̍h-àm? Góa lâi chú." In tông-ì la̍k-tiám siong-hōe. Nn̄g-lâng ê tâm-ōe koh kè-sio̍k kúi-ā hun-cheng, tán Gopal kòa tiān-ōe ê sî, i chin tek-ì ka-tī kā tāi-chì chhú-lí kah chiâⁿ hó-sè.
Tó tī chhn̂g boeh khùn chìn-chêng, Gopal koh tha̍k chi̍t-phiⁿ "Cosmopolitan" ê bûn-chiuⁿ, sī iú-koan kang-chok ap-le̍k tùi seks seng-oa̍h ê éng-hióng. I tùi hit nn̄g-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ lóng chin kah-ì, mā hoaⁿ-hí ka-tī ū phah-piàⁿ boeh liáu-kái Shaw Tt. I chhiò gi-gi khùn khì.
Keh-kang, tha̍k liáu pò-chóa í-āu, Gopal cháu khì tô͘-su-koán tha̍k Cosmopolitan hit-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ ê tē-it pō͘-hūn. Kiat-kio̍k, i koh tha̍k ùi Elle, Redbook, Glamour ê chē-chē bûn-chiuⁿ, mā tha̍k chi̍t-phiⁿ Reader’s Digest ê bûn-chiuⁿ -- "Án-nóa chai-iáⁿ lí ê hun-in chhut būn-tê ah." I chhì boeh kì-tiâu "Chhiò sī hó io̍h" choan-nôa lāi-té ê chhiò-khoe, án-ne tī kau-tâm i tō bē léng-tiûⁿ ah.
Gopal tī sì-tiám tńg kàu chhù, tō khai-sí chú-chia̍h. Àm-tǹg chin jû-khoài, sui-bóng tī chàu-kha chia̍h, hia ê ji̍t-kong-teng iāⁿ-iāⁿ sih. Gopal hoân-ló cha-hng ê chò-ài chí-sī hó-ūn. M̄-koh nn̄g-lâng chia̍h-pá bô kú, in í-keng lâi tī phòng-í, hō͘-siong teh liù tùi-hong ê saⁿ-khò͘.
Gopal boeh lâu Shaw Tt kòe-mê, m̄-koh yi kī-choa̍t, kóng, chū-chiông lī-hun, yi m̄-bat tī pa̍t-lâng tau kòe-mê. Thâu khí-seng, Gopal thiaⁿ kah chin kám-tōng. O͘-àm tiong siang-lâng tó tī i ê bîn-chhn̂g. Tâi-teng chō ê sî-cheng hián-sī 9:12 tōa-tōa ê âng jī. "Án-nóa sioh?" Gopal mn̄g, hoan-sin kā chhùi-phé ù tī yi he léng-léng ê keng-kah-thâu. I boeh hō͘ yi chai, i jia̍t-chhiat boeh chai yi ê siūⁿ-hoat.
"Góa siūⁿ, góa sī chiông-it-jî-chiong chú-gī-chiá, góa bô-ài kā tāi-chì pìⁿ kah siuⁿ ho̍k-cha̍p." yi kō͘ tiong-cháiⁿ kā chi̍t-chhok thâu-chang tńg chi̍t-ê kat. "Che pēng m̄-sī in-ūi lí, chhin-ài-ê. Tùi ta̍k-ê cha-po͘ lóng sī án-ne."
"Oh," Gopal kóng, iáu ū pa̍t-ê cha-po͘ ê kóng-hoat hō͘ i sim-thiàⁿ, tùi yi ê tōng-ki phòa-bia̍t. M̄-koh, i kè-sio̍k siong-sìn, taⁿ in siang-lâng sī chêng-jîn, i ê koan-sim ū-kàu la̍t hō͘ yi kā i ài tò-tńg lâi. Hit-kang tha̍k tio̍h ê chi̍t-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ ū kóng-khí, lâng nā it-ti̍t siū tio̍h koan-sim, lân-bián ē ho͘-siong i-lāi. Só͘-í i pàng sang ka-tī, piáu-hiān kah chin lí-kái.
Gopal tī Shaw Tt lī-khui chi̍t tiám-cheng liáu-āu chiūⁿ-chhn̂g. Boeh khùn chìn-chêng, i khà tiān-ōe hō͘ yi, kā yi kóng àm-an. Chū hit-kang liáu-āu, i chhiâng-chāi khà tiān-ōe hō͘ yi, chi̍t-kang nn̄g/saⁿ kái. Koh-lâi hit kúi lé-pài, Gopal kám-kak ka-tī piàn kah tùi yi pì-sù koh khin-phû. Tī Shaw Tt chiap tiān-ōe ê sî, i kek phi̍ⁿh-phe̍ⁿh chhoán ê siaⁿ, lāng Shaw Tt tōa-chhiò. Yi kah-ì i chit-chióng gín-á khoán. Ū-sî yi pí i heng-chêng bó͘ chi̍t-ê ūi, i tō àⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ, sui-bóng chai-iáⁿ hia siáⁿ to bô, hō͘ yi kho̍k i ê phīⁿ. In teh chò-âi ê sî, yi chin thé-thiap, mn̄g i khah kah-ì án-nóa chò, Gopal ùi chia o̍h tio̍h, mā án-ne mn̄g yi. In chha-put-to ta̍k-kang sio-kìⁿ, sui-bóng ū-sî kan-ta té-té kúi hun-cheng, tī hông-hun a̍h àm-sî. M̄-koh, Gopal tī yi sin-piⁿ, kè-sio̍k ē kám-kak kín-tiuⁿ, bē-su sī i teh chak-chō lâng. Yi nā khà tiān-ōe chhiáⁿ i kòe khì, i chóng-sī kám-kak siū tio̍h pa-kiat. Tán Gopal lú liáu-kái Shaw Tt, i khai-sí jīn-ûi yi chin khiáu. Yi chhiâng-chāi teh tha̍k-chheh, chú-iàu sī le̍k-sú kap keng-chè-ha̍k. Só͘-í, tī yi ut-būn, to-chêng, koh kóng ko͘-toaⁿ bô io̍h i ê sî, i chóng-sī tio̍h chi̍t-kiaⁿ. Gopal kah-ì Shaw Tt tī chit-chióng sim-chêng, án-ne hō͘ i kám-kak pī su-iàu, m̄-koh i iū chin kiàn-siàu, in-ūi ka-tī bô an-choân-kám. Yi nā tùi chi̍t-ê chhiò-ōe bô chhiò, Gopal tō hoâi-gî yi kám ū ài i. In nā chò-hóe tī bîn-chhn̂g, siūⁿ tio̍h yi khó-lêng teh khòaⁿ i, i ê ūi tō cho-cho.
Chit-chióng bô an-ún ê kám-kak, hō͘ Gopal siūⁿ boeh ūi ka-tī khai-hoat kî-thaⁿ ê chi-chhî. Tī i hām Shaw Tt kau-óng ê chho͘-kî, chi̍t-kang chá-khí, i khà tiān-ōe hō͘ chi̍t-ê Indo-lâng kang-thêng-su, hit-lâng i bat hām i ha̍p-chok kòe chi̍t-ê tâng-sòaⁿ hú-si̍t ê choan-àn, i mā thê-chá ùi AT&T thè-hiu ah. Tú thè-hiu ê sî, in bat kán-té kìⁿ kòe kúi-kái bīn, ta̍k-kái lóng tông-ì koh kìⁿ-bīn, m̄-koh kok-lâng lóng bô chin jīn-chin. Gopal tán kàu 11 tiám chiah khà tiān-ōe, in-ūi i kám-kak nā siuⁿ chá khà, ē pī jīn-ûi i ū siáⁿ su-kiû. Chiap tiān-ōe ê sī chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘. Yi kiò i tán chi̍t-ē, yi khì kiò Rishi lâi. Sui-bóng in bó͘-kiáⁿ í-keng lī-khui, Gopal kám-kak ná-chhiūⁿ teh khi-phiàn, tio̍h kek kah ká-ná ka-tī sī lēng-gōa ê pa̍t-lâng.
"Góa it-ti̍t bô teh chhòng-siáⁿ," i chek-khek kā Rishi kóng thán-pe̍k. "Góa tha̍k chin chē mi̍h-kiāⁿ." Tán Rishi mn̄g i tha̍k siáⁿ, Gopal pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè hôe-tap kóng "Cha̍p-chì." Siang-lâng hit-sî lóng tiām khì. Gopal bô siūⁿ boeh chi̍t-ē tō mn̄g Rishi kám boeh kìⁿ-bīn chia̍h-pn̄g, só͘-í piàⁿ-miā teh chhōe kau-tâm ê ōe-tê. I chē tī chàu-kha. I khòaⁿ ji̍t-kng chiò tī bīn-chêng ê pò-chóa téng, siūⁿ khí i ē-tàng mn̄g Rishi būn-tê. "Lí kòe liáu án-chóaⁿ?"
"Chia kap Indo bô kāng," Rishi kā ìn, án-ne teh bâi-oàn. "Tī Indo, lú chē hòe lí tō lú sīu lâng chù-ì. Tī chia, lí tio̍h kè-sio̍k hiòng chêng. Gín-á bô tī sin-piⁿ, lí bô siáⁿ thang chò. Góa siūⁿ boeh tńg khì, m̄-koh Ratha bô-ài. Bí-kok tùi hū-jîn-lâng hó chin chē."
Gopal hut-leh kám-kak khin-sang khí-lâi, in-ūi Rishi chi̍t-khùi kóng chiah chē. "Lí lóng tī chhù nih, a̍h sī lí ū teh kiam-chit?"
"Góa sī Indo Bûn-hòa Hia̍p-hōe chú-se̍k," Rishi hong-sîn-khì án-ne kóng.
"Ū-kàu chán," Gopal kóng, sûi koh thiàu ōe kóng, "he góa mā siūⁿ boeh to-to chham-ka, taⁿ góa ū sî-kan ah."
"Goán it-ti̍t lóng su-iàu pang-chān. Goán boeh pān chi̍t-ê tián-lám-hōe," Rishi kóng. "Sī āu kò goe̍h 24 hit-kang. Goán su-iàu lâng pang-chān hia̍p-tiau tāi-chì, an-pâi si̍t-bu̍t, tah soan-thoân-toaⁿ."
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6. Gopal 懷疑她敢有愛伊
"你明仔載敢欲食暗? 我來煮." In 同意六點相會. 兩人 ê 談話 koh 繼續幾若分鐘, 等 Gopal 掛電話 ê 時, 伊真得意家治 kā 代誌處理甲誠好勢.
倒 tī 床欲睏進前, Gopal koh 讀一篇 "Cosmopolitan" ê 文章, 是有關工作壓力對 seks 生活 ê 影響. 伊對彼兩篇文章攏真佮意, mā 歡喜家治有拍拚欲了解 Shaw Tt. 伊笑 gi-gi 睏去.
隔工, 讀了報紙以後, Gopal 走去圖書館讀 Cosmopolitan 彼篇文章 ê 第一部份. 結局, 伊 koh 讀 ùi Elle, Redbook, Glamour ê 濟濟文章, mā 讀一篇 Reader’s Digest ê 文章 -- "按怎知影你 ê 婚姻出問題 ah." 伊試欲記牢 "笑是好藥" 專欄內底 ê 笑詼, án-ne tī 交談伊 tō 袂冷場 ah.
Gopal tī 四點轉到厝, tō 開始煮食. 暗頓真愉快, 雖罔 tī 灶跤食, 遐 ê 日光燈 iāⁿ-iāⁿ 爍. Gopal 煩惱昨昏 ê 做愛只是好運. 毋過兩人食飽無久, in 已經來 tī 膨椅, 互相 teh liù 對方 ê 衫褲.
Gopal 欲留 Shaw Tt 過暝, 毋過她拒絕, 講, 自從離婚, 她毋捌 tī 別人兜過暝. 頭起先, Gopal 聽甲真感動. 烏暗中雙人倒 tī 伊 ê 眠床. 台燈座 ê 時鐘顯示 9:12 大大 ê 紅字. "按怎 sioh?" Gopal 問, 翻身 kā 喙䫌焐 tī 她彼冷冷 ê 肩胛頭. 伊欲予她知, 伊熱切欲知她 ê 想法.
"我想, 我是從一而終主義者, 我無愛 kā 代誌變甲傷複雜." 她 kō͘ 中指 kā 一撮頭鬃轉一个結. "這並毋是因為你, 親愛 ê. 對逐个查埔攏是 án-ne."
"Oh," Gopal 講, 猶有別个查埔 ê 講法予伊心疼, 對她 ê 動機破滅. 毋過, 伊繼續相信, 今 in 雙人是情人, 伊 ê 關心有夠力予她 kā 伊愛倒轉來. 彼工讀著 ê 一篇文章有講起, 人若一直受著關心, 難免會互相依賴. 所以伊放鬆家治, 表現甲真理解.
Gopal tī Shaw Tt 離開一點鐘了後上床. 欲睏進前, 伊敲電話予她, kā 她講暗安. 自彼工了後, 伊常在敲電話予她, 一工兩三改. 閣來彼幾禮拜, Gopal 感覺家治變甲對她閉思 koh 輕浮. Tī Shaw Tt 接電話 ê 時, 伊激 phi̍ⁿh-phe̍ⁿh 喘 ê 聲, 弄 Shaw Tt 大笑. 她佮意伊這種囡仔款. 有時她比伊胸前某一个位, 伊 tō àⁿ 頭看, 雖罔知影遐啥都無, 予她硞伊 ê 鼻. In teh 做愛 ê 時, 她真體貼, 問伊較佮意按怎做, Gopal ùi 遮學著, mā án-ne 問她. In 差不多逐工相見, 雖罔有時干焦短短幾分鐘, tī 黃昏 a̍h 暗時. 毋過, Gopal tī 她身邊, 繼續會感覺緊張, 袂輸是伊 teh 齪嘈人. 她若敲電話請伊過去, 伊總是感覺受著巴結. 等 Gopal lú 了解 Shaw Tt, 伊開始認為她真巧. 她常在 teh 讀冊, 主要是歷史 kap 經濟學. 所以, tī 她鬱悶, 多情, 閣講孤單無藥醫 ê 時, 伊總是著一驚. Gopal 佮意 Shaw Tt tī 這種心情, án-ne 予伊感覺被需要, 毋過伊又真見笑, 因為家治無安全感. 她若對一个笑話無笑, Gopal tō 懷疑她敢有愛伊. In 若做伙 tī 眠床, 想著她可能 teh 看伊, 伊 ê 胃 tō 慒慒.
這種無安穩 ê 感覺, 予 Gopal 想欲為家治開發其他 ê 支持. Tī 伊和 Shaw Tt 交往 ê 初期, 一工早起, 伊敲電話予一个 Indo 人工程師, 彼人伊捌和伊合作過一个銅線腐蝕 ê 專案, 伊 mā 提早 ùi AT&T 退休 ah. 拄退休 ê 時, in 捌簡短見過幾改面, 逐改攏同意 koh 見面, 毋過各人攏無真認真. Gopal 等到 11 點才敲電話, 因為伊感覺若傷早敲, 會被認為伊有啥需求. 接電話 ê 是一个查某. 她叫伊等一下, 她去叫 Rishi 來. 雖罔 in 某囝已經離開, Gopal 感覺若像 teh 欺騙, 著激甲 ká-ná 家治是另外 ê 別人.
"我一直無 teh 創啥," 伊即刻 kā Rishi 講坦白. "我讀真濟物件." 等 Rishi 問伊讀啥, Gopal 歹勢歹勢回答講 "雜誌." 雙人彼時攏恬去. Gopal 無想欲一下 tō 問 Rishi 敢欲見面食飯, 所以拚命 teh 揣交談 ê 話題. 伊坐 tī 灶跤. 伊看日光照 tī 面前 ê 報紙頂, 想起伊會當問 Rishi 問題. "你過了按怎?"
"遮 kap Indo 無仝," Rishi kā 應, án-ne teh 埋怨. "Tī Indo, lú 濟歲你 tō lú 受人注意. Tī 遮, 你著繼續向前. 囡仔無 tī 身邊, 你無啥通做. 我想欲轉去, 毋過 Ratha 無愛. 美國對婦人 lâng 好真濟."
Gopal 忽 leh 感覺輕鬆起來, 因為 Rishi 一氣講 chiah 濟. "你攏 tī 厝 nih, a̍h 是你有 teh 兼職?"
"我是 Indo 文化協會主席," Rishi 風神氣 án-ne 講.
"有夠讚," Gopal 講, 隨 koh 跳話講, "彼我 mā 想欲多多參加, 今我有時間 ah."
"阮一直攏需要幫贊. 阮欲辦一个展覽會," Rishi 講. "是後個月 24 彼工. 阮需要人幫贊協調代誌, 安排食物, 貼宣傳單."
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6.
"Would you like to have dinner tomorrow? I'll cook." They agreed to meet at six. The conversation continued for a few minutes longer, and when Gopal hung up, he was pleased at how well he had handled things.
While lying in bed, waiting for sleep, Gopal read another article in Cosmopolitan, about job pressure's effects on one's sex life. He had enjoyed both articles and was happy with himself for his efforts at understanding Mrs. Shaw. He fell asleep smiling.
THE next day, after reading the papers, Gopal went to the library to read the first part of the Cosmopolitan article. He ended up reading articles from Elle, Redbook, Glamour, Mademoiselle, and Family Circle, and one from Reader's Digest -- "How to Tell If Your Marriage Is on the Rocks." He tried to memorize jokes from the "Laughter Is the Best Medicine" section, so that he would never be at a loss for conversation.
Gopal arrived at home by four and began cooking. Dinner was pleasant, though they ate in the kitchen, which was lit with buzzing fluorescent tubes. Gopal worried that yesterday's lovemaking might have been a fluke. Soon after they finished the meal, however, they were on the couch, struggling with each other's clothing.
Gopal wanted Mrs. Shaw to spend the night, but she refused, saying that she had not slept a full night with anyone since her divorce. At first Gopal was touched by this. They lay on his bed in the dark. The alarm clock on the lampstand said 9:12 in big red figures. "Why?" Gopal asked, rolling over and resting his cheek on her cool shoulder. He wanted to reassure her that he was eager to listen.
"I think I'm a serial monogamist and I don't want to make things too complicated." She twisted a lock of his hair around her middle finger. "It isn't because of you, sweetie. It's with every man."
"Oh," Gopal said, hurt by the idea of other men and disillusioned about her motives. He continued believing, however, that now that they were lovers, the power of his concern would make her love him back. One of the articles he had read that day had suggested that people become dependent in spite of themselves when they are constantly cared for. So he made himself relax and act understanding.
Gopal went to bed an hour after Mrs. Shaw left. Before going to sleep he called her and wished her good night. He began calling her frequently after that, two or three times a day. Over the next few weeks Gopal found himself becoming coy and playful with her. When Mrs. Shaw picked up the phone, he made panting noises, and she laughed at him. She liked his being childlike with her. Sometimes she would point to a spot on his chest, and he would look down, even though he knew nothing was there, so that she could tap his nose. When they made love, she was thoughtful about asking what pleased him, and Gopal learned from this and began asking her the same. They saw each other nearly every day, though sometimes only briefly, for a few minutes in the evening or at night. But Gopal continued to feel nervous around her, as if he were somehow imposing. If she phoned him and invited him over, he was always flattered. As Gopal learned more about Mrs. Shaw, he began thinking she was very smart. She read constantly, primarily history and economics. He was always surprised, therefore, when she became moody and sentimental and talked about how loneliness is incurable. Gopal liked Mrs. Shaw in this mood, because it made him feel needed, but he felt ashamed that he was so insecure. When she did not laugh at a joke, Gopal doubted that she would ever love him. When they were in bed together and he thought she might be looking at him, he kept his stomach sucked in.
THIS sense of precariousness made Gopal try developing other supports for himself. One morning early in his involvement with Mrs. Shaw he phoned an Indian engineer with whom he had worked on a project about corrosion of copper wires and who had also taken early retirement from AT&T. They had met briefly several times since then and had agreed each time to get together again, but neither had made the effort. Gopal waited until eleven before calling, because he felt that any earlier would make him sound needy. A woman picked up the phone. She told him to wait a minute as she called for Rishi. Gopal felt vaguely deceitful, as if he were trying to pass himself off as just like everyone else, although his wife and child had left him.
"I haven't been doing much," he confessed immediately to Rishi. "I read a lot." When Rishi asked what, Gopal answered "Magazines," with embarrassment. They were silent then. Gopal did not want to ask Rishi immediately if he would like to meet for dinner, so he hunted desperately for a conversational opening. He was sitting in the kitchen. He looked at the sunlight on the newspaper before him and remembered that he could ask Rishi questions. "How are you doing?"
"It isn't like India," Rishi responded, complaining. "In India the older you are, the closer you are to the center of attention. Here you have to keep going. Your children are away and you have nothing to do. I would go back, but Ratha doesn't want to. America is much better for women."
Gopal felt a rush of relief that Rishi had spoken so much. "Are you just at home or are you doing something part time?"
"I am the president of the Indian Cultural Association," Rishi said boastfully.
"That's wonderful," Gopal said, and with a leap added, "I want to get involved in that more, now that I have time."
"We always need help. We are going to have a fair," Rishi said. "It's on the twenty-fourth, next month. We need help coordinating things, arranging food, putting up flyers."
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