7. I chham-ka kè-ōe tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì
"Góa ē-tàng tàu-saⁿ-kāng." Gopal kóng. In koat-tēng, nn̄g-kang āu, pài-saⁿ, i tio̍h lâi Ri̍shi in tau.
Gopal tú boeh kòa tiān-ōe, Rishi koh kóng, "Góa ū thiaⁿ tio̍h lín tau ê tāi-chì." Gopal kám-kak ná hông lia̍h tio̍h pe̍h-chha̍t. "Góa kám-kak ûi-hām," Rishi kóng.
Gopal tiām chi̍t-khùn, chiah kóng, "Kám-siā." I m̄-chai, kám tio̍h kek kah chin pi-siong. "Che bān-bān tō ē koàn-sì," i kóng, "m̄-koh, lí ká-ná ùi tó lóng ē-tit kè-sio̍k lo̍h-khì."
Gopal tī hit-ê pài-saⁿ khì khòaⁿ Rishi, kàu lé-pài-ji̍t, i chham-ka lí-sū-hōe, kè-ōe tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì. I kóng chi̍t-bóe kīn-sī ê chôa kap chúi-kóng ê chhiò-khoe, mā kóng chi̍t-ê golf kàu-liān hām Sîn ê chhiò-khoe. Tī hia tú-tio̍h ê chi̍t-ê lâng iau-chhiáⁿ i khì chò-hóe chia̍h-pn̄g.
Put-jî-kò, i ê su-sióng iáu sī hō͘ Shaw Tt só͘ chi-phòe. In lú chò-ài, Gopal lú tîm-chùi tī i chhùi tiong yi ê leng-thâu ê chit-kám hām i chhiú tiong yi ê kha-chhng-táu ê hūn-liōng. I sé shower /siau.à/ ê sî, sái-chhia ê sî, kiáu be̍h-phìⁿ ê sî lóng teh siūⁿ che. Koh-lâi hit kò goe̍h, ū nn̄g/saⁿ kái, tī yi chia̍h-tàu ê sî lâi chiap yi, koh kín-kín tńg chhù chò-ài. In seng chò-ài, koh kau-tâm. Shaw Tt bat tī chi̍t-keng ta-sé-tiàm chia̍h thâu-lō͘, Gopal kám-kak che chiâⁿ chhù-bī. Tī Shaw Tt chìn-chêng, kui sì-lâng i m̄-bat tú kòe tī ta-sé hâng-gia̍p siōng-pan ê lâng, che chiâⁿ bô kán-tan, in-ūi tī Indo, ta-sé ū sian-chìn kho-ki ê bī-le̍k. Chò chi̍t-ê bat tī ta-sé hâng-gia̍p ho̍k-bū ê lâng ê ài-jîn, Gopal kám-kak koài-koài. Che hō͘ i kám-kak sè-kài tōa kah pháiⁿ lí-kái, nā boeh khai sî-kan khòng-chè ka-tī ê sió sè-kài sī bô hāu-lu̍t. Gopal khai-sí siong-sìn, i khì ài tio̍h Shaw Tt ah. I khai-sí thiaⁿ chhia nih hòng-sàng lāu-koa ê tiān-tâi, án-ne i tō ē-tàng thiaⁿ tio̍h yi siàu-liân sî thiaⁿ ê koa.
Shaw Tt ē mn̄g khí i ê seng-oa̍h, Gopal chhì chīn-liōng siông-sè kā kóng yi siūⁿ boeh chai ê it-chhè. Chi̍t-kái, i kā kóng, in chă-kiáⁿ ko-tiong pit-gia̍p ê sî, i khai-sí gōa-nī-á kiaⁿ yi ē ùi i ê seng-oa̍h tiong liu-cháu. Ūi tio̍h piáu-sī tùi yi ê ài, i bú-toàn put-chun yi khì chhu-seh, kóng chhu-seh chin hûi-hiám. I goân-pún hi-bāng yi ē lí-kái chit-ê ku-koài ê î-bîn, m̄-koh yi kan-ta sī siū-khì. Thâu-khí-seng, sī i kā ōe kóng têng-tâⁿ khì, i tō kā Shaw Tt kóng khí chhu-seh ê it-poaⁿ chêng-hêng. Keng-kòe sim-lāi ê kún-ká, i chiah koh kóng chhut i hām Gitu ê oan-ke. Tú khai-sí, Shaw Tt bô kóng siáⁿ. Āu-lâi yi kóng, "Lí kòe-khì bat án-ne, he mā bô iàu-kín, chí-iàu taⁿ lí m̄-sī hit-khoán lâng tō hó." Thiaⁿ yi án-ne kóng, Gopal hut-jiân kám-kak chin khì.
"Lí ná ē án-ne kóng?" i mn̄g.
"Siáⁿ-mi̍h?"
"Ta̍k-kái lí kóng lí ê leng làu-làu a̍h lí ê kha-chhng-táu siuⁿ tōa, góa chóng-sī kóng he m̄-sī án-ne. Góa chóng sī kō͘ hō͘ lí súi ê ba̍k-chiu teh khòaⁿ lí."
"In-ūi góa ài ê sī sū-si̍t," yi kóng, mā chin khì.
Gopal piàn kah chin tiām. Yi boeh ài ê láu-si̍t ká-ná teh hoán-pok i ê iōng-sim kap i it-chài ê chhau-chok. I kám ū chin-chiàⁿ ài tio̍h yi, i siūⁿ boeh chai, a̍h sī chit-ê ài chí-sī chi̍t-chióng phiah-bián ko͘-toaⁿ ê hong-sek? Tō kóng, i só͘ chò ê sī ū ì-sek ê, án-ne kám ū siáⁿ koan-hē?
Indo cheh-ji̍t lú lâi lú óa, i tùi ka-tī ê ài oa̍t-lú hoâi-gî, Gopal hoat-hiān i teh thoa-iân iau-chhiáⁿ Shaw Tt tâng-chê khì. Yi chai-iáⁿ tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì, m̄-koh bô piáu-sī yi ê siūⁿ-hoat. Gopal kā ka-tī kóng, tī hiah chē Indo lâng tiong-kan, yi ē bē chū-chāi, m̄-koh i chai, i bô mn̄g yi, sī in-ūi chhōa yi lâi ē hō͘ i kám-kak gāi-gio̍h. I khí kín-tiuⁿ ê bó͘ chi̍t-ê goân-in, sī iú-koan Shaw Tt ê êng-ōe ē thoân kàu in bó͘ hām chă-kiáⁿ hia. I mā hoân-ló hiah-ê kīn-lâi kap i siong-hó ê Indo lâng ē án-nóa siūⁿ. I í-chá bat tī Indo chū-hōe tú kòe ī-cho̍k thong-hun ê ang-bó͘, in siū-tio̍h ê tùi-thāi sī hit-chióng pó-liû hō͘ chiòng-gāi-chiá ê chha-pia̍t. Ká-sú Shaw Tt sio̍k-tī jīm-hô chió-sò͘ cho̍k-kûn -- pí-lūn kóng, tē-it tāi î-bîn -- án-ne tāi-chì hoān-sè ē khah kán-tan.
Cheh-ji̍t tī Edison Kip-kiù-tūi ê nâ-k-pe̍h kiàn-bu̍t nih kí-hêng. Chi̍t-ê gín-á bú-tō-thoân chhēng khan kim sòaⁿ, ngē-chiaⁿ ê âng-sek saⁿ-á-kûn piáu-ián, chă-gín-á tī konkurí tē-pán tiong-ng sóa-tāng, khòaⁿ tio̍h ná chhiūⁿ teh phiân. Koh ū chi̍t-ê chhēng àm âng-sek phôe-ê, pe̍h-sek se-chong ê thuh-thâu hí-kio̍k ián-oân piáu-ián. Pâi tī chi̍t-bīn piah-piⁿ ê khin-hêng áu-toh bô chāi, téng-bīn khǹg té móa si̍t-bu̍t ê tōa oe, pêⁿ-té oe, hām pôaⁿ-á. Gopal hām kúi-ā ê ùi AT&T thè-hiu ê cha-po͘-lâng khiā tī chi̍t-ê kak-lo̍h, lim kah sió-khóa bâng, put-sî kóng kóa i ùi "1001 Poland Chhiò-khoe" tha̍k tio̍h ê chhiò-ōe. I kā Poland lâng ōaⁿ-chò Sikh lâng, kî-thaⁿ ê tōa pō͘-hūn i bô kái. I tōa siaⁿ chhiò, chin tek-ì ka-tī ē-tàng chiah-nī kan-tan tō chiâⁿ-chò chèng-lâng chù-ì ê tiong-sim, m̄-koh chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h tī khai-sí ē-sái the̍h si̍t-bu̍t ê sî, sin-piⁿ chiah-ê lâng tō ē sòaⁿ-khui, khì in ê ka-têng hia, lâu i chi̍t-lâng ko͘-toaⁿ pâi-tūi. Thiaⁿ lâng kóng-khí bó͘-lâng ê hun-in liáu, i khai-sí siūⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt. Cha-po͘ lâng chi̍p chò-hóe, cha-bó͘ lâng sì-sòaⁿ teh khai-káng. In chiong ē tńg-chhù, chò-ài, bô kóng-ōe, Gopal án-ne siūⁿ. Hit-sî i kám-kak pi-ai koh kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Ūi tio̍h pó͘-siông i bô chhōa Shaw Tt lâi ê chōe-kò, i tùi chi̍t-ê n̂g chhùi-khí ê hô͘-chhiu cha-po͘ kóng, "Sikh lâng bô teh bái. In sī Indo siōng chhong-bêng ê lâng, bô lâng ē pí-tit Sikh lâng ê ióng-khì." Jiân-āu Gopal kám-kak bâng-bâng, chún-pī boeh lī-khui.
Tán Gopal kā chhia sái tńg kàu i ê chhia-tō ê sî, í-keng thiⁿ boeh àm ah. I ê thâu kám-kak chēng kah koài-koài, ta̍k-kái chiú-cheng khai-sí siau-khì ê sî chóng-sī án-ne, m̄-koh Gopal chai-iáⁿ i chùi kah ū khó-lêng chò gōng sū. I kā chhia thêng hó, kiâⁿ hiòng óng Shaw Tt yin tau ê lō͘. I hòⁿ-kî, yi kám ū tī chhù. Chhián-sek ê ut-kim-hiong se-se khui chi̍t-pâi tī yi ê mn̂g-kháu. Khòaⁿ tio̍h hoe, hō͘ i kám-kak ū hi-bāng.
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7. 伊參加計畫展覽會 ê 代誌
"我會當鬥相共." Gopal 講. In 決定, 兩工後, 拜三, 伊著來 Ri̍shi in 兜.
Gopal 拄欲掛電話, Rishi koh 講, "我有聽著恁兜 ê 代誌." Gopal 感覺 ná hông 掠著白賊. "我感覺遺憾," Rishi 講.
Gopal 恬一睏, 才講, "感謝." 伊毋知, 敢著激甲真悲傷. "這慢慢就會慣勢," 伊講, "毋過, 你 ká-ná ùi 佗攏會得繼續落去."
Gopal tī 彼个拜三去看 Rishi, 到禮拜日, 伊參加理事會, 計畫展覽會 ê 代誌. 伊講一尾近視 ê 蛇 kap 水管 ê 笑詼, mā 講一个 golf 教練和神 ê 笑詼. Tī 遐拄著 ê 一个人邀請伊去做伙食飯.
不而過, 伊 ê 思想猶是予 Shaw Tt 所支配. In 愈做愛, Gopal 愈沉醉 tī 伊喙中她 ê 奶頭 ê 質感和伊手中她 ê 尻川斗 ê 份量. 伊洗 shower /siau.à/ ê 時, 駛車 ê 時, 攪麥片 ê 時攏 teh 想這. 閣來彼個月, 有兩三改, tī 她食晝 ê 時來接她, koh 緊緊轉厝做愛. In 先做愛, koh 交談. Shaw Tt 捌 tī 一間焦洗店食頭路, Gopal 感覺這誠趣味. Tī Shaw Tt 進前, 規世人伊毋捌拄過 tī 焦洗行業上班 ê 人, 這誠無簡單, 因為 tī Indo, 焦洗有先進科技 ê 魅力. 做一个捌 tī 焦洗行業服務 ê 人 ê 愛人, Gopal 感覺怪怪. 這予伊感覺世界大甲歹理解, 若欲開時間控制家治 ê 小世界是無效率. Gopal 開始相信, 伊去愛著 Shaw Tt ah. 伊開始聽車 nih 放送老歌 ê 電台, án-ne 伊 tō 會當聽著她少年時聽 ê 歌.
Shaw Tt 會問起伊 ê 生活, Gopal 試盡量詳細 kā 講她想欲知 ê 一切. 一改, 伊 kā 講, in chă 囝高中畢業 ê 時, 伊開始 gōa-nī-á 驚她會 ùi 伊 ê 生活中溜走. 為著表示對她 ê 愛, 伊武斷不准她去趨雪, 講趨雪真危險. 伊原本希望她會理解這个龜怪 ê 移民, 毋過她干焦是受氣. 頭起先, 是伊 kā 話講重耽去, 伊 tō kā Shaw Tt 講起趨雪 ê 一般情形. 經過心內 ê 滾絞, 伊才 koh 講出伊和 Gitu ê 冤家. 拄開始, Shaw Tt 無講啥. 後來她講, "你過去捌 án-ne, 彼 mā 無要緊, 只要今你毋是彼款人 tō 好." 聽她 án-ne 講, Gopal 忽然感覺真氣.
"你那會 án-ne 講?" 伊問.
"啥物?"
"逐改你講你 ê 奶 làu-làu a̍h 你 ê 尻川斗 siuⁿ 大, 我總是講彼毋是 án-ne. 我總是 kō͘ 予你媠 ê 目睭 teh 看你."
"因為我愛 ê 是事實," 她講, mā 真氣.
Gopal 變甲真恬. 她欲愛 ê 老實 ká-ná teh 反駁伊 ê 用心 kap 伊一再 ê 操作. 伊敢有真正愛著她, 伊想欲知, a̍h 是這个愛只是一種避免孤單 ê 方式? Tō 講, 伊所做 ê 是有意識 ê, án-ne 敢有啥關係?
Indo 節日愈來愈倚, 伊對家治 ê 愛越愈懷疑, Gopal 發現伊 teh 拖延邀請 Shaw Tt 同齊去. 她知影展覽會 ê 代誌, 毋過無表示她 ê 想法. Gopal kā 家治講, tī hiah 濟 Indo 人中間, 她會袂自在, 毋過伊知, 伊無問她, 是因為 chhōa 她來會予伊感覺礙虐. 伊起緊張 ê 某一个原因, 是有關 Shaw Tt ê 閒話會傳到 in 某和 chă 囝遐. 伊 mā 煩惱 hiah-ê 近來 kap 伊相好 ê Indo 人會按怎想. 伊以早捌 tī Indo 聚會拄過異族通婚 ê 翁某, in 受著 ê 對待是彼種保留予障礙者 ê 差別. 假使 Shaw Tt 屬 tī 任何少數族群 -- 比論講, 第一代移民 -- án-ne 代誌凡勢會較簡單.
節日 tī Edison 急救隊 ê 藍 k 白建物 nih 舉行. 一个囡仔舞蹈團穿牽金線, 硬 chiaⁿ ê 紅色衫仔裙表演, chă 囡仔 tī konkurí 地板中央徙動, 看著若像 teh 蹁. Koh 有一个穿暗紅色皮鞋, 白色西裝 ê 禿頭喜劇演員表演. 排 tī 一面壁邊 ê 輕型拗桌無在, 頂面囥貯滿食物 ê 大鍋, 平底鍋, 和盤仔. Gopal 和幾若个 ùi AT&T 退休 ê 查埔人徛 tī 一个角落, 啉甲小可茫, 不時講寡伊 ùi "1001 Poland 笑詼" 讀著 ê 笑話. 伊 kā Poland 人換做 Sikh 人, 其他 ê 大部份伊無改. 伊大聲笑, 真得意家治會當 chiah-nī 簡單 tō 成做眾人注意 ê 中心, 毋過一下想著 tī 開始會使提食物 ê 時, 身邊 chiah-ê 人 tō 會散開, 去 in ê 家庭遐, 留伊一人孤單排隊. 聽人講起某人 ê 婚姻了, 伊開始想著 Shaw Tt. 查埔人集做伙, 查某人四散 teh 開講. In 將會轉厝, 做愛, 無講話, Gopal án-ne 想. 彼時伊感覺悲哀 koh 驚惶. 為著補償伊無 chhōa Shaw Tt 來 ê 罪過, 伊對一个黃喙齒 ê 鬍鬚查埔講, "Sikh 人無 teh 䆀. In 是 Indo 上聰明 ê 人, 無人會比得 Sikh 人 ê 勇氣." 然後 Gopal 感覺茫茫, 準備欲離開.
等 Gopal kā 車駛轉到伊 ê 車道 ê 時, 已經天欲暗 ah. 伊 ê 頭感覺靜甲怪怪, 逐改酒精開始消去 ê 時總是 án-ne, 毋過 Gopal 知影伊醉甲有可能做戇事. 伊 kā 車停好, 行向往 Shaw Tt 姻兜 ê 路. 伊好奇, 她敢有 tī 厝. 淺色 ê 鬱金香疏疏開一排 tī 她 ê 門口. 看著花, 予伊感覺有希望.
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7.
"I can help," Gopal said. They decided that he should come to Rishi's house on Wednesday, two days later.
Gopal was about to hang up when Rishi added, "I heard about your family." Gopal felt as if he had been caught in a lie. "I am sorry," Rishi said.
Gopal was quiet for a moment and then said, "Thank you." He did not know whether he should pretend to be sad. "It takes some getting used to," he said, "but you can go on from nearly anything."
Gopal went to see Rishi that Wednesday, and on Sunday he attended a board meeting to plan for the fair. He told jokes about a nearsighted snake and a water hose, and about a golf instructor and God. One of the men he met there invited him to dinner.
Mrs. Shaw, however, continued to dominate his thoughts. The more they made love, the more absorbed Gopal became in the texture of her nipples in his mouth and the heft of her hips in his hands. He thought of this in the shower, while driving, while stirring his cereal. Two or three times over the next month Gopal picked her up during her lunch hour and they hurried home to make love. They would make love and then talk. Mrs. Shaw had once worked at a dry cleaner, and Gopal found this fascinating. He had met only one person in his life before Mrs. Shaw who had worked in a dry-cleaning business, and that was different, because it was in India, where dry cleaning still had the glamour of advancing technology. Being the lover of someone who had worked in a dry-cleaning business made Gopal feel strange. It made him think that the world was huge beyond comprehension, and to spend his time trying to control his own small world was inefficient. Gopal began thinking that he loved Mrs. Shaw. He started listening to the golden-oldies station in the car, so that he could hear what she had heard in her youth.
Mrs. Shaw would ask about his life, and Gopal tried to tell her everything she wanted to know in as much detail as possible. Once, he told her of how he had begun worrying when his daughter was finishing high school that she was going to slip from his life. To show that he loved her, he had arbitrarily forbidden her to ski, claiming that skiing was dangerous. He had hoped that she would find this quaintly immigrant, but she was just angry. At first the words twisted in his mouth, and he spoke to Mrs. Shaw about skiing in general. Only with an effort could he tell her about his fight with Gitu. Mrs. Shaw did not say anything at first. Then she said, "It's all right if you were that way once, as long as you aren't that way now." Listening to her, Gopal suddenly felt angry.
"Why do you talk like this?" he asked.
"What?"
"When you talk about how your breasts fall or how your behind is too wide, I always say that's not true. I always see you with eyes that make you beautiful."
"Because I want the truth," she said, also angry.
Gopal became quiet. Her desire for honesty appeared to refute all his delicate and constant manipulations. Was he actually in love with her, he wondered, or was this love just a way to avoid loneliness? And did it matter that so much of what he did was conscious?
He questioned his love more and more as the day of the Indian festival approached and Gopal realized that he was delaying asking Mrs. Shaw to come with him. She knew about the fair but had not mentioned her feelings. Gopal told himself that she would feel uncomfortable among so many Indians, but he knew that he hadn't asked her because bringing her would make him feel awkward. For some reason he was nervous that word of Mrs. Shaw might get to his wife and daughter. He was also anxious about what the Indians with whom he had recently become friendly would think. He had met mixed couples at Indian parties before, and they were always treated with the deference usually reserved for cripples. If Mrs. Shaw had been of any sort of marginalized ethnic group -- a first-generation immigrant, for instance -- then things might have been easier.
The festival was held in the Edison First Aid Squad's square blue-and-white building. A children's dance troupe performed in red dresses so stiff with gold thread that the girls appeared to hobble as they moved about the center of the concrete floor. A balding comedian in oxblood shoes and a white suit performed. Light folding tables along one wall were precariously laden with large pots, pans, and trays of food. Gopal stood in a corner with several men who had retired from AT&T and, slightly drunk, improvised on jokes he had read in 1,001 Polish Jokes. The Poles became Sikhs, but he kept most of the rest. He was laughing and feeling proud that he could so easily become the center of attention, but he felt lonely at the thought that when the food was served, the men at his side would drift away to join their families and he would stand alone in line. After listening to talk of someone's marriage, he began thinking about Mrs. Shaw. The men were clustered together, and the women conversed separately. They will go home and make love and not talk, Gopal thought. Then he felt sad and frightened. To make amends for his guilt at not bringing Mrs. Shaw along, he told a bearded man with yellow teeth, "These Sikhs aren't so bad. They are the smartest ones in India, and no one can match a Sikh for courage." Then Gopal felt dazed and ready to leave.
WHEN Gopal pulled into his driveway, it was late afternoon. His head felt oddly still, as it always did when alcohol started wearing off, but Gopal knew that he was drunk enough to do something foolish. He parked and walked down the road to Mrs. Shaw's. He wondered if she would be in. Pale tulips bloomed in a thin, uneven row in front of her house. The sight of them made him hopeful.
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