7. Jen kā góa chim
Bú-hōe liáu keh-kang, Andrea hām Tracy lâi chhōe góa. Góa siūⁿ, lâi kàu hái soa-po͘ chìn-chêng, yin ū seng khì goán pâng-keng kap iōng-chhan khu hām chiú-pa chhōe góa. Chia̍h-tàu pá, góa tńg goán pâng-keng boeh khùn-tàu, lâu yin tī hia kap chi̍t-ê ho̍k-bū-oân kún-chhiò; sui-bóng góa hoâi-gî i sī kóng chin ê, m̄-koh ho̍k-bū-oân kún-chhiò kóng, i teh boeh chhōe chi̍t-ê Bí-kok cha-bó͘ lâi chò bó͘. Āu-lâi góa chiah chai-iáⁿ, yin boeh chai góa kám boeh hām yin khì chham-ka chi̍t-ê iû Bob Marley bô͘-hóng-chiá só͘ kí-pān ê reggae /re-géi/ im-ga̍k-hōe. Jen hām góa chē tī soa-po͘, yi it-ti̍t teh kóng yi ê lūn-bûn -- yi sio liân-sòa it-ti̍t kóng, hit-ê hong-sek sī boeh lâu hō͘ góa chhim ê ìn-siōng. Goán sio tùi-khòaⁿ, yi tng-teh kóng iú-koan chū-sat kap lú si-jîn ê tāi-chì, tùi yi lâi kóng, hit-khoán cha-bó͘ sī tī yin seng-oa̍h sî-tāi ê hi-seng-phín; kāng hit-sî, góa teh kám-kak hòⁿ-kî, sī án-nóa tui-kiû góa ê "ī-lú" kan-ta sī pe̍h-lâng tì-sek hūn-chú lūi-hêng, its hiah-ê khai siuⁿ-chē sî-kan tī ka-tī thâu-khak ê hit-khoán lâng. Góa hām chit-chióng cha-bó͘ ê ūn-khì bô hó -- yin lóng siuⁿ bín-kám, siuⁿ chū-ngó͘, sui-bóng yin ū sè-sio̍k jîn-bûn chú-gī ê chū-iû su-sióng. Kau-tâm thêng-khùn, goán lóng teh khòaⁿ hái ê sî, góa oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ yi, ná teh siūⁿ boeh mn̄g yi siáⁿ, thang hō͘ kau-tâm kè-sio̍k lo̍h-khì, m̄-koh tī góa khui-chhùi chìn-chêng, Jen kā góa chim. Kan-ta kúi bió-cheng, góa tō tháⁿ khui, góa ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ ah-kòe góa ê io̍k-bōng, it-ti̍t kàu góa siūⁿ-khí, góa sī tī chi̍t-ê tō͘-kà-chhun. Góa bat thiaⁿ kóng tī Jamaica ū-lâng bô-tāi bô-chì hông thâi -- sīm-chì in-ūi hoâi-gî in ê sèng kheng-hiòng tō piau-chì in ē tú tio̍h po̍k-le̍k. Góa khòaⁿ góa āu-piah, khòaⁿ tio̍h Andrea hām Tracy kiâⁿ lī-khui goán. Góa chai, yin ū khòaⁿ tio̍h goán. Bē-hù su-khó án-nóa hoán-èng, góa tō thiàu khí-lâi jiok hiòng yin.
"Goán bô boeh táⁿ-jiáu," Tracy kóng. Yi chhiò-chhiò, m̄-koh góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, yi chin bô chū-chāi. Yi sī goán tiong-kan siōng sè-kò͘ ê lâng -- yi chin chia̍p lí-hêng, yi ū gōa-kok ài-jîn -- m̄-koh yi soah bô hoat-tō͘ chhú-lí chit-ê būn-tê. Andrea khòaⁿ tio̍h ká-ná yi tng-teh chīn-liōng kek chi̍t-ê hó-khòaⁿ-bīn. Yi sī yin nn̄g-lâng tiong-kan khah un-jiû ê hit-ê, hoán-èng chhut yi sêng-tióng tī Barbado ê giâm-keh, tiong-siōng kai-kip ê pōe-kéng. Tán góa kā yin thán-pe̍h ê sî, góa ê siaⁿ-tiāu sī kìm-siaⁿ mài khàu ê hit-chióng siaⁿ-kám. Andrea bat kā góa kóng, "Góa siūⁿ, kóng chhut chit-chióng tāi-chì su-iàu khùi-la̍t." Tracy bat kéng-kò góa m̄-thang kā goán lāu-bú kóng.
M̄-koh, yin kòe-khì m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe góa hām cha-bó͘ ū sin-thé-siōng ê chhin-bi̍t. Chit-ê chêng-hêng, taⁿ yin nn̄g-lâng khiā chò-hóe, kî-tiong chi̍t-ê tō ē-tàng tāi-piáu nn̄g-lâng kóng-ōe, lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê sū-si̍t sī, yin bô phah-sǹg boeh kái-koat yin khòaⁿ tio̍h ê tāi-chì, chiah-ê lóng hō͘ góa kám-kak, chit sî-chūn góa ûi-it ê soán-te̍k tō sī kiâⁿ khui. Só͘-í góa tńg khì Jen hia, jiân-āu goán tī chiú-pa tú tio̍h yin pêng-iú, hit-sî góa í-keng bô tāi-chì ah, góa í-keng bô teh siūⁿ Andrea kap Tracy, bô teh siūⁿ khí góa ê sèng kheng-hiòng ná ē chiâⁿ-chò goán iú-chêng ê chó͘-gāi, mā bô siūⁿ yin khòaⁿ góa hām pa̍t-ê cha-bó͘ teh sio-chim, yin sī án-nóa siūⁿ, in-ūi góa í-keng bô teh iàu-ì ah. Ông-lâi chiap ê kháu-bī chin tāng, in-ūi góa teh khí-giàn, koh siūⁿ tio̍h tán khì yi hām pêng-iú kong-ke tòa ê pâng-keng ê sî, Jen ē hām góa sio-kàn, góa soah kui-ê sim poe-poe. Goán ū chò, kòe-khì góa m̄-bat ū kòe chit-khoán ê seks -- he bē-su sī in-ūi put-lûn, soah oa̍t-lú jia̍t-lia̍t. Hoān-sè goán nn̄g-lâng lóng kám-kak goán ū kóa mi̍h-kiāⁿ boeh chèng-bêng. Góa mā kan-ta ē-tàng án-ne kái-soeh.
Tán góa tńg kàu góa ê pâng-keng, Andrea hām Tracy í-keng khùn ah. Hit-sî pòaⁿ-mê 2 tiám, m̄-koh góa iáu chin chheng-chhéⁿ. Góa khòaⁿ thang-á gōa, kú-kú it-ti̍t khòaⁿ, thiaⁿ hái-éng chim hái-hōaⁿ, bē-su teh kā góa kóng i ê pì-bi̍t. Góa khin-siaⁿ liām chhut chi̍t-siú si, sī iú-koan cha-bó͘ ài cha-bó͘, sī tòa tī hái-té ê bí-jîn-hî. Góa siuⁿ thiám, bô hoat-tō͘ kā hiah-ê jī siá lo̍h-lâi, kàu thiⁿ-kng, góa kan-ta ē-kì-tit hit-sî ín-khí ê tô͘-siōng -- soan-ô͘-sek thâu-chang, húi-chhùi-sek kap n̂g-gio̍k-sek bóe-liu ê cha-bó͘, hit-chióng thǹg-pak-theh, pòaⁿ lâng pòaⁿ tōng-bu̍t ê seng-bu̍t. Teh lâm-e̍k ê sî, góa siūⁿ khí, hit-kang khah òaⁿ ê sî góa tio̍h chhēng pe̍h-sek ê -- ta̍k-ê lóng tio̍h án-ne chhēng. Che sī hun-lé ê sî lâng-lâng án-ne chò ê chi̍t-hāng sin sî-kiâⁿ. Góa chiâⁿ hoân, tio̍h chhut-khì chhōe chi̍t-su pe̍h iûⁿ-chong, kòe-khì góa m̄-bat án-ne chhēng, m̄-koh tī hit-sî khòaⁿ khí-lâi, góa khó-lêng tio̍h chham-ka 100 tiûⁿ pe̍h-sek hun-lé. In-ūi góa ū kap ka-tī kóng-ōe ê si̍p-koàn, nā ū pêng-iú hèng boeh thiaⁿ góa ê àm-mê, góa tō tōa-siaⁿ kóng chhut góa ē kóng ê ōe. Góa kóng, "Góa tú-tú tī Jamaica kàn chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘," jiân-āu góa chhit-ta, ná teh bî-chhiò, siūⁿ-khí phôe-hu bôa phôe-hu ê tāi-chì, lo̍h-bóe bâng-bâng khùn khì.
[Soah]
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7. Jen kā 我唚
舞會了隔工, Andrea 和 Tracy 來揣我. 我想, 來到海沙埔進前, 姻有先去阮房間 kap 用餐區和酒吧揣我. 食晝飽, 我轉阮房間欲睏晝, 留姻 tī hia kap 一个服務員滾笑; 雖罔我懷疑伊是講真 ê, 毋過服務員滾笑講, 伊 teh 欲揣一个美國查某來做某. 後來我才知影, 姻欲知我敢欲和姻去參加一个由 Bob Marley 模仿者所舉辦 ê reggae /re-géi/ 音樂會. Jen 和我坐 tī 沙埔, 她一直 teh 講她 ê 論文 -- 她相連紲一直講, 彼个方式是欲留予我深 ê 印象. 阮相對看, 她 tng-teh 講有關自殺 kap 女詩人 ê 代誌, 對她來講, 彼款查某是 tī 姻生活時代 ê 犧牲品; 仝彼時, 我 teh 感覺好奇, 是按怎追求我 ê "異女" 干焦是白人智識份子類型, its hiah-ê 開 siuⁿ 濟時間 tī 家治頭殼 ê 彼款人. 我和這種查某 ê 運氣無好 -- 姻攏 siuⁿ 敏感, siuⁿ 自我, 雖罔姻有世俗人文主義 ê 自由思想. 交談停睏, 阮攏 teh 看海 ê 時, 我越頭看她, ná teh 想欲問她啥, 通予交談繼續落去, 毋過 tī 我開喙進前, Jen kā 我唚. 干焦幾秒鐘, 我 tō 挺開, 我 ê 驚惶壓過我 ê 慾望, 一直到我想起, 我是 tī 一个度假村. 我捌聽過 tī Jamaica 有人無代無誌 hông 刣 -- 甚至因為懷疑 in ê 性傾向 tō 標誌 in 會拄著暴力. 我看我後壁, 看著 Andrea 和 Tracy 行離開阮. 我知, 姻有看著阮. 袂赴思考按怎反應, 我 tō 跳起來逐向姻.
"阮無欲打擾," Tracy 講. 她笑笑, 毋過我看會出, 她真無自在. 她是阮中間上世故 ê 人 -- 她真捷旅行, 她有外國愛人 -- 毋過她煞無法度處理這个問題. Andrea 看著 ká-ná 她 tng-teh 盡量激一个好看面. 她是姻兩人中間較溫柔 ê 彼个, 反映出她生長 tī Barbado ê 嚴格, 中上階級 ê 背景. 等我 kā 姻坦白 ê 時, 我 ê 聲調是禁聲莫哭 ê 彼種聲感. Andrea 捌 kā 我講, "我想, 講出這種代誌需要氣力." Tracy 捌警告我毋通 kā 阮老母講.
毋過, 姻過去毋捌看過我和查某有身體上 ê 親密. 這个情形, 今姻兩人徛做伙, 其中一个 tō 會當代表兩人講話, 另外一个事實是, 姻無拍算欲解決姻看著 ê 代誌, chiah-ê 攏予我感覺, 這時陣我唯一 ê 選擇就是行開. 所以我轉去 Jen hia, 然後阮 tī 酒吧拄著姻朋友, 彼時我已經無代誌 ah, 我已經無 teh 想 Andrea kap Tracy, 無 teh 想起我 ê 性傾向那會成做阮友情 ê 阻礙, mā 無想姻看我和別个查某 teh 相唚, 姻是按怎想, 因為我已經無 teh 要意 ah. 王梨汁 ê 口味真重, 因為我 teh 起癮, koh 想著等去她和朋友公家蹛 ê 房間 ê 時, Jen 會和我 sio-kàn, 我煞規个心飛飛. 阮有做, 過去我毋捌有過這款 ê seks -- 彼袂輸是因為不倫, 煞越愈熱烈. 凡勢阮兩人攏感覺阮有寡物件欲證明. 我 mā 干焦會當 án-ne 解說.
等我轉到我 ê 房間, Andrea 和 Tracy 已經睏 ah. 彼時半暝 2 點, 毋過我猶真清醒. 我看窗仔外, 久久一直看, 聽海湧唚海岸, 袂輸 teh kā 我講伊 ê 祕密. 我輕聲念出一首詩, 是有關查某愛查某, 是蹛 tī 海底 ê 美人魚. 我 siuⁿ 忝, 無法度 kā hiah-ê 字寫落來, 到天光, 我干焦會記得彼時引起 ê 圖像 -- 珊瑚色頭鬃, 翡翠色 kap 黃玉色尾溜 ê 查某, 彼種褪腹裼, 半人半動物 ê 生物. Teh 淋浴 ê 時, 我想起, 彼工較晏 ê 時我著穿白色 ê -- 逐个攏著 án-ne 穿. 這是婚禮 ê 時人人 án-ne 做 ê 一項新時行. 我誠煩, 著出去揣一軀白洋裝, 過去我毋捌 án-ne 穿, 毋過 tī 彼時看起來, 我可能著參加 100 場白色婚禮. 因為我有 kap 家治講話 ê 習慣, 若有朋友興欲聽我 ê 暗暝, 我 tō 大聲講出我會講 ê 話. 我講, "我拄拄 tī Jamaica kàn 一个查某," 然後我拭焦, ná teh 微笑, 想起皮膚磨皮膚 ê 代誌, 落尾茫茫睏去.
[煞]
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7.
The day after the dance party, Andrea and Tracy came looking for me. I imagine that they’d tried our room as well as the dining areas and bars before they came to the beach. After lunch, I’d gone back to our room to take a nap, leaving them to flirt with one of the waiters, who joked, though I suspected that he was serious, that he was looking for an American woman to marry. Later, I would learn that they’d wanted to know if I was coming with them to a reggae concert put on by a Bob Marley impersonator. Jen and I were sitting on the beach, and she had been talking about her dissertation — she was going on in a way that made me realize that she wanted to impress me. We were holding each other’s gaze, and she was talking about suicide and women poets, women who to her had been casualties of the time during which they lived, and meanwhile I was wondering why it seemed that the only “queer” women who pursued me were white intellectual types, ones who spent too much time in their own heads. I’d had bad luck with this kind of woman — overly sensitive, entitled despite their secular humanist liberal thinking. When the conversation lapsed and we were looking toward the sea, I turned back toward her, thinking of a question I could ask that would keep the conversation going, but before I could speak, Jen kissed me. It was only a few seconds before I pulled away, my fear overwhelming my desire until I remembered that I was at a resort. I’d heard of people killed in Jamaica for less — even the suspicion of their sexuality marking them for a violent visitation. I looked behind me to see Andrea and Tracy walking away from us. I knew that they’d seen us. Before I could think what to do, I jumped up and caught up to them.
“We didn’t want to interrupt,” Tracy said. She was smiling, but I could tell that she was uncomfortable. She was the worldliest of us — she’d traveled, she’d had foreign lovers — and yet she couldn’t handle this. Andrea looked as though she was making a conscious effort to fix her face in a pleasing way. She was the softer of the two, reflecting a strict, uppermiddle-class upbringing in Barbados. When I’d come out to them, my voice had become the texture it changes to when I’m holding back from crying. Andrea had told me, “I think it takes strength to be vocal about something like that.” Tracy had warned me against telling my mother.
They’d never seen me physically affectionate with a woman before, though. Something about how they were standing together now, how one of them could speak for the both of them, and there was as well the fact that they weren’t going to address the thing they’d seen, made me feel that in that moment the only option I had was to walk away. So I went back to Jen, and afterwards we met her friends in the bar, and by then I was okay, I wasn’t thinking about Andrea and Tracy and why my sexuality was an elephant in the room of our friendship or what they had thought when they saw me kissing another woman, because I didn’t care. The piña coladas were strong, and I was distracted by my horniness and the knowledge that Jen and I would fuck when we got to the room she shared with her friends. We did, and I’d never had sex like that before — it was as though it being transgressive made it hotter. Maybe we both felt as though we had something to prove. That’s the only way I can explain it.
When I got back to my room, Andrea and Tracy were sleeping. It was 2 a.m. and I still felt very much awake. I looked out the window for what seemed a long time, listening to the sea kiss the shore as though it could tell me its secrets. I whispered a poem about women who loved women, mermaids, who lived at the bottom of the sea. I was too tired to write down the words, and in the morning I could only remember the images evoked — women with hair the colors of coral, with tails of emerald and topaz, those bare-breasted creatures that were both human and animal. In the shower, I remembered that later that day I would have to wear white — we all would. It was one of those trendy new things people were doing at weddings. I’d been annoyed having to go out and look for a white dress, a color I never wore, but right then it seemed that I could sit through a hundred white weddings. Because I have a habit of talking to myself, I said out loud what I would have said if I had friends interested, eager to hear about my night. I said, “I just fucked a woman in Jamaica,” and then I dried off and, still smiling from the memory of skin on skin, eventually drifted off to sleep.
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//
Text copyright © 2018 by Alexia Arthurs. From How to Love a Jamaican by Alexia Arthurs (Ballantine Books, July 2018)
Alexia Arthurs was born and raised in Jamaica and moved with her family to Brooklyn when she was twelve. A graduate of Hunter College and the Iowa Writers’ Workshop, she has been published in Granta, The Sewanee Review, Small Axe, Virginia Quarterly Review, Vice, and The Paris Review, which awarded her the Plimpton Prize in 2017.
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