5. Hām Kioni kèng-jiân ē ûi-chhî hit-tōaⁿ sî-kan
Yi kiám-cha piān-só͘-keng, khak-tēng kan-ta yi tī hia, chiah oan-io chhim-chhim chhoán-khùi. In-ūi chit-ê goân-in, yi chin chió hoa̍t-lo̍h lān-bîn, chin-chiàⁿ ê lān-bîn. In só͘ cho-siū ê thòng-khó͘ ê ho̍k-cha̍p thêng-tō͘, chóng-sī hō͘ yi sit-khì bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Ûi-it chi̍t-kái hō͘ yi ū chit-chióng kiông-lia̍t kám-kak ê sī, lāu-bú kòe-sin liáu-āu, lāu-pē siong-sim put-chí, kiông-boeh kàu húi-bia̍t ê pian-iân. Nneoma ná ū khó-lêng kā i kóng, yi sīm-chì bô hoat-tō͘ khòaⁿ i koh bē ka-tī sim-chhùi? Che i éng-oán bē bêng-pe̍k. Hit-kang, yi chhì boeh hoa̍t-lo̍h i, boeh chia̍h tiāu i ê pi-siong, yi chiah bêng-pe̍k, sī án-nóa hoa̍t-lo̍h chhin-kīn chhù-lāi lâng sī siū-tio̍h kìm-chí. In ê pi-siong tō-sī lí ka-tī ê, só͘-í lí éng-oán bô hoat-tō͘ chheng-chhut lí ê thâu-náu ū-kàu sî-kan lâi chò kè-sǹg. Hit-kái chhì-giām ê kiat-kio̍k sī siang-lâng lóng thî-khàu, lám chò-hóe lâi an-ùi, iū tam-sim, it-ti̍t kàu yin lāu-pē ūi tio̍h án-ne bô-hāu, ūi tio̍h yi ê châi-chêng tī chit sî-chūn bô lō͘-iōng lâi hoat sèng-tē, koh kóng chi̍t-kóa i siu bē tò-tńg ê ōe.
Hòa-chong-sek ê mn̂g koăiⁿ chi̍t-siaⁿ khui--khui. Nneoma chai he sī siáng. Hit-ê ko͘-niû jím put-chū lâi chhōe yi. Yin hō͘-siong tùi-khòaⁿ chi̍t-khùn, ko͘-niû bô khak-tēng, it-ti̍t kàu Nneoma chhun chhut siang-chhiú, ko͘-niû kiâⁿ hiòng yi ê heng-chêng. Nneoma khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ba̍k-chiu tiong ê pi-siong, khai-sí iân chi̍t-tiâu te̍k-sòaⁿ ōe chhut hit-ê pi-siong ê kiat-kó. Tī bó͘ chi̍t-tiám, ko͘-niû ê lāu-bú hō͘ chhèng-hóe tōaⁿ kah chhùi kô͘-kô͘. Yi ê hiaⁿ-ko tī àm-sî hō͘ chi̍t-tīn ok-tô͘ lia̍h-cháu. Yin lāu-pē hō͘ ha̍p-sêng pēⁿ-to̍k phah-tó, só͘-ū ê o͘-sek-sò͘ siū kong-kek, it-ti̍t kàu kui-sin lóng khí nōa. Iáu ū kî-thaⁿ khah sè ê siong-hāi, iau kah chia̍h kui-me ê thô͘. It-ti̍t tio̍h tô-pī hiah-ê chū yin lāu-pē sí-liáu tō hoán-pōe yi ê lâng. Thau-thau-á liu-ji̍p kòe-khì yi tòa ê hū-kīn, hoat-hiān sin khí ê chhù, tòa ê sī khah hó-ūn thiat-thòe lâi hia ê Franse lâng, in bô hông hòng-khì koh im-sí, in ê gín-á kā yi tìm chio̍h-thâu, ná káu án-ne kā yi kóaⁿ cháu. Nneoma khòaⁿ múi chi̍t-ê kòe-khì ê khó͘-lān, biô sòaⁿ-tiâu ê piⁿ, kó͘-sǹg chit-liōng. Jiân-āu yi kā lia̍h tio̍h.
Bô-lâng ē-tàng chin-chiàⁿ kái-soeh hit-sî hoat-seng siáⁿ tāi-chì, sī án-nóa chi̍t-ê lâng ē-tàng the̍h cháu pa̍t-lâng ê pi-siong. Sò͘-ha̍k lí-lūn chē-chē lóng kin-kì lâng sī chóaⁿ-iūⁿ, siōng kán-tan lâi kóng, sī chi̍t-thoân kap chò-hóe ê chiàⁿ kap hū ê goân-chú, ū ka-tī ê hong-thêng-sek, sī chi̍t-chióng sè-pau sò͘-ha̍k. Sîn-ha̍k ka khó-lêng kā che kiò-chò kî-chek, sī ùi Sîn ê chhùi lâi ê un-tián ê kiss. Tiat-ha̍k-ka khó-lêng ē kóng, che si̍t-chè siōng tō sī pēⁿ-lâng hòng-khì in ê pi-siong. M̄-koh, tī hit-ê pâng-keng nih, che put-kò sī piáu-sī, chit-ê ko͘-niû ū lân-tit jím-siū ê hū-tam, āu-lâi, yi bô koh ū ah lah.
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Sái tńg chhù kui-lō͘ tiām-tiām. Amadi kám-kak chhut yi ê put-an koh hoán-tùi i sûi-ì se̍h-lō͘ keng-kòe thong-óng yin lāu-pē chhù ê lō͘-kháu, sui-bóng kòe-khì ta̍k-pái in lâi-kàu siâⁿ-tìn ê chit-pêng i chóng ē án-ne chò. Kàu chhù ê sî, Nneoma ti̍t-chiap chiūⁿ-chhn̂g, ho̍k-iōng nn̄g-lia̍p io̍h-á, ē-tàng hō͘ yi khùn 12 tiám-cheng. Án-ne liáu-āu, yi tō ē-tàng chīn-liōng hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông. Tùi hit-ê ko͘-niû ê kì-tî bô koh hiah-nī chhiⁿ-chhioh, piàn-chò ná-chhiūⁿ yi bat ùi chheh nih tha̍k tio̍h ê chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū. Hit-ê ko͘-niû ê kám-kak mā-sī sio-kāng. Tán Nneoma khùn khì, he chin chhim, chin àm, bô bîn-bāng, bô kng-sòaⁿ.
Keh-kang chá-khí, yi khui tiān-sī, khòaⁿ tio̍h hām chêng-kang tōa pō͘-hūn kāng-khoán ê pò-tō, chí-sī taⁿ hit-ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê lâng in kóa-hū í-keng ka-ji̍p chiàn-tiûⁿ, iau-kiû tùi Tiong-sim ê kì-lo̍k hām Furcal ê Kong-sek chò choân-bīn ê sím-cha. Nneoma kō͘ phīⁿ hńg chi̍t-siaⁿ. Chit-chióng tāi-chì chin tio̍h, ē tit-tio̍h kong-chiòng ê chi-chhî, m̄-koh, sū-si̍t sī án-ne, chai-iáⁿ án-nóa sím-cha ê choan-ka lóng teh chia̍h Tiong-sim ê thâu-lō͘, tio̍h kúi-ā cha̍p nî in chiah ē sím-cha hó-sè. Khah ū khó-lêng ê sī, che put-kò sī ài chîⁿ ê chhek-lio̍k, hit-ê cha-bó͘ mā ē tit-tio̍h yi só͘ ài ê. Furcal ka-cho̍k mā hū-tam ē-khí.
Nneoma kā ka-tī kóng, siōng-bô tio̍h koh tán chi̍t tiám-cheng, yi chiah boeh cha-khòaⁿ yi ê sìn-sit, tō chún-pī boeh chò ji̍t-siông ê cháu-pio. Sió gán chi̍t-ē, mā hián-sī hoán-chèng bô siáⁿ teh tán. Yi su-ji̍p mn̂g ê bi̍t-bé kā só tio̍h, sió chhun-kiu chi̍t-ē, tō chhut-hoat ah.
Chit-kái cháu-pio kā cha-hng ê kúi-hûn só͘ chhun ê hûn-jiah lóng chheng liáu. Yi kin-á-ji̍t boeh khà tiān-ōe hō͘ Claudine, mn̄g khòaⁿ hit-ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê tāi-chì ū gōa giâm-tiōng. Kong-koan ê tāi-piáu tī hoat-lu̍t-siōng ē-tàng kóng ê iú-hān, m̄-koh nā chia̍h àm-tǹg koh lim kúi-poe, ū khó-lêng hō͘ yi ê chi̍h piàn khah lēng. Kàu chhù chêng ê chòe-āu hit mai, Nneoma kā kha-pō͘ khiú tn̂g, koh chù-ì tio̍h pàng khin-sang. Téng-pái yi piàⁿ kah khí chông, siong tio̍h chi̍t-tiâu kin-bah, phài lâi ūi yi siau-tî thiàⁿ-thàng ê sī chi̍t-ê bô piáu-chêng ê cha-po͘, m̄-chai chhn̂g-piⁿ lé-māu sī siáⁿ óaⁿ-ko. Yi kám-kak ē chhut, i kā hoa̍t-lo̍h ê sî ê bô chàn-tông. I tiāⁿ-tio̍h siūⁿ-kóng i ê châi-chêng lōng-hùi tī yi ê phok-sóng tē-khu, tio̍h jím-siū chit-lō lûn-pan, it-ti̍t kàu ē-tàng tò-tńg in iâⁿ-khu. Nneoma thó-ià chhiūⁿ i hit-khoán ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka, in mā thó-ià chhin-chhiūⁿ yi chit-khoán ê lâng. Sîn-kî ê sī, yi hām Kioni kèng-jiân ē-tàng ûi-chhî hit-tōaⁿ sî-kan.
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5. 和 Kioni 竟然會維持彼段時間
她檢查便所間, 確定干焦她 tī 遐, 才彎腰深深喘氣. 因為這个原因, 她真少發落難民, 真正 ê 難民. In 所遭受 ê 痛苦 ê 複雜程度, 總是予她失去某種物件. 唯一一改予她有這種強烈感覺 ê 是, 老母過身了後, 老爸傷心不止, 強欲到毀滅 ê 邊緣. Nneoma 那有可能 kā 伊講, 她甚至無法度看伊 koh 袂家己心碎? 這伊永遠袂明白. 彼工, 她試欲發落伊, 欲食掉伊 ê 悲傷, 她才明白, 是按怎發落親近厝內人是受著禁止. In ê 悲傷就是你家己 ê, 所以你永遠無法度清出你 ê 頭腦有夠時間來做計算. 彼改試驗 ê 結局是雙人攏啼哭, 攬做伙來安慰, 又擔心, 一直到姻老爸為著 án-ne 無效, 為著她 ê 才情 tī 這時陣無路用來發性地, koh 講一寡伊收袂倒轉 ê 話.
化妝室 ê 門 koăiⁿ 一聲開--開. Nneoma 知彼是 siáng. 彼个姑娘忍不住來揣她. 姻互相對看一睏, 姑娘無確定, 一直到 Nneoma 伸出雙手, 姑娘行向她 ê 胸前. Nneoma 看著她目睭中 ê 悲傷, 開始沿一條軸線畫出彼个悲傷 ê 結果. Tī 某一點, 姑娘 ê 老母予銃火彈甲碎糊糊. 她 ê 兄哥 tī 暗時予一陣惡徒掠走. 姻老爸予合成病毒拍倒, 所有 ê 烏色素受攻擊, 一直到規身攏起爛. 猶有其他較細 ê 傷害, 枵甲食規 me ê 塗. 一直著逃避 hiah-ê 自姻老爸死了就反背她 ê 人. 偷偷仔溜入過去她蹛 ê 附近, 發現新起 ê 厝, 蹛 ê 是較好運撤退來遐 ê Franse 人, in 無 hông 放棄 koh 淹死, in ê 囡仔 kā 她 tìm 石頭, ná 狗 án-ne kā 她趕走. Nneoma 看每一个過去 ê 苦難, 描線條 ê 邊, 估算質量. 然後她 kā 掠著.
無人會當真正解說彼時發生啥代誌, 是按怎一个人會當提走別人 ê 悲傷. 數學理論濟濟攏根據人是怎樣, 上簡單來講, 是一團敆做伙 ê 正 kap 負 ê 原子, 有家己 ê 方程式, 是一種細胞數學. 神學家可能 kā 這叫做奇蹟, 是 ùi 神 ê 喙來 ê 恩典 ê kiss. 哲學家可能會講, 這實際上就是病人放棄 in ê 悲傷. 毋過, tī 彼个房間 nih, 這不過是表示, 這个姑娘有難得忍受 ê 負擔, 後來, 她無閣有 ah lah.
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駛轉厝規路恬恬. Amadi 感覺出她 ê 不安 koh 反對伊隨意踅路經過通往姻老爸厝 ê 路口, 雖罔過去逐擺 in 來到城鎮 ê 這爿伊總會 án-ne 做. 到厝 ê 時, Nneoma 直接上床, 服用兩粒藥仔, 會當予她睏 12 點鐘. Án-ne 了後, 她就會當盡量回復正常. 對彼个姑娘 ê 記持無 koh hiah-nī 鮮沢, 變做若像她捌 ùi 冊 nih 讀著 ê 一个故事. 彼个姑娘 ê 感覺 mā 是相仝. 等 Nneoma 睏去, 彼真深, 真暗, 無眠夢, 無光線.
隔工早起, 她開電視, 看著和前工大部份仝款 ê 報導, 只是今彼个跋落 ê 人 in 寡婦已經加入戰場, 要求對中心 ê 記錄和 Furcal ê 公式做全面 ê 審查. Nneoma kō͘ 鼻 hńg 一聲. 這種代誌真著, 會得著公眾 ê 支持, 毋過, 事實是 án-ne, 知影按怎審查 ê 專家攏 teh 食中心 ê 頭路, 著幾若十年 in 才會審查好勢. 較有可能 ê 是, 這不過是愛錢 ê 策略, 彼个查某 mā 會得著她所愛 ê. Furcal 家族 mā 負擔會起.
Nneoma kā 家己講, 上無著 koh 等一點鐘, 她才欲查看她 ê 信息, 就準備欲做日常 ê 走標. 小眼一下, mā 顯示反正無啥 teh 等. 她輸入門 ê 密碼 kā 鎖著, 小伸勼一下, 就出發 ah.
這改走標 kā 昨昏 ê 鬼魂所賰 ê 痕跡攏清了. 她今仔日欲敲電話予 Claudine, 問看彼个跋落 ê 代誌有偌嚴重. 公關 ê 代表 tī 法律上會當講 ê 有限, 毋過若食暗頓 koh 啉幾杯, 有可能予她 ê 舌變較冗. 到厝前 ê 最後彼 mai, Nneoma kā 跤步搝長, koh 注意著放輕鬆. 頂擺她拚甲起傱, 傷著一條筋肉, 派來為她消除疼痛 ê 是一个無表情 ê 查埔, 毋知床邊禮貌是啥碗糕. 她感覺會出, 伊 kā 發落 ê 時 ê 無贊同. 伊定著想講伊 ê 才情浪費 tī 她 ê 博爽地區, 著忍受這號輪班, 一直到會當倒轉 in 營區. Nneoma 討厭像伊彼款 ê 數學家, in mā 討厭親像她這款 ê 人. 神奇 ê 是, 她和 Kioni 竟然會當維持彼段時間.
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5.
She checked the stalls to make sure she was alone and bent forward to take deep breaths. She rarely worked with refugees, true refugees, for this reason. The complexity of their suffering always took something from her. The only time she’d felt anything as strongly was after her mother had passed and her father was in full lament, listing to the side of ruin. How could Nneoma tell him that she couldn’t even look at him without being broken by it? He would never understand. The day she’d tried to work on him, to eat her father’s grief, she finally understood why it was forbidden to work on close family members. Their grief was your own and you could never get out of your head long enough to calculate it. The attempt had ended with them both sobbing, holding each other in comfort and worry, till her father had gotten so angry at the futility of it, the uselessness of her talents this one particular moment and had said words he could not take back.
The bathroom door creaked open. Nneoma knew who it was. The girl couldn’t help but to seek her out. They stared at each other a while, the girl uncertain, till Nneoma held out her arms and the girl walked into them. Nneoma saw the sadness in her eyes and began to plot the results of it on an axis. At one point the girl’s mother shredded by gunfire. Her brother taken in the night by a gang of thugs. Her father falling to the synthesized virus that attacked all the melanin in his skin till his body was an open sore. And other smaller hurts, hunger so deep she’d swallowed fistfuls of mud. Hiding from the men who’d turned on her after her father died. Sneaking into her old neighborhood to see the crisp new houses filled with the more fortunate of the French evacuees, those who hadn’t been left behind to drown, and their children chased her away with rocks like she was a dog. Nneoma looked at every last suffering, traced the edges, weighed the mass. And then she took it.
No one had really been able to explain what happened then, why one person could take another person’s grief. Mathematical theories abounded based on how humans were, in the plainest sense, a bulk of atoms held together by positives and negatives, an equation all their own, a type of cellular math. A theologian might call it a miracle, a kiss of grace from God’s own mouth. Philosophers opined that it was actually the patient who gave up their sadness. But in that room it simply meant that a girl had an unbearable burden and then she did not.
*
The ride back home was silent, Amadi sensing her disquiet and resisting the casual detour he’d make past the junction that led to her father’s house whenever they ventured to this side of town. At home, Nneoma went straight to bed, taking two of the pills that would let her sleep for twelve hours. After that she would be as close to normal as she could be. The girl’s memories would lessen in rawness, becoming like a story she’d read in a book once. The girl would feel the same way. When Nneoma fell asleep, it was deep, black, dreamless thing with no light.
The next morning, she turned on the unit to see much of the same coverage as the day before except now the fallen man’s widow had jumped into the fray, calling for a full audit of the Center’s records and of Furcal’s Formula. Nneoma snorted. It was the sort of thing that sounded right enough to win public support, but the truth was that the only experts who knew enough to audit anything all worked for the Center and it would take them decades to pore over it. More likely this was a ploy for a payoff, which the woman would get. The Furcals could afford it.
Nneoma told herself she wouldn’t check her messages again for at least another hour and prepared for her daily run. A quick peek revealed that there wasn’t anything waiting anyway. She keyed the code into the gate to lock it behind her, stretched, and launched.
The run cleared the last vestiges of yesterday’s ghosts. She would call Claudine today to see how serious this whole falling thing was. There’d only be so much the PR rep could legally say, but dinner and a few drinks might loosen her tongue. Nneoma lengthened her stride the last mile home taking care to ease into it. The last time she’d burst into a sprint, she pulled a muscle and the pain eater assigned to her was a grim man with a nonexistent bedside manner. She’d felt his disapproval as he worked on her. No doubt he thought his talents wasted in her cozy sector and tolerated this rotation till he could get back to the camps. Nneoma disliked Mathematicians like him and they disliked ones like her. It was a miracle she and Kioni had lasted as long as they did.
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