6. Pi-siong se̍h tńg-lâi, tāi-chì piàn siáⁿ-khoán?
Kiâⁿ kàu yin sīa-khu oat-kak ê sî, yi khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-kóa lâng chū-chi̍p tī tōa-mn̂g kháu. Khòng-gī chiá? Yi kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, jiân-āu yi khòaⁿ tio̍h se̍k-sāi chhù-piⁿ ê bīn. Yi kiâⁿ khah óa, chi̍t-ê yi ē-jin-tit, m̄-koh m̄-bat miâ ê lâng tah yi ê keng-kah-thâu.
"Goán í-keng kiò i-seng ah. Yi teh lòng lín ê mn̂g koh tōa-siaⁿ kiò. Yi sī lín pêng-iú, kám m̄-sī? Í-chêng góa bat khòaⁿ kòe yi hām lí chò-hóe." I khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin phō-khiàm, hut-jiân Nneoma bô siūⁿ boeh chai, sī siáng lâi chhōe yi, boeh chhòng-siáⁿ.
He put-kò sī chi̍t-ê khit-chia̍h. Hit-ê cha-bó͘ bô chhēng ê-á, kha-cháiⁿ chiâu sī siong. Yi ná ū khó-lêng se̍h-kòe siâⁿ-chhī ê pó-choân? Hit-ê cha-bó͘ chhun-chhiú hiòng yi ê sî, Nneoma kín tò-thè lu, m̄-koh iáu-sī pī yi ê chéng-thâu-á lia̍h tio̍h, he chéng-thâu-á iù koh sè-ki, ná thâng-thōa ê kha.
Hit-siang chhiú bat phok kòe yi ê sin-khu. Yi bat chim kòe he chhiú-té, lia̍h kòe hiah-ê chéng-thâu-á kàu yi ê chhùi. Kàu tó-ūi yi lóng ē jīn-tit in.
"Kioni?"
"Nneoma, lán tio̍h lâi-khì, taⁿ lán tio̍h kín lâi-khì." yi tio̍h-kông, tiu-tiu khòaⁿ āu-piah.
Yi ê múi chi̍t-chhùn khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h ê phôe-hu m̄-sī jiàu siong, tō sī kā siong a̍h koah siong. Yi he it-hiòng chéng-chê ê thâu-chang-pīⁿ í-keng m̄-kìⁿ chi̍t-pòaⁿ khì, hiàn-chhut chho͘ koh jiâu ê thâu-khak-phôe, bē-su sī hō͘ lâng khiú chhut-lâi. Ùi yi sin-khu lāi hoat-chhut ê sī chhàu chúi-kau ê khì-bī.
"Oh, thiⁿ ah, Kioni, thiⁿ ah."
Kioni khiú yi ê chhiú-ba̍k, m̄-khéng pàng. "Lán tio̍h kín lâi-khì!"
Nneoma ah-lo̍h pak-lāi ê khó-phà kám-kak, kóng, "Sī siáng kā lí pìⁿ kah án-ne? Lán tio̍h kín khì tó-ūi?"
Kioni iô-thâu, siang-kha kūi lo̍h. Nneoma boeh khiú chhut chi̍t-ki chhiú, m̄-koh chò bē-kàu, tō khì chhi̍h tiâu chhiú-sim nih ê kim-sio̍k chhah-kiāⁿ, án-ne Tiong-sim ê pó-choân tō ē chiap-tio̍h kéng-pò. In ē chai-iáⁿ tio̍h án-nóa chò.
Ùi yi taⁿ ê kak-tō͘, Nneoma ē-tàng khòaⁿ koh-khah chē tùi-hong ê siong, chhiú-kut siōng koh khah chē ê jiàu-siong, kā-siong, chi̍p-tiong tī chhiú-khiau í-hā. Jiân-āu ká-ná ū siáⁿ teh liām koh liām, it-ti̍t kàu yi siūⁿ-khí hit-ê Australia lâng, hām iú-koan i chhì boeh chia̍h ka-tī ê kò͘-sū.
"Kioni, che sī siáng pìⁿ ê?" Nneoma koh kóng chi̍t-piàn, sui-bóng yi ê hoâi-gî í-keng kian-tàng kah chin khak-tēng, hit-ê tap-àn hō͘ yi chin tio̍h-kiaⁿ.
Kioni kè-sio̍k iô-thâu, chhùi-tûn ha̍p ân-ân, ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á m̄ sêng-jīn ū kóng pe̍h-chha̍t.
Nn̄g-lâng ê oan-ke khai-sí tī Nneoma chò liáu chi̍t-kiāⁿ put-tek-liáu ê tāi-chì, yi ûi-hoán yin nn̄g-lâng koan-hē só͘-ū ê kài-sòaⁿ (mā ûi-hoán Tiong-sim ê kúi-ā tiâu kui-kí), iā-tō-sī iau-kiû Kioni khì hoa̍t-lo̍h yin lāu-pē. Kioni chū-goān ūi liû-lōng chāi-gōa ê Senegal lâng, Algeria lâng, kap Burkinafaso lâng, sīm-chì kî-thaⁿ thiat-thòe chiá, iā-tō-sī kip-chhiat su-iàu pi-siong kang-chok-chiá ê lâng, só͘-í kóng, yi kin-pún bô eng-kai tùi Kioni thê-chhut chit-ê iau-kiû. Nneoma kóng yi sī ké-kúi ké-koài, Kioni kóng yi sī sēng-pháiⁿ ê hó-gia̍h-kiáⁿ, siūⁿ-kóng ka-tī ê thòng-khó͘ pí si̍t-chè khah tiōng-iàu. Chū án-ne, Kioni iau-kiû yi lī-khui.
Taⁿ, yi su-iàu kā Kioni chhōa kàu Tiong-sim, koh tit-tio̍h yi pang-bâng. M̄-koán hoat-seng siáⁿ tāi-chì, lóng tio̍h tit-tio̍h kái-koat. Yi koh siūⁿ khí hit-ê chū-sat ê Australia lâng.
"In kan-ta lâi liáu iū lâi, lâi liáu koh lâi.
Nneoma khû lo̍h-lâi, thiaⁿ khah chin Kinoi ê ōe. Yin chhù-piⁿ ê lâng lóng sóa kàu thiaⁿ bē-tio̍h ê só͘-chāi, in-ūi hō͘ chhàu-bī heh cháu. "Siáng lâi?" yi mn̄g, siūⁿ boeh kò͘ tiâu Kioni tī sin-piⁿ. Kiù-oān eng-kai tit-boeh kàu ah.
"Só͘-ū ê lâng, lí kám bô khòaⁿ tio̍h?"
Yi khai-sí hoat-hiān hoat-seng tī yin chêng lú-pêng-iú ê tāi-chì.
Kòe-khì 10 nî, Kioni hoa̍t-lo̍h kòe gōa-chē lâng, 5,000? 10,000? cha̍p-bān ê chhòng-siong tī yi ê sim-koaⁿ nih, ho͘-siong e-kheh, cheng-toa̍t chú-lâng ê chù-ì. Lí nā bô hoat-tō͘ pàng bē-kì, a̍h sī lí só͘ thun-chia̍h ê pa̍t-lâng ê pi-siong nā se̍h tò-tńg lâi, án-ne tāi-chì ē piàn siáⁿ-khoán? Jû-kó kong-sek tī chhian-chhian bān-bān kái ê pâi-lia̍t cho͘-ha̍p kòe-têng hoat-seng būn-tê, che sī ū khó-lêng hoat-seng. Án-ne tō ē ū chi̍t-chheng ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê lâng kàng-lo̍h tī lí ê sin-khu.
Nneoma chhì boeh tò-thè, ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh mài khòaⁿ, m̄-koh yi chò bē-kàu. Yi ê pún-lêng hoat-chok, yi kóaⁿ-kín khì kè-sǹg só͘-ū it-chhè. Hit-ê hoān-ûi sī hiah-nī tōa, siuⁿ-kòe tōa. Kan-ta ū yi hām Kioni chò-hóe, chhiau-kòe yin ê hū-tam, sīm-chì nn̄g-lâng mā chài bē-tiâu.
Yi chòe-āu chi̍t-ê chheng-chhó ê siūⁿ-hoat sī yin lāu-pē, tī yi chhì boeh kā sêng-tam ê sî, i ê hū-tam sī gōa-nī chhim-âng, taⁿ ê it-chhè, khòaⁿ tio̍h iū sī gōa-nī sí-pe̍h.
[Soah]
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6. 悲傷踅轉來, 代誌變啥款?
行到姻社區斡角 ê 時, 她看著一寡人聚集 tī 大門口. 抗議者? 她驚一趒, 然後她看著熟似厝邊 ê 面. 她行較倚, 一个她會認得, 毋過毋捌名 ê 人搭她 ê 肩胛頭.
"阮已經叫醫生 ah. 她 teh 挵恁 ê 門 koh 大聲叫. 她是恁朋友, 敢毋是? 以前我捌看過她和你做伙." 伊看起來真抱歉, 忽然 Nneoma 無想欲知, 是 siáng 來揣她, 欲創啥.
彼不過是一个乞食. 彼个查某無穿鞋仔, 跤指齊是傷. 她那有可能踅過城市 ê 保全? 彼个查某伸手向她 ê 時, Nneoma 緊倒退攄, 毋過猶是被她 ê 指頭仔掠著, he 指頭仔幼 koh 細支, ná 蟲豸 ê 跤.
彼雙手捌撲過她 ê 身軀. 她捌唚過 he 手底, 掠過 hiah-ê 指頭仔到她 ê 喙. 到佗位她攏會認得 in.
"Kioni?"
"Nneoma, 咱著來去, 今咱著緊來去." 她著狂, tiu-tiu 看後壁.
她 ê 每一寸看會著 ê 皮膚毋是抓傷, 就是咬傷 a̍h 割傷. 她 he 一向整齊 ê 頭鬃辮已經毋見一半去, 現出粗 koh 皺 ê 頭殼皮, 袂輸是予人搝出來. Ùi 她身軀內發出 ê 是臭水溝 ê 氣味.
"Oh, 天 ah, Kioni, 天 ah."
Kioni 搝她 ê 手目, 毋肯放. "咱著緊來去!"
Nneoma 壓落腹內 ê 可怕感覺, 講, "是 siáng kā 你 pìⁿ 甲 án-ne? 咱著緊去佗位?"
Kioni 搖頭, 雙跤跪落. Nneoma 欲搝出一支手, 毋過做袂到, 就去揤牢手心 nih ê 金屬插件, án-ne 中心 ê 保全就會接著警報. In 會知影著按怎做.
Ùi 她今 ê 角度, Nneoma 會當看閣較濟對方 ê 傷, 手骨上閣較濟 ê 抓傷, 咬傷, 集中 tī 手曲以下. 然後 ká-ná 有啥 teh 念 koh 念, 一直到她想起彼个 Australia 人, 和有關伊試欲食家己 ê 故事.
"Kioni, 這是 siáng pìⁿ ê?" Nneoma 閣講一遍, 雖罔 她 ê 懷疑已經堅凍甲真確定, 彼个答案予她真著驚.
Kioni 繼續搖頭, 喙唇合絚絚, 若像囡仔 m̄ 承認有講白賊.
兩人 ê 冤家開始 tī Nneoma 做了一件不得了 ê 代誌, 她違反姻兩人關係所有 ê 界線 (mā 違反中心 ê 幾若條規矩), 也就是要求 Kioni 去發落姻老爸. Kioni 自願為流浪在外 ê Senegal 人, Algeria 人, kap Burkinafaso 人, 甚至其他撤退者, 也就是急切需要悲傷工作者 ê 人, 所以講, 她根本無應該對 Kioni 提出這个要求. Nneoma 講她是假鬼假怪, Kioni 講她是 sēng 歹 ê 好額囝, 想講家己 ê 痛苦比實際較重要. 自 án-ne, Kioni 要求她離開.
今, 她需要 kā Kioni chhōa 到中心, koh 得著她幫忙. 毋管發生啥代誌, 攏著得著解決. 她 koh 想起彼个自殺 ê Australia 人.
"In 干焦來了又來, 來了 koh 來.
Nneoma 跍落來, 聽較真 Kinoi ê 話. 姻厝邊 ê 人攏徙到聽袂著 ê 所在, 因為予臭味嚇走. "Siáng 來?" 她問, 想欲顧牢 Kioni tī 身邊. 救援應該得欲到 ah.
"所有 ê 人, 你敢無看著?"
她開始發現發生 tī 姻前女朋友 ê 代誌.
過去 10 年, Kioni 發落過偌濟人, 5,000? 10,000? 十萬 ê 創傷 tī 她 ê 心肝 nih, 互相 e-kheh, 爭奪主人 ê 注意. 你若無法度放袂記, a̍h 是你所吞食 ê 別人 ê 悲傷若踅倒轉來, án-ne 代誌會變啥款? 如果公式 tī 千千萬萬改 ê 排列組合過程發生問題, 這是有可能發生. Án-ne 就會有一千个跋落 ê 人降落 tī 你 ê 身軀.
Nneoma 試欲倒退, 目睭瞌瞌莫看, 毋過她做袂到. 她 ê 本能發作, 她趕緊去計算所有一切. 彼个範圍是 hiah-nī 大, siuⁿ 過大. 干焦有她和 Kioni 做伙, 超過姻 ê 負擔, 甚至兩人 mā chài 袂牢.
她最後一个清楚 ê 想法是姻老爸, tī 她試欲 kā 承擔 ê 時, 伊 ê 負擔是 gōa-nī 深紅, 今 ê 一切, 看著又是 gōa-nī 死白.
[煞]
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6.
As she cleared the corner around her compound, she saw a small crowd gathered at her gate. Protesters? she wondered in shock before she registered the familiar faces of her neighbors. When she neared, a man she recognized but could not name caught her by the shoulders.
“We called medical right away. She was banging on your gate and screaming. She is your friend, no? I’ve seen her with you before.” He looked very sorry and suddenly Nneoma didn’t want to know who was there to see her and why.
It was just a beggar. The woman wore no shoes and her toes were wounds. How on earth had she been able to bypass city security? Nneoma scrambled back when the woman reached out for her but was arrested by her fingers, delicate and spindly, like insect legs.
Those hands had once stroked her body. She had once kissed those palms and drawn those fingers into her mouth. She would recognize them anywhere.
“Kioni?”
“Nneoma we have to go, we have to go now.” She was frantic and kept looking behind her.
Every bare inch of her skin was scratched or bitten or cut in some way. Her usually neat coif of dreadlocks were half missing, her scalp raw and puckered like someone had yanked them out. The smell that rolled from her was all sewage.
“Oh my god, Kioni, oh my god.”
Kioni grabbed her wrists and wouldn’t surrender them. “We have to go!”
Nneoma tried to talk around the horrified pit in her stomach. “Who did this to you? Where do we have to go?”
Kioni shook her head and sank to her knees. Nneoma tried to free one of her hands and, when she couldn’t, pressed and held the metal insert under her palm that would alert security at the Center. They would know what to do.
From her current angle, Nneoma could see more of the damage on the other woman, more scratches, more bites on her arms concentrated below the elbow. And then something nagged and nagged at her till she remembered the Australian and the stories of him trying to eat himself.
“Kioni who did this?” Nneoma repeated, though her suspicion was beginning to clot into certainty and she feared the answer.
Kioni continued shaking her head and pressed her lips together like a child refusing to confess a lie.
Their fight had started when Nneoma had done the unthinkable, violating every boundary of their relationship (and a handful of Center rules) and asked Kioni to work on her father. Kioni, who volunteered herself to the displaced Senegalese and Algerians and Burkinababes and even the evacuees, anyone in dire need of a grief worker, was the last person she should have asked for such a thing. Nneoma had called her sanctimonious and Kioni had called her a spoiled rich girl who thought her pain was more important than it actually was. And then Kioni had asked her to leave.
Now she needed to get Kioni to the Center and get her help. Whatever was happening had to be fixed. She remembered again the Australian who had killed himself.
“They just come and they come and they come.”
Nneoma crouched down to hear Kioni better. Most of her neighbors had moved beyond hearing distance, chased away by the smell. “Who comes?” she asked, trying to keep Kioni with her. Aid must be on their way.
“All of them, can’t you see?”
She began to see what was happening to her former girlfriend.
How many people had Kioni worked with over the last decade, five thousand? Ten? Ten thousand traumas in her psyche, squeezing past each other, vying for the attention of their host. What would happen if you couldn’t forget, if every emotion from every person whose grief you’d eaten came back up? It could happen if something went wrong with the formula millions and millions of permutations down the line. A thousand falling men landing on you.
Nneoma tried to retreat, to close her eyes and unsee, but she couldn’t. Instinct took over and she raced to calculate it all. The breadth of it was so vast, too vast. It was just her and Kioni together, their burden excessive, even for two.
The last clear thought she would ever have was of her father, how crimson his burden had been when she’d tried to shoulder it, and how very pale it all seemed now.
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//
Lesley Nneka Arimah moved from Nigeria to the US in her early teens and now resides in Minnesota where she spends the winters in hiding. If she could just get off Twitter, Lesley would complete her novel and collection of short stories.
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