2. Góa bô-ài koh án-ne
Tán chit-ê cha-bó͘ kiâⁿ óa góa, i tōa-la̍t lia̍h góa khòaⁿ, jiân-āu siang-chhiú gia̍h koân. I tiāⁿ-tio̍h chá-chêng bat tī tó-ūi khòaⁿ kòe góa, in-ūi i kóng, "Sī lí oh. Lí khòaⁿ, sī lí lah. Chòe-kīn lí lóng teh chhòng-siáⁿ?"
Góa goân-pún ē-sái kóng, "Góa it-ti̍t teh kî-tó mài koh khah lò ah."
Góa goân-pún ē-sái kóng, "Góa it-ti̍t hó-hó-á thiaⁿ a-niâ ê ōe, hó-thang o̍h ē-hiáu chò hàu-sūn ê lú-jî."
Góa goân-pún ē-sái kóng, "Chi̍t-tīn káu, móa siâⁿ-lāi cháu sio-jiok thiám ah, khùn tī goe̍h-kng hā."
M̄-koh, góa kóng, "Góa chòe-kīn teh chhòng-siáⁿ: Góa thán-chhiò tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, chhiú gia̍h koân, chéng-thâu-á tī ām-kún niā sió-khóa sio kau-chhah. Ū lâng chhi̍h mn̂g-lêng. Góa lo̍h-lâu, khui mn̂g, m̄-koh bô lâng tī hia. Góa ta̍h chhut-lâi. Nā m̄-sī lo̍h sap-sap-á hō͘, tō sī khong-khì kāu eng-ia, eng-ia sip-sip. Góa chhun chi̍h, he hō͘-chúi a̍h sip eng-ia chīⁿ tio̍h ná kong-ha̍k-hāu ê ba̍k-chúi. Góa khòaⁿ ǹg pak, góa khòaⁿ ǹg lâm. Góa khai-sí kiâⁿ ǹg pak. Ná ǹg pak kiâⁿ, góa boeh kóaⁿ-kín, tō thǹg kha chhēng ê ê-á. Ná kiâⁿ ǹg pak, góa khòaⁿ koân, khòaⁿ tio̍h Kim-chheⁿ, góa tō kóng, "Nā ji̍t-thâu chhut-lâi, tio̍h kòe 8 hun-cheng góa chiah ē chai." Góa khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-chiah kâu chē tī chi̍t-châng bô hio̍h-á ê chhiū-á téng, góa tō kóng, "Chi̍t-chiah kâu. Lí khòaⁿ hia. Chi̍t-chiah kâu." Góa khioh chi̍t-lia̍p chio̍h-thâu, góa kā khian ǹg kâu. Khòaⁿ tio̍h chio̍h-thâu, kâu kín sóa-khui i ê ūi. Góa ǹg kâu khian 3-kái chio̍h-thâu, i 3-kái sóa-ūi. Tē-sì kái góa khian chio̍h-thâu, kâu kā chiap-tio̍h, koh khian góa. Chio̍h-thâu kòng tio̍h góa chiàⁿ-pêng ba̍k-chiu téng ê hia̍h-thâu, chō-sêng chi̍t-ê chhim ê khang-chhùi. Khang-chhùi sûi hó, m̄-koh góa hia̍h-thâu ê phôe kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ ké phôe. góa m̄-chai kiâⁿ gōa-hn̄g chiah tú tio̍h chi̍t-ê tōa chúi-bīn. góa boeh kòe khì, só͘-í tán chûn lâi ê sî, góa la̍p chîⁿ. Tán góa kàu hit-pêng, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h chē-chē lâng chē tī hái soa-po͘, in teh iá-chhan. In sī góa khòaⁿ kòe siōng súi ê lâng. In ê ta̍k-hāng mi̍h lóng sī o͘ koh kim. In ê phôe-hu o͘ koh kim. In ê ê-á o͘ koh kim. In ê thâu-chang o͘ koh kim. Góa ē-tit thiaⁿ tio̍h in ná chhiò ná khai-káng, góa tō kóng, Góa boeh hām chiah-ê lâng chò-tīn, góa tō khai-sí kiâⁿ hiòng in, m̄-koh tán góa kiâⁿ óa in ê sî, góa hoat-hiān in m̄-sī teh iá-chhan, in bô súi, in bô teh ná khai-káng ná chhiò.Góa sì-chiu-ûi lóng sī o͘-thô͘, hiah-ê lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h lóng ká-ná sī o͘-thô͘ chò ê. Góa khòaⁿ koân, khòaⁿ tio̍h thiⁿ koân koh hn̄g, bô mi̍h-kiāⁿ góa ē-tàng khiā khí-khì kō͘ chéng-thâu-á bóe khì bong thiⁿ. Góa siūⁿ, Chí-iàu góa ē-tàng lī-khui chia tō hó, só͘-í góa khai-sí kiâⁿ. Góa tiāⁿ-tio̍h kiâⁿ chin kú, in-ūi góa kha thiàⁿ, kám-kak in ná-chhiūⁿ boeh lut--khì. Góa siūⁿ, Chí-iàu tī oat-kak ê ūi góa ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h goán tau, ji̍p-chhù góa tō ē chhōe tio̍h góa ê chhn̂g, tú pho͘ hó-sè ê bîn-chhn̂g, tī chàu-kha góa tō ē-tàng chhōe tio̍h a-niâ, a̍h jīm-hô góa ài ê lâng ūi góa só͘ chò ê custard /kás.ta/ tiám-sim. Góa siūⁿ, Chí-iàu che sī lé-pài-ji̍t, góa chē tī kàu-tn̂g, góa tú-chiah thiaⁿ tio̍h ū-lâng chhiùⁿ sèng-si tō hó. Góa kám-kak chin siong-sim, só͘-í góa chē lo̍h-lâi. Góa kám-kak chiok siong-sim, tō kā thâu khò tī kha-thâu-u, ná so ka-tī ê thâu-chang. Góa kám-kak siong-sim kah bô hoat-tō͘ koh siūⁿ kî-thaⁿ ê kám-kak. Góa kóng, Góa bô-ài án-ne. Góa bô-ài koh án-ne chò. Góa tńg-khì tó tī chhn̂g, jiân-āu thiaⁿ tio̍h mn̂g-lêng hiáng.
(Soah)
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2. 我無愛 koh án-ne
等這个查某行倚我, 伊大力掠我看, 然後雙手攑懸. 伊定著早前 bat tī 佗位看過我, 因為伊講, "是你 oh. 你看, 是你 lah. 最近你 lóng teh 創啥?"
我原本會使講, "我一直 teh 祈禱莫 koh 較躼 ah."
我原本會使講, "我一直好好仔聽阿娘 ê 話, 好通學會曉做孝順 ê 女兒."
我原本會使講, "一陣狗, 滿城內走相逐忝 ah, 睏 tī 月光下."
毋過, 我講, "我最近 teh 創啥: 我坦笑倒 tī 眠床, 手攑懸, 指頭仔 tī 頷頸陵小可相交插. 有人揤門鈴. 我落樓, 開門, 毋過無人 tī hia. 我踏出來. 若毋是落霎霎仔雨, tō 是空氣厚坱埃, 坱埃濕濕. 我伸舌, he 雨水 a̍h 濕坱埃舐著 ná 公學校 ê 墨水. 我看 ǹg 北, 我看 ǹg 南. 我開始行 ǹg 北. Ná ǹg 北行, 我欲趕緊, tō 褪跤穿 ê 鞋仔. Ná 行 ǹg 北, 我看懸, 看著金星, 我 tō 講, "若日頭出來, 著過 8 分鐘我才會知." 我看著一隻猴坐 tī 一叢無葉仔 ê 樹仔頂, 我 tō 講, "一隻猴. 你看 hia. 一隻猴." 我抾一粒石頭, 我 kā 掔 ǹg 猴. 看著石頭, 猴緊徙開伊 ê 位. 我 ǹg 猴掔 3 改石頭, 伊 3 改徙位. 第 4 改我掔石頭, 猴 kā 接著, koh 掔我. 石頭摃著我正爿目睭頂 ê 額頭, 造成一个深 ê 空喙. 空喙隨好, 毋過我額頭 ê 皮感覺 ná 像假皮. 我毋知行偌遠才拄著一个大水面. 我欲過去, 所以等船來 ê 時, 我納錢. 等我到彼爿, 我看著濟濟人坐 tī 海沙埔, in teh 野餐. In 是我看過上媠 ê 人. In ê 逐項物 lóng 是烏 koh 金. In ê 皮膚烏 koh 金. In ê 鞋仔烏 koh 金. In ê 頭鬃烏 koh 金. 我會得聽著 in ná 笑 ná 開講, 我 tō 講, 我欲和 chiah-ê 人做陣, 我 tō 開始行向 in, 毋過等我行倚 in ê 時, 我發現 in 毋是 teh 野餐, in 無媠, in 無 teh ná 開講 ná 笑.我四周圍 lóng 是烏塗, hiah-ê 人看著 lóng ká-ná 是烏塗做 ê. 我看懸, 看著天懸 koh 遠, 無物件我會當徛起去 kō͘ 指頭仔尾去摸天. 我想, 只要我會當離開 chia tō 好, 所以我開始行. 我定著行真久, 因為我跤疼, 感覺 in ná 像欲甪去. 我想, 只要 tī 斡角 ê 位我會當看著阮兜, 入厝我 tō 會揣著我 ê 床, 拄鋪好勢 ê 眠床, tī 灶跤我 tō 會當揣著阿娘, a̍h 任何我愛 ê 人為我所做 ê custard /kás.ta/ 點心. 我想, 只要這是禮拜日, 我坐 tī 教堂, 我拄才聽著有人唱聖詩 tō 好. 我感覺真傷心, 所以我坐落來. 我感覺足傷心, tō kā 頭靠 tī 跤頭趺, ná 挲家己 ê 頭鬃. 我感覺傷心甲無法度 koh 想其他 ê 感覺. 我講, 我無愛 án-ne. 我無愛 koh án-ne 做. 我轉去倒 tī 床, 然後聽著門鈴響.
(煞)
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2.
When this woman got closer to me, she looked at me hard and then she threw up her hands. She must have seen me somewhere before because she said, “It’s you. Just look at that. It’s you. And just what have you been doing lately?”
I could have said, “I have been praying not to grow any taller.”
I could have said, “I have been listening carefully to my mother’s words, so as to make a good imitation of a dutiful daughter.”
I could have said, “A pack of dogs, tired from chasing each other all over town, slept in the moonlight.”
Instead, I said, “What I have been doing lately: I was lying in bed on my back, my hands drawn up, my fingers interlaced lightly at the nape of my neck. Someone rang the doorbell. I went downstairs and opened the door but there was no one there. I stepped outside. Either it was drizzling or there was a lot of dust in the air and the dust was damp. I stuck out my tongue and the drizzle or the damp dust tasted like government school ink. I looked north and I looked south. I started walking north. While walking north, I wanted to move fast, so I removed the shoes from my feet. While walking north, I looked up and saw the planet Venus and I said, “If the sun went out, it would be eight minutes before I would know it.” I saw a monkey sitting in a tree that had no leaves and I said, “A monkey. Just look at that. A monkey.” I picked up a stone and I threw it at the monkey. The monkey, seeing the stone, quickly moved out of its way. Three times I threw a stone at the monkey and three times it moved away. The fourth time I threw the stone, the monkey caught it and threw it me. The stone struck me on my forehead over my right eye, making a deep gash. The gash healed immediately but now the skin on my forehead felt false to me. I walked for I don’t know how long before I came to a big body of water. I wanted to get across, so when the boat came I paid my fare. When I got to the other side, I saw a lot of people sitting on the beach and they were having a picnic. They were the most beautiful people I had ever seen. Everything about them was black and shiny. Their skin was black and shiny. Their shoes were black and shiny. Their hair was black and shiny. The clothes they wore were black and shiny. I could hear them laughing and chatting and I said, I would like to be with these people, so I started to walk toward them, but when I got up close to them I saw that they weren’t at a picnic and they weren’t beautiful and they weren’t chatting and laughing. All around me was black mud and the people all looked as if they had been made up out of the black mud. I looked up and saw that the sky seemed far away and nothing I could stand on would make me able to touch it with my fingertips. I thought, If only I could get out of this, so I started to walk. I must have walked for a long time because my feet hurt and felt as if they would drop off. I thought, If only just around the bend I would see my house and inside my house I would find my bed, freshly made at that, and in the kitchen I would find my mother or anyone else that I loved making me a custard. I thought, If only it was a Sunday and I was sitting in a church and I had just heard someone sing a psalm. I felt very sad so I sat down. I felt so sad that I rested my head on my own knees and smoothed my own head. I felt so sad I couldn’t imagine feeling any other way again. I said, I don’t like this. I don’t want to do this anymore. And I went back to lying in bed just before the doorbell rang.
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// 2022-7-9
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