5. 閣來猶有 6 分鐘

5. Koh-lâi iáu ū 6 hun-cheng

Goán ná kiâⁿ, ná khòaⁿ chia, khòaⁿ hia, tùi sū-sū hāng-hāng lóng chhiau-kip chù-ì. Thê-ko kéng-chhéⁿ. Góa kám-kak ná-chhiūⁿ sin chhut-sì ê gín-á, kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ keng-kòe chit-ê sè-kài. Che sī chi̍t-ê tùi-khòng sí-bông ê ji̍t-chí; sī hoan-âng-hoe ê ji̍t-chí. Tem it-ti̍t kóng chiah-ê hó-thiaⁿ, chong-giâm, tì-hūi ê ōe, khióng-kiaⁿ he ē sī i tùi góa kóng ê siōng-bóe kù ōe, m̄-koh góa chin-chiàⁿ ài thiaⁿ ê sī chhìn-chhái ōe (chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, góa tī pa̍t-ê pâng-keng teh nauh siáⁿ ê sî, Tem só͘ nāi-sim, tio̍h-kip, a̍h hun-sim kóng kúi-chheng kái ê "Siáⁿ lah?"), só͘-tì, lo̍h-bóe góa kiò i mài koh kóng.

"Lí teh hō͘ góa ap-le̍k," góa kóng.

"Góa hō͘ lí ap-le̍k?" Tem án-ne khau-sé kóng. M̄-koh, i bô koh kóng chong-giâm ê tāi-chì. Goán sàn-pō͘, lim kapi, koh sàn-pō͘ chi̍t-khùn, koh chia̍h-tàu, goán chē tī chi̍t-ê kong-hn̂g, múi chi̍t-ê cheng-ka ê sî-khek lóng sī chi̍t-ê kiaⁿ-kî, goán koh chē khì lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê kong-hn̂g, koh lim khah-chē kapi, koh sàn-pō͘, chia̍h àm-tǹg. Ta̍k-pái góa khòaⁿ tio̍h goán ê sin-iáⁿ hoán-siā tī chi̍t-tè thang-á, góa lóng koh-chài khòaⁿ chi̍t-piàn -- po-lê ni̍h hit-tùi lāu hu-chhe sī siáng ah, hit-ê thoa-pō͘ teh kiâⁿ ê thuh-thâu cha-po͘ lia̍h tiâu-tiâu hit-ê chhēng khoah gû-á-khò͘ ê a-má ah? M̄-koh, sui-jiân goán í-keng lāu ah, góa ê kám-kak iáu sī bêng-liāng, siàu-liân, tùi kapi ê kháu-bī, chháu ê sek-chúi, gín-á tī ūn-tōng-tiâⁿ sńg ê khin-siaⁿ ōe lóng iáu chin bín-kám. Góa kám-kak bô khan-kòa, tông-sî mā sī bô khan-kòa ê tò-péng, bē-su ná khòaⁿ thiⁿ téng ê hong-chhoe, góa koh ē-tàng kám-kak tio̍h só͘ chē tn̂g-í ē-bīn hoat-seng ê thó͘-tē chùn-tāng. Nā kóng chit-kang hō͘ góa siūⁿ tio̍h 38-nî chêng góa hām Tem chò-hóe ê tē-it kang, án-ne kám ē chin kî-koài?

Ē-po͘ niū-ūi hō͘ chi̍t-ê lêng-chēng ê nâ-sek àm-mê, goe̍h-niû sī chheng-chheng chhó-chhó ê pòaⁿ-pêng, goán chē tī goán-tau sió-sió ê gîm-chîⁿ, khòaⁿ chhia se̍h kòe ke-lō͘. Ū sî-chūn, khong-khì ni̍h ū hiⁿ-siaⁿ, ná khòaⁿ bē-tio̍h ê ui-hia̍p, ū-sî iū kám-kak he put-kò sī khong-khì. M̄-koh, góa tú kám-kak he sī khong-khì, sûi-tō koh chi̍t-kái ū hiⁿ-siaⁿ, ná khòaⁿ bē-tio̍h ê ui-hia̍p. 

Àm-sî 11:45, goán tī chhù ni̍h, lù chhùi-khí, teh chhoah. Tem ê khí-bín lak-lo̍h bé-tháng ni̍h. Góa thè i kā sa chhut-lâi. Góa kám ē kan-ta poa̍h-tó tī thô͘-kha, a̍h sī ē chhut-hiān chi̍t-ê chah bú-khì ê kiông-tō?

Nā hut m̄-tio̍h khì ē án-nóa? Siūⁿ khí hit-tâi kán-tan ê ki-tâi, hit-tiuⁿ sió chóa-phìⁿ, Khí-pôaⁿ léng-léng ê botán, góa tîm-chùi tī kúi-nî lâi m̄-káⁿ siūⁿ ê hoàn-sióng. Hut-jiân-kan, he khòaⁿ sī ū khó-lêng, góa su-ji̍p ê siā-hōe an-choân hō-má m̄-tio̍h, kiám chi̍t-ūi sò͘-jī. A̍h-sī chhut-hiān bó͘-chióng ê koaⁿ-liâu chhò-gō͘, tī ki-tâi lāi-bīn ū bó͘-chióng kò͘-chiong. A̍h-sī, hoān-sè góa kā sò͘-jī chhap m̄-tio̍h khì -- 2047-nî 4-goe̍h 13. Góa nā oa̍h chhiau-kòe 2043-nî 4-goe̍h 17, góa sèⁿ-miā ê sin kài-hān ē tī tó-ūi?

Ná teh phi̍h-phi̍h chhoah, góa ná kō͘ chúi-tō-thâu chhèng-ian ê sio-chúi sé Tem ê khí-bín-á; khì io̍h-chng tiàm se̍h hòe-kè chhōe thè-ōaⁿ ê sin khí-bín, koh kéng sin sek-chúi ê, eng-kai bē sī góa.

Goán khiā tī hia, hō͘-siong siòng e̍k-sek kiàⁿ ni̍h ê tùi-hong. Chit-kái, góa bô hām-lo̍h tī kiàⁿ ni̍h ê ka-tī -- Tem, góa teh siòng ê sī Tem, góa só͘ chò ê tō-sī án-ne.

Sī án-nóa góa m̄-bat siūⁿ tio̍h, hit-ê sí-bông Tem mā ū-hūn?

Chit kúi-nî lâi, chin-ê, góa chi̍t-kái to bô siūⁿ tio̍h hit-ê khó-lêng-sèng. M̄-koh, ū khó-lêng sī chi̍t-lia̍p chheⁿ-chio̍h, chi̍t-lia̍p chà-tôaⁿ, chi̍t-kái tē-tāng, chi̍t-tiûⁿ hóe-chai.

Góa kā ba̍k-chiu sóa khui kiàⁿ ni̍h ê Tem, lia̍h-tiâu chin-si̍t ê Tem. Góa kā lia̍h tiâu-tiâu, ná-chhiūⁿ lia̍h soaⁿ-khàm kāng-khoán, i mā kā góa lia̍h tò-tńg.

Góa sǹg kín-tiuⁿ ê 10-bió. Sǹg i ām-kún hoeh-me̍h ê thiàu-tāng.

"Lán kám tio̍h...?" góa kóng.

"Siáⁿ-mi̍h?" Tem kín-kín kóng, chhiong-móa hi-bāng, bē-su góa tit-boeh thê-chhut chi̍t-ê kái-koat hong-àn.

"Góa m̄-chai," góa kóng. "Lâi khì khùn? Chá tō chhiau-kòe lán khùn ê sî-kan ah."

"Khùn ê sî-kan!" Tem kóng, ká-ná góa sī teh kek ngó͘-jîn, sui-bóng i chhiò bē chhut-lâi.

Àm-sî 11:54, 2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17. Goán siang-lâng lóng iáu oa̍h-tio̍h, bô tāi-chì. M̄-koh, góa bē-sái siuⁿ kòe-thâu. Koh-lâi iáu ū 6 hun-cheng.

[Soah]

- -

5. 閣來猶有 6 分鐘

阮 ná 行, ná 看遮, 看遐, 對事事項項攏超級注意. 提高警醒. 我感覺 ná 像新出世 ê 囡仔, 驚驚經過這个世界. 這是一个對抗死亡 ê 日子; 是番紅花 ê 日子. Tem 一直講 chiah-ê 好聽, 莊嚴, 智慧 ê 話, 恐驚彼會是伊對我講 ê 上尾句話, 毋過我真正愛聽 ê 是凊彩話 (親像講, 我 tī 別个房間 teh 喃啥 ê 時, Tem 所耐心, 著急, a̍h 分心講幾千改 ê "啥 lah?"), 所致, 落尾我叫伊莫閣講.

"你 teh 予我壓力," 我講.

"我予你壓力?" Tem án-ne 剾洗講. 毋過, 伊無 koh 講莊嚴 ê 代誌. 阮散步, 啉 kapi, koh 散步一睏, koh 食晝, 阮坐 tī 一个公園, 每一个增加 ê 時刻攏是一个驚奇, 阮 koh 坐去另外一个公園, koh 啉較濟 kapi, koh 散步, 食暗頓. 逐擺我看著阮 ê 身影反射 tī 一塊窗仔, 我攏閣再看一遍 -- 玻璃 ni̍h 彼對老夫妻是 siáng ah, 彼个拖步 teh 行 ê 禿頭查埔掠牢牢彼个穿闊牛仔褲 ê 阿媽 ah? 毋過, 雖然阮已經老 ah, 我 ê 感覺猶是明亮, 少年, 對 kapi ê 口味, 草 ê 色水, 囡仔 tī 運動埕耍 ê 輕聲話攏猶真敏感. 我感覺無牽掛, 同時 mā 是無牽掛 ê 倒反, 袂輸 ná 看天頂 ê 風吹, 我 koh 會當感覺著所坐長椅下面發生 ê 土地顫動. 若講這工予我想著 38 年前我和 Tem 做伙 ê 第一工, án-ne 敢會真奇怪?

下晡讓位予一个寧靜 ê 藍色暗暝, 月娘是清清楚楚 ê 半爿, 阮坐 tī 阮兜小小 ê 砛簷, 看車踅過街路. 有時陣, 空氣 ni̍h 有 hiⁿ 聲, ná 看袂著 ê 威脅, 有時又感覺彼不過是空氣. 毋過, 我拄感覺彼是空氣, 隨就 koh 一改有 hiⁿ 聲, ná 看袂著 ê 威脅. 

暗時 11:45, 阮 tī 厝 ni̍h, 鑢喙齒, teh 掣. Tem ê 齒抿 lak 落馬桶 ni̍h. 我替伊 kā 捎出來. 我敢會干焦跋倒 tī 塗跤, 抑是會出現一个扎武器 ê 強盜?

若拂毋著去會按怎? 想起彼台簡單 ê 機台, 彼張小紙片, 齒盤冷冷 ê botán, 我沉醉 tī 幾年來毋敢想 ê 幻想. 忽然間, he 看是有可能, 我輸入 ê 社會安全號碼毋著, 減一位數字. 抑是出現某種 ê 官僚錯誤, tī 機台內面有某種故障. 抑是, 凡勢我 kā 數字 chhap 毋著去 -- 2047 年 4 月 13. 我若活超過 2043 年 4 月 17, 我性命 ê 新界限會 tī 佗位?

Ná teh phi̍h-phi̍h 掣, 我 ná kō͘ 水道頭熗煙 ê 燒水洗 Tem ê 齒抿仔; 去藥妝店踅貨架揣替換 ê 新齒抿, koh 揀新色水 ê, 應該袂是我.

阮徛 tī 遐, 互相相浴室鏡 ni̍h ê 對方. 這改, 我無陷落 tī 鏡 ni̍h ê 家己 -- Tem, 我 teh 相 ê 是 Tem, 我所做 ê 就是 án-ne.

是按怎我毋捌想著, 彼个死亡 Tem mā 有份?

這幾年來, 真 ê, 我一改 to 無想著彼个可能性. 毋過, 有可能是一粒星石, 一粒炸彈, 一改地動, 一場火災.

我 kā 目睭徙開鏡 ni̍h ê Tem, 掠牢真實 ê Tem. 我 kā 掠牢牢, ná 像掠山崁仝款, 伊 mā kā 我掠倒轉.

我算緊張 ê 10 秒. 算伊頷頸血脈 ê 跳動.

"咱敢著...?" 我講.

"啥物?" Tem 緊緊講, 充滿希望, 袂輸我得欲提出一个解決方案.

"我毋知," 我講. "來去睏? 早 tō 超過咱睏 ê 時間 ah."

"睏 ê 時間!" Tem 講, ká-ná 我是 teh 激五仁, 雖罔伊笑袂出來.

暗時 11:54, 2043 年四月 17. 阮雙人攏猶活著, 無代誌. 毋過, 我袂使 siuⁿ 過頭. 閣來猶有 6 分鐘.

[煞]

- -

5.

We walked, looking this way and that as we went, hyperaware of everything. Vigilant. I felt like a newborn person, passing so alertly through the world. It was such an anti-death day; the crocuses. Tem kept saying these beautiful, solemn one-liners that would work well if they happened to be the last words he ever said to me, but what I really wanted to hear was throwaway words (all those thousands of times Tem had said “What?” patiently or irritably or absentmindedly when I’d mumbled something from the other room), so eventually I had to tell him to please stop.

“You’re stressing me out,” I said.

“I’m stressing you out?” Tem scoffed. But he did stop saying the solemn things. We strolled and got coffee, we strolled some more and got lunch, we sat in a park, each additional moment a small shock, we sat in another park, we got more coffee, we strolled and got dinner. Every time I caught a glimpse of us reflected in a window, I had to look again — who was that aging couple in the glass, the balding shuffling guy hanging onto the grandmother in the saggy jeans? Still, old though we’d become, my senses felt bright and young, supremely sensitive to the taste of the coffee, the color of the rising grass, the sound of kids whispering on the playground. I felt carefree and at the same time the opposite of carefree, as though I could sense the seismic activity taking place beneath the bench where we sat, gazing up at kites. Is it strange to say that this day reminded me of the first day I’d ever spent with Tem, thirty-eight years ago?

The afternoon gave way to a serene blue evening, the moon a sharp and perfect half, and we sat on our small front porch, watching cars glide down our street. At times the air buzzed with invisible threat, and at times it just felt like air. But the instant I noticed it just felt like air, it would begin to buzz with invisible threat once more.

Come 11:45 pm, we were inside, brushing our teeth, shaking. Tem dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. I grabbed it out for him. Would I simply collapse onto the floor, or would it be a burglar with a weapon?

What if there had been an error? Remembering back to that humble machine, that thin scrap of paper, the cold buttons of the keypad, I indulged in the fantasy I’d avoided over the years. It suddenly seemed possible that I’d punched my social in wrong, one digit off. Or that there had been some kind of bureaucratic mistake, some malfunction deep within the machine. Or perhaps I’d mixed up the digits — April 13, 2047. If I lived beyond April 17, 2043, where would the new boundaries of my life lie?

Shakily, I washed Tem’s toothbrush in steaming hot water from the faucet; it wouldn’t be me lingering in the aisle of the drugstore, considering the potential replacements, the colors.

We stood there staring at each other in the bathroom mirror. This time I didn’t fall into my own reflection — Tem, I was looking at Tem, that’s what I was doing.

Why had it never occurred to me that it might be something that would kill Tem too?

In all of these years, truly, I had never once entertained that possibility. But it could be a meteorite, a bomb, an earthquake, a fire.

I unlocked my eyes from Tem’s reflection and grabbed the real Tem. I clung to him like I was clinging to a cliff, and he clung right back.

I counted ten tense seconds. The pulse in his neck.

“Should we — ?” I said.

“What?” Tem said quickly, almost hopefully, as though I was about to propose a solution.

“I don’t know,” I said. “Go to bed? It’s way past our bedtime.”

“Bedtime!” Tem said as though I was hilarious, though he didn’t manage a laugh.

11:54pm on April 17, 2043. We are both alive and well. Yet I mustn’t get ahead of myself. There are still six minutes remaining.

- -

//

Copyright © 2013 by the Author.

About the Author

Helen Phillips is a 2020 Guggenheim Foundation Fellow. She is the author of five books, including the novel The Need, which was long-listed for the National Book Award. Phillips has received a Rona Jaffe Foundation Writer’s Award, the Italo Calvino Prize in Fabulist Fiction, the Iowa Review Nonfiction Award, the DIAGRAM Innovative Fiction Award, and a Ucross Foundation residency. A graduate of Yale and the Brooklyn College MFA program, Phillips is an associate professor at Brooklyn College.

4. 我假仙 koh 假仙

4. Góa ké-sian koh ké-sian

Góa khiā tī e̍k-sek ni̍h, àⁿ-sin tī chúi-chô téng, siang-chhiú lia̍h chúi-chô, kim-kim siòng kiàⁿ ni̍h góa ê bīn, it-ti̍t kàu he bô sêng sī góa ê bīn. Tī koh-lâi ê saⁿ kò pòaⁿ goe̍h ni̍h, che chiong hoat-tián sêng chi̍t-chióng thó-ià, bê-bâng, iū-koh hō͘ lâng khí-giàn ê si̍p-koàn.

Góa tî-liáu hoat-hiān ka-tī lú lâi lú chia̍p hām-lo̍h tī e̍k-sek kiàⁿ ni̍h ê ka-tī í-gōa, góa mā chiâⁿ gâu am-khàm góa ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Tùi Tem am-khàm, ū-sî mā tùi ka-tī am-khàm. Goán chèng hoe ê kiû-keng; goán bé chi̍t-ê joa̍h-thiⁿ iá-chhan iōng ê peng-tháng. Góa ké-sian koh ké-sian; ké-sian ê kám-kak chin hó.

M̄-koh, tī sì-goe̍h chhe 10, Tem mn̄g góa kin-nî ê tō͘-ká kè-ōe ê sî, góa ê bīn-se lak lo̍h ah. Tī chit-chióng chêng-hêng, góa -- tong-jiân -- bô siūⁿ boeh an-pâi sì-goe̍h 17 hit-kang ê kè-ōe. Kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ ùi góa ê pak-lāi éng chhut-lâi, it-ti̍t kàu góa kui-sin chi̍t-chūn léng, chi̍t-chūn joa̍h.

Tio̍h-kiaⁿ ê góa, khòaⁿ toh-á tùi-bīn ê Tem, i kim-kim siòng góa, chhiong-móa kî-thāi, ná-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ê gín-á, 40-nî lâi i chóng-sī án-ne siòng góa. Tem hām góa -- goán ê sio-ài si̍t-chāi hó-ūn.

"Tem," góa nâ-âu tīⁿ.

"Lí oke?" i kóng.

Jiân-āu i ì-sek tio̍h.

"Kai-sí, Ellie!" i tōa-siaⁿ kiò. "Lí ná tio̍h...!"

Góa iáu sī m̄-chai, tō ná tong-chho͘ góa m̄-chai kāng-khoán.

Góa tiām-tiām sî tiāu thâu-lō͘, kā bûn-kiāⁿ kau-tài chheng-chhó, Tem chhéng chi̍t lé-pài ê ká, ta̍k hun-cheng goán lóng chò-hóe, koh iau-chhiáⁿ m̄-chai-chêng ê gín-á chhut-lâi chia̍h chá-tàu (brunch）-- góa kā eⁿ-á phō tiâu-tiâu, pek yi chē tī góa ê kha-thúi, sīm-chì yi liòng sin koh hiⁿ-siaⁿ boeh cháu, it-ti̍t kàu góa put-tek-í kā kau hō͘ yin lāu-bú, góa ê chi̍t-tè sim-koaⁿ mā soan chhut-khì. Ta̍k hāng góa khòaⁿ tio̍h ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ -- ka-iû-chām, chhiū-á, seng-kî-koaiⁿ -- góa su-khó in ē án-nóa kè-sio̍k chûn-chāi, bô piàn-hòa. Tem hām góa ê seks pí kòe-khì 12 kò-goe̍h chóng-ha̍p koh-khah chē. Tī ko-tiau ê sî, góa kòa tī pòaⁿ-thiⁿ-téng, ná sîn-sian leh; ū kúi-ā kái, tī òaⁿ-òaⁿ ê ē-tàu sî, ná tio̍h-soa tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, kám-siū he bô chīn-pōng ê kám-kak. Góa boeh kóng siáⁿ ah, goán ū chhòng-siáⁿ neh? Goán ê chhiú tī phōe-toaⁿ ni̍h sio-khan. Goán chò fettuccine alfredo (Italia mī), koh ná piàⁿ-sàu chàu-kha, ná thiaⁿ kah-ì thiaⁿ ê lajíoh chiat-bo̍k. Góa kō͘ chi̍t-tiâu le̍k-sek ê pò͘-kin kā sio koh tâm ê pôaⁿ-á chhit ta.

2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17 chá-khí, góa pòaⁿ kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ peh-khui ba̍k-chiu, khòaⁿ tio̍h kng. Chit-kang í-keng kòe 6 tiám-cheng koh 4 hun-cheng, góa iáu oa̍h tio̍h. Kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, góa soah m̄-káⁿ tín-tāng, góa hòⁿ-kî sí-bông boeh án-nóa lâi. Góa ká-siat, góa it-ti̍t lóng hi-bāng i tio̍h chû-pi, tī góa thàu-chá ê un-jiû khùn-bîn tang-tiong lâi. Góa oa̍t ǹg Tem, i bô tī bîn-chhn̂g téng góa ê sin-piⁿ.

"Tem!" góa tōa-siaⁿ kiò.

Góa ê hoah-siaⁿ bōe soah, i í-keng lâi kàu mn̂g-kháu, bīn-sek pháiⁿ-khòaⁿ.

"Tem," góa pêng-tām, hoaⁿ-hí kóng. I khiā tī hia, the̍h nn̄g-ê kapi-poe, chhēng lāu-sek ê gín-á tn̂g-phâu, chāi góa khòaⁿ i chiâⁿ hó.

"Góa siūⁿ kóng, lí tit-boeh sí ah!" i hoah siaⁿ.

Góa siūⁿ kóng, lí tit-boeh sí ah. Che thiaⁿ tio̍h ka-ná sī pí-lūn ê kóng-hoat. M̄-koh, i ê ì-sù chiàⁿ-chiàⁿ sī án-ne, oân-choân sī jī-bīn ê ì-sù, hō͘ góa po̍k-chhut chiam-siaⁿ ê chhiò.

Kám ē sī sim-chōng-pēⁿ hoat-chok, tiòng-hong, poa̍h-lo̍h tē-hā-sek lâu-thui? Góa goân-pún siūⁿ boeh lâu tī bîn-chhn̂g téng, kā thâu khòe tī Tem, khòaⁿ góa kám ē-tit án-ne liu kòe chit-kang, m̄-koh kàu chá-sî 10 tiám, góa iáu oa̍h tio̍h, kám-kak chhau-hoân, táⁿ tōa. Kì-jiân he chóng sī ē lâi, ná boeh tó tī chia ai-ai oàn-oàn?

"Lán lâi chhut-khì," góa kóng.

Tem gî-sim khòaⁿ góa.

"Góa bô pēⁿ bô thiàⁿ a̍h án-nóa." Góa kā phōe-toaⁿ phiaⁿ-khui, khiā khí-lâi, lom hó góa hit-niá hó-chhēng ê kū gû-á-khò͘.

Gōa-kháu khòaⁿ tio̍h ká-ná khah hûi-hiám -- ū khó-lêng sī lak-lo̍h ê chhiū-oe, kò͘-chiong ê tiàu-chhia, chông chiūⁿ jîn-hêng-tō ê torákuh. M̄-koh, tī chhù ni̍h mā chin iông-ī lia̍h tio̍h góa -- niáu-chhí-io̍h khǹgm̄-tio̍h ūi, chia̍h bah kha̍h nâ-âu, sé-e̍k-chô ku̍t liu-liu.

"Oke," góa ná kóng ná ta̍h chhut mn̂g, Tem tī góa āu-bīn tiû-tû.

- -

4. 我假仙 koh 假仙

我徛 tī 浴室 ni̍h, àⁿ 身 tī 水槽頂, 雙手掠水槽, 金金相鏡 ni̍h 我 ê 面, 一直到 he 無成是我 ê 面. Tī 閣來 ê 三個半月 ni̍h, 這將發展成一種討厭, 迷茫, 又閣予人起癮 ê 習慣.

我除了發現家己 lú 來 lú 捷陷落 tī 浴室鏡 ni̍h ê 家己以外, 我 mā 誠 gâu 掩崁我 ê 驚惶. 對 Tem 掩崁, 有時 mā 對家己掩崁. 阮種花 ê 球莖; 阮買一个熱天野餐用 ê 冰桶. 我假仙 koh 假仙; 假仙 ê 感覺真好.

毋過, tī 四月初 10, Tem 問我今年 ê 渡假計畫 ê 時, 我 ê 面紗 lak 落 ah. Tī 這種情形, 我 -- 當然 -- 無想欲安排四月 17 彼工 ê 計畫. 驚惶 ùi 我 ê 腹內湧出來, 一直到我規身一陣冷, 一陣熱.

著驚 ê 我, 看桌仔對面 ê Tem, 伊金金相我, 充滿期待, ná 像一个囡仔, 40 年來伊總是 án-ne 相我. Tem 和我 -- 阮 ê 相愛實在好運.

"Tem," 我嚨喉滇.

"你 oke?" 伊講.

然後伊意識著.

"該死, Ellie!" 伊大聲叫. "你那著...!"

我猶是毋知, tō ná 當初我毋知仝款.

我恬恬辭掉頭路, kā 文件交代清楚, Tem 請一禮拜 ê 假, 逐分鐘阮攏做伙, koh 邀請毋知情 ê 囡仔出來食早晝 (brunch) -- 我 kā 嬰仔抱牢牢, 迫她坐 tī 我 ê 跤腿, 甚至她躘身 koh hiⁿ 聲欲走, 一直到我不得已 kā 交予姻老母, 我 ê 一塊心肝 mā soan 出去. 逐項我看著 ê 物件 -- 加油站, 樹仔, 升旗杆 -- 我思考 in 會按怎繼續存在, 無變化. Tem 和我 ê seks 比過去 12 個月總合閣較濟. Tī 高潮 ê 時, 我掛 tī 半天頂, ná 神仙 leh; 有幾若改, tī 晏晏 ê 下晝時, ná 著痧倒 tī 眠床, 感受 he 無盡磅 ê 感覺. 我欲講啥 ah, 阮有創啥 neh? 阮 ê 手 tī 被單 ni̍h 相牽. 阮做 fettuccine alfredo (Italia 麵), koh ná 拚掃灶跤, ná 聽佮意聽 ê lajíoh 節目. 我 kō͘ 一條綠色 ê 布巾 kā 燒 koh 澹 ê 盤仔拭焦.

2043 年四月 17 早起, 我半驚惶擘開目睭, 看著光. 這工已經過 6 點鐘 koh 4 分鐘, 我猶活著. 驚一趒, 我煞毋敢振動, 我好奇死亡欲按怎來. 我假設, 我一直攏希望伊著慈悲, tī 我透早 ê 溫柔睏眠當中來. 我越 ǹg Tem, 伊無 tī 眠床頂我 ê 身邊.

"Tem!" 我大聲叫.

我 ê 喝聲未煞, 伊已經來到門口, 面色歹看.

"Tem," 我平淡, 歡喜講. 伊徛 tī 遐, 提兩个 kapi 杯, 穿老式 ê 囡仔長袍, 在我看伊誠好.

"我想講, 你得欲死 ah!" 伊喝聲.

我想講, 你得欲死 ah. 這聽著 ka-ná 是比論 ê 講法. 毋過, 伊 ê 意思正正是 án-ne, 完全是字面 ê意思, 予我爆出尖聲 ê 笑.

敢會是心臟病發作, 中風, 跋落地下室樓梯? 我原本想欲留 tī 眠床頂, kā 頭蹶 tī Tem, 看我敢會得 án-ne 溜過這工, 毋過到早時 10 點, 我猶活著, 感覺操煩, 膽大. 既然 he 總是會來, 那欲倒 tī 遮哀哀怨怨?

"咱來出去," 我講.

Tem 疑心看我.

"我無病無疼 a̍h 按怎." 我 kā 被單抨開, 徛起來, lom 好我彼領好穿 ê 舊牛仔褲.

外口看著 ká-ná 較危險 -- 有可能是 lak 落 ê 樹椏, 故障 ê 吊車, 傱上人行道 ê torákuh. 毋過, tī 厝 ni̍h mā 真容易掠著我 -- 鳥鼠藥囥毋著位, 食肉闔嚨喉, 洗浴槽滑溜溜.

"Oke," 我 ná 講 ná 踏出門, Tem tī 我後面躊躇.

- -

4.

I stood there in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, clinging to the sink, staring at my face in the mirror until it no longer felt like my face. This would develop into a distasteful and disorienting but addictive habit over the course of the next three and a half months.

Aside from the increasing frequency with which I found myself falling into myself in the bathroom mirror, I got pretty good at hiding my dread. From Tem, and even at times from myself. We planted bulbs; we bought a cooler for summer picnics. I pretended and pretended; it felt nice to pretend.

Yet when Tem asked, on April 10, what I’d planned for this year’s getaway, the veil fell away. Given the circumstance, I had — of course — neglected to make any plans for the 17th. The dread rushed outward from my gut until my entire body was hot and cold.

Panicking, I looked across the table at Tem, who was gazing at me openly, hopefully, boyishly, the way he’d looked at me for almost four decades. Tem and I — we’ve been so lucky in love.

“Tem,” I choked.

“You okay?” he said.

And then he realized.

“Damn it, Ellie!” he yelled. “Why’d you have to — !”

I still didn’t know, just as I hadn’t known way back then.

I quietly quit my job, handed in the paperwork, and Tem took the week off, and we spent every minute together and invited the blissfully ignorant kids out for brunch (I clutched the baby, forced her to stay in my lap even as she tried to wiggle and whine her way out, until eventually I had to hand her over to her mother, a chunk of my heart squirming away from me). Everything I saw — a gas station, a tree, a flagpole — I thought how it would go on existing, just the same. Tem and I had more sex than we’d had in the previous twelve months combined. Briefly I hung suspended and immortal in orgasm, and a few times, lying sun-stroked in bed in the late afternoon, felt infinite. What can I say, what did we do? We held hands under the covers. We made fettuccine alfredo and, cleaning the kitchen, listened to our favorite radio show. I dried the dishes with a green dishcloth, warm and damp.

On the morning of April 17, 2043, I was half-amazed to open my eyes to the light. Six hours and four minutes into the day, and I was alive. Petrified, scared to move even a muscle, I wondered how death would come for me. I supposed I’d been hoping it would come mercifully, in the soft sleep of early morning. I turned to Tem, who wasn’t in bed beside me.

“Tem!” I screamed.

He was in the doorway before I’d reached the “m,” his face stricken.

“Tem,” I said plaintively, joyously. He looked so good to me, standing there holding two coffee mugs, his ancient baby-blue robe.

“I thought you were dying!” he exclaimed.

I thought you were dying. It sounded like a figure of speech. But he meant it so literally, so very literally, that I gave a short sharp laugh.

Would it be a heart attack, a stroke, a tumble down the basement stairs? I had the inclination to stay in bed resting my head on Tem, see if I might somehow sneak through the day, but by 10 a.m. I was still alive and feeling antsy, bold. Why lie here whimpering when it was coming for me no matter what?

“Let’s go out,” I said.

Tem looked at me doubtfully.

“It’s not like I’m sick or anything.” I threw the sheets aside, stood up, pulled on my old comfy jeans.

The outside seemed more dangerous — there it could be a falling branch, a malfunctioning crane, a truck raring up onto the sidewalk. But it could just as easily catch me at home — misplaced rat poison, a chunk of meat lodged in my throat, a slick bathtub.

“Okay,” I said as I stepped out the door, Tem hesitant behind me.

- -

3. 知影這, 提高我 ê 生活

3. Chai-iáⁿ che, thê-ko góa ê seng-oa̍h

Tem piàⁿ-miā boeh bē-kì i thiaⁿ tio̍h ê, m̄-koh ta̍k-kái nā boeh kàu sì-goe̍h 17 ê sî, góa kám-kak ē-chhut i ū ì-sek tio̍h, khòaⁿ góa ê hong-sek ū sió-khóa koh-iūⁿ, iā un-jiû, iā khì-náu, kap-kap chò chi̍t-hóe. "Oh," góa ji̍p-mn̂g ê sî, i tōa-la̍t khòaⁿ chúi-sian hoe (hoe koáiⁿ í-keng lo̍h-nńg), i ē án-ne kóng. "He..."

Góa ē ūi goán tī ko-kip chhan-thiaⁿ tēng-ūi; góa ē an-pâi chi̍t-ê chiu-boat chhut-gōa. Tī kui-nî ê ki-thaⁿ sî-kan, goán sió-sim pī-bián chit-chióng chhia-hoa. Tông-sî, góa chhit-goe̍h ê seⁿ-ji̍t mā tī sit chù-ì tang-tiong chhìn-chhái kòe.

Tem tō thò͘ chi̍t-kháu khùi, khai-sí khoán kòe-mê ê hêng-lí. Tī chho͘ chhun ê hân-léng ni̍h, goán chē tī soaⁿ-lūn téng chi̍t-keng bîn-sok gîm-chîⁿ ê iô-í lim kapi. Tem tùi góa chin khóng-khài; che sī kui-nî lāi i siōng bô kah-ì ê chi̍t-kang, m̄-koh i chin gâu ké-sian; goán sàn-pō͘. Goán chia̍h ais-krím. He sī gōng tòng-tòng ê sió-sió oke-páng ah.

Chāi gōa-lâng lâi khòaⁿ, góa ê seng-oa̍h chèng-siông -- pêng-sūn bô khí-lo̍h, chin ê -- m̄-koh, góa kā lí kóng, he chin hong-hù, chi̍t-iân koh chi̍t-iân, lóng chin ū liāu. Góa lí-kái, che put-kò khòaⁿ tio̍h ná 2.2 ê gín-á hiah-nī sù-siông, chia̍h chi̍t-hūn kong-ka thâu-lō͘, hun-in seng-oa̍h kú-kú tn̂g-tn̂g, phó͘-phó͘ thong-thong ê chiok-hok kap kàn-kiāu, m̄-koh ū chē-chē sî-chūn, ē-sái kóng sī sǹg bē-liáu ê sî-chūn -- gín-á iáu sè-hàn ê sî, kā in boah sap-bûn sé thâu-mo͘, chi̍t-ê chiáu-á chhi-chhi chhā-chhā ê pài-gō͘ chá-khí, ùi thêng-chhia-tiûⁿ kiâⁿ khì pān-kong-sek, pòaⁿ-mê phīⁿ tio̍h Tem ām-kún āu-bīn ê hiàn. Góa ē-sái kóng siáⁿ ah. Góa bô siūⁿ boeh siuⁿ tiōng kám-chêng, m̄-koh chiah-ê lóng m̄-sī sió tāi-chì. Kóng chi̍t-kù lán chit-ê sî-tāi ê chhàu-sng ōe: pi-siong koah lú chhim, té ē-lo̍h ê khoài-lo̍k tō lú chē. Tī chia, góa bô boeh kóng hiah-ê khí-khí lo̍h-lo̍h, làu-the, chhia-hō, so͘-oán, kap hoat-seng tī goán sió-tī ê tāi-chì, m̄-koh góa boeh kóng, téng-bīn hit-kù ōe kóng liáu chin tio̍h.

Sì-goe̍h 17. Tī góa chai-iáⁿ 2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17 chìn-chêng, góa í-keng bat 31-pái kòe chit-ê ji̍t-chí ah. Chai-iáⁿ lán í-keng keng-kòe lán ê sí-bông ji̍t-chí chē-chē kái, tòe ji̍t-chí ê sóa-se̍h koh ta̍k-nî teh keng-kòe i, án-ne kám m̄-sī chin khó-phà? Nā the̍h tiāu chit-ê sîn-pì, hō͘ lán chin-chiàⁿ chai-iáⁿ, mài hō͘ ta̍k-kang lóng sêng-tam tōa-tōa ū khó-lêng sī chi̍t-ê lâng ê sí-bông ji̍t-chí, án-ne kám m̄-sī hoān-sè ē-tàng sió-khóa kiám-khin chit-chióng khióng-pò͘?

Góa m̄-chai chit-ê būn-tê ê tap-àn.

2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17. Chai-iáⁿ che, thê-ko góa ê seng-oa̍h. Chai-iáⁿ che, mā hō͘ góa ê seng-oa̍h ū hū-tam. Góa hiō-hóe góa chai-iáⁿ. Góa mā kám-siā góa chai-iáⁿ.

Góa m̄-sī thiàu chhiū-leng-soh (bungee) a̍h thiàu-sòaⁿ hit-lūi ê lâng, m̄-koh, tī chi̍t-kóa sió só͘-chāi, góa ê seng-oa̍h pí pa̍t-lâng khah ióng-kám. Pí-lūn kóng, pí Tem khah chāi-táⁿ. Góa chai-iáⁿ, tang-sî kiaⁿ-sí, tio̍h, m̄-koh án-ne mā tāi-piáu, góa chai-iáⁿ tang-sî m̄-bián kiaⁿ he. Góa bat tī keh-lī kî-kan khì kám-á tiàm bé mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Góa bat tī pēⁿ-īⁿ chò gī-kang, tī hong-seh tang-tiong sái-chhia, chē ē tò-thâu-chai ê hui-thian-chhia, he Tem m̄-khéng hō͘ gín-á chē.

M̄-koh, góa tio̍h sêng-jīn, 2042-nî 12 goe̍h 31 tùi góa sī ke̍k khióng-pò͘ ê ji̍t-chí.

"Lí oke bô?" gín-á lóng tńg-khì liáu, Tem mn̄g góa. Goán tú chiau-thāi ta̍k-ê chia̍h nî-bóe pn̄g, pau-hâm gín-á hām in ê phòe-ngó͘, iáu ū goán kiáⁿ la̍k kò-goe̍h tōa ê eⁿ-á, iā tō sī goán tōa-hàn sun, sin kah ná kim sih-sih ê sin gîn-kak-á. Tī chia̍h-pn̄g toh, goán hit-ê khai-lóng ê chă-kiáⁿ hām yin pì-sù ê ang soan-pò͘, kóng in ê kî-thāi sī peh-goe̍h. Tī chhá-nāu kap chàn-thàn tang-tiong, bô lâng chù-ì tio̍h, góa bô hoah-hiu a̍h chàn-thàn. Hit-ê gín-á bān sì kò-goe̍h, góa tú bē-tio̍h. Hit-chióng thiàⁿ chin tōa, chiok tōa. Góa kóng bē chhut chhùi. Góa khòaⁿ in -- sio-lám, tah chhiú-sim -- ná-chhiūⁿ ùi po-lê piah āu-bīn khòaⁿ.

"Oh thiⁿ ah, Ellie," Tem kóng kah sim kan-khó͘, phiaⁿ hiòng àm-àm kheh-thiaⁿ ni̍h ê phòng-í. "Oh thiⁿ ah."

"Bô siáⁿ," góa kā phiàn, tòe i chē lo̍h phòng-í. "Kin-nî bô siáⁿ."

Tem un-un jiû-jiû kā góa lám, sim-chêng khin-sang, góa kám-kak chin chân-jím. Góa bô hoat-tō͘ jím-siū ka-tī. Góa khiā khí-lâi, kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ kah khiā bē chāi, pái-leh pái-leh kiâⁿ hiòng e̍k-sek.

"Ellie?" i kóng. "Lí ná ē pái-kha?"

"Góa ê kha bâ khì," góa koh kā phiàn, sûi kā sin āu ê mn̂g hut-leh koaiⁿ khí-lâi. 

- -

3. 知影這, 提高我 ê 生活

Tem 拚命欲袂記伊聽著 ê, 毋過逐改若欲到四月 17 ê 時, 我感覺會出伊有意識著, 看我 ê 方式有小可各樣, 也溫柔, 也氣惱, 敆㪉做一伙. "Oh," 我入門 ê 時, 伊大力看水仙花 (花稈已經落軟), 伊會 án-ne 講. "彼..."

我會為阮 tī 高級餐廳訂位; 我會安排一个週末出外. Tī 規年 ê 其他時間, 阮小心避免這種奢華. 同時, 我七月 ê 生日 mā tī 失注意當中凊彩過.

Tem tō 吐一口氣, 開始款過暝 ê 行李. Tī 初春 ê 寒冷 ni̍h, 阮坐 tī 山崙頂一間民宿砛簷 ê 搖椅啉 kapi. Tem 對我真慷慨; 這是規年內伊上無佮意 ê 一工, 毋過伊真 gâu 假仙; 阮散步. 阮食 ais-krím. 彼是戇 tòng-tòng ê 小小 oke-páng ah.

在外人來看, 我 ê 生活正常 -- 平順無起落, 真 ê -- 毋過, 我 kā 你講, 彼真豐富, 一沿 koh 一沿, 攏真有料. 我理解, 這不過看著 ná 2.2 个囡仔 hiah-nī 四常, 食一份公家頭路, 婚姻生活久久長長, 普普通通 ê 祝福 kap 姦撟, 毋過有濟濟時陣, 會使講是算袂了 ê 時陣 -- 囡仔猶細漢 ê 時, kā in 抹雪文洗頭毛, 一个鳥仔 chhi-chhi chhā-chhā ê 拜五早起, ùi 停車場行去辦公室, 半暝鼻著 Tem 頷頸後面 ê 羶. 我會使講啥 ah. 我無想欲 siuⁿ 重感情, 毋過 chiah-ê 攏毋是小代誌. 講一句咱這个時代 ê 臭酸話: 悲傷割 lú 深, 貯會落 ê 快樂 tō lú 濟. Tī 遮, 我無欲講 hiah-ê 起起落落, 落胎, 車禍, 疏遠, kap 發生 tī 阮小弟 ê 代誌, 毋過我欲講, 頂面彼句話講了真著.

四月 17. Tī 我知影 2043 年四月 17 進前, 我已經捌 31 擺過這个日子 ah. 知影咱已經經過咱 ê 死亡日子濟濟改, 綴日子 ê 徙踅 koh 逐年 teh 經過伊, án-ne 敢毋是真可怕? 若提掉這个神祕, 予咱真正知影, 莫予逐工攏承擔大大有可能是一个人 ê 死亡日子, án-ne 敢毋是凡勢會當小可減輕這種恐怖?

我毋知這个問題 ê 答案.

2043 年四月 17. 知影這, 提高我 ê 生活. 知影這, mā 予我 ê 生活有負擔. 我後悔我知影. 我 mā 感謝我知影.

我毋是跳樹奶索 (bungee) a̍h 跳傘彼類 ê 人, 毋過, tī 一寡小所在, 我 ê 生活比別人較勇敢. 比論講, 比 Tem 較在膽. 我知影, 當時驚死, 著, 毋過 án-ne mā 代表, 我知影當時毋免驚彼. 我捌 tī 隔離期間去 kám 仔店買物件. 我捌 tī 病院做義工, tī 風雪當中駛車, 坐會倒頭栽 ê 飛天車, 彼 Tem 毋肯予囡仔坐.

毋過, 我著承認, 2042 年 12 月 31 對我是極恐怖 ê 日子.

"你 oke 無?" 囡仔攏轉去了, Tem 問我. 阮拄招待逐个食年尾飯, 包含囡仔和 in ê 配偶, 猶有阮囝六個月大 ê 嬰仔, 也就是阮大漢孫, 新甲 ná 金爍爍 ê 新銀角仔. Tī 食飯桌, 阮彼个開朗 ê chă 囝和姻閉思 ê 翁宣布, 講 in ê 期待是八月. Tī 吵鬧 kap 讚嘆當中, 無人注意著, 我無喝咻 a̍h 讚嘆. 彼个囡仔慢四個月, 我拄袂著. 彼種疼真大, 足大. 我講袂出喙. 我看 in -- 相攬, 搭手心 -- ná 像 ùi 玻璃壁後面看.

"Oh 天 ah, Ellie," Tem 講甲心艱苦, 抨向暗暗客廳 ni̍h ê 膨椅. "Oh 天 ah."

"無啥," 我 kā 騙, 綴伊坐落膨椅. "今年無啥."

Tem 溫溫柔柔 kā 我攬, 心情輕鬆, 我感覺真殘忍. 我無法度忍受家己. 我徛起來, 驚惶甲徛袂在, 跛 leh 跛 leh 行向浴室.

"Ellie?" 伊講. "你那會跛跤?"

"我 ê 跤麻去," 我 koh kā 騙, 隨 kā 身後 ê 門 hut-leh 關起來. 

- -

3.

Tem tried hard to forget what he’d heard, but every time April 17 came around again, I could feel his awareness of it, a slight buzz in the way he looked at me, tenderness and fury rolled up in one. “Oh,” he’d say, staring hard at the daffodils (their stems already weakening) as I stepped through the door. “That.”

I’d make a reservation for us at a fancy restaurant; I’d schedule a weekend getaway. Luxuries we spent the whole rest of the year carefully avoiding. Meanwhile, my birthday languished unnoticed in July.

Tem would sigh and pack his overnight case. We sat drinking coffee in rocking chairs on the front porch of a bed-and-breakfast on a hill in the chill of early spring. Tem was generous to me; it was his least favorite day of the year, but he managed to pretend; we’d stroll. We’d eat ice cream. The silly little band-aids.

My life would seem normal — bland, really — to an outside observer, but I tell you that for me it has been rich, layered and rich. I realize that it just looks like 2.2 children, a bureaucratic job and a long marriage, an average number of blessings and curses, but there have been so many moments, almost an infinity of moments — soaping up the kids’ hair when they were tiny, walking from the parking lot to the office on a bird-studded Friday morning, smelling the back of Tem’s neck in the middle of the night. What can I say. I don’t mean to be sentimental, but these are not small things. As the cliché of our time goes, the deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. This is no time to go into the ups and downs, the stillbirths and the car accident and the estrangement and what happened to my brother, but I will say that I believe the above statement to be true.

April 17. I’d lived that date thirty-one times already before I learned about April 17, 2043. Isn’t it macabre to know that we’ve lived the date of our death many times, passing by it each year as the calendar turns? And doesn’t it perhaps deflate that horror just a bit to take the mystery out of it, to actually know, to not have every date bear the heavy possibility of someday being the date of one’s death?

I do not know the answer to this question.

April 17, 2043. The knowledge heightened my life. The knowledge burdened my life. I regretted knowing. I was grateful to know.

I’ve never been the type to bungee jump or skydive, yet in many small ways I lived more courageously than others. More courageously than Tem, for instance. I knew when to fear death, yes, but that also meant I knew when not to fear it. I’d gone to the grocery store during times of quarantine. I’d volunteered at the hospital, driven in blizzards, ridden roller coasters so rickety Tem wouldn’t let the kids on them.

But I have to admit that December 31, 2042, was a fearful day for me.

“Are you okay?” Tem said after the kids had gone home. We’d hosted everyone for a last supper of the year, both children and their spouses, and our son’s six-month-old, our first grandchild, bright as a brand-new penny. At the dinner table, our radiant daughter and her bashful husband announced that they were expecting in August. Amid the raucous cheers and exclamations, no one noticed that I wasn’t cheering or exclaiming. The child I’d miss by four months. The ache was vast, vast. I couldn’t speak. I watched them, their hugs and high-fives, as though from behind a glass wall.

“Oh god, Ellie,” Tem said painfully, sinking onto the couch in the dark living room. “Oh god.”

“No,” I lied, joining him on the couch. “Not this year.”

Tem embraced me so warmly, with such relief, that I felt cruel. I couldn’t bear myself. I stood up and, unsteady with dread, limped toward the bathroom.

“Ellie?” he said. “You’re limping?”

“My foot fell asleep,” I lied again, yanking the door shut behind me.

- -

2. 獨自知影這, 真孤單

2. To̍k-chū chai-iáⁿ che, chin ko͘-toaⁿ

"Oke lah, kau hō͘ góa," i kóng. Ōe kóng kah chin khin, ná chhiūⁿ chin hoaⁿ-hí, m̄-koh góa khòaⁿ ē-chhut, che sī i só͘ kóng kòe siōng khùn-lân ê gō͘ ê jī. Góa chiù-chōa, bē koh chek-pī Tem bô-táⁿ. Góa mā o-ló ka-tī, in-ūi góa ti̍t-chiap ùi koaⁿ-thiaⁿ pān-kong-sek cháu khì ūn-hô, in-ūi góa khiā tī sí le̍k ê chúi siōng, in-ūi góa koh chi̍t-kái gán hit-tiuⁿ chóa, in-ūi góa kā liah kah chīn-liōng sè-sè phìⁿ, sui-bóng khí-thâu he tō sī sió-sió chi̍t-phìⁿ niā-niā, in-ūi góa kā phiaⁿ tī ū kang-chhióng khì-bī ê bî-hong ni̍h. Hit-sî, góa jīn-ûi tio̍h án-ne chò, taⁿ, góa chai án-ne chò bô m̄-tio̍h. Tem bô su-iàu hām hit-tiuⁿ chóa seng-oa̍h tī kāng chi̍t-ê chhù-khak-ē.

"Góa bô," góa bêng-pe̍k kā kóng.

"Lí bô?" i chhoán chi̍t-ē khùi, kha̍h tī hoaⁿ-hí kap bē hun-bêng tiong-kan. "Lí sī kóng, lí kái-piàn lí ê..." 

Khó-liân ê Tem.

"Góa ū the̍h-tio̍h," góa kóng, bián tán i kóng liáu siuⁿ hn̄g. "Góa ū the̍h-tio̍h, jiân-āu góa kā hiat-tiāu."

I kim-kim khòaⁿ góa, teh tán.

"Góa sī kóng, tán góa kì-tiâu liáu, tong-jiân."

Góa khòaⁿ i teh siau-hong.

"Lín-niâ leh," i kóng. "Chin pháiⁿ-sè, lín-niâ leh."

"Hó lah," góa tông-chêng kóng. "Góa chai lah."

"Lí tong-jiân chai!" i khì phut-phut, lia̍h góa ê ōe. "Lí chai! Lí chai!"

I lia̍h chheⁿ-kông, khì phut-phut, kā góa lia̍h tio̍h, ná khàu, ná phak tī góa ê sin-khu. Góa thoa i iân thiaⁿ-kháu lâi kàu hit-chō kū phòng-í.

Tán i chēng lo̍h-lâi, i piàn ah. Piàn kah hoān-sè hām í-chêng lóng bô kāng ah.

"Kóng hō͘ góa chai," i léng-chēng hā-lēng. I ê siaⁿ sè kah góa kiông boeh thiaⁿ bē tio̍h.

"Lí khak-tēng?" góa mn̄g. Góa ê siaⁿ thiaⁿ tio̍h siuⁿ hiáng, siuⁿ ngē. Tī hit-ê sî-chūn, góa hoat-hiān góa ka-tī, góa tùi boeh-ài chai-iáⁿ ê kian-chhî chhim-chhim hō͘ lâng thó-ià. Góa khòaⁿ bô ka-tī, tō ná-chhiūⁿ Tem ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā khòaⁿ góa bô kāng-khoán. Hut-jiân, ká-ná chin khó-lêng góa í-keng hoān tio̍h tōa chai-lān ah. Hit-chióng chhò-ngō͘ khó-lêng húi-tiāu góa ê āu pòaⁿ sì-lâng.

Tem tìm-thâu, sì-sì chiàⁿ-chiàⁿ siòng góa.

Góa khí kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ; hiah-nī tōa-táⁿ khì tui-kiû tì-sek ê góa, taⁿ soah m̄-káⁿ kóng chhut chi̍t-ê ji̍t-chí.

Tem koh tìm-thâu, khòng-chè hó ka-tī, kan-khó͘ chē-kòa. Kóng hō͘ chai sī góa ê chek-jīm.

"Sì-goe̍h 17..." góa khai-sí kóng, iáu-bōe kóng nî-tō͘.

M̄-koh, góa bōe kóng-liáu, Tem tō hoah-siaⁿ. "Tòng leh!" i tōa kiò, kō͘ chéng-thâu-á that hīⁿ-khang, sit-khì i ê léng-chēng. "Tòng-tiām, tòng-tiām, tòng-tiām! Mài kóng ah! Góa bô-ài thiaⁿ! Bô-ài! Boaih, boaih, boaih!"

"OKE!" Góa kō͘ jiáng ê, tōa-siaⁿ kah thàng-kòe i ê chéng-thâu-á hō͘ i thiaⁿ tio̍h. To̍k-chū chai-iáⁿ chit-ê tì-sek chin ko͘-toaⁿ -- it-ti̍t lóng sī hiah ko͘-toaⁿ. 2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17: góa thâu-náu ni̍h ê chi̍t-ê chhiah-chheⁿ. M̄-koh, he iáu-sī chiàu-siông án-ne. He sī góa ê soán-te̍k. Tem hi-bāng mài ū khan-liân, góa mā bē khì khan-liân i.

He sǹg sī bē-bái ê hòe-siū. Bô-kàu tn̂g -- kám bat ū-kàu? -- m̄-koh í-keng ū-kàu kòe it-seng; ū-kàu chia̍h thâu-lō͘, chhiâⁿ kiáⁿ-jî, hoān-sè koh tú ē-tio̍h chi̍t/nn̄g ê sun. Tong-jiân ū khah sok-té, khah té kòe pêng-kin sò͘; tio̍h, siuⁿ té; m̄-koh mā bē té kah siuⁿ pi-chhám.

Só͘-í, tī kok hong-bīn góa ē-tàng chhiūⁿ jīm-hô kî-thaⁿ ê lâng kāng-khoán kòe seng-oa̍h. Ná chhiūⁿ Tem án-ne. Góa ē-tàng khin-khin sang-sang oa̍h lo̍h, tîm-chùi tī ka-tī ê ū-ê bô-ê, bián khòaⁿ siuⁿ hn̄g, tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ bē-kì-tit lâng lóng tio̍h sí. M̄-koh, nā kóng góa ta̍k-kang lóng kòe kah bô khì siūⁿ tio̍h 2043-nî sì-goe̍h 17, he mā sī pe̍h-chha̍t.

Tī khah chá ê nî-tō͘, múi-kái ê sì-goe̍h tiong-sûn, góa chóng hām-lo̍h chi̍t-ê o͘-sek ê chêng-sū. Góa ē kúi-ā kang tó tī bîn-chhn̂g, phōe-toaⁿ lia̍h tiâu-tiâu, sim-koaⁿ chéng oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. Tem ho̍k-sāi góa chia̍h be̍h-phìⁿ, lim tê. M̄-koh, tán gín-á chhut-sì, góa tō bô sî-kan án-ne théng-sēng ka-tī, góa tō khai-sí kā sì-goe̍h 17 kòe hō͘ khah sè, khah chhin-chhiat. Ē ka-tī bé chi̍t-ê sió lé-mi̍h, chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng chi̍t tiâu o͘-chokolet, a̍h chi̍t-sok chúi-sian hoe. Tòe sî-kan teh kòe, góa ín-chún ka-tī ū sió-khóa khah iù-lō͘ ê oa̍h-tāng -- chi̍t-niá sin saⁿ, tī bó͘ chi̍t-keng an-chēng ê chiú-pa lim ē-tàu sî ê champagne /sham.pén/. Tī sì-goe̍h 17, góa chóng-sī kám-kak chin phok-sóng; góa lâu 25% ê sió-hùi, sàng chi̍t-tiuⁿ 5-kho͘ bí-kim hō͘ góa tú tio̍h ê liû-lōng-hàn. Chîⁿ téng-téng, lán sī chah bē cháu.

- -

2. 獨自知影這, 真孤單

"Oke lah, 交予我," 伊講. 話講甲真輕, ná 像真歡喜, 毋過我看會出, 這是伊所講過上困難 ê 五个字. 我咒誓, 袂 koh 責備 Tem 無膽. 我 mā o-ló 家己, 因為我直接 ùi 官廳辦公室走去運河, 因為我徛 tī 死綠 ê 水上, 因為我 koh 一改眼彼張紙, 因為我 kā liah 甲盡量細細片, 雖罔起頭 he 就是小小一片 niā-niā, 因為我 kā 抨 tī 有工廠氣味 ê 微風 ni̍h. 彼時, 我認為著 án-ne 做, 今, 我知 án-ne 做無毋著. Tem 無需要和彼張紙生活 tī 仝一个厝殼下.

"我無," 我明白 kā 講.

"你無?" 伊喘一下氣, kha̍h tī 歡喜 kap 袂分明中間. "你是講, 你改變你 ê..." 

可憐 ê Tem.

"我有提著," 我講, 免等伊講了 siuⁿ 遠. "我有提著, 然後我 kā 㧒掉."

伊金金看我, teh 等.

"我是講, 等我記牢了, 當然."

我看伊 teh 消風.

"恁娘 leh," 伊講. "真歹勢, 恁娘 leh."

"好 lah," 我同情講. "我知 lah."

"你當然知!" 伊氣怫怫, 掠我 ê 話. "你知! 你知!"

伊掠青狂, 氣怫怫, kā 我掠著, ná 哭, ná 仆 tī 我 ê 身軀. 我拖伊沿廳口來到彼座舊膨椅.

等伊靜落來, 伊變 ah. 變甲凡勢和以前攏無仝 ah.

"講予我知," 伊冷靜下令. 伊 ê 聲細甲我強欲聽袂著.

"你確定?" 我問. 我 ê 聲聽著 siuⁿ 響, siuⁿ 硬. Tī 彼个時陣, 我發現我家己, 我對欲愛知影 ê 堅持深深予人討厭. 我看無家己, tō ná 像 Tem ê 一部份定著 mā 看我無仝款. 忽然, ká-ná 真可能我已經犯著大災難 ah. 彼種錯誤可能毀掉我 ê 後半世人.

Tem 頕頭, 四四正正相我.

我起驚惶; hiah-nī 大膽去追求智識 ê 我, 今煞毋敢講出一个日子.

Tem koh 頕頭, 控制好家己, 艱苦罪過. 講予知是我 ê 責任.

"四月 17..." 我開始講, 猶未講年度.

毋過, 我未講了, Tem tō 喝聲. "擋 leh!" 伊大叫, kō͘ 指頭仔窒耳空, 失去伊 ê 冷靜. "擋恬, 擋恬, 擋恬! 莫講 ah! 我無愛聽! 無愛! Boaih, boaih, boaih!"

"OKE!" Góa kō͘ 嚷 ê, 大聲甲迵過伊 ê 指頭仔予伊聽著. 獨自知影這个智識真孤單 -- 一直攏是 hiah 孤單. 2043 年四月 17: 我頭腦 ni̍h ê 一个刺青. 毋過, 彼猶是照常 án-ne. 彼是我 ê 選擇. Tem 希望莫有牽連, 我 mā 袂去牽連伊.

彼算是袂䆀 ê 歲壽. 無夠長 -- 敢捌有夠? -- 毋過已經有夠過一生; 有夠食頭路, 晟囝兒, 凡勢 koh 拄會著一兩个孫. 當然有較縮短, 較短過平均數; 著, siuⁿ 短; 毋過 mā 袂短甲 siuⁿ 悲慘.

所以, tī 各方面我會當像任何其他 ê 人仝款過生活. Ná 像 Tem án-ne. 我會當輕輕鬆鬆活落, 沉醉 tī 家己 ê 有 ê 無 ê, 免看 siuⁿ 遠, 定定袂記得人攏著死. 毋過, 若講我逐工攏過甲無去想著 2043 年四月 17, 彼 mā 是白賊.

Tī 較早 ê 年度, 每改 ê 四月中旬, 我總陷落一个烏色 ê 情緒. 我會幾若工倒 tī 眠床, 被單掠牢牢, 心肝腫 oaiⁿ-oaiⁿ. Tem 服侍我食麥片, 啉茶. 毋過, 等囡仔出世, 我 tō 無時間 án-ne 寵倖家己, 我 tō 開始 kā 四月 17 過予較細, 較親切. 會家己買一个小禮物, 親像講一條烏 chokolet, a̍h 一束水仙花. 綴時間 teh 過, 我允准家己有小可較幼路 ê 活動 -- 一領新衫, tī 某一間安靜 ê 酒吧啉下晝時 ê champagne /sham.pén/. Tī 四月 17, 我總是感覺真博爽; 我留 25% ê 小費, 送一張 5 箍美金予我拄著 ê 流浪漢. 錢等等, 咱是扎袂走.

- -

2.

“Okay, lay it on me,” he said. The words were light, almost jovial, but I could tell they were the five hardest words he’d ever uttered. I swore to never again accuse Tem of being less than courageous. And I applauded myself for going straight from the bureaucratic office to the canal, for standing there above the sickly greenish water, for glancing once more at the piece of paper, for tearing it into as many scraps as possible though it was essentially a scrap to begin with, for dropping it into the factory-scented breeze. I’d thought it was the right thing to do, and now I knew it was. Tem should not have to live under the same roof with that piece of paper.

“I don’t have it,” I said brightly.

“You don’t?” he gasped, suspended between joy and confusion. “You mean you changed your — ”

Poor Tem.

“I got it,” I said, before he could go too far down that road. “I got it, and then I got rid of it.”

He stared at me, waiting.

“I mean, after memorizing it, of course.”

I watched him deflate.

“Fuck you,” he said. “I’m sorry, but fuck you.”

“Yeah,” I said sympathetically. “I know.”

“You do know!” he raged, seizing upon the word. “You know! You know!”

He was thrashing about, he was so pissed, he was grabbing me, he was weeping, he half-collapsed upon me. I navigated us down the hallway to the old couch.

When he finally quieted, he was different. Maybe different than he’d ever been.

“Tell me,” he calmly commanded. His voice just at the threshold of my hearing.

“Are you sure?” I said. My voice sounded too loud, too hard. In that moment I found myself, my insistence on knowing, profoundly annoying. I despised myself as part of Tem surely despised me then. Suddenly it seemed quite likely that I’d made a catastrophic error. The kind of error that could ruin the rest of my life.

Tem nodded, gazed evenly at me.

I became wildly scared; I who’d so boldly sought knowledge now did not even dare give voice to a date.

Tem nodded again, controlled, miserable. It was my responsibility to inform him.

“April 17 — ” I began.

But Tem shrieked before I could finish. “Stop!” he cried, shoving his fingers into his ears, his calmness vanished. “Stop stop stop stop! Never mind! I don’t want to know! Don’t! Don’t don’t don’t!”

“OKAY!” I screamed, loud enough that he could hear it through his fingers. It was lonely — ever so lonely — to hold this knowledge alone. April 17, 2043: a tattoo inside my brain. But it was as it should be. It was the choice I had made. Tem wished to be spared, and spare him I would.

It was an okay lifespan. Not enough — is it ever enough? — but enough to have a life; enough to work a job, to raise children, perhaps to meet a grandchild or two. Certainly abbreviated, though; shorter than average; too short, yes; but not tragically short.

And so in many ways I could live a life like any other. Like Tem’s. I could go blithely along, indulging my petty concerns, lacking perspective, frequently forgetting I wasn’t immortal. Yet it would be a lie if I said a single day passed without me thinking about April 17, 2043.

In those early years, I’d sink into a black mood come mid-April. I’d lie in bed for a couple of days, clinging to the sheets, my heart a big swollen wound. Tem would bring me cereal, tea. But after the kids were born I had no time for such self-indulgence, and I began to mark April 17 in smaller, kinder ways. Would buy myself a tiny gift, a bar of dark chocolate or a clutch of daffodils. As time went on, I permitted myself slightly more elaborate gestures — a new dress, an afternoon champagne at some hushed bar. I always felt extravagant on April 17; I’d leave a tip of twenty-five percent, hand out a five-dollar bill to any vagrant who happened to cross my path. You can’t take it with you and all that.

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Y. Chai-iáⁿ ê lâng | 知影 ê 人 - 1. 我想欲知影

The Knowers /by Helen Phillips
https://electricliterature.com/the-knowers-helen-phillips/

Chai-iáⁿ ê lâng | 知影 ê 人

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1. Góa siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ

Ū lâng siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ, mā ū lâng bô-ài chai-iáⁿ. Thâu-khí-seng, tī góa kóng góa siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ ê sî, Tem kō͘ i he ké-gâu ê hong-sek chok-lōng góa (tiak góa ê leng-thâu, kō͘ pô-tô tìm góa ê phīⁿ); tán i chai-iáⁿ góa m̄-sī kóng-chhiò, i khai-sí kín-tiuⁿ, tán i khak-tēng góa khak-si̍t hit-ê ì-sù, i ê kín-tiuⁿ piàn-chò khióng-pò͘.

"Ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h?" pòaⁿ-mê i ba̍k-sái lâu ba̍k-sái tih án-ne mn̄g. "Ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h, siáⁿ-mi̍h, siáⁿ-mi̍h?"

Góa bô hoat-tō͘ kā ìn. Góa mā bô tap-àn.

"Che m̄-nā kan-ta lí, lí chai lah," i án-ne mē. "He mā éng-hióng tio̍h góa. Kai-sí, hoān-sè he tùi góa ê éng-hióng khah tōa kòe tùi lí. Góa bô-ài kúi-nā cha̍p nî chē tī hia, teh tán it-seng tiong siōng bái ê ji̍t-chí."

Siū tio̍h kám-tōng, góa tī o͘-àm tiong chhun-chhiú tēⁿ i ê chhiú. I bô-chêng bô-goān tēⁿ tò-tńg chi̍t-ē. Góa kam-goān chhiūⁿ Tem án-ne, chin ê, góa kam-goān! Góa nā chá tō chai-iáⁿ, ū khó-lêng ē-sái chai-iáⁿ, iá mài chai-iáⁿ mā bē án-nóa, án-ne tō chiâⁿ hó. M̄-koh, taⁿ ê kho-ki hiah-nī chìn-pō͘, múi chi̍t-ê kong-bîn kan-ta khai chi̍t-sut-á chîⁿ tō ē-tàng tit-tio̍h hit-ê tì-sek.

Góa teh liú i sàng ê nâ-sek mô͘ tōa-i ê sî, Tem khiā tī mn̂g-kháu, he sī kúi-nî chêng, góa siūⁿ, sī kiat-hun sì-chiu-nî ê lé-mi̍h.

"Góa bô-ài chai-iáⁿ lí boeh khì tó-ūi," i kóng, ba̍k-chiu kim sih-sih.

"Án-ne hó," góa kóng, ná léng-chēng kiám-cha chhiú-thê-pau ni̍h ê só-sî, ba̍k io̍h-chúi. "Góa m̄ kā lí kóng."

"Góa kìm-chí lí lī-khui kong-gū," i kóng.

"Oh, chhin-ài-ê," góa thò͘ chi̍t-kháu khùi. Góa bô siū-khì. "Che m̄-sī lí ê kò-sèng neh."

I ka-lún-sún chi̍t-ē, ùi mn̂g-kháu kiâⁿ khui, niū góa kòe. I phēng tī piah, siang-chhiú sio-lám, kim-kim khòaⁿ góa, ba̍k-chiu tâm-tâm, o͘ sìm-sìm. Hó kioh-siàu ê Tem.

Kiâⁿ chhut-khì liáu, góa thiaⁿ tio̍h koaiⁿ mn̂g-chhòaⁿ ê siaⁿ.

"Án-nóa?" tán góa khui mn̂g-chhòaⁿ, kiâⁿ ji̍p-lâi ê sî, Tem kóng. I khiā tī thiaⁿ-kháu, ba̍k-chiu koh-khah o͘, koh-khah lak-soe. Góa káⁿ siong-sìn, tī góa lī-khui ê 127 hun-cheng ni̍h, i lóng tī hia bô sóa-ūi.

"Sī án-ne," góa chhut-la̍t kā ìn. Góa sêng-jīn góa sim-sîn bē tiāⁿ, m̄-koh góa kī-choa̍t kō͘ góa ê sim-chêng lâi éng-hióng i ê.

"Lí...?" i nauh chi̍t-ē, bô kā būn-tê kóng chhut-lâi.

Góa kán-tan tìm chi̍t-ē thâu. Góa bē kā i kóng hit-ê koaⁿ-thiaⁿ pān-kong-sek, he n̂g piah nā m̄-sī phīⁿ tio̍h chhàu jiō-hiam, tō sī siūⁿ khí-lâi tō sán-seng hit-ê khì-bī. Hō͘ góa tio̍h kiaⁿ ê sī, lán ê kok-ka kō͘ kok-chióng hō͘ lâng ba̍k-hoe ê siat-pī kap ki-su̍t kiâⁿ hiòng bī-lâi, lāu-kū ê ki-chhó͘ kiàn-siat soah tī lán ê kha-ē nōa khì, chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng: jîn-hêng-tō, thih-lō͘, ha̍k-hāu, hām Kàm-lí-chām. M̄-koán án-nóa, Tem éng-oán bē chai-iáⁿ kin-á-ji̍t góa khì ê só͘-chāi, bē chai hit-tâi hiⁿ-hiⁿ kiò, khòaⁿ tio̍h ná-chhiūⁿ sio̍k-hòe ê ATM (niá-chîⁿ-ki) (in kám bē-sái kā chò khah hó leh?), bē chai he khí-pôaⁿ peng-léng ê kim-sio̍k botán, kō͘ he góa su-ji̍p góa ê siā-hōe an-choân hō-má, án-ne chìn-chêng góa tio̍h pâi-tūi chhiau-kòe 45 hun-cheng, tòe tī kî-thaⁿ tit-boeh chiâⁿ-chò Chai-iáⁿ-chiá ê lâng āu-bīn. Goán tiong-kan ū tiām-tiām, kian-tēng ê kek-bēng chêng-kám; tong-jiân m̄-sī kan-ta góa án-ne kám-kak. M̄-koh, tī in lī-khui ki-tâi, kiâⁿ chhut pâng-keng ê sî, góa sió-sim, thiau-kang, piàⁿ-miā pī-bián khì khòaⁿ in ê bīn. Pi-siong? kái-thoat? -- góa bô-ài chai-iáⁿ. Góa pit-su chò góa boeh chò ê tāi-chì. Góa hòⁿ-kî, tī góa àⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ ki-tâi thò͘ chhut hō͘ góa ê chóa-tiâu ê sî, tī góa kā chóa áu hó koh ùi ki-tâi kiâⁿ khui ê sî, góa ê bīn sī seⁿ-chò siáⁿ-khoán?

Tem chhun chhiú chhut-lâi, chéng-thâu-á khui-khui, chhiú-pôaⁿ khu̍h-khu̍h chùn, hoan-gêng góa tńg-lâi.

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1. 我想欲知影

有人想欲知影, mā 有人無愛知影. 頭起先, tī 我講我想欲知影 ê 時, Tem kō͘ 伊 he 假 gâu ê 方式作弄我 (擉我 ê 奶頭, kō͘ 葡萄 tìm 我 ê 鼻); 等伊知影我毋是講笑, 伊開始緊張, 等伊確定我確實彼个意思, 伊 ê 緊張變做恐怖.

"為啥物?" 半暝伊目屎流目屎滴 án-ne 問. "為啥物, 啥物, 啥物?"

我無法度 kā 應. 我 mā 無答案.

"這毋但干焦你, 你知 lah," 伊 án-ne 罵. "彼 mā 影響著我. 該死, 凡勢 he 對我 ê 影響較大過對你. 我無愛幾若十年坐 tī 遐, teh 等一生中上䆀 ê 日子."

受著感動, 我 tī 烏暗中伸手捏伊 ê 手. 伊無情無願捏倒轉一下. 我甘願像 Tem án-ne, 真 ê, 我甘願! 我若早就知影, 有可能會使知影, iá 莫知影 mā 袂按怎, án-ne tō 誠好. 毋過, 今 ê 科技 hiah-nī 進步, 每一个公民干焦開一屑仔錢 tō 會當得著彼个智識.

我 teh 鈕伊送 ê 藍色毛大衣 ê 時, Tem 徛 tī 門口, 彼是幾年前, 我想, 是結婚四週年 ê 禮物.

"我無愛知影你欲去佗位," 伊講, 目睭金爍爍.

"Án-ne 好," 我講, ná 冷靜檢查手提包 ni̍h ê 鎖匙, 目藥水. "我毋 kā 你講."

"我禁止你離開公寓," 伊講.

"Oh, 親愛 ê," 我吐一口氣. 我無受氣. "這毋是你 ê 個性 neh."

伊交懍恂一下, ùi 門口行開, 讓我過. 伊並 tī 壁, 雙手相攬, 金金看我, 目睭澹澹, 烏 sìm-sìm. 好腳數 ê Tem.

行出去了, 我聽著關門閂 ê 聲.

"按怎?" 等我開門閂, 行入來 ê 時, Tem 講. 伊徛 tī 廳口, 目睭閣較烏, 閣較落衰. 我 káⁿ 相信, tī 我離開 ê 127 分鐘 ni̍h, 伊攏 tī 遐無徙位.

"是 án-ne," 我出力 kā 應. 我承認我心神袂定, 毋過我拒絕 kō͘ 我 ê 心情來影響伊 ê.

"你...?" 伊喃一下, 無 kā 問題講出來.

我簡單頕一下頭. 我袂 kā 伊講彼个官廳辦公室, he 黃壁若毋是鼻著臭尿薟, 就是想起來 tō 產生彼个氣味. 予我著驚 ê 是, 咱 ê 國家 kō͘ 各種予人目花 ê 設備 kap 技術行向未來, 老舊 ê 基礎建設煞 tī 咱 ê 跤下爛去, 親像講: 人行道, 鐵路, 學校, 和監理站. 毋管按怎, Tem 永遠袂知影今仔日我去 ê 所在, 袂知彼台 hiⁿ-hiⁿ 叫, 看著 ná 像俗貨 ê ATM (領錢機) (in 敢袂使 kā 做較好 leh?), 袂知 he 齒盤冰冷 ê 金屬 botán, kō͘ he 我輸入我 ê 社會安全號碼, án-ne 進前我著排隊超過 45 分鐘, 綴 tī 其他得欲成做 "知影者" ê 人後面. 阮中間有恬恬, 堅定 ê 革命情感; 當然毋是干焦我 án-ne 感覺. 毋過, tī in 離開機台, 行出房間 ê 時, 我小心, 刁工, 拚命避免去看 in ê 面. 悲傷? 解脫? -- 我無愛知影. 我必須做我欲做 ê 代誌. 我好奇, tī 我 àⁿ 頭看機台吐出予我 ê 紙條 ê 時, tī 我 kā 紙拗好 koh ùi 機台行開 ê 時, 我 ê 面是生做啥款?

Tem 伸手出來, 指頭仔開開, 手盤 khu̍h-khu̍h 顫, 歡迎我轉來.

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1.

There are those who wish to know, and there are those who don’t wish to know. At first Tem made fun of me in that condescending way of his (a flick of my nipple, a grape tossed at my nose) when I claimed to be among the former; when he realized I meant it, he grew anxious, and when he realized I really did mean it, his anxiety morphed into terror.

“Why?” he demanded tearfully in the middle of the night. “Why why why?”

I couldn’t answer. I had no answer.

“This isn’t only about you, you know,” he scolded. “It affects me too. Hell, maybe it affects me more than it affects you. I don’t want to sit around for a bunch of decades awaiting the worst day of my life.”

Touched, I reached out to squeeze his hand in the dark. Grudgingly, he squeezed back. I would have preferred to be like Tem, of course I would have! If only I could have known it was possible to know and still have been fine with ignorance. But now that the technology had been mastered, the knowledge was available to every citizen for a nominal fee.

Tem stood in the doorway as I buttoned the blue wool coat he’d given me for, I think, our four-year anniversary a couple years back.

“I don’t want to know where you’re going,” he said. He glared.

“Fine,” I said, matter-of-factly checking my purse for my keys, my eye-drops. “I won’t tell you.”

“I forbid you to leave this apartment,” he said.

“Oh honey,” I sighed. I did feel bad. “That’s just not in your character.”

With a tremor, he fell away from the doorway to let me pass. He slouched against the wall, arms crossed, staring at me, his eyes wet and so very dark. Splendid Tem.

After I stepped out, I heard the deadbolt sliding into place.

“So?” Tem said when I unlocked the deadbolt, stepped back inside. He was standing right there in the hallway, his eyes darker than ever, his slouch more pronounced. I was willing to believe he hadn’t moved in the 127 minutes I’d been gone.

“So,” I replied forcefully. I was shaken, I’ll admit it, but I refused to shake him with my shakenness.

“You …?” He mouthed the question more than spoke it.

I nodded curtly. No way was I going to tell him about the bureaucratic office with its pale yellow walls that either smelled like urine or brought it so strongly to mind that one’s own associations created the odor. It never ceases to amaze me that, even as our country forges into the future with ever more bedazzling devices and technologies, the archaic infrastructure rots away beneath our feet, the pavement and the rails, the schools and the DMV. In any case: Tem would not know, today or ever, about the place I’d gone, about the humming machine that looked like a low-budget ATM (could they really do no better?), about the chilly metal buttons of the keypad into which I punched my social security number after waiting in line for over forty-five minutes behind other soon-to-be Knowers. There was a silent, grim camaraderie among us; surely I was not the only one who felt it. Yet carefully, deliberately, desperately, I avoided looking at their faces as they stepped away from the machine and exited the room. Grief, relief — I didn’t want to know. I had to do what I’d come to do. And what did my face look like, I wonder, as I glanced down at the paper the slot spat out at me, as I folded it up and stepped away from the machine?

Tem held his hand out, his fingers spread wide, his palm quivering but receptive.

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6. 悲傷踅轉來, 代誌變啥款?

6. Pi-siong se̍h tńg-lâi, tāi-chì piàn siáⁿ-khoán?

Kiâⁿ kàu yin sīa-khu oat-kak ê sî, yi khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-kóa lâng chū-chi̍p tī tōa-mn̂g kháu. Khòng-gī chiá? Yi kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, jiân-āu yi khòaⁿ tio̍h se̍k-sāi chhù-piⁿ ê bīn. Yi kiâⁿ khah óa, chi̍t-ê yi ē-jin-tit, m̄-koh m̄-bat miâ ê lâng tah yi ê keng-kah-thâu.

"Goán í-keng kiò i-seng ah. Yi teh lòng lín ê mn̂g koh tōa-siaⁿ kiò. Yi sī lín pêng-iú, kám m̄-sī? Í-chêng góa bat khòaⁿ kòe yi hām lí chò-hóe." I khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin phō-khiàm, hut-jiân Nneoma bô siūⁿ boeh chai, sī siáng lâi chhōe yi, boeh chhòng-siáⁿ.

He put-kò sī chi̍t-ê khit-chia̍h. Hit-ê cha-bó͘ bô chhēng ê-á, kha-cháiⁿ chiâu sī siong. Yi ná ū khó-lêng se̍h-kòe siâⁿ-chhī ê pó-choân? Hit-ê cha-bó͘ chhun-chhiú hiòng yi ê sî, Nneoma kín tò-thè lu, m̄-koh iáu-sī pī yi ê chéng-thâu-á lia̍h tio̍h, he chéng-thâu-á iù koh sè-ki, ná thâng-thōa ê kha.

Hit-siang chhiú bat phok kòe yi ê sin-khu. Yi bat chim kòe he chhiú-té, lia̍h kòe hiah-ê chéng-thâu-á kàu yi ê chhùi. Kàu tó-ūi yi lóng ē jīn-tit in.

"Kioni?"

"Nneoma, lán tio̍h lâi-khì, taⁿ lán tio̍h kín lâi-khì." yi tio̍h-kông, tiu-tiu khòaⁿ āu-piah.

Yi ê múi chi̍t-chhùn khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h ê phôe-hu m̄-sī jiàu siong, tō sī kā siong a̍h koah siong. Yi he it-hiòng chéng-chê ê thâu-chang-pīⁿ í-keng m̄-kìⁿ chi̍t-pòaⁿ khì, hiàn-chhut chho͘ koh jiâu ê thâu-khak-phôe, bē-su sī hō͘ lâng khiú chhut-lâi. Ùi yi sin-khu lāi hoat-chhut ê sī chhàu chúi-kau ê khì-bī.

"Oh, thiⁿ ah, Kioni, thiⁿ ah."

Kioni khiú yi ê chhiú-ba̍k, m̄-khéng pàng. "Lán tio̍h kín lâi-khì!"

Nneoma ah-lo̍h pak-lāi ê khó-phà kám-kak, kóng, "Sī siáng kā lí pìⁿ kah án-ne? Lán tio̍h kín khì tó-ūi?"

Kioni iô-thâu, siang-kha kūi lo̍h. Nneoma boeh khiú chhut chi̍t-ki chhiú, m̄-koh chò bē-kàu, tō khì chhi̍h tiâu chhiú-sim ni̍h ê kim-sio̍k chhah-kiāⁿ, án-ne Tiong-sim ê pó-choân tō ē chiap-tio̍h kéng-pò. In ē chai-iáⁿ tio̍h án-nóa chò.

Ùi yi taⁿ ê kak-tō͘, Nneoma ē-tàng khòaⁿ koh-khah chē tùi-hong ê siong, chhiú-kut siōng koh khah chē ê jiàu-siong, kā-siong, chi̍p-tiong tī chhiú-khiau í-hā. Jiân-āu ká-ná ū siáⁿ teh liām koh liām, it-ti̍t kàu yi siūⁿ-khí hit-ê Australia lâng, hām iú-koan i chhì boeh chia̍h ka-tī ê kò͘-sū.

"Kioni, che sī siáng pìⁿ ê?" Nneoma koh kóng chi̍t-piàn, sui-bóng yi ê hoâi-gî í-keng kian-tàng kah chin khak-tēng, hit-ê tap-àn hō͘ yi chin tio̍h-kiaⁿ.

Kioni kè-sio̍k iô-thâu, chhùi-tûn ha̍p ân-ân, ná-chhiūⁿ gín-á m̄ sêng-jīn ū kóng pe̍h-chha̍t.

Nn̄g-lâng ê oan-ke khai-sí tī Nneoma chò liáu chi̍t-kiāⁿ put-tek-liáu ê tāi-chì, yi ûi-hoán yin nn̄g-lâng koan-hē só͘-ū ê kài-sòaⁿ (mā ûi-hoán Tiong-sim ê kúi-ā tiâu kui-kí), iā-tō-sī iau-kiû Kioni khì hoa̍t-lo̍h yin lāu-pē. Kioni chū-goān ūi liû-lōng chāi-gōa ê Senegal lâng, Algeria lâng, kap Burkinafaso lâng, sīm-chì kî-thaⁿ thiat-thòe chiá, iā-tō-sī kip-chhiat su-iàu pi-siong kang-chok-chiá ê lâng, só͘-í kóng, yi kin-pún bô eng-kai tùi Kioni thê-chhut chit-ê iau-kiû. Nneoma kóng yi sī ké-kúi ké-koài, Kioni kóng yi sī sēng-pháiⁿ ê hó-gia̍h-kiáⁿ, siūⁿ-kóng ka-tī ê thòng-khó͘ pí si̍t-chè khah tiōng-iàu. Chū án-ne, Kioni iau-kiû yi lī-khui.

Taⁿ, yi su-iàu kā Kioni chhōa kàu Tiong-sim, koh tit-tio̍h yi pang-bâng. M̄-koán hoat-seng siáⁿ tāi-chì, lóng tio̍h tit-tio̍h kái-koat. Yi koh siūⁿ khí hit-ê chū-sat ê Australia lâng.

"In kan-ta lâi liáu iū lâi, lâi liáu koh lâi."

Nneoma khû lo̍h-lâi, thiaⁿ khah chin Kinoi ê ōe. Yin chhù-piⁿ ê lâng lóng sóa kàu thiaⁿ bē-tio̍h ê só͘-chāi, in-ūi hō͘ chhàu-bī heh cháu. "Siáng lâi?" yi mn̄g, siūⁿ boeh kò͘ tiâu Kioni tī sin-piⁿ. Kiù-oān eng-kai tit-boeh kàu ah.

"Só͘-ū ê lâng, lí kám bô khòaⁿ tio̍h?"

Yi khai-sí hoat-hiān hoat-seng tī yin chêng lú-pêng-iú ê tāi-chì.

Kòe-khì 10 nî, Kioni hoa̍t-lo̍h kòe gōa-chē lâng, 5,000? 10,000? cha̍p-bān ê chhòng-siong tī yi ê sim-koaⁿ ni̍h, ho͘-siong e-kheh, cheng-toa̍t chú-lâng ê chù-ì. Lí nā bô hoat-tō͘ pàng bē-kì, a̍h sī lí só͘ thun-chia̍h ê pa̍t-lâng ê pi-siong nā se̍h tò-tńg lâi, án-ne tāi-chì ē piàn siáⁿ-khoán? Jû-kó kong-sek tī chhian-chhian bān-bān kái ê pâi-lia̍t cho͘-ha̍p kòe-têng hoat-seng būn-tê, che sī ū khó-lêng hoat-seng. Án-ne tō ē ū chi̍t-chheng ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê lâng kàng-lo̍h tī lí ê sin-khu.

Nneoma chhì boeh tò-thè, ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh mài khòaⁿ, m̄-koh yi chò bē-kàu. Yi ê pún-lêng hoat-chok, yi kóaⁿ-kín khì kè-sǹg só͘-ū it-chhè. Hit-ê hoān-ûi sī hiah-nī tōa, siuⁿ-kòe tōa. Kan-ta ū yi hām Kioni chò-hóe, chhiau-kòe yin ê hū-tam, sīm-chì nn̄g-lâng mā chài bē-tiâu.

Yi chòe-āu chi̍t-ê chheng-chhó ê siūⁿ-hoat sī yin lāu-pē, tī yi chhì boeh kā sêng-tam ê sî, i ê hū-tam sī gōa-nī chhim-âng, taⁿ ê it-chhè, khòaⁿ tio̍h iū sī gōa-nī sí-pe̍h.

[Soah]

- -

6. 悲傷踅轉來, 代誌變啥款?

行到姻社區斡角 ê 時, 她看著一寡人聚集 tī 大門口. 抗議者? 她驚一趒, 然後她看著熟似厝邊 ê 面. 她行較倚, 一个她會認得, 毋過毋捌名 ê 人搭她 ê 肩胛頭.

"阮已經叫醫生 ah. 她 teh 挵恁 ê 門 koh 大聲叫. 她是恁朋友, 敢毋是? 以前我捌看過她和你做伙." 伊看起來真抱歉, 忽然 Nneoma 無想欲知, 是 siáng 來揣她, 欲創啥.

彼不過是一个乞食. 彼个查某無穿鞋仔,  跤指齊是傷. 她那有可能踅過城市 ê 保全? 彼个查某伸手向她 ê 時, Nneoma 緊倒退攄, 毋過猶是被她 ê 指頭仔掠著, he 指頭仔幼 koh 細支, ná 蟲豸 ê 跤.

彼雙手捌撲過她 ê 身軀. 她捌唚過 he 手底, 掠過 hiah-ê 指頭仔到她 ê 喙. 到佗位她攏會認得 in.

"Kioni?"

"Nneoma, 咱著來去, 今咱著緊來去." 她著狂, tiu-tiu 看後壁.

她 ê 每一寸看會著 ê 皮膚毋是抓傷, 就是咬傷 a̍h 割傷. 她 he 一向整齊 ê 頭鬃辮已經毋見一半去, 現出粗 koh 皺 ê 頭殼皮, 袂輸是予人搝出來. Ùi 她身軀內發出 ê 是臭水溝 ê 氣味.

"Oh, 天 ah, Kioni, 天 ah."

Kioni 搝她 ê 手目, 毋肯放. "咱著緊來去!"

Nneoma 壓落腹內 ê 可怕感覺, 講, "是 siáng kā 你 pìⁿ 甲 án-ne? 咱著緊去佗位?"

Kioni 搖頭, 雙跤跪落. Nneoma 欲搝出一支手, 毋過做袂到, 就去揤牢手心 ni̍h ê 金屬插件, án-ne 中心 ê 保全就會接著警報. In 會知影著按怎做.

Ùi 她今 ê 角度, Nneoma 會當看閣較濟對方 ê 傷, 手骨上閣較濟 ê 抓傷, 咬傷, 集中 tī 手曲以下. 然後 ká-ná 有啥 teh 念 koh 念, 一直到她想起彼个 Australia 人, 和有關伊試欲食家己 ê 故事.

"Kioni, 這是 siáng pìⁿ ê?" Nneoma 閣講一遍, 雖罔 她 ê 懷疑已經堅凍甲真確定, 彼个答案予她真著驚.

Kioni 繼續搖頭, 喙唇合絚絚, ná 像囡仔 m̄ 承認有講白賊.

兩人 ê 冤家開始 tī Nneoma 做了一件不得了 ê 代誌, 她違反姻兩人關係所有 ê 界線 (mā 違反中心 ê 幾若條規矩), 也就是要求 Kioni 去發落姻老爸. Kioni 自願為流浪在外 ê Senegal 人, Algeria 人, kap Burkinafaso 人, 甚至其他撤退者, 也就是急切需要悲傷工作者 ê 人, 所以講, 她根本無應該對 Kioni 提出這个要求. Nneoma 講她是假鬼假怪, Kioni 講她是 sēng 歹 ê 好額囝, 想講家己 ê 痛苦比實際較重要. 自 án-ne, Kioni 要求她離開.

今, 她需要 kā Kioni chhōa 到中心, koh 得著她幫忙. 毋管發生啥代誌, 攏著得著解決. 她 koh 想起彼个自殺 ê Australia 人.

"In 干焦來了又來, 來了 koh 來."

Nneoma 跍落來, 聽較真 Kinoi ê 話. 姻厝邊 ê 人攏徙到聽袂著 ê 所在, 因為予臭味嚇走. "Siáng 來?" 她問, 想欲顧牢 Kioni tī 身邊. 救援應該得欲到 ah.

"所有 ê 人, 你敢無看著?"

她開始發現發生 tī 姻前女朋友 ê 代誌.

過去 10 年, Kioni 發落過偌濟人, 5,000? 10,000? 十萬 ê 創傷 tī 她 ê 心肝 ni̍h, 互相 e-kheh, 爭奪主人 ê 注意. 你若無法度放袂記, a̍h 是你所吞食 ê 別人 ê 悲傷若踅倒轉來, án-ne 代誌會變啥款? 如果公式 tī 千千萬萬改 ê 排列組合過程發生問題, 這是有可能發生. Án-ne 就會有一千个跋落 ê 人降落 tī 你 ê 身軀.

Nneoma 試欲倒退, 目睭瞌瞌莫看, 毋過她做袂到. 她 ê 本能發作, 她趕緊去計算所有一切. 彼个範圍是 hiah-nī 大, siuⁿ 過大. 干焦有她和 Kioni 做伙, 超過姻 ê 負擔, 甚至兩人 mā chài 袂牢.

她最後一个清楚 ê 想法是姻老爸, tī 她試欲 kā 承擔 ê 時, 伊 ê 負擔是 gōa-nī 深紅, 今 ê 一切, 看著又是 gōa-nī 死白.

[煞]

- -

6.

As she cleared the corner around her compound, she saw a small crowd gathered at her gate. Protesters? she wondered in shock before she registered the familiar faces of her neighbors. When she neared, a man she recognized but could not name caught her by the shoulders. 

“We called medical right away. She was banging on your gate and screaming. She is your friend, no? I’ve seen her with you before.” He looked very sorry and suddenly Nneoma didn’t want to know who was there to see her and why. 

It was just a beggar. The woman wore no shoes and her toes were wounds. How on earth had she been able to bypass city security? Nneoma scrambled back when the woman reached out for her but was arrested by her fingers, delicate and spindly, like insect legs. 

Those hands had once stroked her body. She had once kissed those palms and drawn those fingers into her mouth. She would recognize them anywhere.

“Kioni?”

“Nneoma we have to go, we have to go now.” She was frantic and kept looking behind her.

Every bare inch of her skin was scratched or bitten or cut in some way. Her usually neat coif of dreadlocks were half missing, her scalp raw and puckered like someone had yanked them out. The smell that rolled from her was all sewage. 

“Oh my god, Kioni, oh my god.”

Kioni grabbed her wrists and wouldn’t surrender them. “We have to go!”

Nneoma tried to talk around the horrified pit in her stomach. “Who did this to you? Where do we have to go?”

Kioni shook her head and sank to her knees. Nneoma tried to free one of her hands and, when she couldn’t, pressed and held the metal insert under her palm that would alert security at the Center. They would know what to do. 

From her current angle, Nneoma could see more of the damage on the other woman, more scratches, more bites on her arms concentrated below the elbow. And then something nagged and nagged at her till she remembered the Australian and the stories of him trying to eat himself.

“Kioni who did this?” Nneoma repeated, though her suspicion was beginning  to clot into certainty and she feared the answer.

Kioni continued shaking her head and pressed her lips together like a child refusing to confess a lie. 

Their fight had started when Nneoma had done the unthinkable, violating every boundary of their relationship (and a handful of Center rules) and asked Kioni to work on her father. Kioni, who volunteered herself to the displaced Senegalese and Algerians and Burkinababes and even the evacuees, anyone in dire need of a grief worker, was the last person she should have asked for such a thing. Nneoma had called her sanctimonious and Kioni had called her a spoiled rich girl who thought her pain was more important than it actually was. And then Kioni had asked her to leave.

Now she needed to get Kioni to the Center and get her help. Whatever was happening had to be fixed. She remembered again the Australian who had killed himself. 

“They just come and they come and they come.”

Nneoma crouched down to hear Kioni better. Most of her neighbors had moved beyond hearing distance, chased away by the smell. “Who comes?” she asked, trying to keep Kioni with her. Aid must be on their way. 

“All of them, can’t you see?”

She began to see what was happening to her former girlfriend. 

How many people had Kioni worked with over the last decade, five thousand? Ten? Ten thousand traumas in her psyche, squeezing past each other, vying for the attention of their host. What would happen if you couldn’t forget, if every emotion from every person whose grief you’d eaten came back up? It could happen if something went wrong with the formula millions and millions of permutations down the line. A thousand falling men landing on you. 

Nneoma tried to retreat, to close her eyes and unsee, but she couldn’t. Instinct took over and she raced to calculate it all. The breadth of it was so vast, too vast. It was just her and Kioni together, their burden excessive, even for two. 

The last clear thought she would ever have was of her father, how crimson his burden had been when she’d tried to shoulder it, and how very pale it all seemed now.

- -

//

Lesley Nneka Arimah moved from Nigeria to the US in her early teens and now resides in Minnesota where she spends the winters in hiding. If she could just get off Twitter, Lesley would complete her novel and collection of short stories.

5. 和 Kioni 竟然會維持彼段時間

5. Hām Kioni kèng-jiân ē ûi-chhî hit-tōaⁿ sî-kan

Yi kiám-cha piān-só͘-keng, khak-tēng kan-ta yi tī hia, chiah oan-io chhim-chhim chhoán-khùi. In-ūi chit-ê goân-in, yi chin chió hoa̍t-lo̍h lān-bîn, chin-chiàⁿ ê lān-bîn. In só͘ cho-siū ê thòng-khó͘ ê ho̍k-cha̍p thêng-tō͘, chóng-sī hō͘ yi sit-khì bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Ûi-it chi̍t-kái hō͘ yi ū chit-chióng kiông-lia̍t kám-kak ê sī, lāu-bú kòe-sin liáu-āu, lāu-pē siong-sim put-chí, kiông-boeh kàu húi-bia̍t ê pian-iân. Nneoma ná ū khó-lêng kā i kóng, yi sīm-chì bô hoat-tō͘ khòaⁿ i koh bē ka-tī sim-chhùi? Che i éng-oán bē bêng-pe̍k. Hit-kang, yi chhì boeh hoa̍t-lo̍h i, boeh chia̍h tiāu i ê pi-siong, yi chiah bêng-pe̍k, sī án-nóa hoa̍t-lo̍h chhin-kīn chhù-lāi lâng sī siū-tio̍h kìm-chí. In ê pi-siong tō-sī lí ka-tī ê, só͘-í lí éng-oán bô hoat-tō͘ chheng-chhut lí ê thâu-náu ū-kàu sî-kan lâi chò kè-sǹg. Hit-kái chhì-giām ê kiat-kio̍k sī siang-lâng lóng thî-khàu, lám chò-hóe lâi an-ùi, iū tam-sim, it-ti̍t kàu yin lāu-pē ūi tio̍h án-ne bô-hāu, ūi tio̍h yi ê châi-chêng tī chit sî-chūn bô lō͘-iōng lâi hoat sèng-tē, koh kóng chi̍t-kóa i siu bē tò-tńg ê ōe. 

Hòa-chong-sek ê mn̂g koăiⁿ chi̍t-siaⁿ khui--khui. Nneoma chai he sī siáng. Hit-ê ko͘-niû jím put-chū lâi chhōe yi. Yin hō͘-siong tùi-khòaⁿ chi̍t-khùn, ko͘-niû bô khak-tēng, it-ti̍t kàu Nneoma chhun chhut siang-chhiú, ko͘-niû kiâⁿ hiòng yi ê heng-chêng. Nneoma khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ba̍k-chiu tiong ê pi-siong, khai-sí iân chi̍t-tiâu te̍k-sòaⁿ ōe chhut hit-ê pi-siong ê kiat-kó. Tī bó͘ chi̍t-tiám, ko͘-niû ê lāu-bú hō͘ chhèng-hóe tōaⁿ kah chhùi kô͘-kô͘. Yi ê hiaⁿ-ko tī àm-sî hō͘ chi̍t-tīn ok-tô͘ lia̍h-cháu. Yin lāu-pē hō͘ ha̍p-sêng pēⁿ-to̍k phah-tó, só͘-ū ê o͘-sek-sò͘ siū kong-kek, it-ti̍t kàu kui-sin lóng khí nōa. Iáu ū kî-thaⁿ khah sè ê siong-hāi, iau kah chia̍h kui-me ê thô͘. It-ti̍t tio̍h tô-pī hiah-ê chū yin lāu-pē sí-liáu tō hoán-pōe yi ê lâng. Thau-thau-á liu-ji̍p kòe-khì yi tòa ê hū-kīn, hoat-hiān sin khí ê chhù, tòa ê sī khah hó-ūn thiat-thòe lâi hia ê Franse lâng, in bô hông hòng-khì koh im-sí, in ê gín-á kā yi tìm chio̍h-thâu, ná káu án-ne kā yi kóaⁿ cháu. Nneoma khòaⁿ múi chi̍t-ê kòe-khì ê khó͘-lān, biô sòaⁿ-tiâu ê piⁿ, kó͘-sǹg chit-liōng. Jiân-āu yi kā lia̍h tio̍h.

Bô-lâng ē-tàng chin-chiàⁿ kái-soeh hit-sî hoat-seng siáⁿ tāi-chì, sī án-nóa chi̍t-ê lâng ē-tàng the̍h cháu pa̍t-lâng ê pi-siong. Sò͘-ha̍k lí-lūn chē-chē lóng kin-kì lâng sī chóaⁿ-iūⁿ, siōng kán-tan lâi kóng, sī chi̍t-thoân kap chò-hóe ê chiàⁿ kap hū ê goân-chú, ū ka-tī ê hong-thêng-sek, sī chi̍t-chióng sè-pau sò͘-ha̍k. Sîn-ha̍k ka khó-lêng kā che kiò-chò kî-chek, sī ùi Sîn ê chhùi lâi ê un-tián ê kiss. Tiat-ha̍k-ka khó-lêng ē kóng, che si̍t-chè siōng tō sī pēⁿ-lâng hòng-khì in ê pi-siong. M̄-koh, tī hit-ê pâng-keng ni̍h, che put-kò sī piáu-sī, chit-ê ko͘-niû ū lân-tit jím-siū ê hū-tam, āu-lâi, yi bô koh ū ah lah.

*

Sái tńg chhù kui-lō͘ tiām-tiām. Amadi kám-kak chhut yi ê put-an koh hoán-tùi i sûi-ì se̍h-lō͘ keng-kòe thong-óng yin lāu-pē chhù ê lō͘-kháu, sui-bóng kòe-khì ta̍k-pái in lâi-kàu siâⁿ-tìn ê chit-pêng i chóng ē án-ne chò. Kàu chhù ê sî, Nneoma ti̍t-chiap chiūⁿ-chhn̂g, ho̍k-iōng nn̄g-lia̍p io̍h-á, ē-tàng hō͘ yi khùn 12 tiám-cheng. Án-ne liáu-āu, yi tō ē-tàng chīn-liōng hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông. Tùi hit-ê ko͘-niû ê kì-tî bô koh hiah-nī chhiⁿ-chhioh, piàn-chò ná-chhiūⁿ yi bat ùi chheh ni̍h tha̍k tio̍h ê chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū. Hit-ê ko͘-niû ê kám-kak mā-sī sio-kāng. Tán Nneoma khùn khì, he chin chhim, chin àm, bô bîn-bāng, bô kng-sòaⁿ.

Keh-kang chá-khí, yi khui tiān-sī, khòaⁿ tio̍h hām chêng-kang tōa pō͘-hūn kāng-khoán ê pò-tō, chí-sī taⁿ hit-ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê lâng in kóa-hū í-keng ka-ji̍p chiàn-tiûⁿ, iau-kiû tùi Tiong-sim ê kì-lo̍k hām Furcal ê Kong-sek chò choân-bīn ê sím-cha. Nneoma kō͘ phīⁿ hńg chi̍t-siaⁿ. Chit-chióng tāi-chì chin tio̍h, ē tit-tio̍h kong-chiòng ê chi-chhî, m̄-koh, sū-si̍t sī án-ne, chai-iáⁿ án-nóa sím-cha ê choan-ka lóng teh chia̍h Tiong-sim ê thâu-lō͘, tio̍h kúi-ā cha̍p nî in chiah ē sím-cha hó-sè. Khah ū khó-lêng ê sī, che put-kò sī ài chîⁿ ê chhek-lio̍k, hit-ê cha-bó͘ mā ē tit-tio̍h yi só͘ ài ê. Furcal ka-cho̍k mā hū-tam ē-khí.

Nneoma kā ka-tī kóng, siōng-bô tio̍h koh tán chi̍t tiám-cheng, yi chiah boeh cha-khòaⁿ yi ê sìn-sit, tō chún-pī boeh chò ji̍t-siông ê cháu-pio. Sió gán chi̍t-ē, mā hián-sī hoán-chèng bô siáⁿ teh tán. Yi su-ji̍p mn̂g ê bi̍t-bé kā só tio̍h, sió chhun-kiu chi̍t-ē, tō chhut-hoat ah.

Chit-kái cháu-pio kā cha-hng ê kúi-hûn só͘ chhun ê hûn-jiah lóng chheng liáu. Yi kin-á-ji̍t boeh khà tiān-ōe hō͘ Claudine, mn̄g khòaⁿ hit-ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê tāi-chì ū gōa giâm-tiōng. Kong-koan ê tāi-piáu tī hoat-lu̍t-siōng ē-tàng kóng ê iú-hān, m̄-koh nā chia̍h àm-tǹg koh lim kúi-poe, ū khó-lêng hō͘ yi ê chi̍h piàn khah lēng. Kàu chhù chêng ê chòe-āu hit mai, Nneoma kā kha-pō͘ khiú tn̂g, koh chù-ì tio̍h pàng khin-sang. Téng-pái yi piàⁿ kah khí chông, siong tio̍h chi̍t-tiâu kin-bah, phài lâi ūi yi siau-tî thiàⁿ-thàng ê sī chi̍t-ê bô piáu-chêng ê cha-po͘, m̄-chai chhn̂g-piⁿ lé-māu sī siáⁿ óaⁿ-ko. Yi kám-kak ē chhut, i kā hoa̍t-lo̍h ê sî ê bô chàn-tông. I tiāⁿ-tio̍h siūⁿ-kóng i ê châi-chêng lōng-hùi tī yi ê phok-sóng tē-khu, tio̍h jím-siū chit-lō lûn-pan, it-ti̍t kàu ē-tàng tò-tńg in iâⁿ-khu. Nneoma thó-ià chhiūⁿ i hit-khoán ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka, in mā thó-ià chhin-chhiūⁿ yi chit-khoán ê lâng. Sîn-kî ê sī, yi hām Kioni kèng-jiân ē-tàng ûi-chhî hit-tōaⁿ sî-kan.

- -

5. 和 Kioni 竟然會維持彼段時間

她檢查便所間, 確定干焦她 tī 遐, 才彎腰深深喘氣. 因為這个原因, 她真少發落難民, 真正 ê 難民. In 所遭受 ê 痛苦 ê 複雜程度, 總是予她失去某種物件. 唯一一改予她有這種強烈感覺 ê 是, 老母過身了後, 老爸傷心不止, 強欲到毀滅 ê 邊緣. Nneoma 那有可能 kā 伊講, 她甚至無法度看伊 koh 袂家己心碎? 這伊永遠袂明白. 彼工, 她試欲發落伊, 欲食掉伊 ê 悲傷, 她才明白, 是按怎發落親近厝內人是受著禁止. In ê 悲傷就是你家己 ê, 所以你永遠無法度清出你 ê 頭腦有夠時間來做計算. 彼改試驗 ê 結局是雙人攏啼哭, 攬做伙來安慰, 又擔心, 一直到姻老爸為著 án-ne 無效, 為著她 ê 才情 tī 這時陣無路用來發性地, koh 講一寡伊收袂倒轉 ê 話. 

化妝室 ê 門 koăiⁿ 一聲開--開. Nneoma 知彼是 siáng. 彼个姑娘忍不住來揣她. 姻互相對看一睏, 姑娘無確定, 一直到 Nneoma 伸出雙手, 姑娘行向她 ê 胸前. Nneoma 看著她目睭中 ê 悲傷, 開始沿一條軸線畫出彼个悲傷 ê 結果. Tī 某一點, 姑娘 ê 老母予銃火彈甲碎糊糊. 她 ê 兄哥 tī 暗時予一陣惡徒掠走. 姻老爸予合成病毒拍倒, 所有 ê 烏色素受攻擊, 一直到規身攏起爛. 猶有其他較細 ê 傷害, 枵甲食規 me ê 塗. 一直著逃避 hiah-ê 自姻老爸死了就反背她 ê 人. 偷偷仔溜入過去她蹛 ê 附近, 發現新起 ê 厝, 蹛 ê 是較好運撤退來遐 ê Franse 人, in 無 hông 放棄 koh 淹死, in ê 囡仔 kā 她 tìm 石頭, ná 狗 án-ne kā 她趕走. Nneoma 看每一个過去 ê 苦難, 描線條 ê 邊, 估算質量. 然後她 kā 掠著.

無人會當真正解說彼時發生啥代誌, 是按怎一个人會當提走別人 ê 悲傷. 數學理論濟濟攏根據人是怎樣, 上簡單來講, 是一團敆做伙 ê 正 kap 負 ê 原子, 有家己 ê 方程式, 是一種細胞數學. 神學家可能 kā 這叫做奇蹟, 是 ùi 神 ê 喙來 ê 恩典 ê kiss. 哲學家可能會講, 這實際上就是病人放棄 in ê 悲傷. 毋過, tī 彼个房間 ni̍h, 這不過是表示, 這个姑娘有難得忍受 ê 負擔, 後來, 她無閣有 ah lah.

*

駛轉厝規路恬恬. Amadi 感覺出她 ê 不安 koh 反對伊隨意踅路經過通往姻老爸厝 ê 路口, 雖罔過去逐擺 in 來到城鎮 ê 這爿伊總會 án-ne 做. 到厝 ê 時, Nneoma 直接上床, 服用兩粒藥仔, 會當予她睏 12 點鐘. Án-ne 了後, 她就會當盡量回復正常. 對彼个姑娘 ê 記持無 koh hiah-nī 鮮沢, 變做 ná 像她捌 ùi 冊 ni̍h 讀著 ê 一个故事. 彼个姑娘 ê 感覺 mā 是相仝. 等 Nneoma 睏去, 彼真深, 真暗, 無眠夢, 無光線.

隔工早起, 她開電視, 看著和前工大部份仝款 ê 報導, 只是今彼个跋落 ê 人 in 寡婦已經加入戰場, 要求對中心 ê 記錄和 Furcal ê 公式做全面 ê 審查. Nneoma kō͘ 鼻 hńg 一聲. 這種代誌真著, 會得著公眾 ê 支持, 毋過, 事實是 án-ne, 知影按怎審查 ê 專家攏 teh 食中心 ê 頭路, 著幾若十年 in 才會審查好勢. 較有可能 ê 是, 這不過是愛錢 ê 策略, 彼个查某 mā 會得著她所愛 ê. Furcal 家族 mā 負擔會起.

Nneoma kā 家己講, 上無著 koh 等一點鐘, 她才欲查看她 ê 信息, 就準備欲做日常 ê 走標. 小眼一下, mā 顯示反正無啥 teh 等. 她輸入門 ê 密碼 kā 鎖著, 小伸勼一下, 就出發 ah.

這改走標 kā 昨昏 ê 鬼魂所賰 ê 痕跡攏清了. 她今仔日欲敲電話予 Claudine, 問看彼个跋落 ê 代誌有偌嚴重. 公關 ê 代表 tī 法律上會當講 ê 有限, 毋過若食暗頓 koh 啉幾杯, 有可能予她 ê 舌變較冗. 到厝前 ê 最後彼 mai, Nneoma kā 跤步搝長, koh 注意著放輕鬆. 頂擺她拚甲起傱, 傷著一條筋肉, 派來為她消除疼痛 ê 是一个無表情 ê 查埔, 毋知床邊禮貌是啥碗糕. 她感覺會出, 伊 kā 發落 ê 時 ê 無贊同. 伊定著想講伊 ê 才情浪費 tī 她 ê 博爽地區, 著忍受這號輪班, 一直到會當倒轉 in 營區. Nneoma 討厭像伊彼款 ê 數學家, in mā 討厭親像她這款 ê 人. 神奇 ê 是, 她和 Kioni 竟然會當維持彼段時間.

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5.

She checked the stalls to make sure she was alone and bent forward to take deep breaths. She rarely worked with refugees, true refugees, for this reason. The complexity of their suffering always took something from her. The only time she’d felt anything as strongly was after her mother had passed and her father was in full lament, listing to the side of ruin. How could Nneoma tell him that she couldn’t even look at him without being broken by it? He would never understand. The day she’d tried to work on him, to eat her father’s grief, she finally understood why it was forbidden to work on close family members. Their grief was your own and you could never get out of your head long enough to calculate it. The attempt had ended with them both sobbing, holding each other in comfort and worry, till her father had gotten so angry at the futility of it, the uselessness of her talents this one particular moment and had said words he could not take back.  

The bathroom door creaked open. Nneoma knew who it was. The girl couldn’t help but to seek her out. They stared at each other a while, the girl uncertain, till Nneoma held out her arms and the girl walked into them. Nneoma saw the sadness in her eyes and began to plot the results of it on an axis. At one point the girl’s mother shredded by gunfire. Her brother taken in the night by a gang of thugs. Her father falling to the synthesized virus that attacked all the melanin in his skin till his body was an open sore. And other smaller hurts, hunger so deep she’d swallowed fistfuls of mud. Hiding from the men who’d turned on her after her father died. Sneaking into her old neighborhood to see the crisp new houses filled with the more fortunate of the French evacuees, those who hadn’t been left behind to drown, and their children chased her away with rocks like she was a dog. Nneoma looked at every last suffering, traced the edges, weighed the mass. And then she took it. 

No one had really been able to explain what happened then, why one person could take another person’s grief. Mathematical theories abounded based on how humans were, in the plainest sense, a bulk of atoms held together by positives and negatives, an equation all their own, a type of cellular math. A theologian might call it a miracle, a kiss of grace from God’s own mouth. Philosophers opined that it was actually the patient who gave up their sadness. But in that room it simply meant that a girl had an unbearable burden and then she did not.

*

The ride back home was silent, Amadi sensing her disquiet and resisting the casual detour he’d make past the junction that led to her father’s house whenever they ventured to this side of town. At home, Nneoma went straight to bed, taking two of the pills that would let her sleep for twelve hours. After that she would be as close to normal as she could be. The girl’s memories would lessen in rawness, becoming like a story she’d read in a book once. The girl would feel the same way. When Nneoma fell asleep, it was deep, black, dreamless thing with no light.

The next morning, she turned on the unit to see much of the same coverage as the day before except now the fallen man’s widow had jumped into the fray, calling for a full audit of the Center’s records and of Furcal’s Formula. Nneoma snorted. It was the sort of thing that sounded right enough to win public support, but the truth was that the only experts who knew enough to audit anything all worked for the Center and it would take them decades to pore over it. More likely this was a ploy for a payoff, which the woman would get. The Furcals could afford it. 

Nneoma told herself she wouldn’t check her messages again for at least another hour and prepared for her daily run. A quick peek revealed that there wasn’t anything waiting anyway. She keyed the code into the gate to lock it behind her, stretched, and launched. 

The run cleared the last vestiges of yesterday’s ghosts. She would call Claudine today to see how serious this whole falling thing was. There’d only be so much the PR rep could legally say, but dinner and a few drinks might loosen her tongue. Nneoma lengthened her stride the last mile home taking care to ease into it. The last time she’d burst into a sprint, she pulled a muscle and the pain eater assigned to her was a grim man with a nonexistent bedside manner. She’d felt his disapproval as he worked on her. No doubt he thought his talents wasted in her cozy sector and tolerated this rotation till he could get back to the camps. Nneoma disliked Mathematicians like him and they disliked ones like her. It was a miracle she and Kioni had lasted as long as they did.

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