5. 她 ê 眠床大頂 koh 低

5. Yi ê bîn-chhn̂g tōa téng koh kē

Yi ê bîn-chhn̂g tōa téng koh kē kah boeh óa thô͘-kha. Āu-bīn ū chi̍t-sìⁿ thang-á, sui-bóng lî-á ū khiú lo̍h-lâi, keng-kòe ê chhia-teng ē tâu-iáⁿ tī tùi-bīn hiòng ê piah. Gopal tó tī Shaw Tt ê piⁿ-á, khòaⁿ he teng-iáⁿ ê kái-piàn. I chhun-chhiú bong thâu, hoat-hiān siang-pêng ê thâu-chang giàng khí-lâi, ná-chhiūⁿ nn̄g-ki kak. Khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê hām in bó͘ ê chhioh-tō͘ chha hiah chē ê sin lō͘-thé, hit-chióng tio̍h-kiaⁿ hō͘ i chin kek-tōng. I sió-khóa thâu-hîn ba̍k-àm, bē-su i kiám-cha gîn-hâng kháu-chō, hoat-hiān lāi-té chhun pí i kî-thāi ê ke kúi-ā chheng kho͘. "Lí seⁿ-chò chiâⁿ súi," i kóng, in-ūi Cosmopolitan ū kiàn-gī, chò-ài liáu tio̍h án-ne kóng. Shaw Tt hoan chi̍t-ē sin, chim i ê keng-kah-thâu.

"Bô, góa bô súi. Góa siuⁿ tōa-kho͘, góa ê phīⁿ mā koài-koài. M̄-koh, to-siā lí," yi kóng. Gopal khòaⁿ yi, khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ê chhùi sui-jiân làu-làu, sì-chiu ê sòaⁿ-tiâu iáu sī chin bêng. "Lí khòaⁿ tio̍h ká-ná tú-tú ùi hang-ta ki peh chhut-lâi," yi kóng, koh chhiò chhut-lâi. Yi ê chhiò-siaⁿ tu̍t-jiân koh chū-sìn. Í-chêng i bô chù-ì tio̍h, che hō͘ i ka-tī mā khí ài-chhiò.

In nn̄g-lâng lóng koh tiām khì, tó tī hia kòe kúi-ā hun-cheng, tán Gopal khai-sí kám-kak chū-ngó͘ ì-sek ê sî, i kóng, "Kóng khòaⁿ-māi, lí tòa ê tē-it keng chhù seⁿ-chò siáⁿ khoán."

Shaw Tt chē khí-lâi. Yi ê pak-tó͘ chuh chhut-lâi, yi ê nn̄g-kōaⁿ leng làu-làu. Khòaⁿ tio̍h i teh khoàⁿ, yi kō͘ kha-thâu-u cha̍h yi ê heng-khám. "Lí chiâⁿ ū siūⁿ-hoat," yi kóng.

Gopal kám-kak siū tio̍h o-ló. "Oh, che m̄-sī siáⁿ siūⁿ-hoat."

"Góa siūⁿ, nā m̄-sī in-ūi lí ê khiuⁿ-kháu, chit-ê būn-tê thiaⁿ khí-lâi chin ké," yi kóng. Gopal kám-kak i ê ūi teh ká. "Góa tòa tī chi̍t-ê ke-khu, hia ū pō͘-tūi khí hō͘ hôe-kok a-peng-ko tòa ê sè-keng chhù-á. Chhù-á lóng chin tan-tiāu, chhù-tiâⁿ liâm chò-hóe. Chhù óa tī Newark ki-tiûⁿ. Góa kah-ì chē tī góa pâng-keng ê thang-á, khòaⁿ hui-ki kàng lo̍h-lâi. Hit-sî Newark iáu sī chi̍t-ê tē-khu ki-tiûⁿ."

"Lín chhù ū nn̄g-chàn?"

"Tio̍h. Góa ê pâng-keng tī jī-lâu. Kā góa kóng iú-koan lí ê tāi-chì."

"Góa sī gō͘ hiaⁿ-tī ê tē-saⁿ ê. Goán tī chi̍t-ê sàn-chhiah chhun-chng tōa-hàn. Góa tī lī-khui ko-tiong ê sî chiah tit-tio̍h góa ê tē-it siang ê-á." Gopal ná kā yi kóng ka-tī ê kò͘-sū, ná siūⁿ khí kòe-khì i án-nóa the̍h ka-tī gín-á sî-tāi ê kò͘-sū lâi hō͘ Gitu kám-kak pān-tōaⁿ, i ê siaⁿ lú lâi lú sè. "Ta̍k-lâng lóng hām goán kāng-khoán, só͘-í góa m̄-bat kám-kak ka-tī sàn."

In án-né khai-káng pòaⁿ tiám-cheng, tōa pō͘-hūn sī Gopal mn̄g būn-tê, chhì boeh chhōe-chhut Shaw Tt ê jio̍k-tiám, koh kō͘ chit-ê jio̍k-tiám lâi hō͘ ka-tī tùi yi ū khip-ín-la̍t. Sui-bóng yi thán-pe̍k hôe-tap i ê būn-tê, m̄-koh Gopal chhōe bē-tio̍h bô khoài-lo̍k ê gín-á sî, a̍h sī pī pàng-sak thài-thài ê chhòng-siong, thang kái-soeh chit-chūn chiūⁿ-chhn̂g ê kip-pek-sèng. "Góa goân-pún tō kè-ōe boeh lī-khui goán ang," yi sûi-ì kái-soeh kóng. "I siáu-siáu. Chin-chiàⁿ ê khí-siáu. I siūⁿ-kóng ka-tī ē chiâⁿ-chò sán-gia̍p ê thâu-lâng a̍h chham-gī-oân. I bô khì teng-kì tâu-phiò. I tùi seng-lí bô pòaⁿ-phiat. Ū chi̍t-kái, i chha-put-to kā goán ê it-chhè lóng tâu-chu tī Southampton ê chúi-keng lông-tiûⁿ. Hām i chò-hóe, góa chóng-sī kiaⁿ ē piàn sàn. I bat múi lé-pài khai 200 kho͘ bé chhái-phiò, i kā kū ê chhái-phiò siu tī chhia-khò͘ ê ê-a̍p-á ni̍h." Gopal kò-jîn bô bat lī-hun ê Indo lâng, i bat ê Bí-kok lâng mā bô se̍k-sāi kah thang chai lī-hun seⁿ-chò siáⁿ-khoán, m̄-koh i só͘ siūⁿ ê sī koh-khah thòng-khó͘ -- ba̍k-sái kap ai-oàn. Yi thê-kiong ê sè-chiat hō͘ chit-ê kò͘-sū thiaⁿ khí-lâi chin-si̍t, chū án-ne i khai-sí siūⁿ, i éng-oán bô khó-lêng khòng-chè Shaw Tt.

 Peh-tiám chó-iū, Shaw Tt kóng, "E-àm góa tio̍h chhú-lí góa ê siàu-toaⁿ." Gopal goân-pún hòⁿ-kî yi sī-m̄-sī ē lâu i chò-hóe chia̍h-àm koh tâng-chê kòe-mê. I tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē kah-ì án-ne, m̄-koh i bô khòng-gī.

Yi tī i sin-āu koaiⁿ-mn̂g ê sî, Shaw Tt kóng, "Lu-chháu-ki tī āu-piah. Lí nā boeh the̍h cháu." Í-keng àm ah, thiⁿ-chheⁿ í-keng chhut-lâi. Gopal sak lu-chháu-ki chiūⁿ-lō͘ ê sî, i hi-bāng i ài Shaw Tt, mā hi-bāng yi ài i.

I bē-kì-tit koaiⁿ chàu-kha ê teng, he kng khòaⁿ tio̍h chin sù-sī. "Chán, chán, khah hoaⁿ-hí leh," i chhut-siaⁿ kóng, ná tī chàu-kha se̍h. "Lí ū chi̍t-ê ài-jîn ah." I chhì boeh bî-chhiò, soah piàn-chò koài-bīn. "Lí ē-tàng chhiâng-chāi chò-ài, chí-iàu lí siūⁿ boeh. Tio̍h hoaⁿ-hí." I khai-sí khoán àm-tǹg. I chhá iûⁿ-kak-tāu (okra), koh chhoe hông-tè-tāu. I chú-pn̄g koh hang pháng.

Chia̍h-pn̄g ê sî, i khòaⁿ chi̍t-chhut tiān-sī tiān-iáⁿ, sī iú-koan chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ hun-bê 20-nî, chi̍t-kang hut-jiân chhéⁿ khí-lâi; hō͘ yi koh-khah bē hun-bêng ê sī, yi ū sin-īn. Oáⁿ-pôaⁿ sé hó liáu, i kā tī siong-tiûⁿ khai-sí ê Cosmopolitan bûn-chiuⁿ tha̍k liáu. Chit-phiⁿ sī nn̄g pō͘-hūn ê tē-jī pō͘-hūn, bûn-chiuⁿ ū kóng tio̍h, tē-it kái chò-ài lī-khui ê sî, chóng tio̍h an-pâi āu chi̍t-kái ê kìⁿ-bīn. Gopal tú-chiah bô án-ne chò, chū án-ne i khà tiān-ōe hō͘ Shaw Tt.

I iōng chàu-kha ê tiān-ōe, teh tán yi chiap tiān-ōe ê sî, i hòⁿ-kî, i kám ū su-iàu pò-miâ, a̍h-sī yi ū khó-lêng ē-jīn-tit i ê siaⁿ. "Hái, Helen," yi chi̍t-ē kóng "Halo," i sûi án-ne kóng. "Góa tú teh siūⁿ lí, tō siūⁿ-kóng lâi khà tiān-ōe." Taⁿ i kám-kak, pí hām yi chò-hóe ê sî koh-khah kín-tiuⁿ.

"Chiâⁿ kám-sim," yi kóng, he kháu-khì Gopal kám-kak un-jiû. "Lí hó bô?"

"Góa tú chia̍h kòe àm-tǹg. Lí chia̍h bōe?" I sióng-siōng yi chē tī nn̄g-chiah phòng-í tiong-kan ê tē-pán, bīn-chêng khǹg chi̍t-tui siu-kì. Yi ê chhiú ni̍h eng-kai ū gia̍h iân-pit.

"Góa bē iau. Góa thong-siông chian omlet chò àm-tǹg chia̍h, m̄-koh e-àm góa m̄ chia̍h. Góa tng-teh koh lim chi̍t-poe ím-liāu. Jiân-āu, yi ka-tī siūⁿ-tio̍h siáⁿ, tō koh kóng, "Nā bô, góa ē kā-gê. Lī-hun liáu góa tō khai-sí án-ne, góa bô kiān-khong pó-hiám, mā bô chîⁿ thang khòaⁿ khí-kho." Gopal siūⁿ boeh mn̄g yi kám iáu ē kā-gê, m̄-koh i bô-ài ū siáⁿ-mih àm-sī.

- -

5. 她 ê 眠床大頂 koh 低

她 ê 眠床大頂 koh 低甲欲倚塗跤. 後面有一扇窗仔, 雖罔簾仔有搝落來, 經過 ê 車燈會投影 tī 對面向 ê 壁. Gopal 倒 tī Shaw Tt ê 邊仔, 看 he 燈影 ê 改變. 伊伸手摸頭, 發現雙爿 ê 頭鬃 giàng 起來, ná 像兩支角. 看著一个和 in 某 ê 尺度差 hiah 濟 ê 新露體, 彼種著驚予伊真激動. 伊小可頭眩目暗, 袂輸伊檢查銀行口座, 發現內底賰比伊期待 ê 加幾若千箍. "你生做誠媠," 伊講, 因為 Cosmopolitan 有建議, 做愛了著 án-ne 講. Shaw Tt 翻一下身, 唚伊 ê 肩胛頭.

"無, 我無媠. 我 siuⁿ 大箍, 我 ê 鼻 mā 怪怪. 毋過, 多謝你," 她講. Gopal 看她, 看著她 ê 喙雖然 làu-làu, 四周 ê 線條猶是真明. "你看著 ká-ná 拄拄 ùi 烘焦機 peh 出來," 她講, koh 笑出來. 她 ê 笑聲突然 koh 自信. 以前伊無注意著, 這予伊家治 mā 起愛笑.

In 兩人攏 koh 恬去, 倒 tī 遐過幾若分鐘, 等 Gopal 開始感覺自我意識 ê 時, 伊講, "講看覓, 你蹛 ê 第一間厝生做啥款."

Shaw Tt 坐起來. 她 ê 腹肚泏出來, 她 ê 兩捾奶 làu-làu. 看著伊 teh 看, 她 kō͘ 跤頭趺閘她 ê 胸坎. "你誠有想法," 她講.

Gopal 感覺受著 o-ló. "Oh, 這毋是啥想法."

"我想, 若毋是因為你 ê 腔口, 這个問題聽起來真假," 她講. Gopal 感覺伊 ê 胃 teh 絞. "我蹛 tī 一个街區, 遐有部隊起予回國阿兵哥蹛 ê 細間厝仔. 厝仔攏真單調, 厝埕連做伙. 厝倚 tī Newark 機場. 我佮意坐 tī 我房間 ê 窗仔, 看飛機降落來. 彼時 Newark 猶是一个地區機場."

"恁厝有兩層?"

"著. 我 ê 房間 tī 二樓. Kā 我講有關你 ê 代誌."

"我是五兄弟 ê 第三 ê. 阮 tī 一个散赤村庄大漢. 我 tī 離開高中 ê 時才得著我 ê 第一雙鞋仔." Gopal ná kā 她講家治 ê 故事, ná 想起過去伊按怎提家治囡仔時代 ê 故事來予 Gitu 感覺貧惰, 伊 ê 聲 lú 來 lú 細. "逐人攏和阮仝款, 所以我毋捌感覺家治散."

In án-né 開講半點鐘, 大部份是 Gopal 問問題, 試欲揣出 Shaw Tt ê 弱點, koh kō͘ 這个弱點來予家治對她有吸引力. 雖罔她坦白回答伊 ê 問題, 毋過 Gopal 揣袂著無快樂 ê 囡仔時, a̍h 是被放捒太太 ê 創傷, 通解說這陣上床 ê 急迫性. "我原本 tō 計畫欲離開阮翁," 她隨意解說講. "伊痟痟. 真正 ê 起痟. 伊想講家治會成做產業 ê 頭人 a̍h 參議員. 伊無去登記投票. 伊對生理無半撇. 有一改, 伊差不多 kā 阮 ê 一切攏投資 tī Southampton ê 水耕農場. 和伊做伙, 我總是驚會變散. 伊捌每禮拜開 200 箍買彩票, 伊 kā 舊 ê 彩票收 tī 車庫 ê 鞋盒仔 ni̍h." Gopal 個人無捌離婚 ê Indo 人, 伊捌 ê 美國人 mā 無熟似甲 thang 知離婚生做啥款, 毋過伊所想 ê 是閣較痛苦 -- 目屎 kap 哀怨. 她提供 ê 細節予這个故事聽起來真實, 自 án-ne 伊開始想, 伊永遠無可能控制 Shaw Tt.

 八點左右, Shaw Tt 講, "下暗我著處理我 ê 數單." Gopal 原本好奇她是毋是會留伊做伙食暗 koh 同齊過暝. 伊定著會佮意 án-ne, 毋過伊無抗議.

她 tī 伊身後關門 ê 時, Shaw Tt 講, "攄草機 tī 後壁. 你若欲提走." 已經暗 ah, 天星已經出來. Gopal 捒攄草機上路 ê 時, 伊希望伊愛 Shaw Tt, mā 希望她愛伊.

伊袂記得關灶跤 ê 燈, he 光看著真四序. "讚, 讚, 較歡喜 leh," 伊出聲講, ná tī 灶跤踅. "你有一个愛人 ah." 伊試欲微笑, 煞變做怪面. "你會當常在做愛, 只要你想欲. 著歡喜." 伊開始款暗頓. 伊炒羊角豆 (okra), koh 炊皇帝豆. 伊煮飯 koh 烘 pháng.

食飯 ê 時, 伊看一齣電視電影, 是有關一个查某昏迷 20 年, 一工忽然醒起來; 予她閣較袂分明 ê 是, 她有身孕. 碗盤洗好了, 伊 kā tī 商場開始 ê Cosmopolitan 文章讀了. 這篇是兩部份 ê 第二部份, 文章有講著, 第一改做愛離開 ê 時, 總著安排後一改 ê 見面. Gopal 拄才無 án-ne 做, 自 án-ne 伊敲電話予 Shaw Tt.

伊用灶跤 ê 電話, teh 等她接電話 ê 時, 伊好奇, 伊敢有需要報名, a̍h 是她有可能會認得伊 ê 聲. "Hái, Helen," 她一下講 "Halo," 伊隨 án-ne 講. "我拄 teh 想你, tō 想講來敲電話." 今伊感覺, 比和她做伙 ê 時閣較緊張.

"誠感心," 她講, 彼口氣 Gopal 感覺溫柔. "你好無?"

"我拄食過暗頓. 你食未?" 伊想像她坐 tī 兩隻膨椅中間 ê 地板, 面前囥一堆收據. 她 ê 手 ni̍h 應該有攑鉛筆.

"我袂枵. 我通常煎 omlet 做暗頓食, 毋過下暗我毋食. 我 tng-teh koh 啉一杯飲料. 然後, 她家治想著啥, tō 閣講, "若無, 我會咬牙. 離婚了我 tō 開始 án-ne, 我無健康保險, mā 無錢通看齒科." Gopal 想欲問她敢猶會咬牙, 毋過伊無愛有啥物暗示.

- -

5.

Her bed was large and low to the ground. Behind it was a window, and although the shade was drawn, the lights of passing cars cast patterns on the opposing wall. Gopal lay next to Mrs. Shaw and watched the shadows change. He felt his head and found that his hair was standing up on either side like horns. The shock of seeing a new naked body, so different in its amplitude from his wife's, had been exciting. A part of him was giddy with this, as if he had checked his bank balance and discovered that he had thousands more than he expected. "You are very beautiful," he said, for Cosmopolitan had advised saying this after making love. Mrs. Shaw rolled over and kissed his shoulder.

"No, I'm not. I'm kind of fat, and my nose is strange. But thank you," she said. Gopal looked at her and saw that even when her mouth was slack, the lines around it were deep. "You look like you've been rolled around in a dryer," she said, and laughed. Her laughter was sudden and confident. He had not noticed it before, and it made him laugh as well.

They became silent and lay quietly for several minutes, and when Gopal began feeling self-conscious, he said, "Describe the first house you lived in."

Mrs. Shaw sat up. Her stomach bulged, and her breasts drooped. She saw him looking and pulled her knees to her chest. "You're very thoughtful," she said.

Gopal felt flattered. "Oh, it's not thoughtfulness."

"I guess if it weren't for your accent, the questions would sound artificial," she said. Gopal felt his stomach clench. "I lived in a block of small houses that the Army built for returning GIs. They were all drab, and the lawns ran into each other. They were near Newark airport. I liked to sit at my window and watch the planes land. That was when Newark was a local airport."

"Your house was two stories?"

"Yes. And my room was on the second floor. Tell me about yourself."

"I am the third of five brothers. We grew up in a small, poor village. I got my first pair of shoes when I left high school." As Gopal was telling her the story, he remembered how he used to make Gitu feel lazy with stories of his childhood, and his voice fell. "Everybody was like us, so I never thought of myself as poor."

They talked this way for half an hour, with Gopal asking most of the questions and trying to discover where Mrs. Shaw was vulnerable and how this vulnerability made him attractive to her. Although she answered his questions candidly, Gopal could not find the unhappy childhood or the trauma of an abandoned wife that might explain the urgency of this moment in bed. "I was planning to leave my husband," she explained casually. "He was crazy. Almost literally. He thought he was going to be a captain of industry or a senator. He wasn't registered to vote. He knew nothing about business. Once, he invested almost everything we had in a hydroponic farm in Southampton. With him I was always scared of being poor. He used to spend two hundred dollars a week on lottery tickets, and he would save the old tickets in shoe boxes in the garage." Gopal did not personally know any Indian who was divorced, and he had never been intimate enough with an American to learn what a divorce was like, but he had expected something more painful -- tears and recriminations. The details she gave made the story sound practiced, and he began to think that he would never have a hold over Mrs. Shaw.

Around eight Mrs. Shaw said, "I am going to do my bills tonight." Gopal had been wondering whether she wanted him to have dinner with her and spend the night. He would have liked to, but he did not protest.

As she closed the door behind him, Mrs. Shaw said, "The lawn mower's in the back. If you want it." Night had come, and the stars were out. As Gopal pushed the lawn mower down the road, he wished that he loved Mrs. Shaw and that she loved him.

He had left the kitchen light on by mistake, and its glow was comforting. "Come, come, cheer up," he said aloud, pacing in the kitchen. "You have a lover." He tried to smile and grimaced instead. "You can make love as often as you want. Be happy." He started preparing dinner. He fried okra and steam-cooked lentils. He made both rice and bread.

As he ate, Gopal watched a television movie about a woman who had been in a coma for twenty years and suddenly woke up one day; adding to her confusion, she was pregnant. After washing the dishes he finished the article in Cosmopolitan that he had begun reading in the mall. The article was the second of two parts, and it mentioned that when leaving after making love for the first time, one should always arrange the next meeting. Gopal had not done this, and he phoned Mrs. Shaw.

He used the phone in the kitchen, and as he waited for her to pick up, he wondered whether he should introduce himself or assume that she would recognize his voice. "Hi, Helen," he blurted out as soon as she said "Hello." "I was just thinking of you and thought I'd call." He felt more nervous now than he had while he was with her.

"That's sweet," she said, with what Gopal thought was tenderness. "How are you?"

"I just had dinner. Did you eat?" He imagined her sitting on the floor between the couches with a pile of receipts before her. She would have a small pencil in her hand.

"I'm not hungry. I normally make myself an omelet for dinner, but I didn't want to tonight. I'm having another drink." Then, self-conscious, she added, "Otherwise I grind my teeth. I started after my divorce and I didn't have health insurance or enough money to go to a dentist." Gopal wanted to ask if she still ground her teeth, but he did not want to imply anything.

- -

4. 下暗 in 凡勢會做愛

4. E-àm in hoān-sè ē chò-ài

In sio-phēng chē tī phòng-í lim ím-liāu. Chi̍t-pha tâi-teng ê sòaⁿ-kng iā hiòng in.

"To-siā lí kā lu-chháu-ki chioh góa iōng."

"He bô siáⁿ lah." Kú-kú ê tiām-chēng. Gopal siūⁿ bô siáⁿ thang kóng. Cosmopolitan ū kiàn-gī, tio̍h chīn-liōng to-to liáu-kái lí ê ài-jîn, só͘-tì i mn̄g, "Lí kah-ì siaⁿ-mih sek?"

"Án-nóa kóng?"

"Góa siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ lí ê it-chhè."

"Chiâⁿ kám-sim," Shaw Tt kóng, ná phok i ê chhiú. Gopal kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè, ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ kē khì. I m̄-chai sī-m̄-sī tio̍h kóng kah chiah thán-pe̍h, m̄-koh i chi̍t pō͘-hūn ì-tô͘ sī boeh kō͘ i tùi yi ê hèng-chhù lâi pa-kiat yi. "Góa bô te̍k-pia̍t kah-ì ê sek," yi kóng. Yi ê chhiú iáu tī i ê chhiú hia.

Gopal hut-jiân siūⁿ tio̍h, e-àm in hoān-sè ē chò-ài, kám-kak sim-koaⁿ phi̍h-pho̍k tiô. "Kóng lí ê it-chhè hō͘ góa thiaⁿ," i kō͘ chhiong-móa kám-sèng ê siaⁿ-tiāu án-ne kóng. "Lí tī tó-ūi chhut-sì?"

"Góa chhut-sì tī Jersey Chhī, gō͘-goe̍h chhe gō͘, m̄-koh góa m̄-kóng sī tó chi̍t-nî." Gopal kek chi̍t-ê hó-sńg gi-chhùi ê bīn, ná kín kā ji̍t-chí kì tio̍h. I sió-khóa kám-kak gāi-gio̍h, in-ūi yi tùi i bô chū-chāi kah khéng thàu-lō͘ yi ê nî-kí. 

"Lí sī tī hia tōa-hàn ê sioh?" i mn̄g, ná sip chi̍t-chhùi gin io̍h-chiú. Gopal bān-bān lim, in-ūi chai-iáⁿ i ê chiú-liōng bô hó. I khòaⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt ê kha-cháiⁿ chhat chhiⁿ-âng ê. Anita m̄-bat chhat chéng-kah, Gopal hòⁿ-kî, chhat kha-cháiⁿ ê cha-bo͘ ē chhòng-siáⁿ neh.

"Saⁿ-hòe ê sî, goán tō poaⁿ khì Newark. Goán pē-bú khui chi̍t-keng pò-chóa-thn̂g-á tiàm. Goán bē khah-phìⁿ hām iû-phiò." Shaw Tt ê ím-liāu lim boeh liáu ah. "Chá-khí 8-tiám khui-mn̂g, àm-sî 7-tiám 30 koaiⁿ. Chi̍t lé-pài khui 6 kang." Lim ím-liāu ê tiong-kan, yi kā poe-á khòe tī kha-thâu-u.

Gopal m̄-bat tú tio̍h jīm-hô tī hit-chióng tiàm kang-chok ê lâng, só͘-í i tùi yi só͘ kóng ê chin-chiàⁿ kám-kak chhù-bī. I siūⁿ khí ka-tī tùi Kitok-Seⁿ party bô hèng-chhù, soah hòⁿ-kî, kám sī in-ūi tùi seks ê kî-thāi, hō͘ i tùi Shaw Tt ê kò͘-sū tio̍h-bê. "Lí ê gín-á sî-tāi khoài-lo̍k bô?" i mn̄g, chhùi-á gi-gi koh sûi ha̍p-chhùi, in-ūi i bô-ài hián-tit sī teh khau-sé. Gopal lim ê hit pòaⁿ-poe í-keng hō͘ i kám-kak thâu-khak khin, sim-chêng sóng.

"Oh, chiâⁿ khoài-lo̍k leh," yi kóng, "sui-bóng góa jīn-ûi ka-tī chin giâm-siok. Góa ē ná khòaⁿ hông-hun ê thiⁿ-téng, ná siūⁿ-kóng bô-lâng ū góa chit-khoán ê kám-siū." Shaw Tt tùi ka-tī kám-siū ê lí-kái hō͘ Gopal kám-kak put-an, hō͘ i chi̍t-sî kám-kak bô tit-tio̍h siáⁿ tiōng-iàu ê sìn-sit, a̍h sī kóng, bó͘-chióng thêng-tō͘, yi sī to̍k-li̍p tī yi ê kòe-khì, só͘-í bē-tàng ná i ê kî-thāi, in-ūi tùi kòe-khì ê hoâi-liām cheng-ka yi tùi i ê ài-loân.

"Cosmopolitan" ū kiàn-gī, phōaⁿ-lū siang-hong lóng tio̍h hián-lō͘ ka-tī, só͘-tì Gopal koat-tēng boeh kóng chit-ê iú-koan ka-tī ê kò͘-sū. I m̄-sìn, tùi ka-tī láu-si̍t ē chin-chiàⁿ kái-piàn ka-tī. Tian-tò sī, i jīn-ûi, thiau-kò͘-ì kóng chit-ê kò͘-sū, ē chhiúⁿ-cháu hāi i chhùi-jio̍k ê le̍k-liōng. I khui-chhùi khai-sí kóng, m̄-koh ōe kóng bē sūn, i tō kóng, "Lí chai lah, góa bē-hiáu lim-chiú." Gopal in-ūi chit-kù bô koan-liân ê ōe kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè. I kám-kak ka-tī hàm-kó͘, sui-bóng i hi-bōng i boeh kóng ê kò͘-sū ē hō͘ i hián-tit chin bat chêng-lí.

"Ùi lín-tau ê kó-chiap, góa sió-khóa ū ioh tio̍h," yi ná bî-chhiò ná án-ne kóng. Gopal mā chhiò chhut-lâi.

I chhì boeh kóng chhut tú-chiah boeh thán-pe̍h ê ōe. "Góa kā lim-chíu hām chiâⁿ-chò Bí-kok lâng liân-siūⁿ chò-hóe, m̄-koh góa iáu bô hoat-tō͘ chin-chiàⁿ chiâⁿ-chò Bí-kok lâng. Goán chă-kiáⁿ 19-hòe seⁿ-ji̍t hit-kang, goán chhōa yi khì chia̍h-pn̄g hām khòaⁿ tiān-iáⁿ, goán bô siáⁿ kóng-ōe, hit-tǹg pn̄g iū pí goán ê kî-thāi khah chá kiat-sok. Chhan-thiaⁿ sī tī siong-tiûⁿ ni̍h, tiān-iáⁿ khai-ián chìn-chêng goán bô siáⁿ thang chò, tō khì se̍h Si̍t-phín-Siâⁿ." Gopal kám-kak i kóng kah chiâⁿ pi-chêng, só͘-í siūⁿ boeh kái-piàn kò͘-sū. "Lâi Bí-kok chiah chē nî, góa tùi hiah-ê tōa-hêng cha̍p-hòe-tiàm iáu sī kám-kak chin kiaⁿ-lâng, koh chin kah-ì ji̍p-khì se̍h. M̄-koh goán chă-kiáⁿ sī Bí-kok lâng, só͘-í goán khì se̍h Si̍t-phín-Siâⁿ, tùi yi lâi kóng, tiāⁿ-tio̍h chin kî-koài. Yi thiaⁿ bô Hindi gí, yin pē-bú tiāⁿ-tio̍h khòaⁿ khí-lâi mā chiâⁿ kî-koài." Gopal kám-kak sim-koaⁿ phi̍h-pho̍k kiò. I hòⁿ-kî, i sī-m̄-sī pí i só͘ chai ê ka-tī khah pi-ai.

"Chiâⁿ kám-sim," Shaw Tt kóng. Yi ê hoán-èng chiah-nī kán-té, hō͘ Gopal khí kín-tiuⁿ.

Shaw Tt chim i ê chhùi-phé. Gopal chù-ì tio̍h, yi ê chhùi-tûn ta-ta. I sió-khóa oa̍t chi̍t-ē, thang-hó hō͘ siang-lâng ê chhùi-tûn sio-tú. In koh sio-chim. Shaw Tt kā chhùi-tûn peh-khui, ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh. In sio-chim chin kú chi̍t-khùn. Tán in giú-khui liáu-āu, in kè-sio̍k pêng-chēng kau-tâm, bē-su in í-keng hō͘-siong chin koàn-sì ah. "Góa tha̍k tāi-ha̍k chìn-chêng m̄-bat khì tōa-keng cha̍p-hòe-tiàm," yi kóng. "Goán chóng-sī khì chhù hū-kīn ê sè-keng tiàm-á. Tē-it kái khòaⁿ tio̍h he tn̂g-tn̂g ê kòe-tō ê sî, góa hòⁿ-kî, nā bô-lâng bé, hiah-ê hòe boeh án-chóaⁿ hó. Hit-sî góa hām chi̍t-ê ke góa 7|8 hòe ê cha-po͘ tòa chò-hóe, góa án-ne kā kóng ê sî, i kā góa chhiò, hō͘ góa kám-kak ka-tī chiâⁿ chíⁿ." Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, jiân-āu koh pó͘-chhiong kóng, "Lo̍h-bóe góa lī-khui i, in-ūi i chóng-sī hō͘ góa kám-kak ka-tī chin chíⁿ." Yi ê bīn kan-ta lī Gopal ê bīn chi̍t/nn̄g inch. "Taⁿ góa goān-ì kè hō͘ chi̍t-ê hō͘ góa hit-chióng kám-kak ê lâng." Chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h m̄-chai yi hām gōa-chē cha-po͘ khùn kòe, Gopal ê romantik chêng-hoâi sûi tō siau-hong khì. M̄-koh, Shaw Tt hām i siang-lâng só͘ keng-le̍k ê chit-ê sū-si̍t, siau-tî chi̍t pō͘-hūn i só͘ kám-kak ê ko͘-toaⁿ, jî-chhiáⁿ Shaw Tt ê leng koh hiah tōa-lia̍p. In koh-chài sio-chim. Chin kín, siang-lâng tō tó tī tē-pán péng khí péng lo̍h, iū-koh so lâi so khì.

- -

4. 下暗 in 凡勢會做愛

In 相並坐 tī 膨椅啉飲料. 一葩台燈 ê 散光掖向 in.

"多謝你 kā 攄草機借我用."

"彼無啥 lah." 久久 ê 恬靜. Gopal 想無啥通講. Cosmopolitan 有建議, 著盡量多多了解你 ê 愛人, 所致伊問, "你佮意啥物色?"

"按怎講?"

"我想欲知影你 ê 一切."

"誠感心," Shaw Tt 講, ná 撲伊 ê 手. Gopal 感覺歹勢歹勢, 目睭看低去. 伊毋知是毋是著講甲 chiah 坦白, 毋過伊一部份意圖是欲 kō͘ 伊對她 ê 興趣來巴結她. "我無特別佮意 ê 色," 她講. 她 ê 手猶 tī 伊 ê 手遐.

Gopal 忽然想著, 下暗 in 凡勢會做愛, 感覺心肝 phi̍h-pho̍k 趒. "講你 ê 一切予我聽," 伊 kō͘ 充滿感性 ê 聲調 án-ne 講. "你 tī 佗位出世?"

"我出世 tī Jersey 市, 五月初五, 毋過我毋講是佗一年." Gopal 激一个好耍 gi 喙 ê 面, ná 緊 kā 日子記著. 伊小可感覺礙虐, 因為她對伊無自在甲肯透露她 ê 年紀. 

"你是 tī 遐大漢 ê sioh?" 伊問, ná sip 一喙 gin 藥酒. Gopal 慢慢啉, 因為知影伊 ê 酒量無好. 伊看著 Shaw Tt ê 跤指漆鮮紅 ê. Anita 毋捌漆指甲, Gopal 好奇, 漆跤指 ê 查某會創啥 neh.

"三歲 ê 時, 阮 tō 搬去 Newark. 阮爸母開一間報紙糖仔店. 阮賣卡片和郵票." Shaw Tt ê 飲料啉欲了 ah. "早起 8 點開門, 暗時 7 點 30 關. 一禮拜開 6 工." 啉飲料 ê 中間, 她 kā 杯仔蹶 tī 跤頭趺.

Gopal 毋捌拄著任何 tī 彼種店工作 ê 人, 所以伊對她所講 ê 真正感覺趣味. 伊想起家治對基督生 party 無興趣, 煞好奇, 敢是因為對 seks ê 期待, 予伊對 Shaw Tt ê 故事著迷. "你 ê 囡仔時代快樂無?" 伊問, 喙仔 gi-gi koh 隨合喙, 因為伊無愛顯得是 teh 剾洗. Gopal 啉 ê 彼半杯已經予伊感覺頭殼輕, 心情爽.

"Oh, 誠快樂 leh," 她講, "雖罔我認為家治真嚴肅. 我會 ná 看黃昏 ê 天頂, ná 想講無人有我這款 ê 感受." Shaw Tt 對家治感受 ê 理解予 Gopal 感覺不安, 予伊一時感覺無得著啥重要 ê 信息, a̍h 是講, 某種程度, 她是獨立 tī 她 ê 過去, 所以袂當 ná 伊 ê 期待, 因為對過去 ê 懷念增加她對伊 ê 愛戀.

"Cosmopolitan" 有建議, 伴侶雙方攏著顯露家治, 所致 Gopal 決定欲講這个有關家治 ê 故事. 伊毋信, 對家治老實會真正改變家治. 顛倒是, 伊認為, 刁故意講這个故事, 會搶走害伊脆弱 ê 力量. 伊開喙開始講, 毋過話講袂順, 伊 tō 講, "你知 lah, 我袂曉啉酒." Gopal 因為這句無關連 ê 話感覺歹勢. 伊感覺家治譀古, 雖罔伊希望伊欲講 ê 故事會予伊顯得真捌情理.

"Ùi 恁兜 ê 果汁, 我小可有臆著," 她 ná 微笑 ná án-ne 講. Gopal mā 笑出來.

伊試欲講出拄才欲坦白 ê 話. "我 kā 啉酒和成做美國人連想做伙, 毋過我猶無法度真正成做美國人. 阮 chă 囝 19 歲生日彼工, 阮 chhōa 她去食飯和看電影, 阮無啥講話, 彼頓飯又比阮 ê 期待較早結束. 餐廳是 tī 商場 ni̍h, 電影開演進前阮無啥通做, tō 去踅食品城." Gopal 感覺伊講甲誠悲情, 所以想欲改變故事. "來美國 chiah 濟年, 我對 hiah-ê 大型雜貨店猶是感覺真驚人, koh 真佮意入去踅. 毋過阮 chă 囝是美國人, 所以阮去踅食品城, 對她來講, 定著真奇怪. 她聽無 Hindi 語, 姻爸母定著看起來 mā 誠奇怪." Gopal 感覺心肝 phi̍h-pho̍k 叫. 伊好奇, 伊是毋是比伊所知 ê 家治較悲哀.

"誠感心," Shaw Tt 講. 她 ê 反應 chiah-nī 簡短, 予 Gopal 起緊張.

Shaw Tt 唚伊 ê 喙䫌. Gopal 注意著, 她 ê 喙唇焦焦. 伊小可越一下, 通好予雙人 ê 喙唇相拄. In koh 相唚. Shaw Tt kā 喙唇擘開, 目睭瞌瞌. In 相唚真久一睏. 等 in 搝開了後, in 繼續平靜交談, 袂輸 in 已經互相真慣勢 ah. "我讀大學進前毋捌去大間雜貨店," 她講. "阮總是去厝附近 ê 細間店仔. 第一改看著 he 長長 ê 過道 ê 時, 我好奇, 若無人買, hiah-ê 貨欲按怎好. 彼時我和一个加我 7|8 歲 ê 查埔蹛做伙, 我 án-ne kā 講 ê 時, 伊 kā 我笑, 予我感覺家治誠茈." 她停落來, 然後 koh 補充講, "落尾我離開伊, 因為伊總是予我感覺家治真茈." 她 ê 面干焦離 Gopal ê 面一兩 inch. "今我願意嫁予一个予我彼種感覺 ê 人." 一下想著毋知她和偌濟查埔睏過, Gopal ê romantik 情懷隨 tō 消風去. 毋過, Shaw Tt 和伊雙人所經歷 ê 這个事實, 消除一部份伊所感覺 ê 孤單, 而且 Shaw Tt ê 奶 koh hiah 大粒. In 閣再相唚. 真緊, 雙人 tō 倒 tī 地板反起反落, 又閣挲來挲去.

- -

4.

They sat side by side on a couch and sipped their drinks. A table lamp cast a diffused light over them.

"Thank you for letting me borrow the lawn mower."

"It's nothing." There was a long pause. Gopal could not think of anything to say. Cosmopolitan had suggested trying to learn as much as possible about your lover, so he asked, "What's your favorite color?"

"Why?"

"I want to know everything about you."

"That's sweet," Mrs. Shaw said, and patted his hand. Gopal felt embarrassed and looked down. He did not know whether he should have spoken so frankly, but part of his intention had been to flatter her with his interest. "I don't have one," she said. She kept her hand on his.

Gopal suddenly thought that they might make love tonight, and he felt his heart kick. "Tell me all about yourself," he said with a voice full of feeling. "Where were you born?"

"I was born in Jersey City on May fifth, but I won't tell you the year." Gopal tried to grin gamely and memorize the date. A part of him was disturbed that she did not feel comfortable enough with him to reveal her age.

"Did you grow up there?" he asked, taking a sip of the gin and tonic. Gopal drank slowly, because he knew that he could not hold his alcohol. He saw that Mrs. Shaw's toes were painted bright red. Anita had never used nail polish, and Gopal wondered what a woman who would paint her toenails might do.

"I moved to Newark when I was three. My parents ran a newspaper-and-candy shop. We sold greeting cards, stamps." Mrs. Shaw had nearly finished her drink. "They opened at eight in the morning and closed at seven-thirty at night. Six days a week." When she paused between swallows, she rested the glass on her knee.

Gopal had never known anyone who worked in such a shop, and he became genuinely interested in what she was saying. He remembered his lack of interest at the Christmas party and wondered whether it was the possibility of sex that made him fascinated with Mrs. Shaw's story. "Were you a happy child?" he asked, grinning broadly and then bringing the grin to a quick end, because he did not want to appear ironic. The half glass that Gopal had drunk had already begun to make him feel light-headed and gay.

"Oh, pretty happy," she said, "although I liked to think of myself as serious. I would look at the evening sky and think that no one else had felt what I was feeling." Mrs. Shaw's understanding of her own feelings disconcerted Gopal and made him momentarily think that he wasn't learning anything important, or that she was in some way independent of her past and thus incapable of the sentimental attachments through which he expected her love for him to grow.

Cosmopolitan had recommended that both partners reveal themselves, so Gopal decided to tell a story about himself. He did not believe that being honest about himself would actually change him. Rather, he thought the deliberateness of telling the story would rob it of the power to make him vulnerable. He started to say something, but the words twisted in his mouth, and he said, "You know, I don't really drink much." Gopal felt embarrassed by the non sequitur. He thought he sounded foolish, though he had hoped that the story he would tell would make him appear sensitive.

"I kind of guessed that from the juices," she said, smiling. Gopal laughed.

He tried to say what he had wanted to confess earlier. "I associate drinking with being American, and I haven't been able to truly Americanize. On my daughter's nineteenth birthday we took her to dinner and a movie, but we didn't talk much, and the dinner finished earlier than we had expected it would. The restaurant was in a mall, and we had nothing to do until the movie started, so we wandered around Foodtown." Gopal thought he sounded pathetic, so he tried to shift the story. "After all my years in America, I am still astonished by those huge grocery stores and enjoy walking in them. But my daughter is an American, so our wandering around in Foodtown must have been very strange for her. She doesn't know Hindi, and her parents must seem very strange." Gopal noticed that his heart was racing. He wondered if he was sadder than he knew.

"That's sweet," Mrs. Shaw said. The brevity of her response made Gopal nervous.

Mrs. Shaw kissed his cheek. Her lips were dry, Gopal noticed. He turned slightly so that their lips could touch. They kissed again. Mrs. Shaw opened her lips and closed her eyes. They kissed for a long time. When they pulled apart, they continued their conversation calmly, as if they were accustomed to each other. "I didn't go into a big grocery store until I was in college," she said. "We always went to the small shops around us. When I first saw those long aisles, I wondered what happens to the food if no one buys it. I was living then with a man who was seven or eight years older than I, and when I told him, he laughed at me, and I felt so young." She stopped and then added, "I ended up leaving him because he always made me feel young." Her face was only an inch or two from Gopal's. "Now I'd marry someone who could make me feel that way." Gopal felt his romantic feelings drain away at the idea of how many men she had slept with. But the fact that Mrs. Shaw and he had experienced something removed some of the loneliness he was feeling, and Mrs. Shaw had large breasts. They began kissing again. Soon they were tussling and groping on the floor.

- -

3. 伊癮愛過去 ê 生活

3. I giàn ài kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h

Án-ne í-gōa, Gopal chha-put-to hām chit-ê sè-kài bô siáⁿ kò-jîn ê chiap-chhiok. I koàn-sì chá khí àm khùn, m̄-koh taⁿ, in-ūi bô kang-chok mā bô pêng-iú, tī chá-sî ùi thâu kàu bóe tha̍k oân "New York Sî-pò" hām "Ka-têng Sin-bûn & Lūn-tôaⁿ Pò" liáu, Gopal kám-kak kui-ê ē-po͘ kap àm-sî lóng phû-phû. Ū kúi-ā lé-pài, ūi tio̍h chhiong-si̍t i ê ji̍t-chí, i chhì-khòaⁿ chi̍t-kang nn̄g-kái sé sin-khu kap thì chhùi-chhiu, chia̍h tiám-sim hām chiàⁿ-tǹg liáu lóng lù chhùi-khí. M̄-koh chit-chióng bô ì-gī ê hêng-ûi hō͘ i kám-kak choa̍t-bōng, chū án-ne i tian-tò m̄ koh-chài sé sin-khu, khai-sí lú khùn lú kú, sīm-chì chi̍t-kang khùn 16 tiám-cheng. I khùn tī tn̂g-tn̂g e̍h-e̍h ê kheh-thiaⁿ, hia koân koh tn̂g liau ê thang-á hō͘ chhiū-á cha̍h tio̍h. Ū chi̍t-kái, in-ūi hoat sèng-tē khì ka-tī, i kui-khì kā saⁿ-khò͘ ùi pâng-keng saⁿ-tû lóng sóa lâi khǹg tī kheh-thiaⁿ piah-kak, bián-tit kō͘ hoàn-sióng an-ùi ka-tī, siūⁿ kóng i ê seng-oa̍h sī chèng-siông ê.

M̄-koh i giàn ài kòe-khì ê seng-oa̍h, giàn ài chheng-khì ê chàu-kha, giàn ài khùn-pâng, giàn ài chhut-khì pha̍k ji̍t-thâu; chū án-ne hit chá-khí tī pòaⁿ ì-sek ê chúi-chún hā, Gopal koat-tēng lī-iōng boeh lia̍h tio̍h Shaw Tt ê chhì-kek, kā ka-tī piàn tò-tńg kòe-khì ê ka-tī. Yi hoān-sè ē lâi in tau siau-mô͘ sî-kan, i án-ne siūⁿ, só͘-tì i khai-sí lù chàu-kha tē-pán, poaⁿ-tńg khùn-pâng, kō͘ khip-tîn-khì piàⁿ-sàu só͘-ū ê pâng-keng. I iōng hit ē-po͘ tōa pō͘-hūn ê sî-kan chò che, mā it-ti̍t chù-ì tio̍h pōe-kéng ū i ê lu-chháu-ki ê hiⁿ siaⁿ. Chi̍t-ē chù-ì kā thiaⁿ, i ê sim-chōng tō khí-tiô. Sam-put-gō͘-sî, i tō thêng-khùn, cháu khì khùn-pâng ê thang-á, bih tī thang-lî āu-bīn, thau-thau lia̍h Shaw Tt tiu-tiu siòng. Yi tī hia̍h-thâu pa̍k chi̍t-tiâu âng tòa, i m̄-chai án-nóa kám-kak án-ne chin bê-lâng. Hit-àm i ūi ka-tī pān chi̍t-tǹg chheⁿ-chhau, chú saⁿ pôaⁿ chhài koh chò mango-seh (mango shake). Kúi-ā kò goe̍h lâi tē-it kái, Gopal khòaⁿ 11-tiám sin-bûn. I kā tiān-hóe koaiⁿ-tiāu, siang-kha khiau tī kē toh-á. Lebanon koh cho-siū hong-chà, Gopal bô-tāi-bô-chì khí ài-chhiò. I chhì siūⁿ bîn-á-chài boeh chhòng siáⁿ. Gopal chai-iaⁿ i teh hoaⁿ-hí, ūi-tio̍h bián-tit ut-chut, i tio̍h hō͘ ka-tī pó-chhî bô-êng, it-ti̍t kàu Shaw Tt khà tiān-ōe lâi. I hut-jiân ì-sek tio̍h, i m̄-chai Shaw Tt ê miâ. I sô-ji̍p àm bong-bong ê chàu-kha, khòaⁿ tiān-ōe phō͘. "Helen Shaw" in bó͘ ê tōa-khian jī án-ne siá tī hia. In bo͘ ê chit-chióng hong-sek ê pang-chō͘, hō͘ i chi̍t-sut-á to bē mâ-hoân, hiah sūn-lī, soah hō͘ i kám-kak kiàn-siàu.

Keh-kang sī lé-pài ji̍t, Gopal chhia̍k-chhia̍k-tiô teh kî-thāi, in-ūi lé-pài ji̍t ê "Sî-pò" chóng-sī kāu-kāu chi̍t-tha̍h, ū-kàu i tha̍k kui-ji̍t. M̄-koh chit-kái, i bô kā tha̍k thàu-thàu. I kā chheh-phêng hām kî-thaⁿ choan-nôa lâu lo̍h-lâi, thap í-āu kúi-kang ê sî-kan. Chia̍h chi̍t-tǹg phông-phài ê chá-tǹg liáu-āu -- hó-hó chú saⁿ-tǹg ê siūⁿ-hoat í-keng chhim-chhim khip-ín tio̍h i -- i cháu khì thì-thâu. Gopal í-keng kúi-ā kang bô lī-khui i ê chhù. I iô lo̍h i ê nâ-sek Honda Civic ê chhia-thang, sái khah tn̂g ê lō͘, keng-kòe ô͘, khì kàu siong-tiûⁿ. I bô khì chhōe pêng-siông ê thì-thâu-sai, sī khì chhōe chi̍t-ê hoat-hêng siat-kè-su hia, chi̍t-ê lâu tn̂g chéng-kah, leng tōa kah chuh-chuh ê cha-bó͘, seng kā i sé-thâu, chiah chián i ê thâu-chang. Koh-lâi, Gopal tī siong-tiûⁿ lin-long se̍h, hiáng-siū leng-iû pōng hoan-be̍h ê khì-bī, him-sióng ū-sî thâu-chang ní koài-sek ê ko͘-niû-á. I kiâⁿ-ji̍p chi̍t-kóa sè-keng tiàm khòaⁿ saⁿ-á, mā khó-lī boeh bé pòaⁿ-pōng cocoa kháu-bī ê kapi tāu, sui-bóng i it-hiòng bô chù-tiōng kapi. Kiâⁿ chha-put-to nn̄g tiám-cheng liáu-āu, Gopal chē tī chi̍t-tiâu tn̂g-í, ná chia̍h ais-krím-kóng, ná tha̍k "Cosmopolitan" cha̍p-chì ni̍h, iú-koan án-nóa chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê hó ê ài-jîn ê bûn-chiuⁿ. I tī CVS siong-tiàm khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-pún cha̍p-chì, chù-ì hong-bīn ū thê-khí chit-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ, hō͘ i siūⁿ-khí, tī Bí-kok, lâng-lâng chin hong-piān tō o̍h tio̍h sin ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. In-ūi Shaw Tt sī Bí-kok lâng, Gopal siūⁿ, i tio̍h gián-kiù in tùi i ê kî-thāi. Sui-jiân bûn-chiuⁿ sī kà cha-bó͘ án-nóa chiâⁿ-chò hó ê ài-jîn, che mā thê-kiong sòaⁿ-soh hō͘ cha-po͘. Gopal kám-kak ū chū-sìn, chí-iàu ū sî-kan, Shaw Tt chóng-sī ē ài tio̍h i. Bûn-chiuⁿ kā loân-ài siá kah chin khin-khó. Lí só͘ su-iàu chò ê tō sī chīn-sim thiaⁿ, kóng láu-si̍t ōe.

Gō͘-tiám chó-iū i tńg kàu chhù, kòe bô kú Shaw Tt tō khà tiān-ōe lâi. "Lí nā boeh, taⁿ lí ē-sái kòe lâi."

"Hó," Gopal kā ìn. I chin pêng-chēng. I seng khì sé sin-khu, chhēng nâ-sek mî siatchuh, khahki-sek tn̂g-khò͘. I kiâⁿ chhut-khì ê sî, thiⁿ-sek hún-âng, khong-khì ū tâm thô͘ ê bī. I kám-kak siàu-liân, bē-su i tú lâi-kàu Bí-kok, tōa chhioh-tō͘ ê sū-sū hāng-hāng mā hō͘ i chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê kī-jîn.

Tán i chhi̍h Shaw Tt ê mn̂g-lêng ê sî, Gopal soah khí kín-tiuⁿ. I oa̍t-sin khòaⁿ khòng-khoah thian-khong ni̍h ê pe̍h-hûn. I thiaⁿ tio̍h kha-pō͘ siaⁿ, jiân-āu mn̂g siú chi̍t-siaⁿ khui--khui, Shaw Tt ê siaⁿ. "Lí khòaⁿ khí-lâi chiâⁿ iân-tâu," yi kóng. Gopal bīn tùi yi, gi-gi chhiò, chin bô chū-chāi. Yi chhēng chi̍t-niá bô kāng ê ūn-tōng-saⁿ, m̄-koh iáu sī cha-hng ê bān-cháu-khò͘. Yi thǹg chhiah-kha. Yi ê āu-bīn tiám chi̍t-pha n̂g-sek ê teng-hóe.

"To-siā lí," Gopal kóng, sûi koh hiông-hiông ke chi̍t-siaⁿ "Helen," án-ne thang khak-tēng in ê sin koan-hē. "Lí khòaⁿ khí-lâi mā chin chán." Chāi i khòaⁿ, yi khak-si̍t chin súi. Shaw Tt khiā piⁿ-á hō͘ i ji̍p-lâi. In lâi kàu chi̍t-ê tōa pâng-keng ni̍h. Tiong-ng ū nn̄g-chō phú-pe̍h phòng-í, pâi chò L hêng, bīn hiòng chi̍t-tâi tiān-sī. Piⁿ-á sī chi̍t-ê sió-hêng chàu-kha -- chi̍t-chō lô͘-tâi, chi̍t-tâi peng-siuⁿ, hām chi̍t-kóa tû-á tī chúi-chô kap kūi-tâi téng-koân.

Khòaⁿ tio̍h Gopal teh sì-kè khòaⁿ, Shaw Tt kóng, "Āu-bīn ū nn̄g-keng khùn-pâng hām e̍k-sek. Lí boeh lim siáⁿ-mi̍h bô? Lí nā boeh, góa ū kó-chiap." Yi kiâⁿ khì chàu-kha.

"Lí boeh lim siáⁿ?" Gopal mn̄g, ná tòe tī yi āu-bīn. "Lí lim siáⁿ, góa tō lim siáⁿ." Jiân-āu i soah kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè. Shaw Tt bô án-nóa táⁿ-pān. Hián-jiân, "Taⁿ m̄-thang" sī chi̍t-ê lé-māu-tek ê kī-choa̍t.

"Góa goân-pún boeh lim gin /jín/ lām pó͘-io̍h chiú," yi ná kóng, ná khui peng-siuⁿ koh khiā tī hia, chi̍t-ki chhiú khǹg tī kha-chhng-táu.

"Góa mā boeh lim he." Gopal kiâⁿ óa yi, koh hut-leh khì chim yi ê chhùi-tûn. Yi bô hoán-khòng, m̄-koh mā bô hoán-èng. Yi ê chhùi-tûn kian-kian. Gopal sóa khui, hō͘ yi khì chún-pī ím-liāu. I it-ti̍t hi-bāng chit-ê chim ē-tàng hō͘ i chai ū siáⁿ thang kî-thāi.

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3. 伊癮愛過去 ê 生活

Án-ne 以外, Gopal 差不多和這个世界無啥個人 ê 接觸. 伊慣勢早起暗睏, 毋過今, 因為無工作 mā 無朋友, tī 早時 ùi 頭到尾讀完 "New York 時報" 和 "家庭新聞&論壇報" 了, Gopal 感覺規个下晡 kap 暗時攏浮浮. 有幾若禮拜, 為著充實伊 ê 日子, 伊試看一工兩改洗身軀 kap 剃喙鬚, 食點心和正頓了攏鑢喙齒. 毋過這種無意義 ê 行為予伊感覺絕望, 自 án-ne 伊顛倒毋閣再洗身軀, 開始 lú 睏 lú 久, 甚至一工睏 16 點鐘. 伊睏 tī 長長狹狹 ê 客廳, hia 懸 koh 長 liau ê 窗仔予樹仔閘著. 有一改, 因為發性地氣家治, 伊規氣 kā 衫褲 ùi 房間衫櫥攏徙來囥 tī 客廳壁角, 免得 kō͘ 幻想安慰家治, 想講伊 ê 生活是正常 ê.

毋過伊癮愛過去 ê 生活, 癮愛清氣 ê 灶跤, 癮愛睏房, 癮愛出去曝日頭; 自 án-ne 彼早起 tī 半意識 ê 水準下, Gopal 決定利用欲掠著 Shaw Tt ê 刺激, kā 家治變倒轉過去 ê 家治. 她凡勢會來 in 兜消磨時間, 伊 án-ne 想, 所致伊開始鑢灶跤地板, 搬轉睏房, kō͘ 吸塵器拚掃所有 ê 房間. 伊用彼下晡大部份 ê 時間做這, mā 一直注意著背景有伊 ê 攄草機 ê hiⁿ 聲. 一下注意 kā 聽, 伊 ê 心臟 tō 起趒. 三不五時, 伊 tō 停睏, 走去睏房 ê 窗仔, 覕 tī 窗簾後面, 偷偷掠 Shaw Tt tiu-tiu 相. 她 tī 額頭縛一條紅帶, 伊毋知按怎感覺 án-ne 真迷人. 彼暗伊為家治辦一頓腥臊, 煮三盤菜 koh 做 mango-seh (mango shake). 幾若個月來第一改, Gopal 看 11 點新聞. 伊 kā 電火關掉, 雙跤蹺 tī 低桌仔. Lebanon koh 遭受轟炸, Gopal 無代無誌起愛笑. 伊試想明仔載欲創啥. Gopal 知影伊 teh 歡喜, 為著免得鬱卒, 伊著予家治保持無閒, 一直到 Shaw Tt 敲電話來. 伊忽然意識著, 伊毋知 Shaw Tt ê 名. 伊趖入暗摸摸 ê 灶跤, 看電話簿. "Helen Shaw" in 某 ê 大圈字 án-ne 寫 tī hia. In 某 ê 這種方式 ê 幫助, 予伊一屑仔 to 袂麻煩, hiah 順利, 煞予伊感覺見笑.

隔工是禮拜日, Gopal 嚓嚓趒 teh 期待, 因為禮拜日 ê "時報" 總是厚厚一疊, 有夠伊讀規日. 毋過這改, 伊無 kā 讀透透. 伊 kā 冊評和其他專欄留落來, thap 以後幾工 ê 時間. 食一頓澎湃 ê 早頓了後 -- 好好煮三頓 ê 想法已經深深吸引著伊 -- 伊走去剃頭. Gopal 已經幾若工無離開伊 ê 厝. 伊搖落伊 ê 藍色 Honda Civic ê 車窗, 駛較長 ê 路, 經過湖, 去到商場. 伊無去揣平常 ê 剃頭師, 是去揣一个髮型設計師 hia, 一个留長指甲, 奶大甲 chuh-chuh ê 查某, 先 kā 伊洗頭, 才剪伊 ê 頭鬃. 閣來, Gopal tī 商場 lin-long 踅, 享受奶油磅番麥 ê 氣味, 欣賞有時頭鬃染怪色 ê 姑娘仔. 伊行入一寡細間店看衫仔, mā 考慮欲買半磅 cocoa 口味 ê kapi 豆, 雖罔伊一向無注重 kapi. 行差不多兩點鐘了後, Gopal 坐 tī 一條長椅, ná 食 ais-krím 管, ná 讀 "Cosmopolitan" 雜誌 ni̍h, 有關按怎成做一个好 ê 愛人 ê 文章. 伊 tī CVS 商店看著一本雜誌, 注意封面有提起這篇文章, 予伊想起, tī 美國, 人人真方便 tō 學著新 ê 物件. 因為 Shaw Tt 是美國人, Gopal 想, 伊著研究 in 對伊 ê 期待. 雖然文章是教查某按怎成做好 ê 愛人, 這 mā 提供線索予查埔. Gopal 感覺有自信, 只要有時間, Shaw Tt 總是會愛著伊. 文章 kā 戀愛寫甲真輕可. 你所需要做 ê 就是盡心聽, 講老實話.

五點左右伊轉到厝, 過無久 Shaw Tt tō 敲電話來. "你若欲, 今你會使過來."

"好," Gopal kā 應. 伊真平靜. 伊先去洗身軀, 穿藍色棉 siatchuh, khaki 色長褲. 伊行出去 ê 時, 天色粉紅, 空氣有澹塗 ê 味. 伊感覺少年, 袂輸伊拄來到美國, 大尺度 ê 事事項項 mā 予伊成做一个巨人.

等伊揤 Shaw Tt ê 門鈴 ê 時, Gopal 煞起緊張. 伊越身看曠闊天空 ni̍h ê 白雲. 伊聽著跤步聲, 然後門 siú 一聲開--開, Shaw Tt ê 聲. "你看起來誠緣投," 她講. Gopal 面對她, gi-gi 笑, 真無自在. 她穿一領無仝 ê 運動衫, 毋過猶是昨昏 ê 慢走褲. 她褪赤跤. 她 ê 後面點一葩黃色 ê 燈火.

"多謝你," Gopal 講, 隨 koh 雄雄加一聲 "Helen," án-ne 通確定 in ê 新關係. "你看起來 mā 真讚." 在伊看, 她確實真媠. Shaw Tt 徛邊仔予伊入來. In 來到一个大房間 ni̍h. 中央有兩座殕白膨椅, 排做 L 形, 面向一台電視. 邊仔是一个小型灶跤 -- 一座爐台, 一台冰箱, 和一寡櫥仔 tī 水槽 kap 櫃台頂懸.

看著 Gopal teh 四界看, Shaw Tt 講, "後面有兩間睏房和浴室. 你欲啉啥物無? 你若欲, 我有果汁." 她行去灶跤.

"你欲啉啥?" Gopal 問, ná 綴 tī 她後面. "你啉啥, 我 tō 啉啥." 然後伊煞感覺歹勢. Shaw Tt 無按怎打扮. 顯然, "今毋通" 是一个禮貌 tek ê 拒絕.

"我原本欲啉 gin /jín/ 濫補藥酒," 她 ná 講, ná 開冰箱 koh 徛 tī hia, 一支手囥 tī 尻川斗.

"我 mā 欲啉彼." Gopal 行倚她, koh hut-leh 去唚她 ê 喙唇. 她無反抗, 毋過 mā 無反應. 她 ê 喙唇 kian-kian. Gopal 徙開, 予她去準備飲料. 伊一直希望這个唚會當予伊知有啥通期待.

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3.

Other than this, Gopal had had little personal contact with the world. He was accustomed to getting up early and going to bed late, but now, since he had no work and no friends, after he spent the morning reading The New York Times and The Home News & Tribune front to back, Gopal felt adrift through the afternoon and evening. For a few weeks he tried to fill his days by showering and shaving twice daily, brushing his teeth after every snack and meal. But the purposelessness of this made him despair, and he stopped bathing altogether and instead began sleeping more and more, sometimes sixteen hours a day. He slept in the living room, long and narrow with high rectangular windows blocked by trees. At some point, in a burst of self-hate, Gopal moved his clothes from the bedroom closet to a corner of the living room, wanting to avoid comforting himself with any illusions that his life was normal.

But he yearned for his old life, the life of a clean kitchen, of a bedroom, of going out into the sun, and on a half-conscious level that morning Gopal decided to use the excitement of clasping Mrs. Shaw to change himself back to the man he had been. She might be spending time at his house, he thought, so he mopped the kitchen floor, moved back into his bedroom, vacuumed and dusted all the rooms. He spent most of the afternoon doing this, aware always of his humming lawn mower in the background. He had only to focus on it to make his heart race. Every now and then he would stop working and go to his bedroom window, where, from behind the curtains, he would stare at Mrs. Shaw. She had a red bandanna tied around her forehead, and he somehow found this appealing. That night he made himself an elaborate dinner with three dishes and a mango shake. For the first time in months Gopal watched the eleven o'clock news. He had the lights off and his feet up on a low table. Lebanon was being bombed again, and Gopal kept bursting into giggles for no reason. He tried to think of what he would do tomorrow. Gopal knew that he was happy and that to avoid depression he must keep himself busy until Mrs. Shaw called. He suddenly realized that he did not know Mrs. Shaw's first name. He padded into the darkened kitchen and looked at the phone diary. "Helen Shaw" was written in the big, loopy handwriting of his wife. Having his wife help him in this way did not bother him at all, and then he felt ashamed that it didn't.

THE next day was Sunday, and Gopal anticipated it cheerfully, for the Sunday Times was frequently so thick that he could spend the whole day reading it. But this time he did not read it all the way through. He left the book review and the other features sections to fill time over the next few days. After eating a large breakfast -- the idea of preparing elaborate meals had begun to appeal to him -- he went for a haircut. Gopal had not left his house in several days. He rolled down the window of his blue Honda Civic and took the long way, past the lake, to the mall. Instead of going to his usual barber, he went to a hair stylist, where a woman with long nails and large, contented breasts shampooed his hair before cutting it. Then Gopal wandered around the mall, savoring its buttered-popcorn smell and enjoying the sight of the girls with their sometimes odd-colored hair. He went into some of the small shops and looked at clothes, and considered buying a half pound of cocoa amaretto coffee beans, although he had never cared much for coffee. After walking for nearly two hours, Gopal sat on a bench and ate an ice cream cone while reading an article in Cosmopolitan about what makes a good lover. He had seen the magazine in CVS and, noting the article mentioned on the cover, had been reminded how easily one can learn anything in America. Because Mrs. Shaw was an American, Gopal thought, he needed to do research into what might be expected of him. Although the article was about what makes a woman a good lover, it offered clues for men as well. Gopal felt confident that given time, Mrs. Shaw would love him. The article made attachment appear effortless. All you had to do was listen closely and speak honestly.

He returned home around five, and Mrs. Shaw called soon after. "If you want, you can come over now."

"All right," Gopal answered. He was calm. He showered and put on a blue cotton shirt and khaki slacks. When he stepped outside, the sky was turning pink and the air smelled of wet earth. He felt young, as if he had just arrived in America and the huge scale of things had made him a giant as well.

But when he rang Mrs. Shaw's doorbell, Gopal became nervous. He turned around and looked at the white clouds against the enormous sky. He heard footsteps and then the door swishing open and Mrs. Shaw's voice. "You look handsome," she said. Gopal faced her, smiling and uncomfortable. She wore a different sweatshirt, but still had on yesterday's jogging pants. She was barefoot. A yellow light shone behind her.

"Thank you," Gopal said, and then nervously added "Helen," to confirm their new relationship. "You look nice too." She did look pretty to him. Mrs. Shaw stepped aside to let him in. They were in a large room. In the center were two pale couches forming an L, with a television in front of them. Off to the side was a kitchenette -- a stove, a refrigerator, and some cabinets over a sink and counter.

Seeing Gopal looking around, Mrs. Shaw said, "There are two bedrooms in the back, and a bathroom. Would you like anything to drink? I have juice, if you want." She walked to the kitchen.

"What are you going to have?" Gopal asked, following her. "If you have something, I'll have something." Then he felt embarrassed. Mrs. Shaw had not dressed up; obviously, "Not now" had been a polite rebuff.

"I was going to have a gin and tonic," she said, opening the refrigerator and standing before it with one hand on her hip.

"I would like that too." Gopal came close to her and with a dart kissed her on the lips. She did not resist, but neither did she respond. Her lips were chapped. Gopal pulled away and let her make the drinks. He had hoped the kiss would tell him something of what to expect.

- -

2. 某囝離開了, 漸漸無連絡

2. Bó-kiáⁿ lī-khui liáu, chiām-chiām bô liân-lo̍k

"M̄-bián lah," Shaw Tt kóng, in nn̄g-lâng lóng tiām lo̍h-lâi. Ji̍t-kng thàng-kòe kha̍h móa eng-ia ê thang-á chiò ji̍p-lâi. "Lí tio̍h kì tio̍h, chit-lō tāi-chì ta̍k-lâng lóng ū kak-sek, m̄-sī kan-ta pàng-sak hit-ê lâng." yi kóng, liáu-āu in iū tiām-tiām. "Lí su-iàu siáⁿ-mi̍h bô?"

"Bián, to-siā." Nn̄g-lâng sio tùi-khòaⁿ. "Lí lâi, sī boeh chhòng siáⁿ sioh?" Gopal mn̄g, sui-bóng i m̄-sī boeh àm-sī i siūⁿ boeh kiat-sok kau-tâm.

"Góa siūⁿ boeh chioh lí ê lu-chháu-ki."

"Sî-chūn kàu ah?" Sì-goe̍h tú khai-sí, lō͘-chúi tio̍h kàu tiong-tàu chiah ē ta.

"Chhun-jia̍t," yi kóng.

Gopal ê sim kī-choa̍t tùi che chò-chhut hoán-èng. "Góa lâi khì the̍h lu-chháu-ki hō͘ lí."

In kiâⁿ khì chhia-khò͘. Sio-ho ê ji̍t-kng chiò tī i ê ām-kún āu-niā, hō͘ Gopal chhiong-móa hi-bāng. I siong-sìn, chin kín tio̍h kóng siáⁿ a̍h chò siáⁿ lâi iân-tî Shaw Tt ê lī-khui, in-ūi Sîn tiāⁿ-tio̍h bē koh hō͘ i ko͘-toaⁿ. Chhia-khò͘ móa-móa sī chhàu-phú kap gasolín ê khì-bī. Lu-chháu-ki tī chi̍t-ê im-àm ê kak-lo̍h, téng-bīn khǹg chi̍t-ê alúmih thui. "Che góa í-keng chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan bô iōng ah," Gopal kóng, ná kā thui khǹg lo̍h thô͘-kha, ná tùi Shaw Tt gi-chhùi. "M̄-koh, i eng-kai bô pháiⁿ." I koh khiā-thêng ê sî, i hut-jiân kám-kak khì hō͘ Shaw Tt ê tōa lia̍p leng, siàu-liân-ke thâu-chang, kap ko͘-niû khoán ê ūn-tōng-ê siâⁿ tio̍h. Sīm-chì yi ê phīⁿ-khang mā àm-sī chi̍t-chióng tiong-si̍t ê sèng-io̍k. Gopal siūⁿ boeh chhun chhiú lám yi ê io, kā yi khiú óa ka-tī. Jiân-āu i ì-sek tio̍h, i í-keng án-ne chò ah. 

"Mài. Mài," Shaw Tt kóng, ná chhiò ná kō͘ chhiú tháⁿ i ê heng-khám. "Mài tī chit-chūn." yi khin-khin kā i tháⁿ khui.

Gopal bô koh chhì boeh chim yi, m̄-koh i í-keng chin thiòng ah. Mài tī chit-chūn, i án-ne siūⁿ. I hó-lé-á kā gasolín tò ji̍p lu-chháu-ki, piáu-hiān kah chin tìn-chēng, bē-su siang-lâng í-keng ū iok-sok, m̄-bián kín-tiuⁿ. I sak lu-chháu-ki kàu pho͘ chhùi-chio̍h ê chhia-tō, khiú soh-á boeh chhì-giām enjín. Múi chi̍t-kái khiú, i lóng siūⁿ tio̍h: mài chit-chūn, mài chit-chūn. I tán enjín ká chi̍t hun-cheng. Shaw Tt tiām-tiām khiā tī i sin-piⁿ. Gopal kám-kak siūⁿ boeh chhiò, m̄-koh iū siūⁿ boeh hō͘ tāi-chì ká-ná chin sù-siông. "Chiàu lí ê su-iàu, chhut-chāi lí the̍h khì iōng," i kóng.

"To-siā," Shaw Tt bî-chhiò kā ìn. In nn̄g-lâng tiām-tiām sio tùi-khòaⁿ chi̍t-khùn. Jiân-āu, yi sak lu-chháu-ki chhut chhia-tō, kàu lō͘ ni̍h. Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, oa̍t-thâu khòaⁿ i, koh kóng, "Góa ē khà tiān-ōe."

"Hó," Gopal ìn, ná khòaⁿ yi sak lu-chháu-ki chiūⁿ-lō͘ koh oat kàu yin tau chhia-tō, ji̍p chhia-tō bóe ê thih-phiáⁿ liâu-á. Chhia-tō hām yi hit-keng bo̍k-tiûⁿ sek chū-the̍h tiong-kan ū 10-15 chhioh ê chháu-tē, kō͘ chi̍t-tiâu ta̍h chhut-lâi ê sió-lō͘ sio thong. Kiâⁿ ji̍p yin-tau chìn-chêng, Shaw Tt oa̍t-sin, khòaⁿ khiā tī chhia-tō thâu ê i. Yi chhiò-chhiò, koh ia̍t chi̍t-ē chhiú.

Tán i tńg-kàu in chhù, Gopal thiòng kah bô hoat-tō͘ koh khùn. Tī lám Shaw Tt chìn-chêng, i lám kòe ê cha-bó͘-lâng kan-ta sī in bó͘, i ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn án-ne jīn-ûi, taⁿ put-kò sī sî-kan ê būn-tê, i ē hām Shaw Tt sio-ài, i ê seng-oa̍h ē hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông. Oh, koh-chài kòe kòe-khì 30-nî lâi ê hit-khoán seng-oa̍h! Gopal tōa-la̍t siūⁿ kah ka-tī mā kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô. Chē bē tiâu, sīm-chì bô hoat-tō͘ léng-chēng siūⁿ, i tī chhù ni̍h kiâⁿ lâi kiâⁿ khì. 

In chă-kiáⁿ ê lī-khui hō͘ Gopal sim-koaⁿ kan-khó͘ 2-3 lé-pài, m̄-koh āu-lâi yi oân-choân ùi i ê su-sióng ni̍h siau-sit, i hoâi-gî he kan-khó͘ hoān-sè sī in-ūi chū-chun siū tio̍h siong-hāi, m̄-sī in-ūi pi-siong. Gitu tha̍k gián-kiù-só͘ ê sî, múi-nî kan-ta kap in chò-hóe kúi lé-pài, só͘-í i bē su-liām yi, che chin hó lí-kái. M̄-koh, tùi khùn kāng bîn-chhn̂g ê hit-lâng ê khang-hi kám-kak, mā hiah kín tō tháu-pàng koh siau-sit, soah hō͘ i hoâi-gî, ka-tī kám ū chin-chiàⁿ ài kòe in bó͘. Che hō͘ i kám-kak, in bó͘ hut-jiân koat-tēng khì Indo hóng-būn bô boeh koh tńg-lâi sī i ê m̄-tio̍h, bē khah su Sîn ê m̄-tio̍h. I siūⁿ, Anita tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī khòaⁿ tio̍h Gitu ê lī-khui, koat-tēng bô siáⁿ lí-iû koh lâu lo̍h-lâi, hoān-sè it-chhè tiông-sin khai-sí chóng-sī iáu bē siuⁿ bān. Anita í-keng tī 11 goe̍h bóe khì Indo -- tī Gitu tah Lufthansa pan-ki poe khì Tek-kok hām yin lâm-pêng-iú chò-hóe seng-oa̍h ê chi̍t kò goe̍h í-āu -- chi̍t lé-pài í-āu, kō͘ hôe-siaⁿ chin tāng ê tiān-ōe, yi kā i kóng-khí hit-ê tāi-su kap yi ê khui-khiàu.

Hoān-sè, jû-kó Gopal bô ùi AT&T (Bí-kok Tiān-ōe Tiān-pò Kong-si) thè-hiu, i tō ē-tàng tn̂g sî-kan kang-chok, in bó͘ kap chă-kiáⁿ ùi su-sióng ni̍h sit-lo̍h ê tāi-chì, ū khó-lêng tō ē gō͘-hōe chò he sī chi̍t-chióng tī-liâu. M̄-koh, taⁿ i bô siáⁿ thang chò. Tōa pō͘-hūn i bat ê lâng lóng sī ùi in bó͘ hia khan ê, yi lī-khui ê sî, Gopal bô khà tiān-ōe hō͘ in, in-ūi in it-ti̍t khah sêng sī yi ê pêng-iú, bô sêng sī i ê, mā in-ūi i kám-kak kiàn-siàu, ká-ná in bó͘ ê lī-khui hián-sī i bē-hiáu thiàⁿ-sioh yi. Tī Kitok-Seⁿ hit kha-tau, i ū khì chham-ka chi̍t-ê party, m̄-koh i bô kám-kak hoaⁿ-hí. I hoat-hiān i pēng bô hèng-chhù chai-iáⁿ pa̍t-lâng ê seng-oa̍h, mā bô-ài kóng ka-tī ê seng-oa̍h.

Anita lī-khui chi̍t kò goe̍h liáu-āu, chi̍t-hong yi ê phe kià kàu-ūi -- nâ-sek ê hâng-khong sìn, kóng tio̍h ashram (siu-tō īⁿ) ê tāi-chì, mā kóng tio̍h sàu chhù-tiâⁿ hām ta̍k-kang pài-sîn ê tāi-chì. Gopal sûi kā hôe phe, m̄-koh yi m̄-bat koh siá lâi. I ê chū-chun-sim hō͘ i bô hoat-tō͘ kè-sio̍k thong-phe, sui-bóng yi ê hit-tiuⁿ phe i tha̍k kòe chē-chē piàn, bô-ì-tiong mā kì-tiâu Pune ê tē-chí. I ê hiaⁿ-tī ùi Indo kià lâi chē-chē tn̂g ló-ló ê phe, siá ê phe-chóa po̍h kah boeh thàu-bêng, m̄-koh kúi cha̍p-nî lâi i chin chió kap in liân-lo̍k, chit-ê pi-kio̍k bô kā in giú khah óa, tian-tò sī sak khah khui. 

Gitu kià chi̍t-tiuⁿ yi chhēng n̂g-kap-nâ chhu-seh jiaket hip tī Sūise Alpes Soaⁿ ê siòng. Gopal kā hôe-phe, siá kah pit-ōe bē sūn, ōe-kù kó͘-pán, yi kō͘ chi̍t-tiuⁿ khin-khoài ê kng-phe kā i hôe, i koh tán kú-kú chiah koh siá phe kā hôe.

- -

2. 某囝離開了, 漸漸無連絡

"毋免 lah," Shaw Tt 講, in 兩人攏恬落來. 日光迵過 kha̍h 滿坱埃 ê 窗仔照入來. "你著記著, 這號代誌逐人攏有角色, 毋是干焦放捒彼个人." 她講, 了後 in 又恬恬. "你需要啥物無?"

"免, 多謝." 兩人相對看. "你來, 是欲創啥 sioh?" Gopal 問, 雖罔伊毋是欲暗示伊想欲結束交談.

"我想欲借你 ê 攄草機."

"時陣到 ah?" 四月拄開始, 露水著到中晝才會焦.

"春熱," 她講.

Gopal ê 心拒絕對這做出反應. "我來去提攄草機予你."

In 行去車庫. 燒熇 ê 日光照 tī 伊 ê 頷頸後 niā, 予 Gopal 充滿希望. 伊相信, 真緊著講啥 a̍h 做啥來延遲 Shaw Tt ê 離開, 因為神定著袂 koh 予伊孤單. 車庫滿滿是臭殕 kap gasolín ê 氣味. 攄草機 tī 一个陰暗 ê 角落, 頂面囥一个 alúmih 梯. "這我已經一段時間無用 ah," Gopal 講, ná kā 梯囥落塗跤, ná 對 Shaw Tt gi 喙. "毋過, 伊應該無歹." 伊 koh 徛騰 ê 時, 伊忽然感覺去予 Shaw Tt ê 大粒奶, 少年家頭鬃, kap 姑娘款 ê 運動鞋唌著. 甚至她 ê 鼻空 mā 暗示一種忠實 ê 性慾. Gopal 想欲伸手攬她 ê 腰, kā 她搝倚家治. 然後伊意識著, 伊已經 án-ne 做 ah. 

"莫. 莫," Shaw Tt 講, ná 笑 ná kō͘ 手挺伊 ê 胸坎. "莫 tī 這陣." 她輕輕 kā 伊挺開.

Gopal 無 koh 試欲唚她, 毋過伊已經真暢 ah. 莫 tī 這陣, 伊 án-ne 想. 伊好禮仔 kā gasolín 倒入攄草機, 表現甲真鎮靜, 袂輸雙人已經有約束, 毋免緊張. 伊捒攄草機到鋪碎石 ê 車道, 搝索仔欲試驗 enjín. 每一改搝, 伊攏想著: 莫這陣, 莫這陣. 伊等 enjín 絞一分鐘. Shaw Tt 恬恬徛 tī 伊身邊. Gopal 感覺想欲笑, 毋過又想欲予代誌 ká-ná 真四常. "照你 ê 需要, 出在你提去用," 伊講.

"多謝," Shaw Tt 微笑 kā 應. In 兩人恬恬相對看一睏. 然後, 她捒攄草機出車道, 到路 ni̍h. 她停落來, 越頭看伊, koh 講, "我會敲電話."

"好," Gopal 應, ná 看她捒攄草機上路 koh 斡到姻兜車道, 入車道尾 ê 鐵鉼寮仔. 車道和她彼間牧場式住宅中間有 10-15 尺 ê 草地, kō͘ 一條踏出來 ê 小路相通. 行入姻兜進前, Shaw Tt 越身, 看徛 tī 車道頭 ê 伊. 她笑笑, koh 擛一下手.

等伊轉到 in 厝, Gopal 暢 kah 無法度 koh 睏. Tī 攬 Shaw Tt 進前, 伊攬過 ê 查某人干焦是 in 某, 伊 ê 一部份 án-ne 認為, 今不過是時間 ê 問題, 伊會和 Shaw Tt 相愛, 伊 ê 生活會回復正常. Oh, 閣再過過去 30 年來 ê 彼款生活! Gopal 大力想 kah 家治 mā 驚一趒. 坐袂牢, 甚至無法度冷靜想, 伊 tī 厝 ni̍h 行來行去. 

In chă 囝 ê 離開予 Gopal 心肝艱苦 2-3 禮拜, 毋過後來她完全 ùi 伊 ê 思想 ni̍h 消失, 伊懷疑彼艱苦凡勢是因為自尊受著傷害, 毋是因為悲傷. Gitu 讀研究所 ê 時, 每年干焦 kap in 做伙幾禮拜, 所以伊袂思念她, 這真好理解. 毋過, 對睏仝眠床 ê 彼人 ê 空虛感覺, mā hiah 緊 tō 敨放 koh 消失, 煞予伊懷疑, 家治敢有真正愛過 in 某. 這予伊感覺, in 某忽然決定去 Indo 訪問無欲 koh 轉來是伊 ê 毋著, 袂較輸神 ê 毋著. 伊想, Anita 定著是看著 Gitu ê 離開, 決定無啥理由 koh 留落來, 凡勢一切重新開始總是猶袂 siuⁿ 慢. Anita 已經 tī 11 月尾去 Indo -- tī Gitu 搭 Lufthansa 班機飛去德國和姻男朋友做伙生活 ê 一個月以後 -- 一禮拜以後, kō͘ 回聲真重 ê 電話, 她 kā 伊講起彼个大師 kap 她 ê 開竅.

凡勢, 如果 Gopal 無 ùi AT&T (美國電話電報公司) 退休, 伊 tō 會當長時間工作, in 某 kap chă 囝 ùi 思想 ni̍h 失落 ê 代誌, 有可能 tō 會誤會做彼是一種治療. 毋過, 今伊無啥通做. 大部份伊捌 ê 人攏是 ùi in 某 hia 牽 ê, 她離開 ê 時, Gopal 無敲電話予 in, 因為 in 一直較成是她 ê 朋友, 無成是伊 ê, mā 因為伊感覺見笑, ká-ná in 某 ê 離開顯示伊袂曉疼惜她. Tī 基督生彼跤兜, 伊有去參加一个 party, 毋過伊無感覺歡喜. 伊發現伊並無興趣知影別人 ê 生活, mā 無愛講家治 ê 生活.

Anita 離開一個月了後, 一封她 ê 批寄到位 -- 藍色 ê 航空信, 講著 ashram (修道院) ê 代誌, mā 講著掃厝埕和逐工拜神 ê 代誌. Gopal 隨 kā 回批, 毋過她毋捌 koh 寫來. 伊 ê 自尊心予伊無法度繼續通批, 雖罔她 ê 彼張批伊讀過濟濟遍, 無意中 mā 記牢 Pune ê 地址. 伊 ê 兄弟 ùi Indo 寄來濟濟長 ló-ló ê 批, 寫 ê 批紙薄 kah 欲透明, 毋過幾十年來伊真少 kap in 連絡, 這个悲劇無 kā in 搝較倚, 顛倒是捒較開. 

Gitu 寄一張她穿黃 kap 藍趨雪 jiaket 翕 tī Sūise Alpes 山 ê 相. Gopal kā 回批, 寫 kah 筆畫袂順, 話句古板, 她 kō͘ 一張輕快 ê 光批 kā 伊回, 伊 koh 等久久才 koh 寫批 kā 回.

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2.

"That's all right," Mrs. Shaw said, and they both became quiet. The sunlight pressed through windows that were laminated with dirt. "You must remember, everybody plays a part in these things, not just the one who is left," she said, and then they were silent again. "Do you need anything?"

"No. Thank you." They stared at each other. "Did you come for something?" Gopal asked, although he did not want to imply that he was trying to end the conversation.

"I wanted to borrow your lawn mower."

"Already?"April was just starting, and the dew did not evaporate until midday.

"Spring fever," she said.

Gopal's mind refused to provide a response to this. "Let me get you the mower."

They went to the garage. The warm sun on the back of his neck made Gopal hopeful. He believed that something would soon be said or done to delay Mrs. Shaw's departure, for certainly God could not leave him alone again. The garage smelled of must and gasoline. The lawn mower was in a shadowy corner with an aluminum ladder resting on it. "I haven't used it in a while," Gopal said, placing the ladder on the ground and smiling at Mrs. Shaw beside him. "But it should be fine." As he stood up, he suddenly felt aroused by Mrs. Shaw's large breasts, boy's haircut, and little-girl sneakers. Even her nostrils suggested a frank sexuality. Gopal wanted to put his hands on her waist and pull her toward him. And then he realized that he had.

"No. No," Mrs. Shaw said, laughing and putting her palms flat against his chest. "Not now." She pushed him away gently.

Gopal did not try kissing her again, but he was excited. Not now, he thought. He carefully poured gasoline into the lawn mower, wanting to appear calm, as if the two of them had already made some commitment and there was no need for nervousness. He pushed the lawn mower out onto the gravel driveway and jerked the cord to test the engine.Not now, not now, he thought, each time he tugged. He let the engine run for a minute. Mrs. Shaw stood silent beside him. Gopal felt like smiling, but wanted to make everything appear casual. "You can have it for as long as you need," he said.

"Thank you," Mrs. Shaw replied, and smiled. They looked at each other for a moment without saying anything. Then she rolled the lawn mower down the driveway and onto the road. She stopped, turned to look at him, and said, "I'll call."

"Good," Gopal answered, and watched her push the lawn mower down the road and up her driveway into the tin shack that huddled at its end. The driveway was separated from her ranch-style house by ten or fifteen feet of grass, and they were connected by a trampled path. Before she entered her house, Mrs. Shaw turned and looked at him as he stood at the top of his driveway. She smiled and waved.

When he went back into his house, Gopal was too excited to sleep. Before Mrs. Shaw, the only woman he had ever embraced was his wife, and a part of him assumed that it was now only a matter of time before he and Mrs. Shaw fell in love and his life resumed its normalcy. Oh, to live again as he had for nearly thirty years! Gopal thought, with such force that he shocked himself. Unable to sit, unable even to think coherently, he walked around his house.

HIS daughter's departure had made Gopal sick at heart for two or three weeks, but then she sank so completely from his thoughts that he questioned whether his pain had been hurt pride rather than grief. Gitu had been a graduate student and spent only a few weeks with them each year, so it was understandable that he would not miss her for long. But the swiftness with which the dense absence on the other side of his bed unknotted and evaporated made him wonder whether he had ever loved his wife. It made him think that his wife's abrupt decision never to return from her visit to India was as much his fault as God's. Anita, he thought, must have decided upon seeing Gitu leave that there was no more reason to stay, and that perhaps, after all, it was not too late to start again. Anita had gone to India at the end of November -- a month after Gitu got on a Lufthansa flight to go live with her boyfriend in Germany -- and a week later, over an echoing phone line, she told him of the guru and her enlightenment.

Perhaps if Gopal had not retired early from AT&T, he could have worked long hours and his wife's and daughter's slipping from his thoughts might have been mistaken for healing. But he had nothing to do. Most of his acquaintances had come by way of his wife, and when she left, Gopal did not call them, both because they had always been more Anita's friends than his and because he felt ashamed, as if his wife's departure revealed his inability to love her. At one point, around Christmas, he went to a dinner party, but he did not enjoy it. He found that he was not curious about other people's lives and did not want to talk about his own.

A month after Anita's departure a letter from her arrived -- a blue aerogram, telling of the ashram, and of sweeping the courtyard, and of the daily prayers. Gopal responded immediately, but she never wrote again. His pride prevented him from trying to continue the correspondence, though he read her one letter so many times that he inadvertently memorized the Pune address. His brothers sent a flurry of long missives from India, on paper so thin that it was almost translucent, but his contact with them over the decades had been minimal, and the tragedy pushed them apart instead of pulling them closer.

Gitu sent a picture of herself wearing a yellow-and-blue ski jacket in the Swiss Alps. Gopal wrote her back in a stiff, formal way, and she responded with a breezy postcard to which he replied only after a long wait.

- -

W. Cosmopolitan - 1. Shaw Tt 來揤門鈴

Cosmopolitan /by Akhil Sharma
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/1997/01/cosmopolitan/376761/

Cosmopolitan

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1. Shaw Tt lâi chhi̍h mn̂g-lêng

Chá-khí 10-tiám chhut-á, Shaw Tt (Thài-thài) kiâⁿ kòe Gopal Maurya ê chháu-tiâⁿ lâi in tau. Hit-kang sī pài-6, Gopal tī phòng-í téng khùn khì. Chhù ni̍h àm bong-bong. I tú thiaⁿ tio̍h mn̂g-lêng ê sî, lêng-á siaⁿ piàn-chò bîn-bāng ê chi̍t-pō͘-hūn. Chū-chiông in bó͘ tòe cha-bó͘-kiáⁿ mā lī-khui i ê seng-oa̍h 4 kò-goe̍h í-lâi, kan-ta i tòa tī chhù, he lêng-á siaⁿ soah piàn-chò bîn-bāng, hō͘ i kám-kak chiâⁿ hàm-kó͘. Shaw Tt koh chhi̍h chi̍t-kái mn̂g-lêng. Gopal chhéⁿ lâi, thâu hîn-hîn koh sim cho-cho, tōa-pō͘-hūn ê chá-khí i lóng sī chit-chióng chêng-hêng. I kan-ta chhēng lāi saⁿ-khò͘ kap boe̍h-á, m̄-koh i ê thán-á in-ūi lâu-kōaⁿ piàn léng-léng.

I khiā khí-lâi, kín-kín kàu mn̂g-kháu. I thàng-kòe khòaⁿ-khang khòaⁿ chhut-khì. Thiⁿ, kng koh chheng. Shaw khi-sin khiā tī mn̂g chêng chi̍t-chhioh, ká-ná teh khòaⁿ i chháu-tiâⁿ kòe hit-pêng ê yi ê chhù. Yi é-é ah, âng thâu-chang, chhēng hún-âng ūn-tōng saⁿ, phú-sek bān-cháu khò͘.

"Sió tán! Sió tán chi̍t-ē, Shaw Tt!" i tōa-siaⁿ hoah, koh cháu tńg thiaⁿ ni̍h chhōe gōa-khò͘ kap siatchuh. Kng-sòaⁿ àm-hun, i soah chhōe bô. I ná tī phòng-í ē-bīn kap āu-bīn bong, ná khòaⁿ tē-pán siōng sòaⁿ phún-phún ê saⁿ-khò͘, koh ná hoân-ló Shaw Tt ē m̄-khéng tán koh í-keng kiâⁿ-lo̍h kha-khám. I m̄-chai kám ū sî-kan thang khì khui-teng khah hó chhōe. Che tō sī tián-hêng ê, hō͘ i tī chá-khí-sî khí iûⁿ-hîn ê chêng-hêng. 

Shaw Tt hām Gopal chò chhù-piⁿ í-keng nn̄g-nî, m̄-koh Gopal kan-ta tī kòe-lō͘ ê sî hām yi sio-tú saⁿ/sì pái. I ùi in bó͘ hia chai-iáⁿ, Shaw Tt sī in chă-kiáⁿ tha̍k ê ko-tiong ê hú-tō-oân. I mā chai-iáⁿ yi í-keng lī-hun 10-nî ah. Yin ang sī chi̍t-ê chhùi-khí kiáu-chèng-su, í-keng lī-khui yi ah. Shaw Tt poaⁿ-kòe 5|6 kái chhù, m̄-koh lóng bô hn̄g kòe téng-kái tòa ê ūi kúi mai. Yi bé Gopal keh-piah hit-keng kài-boa̍h-sek ê sió chhù tō sī chit-chióng bô an-tēng chêng-hêng ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn. Sui-bóng i m̄-sī thó-ià Shaw Tt, Gopal tùi yin chhù hiàu-khak ê iû-chhat kap ùi yin tau chhia-tō phòa tamaka hoat-chhut ê iá-chháu chin khùn-jiáu, ká-ná ē khan-liân i ê chhù piàn khah àu-kū. Pòaⁿ-mê chiah lī-khui yin tau ê kok-chióng chhia-lióng hō͘ i kám-kak yi chin hòng-tōng. M̄-koh tī chit-kang chá-khí, Gopal goān-ì pàng bē-kì chiah-ê, lâi kau-ōaⁿ chi̍t-ê sīm-chì sió-sió ê iú-gî.

Gopal chhōe tio̍h i ê saⁿ-khò͘ ah, kín kā lom hó, ná kiâⁿ tńg-khì khui-mn̂g. Kng-sòaⁿ kap léng khong-khì chhèng ji̍p-lâi, thê-chhéⁿ i chù-ì piáu-chêng. Gopal seⁿ-chò sè-hàn, bīn-kut iù koh koân, ba̍k-chiu-mo͘ tn̂g-tn̂g. I it-hiòng ū chū-sìn ka-tī ê bīn-māu, mā chù-tiōng chhēng-chhah. Taⁿ i tam-sim ê sī, he phú chhùi-chhiu sap-á kap tn̂g thâu-chang ē hō͘ i khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin lak-soe.

"Halo, Maurya Ss," Shaw Tt kóng, ná khòaⁿ i koh thàng kòe i khòaⁿ ji̍p àm-àm ê chhù, iū-koh khòaⁿ i.  Ji̍t-thâu chiò tī yi ê āu-bīn. Thiⁿ nâ kah phú-pe̍h. "Lí hó bô?" yi khin-siaⁿ mn̄g.

"Oh, Shaw Tt," Gopal kóng, i ê siaⁿ chho͘-chho͘, "góa tú tio̍h chi̍t-kóa pháiⁿ tāi-chì." I bô siūⁿ boeh kóng siuⁿ ti̍t-chiap. I hoa̍h chhut mn̂g lâi.

Chêng-mn̂g khui ji̍p hiân-koan, ùi hia ē-tàng chheng-chheng chhó͘-chhó khòaⁿ tio̍h tōa-thiaⁿ kap Gopal tú-chiah tó ê phòng-í. I chhiat-to̍h tiān-hóe. Chiàⁿ-chhiú pêng sī chàu-kha. Formica îⁿ-toh hām kūi-tâi téng ū eng-ia. Shaw Tt ká-ná hō͘ chit-ê chêng-hêng kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô. Kòe chi̍t-ē-á, yi kóng, "Góa ū thiaⁿ lâng kóng khí." Yi thêng chi̍t-ē, sûi koh pó͘-chhiong kóng, "Chin ûi-hām, Maurya Ss. He tiāⁿ-tio̍h chin chia̍h-la̍t. Lí m̄-bián kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè; He m̄-sī lí ê m̄-tio̍h."

"Chhiáⁿ chē," Gopal kóng, ná pí chàu-kha toh-piⁿ ê chi̍t-tè í-á. I siūⁿ boeh kō͘ kau-tâm kap yi tîⁿ, kā yi lâu kúi tiám-cheng. I siūⁿ boeh kā yi kóng, ko͘-toaⁿ hō͘ i hoàn-sióng boeh kiò kiù-hō͘ chhia, thang-hó ū lâng bong koh bak, a̍h sī ū chi̍t-chūn i khai-sí kú-kú tī Indo /ín.tō͘/ cha̍p-hòe tiàm lin-long se̍h, tō ná chhiūⁿ hiah-ê bē-hiáu kóng Eng-gí ê lāu-lâng. Che sī chi̍t-ê gōa-nī-á súi koh hó ê cha-bó͘ ah, i án-ne siūⁿ.

Shaw Tt khiā tī pâng-keng tiong-ng, sì-bīn khòaⁿ. Yi sió-khóa pûi-pûi, phīⁿ-khang khòaⁿ tio̍h îⁿ-liàn-liàn, m̄-koh yi ê pe̍h-sek Reebok ūn-tōng-ê hō͘ Gopal khòaⁿ yi sī chhiong-móa chheng-chhun kap sûn-chin. "Góa it-ti̍t teh siūⁿ boeh kòe-lâi. Pháiⁿ-sè lah, góa bô án-ne chò."

"He bô iàu-kín lah, Shaw Tt," Gopal kóng, khiā tī óa chàu-kha tiān-ōe ê piah-piⁿ. "Kám ū lâng ē-tàng chhòng siáⁿ? M̄-koh, góa chin hoaⁿ-hí, taⁿ lí lâi ah." I teh siūⁿ boeh koh kóng siáⁿ. Ūi tio̍h thang iân-tn̂g chò-hóe ê sî-kan, Gopal kiâⁿ kàu peng-siuⁿ, mn̄g yi boeh lim siáⁿ-mi̍h bô.

"Bián lah, to-siā," yi kóng.

"Liú-teng chiap, lingo chiap, a̍h pô-tô, ông-lâi, pa̍t-á. Góa mā ū chi̍t-kóa jia̍t-tài punch chiú." i kè-sio̍k kóng, ná kā peng-siuⁿ ê mn̂g khiú khui-khui, ká-ná boeh chèng-bêng i bô kóng pe̍h-chha̍t.

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1. Shaw Tt 來揤門鈴

早起 10 點出仔, Shaw Tt (太太) 行過 Gopal Maurya ê 草埕來 in 兜. 彼工是拜 6, Gopal tī 膨椅頂睏去. 厝 ni̍h 暗摸摸. 伊拄聽著門鈴 ê 時, 鈴仔聲變做眠夢 ê 一部份. 自從 in 某綴查某囝 mā 離開伊 ê 生活 4 個月以來, 干焦伊蹛 tī 厝, 彼鈴仔聲煞變做眠夢, 予伊感覺誠譀古. Shaw Tt koh 揤一改門鈴. Gopal 醒來, 頭眩眩 koh 心慒慒, 大部份 ê 早起伊攏是這種情形. 伊干焦穿內衫褲 kap 襪仔, 毋過伊 ê 毯仔因為流汗變冷冷.

伊徛起來, 緊緊到門口. 伊迵過看空看出去. 天, 光 koh 清. Shaw Tt khi 身徛 tī 門前一尺, ká-ná teh 看伊草埕過彼爿 ê 她 ê 厝. 她矮矮 ah, 紅頭鬃, 穿粉紅運動衫, 殕色慢走褲.

"小等! 小等一下, Shaw Tt!" 伊大聲喝, koh 走轉廳 ni̍h 揣外褲 kap siatchuh. 光線暗昏, 伊煞揣無. 伊 ná tī 膨椅下面 kap 後面摸, ná 看地板上散翸翸 ê 衫褲, koh ná 煩惱 Shaw Tt 會毋肯等 koh 已經行落跤坎. 伊毋知敢有時間通去開燈較好揣. 這就是典型 ê, 予伊 tī 早起時起羊眩 ê 情形. 

Shaw Tt 和 Gopal 做厝邊已經兩年, 毋過 Gopal 干焦 tī 過路 ê 時和她相拄三四擺. 伊 ùi in 某 hia 知影, Shaw Tt 是 in chă 囝讀 ê 高中 ê 輔導員. 伊 mā 知影她已經離婚 10 年 ah. 姻翁是一个喙齒矯正師, 已經離開她 ah. Shaw Tt 搬過 5|6 改厝, 毋過攏無遠過頂改蹛 ê 位幾 mai. 她買 Gopal 隔壁彼間芥末色 ê 小厝 tō 是這種無安定情形 ê 一部份. 雖罔伊毋是討厭 Shaw Tt, Gopal 對姻厝 hiàu 殼 ê 油漆 kap ùi 姻兜車道破 tamaka 發出 ê 野草真困擾, ká-ná 會牽連伊 ê 厝變較漚舊. 半暝才離開姻兜 ê 各種車輛予伊感覺她真放蕩. 毋過 tī 這工早起, Gopal 願意放袂記 chiah-ê, 來交換一个甚至小小 ê 友誼.

Gopal 揣著伊 ê 衫褲 ah, 緊 kā lom 好, ná 行轉去開門. 光線 kap 冷空氣 chhèng 入來, 提醒伊注意表情. Gopal 生做細漢, 面骨幼 koh 懸, 目睭毛長長. 伊一向有自信家治 ê 面貌, mā 注重穿插. 今伊擔心 ê 是, 彼殕喙鬚屑仔 kap 長頭鬃會予伊看起來真落衰.

"Halo, Maurya Ss," Shaw Tt 講, ná 看伊 koh 迵過伊看入暗暗 ê 厝, 又閣看伊.  日頭照 tī 她 ê 後面. 天藍 kah 殕白. "你好無?" 她輕聲問.

"Oh, Shaw Tt," Gopal 講, 伊 ê 聲粗粗, "我拄著一寡歹代誌." 伊無想欲講 siuⁿ 直接. 伊伐出門來.

前門開入玄關, ùi hia 會當清清楚楚看著大廳 kap Gopal 拄才倒 ê 膨椅. 伊切 to̍h 電火. 正手爿是灶跤. Formica 圓桌和櫃台頂有坱埃. Shaw Tt ká-ná 予這个情形驚一趒. 過一下仔, 她講, "我有聽人講起." 她停一下, 隨 koh 補充講, "真遺憾, Maurya Ss. 彼定著真食力. 你毋免感覺歹勢; 彼毋是你 ê 毋著."

"請坐," Gopal 講, ná 比灶跤桌邊 ê 一塊椅仔. 伊想欲 kō͘ 交談 kap 她纏, kā 她留幾點鐘. 伊想欲 kā 她講, 孤單予伊幻想欲叫救護車, 通好有人摸 koh 沐, a̍h 是有一陣伊開始久久 tī Indo /ín.tō͘/ 雜貨店 lin-long 踅, tō ná 像 hiah-ê 袂曉講英語 ê 老人. 這是一个 gōa-nī-á 媠 koh 好 ê 查某 ah, 伊 án-ne 想.

Shaw Tt 徛 tī 房間中央, 四面看. 她小可肥肥, 鼻空看著圓輾輾, 毋過她 ê 白色 Reebok 運動鞋予 Gopal 看她是充滿青春 kap 純真. "我一直 teh 想欲過來. 歹勢 lah, 我無 án-ne 做."

"彼無要緊 lah, Shaw Tt," Gopal 講, 徛 tī 倚灶跤電話 ê 壁邊. "敢有人會當創啥? 毋過, 我真歡喜, 今你來 ah." 伊 teh 想欲 koh 講啥. 為著通延長做伙 ê 時間, Gopal 行到冰箱, 問她欲啉啥物無.

"免 lah, 多謝," 她講.

"柳丁汁, lingo 汁, a̍h 葡萄, 王梨, 菝仔. 我 mā 有一寡熱帶 punch 酒." 伊繼續講, ná kā 冰箱 ê 門搝開開, ká-ná 欲證明伊無講白賊.

- -

1.

A LITTLE after ten in the morning Mrs. Shaw walked across Gopal Maurya's lawn to his house. It was Saturday, and Gopal was asleep on the couch. The house was dark. When he first heard the doorbell, the ringing became part of a dream. Only he had been in the house during the four months since his wife had followed his daughter out of his life, and the sound of the bell joined somehow with his dream to make him feel ridiculous. Mrs. Shaw rang the bell again. Gopal woke confused and anxious, the state he was in most mornings. He was wearing only underwear and socks, but his blanket was cold from sweat.

He stood up and hurried to the door. He looked through the peephole. The sky was bright and clear. Mrs. Shaw was standing sideways about a foot from the door, and appeared to be staring out over his lawn at her house. She was short and red-haired and wore a pink sweatshirt and gray jogging pants.

"Hold on! Hold on, Mrs. Shaw!" he shouted, and ran back into the living room to search for a pair of pants and a shirt. The light was dim, and he had difficulty finding them. As he groped under and behind the couch and looked among the clothes crumpled on the floor, he worried that Mrs. Shaw would not wait and was already walking down the steps. He wondered if he had time to turn on the light to make his search easier. This was typical of the details that could baffle him in the morning.

Mrs. Shaw and Gopal had been neighbors for about two years, but Gopal had met her only three or four times in passing. From his wife he had learned that Mrs. Shaw was a guidance counselor at the high school his daughter had attended. He also learned that she had been divorced for a decade. Her husband, a successful orthodontist, had left her. Since then Mrs. Shaw had moved five or six times, though rarely more than a few miles from where she had last lived. She had bought the small mustard-colored house next to Gopal's as part of this restlessness. Although he did not dislike Mrs. Shaw, Gopal was irritated by the peeling paint on her house and the weeds sprouting out of her broken asphalt driveway, as if by association his house were becoming shabbier. The various cars that left her house late at night made him see her as dissolute. But all this Gopal was willing to forget that morning, in exchange for even a minor friendship.

Gopal found the pants and shirt and tugged them on as he returned to open the door. The light and cold air swept in, reminding him of what he must look like. Gopal was a small man, with delicate high cheekbones and long eyelashes. He had always been proud of his looks and had dressed well. Now he feared that the gray stubble and long hair made him appear bereft.

"Hello, Mr. Maurya," Mrs. Shaw said, looking at him and through him into the darkened house and then again at him. The sun shone behind her. The sky was blue dissolving into white. "How are you?" she asked gently.

"Oh, Mrs. Shaw," Gopal said, his voice pitted and rough, "some bad things have happened to me." He had not meant to speak so directly. He stepped out of the doorway.

The front door opened into a vestibule, and one had a clear view from there of the living room and the couch where Gopal slept. He switched on the lights. To the right was the kitchen. The round Formica table and the counters were dusty. Mrs. Shaw appeared startled by this detail. After a moment she said, "I heard." She paused and then quickly added, "I am sorry, Mr. Maurya. It must be hard. You must not feel ashamed; it's no fault of yours."

"Please, sit," Gopal said, motioning to a chair next to the kitchen table. He wanted to tangle her in conversation and keep her there for hours. He wanted to tell her how the loneliness had made him fantasize about calling an ambulance so that he could be touched and prodded, or how for a while he had begun loitering at the Indian grocery store like the old men who have not learned English. What a pretty, good woman, he thought.

Mrs. Shaw stood in the center of the room and looked around her. She was slightly overweight, and her nostrils appeared to be perfect circles, but her small white Reebok sneakers made Gopal see her as fleet with youth and innocence. "I've been thinking of coming over. I'm sorry I didn't."

"That's fine, Mrs. Shaw," Gopal said, standing near the phone on the kitchen wall. "What could anyone do? I am glad, though, that you are visiting." He searched for something else to say. To extend their time together, Gopal walked to the refrigerator and asked her if she wanted anything to drink.

"No, thank you," she said.

"Orange juice, apple juice, or grape, pineapple, guava. I also have some tropical punch," he continued, opening the refrigerator door wide, as if to show he was not lying.

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8. 每个願望攏是相仝 ê 願望

8. Múi-ê goān-bōng lóng sī sio-kāng ê goān-bōng

In tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū iōng bó͘-chióng chō͘-sio-che, tiāⁿ-tio̍h ū, só͘-í tī saⁿ-ê gín-á kō͘ hóe-pé kā ù ê sî (sin-khu oai chi̍t-pêng, hóe-pé tu kah hn̄g-hn̄g-hn̄g), hóe-iām sûi ùi chhâ-thâu chhèng khí-lâi, ùi ki-chō kàu hó-chhiò ê ông-koan, kui-ê kap-á chek-sî to̍h khí-lâi. Chū án-ne liáu, koh ū chin tōa ê po̍k-chah siaⁿ, pûn-khùi lá-pah siaⁿ, kap gín-á kō͘ chhiú iô-tāng ê chhe̍k-á hām liang-á siaⁿ, chiah-ê siaⁿ í-gōa koh ū lâng ê kóng-ōe siaⁿ, kûn-chiòng ūi hóe, ūi tú kàu ê Sin-nî hoah-hiu ê siaⁿ. Tōa-tiâⁿ ū kúi-ā pah lâng, tī ûi hóe tui ê chhâ lân-kan sì-chiu kheh óa-óa, lī khah hn̄g ê ūi lâng khah chió, goán tō khiā tī chia; tī chia lâng tiong-kan ū khong-kan thang hō͘-siong kèng-chiú, chiú té tī sok-ka poe a̍h sió po-lê kan-á, R. ūi goán chah-lâi ê prosecco chiú tō sī kō͘ ū chūn-kòa ê kan-á té. Lim chiú liáu, góa àⁿ hiòng i, siang-chhiú phóng i ê bīn kap i sio-chim. Góa kō͘ i kah-ì ê hong-sek sóa-tāng góa ê chhùi, seng chim i ê téng tûn, koh lâi ē-tûn, jiân-āu góa khiú-khui, kā chhiú-kut kòa tī i ê keng-thâu. Tán kàu tiau-siōng sio-liáu í-āu -- he chiâⁿ tōa, thoa put-chí-á kú chiah sio-liáu -- ū lēng-gōa chi̍t-chióng siaⁿ, sī chi̍t-chūn kó͘-siaⁿ kap chii̍t-chūn guitar /gih.tà/ siaⁿ, chit-sî tōa-tiâⁿ hn̄g-hn̄g hit-thâu tiám-to̍h chiò-bêng ê teng-kng, koh sī chit-chūn kûn-chiòng ê hoah-siaⁿ, lâng-lâng sóa-ūi hiòng ga̍k-tūi khai-sí piáu-ián ê bú-tâi kiâⁿ khì, sì-ê sán-thiu ê cha-po͘ siàu-liân-ke àⁿ-sin tī in ê ga̍k-khì teh ián-chàu. Tî-liáu kó͘ kap guitar, mā ū chi̍t-tâi keyboard /khi.bó͘/ (khí-pôaⁿ), che sī Bí-kok sek ê im-ga̍k, góa siūⁿ, hām goán chiu-ûi ê chio̍h-thâu kiàn-tio̍k hām ī-kàu-tô͘ ê hóe hêng-sêng chi̍t-ê tùi-pí. Tī lâng-tīn lú lâi lú chió ê sî, R. hām góa bô sóa-ūi; goán mā bô boeh lâu lo̍h-lâi, in-ūi thiⁿ chin léng, ga̍k-tūi mā bô chin hó, koh khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē-á hóe, góa tio̍h boeh tńg-khì hotel. R. ê chhiú hut-jiân ùi góa chia kiu cháu, chhun ji̍p i ê tōa-i lak-tē-á, ùi hia the̍h chhut chi̍t-pau i khah chá hām chiú tâng-chê bé ê pô-tô-koaⁿ. Góa hiám-á bē-kì-tit, i kóng, hiám-á bē-hù ah. I kā chiú-kan kau hō͘ góa, thǹg chi̍t-ki kap-cháiⁿ chhiú-thò, thang tit phah-khui hit-ê pau-chong. Chhiú chhun hō͘ góa, i kóng, choăn góa kā kan-á khǹg tī thô͘-kha, chhiú chhun hō͘ i, chiàu i ê hoan-hù, kā chhiú-thò thǹg tiāu, i tō sǹg 12 lia̍p pô-tô-koaⁿ, pâi chi̍t-liat khǹg tī góa ê chhiú-sim, ùi chhiú-ba̍k kàu tiong-cháiⁿ ê chéng-thâu-á bóe, koh sǹg 12 lia̍p hō͘ i ka-tī. Che sī Portogal ê thoân-thóng, i bat kā góa kóng, chi̍t-lia̍p pô-tô tāi-piáu Sin-nî ê chi̍t kò goe̍h. I khòaⁿ góa, chhiò-chhiò, kóng: Skups, feliz ano (Sin-nî khoài-lo̍k), goán iū-koh sio-chim. I kā pô-tô-koaⁿ chò chi̍t-kái chia̍h, kā in hop-ji̍p chhùi, kā kap-cháiⁿ chhiú-thò lom hó-sè, chiah oan-io kā chiú-kan the̍h khí-lâi, oa̍t-sin khòaⁿ hóe. M̄-koh góa bô khòaⁿ hóe, góa ê ba̍k-chiu kan-ta kim-kim khòaⁿ i, sui-jiân chin kôaⁿ, góa siūⁿ boeh kap i tńg hotel, bih-ji̍p goán un-loán ê bîn-chhn̂g. Góa kā pô-tô-koaⁿ chi̍t-lia̍p chi̍t-lia̍p khǹg-ji̍p chhùi, ta̍k-lia̍p lóng tòe chi̍t-ê goān-bōng, m̄-koh góa múi-ê goān-bōng lóng sī sio-kāng ê goān-bōng.

[Soah]

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8. 每个願望攏是相仝 ê 願望

In 定著有用某種助燒劑, 定著有, 所以 tī 三个囡仔 kō͘ 火把 kā 焐 ê 時 (身軀歪一爿, 火把 tu 甲遠遠遠), 火焰隨 ùi 柴頭 chhèng 起來, ùi 基座到好笑 ê 王冠, 規个蛤仔即時 to̍h 起來. 自 án-ne 了, koh 有真大 ê 爆炸聲, 歕氣喇叭聲, kap 囡仔 kō͘ 手搖動 ê 摵仔和喨仔聲, chiah-ê 聲以外 koh 有人 ê 講話聲, 群眾為火, 為拄到 ê 新年喝咻 ê 聲. 大埕有幾若百人, tī 圍火堆 ê 柴欄杆四周 kheh 倚倚, 離較遠 ê 位人較少, 阮 tō 徛 tī 遮; tī 遮人中間有空間通互相敬酒, 酒貯 tī 塑膠杯 a̍h 小玻璃矸仔, R. 為阮扎來 ê prosecco 酒就是 kō͘ 有捘蓋 ê 矸仔貯. 啉酒了, 我 àⁿ 向伊, 雙手捧伊 ê 面 kap 伊相唚. 我 kō͘ 伊佮意 ê 方式徙動我 ê 喙, 先唚伊 ê 頂唇, koh 來下唇, 然後我搝開, kā 手骨掛 tī 伊 ê 肩頭. 等到雕像燒了以後 -- 彼誠大, 拖不止仔久才燒了 -- 有另外一種聲, 是一陣鼓聲 kap 一陣 guitar /gih.tà/ 聲, 這時大埕遠遠彼頭點 to̍h 照明 ê 燈光, koh 是一陣群眾 ê 喝聲, 人人徙位向樂隊開始表演 ê 舞台行去, 四个瘦抽 ê 查埔少年家 àⁿ 身 tī in ê 樂器 teh 演奏. 除了鼓 kap guitar, mā 有一台 keyboard /khi.bó͘/ (齒盤), 這是美國式 ê 音樂, 我想, 和阮周圍 ê 石頭建築和異教徒 ê 火形成一个對比. Tī 人陣 lú 來 lú 少 ê 時, R. 和我無徙位; 阮 mā 無欲留落來, 因為天真冷, 樂隊 mā 無真好, koh 看一下仔火, 我著欲轉去 hotel. R. ê 手忽然 ùi 我遮勼走, 伸入伊 ê 大衣橐袋仔, ùi 遐提出一包伊較早和酒同齊買 ê 葡萄乾. 我險仔袂記得, 伊講, 險仔袂赴 ah. 伊 kā 酒矸交予我, 褪一支佮指手套, 通得拍開彼个包裝. 手伸予我, 伊講, choăn 我 kā 矸仔囥 tī 塗跤, 手伸予伊, 照伊 ê 吩咐, kā 手套褪掉, 伊 tō 算 12 粒葡萄乾, 排一列囥 tī 我 ê 手心, ùi 手目到中指 ê 指頭仔尾, koh 算 12 粒予伊家治. 這是 Portugal ê 傳統, 伊捌 kā 我講, 一粒葡萄代表新年 ê 一個月. 伊看我, 笑笑, 講: Skups, feliz ano (新年快樂), 阮又閣相唚. 伊 kā 葡萄乾做一改食, kā in hop 入喙, kā 佮指手套 lom 好勢, 才彎腰 kā 酒矸提起來, 越身看火. 毋過我無看火, 我 ê 目睭干焦金金看伊, 雖然真寒, 我想欲 kap 伊轉 hotel, 覕入阮溫暖 ê 眠床. 我 kā 葡萄乾一粒一粒囥入喙, 逐粒攏綴一个願望, 毋過我每个願望攏是相仝 ê 願望.

[煞]

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8.

They had used some kind of accelerant, they must have, so that when the three children touched their torches to it (angling their bodies away, keeping the greatest distance between themselves and the fire) the flames leaped up the wood, from the base to the ridiculous crown the whole frog blazed up. And with it there was a huge explosion of sound, air horns and rattlers and little handheld bells children jingled, and above them all human voices, the crowd cheering both the fire and the New Year, which had just struck. There were hundreds of people in the square, pressed tight near the wooden barricades that held them back from the fire but thinner near the edges, where we were; there was space here for people to toast one another, with wine in plastic cups or little glass bottles like those R. had bought for us, prosecco with a twist-off cap. After we drank I leaned toward him and cupped his face in my palm and we kissed. I moved my mouth in a way he liked, kissing first his upper lip and then his lower before I drew away, hanging my arm around his shoulder. And then, as the statue burned—it was huge, it would take a long time to burn—there was another sound, a salute of drums and a burst of guitars, and then the far corner of the square lit up with floodlights, and there was a new shout from the crowd as it shifted toward the platform where the band had begun to play, four skinny boys bent over their instruments. There was a keyboard as well as the guitars and drums, it was an American sound, I thought, which contrasted with the stone buildings around us, with the pagan fire. R. and I didn’t move as the crowd thinned further; we wouldn’t stay, it was cold and the band wasn’t very good, we would watch the fire a little longer and then go back to the hotel. R. pulled away from me suddenly and reached into his coat pocket, taking from it the packet of raisins he had bought earlier with the wine. I almost forgot, he said, it’s almost too late. He handed me his bottle and took off one of his mittens so that he could open the packet. Give me your hand, he said, so I put the bottles on the ground and held it out to him, taking my glove off as he asked, and he counted out twelve raisins, placing them in my palm in a single line from my wrist to the tip of my third finger, then counting another twelve for himself. It was the Portuguese tradition, he had told me, a raisin for each month of the year that had passed, a wish for each month of the year to come. He looked at me and smiled, Skups, he said, feliz ano, and we kissed again. He ate his all at once, tossing them in his mouth and putting his mitten back on before he leaned down for his bottle and turned to watch the fire. But I didn’t watch the fire, I kept my eyes on him, though it was cold and I wanted to be back in the hotel with him, in the warmth of our bed. I took my time, I put the raisins in my mouth one by one, thinking a wish for each, though all my wishes were the same wish.

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//

Published in the print edition of the November 26, 2018, issue.

Garth Greenwell is the author of “What Belongs to You.” His most recent book, “Cleanness,” was published in January.

7. 我欲 kā 唚透透

7. Góa boeh kā chim thàu-thàu

... I pàng chin khin-sang, ke-ke kiám-kiám, i siang-kha chhun-chhun, siang-kha hiòng gōa, m̄-koh tng i kám-kak góa ê chhùi-tûn tī kha-té ê sî, i ê sin-khu bán-ân, kā kha-té chhoah khui, góa tio̍h kā lia̍h-tio̍h koh kā giú tńg-lâi. Hia i mā kiaⁿ-ngiau, bô-ài lâng kha̍p hia. Che sī chá-chêng tō ōe ê chi̍t-tiâu sòaⁿ, hit-sî hián-sī, tī seks hong-bīn góa khah mō͘-chìn, hèng khah chē mi̍h-kiāⁿ; i chhiò-chhiò kóng: góa hi-bāng lí mài pìⁿ he, he chiâⁿ thái-ko, góa bô-ài lí chhòng he. Che sī goán bô-kāng ê só͘-chāi, hō͘ góa bē-sóng ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ khah chió, tùi ū-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ góa ū khó-lêng bô iàu-ì, m̄-koh ūi tio̍h góa ê phōaⁿ-lū, góa iáu-sī goān-ì chhì. Góa ioh, he khó-lêng tō sī taⁿ i só͘ chò ê, tán i koh hō͘ góa kā i ê kha khiú tńg-lâi, siang-chhiú kā tēⁿ tio̍h, koh khì chim he kha-té, kha keng (arch), kha chéng-thâu-á té ê bah-thiap, chi̍t-ki chi̍t-ki, koh-lâi tō sī kha chéng-thâu-á pún-sin. Lí teh chhòng-siáⁿ ah, i kóng, góa bô hoat-tō͘ ìn, góa mā m̄-chai góa sī teh chhòng-siáⁿ, góa kan-ta sī koh siang-chhiú lia̍h i ê iáu chi̍t-ki kha, tiông-ho̍k tú-chiah góa tùi tē-it ki kha só͘ chò ê tōng-chok. Taⁿ góa bān-bān chò, pō͘-tiāu piàn ah; góa bô-ài pìⁿ kah i chhiò ah, góa m̄-chai góa boeh ài i án-nóa kám-kak. Koh-lâi, góa chim i ê kha-ba̍k, chim saⁿ ê ūi, ùi gōa-bīn hiòng lāi, ùi chiàⁿ-pêng hiòng tò-pêng, seng chim chiàⁿ-kha, chim tò-kha ê sî kái chò ùi tò-pêng hiòng chiàⁿ-pêng, pó-chhî góa ê hêng-sek. "Skups," R. kóng, che sī i mn̄g būn-tê ê hong-sek, i kiò góa a̍h sī goán hō͘-siong ê chheng-ho͘, che sī Bulgaria-gí ê ài-chheng. M̄-koh góa bô ìn, góa koh chò chi̍t-lûn hiah-ê kiss, pí thâu-chêng hiah-ê khah koân chi̍t-kóa, jiân-āu koh chi̍t-lûn; góa boeh kā chim thàu-thàu, góa tō sī boeh án-ne chò, góa ē kè-sio̍k chò, sui-bóng góa kám-kak tio̍h R. teh bô nāi-hoân, sui-bóng i koh kóng chi̍t-pái "Skups," jiân-āu, bián ké-sian, he sī i teh kéng-kò mài hiah to-chêng, kiò góa mài siuⁿ tāng kám-chêng. Góa bô chhap i, koh hiòng koân chi̍t inch. Góa ì-sek tio̍h, che tio̍h chiâⁿ tn̂g ê sî-kan; lí sióng-siōng chit-khoán tāi-chì ê sî, lí bē siūⁿ tio̍h he tio̍h gōa chē sî-kan, sin-khu sī gōa tōa, nn̄g-phìⁿ chhùi-tûn sī gōa sè. M̄-koh góa boeh chò, góa koat-tēng, góa ê sim-koaⁿ bô teh kóaⁿ, góa tîm-chùi tī chi̍t-chióng kî-koài ê nāi-sim lāi-té. Góa iân-lō͘ chim i, i ê kha-tó͘, kha-thâu-u, tōa-thúi, tiong-ng ê bah khah ân, siang-pêng ê bah khah nńg. Hiah-ê sī góa í-chêng m̄-bat bak kòe ê só͘-chāi, ū-ê só͘-chāi, án-ne hō͘ chit-ê sî-khek ū tiōng-le̍k, khah chē tiōng-le̍k; góa ná chim ná sè-siaⁿ kóng góa ài lí, koh chim nn̄g-ē liáu-āu góa iū-koh kóng, án-ne chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê sin ê hong-sek, chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái khin-siaⁿ kóng. Góa chim kàu-ūi ê sî, i ê ko̍k-ke nńg-nńg, góa ê mā án-ne, che sī kàu hit sî-chūn góa chiah chù-ì tio̍h. Góa kiông-boeh làng kòe hia, ná chim i chiàⁿ-pêng tōa-thúi ê téng-chat, koh-lâi boeh chim tò-pêng, m̄-koh góa bô kā làng kòe, góa mā ū kā chim, kap góa chim i ê pa̍t-ūi kāng-khoán, koh kóng-chhut hiah-ê ōe, taⁿ í-keng lú kóng lú chin. It-poaⁿ lâi kóng, ōe sī lú kóng lú ui, piàn kah bô te̍k-sek, piàn chhàu-phú, góa it-chài kā R. kóng ê ōe mā sī án-ne; sīm-chì tī goán iáu chiah-nī sin ê koan-hē tiong-kan, chiah-ê ōe mā í-keng sit khì in ê kháu-bī. Góa ē-kì-tit góa tē-it pái kā i kóng chiah-ê ōe ê sî só͘ kám-kak tio̍h ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, he sī tī kúi lé-pài í-chêng, hit-sî chiah-ê ōe iáu ū in ê le̍k-liōng; chin ê, nā kóng chiah-ê ōe bô tit-tio̍h hôe-tap hō͘ góa tio̍h-kiaⁿ (bô, tio̍h kòe kúi-ā kang i chiah ē tiông-ho̍k chiah-ê ōe), put-jû kóng góa khióng-kiaⁿ i ē hō͘ chiah-ê ōe heh cháu, i ē ná-chhiūⁿ góa kám-kak i sī iá-seng sió tōng-bu̍t án-ne tio̍h chheⁿ-kiaⁿ. M̄-koh taⁿ goán chhiâng-chāi án-ne kóng, tī goán lī-khui koh sio-kìⁿ ê sî (sīm-chì kan-ta boeh lī-khui pâng-keng, hun-khui bô kúi hun-cheng). M̄-koh tiông-ho̍k chiah-ê ōe taⁿ bē hō͘ in piàn chhàu-sng, tian-tò hō͘ goán chù-ì in, hō͘ in khí chok-iōng, hō͘ in koh chhut-hiān, hō͘ in khah khùn-lân koh kóng; góa hoat-hiān góa kiông-boeh bô hoat-tō͘ kóng chhut, tī R. tiām-tiām ê sî tùi i kóng sè-siaⁿ ōe, ná chim i pak-tó͘ ê nńg bah, i pín-á kut téng khah kiat-si̍t ê bah, i ê leng-thâu, i heng-chêng ê hit-chhok mo͘, i ê heng-kòa kut, i khì-kńg piⁿ peⁿ-ân ê phôe-hu. I ê chhiú-kut iáu sī gia̍h koân, m̄-koh i áu oan chhiú-khiau, chhiú ē-chat khòe tī bīn téng-koân. Góa koh chim i ê kòe-lâng kha, i hiàn chhut ê chhiú-kut ē-té bīn,  koh-lâi (taⁿ góa sī kūi tio̍h, góa ê kha-thâu-u tī i ê nn̄g-pêng) góa siang-chhiú lia̍h i ê chhiú-kut lī-khui i ê bīn. I tī hit-tōaⁿ sî-kan bô chhut chi̍t-ê siaⁿ, tī hit 15-20 hun-cheng hō͘ góa pìⁿ i ê sin-khu, chū-chiông chit-mn̄g góa ê miâ, góa bô chhap i hit-ê kéng-kò í-lâi; i ê chhoán-khùi bô jīm-hô piàn-hòa, a̍h sī kóng, góa bô chù-ì tio̍h, só͘-í góa kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê bīn ū ba̍k-sái, nn̄g-chōa lâu kàu hīⁿ-á, i bô kā chhit tiāu. Góa sóa i ê chhiú-kut ê sî, i bô chhì boeh cha̍h in, a̍h chhì boeh kā bīn sió se̍h chi̍t-ē, ká-ná bô-ài góa sio tùi-siòng (sui-bóng i ê ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh, bô siáⁿ thang tùi siòng). Góa tòng-tiām chi̍t-ē, siūⁿ boeh kóng siáⁿ, boeh mn̄g i lâu ba̍k-sái ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h, m̄-koh góa chai, he sī ūi siáⁿ-mi̍h, só͘-í góa àⁿ tī i téng-bīn chi̍t-khùn, chiah koh kè-sio̍k chim i, chim i ê ē-hâi, chhùi-ē-tàu, i ê chhùi-phé, chhùi-tûn, i ê chhùi-tûn bô hoán-èng, kan-ta koai-koai hō͘ góa chim, góa chim i ê hīⁿ-á, ba̍k-sái ê jiah, i ê ba̍k-chiu. Che sī tùi i, tùi i ê sin-khu ê chi̍t-chióng piáu-sī, góa ài lí, góa chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái khin-siaⁿ kā kóng. Āu-lâi, tán góa tī i ê hia̍h-thâu khǹg lo̍h chòe-āu chi̍t-chōa -- góa siūⁿ, he sī hoe-khoân, góa kā i kat chi̍t-ê hoe-khoân -- Lí siōng súi, góa kā i kóng, lí sī góa ê súi gín-á, i gia̍h-khí i ê chhiú-kut, kā góa giú lo̍h-khì teh tī i téng-bīn, ân-ân kā góa lám tio̍h. Lí chiah sī, i khin-siaⁿ kā góa kóng, lí sī, lí chiah sī.

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7. 我欲 kā 唚透透

... 伊放真輕鬆, 加加減減, 伊雙跤伸伸, 雙跤向外, 毋過 tng 伊感覺我 ê 喙唇 tī 跤底 ê 時, 伊 ê 身軀挽絚, kā 跤底掣開, 我著 kā 掠著 koh kā 搝轉來. 遐伊 mā 驚 ngiau, 無愛人磕遐. 這是早前 tō 畫 ê 一條線, 彼時顯示, tī seks 方面我較冒進, 興較濟物件; 伊笑笑講: 我希望你莫 pìⁿ 彼, 彼誠癩哥, 我無愛你創彼. 這是阮無仝 ê 所在, 予我袂爽 ê 物件較少, 對有 ê 物件我有可能無要意, 毋過為著我 ê 伴侶, 我猶是願意試. 我臆, 彼可能就是今伊所做 ê, 等伊 koh 予我 kā 伊 ê 跤搝轉來, 雙手 kā 捏著, koh 去唚彼跤底, 跤弓 (arch), 跤指頭仔底 ê 肉跕, 一支一支, 閣來就是跤指頭仔本身. 你 teh 創啥 ah, 伊講, 我無法度應, 我 mā 毋知我是 teh 創啥, 我干焦是 koh 雙手掠伊 ê 猶一支跤, 重複拄才我對第一支跤所做 ê 動作. 今我慢慢做, 步調變 ah; 我無愛 pìⁿ 甲伊笑 ah, 我毋知我欲愛伊按怎感覺. 閣來, 我唚伊 ê 跤目, 唚三个位, ùi 外面向內, ùi 正爿向倒爿, 先唚正跤, 唚倒跤 ê 時改做 ùi 倒爿向正爿, 保持我 ê 形式. "Skups," R. 講, 這是伊問問題 ê 方式, 伊叫我 a̍h 是阮互相 ê 稱呼, 這是 Bulgaria 語 ê 愛稱. 毋過我無應, 我 koh 做一輪 hiah-ê kiss, 比頭前 hiah-ê 較懸一寡, 然後 koh 一輪; 我欲 kā 唚透透, 我就是欲 án-ne 做, 我會繼續做, 雖罔我感覺著 R. teh 無耐煩, 雖罔伊 koh 講一擺 "Skups," 然後, 免假仙, 彼是伊 teh 警告莫 hiah 多情, 叫我莫 siuⁿ 重感情. 我無 chhap 伊, koh 向懸一 inch. 我意識著, 這著誠長 ê 時間; 你想像這款代誌 ê 時, 你袂想著彼著偌濟時間, 身軀是偌大, 兩片喙唇是偌細. 毋過我欲做, 我決定, 我 ê 心肝無 teh 趕, 我沉醉 tī 一種奇怪 ê 耐心內底. 我沿路唚伊, 伊 ê 跤肚, 跤頭趺, 大腿, 中央 ê 肉較絚, 雙爿 ê 肉較軟. Hiah-ê 是我以前毋捌沐過 ê 所在, 有 ê 所在, án-ne 予這个時刻有重力, 較濟重力; 我 ná 唚 ná 細聲講我愛你, koh 唚兩下了後我又閣講, án-ne 成做一个新 ê 方式, 一改 koh 一改輕聲講. 我唚到位 ê 時, 伊 ê 咯雞軟軟, 我 ê mā án-ne, 這是到彼時陣我才注意著. 我強欲閬過遐, ná 唚伊正爿大腿 ê 頂節, 閣來欲唚倒爿, 毋過我無 kā 閬過, 我 mā 有 kā 唚, kap 我唚伊 ê 別位仝款, koh 講出 hiah-ê 話, 今已經 lú 講 lú 真. 一般來講, 話是 lú 講 lú ui, 變甲無特色, 變臭殕, 我一再 kā R. 講 ê 話 mā 是 án-ne; 甚至 tī 阮猶 chiah-nī 新 ê 關係中間, chiah-ê 話 mā 已經失去 in ê 口味. 我會記得我第一擺 kā 伊講 chiah-ê 話 ê 時所感覺著 ê 驚惶, 彼是 tī 幾禮拜以前, 彼時 chiah-ê 話猶有 in ê 力量; 真 ê, 若講 chiah-ê 話無得著回答予我著驚 (無, 著過幾若工伊才會重複 chiah-ê 話), 不如講我恐驚伊會予 chiah-ê 話嚇走, 伊會 ná 像我感覺伊是野生小動物 án-ne 著生驚. 毋過今阮常在 án-ne 講, tī 阮離開 koh 相見 ê 時 (甚至干焦欲離開房間, 分開無幾分鐘). 毋過重複 chiah-ê 話今袂予 in 變臭酸, 顛倒予阮注意 in, 予 in 起作用, 予 in koh 出現, 予 in 較困難 koh 講; 我發現我強欲無法度講出, tī R. 恬恬 ê 時對伊講細聲話, ná 唚伊腹肚 ê 軟肉, 伊箅仔骨頂較結實 ê 肉, 伊 ê 奶頭, 伊胸前 ê 彼簇毛, 伊 ê 胸掛骨, 伊氣管邊繃絚 ê 皮膚. 伊 ê 手骨猶是攑懸, 毋過伊拗彎手曲, 手下節蹶 tī 面頂懸. 我 koh 唚伊 ê 過人跤, 伊現出 ê 手骨下底面,  閣來 (今我是跪著, 我 ê 跤頭趺 tī 伊 ê 兩爿) 我雙手掠伊 ê 手骨離開伊 ê 面. 伊 tī 彼段時間無出一个聲, tī 彼 15-20 分鐘予我 pìⁿ 伊 ê 身軀, 自從質問我 ê 名, 我無 chhap 伊彼个警告以來; 伊 ê 喘氣無任何變化, a̍h 是講, 我無注意著, 所以我驚一趒看著伊 ê 面有目屎, 兩逝流到耳仔, 伊無 kā 拭掉. 我徙伊 ê 手骨 ê 時, 伊無試欲閘 in, a̍h 試欲 kā 面小踅一下, ká-ná 無愛我 sio 對相 (雖罔伊 ê 目睭瞌瞌, 無啥通對相). 我擋恬一下, 想欲講啥, 欲問伊流目屎為啥物, 毋過我知, 彼是為啥物, 所以我 àⁿ tī 伊頂面一睏, 才 koh 繼續唚伊, 唚伊 ê 下頦, 喙下斗, 伊 ê 喙䫌, 喙唇, 伊 ê 喙唇無反應, 干焦乖乖予我唚, 我唚伊 ê 耳仔, 目屎 ê 跡, 伊 ê 目睭. 這是對伊, 對伊 ê 身軀 ê 一種表示, 我愛你, 我一改 koh 一改輕聲 kā 講. 後來, 等我 tī 伊 ê 額頭囥落最後一逝 -- 我想, 彼是花環, 我 kā 伊結一个花環 -- 你上媠, 我 kā 伊講, 你是我 ê 媠囡仔, 伊攑起伊 ê 手骨, kā 我搝落去硩 tī 伊頂面, 絚絚 kā 我攬著. 你才是, 伊輕聲 kā 我講, 你是, 你才是.

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7.

... He was relaxed, more or less, his legs were outstretched, his feet splayed to either side, but his whole body tensed when he felt my lips on the sole of his foot, which he snatched away, I had to grab it and pull it back. He was ticklish there, too, he didn’t like to be touched there. It had been a line drawn early on, when it became clear I was more adventurous in sex, had a wider palette of things that turned me on; I hope you’re not into that, he had said, laughing, it’s gross, I don’t want you to be into that. It was a difference between us, that fewer things put me off, that I could be indifferent to something and still indulge it for my partner’s sake. That was what he did now, I guess, when he let me pull his foot back to me, holding it in both hands as I kissed the sole again, the arch and then the pads at the base of his toes, each of them, and then the toes themselves. What are you doing, he said, and I couldn’t answer, I wasn’t sure what I was doing as I took the other foot in my hands and repeated what I had done with the first. I was moving slowly now, the tone had changed; I didn’t want to make him laugh anymore, I didn’t know what I wanted him to feel. I kissed his ankles next, at three points, moving from the outside in, from right to left on his right leg, from left to right on his left, which would remain my pattern. Skups, R. said, a question in the way he said it, his name for me or our name for each other, a play on a Bulgarian endearment. But I didn’t answer, I made another band of these kisses, slightly higher than the first, and then another; I would cover him in kisses, that was what I wanted to do, and I would do it even though I could feel R.’s impatience, even as he said again Skups, and then, don’t be cheesy, which was his warning against too much affection, against my surfeit of feeling. I ignored it, moving up another inch. It would take a long time, I realized; when you imagine something like that you don’t think about how long it will take, how large a body is, how small a pair of lips. But I would do it, I decided, a kind of unhurriedness opened up in me, a weird wide patience I sank into. I strung kisses across him, his calves and knees, his thighs, the flesh firm in the center and giving at the sides. They were places I had never touched before, some of them, and this gave gravity to the moment, more gravity; I whispered I love you as I kissed him, and then two kisses later I whispered it again, which became a new pattern, to whisper it again and again. His cock was soft when I reached it, as mine was, I hadn’t noticed it until then. I almost passed over it, kissing his upper thigh on the right and then the left, but I didn’t skip it, I kissed it, too, as I had kissed the rest of him, and said again the words that somehow became more real with repetition. Usually words wear out the more you use them, they become featureless, rote, and more than any others this is true of the words I repeated to R.; even in our relationship that was still so new they had lost most of their flavor. I remembered the fear I had felt the first time I spoke them to him, weeks before, when they had had all their force; I had been terrified, really, not so much that they wouldn’t be answered (they weren’t, it would be days before he repeated them) as that they would scare him away, that he would startle like the wild thing I sometimes felt he was. But now we said them often, when we left each other and were reunited (even if it was only a room we left, only minutes we were separated). But repeating the words now didn’t dull them, it called them to attention somehow, to service, it restored them, so that they became difficult to say again; I found myself almost unable to speak as I whispered into R.’s silence, kissing the soft flesh of his stomach, the firmer flesh over his ribs, his nipples and the patch of hair at the center of his chest, his collarbone, the taut skin at his windpipe. His arms were still raised but he had folded them at the elbow, crossing his forearms over his face. I kissed his armpits again, the exposed undersides of his arms, and then (I was kneeling now, my knees on either side of him) I took his arms in my hands and moved them away from his face. He hadn’t uttered a sound in all that time, the fifteen or twenty minutes it had taken me to make my way up his body, not since the interrogative of my name, the admonition I ignored; there hadn’t been any change in his breath, or none I had noticed, and so I was surprised to see the tears on his face, two lines that fell toward his ears, he hadn’t wiped them away. He didn’t try to hide them when I moved his arm, or tried only by turning his face slightly, as if he didn’t want to meet my gaze (though his eyes were shut, there was no gaze to meet). I paused a moment, wanting to speak, to ask him what they were for, his tears, but I knew what they were for, and so I hung over him a moment before I continued kissing him, the line of his jaw, his chin, his cheek and lips, which didn’t answer mine, which suffered themselves to be kissed, his ears, the tracks of his tears, his eyes. It was a kind of blazon of him, of his body, I love you, I whispered again and again to him. And then, when I had laid the last line across his forehead—a garland, I thought, I had garlanded him—You are the most beautiful, I said to him, you are my beautiful boy, and he reached his arms up and pulled me down on top of him, clutching me tightly. You are, he whispered to me, you are, you are.

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