Q. Chiáu-á Koa | 鳥仔歌 - 1. 我袂 kā 你阻擋

Birdsong /by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (September 13, 2010)
https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/09/20/birdsong-2

Chiáu-á Koa | 鳥仔歌

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1. Góa bē kā lí chó͘-tòng

Hit-ê cha-bó͘, chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn lâng, teh khòaⁿ góa. Tī sio hōng-hōng ê ē-tàu, tī otobái tīn kap hoàn-á ê tiong-kan, yi ùi yi ê jeep /jì-pù/ ê āu-chō ǹg-ē khòaⁿ góa. Yi ê ba̍k-kng ti̍t-chiap, bô làng-phāng. Yi m̄-sī chhiūⁿ lâng tha-chhia tī Lagos ê sî án-ne, kan-ta khòaⁿ sin-piⁿ ê chhia; yi ti̍t-tú-ti̍t teh khòaⁿ góa. Thâu-khí-seng, góa khòaⁿ pa̍t-ūi khì, āu-lâi góa mā lia̍h yi khòaⁿ, khòaⁿ yi he chhàng-chhàng ê thâu-mo͘-si phi tī keng-thâu, he kiò-chò Brazil Hoat-hêng, sī khai Bí-kim tī Victoria Tó ê hoat-lông chò ê; khòaⁿ yi ê chhián-sek phôe-hu, siám-sih tio̍h ko-kip krimù ê sok-ka-kám kim-ku̍t; khòaⁿ yi he kí-cháiⁿ kòa chu-pó ê chhiú, yi ia̍t-chhiú kóaⁿ chi̍t-ê bē cha̍p-chì ê hoàn-á, sī koàn-sì ia̍t-chhiú kóaⁿ lâng ê chu-sè. Yi súi, a̍h sī kóng, yi ê iông-māu put-hoân, bēng-siōng ê nn̄g-lúi tōa ba̍k-chiu chhim-chhim, "súi" sī tùi yi siōng kán-tan ê hêng-iông. Yi tō sī góa só͘ sióng-siōng ê goán ài-jîn ê khan-chhiú hit-chióng cha-bó͘, sī tāi-chì ū-lâng thè yi pān ê hit-chióng cha-bó͘.

Goán ài-jîn. Che thiaⁿ tio̍h sió-khóa phòng-hong, m̄-koh góa chèng-keng m̄-chai án-chóaⁿ kā chheng-ho͘. "Lâm-pêng-iú" ká-ná bô sek-ha̍p chi̍t-ê 45 hòe ê thé-biān cha-po͘, tī chiap-chhiok góa chìn-chêng, i sió-sim pak-lo̍h kiat-hun chhiú-chí. Chikwado kiò i "lín cha-po͘-lâng," kòa chi̍t-ê khin-khin ê gio̍h-chhiò, ká-ná goán nn̄g-lâng lóng teh kún-chhiò: tong-jiân i m̄-sī góa ê. "Ah, lí chóng-sī ūi tio̍h chit-ê lín cha-po͘-lâng chiah kín-kín kóaⁿ boeh lī-khui," yi ē án-ne kóng, tò-theⁿ tī í-á, ná kō͘ chhiú phah ka-tī ê thâu, chi̍t-piàn koh chi̍t-piàn. Yi thâu-chang ē-bīn ê phôe teh chiūⁿ, chí-hó kō͘ chit-chiau jiàu-chiūⁿ. "Hó-hó hiáng-siū oh, chí-iàu lí ê cheng-sîn chiap-siū he, m̄-koh nā sī góa, góa bô khó-lêng peh tōa-thúi hō͘ ū-bó͘ ê cha-po͘-lâng." Tī góa hā-pan chêng chéng-lí bûn-kiāⁿ koh koaiⁿ tiān-náu ê sî, yi tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ án-ne kóng, kek chi̍t-ê bêng-hián ê tō-tek koân-tō͘.

Goán sī hō͘-siong su-iàu ê pêng-iú, in-ūi goán lóng ùi Enugu Hāu-hn̂g chhut-gia̍p, chòe-āu lâi Lagos ê Celnet Tiān-sìn chia̍h-thâu-lō͘, sī siā-khu koan-hē pō͘-mn̂g ûi-jī ê lú-sèng. Nā m̄-sī án-ne, goán tō bē chò pêng-iú ah. Góa thó-ià yi he kòe-thâu kán-hòa ê toàn-tēng, góa mā chai, yi jīn-ûi góa ê hêng-ûi tō ná chhiūⁿ jīm-sèng, bē-su gōa-kok ê chheng-siàu-liân: lâu thian-jiân, bô án-nóa chián ê thâu-chang, tī tōa-lâu chiàⁿ-bīn lâng-lâng khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h ê só͘-chāi pok-hun, kī-choa̍t chham-ka láu-pán chú-chhî ê pài-it meeting /mí-tèng/ liáu-āu ê kî-tó. Góa pún-chiâⁿ bē kā kóng goán ài-jîn ê tāi-chì -- góa m̄-bat kā kóng góa ê su-seng-oa̍h -- m̄-koh i tē-it pái lâi góa ê pān-kong-sek hit-sî, yi tú-hó tī hia, chi̍t-ê sán-thiu, o͘-bah ê cha-po͘, kat kiô-sek nekutái, chin ū-chîⁿ ê khoán. I chhiong-móa hit-chióng bô iàu-ì ka-tī tē-ūi, soah oa̍t-lú hián-sī tē-ūi ê lâm-sèng chiah ū ê kim sih-sih ê chū-chun. Goán láu-pán kō͘ siang-chhiú kap i at-chhiú, kóng, "Hoan-gêng, sian-siⁿ, khòaⁿ tio̍h lí chiâⁿ hó, sian-siⁿ, lí hó bô, sian-siⁿ, chhiáⁿ kòe-lâi chia chē, sian-siⁿ." Chikwado mā tī hia, hit-sî i khòaⁿ góa, góa mā khòaⁿ i, i tō chhiò chi̍t-ē, tùi só͘-ū ê mi̍h, chóng-sī chi̍t-ê un-loán, hoaⁿ-hí ê bî-chhiò. Yi thiaⁿ tio̍h i kā goán láu-pán kóng, "Góa ê ka-têng tòa tī Bí-kok," ūi tio̍h hō͘ góa mā thiaⁿ tio̍h, i kóng liáu sió-khóa siuⁿ tōa-siaⁿ, tài chi̍t-ê kìⁿ-kòe sè-bīn ê Nigeria lâng ê gōa-kok khiuⁿ, āu-lâi góa hoat-hiān, tng i chin-chiàⁿ teh hèng mi̍h-kiāⁿ ê sî, chit-lō khiuⁿ-kháu tō bô khì ah. Yi khòaⁿ tio̍h i kiâⁿ kòe-lâi, hō͘ góa i ê miâ-phìⁿ. Kòe kúi-kang, i ê su-ki sàng chi̍t-pau lé-mi̍h ê sî, yi mā tī hia. In-ūi yi khòaⁿ tio̍h, iū in-ūi góa siū-tio̍h chi̍t-ê bêng-chai bô sek-ha̍p góa ê cha-po͘ ê bo̍k-bêng ê chêng-kám só͘ pau-ûi, góa tō hō͘ yi khòaⁿ he phang-chúi kap hit-tiuⁿ khah-phìⁿ, téng-koân siá, "Góa teh siūⁿ lí."

"Óa-seh! Khòaⁿ lí ê ba̍k-chiu ūi chi̍t-ê ū-bó͘ ê cha-po͘ lâng siám-sih kah chit-khoán. Lí su-iàu kái-thoat ê kî-tó," Chikwado pòaⁿ kún-chhiò án-ne kóng. Yi chhiâng-chāi khì bô-kāng ê kàu-tn̂g chham-ka thiat-iā-tó (徹夜禱), m̄-koh chú-tê lóng sī Chhōe Thian-sù Phōaⁿ-lū; keh-kang chá-khí yi lâi siōng-pan tō ài-khùn-sîn, ba̍k-chiu khan âng-si, iū koh teh an-pâi lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê oa̍h-tāng. Yi kin-nî 32, í-keng hō͘ ǹg-bāng an-tēng ê ap-le̍k teh kah kho̍k-kho̍k phîn. Yi kóng ê chiâu sī chiah-ê. Só͘-ū goán cha-bó͘ tông-sū tī si̍t-tn̂g chia̍h-tàu ê sî, mā lóng sī kóng chiah-ê. Yewande teh lōng-hùi sî-kan kap hit-ê cha-po͘ kiâⁿ -- i iáu bōe boeh an-tēng lo̍h-lâi. Lí tio̍h mn̄g i oh, i nā bô khòaⁿ tio̍h bī-lâi ê hun-in, lí siōng-hó khì pa̍t-ūi chhōe; lâng sī bē koh chheng-chhun. Ekaete chin hó-ūn, kan-ta la̍k kò goe̍h, yi í-keng tēng-hun ah. Yin ná teh kóng, góa ná khòaⁿ thang-á gōa, koân-koân tī Lagos téng-bīn, khòaⁿ kui-phiàn ê seⁿ-sian chhù-téng, khòaⁿ chit-ê móa-móa sī ū-o͘-tiám ê thiⁿ-sài ê to͘-chhī, khòaⁿ i ê hi-bāng ê khí kap lo̍h.

Sīm-chì góa ê ài-jîn mā kóng-khí chit-ê goān-bāng. "Chin kín lí tō ē boeh an-tēng lo̍h-lâi," i kóng. "Góa chí-sī boeh hō͘ lí chai, góa bē kā lí chó͘-tòng." Goán lō͘-thé tó tī bîn-chhn̂g; che sī goán ê tē-it kái. I ê thâu-mo͘ kiap tio̍h chi̍t-si chím-thâu ke-mo͘, góa thè i khioh, koh hō͘ i khòaⁿ. Góa lân-tit siong-sìn, tī  tú-chiah ê pān-sū liáu, goán nn̄g-lâng to iáu in-ūi tùi-hong ê un-loán ē bīn-âng, hit-kù ōe i soah kóng kah hiah chū-jiân. "Góa kap kî-thaⁿ cha-po͘ bô kāng, in lia̍h-chún ē-tàng khòng-chè lí ê seng-oa̍h, m̄-chún lí hiòng chêng," i kè-sio̍k kóng, ná kō͘ chhiú āu-khiau thèⁿ koân ka-tī, ná khòaⁿ góa. I teh kóng ê sī, i pí pa̍t-lâng khah gâu sńg, iá góa liân boeh sńg siáⁿ mā iáu m̄-chai. Chū-chiông góa tú tio̍h i hit-khek khai-sí, góa kám-kak ū khó-lêng-sèng, m̄-koh tùi i lâi kóng, lō͘ í-keng koaiⁿ, sū-si̍t-siōng, lō͘ m̄-bat khui; bô khong-kan thang hō͘ mi̍h-kiāⁿ ji̍p-khì sàu, ji̍p-khì loān.

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1. 我袂 kā 你阻擋

彼个查某, 一个生份人, teh 看我. Tī 燒烘烘 ê 下晝, tī otobái 陣 kap 販仔 ê 中間, 她 ùi 她 ê jeep /jì-pù/ ê 後座 ǹg 下看我. 她 ê 目光直接, 無閬縫. 伊毋是像人窒車 tī Lagos ê 時 án-ne, 干焦看身邊 ê 車; 她直拄直 teh 看我. 頭起先, 我看別位去, 後來我 mā 掠她看, 看她彼聳聳 ê 頭毛絲披 tī 肩頭, 彼叫做 Brazil 髮型, 是開美金 tī Victoria 島 ê 髮廊做 ê; 看她 ê 淺色皮膚, 閃爍著高級 krimù ê 塑膠感金滑; 看她 he kí-cháiⁿ 掛珠寶 ê 手, 她擛手趕一个賣雜誌 ê 販仔, 是慣勢擛手趕人 ê 姿勢. 她媠, a̍h 是講, 她 ê 容貌不凡, 面上 ê 兩蕊大目睭深深, "媠" 是對她上簡單 ê 形容. 她 tō 是我所想像 ê 阮愛人 ê 牽手彼種查某, 是代誌有人替她辦 ê 彼種查某.

阮愛人. 這聽著小可膨風, m̄-koh 我正經毋知按怎 kā 稱呼. "男朋友" ká-ná 無適合一个 45 歲 ê 體面查埔, tī 接觸我進前, 伊小心剝落結婚手只. Chikwado 叫伊 "恁查埔人," 掛一个輕輕 ê 謔笑, ká-ná 阮兩人攏 teh 滾笑: 當然伊毋是我 ê. "Ah, 你總是為著這个恁查埔人 chiah 緊緊趕欲離開," 她會 án-ne 講, 倒撐 tī 椅仔, ná kō͘ 手拍 ka-tī ê 頭, 一遍 koh 一遍. 她頭鬃下面 ê 皮 teh 癢, 只好 kō͘ 這招抓癢. "好好享受 oh, 只要你 ê 精神接受 he, m̄-koh 若是我, 我無可能 peh 大腿予有某 ê 查埔人." Tī 我下班前整理文件 koh 關電腦 ê 時, 她定定 án-ne 講, 激一个明顯 ê 道德懸度.

阮是互相需要 ê 朋友, 因為阮攏 ùi Enugu 校園出業, 最後來 Lagos ê Celnet 電信食頭路, 是社區關係部門唯二 ê 女性. 若毋是 án-ne, 阮 tō 袂做朋友 ah. 我討厭她 he 過頭簡化 ê 斷定, 我 mā 知, 她認為我 ê 行為 tō ná 像任性, 袂輸外國 ê 青少年: 留天然, 無 án-nóa 剪 ê 頭鬃, tī 大樓正面人人看會著 ê 所在噗薰, 拒絕參加老板主持 ê 拜一 meeting /mí-tèng/ 了後 ê 祈禱. 我本成袂 kā 講阮愛人 ê 代誌 -- 我 m̄-bat kā 講我 ê 私生活 -- m̄-koh 伊第一擺來我 ê 辦公室彼時, 她拄好 tī hia, 一个瘦抽, 烏肉 ê 查埔, 結茄色 nekutái, 真有錢 ê 款. 伊充滿彼種無要意 ka-tī 地位, 煞越愈顯示地位 ê 男性才有 ê 金 sih-sih ê 自尊. 阮老板 kō͘ 雙手 kap 伊握手, 講, "歡迎, 先生, 看著你誠好, 先生, 你好無, 先生, 請過來 chia 坐, 先生." Chikwado mā tī hia, 彼時伊看我, 我 mā 看伊, 伊 tō 笑一下, 對所有 ê 物, 總是一个溫暖, 歡喜 ê 微笑. 她聽著伊 kā 阮老板講, "我 ê 家庭蹛 tī 美國," 為著予我 mā 聽著, 伊講了小可 siuⁿ 大聲, 帶一个見過世面 ê Nigeria 人 ê 外國腔, 後來我發現, tng 伊真正 teh 興物件 ê 時, chit-lō 腔口 tō 無去 ah. 她看著伊行過來, 予我伊 ê 名片. 過幾工, 伊 ê 司機送一包禮物 ê 時, 她 mā tī hia. 因為她看著, 又因為我受著一个明知無適合我 ê 查埔 ê 莫名 ê 情感所包圍, 我 tō 予她看 he 芳水 kap 彼張卡片, 頂懸寫, "我 teh 想你."

"Óa-seh! 看你 ê 目睭為一个有某 ê 查埔人閃爍 kah 這款. 你需要解脫 ê 祈禱," Chikwado 半滾笑 án-ne 講. 她常在去無仝 ê 教堂參加 thiat-iā-tó (徹夜禱), m̄-koh 主題攏是揣天賜伴侶; 隔工早起她來上班 tō 愛睏神, 目睭牽紅絲, 又 koh teh 安排另外一个活動. 她今年 32, 已經予 ǹg 望安定 ê 壓力硩 kah kho̍k-kho̍k phîn. 她講 ê chiâu 是 chiah-ê. 所有阮查某同事 tī 食堂食晝 ê 時, mā 攏是講 chiah-ê. Yewande teh 浪費時間 kap 彼个查埔行 -- 伊猶未欲安定落來. 你著問伊 oh, 伊若無看著未來 ê 婚姻, 你上好去別位揣; 人是袂 koh 青春. Ekaete 真好運, 干焦六個月, 她已經訂婚 ah. 姻 ná teh 講, 我 ná 看窗仔外, 懸懸 tī Lagos 頂面, 看規遍 ê 生鉎厝頂, 看這个滿滿是有烏點 ê 天使 ê 都市, 看伊 ê 希望 ê 起 kap 落.

甚至我 ê 愛人 mā 講起這个願望. "真緊你 tō 會欲安定落來," 伊講. "我只是欲予你知, 我袂 kā 你阻擋." 阮露體倒 tī 眠床; 這是阮 ê 第一改. 伊 ê 頭毛夾著一絲枕頭雞毛, 我替伊抾, koh 予伊看. 我難得相信, tī 拄才 ê 辦事了, 阮兩人 to 猶因為對方 ê 溫暖會面紅, 彼句話伊煞講 kah hiah 自然. "我 kap 其他查埔無仝, in 掠準會當控制你 ê 生活, 毋准你向前," 伊繼續講, ná kō͘ 手後曲牚懸 ka-tī, ná 看我. 伊 teh 講 ê 是, 伊比別人較 gâu 耍, iá 我連欲耍啥 mā 猶毋知. 自從我拄著伊彼刻開始, 我感覺有可能性, m̄-koh 對伊來講, 路已經關, 事實上, 路 m̄-bat 開; 無空間通予物件入去掃, 入去亂.

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1.

The woman, a stranger, was looking at me. In the glare of the hot afternoon, in the swirl of motorcycles and hawkers, she was looking down at me from the back seat of her jeep. Her stare was too direct, not sufficiently vacant. She was not merely resting her eyes on the car next to hers, as people often do in Lagos traffic; she was looking at me. At first, I glanced away, but then I stared back, at the haughty silkiness of the weave that fell to her shoulders in loose curls, the kind of extension called Brazilian Hair and paid for in dollars at Victoria Island hair salons; at her fair skin, which had the plastic sheen that comes from expensive creams; and at her hand, forefinger bejewelled, which she raised to wave a magazine hawker away, with the ease of a person used to waving people away. She was beautiful, or perhaps she was just so unusual-looking, with wide-set eyes sunk deep in her face, that “beautiful” was the easiest way of describing her. She was the kind of woman I imagined my lover’s wife was, a woman for whom things were done.

My lover. It sounds a little melodramatic, but I never knew how to refer to him. “Boyfriend” seemed wrong for an urbane man of forty-five who carefully slipped off his wedding ring before he touched me. Chikwado called him “your man,” with a faintly sneering smile, as though we were both in on the joke: he was not, of course, mine. “Ah, you are always rushing to leave because of this your man,” she would say, leaning back in her chair and smacking her head with her hand, over and over. Her scalp was itchy beneath her weave, and this was the only way she could come close to scratching it. “Have fun oh, as long as your spirit accepts it, but as for me, I cannot spread my legs for a married man.” She said this often, with a clear-eyed moral superiority, as I packed my files and shut down my computer for the day.

We were friends out of necessity, because we had both graduated from Enugu Campus and ended up working for Celnet Telecom, in Lagos, as the only females in the community-relations unit. Otherwise, we would not have been friends. I was irritated by how full of simplified certainties she was, and I knew that she thought I behaved like an irresponsible, vaguely foreign teen-ager: wearing my hair in a natural low-cut, smoking cigarettes right in front of the building, where everyone could see, and refusing to join in the prayer sessions our boss led after Monday meetings. I would not have told her about my lover—I did not tell her about my personal life—but she was there when he first walked into our office, a lean, dark man with a purple tie and a moneyed manner. He was full of the glossy self-regard of men who shrugged off their importance in a way that only emphasized it. Our boss shook his hand with both hands and said, “Welcome, sir, it is good to see you, sir, how are you doing, sir, please come and sit down, sir.” Chikwado was there when he looked at me and I looked at him and then he smiled, of all things, a warm, open smile. She heard when he said to our boss, “My family lives in America,” a little too loudly, for my benefit, with that generic foreign accent of the worldly Nigerian, which, I would discover later, disappeared when he became truly animated about something. She saw him walk over and give me his business card. She was there, a few days later, when his driver came to deliver a gift bag. Because she had seen, and because I was swamped with emotions that I could not name for a man I knew was wrong for me, I showed her the perfume and the card that said, “I am thinking of you.”

“Na wa! Look at how your eyes are shining because of a married man. You need deliverance prayers,” Chikwado said, half joking. She went to night-vigil services often, at different churches, but all with the theme Finding Your God-Given Mate; she would come to work the next morning sleepy, the whites of her eyes flecked with red, but already planning to attend another service. She was thirty-two and tottering under the weight of her desire: to settle down. It was all she talked about. It was all our female co-workers talked about when we had lunch at the cafeteria. Yewande is wasting her time with that man—he is not ready to settle down. Please ask him oh, if he does not see marriage in the future then you better look elsewhere; nobody is getting any younger. Ekaete is lucky, just six months and she is already engaged. While they talked, I would look out the window, high up above Lagos, at the acres of rusted roofs, at the rise and fall of hope in this city full of tarnished angels.

Even my lover spoke of this desire. “You’ll want to settle down soon,” he said. “I just want you to know I’m not going to stand in your way.” We were naked in bed; it was our first time. A feather from the pillow was stuck in his hair, and I had just picked it out and showed it to him. I could not believe, in the aftermath of what had just happened, both of us still flush from each other’s warmth, how easily the words rolled out of his mouth. “I’m not like other men, who think they can dominate your life and not let you move forward,” he continued, propping himself up on his elbow to look at me. He was telling me that he played the game better than others, while I had not yet conceived of the game itself. From the moment I met him, I had had the sensation of possibility, but for him the path was already closed, had indeed never been open; there was no room for things to sweep in and disrupt.

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8. 蝶仔結慢慢敨開

8. Ia̍h-á kat bān-bān tháu-khui

Ū chi̍t-ê keng-tián, chin-chiàⁿ ê keng-tián, góa iáu-bōe kā lí kóng.

Chi̍t-ê lú-pêng-iú hām lâm-pêng-iú khì thêng-chhia. Ū-lâng kóng he ì-sù tō sī tī chhia-téng sio-chim, m̄-koh góa chai chit-ê kò͘-sū. In thêng-chhia tī chi̍t-ê ô͘-piⁿ. In tī chhia āu-chō chhia-péng, bē-su sè-kài tit-boeh kiat-sok ah. Hoān-sè chin-chiàⁿ sī án-ne. Yi hiàn-chhut ka-tī, i mā bô sè-jī kā chiap-siū, tāi-chì pān hó-sè liáu, in chūn lajíoh lâi thiaⁿ.

Lajíoh pò-sàng kóng, chi̍t-ê hong-kông ê thih-kau chhiú sat-jîn-hoān í-keng ùi chāi-tē ê siáu-lâng pēⁿ-īⁿ tô-cháu. Lâm-pêng-iú ná ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò ná ōaⁿ kòe im-ga̍k-tâi. Koa chhiùⁿ liáu ê sî, lú-pêng-iú thiaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-ê ná chhiūⁿ kō͘ hôe-bûn-chiam koeh po-lê ê siaⁿ. Yi lia̍h lâm-pêng-iú khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē, tō giú yi ê iûⁿ-mô͘-saⁿ khàm bô chhēng-saⁿ ê keng-kah-thâu, koh kō͘ chi̍t-ki chhiú-kut khàm yi ê nn̄g-lia̍p leng.

-- Lán hó lâi-khì ah, yi kóng.

-- Bān-chhiáⁿ, koai, lâm-pêng-iú kóng, lán koh lâi chi̍t-piàn.

-- Sat-jîn-hoān nā lâi chia, boeh án-nóa? chă gín-á mn̄g. Siáu-lâng pēⁿ-īⁿ lī chia chin kīn.

-- Lán bô tāi-chì, koai, lâm-pêng-iú kóng. Lí kám bē sìn-jīm góa?

Lú-pêng-iú tìm-thâu, bô chin chêng-goān.

-- Án-ne tō hó, i kóng, he thoa tn̂g-tn̂g ê siaⁿ yi í-keng thiaⁿ kah chin koàn-sì ah. I kā yi ê chhiú ùi heng-chêng sóa lâi ka-tī ê sin-khu. Án-ne yi chóng-sǹg kā ba̍k-kng ùi ô͘-piⁿ sóa khui.

Gōa-bīn, goe̍h-kng hoán-siā siám-sih ê thih-kau. Sat-jîn-hoān hiòng yi ia̍t-chhiú, chhùi gi-gi.

Pháiⁿ-sè, góa í-keng bē kì-tit chit-ê kò͘-sū ê kî-thaⁿ pō͘-hūn ah.

*

Bô goán kiáⁿ tī leh, chhù nih chiâⁿ chēng. Góa kiâⁿ tī chhù-lāi, chia bong hia bong. Góa chin hoaⁿ-hí, m̄-koh sim-koaⁿ sóa khì chi̍t-ê chheⁿ-hūn ê sin só͘-chāi.

Hit-àm, goán ang mn̄g góa kám boeh kā chiah-ê sin ê khang pâng pān sé-lé. Chū-chiông goán kiáⁿ bōe chhut-sì í-lâi, góa m̄-bat ū chiah kek-lia̍t ê liân-kiat. Phak tī chàu-kha ê toh-á téng, góa ê thé-lāi tiám-to̍h chi̍t-kóa kū mi̍h, góa siūⁿ khí kòe-khì goán kòe-giàn ê hong-sek, goán án-nóa tī só͘-ū mi̍h-kiāⁿ téng-bīn lâu lo̍h goán ê ài. Góa 17 hòe hit-nî, tī hit-ê iàn-hōe góa ē-sái tú tio̍h jīm-hô lâng -- pì-sù ê cha-po͘ gín-á a̍h chho͘-ló͘ ê cha-po͘ gín-á. Sìn-kàu ê cha-po͘ gín-á chiong ē chhōa góa kàu iâu-oán ê kok-ka, khì hia ǹg hia ê ki-bîn thoân-kàu. Góa ū khó-lêng keng-giām tio̍h sǹg bē-chheng ê pi-siong kap put-boán. M̄-koh, tī tē-pán siōng khiâ tī i téng-koân, góa chai hit-nî góa chò ê sī chèng-khak ê koat-tēng.

Goán thiám kah khùn khì, chhiah-sin-lō͘-thé tó tī bîn-chhn̂g. Tán góa chhéⁿ lâi ê sî, goán ang teh chim góa ê ām-kún āu-niā, kō͘ i ê chi̍h teh nā si-tòa. Góa ê sin-thé ke̍k-le̍k té-khòng, sui-bóng iáu ū khoài-lo̍k kì-tî ê chùn-tāng, khiok in-ūi i ê hoán-pōe teh kún-liòng. Góa kiò i ê miâ, m̄-koh i bô hoán-èng. Góa koh kiò chi̍t-pái, i kā góa lia̍h óa i, koh kè-sio̍k. Góa kō͘ chhiú āu-khiau kēng i ê pak-tó͘-piⁿ, i tio̍h-kiaⁿ, kā góa pàng-khui. Góa chē chiàⁿ, bīn tùi i. I khòaⁿ tio̍h gông-ngia̍h, siū tio̍h siong-hāi, ná chhiūⁿ goán-kiáⁿ tī góa iô té gîn-kak-á ê tâng-kóng-á hit-kái án-ne.

Góa hā koat-sim. Góa chhun-chhiú khì bong si-tòa. Góa khòaⁿ goán ang ê bīn, i ê io̍k-bōng ê khai-sí a̍h kiat-sok lóng tī hia khek kah bêng-bêng. I m̄-sī chi̍t-ê pháiⁿ-lâng, hut-jiân góa mā lí-kái, he tō sī góa thiàⁿ-sim ê kin-goân. I kin-pún m̄-sī siáⁿ pháiⁿ-lâng. M̄-koh...

-- Lí boeh tháu-khui si-tòa sī-m̄? Góa mn̄g i. Í-keng kòe chiah chē nî, lí iáu sī ài boeh án-ne chò?

I ê bīn chhiò hi-hi, koh lâi hèng chhih-chhih, i ê chhiú tī góa heng-khám loān bong, koh bong kàu góa ê ia̍h-á kat.

-- Sī, i kóng, sī.

-- Nā án-ne, góa kóng, chiàu lí ê ì-sù khì chò.

Kō͘ ē chhoah ê chéng-thâu-á, i tēⁿ chi̍t-thâu. Ia̍h-á kat bān-bān tháu-khui, tn̂g-tn̂g ê tòa-á in-ūi koàn-sèng koh kńg khí-lâi. Goán ang iⁿ-iⁿ ūⁿ-ūⁿ chhut-siaⁿ, m̄-koh góa jīn-ûi i bô chù-ì tio̍h chit-tiám. I se̍h chéng-thâu-á kòe chòe-āu ê oat-kak, jiân-āu kā giú. Si-tòa lak khui. I phiau lo̍h, koh tī góa ê kha kǹg khí-lâi, a̍h sī kóng, góa siūⁿ sī án-ne, in-ūi góa bô hoat-tō͘ àⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ i lak lo̍h.

Goán ang niàu ba̍k-bâi, jiân-āu i ê bīn chhut-hiān lēng-gōa chi̍t-chióng piáu-chêng -- pi-siong, a̍h sī thê-chá ê sit-lo̍h. Góa ê chhiú tī bīn-chêng hiù koân -- chi̍t-ê put-chū-kak ê tōng-chok, ūi-tio̍h pêng-hêng a̍h kî-thaⁿ bô-hāu ê sū-hāng -- án-ne liáu, góa tō bô khòaⁿ e i ê hêng-iáⁿ ah.

-- Góa ài lí, góa kā pó-chèng, pí lí só͘ siūⁿ ê khah chē.

-- M̄-thang, i kóng, m̄-koh góa m̄-chai i teh ìn siáⁿ.

Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, lí khó-lêng siūⁿ boeh chai, góa ê si-tòa pó-hō͘ ê hit-ê só͘-chāi sī-m̄-sī siàm hoeh koh ū khang-chhùi, a̍h sī chhiūⁿ pò͘-ang-á ê kha-thúi tiong-kan, kng-ku̍t koh sio-liâm. Khióng-kiaⁿ góa bē-tàng kā lí kóng, in-ūi góa mā m̄-chai. Ūi tio̍h chiah-ê būn-tê kap kî-thaⁿ būn-tê bô hoat-tō͘ kái-koat, góa chin pháiⁿ-sè.

Góa ê tiōng-sim kái-piàn ah, in-ūi án-ne, góa siū tio̍h ín-le̍k ê khiú-lia̍h. Goán ang ê bīn cháu khui, koh lâi góa khòaⁿ tio̍h thian-pông, kap góa āu-bīn ê piah. Tán góa tn̄g khì ê thâu ǹg ām-kún āu-bīn hiàⁿ koh liàn-lo̍h bîn-chhn̂g ê sî, góa kám-kak tio̍h m̄-bat ū kòe ê ko͘-toaⁿ.

[Soah]

- -

8. 蝶仔結慢慢敨開

有一个經典, 真正 ê 經典, 我猶未 kā 你講.

一个女朋友和男朋友去停車. 有人講 he 意思 tō 是 tī 車頂相唚, m̄-koh 我知這个故事. In 停車 tī 一个湖邊. In tī 車後座 chhia-péng, 袂輸世界得欲結束 ah. 凡勢真正是 án-ne. 她獻出 ka-tī, 伊 mā 無細膩 kā 接受, 代誌辦好勢了, in 捘 lajíoh 來聽.

Lajíoh 播送講, 一个瘋狂 ê 鐵勾手殺人犯已經 ùi 在地 ê 痟人病院逃走. 男朋友 ná ko̍k-ko̍k 笑 ná 換過音樂台. 歌唱了 ê 時, 女朋友聽著一个 ná 像 kō͘ 回紋針刮玻璃 ê 聲. 她掠男朋友看一下, tō 搝她 ê 羊毛衫崁無穿衫 ê 肩胛頭, koh kō͘ 一支手骨崁她 ê 兩粒奶.

-- 咱好來去 ah, 她講.

-- 慢且, 乖, 男朋友講, 咱 koh 來一遍.

-- 殺人犯若來 chia, 欲 án-nóa? chă 囡仔問. 痟人病院離 chia 真近.

-- 咱無代誌, 乖, 男朋友講. 你敢袂信任我?

女朋友 tìm 頭, 無真情願.

-- Án-ne tō 好, 伊講, he 拖長長 ê 聲她已經聽 kah 真慣勢 ah. 伊 kā 她 ê 手 ùi 胸前徙來 ka-tī ê 身軀. Án-ne 她總算 kā 目光 ùi 湖邊徙開.

外面, 月光反射閃爍 ê 鐵勾. 殺人犯向她擛手, 喙 gi-gi.

歹勢, 我已經袂記得這个故事 ê 其他部份 ah.

*

無阮囝 tī leh, 厝 nih 誠靜. 我行 tī 厝內, chia 摸 hia 摸. 我真歡喜, m̄-koh 心肝徙去一个生份 ê 新所在.

彼暗, 阮翁問我敢欲 kā chiah-ê 新 ê 空房辦洗禮. 自從阮囝未出世以來, 我 m̄-bat 有 chiah 激烈 ê 連結. 仆 tī 灶跤 ê 桌仔頂, 我 ê 體內點著一寡舊物, 我想起過去阮過癮 ê 方式, 阮 án-nóa tī 所有物件頂面留落阮 ê 愛. 我 17 歲彼年, tī 彼个宴會我會使拄著任何人 -- 閉思 ê 查埔囡仔 a̍h 粗魯 ê 查埔囡仔. 信教 ê 查埔囡仔將會 chhōa 我到遙遠 ê 國家, 去 hia ǹg hia ê 居民傳教. 我有可能經驗著算袂清 ê 悲傷 kap 不滿. M̄-koh, tī 地板上騎 tī 伊頂懸, 我知彼年我做 ê 是正確 ê 決定.

阮忝 kah 睏去, 赤身露體倒 tī 眠床. 等我醒來 ê 時, 阮翁 teh 唚我 ê 頷頸後陵, kō͘ 伊 ê 舌 teh 吶絲帶. 我 ê 身體極力抵抗, 雖罔猶有快樂記持 ê 顫動, 卻因為伊 ê 反背 teh 滾躘. 我叫伊 ê 名, m̄-koh 伊無反應. 我 koh 叫一擺, 伊 kā 我掠倚伊, koh 繼續. 我 kō͘ 手後曲 kēng 伊 ê 腹肚邊, 伊著驚, kā 我放開. 我坐正, 面對伊. 伊看著 gông-ngia̍h, 受著傷害, ná 像阮囝 tī 我搖貯銀角仔 ê 銅管仔彼改 án-ne.

我下決心. 我伸手去摸絲帶. 我看阮翁 ê 面, 伊 ê 慾望 ê 開始 a̍h 結束 lóng tī hia 刻 kah 明明. 伊毋是一个歹人, 忽然我 mā 理解, 彼 tō 是我疼心 ê 根源. 伊根本毋是啥歹人. M̄-koh...

-- 你欲敨開絲帶是毋? 我問伊. 已經過 chiah 濟年, 你猶是愛欲 án-ne 做?

伊 ê 面笑 hi-hi, koh 來興 chhih-chhih, 伊 ê 手 tī 我胸坎亂摸, koh 摸到我 ê 蝶仔結.

-- 是, 伊講, 是.

-- 若 án-ne, 我講, 照你 ê 意思去做.

Kō͘ 會掣 ê 指頭仔, 伊捏一頭. 蝶仔結慢慢敨開, 長長 ê 帶仔因為慣性 koh 卷起來. 阮翁 iⁿ-iⁿ ūⁿ-ūⁿ 出聲, m̄-koh 我認為伊無注意著這點. 伊踅指頭仔過最後 ê 斡角, 然後 kā 搝. 絲帶 lak 開. 伊飄落, koh tī 我 ê 跤卷起來, a̍h 是講, 我想是 án-ne, 因為我無法度 àⁿ 頭看伊 lak 落.

阮翁 niàu 目眉, 然後伊 ê 面出現另外一種表情 -- 悲傷, a̍h 是提早 ê 失落. 我 ê 手 tī 面前 hiù 懸 -- 一个不自覺 ê 動作, 為著平衡 a̍h 其他無效 ê 事項 -- án-ne 了, 我 tō 無看 e 伊 ê 形影 ah.

-- 我愛你, 我 kā 保證, 比你所想 ê 較濟.

-- 毋通, 伊講, m̄-koh 我毋知伊 teh 應啥.

你若大聲讀這个故事, 你可能想欲知, 我 ê 絲帶保護 ê 彼个所在是毋是滲血 koh 有空喙, a̍h 是像布尪仔 ê 跤腿中間, 光滑 koh 相黏. 恐驚我袂當 kā 你講, 因為我 mā 毋知. 為著 chiah-ê 問題 kap 其他問題無法度解決, 我真歹勢.

我 ê 重心改變 ah, 因為 án-ne, 我受著引力 ê 搝掠. 阮翁 ê 面走開, koh 來我看著天篷, kap 我後面 ê 壁. 等我斷去 ê 頭 ǹg 頷頸後面 hiàⁿ koh 輾落眠床 ê 時, 我感覺著 m̄-bat 有過 ê 孤單.

[煞]

- -

8.

There’s a classic, a real classic, that I haven’t told you yet.

A girlfriend and a boyfriend went parking. Some people say that means kissing in a car, but I know the story. I was there. They were parked on the edge of a lake. They were turning around in the back seat as if the world was moments from ending. Maybe it was. She offered herself and he took it, and after it was over, they turned on the radio.

The voice on the radio announced that a mad, hook-handed murderer had escaped from a local insane asylum. The boyfriend chuckled as he flipped to a music station. As the song ended, the girlfriend heard a thin scratching sound, like a paperclip over glass. She looked at her boyfriend and then pulled her cardigan over her bare shoulders, wrapping one arm around her breasts.

– We should go, she said.

– No, baby, the boyfriend said. Let’s go again.

– What if the killer comes here? The girl asked. The insane asylum is very close.

– We’ll be fine, baby, the boyfriend said. Don’t you trust me?

The girlfriend nodded reluctantly.

– Well then, he said, his voice trailing off in that way she would come to know so well. He took her hand off her chest and placed it onto himself. She finally looked away from the lakeside.

Outside, the moonlight glinted off the shiny steel hook. The killer waved at her, grinning.

I’m sorry. I’ve forgotten the rest of the story.

*

The house is so silent without our son. I walk through it, touching all the surfaces. I am happy but something inside of me is shifting into a strange new place.

That night, my husband asks if I wish to christen the newly empty rooms. We have not coupled so fiercely since before our son was born. Bent over the kitchen table, something old is lit within me, and I remember the way we had desired before, how we had left love streaked on all of the surfaces. I could have met anyone at that party when I was seventeen – prudish boys or violent boys. Religious boys who would have made me move to some distant country to convert its denizens. I could have experienced untold numbers of sorrows or dissatisfactions. But as I straddle him on the floor, riding him and crying out, I know that I made the right choice.

We fall asleep exhausted, sprawled naked in our bed. When I wake up, my husband is kissing the back of my neck, probing the ribbon with his tongue. My body rebels wildly, still throbbing with the memories of pleasure but bucking hard against betrayal. I say his name, and he does not respond. I say it again, and he holds me against him and continues. I wedge my elbows in his side, and when he loosens from me in surprise, I sit up and face him. He looks confused and hurt, like my son the day I shook the can of pennies.

Resolve runs out of me. I touch the ribbon. I look at the face of my husband, the beginning and end of his desires all etched there. He is not a bad man, and that, I realize suddenly, is the root of my hurt. He is not a bad man at all. And yet –

– Do you want to untie the ribbon? I ask him. After these many years, is that what you want of me?

His face flashes gaily, and then greedily, and he runs his hand up my bare breast and to my bow.

– Yes, he says. Yes.

– Then, I say, do what you want.

With trembling fingers, he takes one of the ends. The bow undoes, slowly, the long-bound ends crimped with habit. My husband groans, but I do not think he realizes it. He loops his finger through the final twist and pulls. The ribbon falls away. It floats down and curls at my feet, or so I imagine, because I cannot look down to follow its descent.

My husband frowns, and then his face begins to open with some other expression – sorrow, or maybe pre-emptive loss. My hand flies up in front of me – an involuntary motion, for balance or some other futility – and beyond it his image is gone.

– I love you, I assure him, more than you can possibly know.

– No, he says, but I don’t know to what he’s responding.

If you are reading this story out loud, you may be wondering if that place my ribbon protected was wet with blood and openings, or smooth and neutered like the nexus between the legs of a doll. I’m afraid I can’t tell you, because I don’t know. For these questions and others, and their lack of resolution, I am sorry.

My weight shifts, and with it, gravity seizes me. My husband’s face falls away, and then I see the ceiling, and the wall behind me. As my lopped head tips backwards off my neck and rolls off the bed, I feel as lonely as I have ever been.

 - -

7. 我 kā 伊講較接近事實 ê 故事

7. Góa kā kóng khah chiap-kīn sū-si̍t ê kò͘-sū

Ū chi̍t-ê góa kah-ì ê kò͘-sū, sī iú-koan chi̍t-ê lāu hū-jîn kap yin ang -- chi̍t-ê ná pài-it hiah khek-po̍k ê cha-po͘, pháiⁿ sèng-tē koh gâu pìⁿ-koài, hō͘ yi sim tám-tám. yi chí ē-tàng kō͘ chú-chia̍h ê chhiú-gē lâi boán-chiok i, i mā chia̍h kah chiâⁿ móa-ì. Chi̍t-kang, i bé chi̍t-hù pûi-pûi ê koaⁿ hō͘ yi chú, yi kō͘ io̍h-chháu kap bah-thng loeh kā kûn. M̄-koh, hit-ê chhiú-gē chú chhut-lâi ê hó khì-bī hō͘ yi ka-tī tio̍h-bê, chip nn̄g-chhùi liáu koh khè nn̄g-chhùi, chin kín kui-ê koaⁿ chia̍h liáu-liáu. Yi bô chîⁿ thang koh bé chi̍t-hù koaⁿ, yi koh kiaⁿ yin ang chai-iaⁿ koaⁿ í-keng bô ah ê hoán-èng. Só͘-í yi sô khì keh-piah ê kàu-tn̂g, tī hia chòe-kīn ū an-hioh chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘. Yi sô óa hit-ê khàm pò͘ ê sin-si, kō͘ tû-pâng ka-to chián khui sí-thé, thau koaⁿ-chōng.

Hit-àm, hit-ê hū-jîn yin ang ná kō͘ chhan-kin chhit chhùi, ná o-ló kóng, che sī i só͘ chia̍h kòe siōng hó-chia̍h ê chi̍t-tǹg. In khì khùn liáu, lāu hū-jîn thiaⁿ tio̍h chêng-mn̂g phah-khui, chi̍t-ê khin-khin ê siaⁿ sì-kè teh hiⁿ. Siáng the̍h góa ê koaⁿ? Siáng the̍h góa ê koaⁿ...?

Lāu hū-jîn thiaⁿ he siaⁿ lī khùn-pâng lú lâi lú kīn. Sssiú chi̍t-siaⁿ, mn̂g phah khui. Sí khì ê cha-bó͘ koh-chài mn̄g.

Lāu hū-jîn hian-khui yin ang ê thán-á.

-- Sī i the̍h khì! Yi án-ne sèng-lī soan-pò͘.

Jiân-āu, yi khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê sí cha-bó͘ ê bīn, ē-jīn-tit he sī yi ka-tī ê chhùi kap ba̍k-chiu. Yi koh áⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ ka-tī ê pak-tó͘, taⁿ, ē-kì-tit, yi koah ka-tī ê pak-tó͘ ê tāi-chì. He hoeh ná teh tin lo̍h chhn̂g-thiap ê sî, yin ang tī yi piⁿ-á iáu khùn kah kōⁿ-kōⁿ kiò.

Che khó-lêng m̄-sī lí só͘ se̍k-sāi ê kò͘-sū ê pán-pún. M̄-koh, góa kā lí pó-chèng, che tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī lí su-iàu chai ê kò͘-sū.

*

Halowin (Kúi-á Cheh) hit-kang, goán ang chhut-kî ê hèng chhih-chhih. Goán kiáⁿ í-keng tōa kah ē-sái kiâⁿ-lō͘, chah chi̍t-ê nâ-á khì thó thn̂g-á. Góa kō͘ goán ang ê kū la̍h-chong kái chò chi̍t-niá gōa-thò hō͘ goán kiáⁿ chhēng, kā i táⁿ-pān chò chi̍t-ê sió kàu-siū a̍h sī siáⁿ kó͘-pán ha̍k-chiá. Goán ang sīm-chì hō͘ i chi̍t-ki hun-chhoe thang kā. Goán kiáⁿ chhùi-khí kā hun-chhoe ê khoán, khòaⁿ tio̍h chiok ū tōa-lâng pān.

-- Mă, goán kiáⁿ kóng, lí sī siáⁿ-mi̍h?

Góa bô táⁿ-pān, só͘-í góa kā kóng, góa sī lín Mama.

Hun-chhoe ùi i ê sió chhùi lak lo̍h thô͘-kha, i tōa siaⁿ khàu. Goán ang chông khì kā phō khí-lâi, sè-siaⁿ kā ko͘-chiâⁿ, tī i chheh-khùi tiong-kan tiu-tiu kiò i ê miâ.

Tán i chhoán-khùi hôe-ho̍k chèng-siông, góa chiah hoat-hiān góa ê m̄-tio̍h. I iáu siuⁿ sè, bô hoat-tō͘ lí-kái thó boeh sńg kó͘ ê chă gín-á ê kò͘-sū, hiah-ê chă gín-á lô kah yin lāu-bú cháu khì, ōaⁿ lâi chi̍t-ê āu-bú -- chi̍t-ê tàu po-lê ba̍k-chiu kap tàu sàu-se bóe ê cha-bó͘. M̄-koh góa bô-ì-tiong kā i kóng pa̍t-ê kò͘-sū -- chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ gín-á tī Halowin hit-kang, ta̍k-ê lóng kòa bīn-khak, i chiah hoat-hiān in lāu-bú m̄-sī i ê lāu-bú. Hiō-hóe hō͘ góa nâ-âu sio koh tīⁿ. Góa chhì boeh phō i, chim i, m̄-koh i kan-ta siūⁿ boeh chhut-khì ke-lō͘, gōa-kháu í-keng ji̍t lo̍h, o͘-iáⁿ chhiong-móa hân-léng.

Tńg chhù ê sî, i teh chhiò, ngauh chi̍t-tè thn̂g-á, ní kah chhùi piàn lí-á sek. Góa khì goán ang. Góa hi-bāng tio̍h tán tńg kàu chhù chiah chún i chia̍h tit-tio̍h ê mi̍h. I kám m̄-bat thiaⁿ kòe hiah-ê kò͘-sū? Chokolet nih ê chiam, língò nih ê to-phìⁿ? Góa kiám-cha goán kiáⁿ ê chhùi, m̄-koh bô kim-sio̍k chhah tī i ê téng-kiuⁿ (頂顎, palate). I ná chhiò ná se̍h chhù-lāi, hō͘ thn̂g-á thiòng kah má-se má-se. I mo͘h góa ê kha-thúi, í-keng bē-kì-tit chá-chêng ê tāi-chì. Jiâu-sià ê chu-bī khah tiⁿ jīm-hô mn̂g-kháu ê thn̂g-á. I peh lâi góa ê kha-thúi téng ê sî, góa ūi i chhiùⁿ-koa, it-ti̍t kàu i khùn khì.

*

Goán kiáⁿ 8 hòe, 10 hòe. Thâu-khí-seng, góa kā i kóng gín-á-kó͘ -- kó͘-chá kó͘-chá ê kò͘-sū, thòng-khó͘, sí-bông, kiông-pek ê hun-in, ná chhiūⁿ ta-hio̍h án-ne chi̍t-hio̍h chi̍t-hio̍h lut. Bí-jîn-hî seⁿ kha, kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ sī chhiò-khoe. Gia̍t-thiok ti-á cháu lī tōa iàn-hōe, kái-kò chū-sin, bô hông chia̍h khì. Siâ-ok ê ang-î lī-khui siâⁿ-pó, poaⁿ khì tòa sió chhâ-chhù, tī hia khò ōe lîm-tē tōng-bu̍t ê ōe-siōng kòe-ji̍t.

M̄-koh, i teh tōa-hàn, i khai-sí mn̄g būn-tê. In hiah iau, hiah siâ-ok, in ná m̄ chia̍h hit-chiah ti-á? Ang-î chò kòe hiah chē pháiⁿ tāi-chì, lâng ná ē pàng i cháu? Hō͘ ka-to ka tio̍h chhiú liáu-āu, i koh khah hoán-tùi hî-kî liah chò kha ê kám-kak bē an-nóa thòng-khó͘.

-- Án-ne chin ó, i kóng, i iáu bô hoat-tō͘ hoat ‘hó’ ê im.

Góa tông-ì i ê koan-tiám. Án-ne hó. Koh lâi, góa tō kā i kóng khah chiap-kīn sū-si̍t ê kò͘-sū: gín-á tī bó͘ chi̍t-tōaⁿ thih-ki-lō͘ sit-chong, hō͘ m̄-chai óng tó-ūi ê iu-lêng hóe-chhia siaⁿ siâⁿ khì; bó͘-lâng boeh sí chêng saⁿ kang, chi̍t-chiah kàu chhut-hiān tī i ê mn̂g-kháu; Saⁿ-chiah kap-á tī làm-tē kā li pek kàu chi̍t-ê kak-lo̍h, kā lí khioh chîⁿ sǹg-miā.

Ha̍k-hāu kí-pān chi̍t-tiûⁿ "Khàu-thòa Sió-kiáⁿ" ê piáu-ián, i sī chú-kak, sī hit-ê khàu-tòa sió-kiáⁿ, iá góa chham-ka chi̍t-ê bú-chhin-hōe, ūi chiah-ê gín-á chò hì-ho̍k. Góa sī chit-tīn cha-bó͘-lâng tiong-kan ê chhōa-thâu ho̍k-chong-su, góa ūi hoa-tông thīⁿ si-á hoe-pān, ūi hái-chha̍t chò sè-niá pe̍h tn̂g-khò͘. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê lāu-bú ê chéng-thâu-á ū chhián-n̂g ê si-tòa, he chhiâng-chāi tîⁿ tio̍h sòaⁿ. Yi kàn-kiāu koh hiu-kiò. Chi̍t-kang, góa tio̍h kō͘ châi-hông chián-á khì ngiáu sio-tîⁿ ê sòaⁿ. Góa chin sió-sim. Góa kā yi ùi bó͘-tan tháu-khui ê sî, yi iô-thâu.

-- Chóng-sī chiâⁿ hùi-khì, kám m̄-sī? yi kóng.

Góa tìm thâu. Gín-á tī thang-á gōa sńg -- sak tùi-hong ùi hāu-tiâⁿ siat-pī lo̍h-lâi, that lo̍h sió-kim-eng (dandelion) ê hoe-thâu. Hì-kio̍k chìn-hêng kah chin sūn-lī. Khai-ián hit-àm, goán kiáⁿ ê to̍k-kak-hì kng koh jia̍t. Siaⁿ-tiāu kap chiat-chàu lóng tú-tú hó. M̄-bat ū-lâng ián kah hiah hó.

Goán kiáⁿ kin-nî 12 hòe. I ti̍t-tú-ti̍t mn̄g góa si-tòa ê tāi-chì. Góa kā i kóng, lán lâng lóng bô sio-kāng, ū-sî lí bē-sái mn̄g būn-tê. Góa kā kóng, tán lí tōa-hàn tō ē bêng-pe̍k. Góa kō͘ bô si-tòa ê kò͘-sū lâi hun-sòaⁿ i ê chù-ì: siūⁿ boeh chiâⁿ-chò lâng ê thiⁿ-sài, m̄-chai ka-tī í-keng sí ê kúi, piàn-chò hóe-hu ê gín-á. I ê sin-khu í-keng bô gín-á bī -- tiⁿ-leng ê bī í-keng ōaⁿ-chò chhak-phīⁿ koh hóe-sio bī, ná thâu-chang tī lô͘-á téng chir-chir chhut-siaⁿ.

Goán kiáⁿ 13 hòe, 14 hòe. Khì ha̍k-hāu ê lō͘-téng, i tán chi̍t-ê kiâⁿ-lō͘ pí pa̍t-lâng khah bān ê chhù-piⁿ cha-po͘ gín-á. I piáu-hiān chhut bî-miāu ê tông-chêng-sim, goán kiáⁿ. Bô chân-jím ê pún-sèng, chhin-chhiūⁿ ū-kóa lâng ū.

-- Sè-kài ū siuⁿ chē ok-pà, góa it-chài án-ne kā kóng.

Kin-nî i bô koh thó boeh thiaⁿ kò͘-sū.

Goán kiáⁿ 15 hòe, 16 hòe, 17 hòe. I khai-sí tui-kiû i ko-tiong ê chi̍t-ê súi chă gín-á, yi ê chhiò-iông chhàn-lān, sèng-chêng un-loán. Góa chin hoaⁿ-hí kap yi sio-kìⁿ, m̄-koh, siūⁿ-tio̍h góa ka-tī ê chheng-chhun sî, góa bē kian-chhî goán tio̍h tán kàu in tńg-lâi.

Goán kiáⁿ kă kóng i í-keng tit-tio̍h chi̍t-keng tāi-ha̍k lo̍k-chhú tha̍k kang-têng-ha̍k ê sî, góa thiòng kah bô-tè-kóng. Goán tī chhù nih chàm kha-pō͘, ná chhiùⁿ-koa ná chhiò. Tán goán ang tńg-lâi ê sî, i mā chham-ka khèng-chiok, goán sái-chhia khì chāi-tē ê chi̍t-keng hái-sán chhan-thiaⁿ. Ná chia̍h píⁿ-hî (halibut) ê sî, in lāu-pē kā kóng, goán lóng ūi lí kám-kak kiau-ngō͘. Goán kiáⁿ chhiò-chhiò, kóng i mā hi-bāng kap in lú-pêng-iú kiat-hun. Goán siang-chhiú sio-tēⁿ, kám-kak koh khah hoaⁿ-hí. Chiah koai ê hāu-seⁿ. Chiah ta̍t-tit kî-thāi ê bí-hó seng-oa̍h.

Sīm-chì siōng hēng-ūn ê cha-bó͘ mā m̄-bat tú-tio̍h chit-chióng hí-lo̍k.

*

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7. 我 kā 伊講較接近事實 ê 故事

有一个我佮意 ê 故事, 是有關一个老婦人 kap 姻翁 -- 一个 ná 拜一 hiah 刻薄 ê 查埔, 歹性地 koh gâu pìⁿ 怪, 予她心膽膽. 她只會當 kō͘ 煮食 ê 手藝來滿足伊, 伊 mā 食 kah 誠滿意. 一工, 伊買一付肥肥 ê 肝予她煮, 她 kō͘ 藥草 kap 肉湯 loeh kā kûn. M̄-koh, 彼个手藝煮出來 ê 好氣味予她 ka-tī 著迷, chip 兩喙了 koh 齧兩喙, 真緊規个肝食了了. 她無錢通 koh 買一付肝, 她 koh 驚姻翁知影肝已經無 ah ê 反應. 所以她趖去隔壁 ê 教堂, tī hia 最近有安歇一个查某. 她趖倚彼个崁布 ê 身屍, kō͘ 廚房鉸刀剪開死體, 偷肝臟.

彼暗, 彼个婦人姻翁 ná kō͘ 餐巾拭喙, ná o-ló 講, 這是伊所食過上好食 ê 一頓. In 去睏了, 老婦人聽著前門拍開, 一个輕輕 ê 聲四界 teh hiⁿ. Siáng 提我 ê 肝? Siáng 提我 ê 肝...?

老婦人聽 he 聲離睏房 lú 來 lú 近. Sssiú 一聲, 門拍開. 死去 ê 查某 koh 再問.

老婦人掀開姻翁 ê 毯仔.

-- 是伊提去! 她 án-ne 勝利宣布.

然後, 她看著彼个死查某 ê 面, 會認得彼是她 ka-tī ê 喙 kap 目睭. 她 koh áⁿ 頭看 ka-tī ê 腹肚, 今, 會記得, 她割 ka-tī ê 腹肚 ê 代誌. 彼血 ná teh 津落床疊 ê 時, 姻翁 tī 她邊仔猶睏 kah kōⁿ-kōⁿ 叫.

這可能毋是你所熟似 ê 故事 ê 版本. M̄-koh, 我 kā 你保證, 這定著是你需要知 ê 故事.

*

Halowin (鬼仔節) 彼工, 阮翁出奇 ê 興 chhih-chhih. 阮囝已經大 kah 會使行路, 扎一个籃仔去討糖仔. 我 kō͘ 阮翁 ê 舊獵裝改做一領外套予阮囝穿, kā 伊打扮做一个小教授 a̍h 是啥古板學者. 阮翁甚至予伊一支薰吹通咬. 阮囝喙齒咬薰吹 ê 款, 看著足有大人 pān.

-- Mă, 阮囝講, 你是啥物?

我無打扮, 所以我 kā 講, 我是恁 Mama.

薰吹 ùi 伊 ê 小喙 lak 落塗跤, 伊大聲哭. 阮翁傱去 kā 抱起來, 細聲 kā 姑情, tī 伊 chheh 氣中間 tiu-tiu 叫伊 ê 名.

等伊喘氣回復正常, 我才發現我 ê 毋著. 伊猶 siuⁿ 細, 無法度理解討欲耍鼓 ê chă 囡仔 ê 故事, hiah-ê chă 囡仔 lô kah 姻老母走去, 換來一个後母 -- 一个鬥玻璃目睭 kap 鬥掃梳尾 ê 查某. M̄-koh 我無意中 kā 伊講別个故事 -- 一个查埔囡仔 tī Halowin 彼工, 逐个 lóng 掛面殼, 伊才發現 in 老母毋是伊 ê 老母. 後悔予我嚨喉燒 koh 滇. 我試欲抱伊, 唚伊, m̄-koh 伊干焦想欲出去街路, 外口已經日落, 烏影充滿寒冷.

轉厝 ê 時, 伊 teh 笑, ngauh 一塊糖仔, 染 kah 喙變李仔色. 我氣阮翁. 我希望著等轉到厝才准伊食得著 ê 物. 伊敢 m̄-bat 聽過 hiah-ê 故事? Chokolet nih ê 針, língò nih ê 刀片? 我檢查阮囝 ê 喙, m̄-koh 無金屬插 tī 伊 ê téng-kiuⁿ (頂顎, palate). 伊 ná 笑 ná 踅厝內, 予糖仔暢 kah má-se má-se. 伊 mo͘h 我 ê 跤腿, 已經袂記得早前 ê 代誌. 饒赦 ê 滋味較甜任何門口 ê 糖仔. 伊 peh 來我 ê 跤腿頂 ê 時, 我為伊唱歌, 一直到伊睏去.

*

阮囝 8 歲, 10 歲. 頭起先, 我 kā 伊講囡仔古 -- 古早古早 ê 故事, 痛苦, 死亡, 強迫 ê 婚姻, ná 像焦葉 án-ne 一葉一葉 lut. 美人魚生跤, 感覺 ná 像是笑詼. Gia̍t-thiok 豬仔走離大宴會, 改過自新, 無 hông 食去. 邪惡 ê 尪姨離開城堡, 搬去蹛小柴厝, tī hia 靠畫林地動物 ê 畫像過日.

M̄-koh, 伊 teh 大漢, 伊開始問問題. In hiah 枵, hiah 邪惡, in 那毋食彼隻豬仔? 尪姨做過 hiah 濟歹代誌, 人那會放伊走? 予鉸刀鉸著手了後, 伊 koh 較反對魚鰭裂做跤 ê 感覺袂 an-nóa 痛苦.

-- Án-ne 真 ó, 伊講, 伊猶無法度發 ‘hó’ ê 音.

我同意伊 ê 觀點. Án-ne 好. Koh 來, 我 tō kā 伊講較接近事實 ê 故事: 囡仔 tī 某一段鐵支路失蹤, 予毋知往佗位 ê 幽靈火車聲唌去; 某人欲死前三工, 一隻狗出現 tī 伊 ê 門口; 三隻蛤仔 tī 湳地 kā 你迫到一个角落, kā 你抾錢算命.

學校舉辦一場 "扣帶小囝" ê 表演, 伊是主角, 是彼个扣帶小囝, iá 我參加一个母親會, 為 chiah-ê 囡仔做戲服. 我是這陣查某人中間 ê chhōa 頭服裝師, 我為花童紩絲仔花瓣, 為海賊做細領白長褲. 其中一个老母 ê 指頭仔有淺黃 ê 絲帶, 彼常在纏著線. 她 kàn-kiāu koh 咻叫. 一工, 我著 kō͘ 裁縫剪仔去 ngiáu 相纏 ê 線. 我真小心. 我 kā 她 ùi 牡丹敨開 ê 時, 她搖頭.

-- 總是誠費氣, 敢毋是? 她講.

我 tìm 頭. 囡仔 tī 窗仔外耍 -- 捒對方 ùi 校庭設備落來, 踢落小金英 (dandelion) ê 花頭. 戲劇進行 kah 真順利. 開演彼暗, 阮囝 ê 獨角戲光 koh 熱. 聲調 kap 節奏 lóng 拄拄好. M̄-bat 有人演 kah hiah 好.

阮囝今年 12 歲. 伊直拄直問我絲帶 ê 代誌. 我 kā 伊講, 咱人 lóng 無相仝, 有時你袂使問問題. 我 kā 講, 等你大漢 tō 會明白. 我 kō͘ 無絲帶 ê 故事來分散伊 ê 注意: 想欲成做人 ê 天使, 毋知 ka-tī 已經死 ê 鬼, 變做火烌 ê 囡仔. 伊 ê 身軀已經無囡仔味 -- 甜奶 ê 味已經換做鑿鼻 koh 火燒味, ná 頭鬃 tī 爐仔頂 chir-chir 出聲.

阮囝 13 歲, 14 歲. 去學校 ê 路頂, 伊等一个行路比別人較慢 ê 厝邊查埔囡仔. 伊表現出微妙 ê 同情心, 阮囝. 無殘忍 ê 本性, 親像有寡人有.

-- 世界有 siuⁿ 濟惡霸, 我一再 án-ne kā 講.

今年伊無 koh 討欲聽故事.

阮囝 15 歲, 16 歲, 17 歲. 伊開始追求伊高中 ê 一个媠 chă 囡仔, 她 ê 笑容燦爛, 性情溫暖. 我真歡喜 kap 她相見, m̄-koh, 想著我 ka-tī ê 青春時, 我袂堅持阮著等到 in 轉來.

阮囝 kă 講伊已經得著一間大學錄取讀工程學 ê 時, 我暢 kah 無地講. 阮 tī 厝 nih 蹔跤步, ná 唱歌 ná 笑. 等阮翁轉來 ê 時, 伊 mā 參加慶祝, 阮駛車去在地 ê 一間海產餐廳. Ná 食扁魚 (halibut) ê 時, in 老爸 kā 講, 阮 lóng 為你感覺驕傲. 阮囝笑笑, 講伊 mā 希望 kap in 女朋友結婚. 阮雙手相捏, 感覺 koh 較歡喜. Chiah 乖 ê 後生. Chiah 值得期待 ê 美好生活.

甚至上幸運 ê 查某 mā m̄-bat 拄著這種喜樂.

*

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7.

One of my favourite stories is about an old woman and her husband – a man mean as Mondays, who scared her with the violence of his temper and the shifting nature of his whims. She was only able to keep him satisfied with her unparalleled cooking, to which he was a complete captive. One day, he bought her a fat liver to cook for him, and she did, using herbs and broth. But the smell of her own artistry overtook her, and a few nibbles became a few bites, and soon the liver was gone. She had no money with which to purchase a second one, and she was terrified of her husband’s reaction should he discover that his meal was gone. So she crept to the church next door, where a woman had been recently laid to rest. She approached the shrouded figure, then cut into it with a pair of kitchen shears and stole the liver from her corpse.

That night, the woman’s husband dabbed his lips with a napkin and declared the meal the finest he’d ever eaten. When they went to sleep, the old woman heard the front door open, and a thin wail wafted through the rooms. Who has my liver? Whooooo has my liver?

The old woman could hear the voice coming closer and closer to the bedroom. There was a hush as the door swung open. The dead woman posed her query again.

The old woman flung the blanket off her husband.

– He has it! She declared triumphantly.

Then she saw the face of the dead woman, and recognized her own mouth and eyes. She looked down at her abdomen, remembering, now, how she carved into her own belly. Next to her, as the blood seeped into the very heart of the mattress, her husband slumbered on.

That may not be the version of the story you’re familiar with. But I assure you, it’s the one you need to know.

*

My husband is strangely excited for Halloween. Our son is old enough that he can walk and carry a basket for treats. I take one of my husband’s old tweed coats and fashion one for our son, so that he might be a tiny professor, or some other stuffy academic. My husband even gives him a pipe on which to gnaw. Our son clicks it between his teeth in a way I find unsettlingly adult.

– Mama, my son says, what are you?

I am not in costume, so I tell him I am his mother.

The pipe falls from his little mouth onto the floor, and he screams. My husband swoops in and picks him up, talking to him in a low voice, repeating his name between his sobs.

It is only as his breathing returns to normal that I am able to identify my mistake. He is not old enough to know the story of the naughty girls who wanted the toy drum, and were wicked toward their mother until she went away and was replaced with a new mother – one with glass eyes and thumping wooden tail. But I have inadvertently told him another one – the story of the little boy who only discovered on Halloween that his mother was not his mother, except on the day when everyone wore a mask. Regret sluices hot up my throat. I try to hold him and kiss him, but he only wishes to go out onto the street, where the sun has dipped below the horizon and a hazy chill is bruising the shadows.

He comes home laughing, gnawing on a piece of candy that has turned his mouth the color of a plum. I am angry at my husband. I wish he had waited to come home before permitting the consumption of the cache. Has he never heard the stories? The pins pressed into the chocolates, the razor blades sunk in the apples? I examine my son’s mouth, but there is no sharp metal plunged into his palate. He laughs and spins around the house, dizzy and electrified from the treats and excitement. He wraps his arms around my legs, the earlier incident forgotten. The forgiveness tastes sweeter than any candy that can be given at any door. When he climbs into my lap, I sing to him until he falls asleep.

*

Our son is eight, ten. First, I tell him fairy tales – the very oldest ones, with the pain and death and forced marriage pared away like dead foliage. Mermaids grow feet and it feels like laughter. Naughty pigs trot away from grand feasts, reformed and uneaten. Evil witches leave the castle and move into small cottages and live out their days painting portraits of woodland creatures.

As he grows, though, he asks questions. Why would they not eat the pig, hungry as they were and wicked as he had been? Why was the witch permitted to go free after her terrible deeds? And the sensation of fins splitting to feet being anything less than agonizing he rejects outright after cutting his hand with a pair of scissors.

– It would huight, he says, for he is struggling with his r’s.

I agree with him. It would. So then I tell him stories closer to true: children who go missing along a particular stretch of railroad track, lured by the sound of a phantom train to parts unknown; a black dog that appears at a person’s doorstep three days before their passing; a trio of frogs that corner you in the marshlands and tell your fortune for a price.

The school puts on a performance of Little Buckle Boy, and he is the lead, the buckle boy, and I join a committee of mothers making costumes for the children. I am lead costume maker in a room full of women, all of us sewing together little silk petals for the flower children and making tiny white pantaloons for the pirates. One of the mothers has a pale yellow ribbon on her finger, and it constantly tangles in her thread. She swears and cries. One day I have to use the sewing shears to pick at the offending threads. I try to be delicate. She shakes her head as I free her from the peony.

– It’s such a bother, isn’t it? she says.

I nod. Outside the window, the children play – knocking each other off the playground equipment, popping the heads off dandelions. The play goes beautifully. Opening night, our son blazes through his monologue. Perfect pitch and cadence. No one has ever done better.

Our son is twelve. He asks me about the ribbon, point-blank. I tell him that we are all different, and sometimes you should not ask questions. I assure him that he’ll understand when he is grown. I distract him with stories that have no ribbons: angels who desire to be human and ghosts who don’t realize they’re dead and children who turn to ash. He stops smelling like a child – milky sweetness replaced with something sharp and burning, like a hair sizzling on the stove.

Our son is thirteen, fourteen. He waits for the neighbour boy on his way to school, who walks more slowly than the others. He exhibits the subtlest compassion, my son. No instinct for cruelty, like some.

– The world has enough bullies, I’ve told him over and over.

This is the year he stops asking for my stories.

Our son is fifteen, sixteen, seventeen. He begins to court a beautiful girl from his high school, who has a bright smile and a warm presence. I am happy to meet her, but never insist that we should wait up for their return, remembering my own youth.

When he tells us that he has been accepted at a university to study engineering, I am overjoyed. We march through the house, singing songs and laughing. When my husband comes home, he joins in the jubilee, and we drive to a local seafood restaurant. Over halibut, his father tells him, we are so proud of you. Our son laughs and says that he also wishes to marry his girl. We clasp hands and are even happier. Such a good boy. Such a wonderful life to look forward to.

Even the luckiest woman alive has not seen joy like this.

*

- -

6. 我報名參加女子才藝班

6. Góa pò-miâ chham-ka châi-gē pan

Goán kiáⁿ 5 hòe ji̍p-o̍h, góa ē-kì-tit in lāu-su, hit-kang tī thêng-chhia-tiûⁿ, yi khû lo̍h-lâi pang-bâng góa.Yi mā ē-kì-tit góa. Góa kā yi kóng, goán kiáⁿ liáu-āu, goán bô kî-thaⁿ ê gín-á, iá taⁿ i í-keng khai-sí ji̍p-o̍h, góa ê ji̍t-chí tō piàn-chò lán-si koh bô-liâu. Yi chin chhin-chhiat. Yi kă kóng, góa nā boeh chhōe seng-oa̍h ê gī-niū, chāi-tē ê ha̍k-īⁿ ū chi̍t-ê chin hó ê lú-chú châi-gē pan.

Hit-àm, tī goán kiáⁿ chiūⁿ-chhn̂g liáu-āu, goán ang kā chhiú chhun-kòe phòng-í, liu kàu góa ê tōa-thúi.

-- Kòe lâi góa chia, i kóng, góa tō thiòng kah gì-gì chun. Góa ùi phòng-í liu lo̍h-lâi, kā kûn póe pêⁿ-pêⁿ súi-súi, kō͘ kha-thâu-u kiâⁿ kàu i hia. Góa chim i ê kha-thúi, chhiú chhun kàu i ê phôe-tòa, kā i tháu-pàng, jiân-āu kui-ki kā kâm lo̍h. I ê chhiú loa̍h góa ê thâu-mo͘, ná phok góa ê thâu-khak, ná haiⁿ siaⁿ ná kēng óa góa. Góa bô ì-sek tio̍h i ê chhiú liu kàu góa ê ām-kún āu-niā, it-ti̍t kàu i ê chéng-thâu-á boeh kau ji̍p góa ê si-tòa. Góa suh chi̍t-ē tōa khùi, kín-kín thiu cháu, ná tò-siàng-hiàⁿ ná hiong-kông kiám-cha góa ê ia̍h-á kat. I iáu sī chē tī hia, kô͘ móa góa ê chhùi-nōa.

-- Tńg-lâi chia, i kóng.

--  M̄, góa kóng.

I khiā khí-lâi, kiu-ji̍p khò͘ nih, kā thoah-liān giú hó.

-- Chi̍t-ê hū-jîn-lâng, i kóng, bē sái tùi yin ang ū pì-bi̍t.

-- Góa bô siáⁿ pì-bi̍t, góa kā kóng.

-- Si-tòa.

-- Si-tòa m̄-sī pì-bi̍t, he sī góa ê.

-- Lí kám seⁿ lâi tō ū he? Sī án-nóa sī lí ê nâ-âu? Sī án-nóa sī le̍k-sek ê?

Góa bô ìn.

I tiām-tiām chin kú. Jiân-āu,

-- Chò lâng ê bó͘ bē-sái ū pì-bi̍t.

Góa ê phīⁿ khí sio. Góa jím m̄ khàu.

-- Góa í-keng hō͘ lí só͘ boeh ài ê it-chhè, góa kóng. Góa kám bē-sái pó-liû chit-hāng mi̍h?

-- Góa siūⁿ boeh chai.

-- Lí siūⁿ kóng lí siūⁿ boeh chai, góa kóng, m̄-koh lí m̄-sī.

-- Lí ná boeh kā góa am-khàm he?

-- Góa bô am-khàm. Che m̄-sī lí ê.

I chē lo̍h-lâi chin óa góa, he bourbon chiú hiàn hō͘ góa tò thè. Góa thiaⁿ tio̍h khiak chi̍t-siaⁿ, goán tâng-chê gia̍h-thâu, khòaⁿ tio̍h goán kiáⁿ ê kha siau-sit tī lâu-thui thâu. 

Hit-àm goán ang khì khùn ê sî, i hóe to̍h koh siū-khì, it-ti̍t kàu i khai-sí bîn-bāng chiah siau khì. Góa kám-kak tio̍h i ê tháu-pàng, kàu hit-sî góa chiah ū hoat-tō͘ khùn. 

Keh tńg kang, goán kiáⁿ bong góa ê nâ-âu, mn̄g khí góa ê si-tòa. I siūⁿ boeh kā giú. Goân-pún i siūⁿ-kóng án-ne góa ē thiàⁿ, góa chiah ē kìm-chí i. Kìⁿ nā i chhun-chhiú boeh bong, góa tō iô chi̍t-ê ū chē-chē gîn-kak-á ê thih-koán-á. He sán-seng khi̍h-khia̍k kiò ê koài siaⁿ, i tō kiu chhiú, koh khàu. Goán tiong-kan sit-khì bó͘-chióng mi̍h-kiāⁿ, góa bô koh chhōe tio̍h he.

(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ chún-pī chi̍t-ê té móa gîn-kak-á ê khì-chúi koàn-á. Kóng kàu chia ê sî, kā he hiòng siōng óa-kīn lí ê lâng iô-tāng. Chhiaⁿ koan-chhat in khióng-pò͘ koh hoán-pōe ê piáu-chêng. Chù-ì tī koh lâi ê ji̍t-chí, in bē koh kō͘ kāng-khoán ê hong-sek khòaⁿ lí.)

*

Góa pò-miâ chham-ka lú-chú châi-gē pan. Goán ang khì siōng-pan, goán kiáⁿ khì ha̍k-hāu liáu, góa tō sái-chhia kàu sì-kè chheⁿ-chháu ê hāu-hn̂g, kàu châi-gē pan siōng-khò ê hit-tòng é koh khoah ê phú-sek kiàn-bu̍t.

Ūi tio̍h chun-tiōng lé-gî, goân-chek siōng goán bē khòaⁿ lâm-sèng ê lō͘-thé,  m̄-koh chit-ê pan ū i ka-tī ê lêng-liōng -- ū chē-chē kî-koài lú-sèng lō͘-thé ê hêng-thài, tī lí tńg-se̍h thòaⁿ-pit a̍h kiáu gân-liāu ê sî, ū chē-chē thang hō͘ lí su-khó. Góa khòaⁿ put-chí chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ tī yi ê chē-ūi chêng-āu piàn-tōng lâi têng hun-phòe yi ê hoeh-lō͘.

Te̍k-pia̍t ū chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘, chi̍t-kái koh chi̍t-kái tńg-lâi. Yi ê si-tòa sī âng ê, kat tī yi ê kha-ba̍k. Yi ê phôe-hu sī chhó-kan-á sek, chi̍t-chhok o͘-sek ê mo͘ ùi yi ê tō͘-châi iân kàu yi ê im-pō͘. Góa chai, góa bô eng-kai kah-ì yi, m̄-sī in-ūi yi sī cha-bó͘ ê, mā m̄-sī in-ūi yi sī chheⁿ-hūn lâng, sū-si̍t sī in-ūi thǹg-saⁿ sī yi ê khang-khòe, góa kám-kak kiàn-siàu lī-iōng chit-lō to͘-ha̍p. M̄-koh, góa ê iân-pit ná biô yi ê gōa-hêng, góa ê chhiú mā tī góa sim-tiong ê su-bi̍t khang-phāng teh biô. Góa sīm-chì m̄-chai, sī án-nóa chit-lō tāi-chì ē hoat-seng, m̄-koh chiah-ê khó-lêng-sèng jiá kah góa kiông boeh khí-siáu.

Chi̍t-kang ē-tàu hā-khò liáu, góa kiâⁿ kòe cháu-lông ê oat-kak, tú tio̍h yi tī hia, hit-ê cha-bó͘. Ū chhēng saⁿ, moa chi̍t-niá hō͘-i. Yi ê ba̍k-kng hō͘ góa tio̍h-bê, kīn kah góa ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ang-á-jîn sì-chiu-ûi ê kim-sòaⁿ, bē-su yi ê ba̍k-chiu sī nn̄g-lia̍p ji̍t-si̍t. Yi kā góa phah chio-ho͘, góa mā kā ìn.

Goán tâng-chê khì hū-kīn chi̍t-keng chhan-thiaⁿ, chē tī khah-chō, ū-sî goán ê kha-thâu-u koh ē tī toh-á-ē sio-kho̍k tio̍h. Yi lim o͘ kapi. Góa mn̄g yi kám ū gín-á. Yi ū, yi kóng, ū chi̍t-ê chă gín-á, sī chi̍t-ê 11 hòe ê súi ko͘-niû-á.

-- 11 hòe sī chi̍t-ê khó-phà ê nî-lêng, yi kóng. Góa bē-kì-tit 11 hòe chìn-chêng ê tāi-chì ah, koh-lâi-ê tō ē-kì-tit ah, chhái-sek koh chiâⁿ khióng-pò͘. Kî-miāu ê sò͘-jī, yi kóng, mā sī kî-miāu ê piáu-hiān. Jiân-āu, yi ê bīn oa̍t ǹg pa̍t-ê hong-hiòng chi̍t-khùn, bē-su yi sī chìm tī o͘-chúi ē-bīn.

Goán bô thó-lūn chhiâⁿ chă-kiáⁿ ê kū-thé khióng-pò͘. Láu-si̍t-kóng, góa m̄-káⁿ mn̄g. Góa mā bô mn̄g yi sī-m̄-sī ū hun-in, yi mā bô chú-tōng thê-kiong chit-ê sìn-sit, sui-bóng yi pēng bô kòa chhiú-chí. Góa kóng tio̍h goán kiáⁿ, kóng châi-gē pan. Góa chiok siūⁿ boeh chai-iáⁿ, sī siáⁿ-mih su-iàu hō͘ yi tī goán bīn-chêng thǹg-saⁿ, m̄-koh siōng-hó góa sī mài mn̄g, in-ūi tap-àn tō ná chhiūⁿ chheng-chhun-kî hiah kiaⁿ-lâng, hō͘ lâng bē bē-kì-tit.

Góa khì hō͘ saⁿh tio̍h ah, góa m̄-chai án-nóa hêng-iông. Yi chū-chū chāi-chāi, m̄-koh kap góa kòe-khì ê chū-chāi bô kāng -- sī góa taⁿ ê chū-chāi. Yi ná chhiūⁿ sī mī-chhè (dough), tī jiû-nóa ê chhiú ē-bīn, i ê sūn-sèng am-khàm tio̍h i ê kian-jūn, i ê chiâm-lêng. Góa ê ba̍k-chiu sóa khui, koh oa̍t tńg-lâi khòaⁿ yi ê sî, yi ká-ná í-keng koh tōa chi̍t-pōe.

Hoān-sè lán í-āu ē-sái koh khai-káng, góa kā yi kóng. Che sī chi̍t-ê chiâⁿ jû-khoài ê ē-po͘.

Yi ǹg góa tìm thâu. Góa hù yi ê kapi chîⁿ.

Góa bô-ài kā goán ang kóng khí yi, m̄-koh i kám-kak ē chhut ū bōe sek-hòng ê io̍k-bōng. Chi̍t-àm, i mn̄g góa thé-lāi sī siáⁿ teh tîⁿ, góa tō kā thán-pe̍h. Góa sīm-chì kóng-khí yi ê si-tòa ê sè-chiat, sek-hòng chhut bē-chió ê kiàn-siàu-sim.

I tùi chit-ê hoat-tián chiâⁿ hoaⁿ-hí, i khai-sí i-i ū-ū, it-ti̍t nauh i ê hoàn-sióng, ná thǹg-khò͘, ná tōng ji̍p góa. Góa kám-kak góa ká-ná ū kā yi chhut-bē, choăn góa m̄-bat koh tńg-khì siōng-khò.

(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ kiông-pek chi̍t-ê thiaⁿ-chiòng kóng-chhut chi̍t-ê pì-bi̍t, jiân-āu phah-khui siōng-kīn ê thang-á, chīn-liōng tōa-siaⁿ kā pì-bi̍t kóng chhut-lâi.)

*

- -

6. 我報名參加女子才藝班

阮囝 5 歲入學, 我會記得 in 老師, 彼工 tī 停車場, 她跍落來幫忙我. 她 mā 會記得我. 我 kā 她講, 阮囝了後, 阮無其他 ê 囡仔, iá 今伊已經開始入學, 我 ê 日子 tō 變做懶屍 koh 無聊. 她真親切. 她 kă 講, 我若欲揣生活 ê 議量, 在地 ê 學院有一个真好 ê 女子才藝班.

彼暗, tī 阮囝上床了後, 阮翁 kā 手伸過膨椅, 溜到我 ê 大腿.

-- 過來我 chia, 伊講, 我 tō 暢 kah gì-gì chun. 我 ùi 膨椅溜落來, kā 裙 póe 平平媠媠, kō͘ 跤頭趺行到伊 hia. 我唚伊 ê 跤腿, 手伸到伊 ê 皮帶, kā 伊敨放, 然後規支 kā kâm 落. 伊 ê 手捋我 ê 頭毛, ná 撲我 ê 頭殼, ná 哼聲 ná kēng 倚我. 我無意識著伊 ê 手溜到我 ê 頷頸後陵, 一直到伊 ê 指頭仔欲勾入我 ê 絲帶. 我欶一下大氣, 緊緊抽走, ná 倒摔向 ná 兇狂檢查我 ê 蝶仔結. 伊猶是坐 tī hia, 糊滿我 ê 喙瀾.

-- 轉來 chia, 伊講.

--  毋, 我講.

伊徛起來, 勼入褲 nih, kā 挩鍊搝好.

-- 一个婦人 lâng, 伊講, 袂使對姻翁有祕密.

-- 我無啥祕密, 我 kā 講.

-- 絲帶.

-- 絲帶毋是祕密, 彼是我 ê.

-- 你敢生來 tō 有彼? 是按怎是你 ê 嚨喉? 是按怎是綠色 ê?

我無應.

伊恬恬真久. 然後,

-- 做人 ê 某袂使有祕密.

我 ê 鼻起燒. 我忍毋哭.

-- 我已經予你所欲愛 ê 一切, 我講. 我敢袂使保留這項物?

-- 我想欲知.

-- 你想講你想欲知, 我講, m̄-koh 你毋是.

-- 你那欲 kā 我掩崁彼?

-- 我無掩崁. 這毋是你 ê.

伊坐落來真倚我, 彼 bourbon 酒羶予我倒退. 我聽著 khiak 一聲, 阮同齊攑頭, 看著阮囝 ê 跤消失 tī 樓梯頭. 

彼暗阮翁去睏 ê 時, 伊火 to̍h koh 受氣, 一直到伊開始眠夢才消去. 我感覺著伊 ê 敨放, 到彼時我才有法度睏. 

隔轉工, 阮囝摸我 ê 嚨喉, 問起我 ê 絲帶. 伊想欲 kā 搝. 原本伊想講 án-ne 我會疼, 我才會禁止伊. 見若伊伸手欲摸, 我 tō 搖一个有濟濟銀角 仔 ê 鐵罐仔. 彼產生 khi̍h-khia̍k 叫 ê 怪聲, 伊 tō 勼手, koh 哭. 阮中間失去某種物件, 我無 koh 揣著 he.

(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請準備一个貯滿銀角仔 ê 汽水罐仔. 講到 chia ê 時, kā he 向上倚近你 ê 人搖動. 請觀察 in 恐怖 koh 反背 ê 表情. 注意 tī koh 來 ê 日子, in 袂 koh kō͘ 仝款 ê 方式看你.)

*

我報名參加女子才藝班. 阮翁去上班, 阮囝去學校了, 我 tō 駛車到四界青草 ê 校園, 到才藝班上課 ê 彼棟矮 koh 闊 ê 殕色建物.

為著尊重禮儀, 原則上阮袂看男性 ê 露體,  m̄-koh 這个班有伊 ka-tī ê 能量 -- 有濟濟奇怪女性露體 ê 形態, tī 你轉踅炭筆 a̍h 攪顏料 ê 時, 有濟濟通予你思考. 我看不止一个查某 tī 她 ê 坐位前後變動來重分配她 ê 血路.

特別有一个查某, 一改 koh 一解轉來. 她 ê 絲帶是紅 ê, 結 tī 她 ê 跤目. 她 ê 皮膚是草橄仔色, 一撮烏色 ê 毛 ùi 她 ê 肚臍延到她 ê 陰部. 我知, 我無應該佮意她, 毋是因為她是查某 ê, mā 毋是因為她是生份人, 事實是因為褪衫是她 ê 工課, 我感覺見笑利用 chit-lō 都合. M̄-koh, 我 ê 鉛筆 ná 描她 ê 外形, 我 ê 手 mā tī 我心中 ê 私密空縫 teh 描. 我甚至毋知, 是按怎 chit-lō 代誌會發生, m̄-koh chiah-ê 可能性惹 kah 我強欲起痟.

一工下晝下課了, 我行過走廊 ê 斡角, 拄著她 tī hia, 彼个查某. 有穿衫, 幔一領雨衣. 她 ê 目光予我著迷, 近 kah 我會當看著她尪仔仁四周圍 ê 金線, 袂輸她 ê 目睭是兩粒日食. 她 kā 我拍招呼, 我 mā kā 應.

阮同齊去附近一間餐廳, 坐 tī 卡座, 有時阮 ê 跤頭趺 koh 會 tī 桌仔下相硞著. 她啉烏 kapi. 我問她敢有囡仔. 她有, 她講, 有一个 chă  囡仔, 是一个 11 歲 ê 媠姑娘仔.

-- 11 歲是一个可怕 ê 年齡, 她講. 我袂記得 11 歲進前 ê 代誌 ah, koh 來 ê tō 會記得 ah, 彩色 koh 誠恐怖. 奇妙 ê 數字, 她講, mā 是奇妙 ê 表現. 然後, 她 ê 面越 ǹg 別个方向一睏, 袂輸她是浸 tī 烏水下面.

阮無討論晟 chă 囝 ê 具體恐怖. 老實講, 我毋敢問. 我 mā 無問她是毋是有婚姻, 她 mā 無主動提供這个信息, 雖罔她並無掛手指. 我講著阮囝, 講才藝班. 我足想欲知影, 是啥物需要予她 tī 阮面前褪衫, 毋過上好我是莫問, 因為答案 tō ná 像青春期 hiah 驚人, 予人袂袂記得.

我去予 saⁿh 著 ah, 我毋知 án-nóa 形容. 她自自在在, m̄-koh kap 我過去 ê 自在無仝 -- 是我今 ê 自在. 她 ná 像是麵 chhè (dough), tī 揉撋 ê 手下面, 伊 ê 順性掩崁著伊 ê 堅韌, 伊 ê 潛能. 我 ê 目睭徙開, koh 越轉來看她 ê 時, 她 ká-ná 已經 koh 大一倍.

凡勢咱以後會使 koh 開講, 我 kā 她講. 這是一个誠愉快 ê 下晡.

她 ǹg 我 tìm 頭. 我付她 ê kapi 錢.

我無愛 kā 阮翁講起她, m̄-koh 伊感覺會出有未釋放 ê 慾望. 一暗, 伊問我體內是啥 teh 纏, 我 tō kā 坦白. 我甚至講起她 ê 絲帶 ê 細節, 釋放出袂少 ê 見笑心.

伊對這个發展誠歡喜, 伊開始 i-i ū-ū, 一直 nauh 伊 ê 幻想, ná 褪褲, ná tōng 入我. 我感覺我 ká-ná 有 kā 她出賣, choăn 我 m̄-bat koh 轉去上課.

(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請強迫一个聽眾講出一个祕密, 然後拍開上近 ê 窗仔, 盡量大聲 kā 祕密講出來.)

*

- -

6.

Our son enters school when he is five, and I remember his teacher from that day in the park, when she had crouched to help me. She remembers me as well. I tell her that we have had no more children since our son, and now that he has started school, my days will be altered toward sloth and boredom. She is kind. She tells me that if I am looking for a way to occupy my time, there is a wonderful women’s art class at a local college.

That night, after my son is in bed, my husband reaches his hand across the couch and slides it up my leg.

– Come to me, he says, and I twinge with pleasure. I slide off the couch, smoothing my skirt very prettily as I walk over to him on my knees. I kiss his leg, running my hand up to his belt, tugging him from his bonds before swallowing him whole. He runs his hands through my hair, stroking my head, groaning and pressing into me. And I don’t realize that his hand is sliding down the back of my neck until he is trying to loop his fingers through the ribbon. I gasp and pull away quickly, falling back and frantically checking my bow. He is still sitting there, slick with my spit.

– Come back here, he says.

– No, I say.

He stands up and tucks himself into his pants, zipping them up.

– A wife, he says, should have no secrets from her husband.

– I don’t have any secrets, I tell him.

– The ribbon.

– The ribbon is not a secret, it’s just mine.

– Were you born with it? Why your throat? Why is it green?

I do not answer.

He is silent for a long minute. Then,

– A wife should have no secrets.

My nose grows hot. I do not want to cry.

– I have given you everything you have ever asked for, I say. Am I not allowed this one thing?

– I want to know.

– You think you want to know, I say, but you do not.

– Why do you want to hide it from me?

– I am not hiding it. It is not yours.

He gets down very close to me, and I pull back from the smell of bourbon. I hear a creak, and we both look up to see our son’s feet vanishing up the staircase.

When my husband goes to sleep that night, he does so with a hot and burning anger that falls away only when he starts dreaming. I sense its release, and only then can I sleep, too.

The next day, our son touches my throat and asks about my ribbon. He tries to pull at it. And though it pains me, I have to make it forbidden to him. When he reaches for it, I shake a can full of pennies. It crashes discordantly, and he withdraws and weeps. Something is lost between us, and I never find it again.

(If you are reading this story out loud, prepare a soda can full of pennies. When you arrive at this moment, shake it loudly in the face of the person closest to you. Observe their expression of startled fear, and then betrayal. Notice how they never look at you in exactly the same way for the rest of your days.)

*

I enroll in the art class for women. When my husband is at work and my son is in school, I drive to the sprawling green campus and the squat grey building where the art classes are held.

Presumably, the male nudes are kept from our eyes in some deference to propriety, but the class has its own energy – there is plenty to see on a strange woman’s naked form, plenty to contemplate as you roll charcoal and mix paints. I see more than one woman shifting forwards and back in her seat to redistribute blood flow.

One woman in particular returns over and over. Her ribbon is red, and is knotted around her slender ankle. Her skin is the colour of olives, and a trail of dark hair runs from her belly button to her mons. I know that I should not want her, not because she is a woman and not because she is a stranger, but because it is her job to disrobe, and I feel shame taking advantage of such a state. But as my pencil traces her contours so does my hand in the secret recesses of my mind. I am not even certain how such a thing would happen, but the possibilities incense me to near madness.

One afternoon after class, I turn a hallway corner and she is there, the woman. Clothed, wrapped in a raincoat. Her gaze transfixes me, and this close I can see a band of gold around each of her pupils, as though her eyes are twin solar eclipses. She greets me, and I her.

We sit down together in a booth at a nearby diner, our knees occasionally bushing up against each other beneath the Formica. She drinks a cup of black coffee. I ask her if she has any children. She does, she says, a daughter, a beautiful little girl of eleven.

– Eleven is a terrifying age, she says. I remember nothing before I was eleven, but then there it was, all colour and horror. What a number, she says, what a show. Then her face slips somewhere else for a moment, as if she has dipped beneath the surface of a lake.

We do not discuss the specific fears of raising a girl-child. Truthfully, I am afraid to ask. I also do not ask her if she’s married, and she does not volunteer the information, though she does not wear a ring. We talk about my son, about the art class. I desperately want to know what state of need has sent her to disrobe before us, but perhaps I do not ask because the answer would be, like adolescence, too frightening to forget.

I am captivated by her, there is no other way to put it. There is something easy about her, but not easy the way I was – the way I am. She’s like dough, how the give of it beneath kneading hands disguises its sturdiness, its potential. When I look away from her and then look back, she seems twice as large as before.

Perhaps we can talk again sometime, I say to her. This has been a very pleasant afternoon.

She nods to me. I pay for her coffee.

I do not want to tell my husband about her, but he can sense some untapped desire. One night, he asks what roils inside of me and I confess it to him. I even describe the details of her ribbon, releasing an extra flood of shame.

He is so glad of this development he begins to mutter a long and exhaustive fantasy as he removes his pants and enters me. I feel as if I have betrayed her somehow, and I never return to the class.

(If you are reading this story out loud, force a listener to reveal a secret, then open the nearest window to the street and scream it as loudly as you are able.)

*

- -

5. 阮囝是一个乖寶貝

5. Goán kiáⁿ sī chi̍t-ê koai pó-pòe

In kā eⁿ-á phō cháu, hó-thang hoa̍t-lo̍h góa ê khang-chhùi. In kō͘ bīn-khak khin-khin am góa ê chhùi kap phīⁿ, hō͘ góa khí ài-khùn. Goán ang ná khan góa ê chhiú, ná hām i-seng kóng sńg-chhiò.

-- Ke thīⁿ chi̍t-chiam tio̍h gōa chē chîⁿ? i mn̄g. Lí ū chit-ê ho̍k-bū, kám bô?

-- Pài-thok, góa kā kóng. M̄-koh góa ê ōe-siaⁿ hâm-hô͘ bē chheng, khó-lêng kan-ta sī chi̍t-ê hiⁿ siaⁿ. Nn̄g-lâng lóng bô oa̍t-thâu ǹg góa.

I-seng ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò. Lí m̄-sī tē-it ê...

Góa liu lo̍h chi̍t-ê tn̂g-tn̂g ê pōng-khang, āu-lâi koh phû chhut-lâi, m̄-koh khàm chi̍t-iân tāng koh àm ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, ná chhiūⁿ sī iû. Góa kám-kak siūⁿ boeh thò͘.

-- iâu-giân sī án-ne...

-- ná chhiūⁿ sī pēⁿ...

Hit-sî, góa chhéⁿ lâi, chin chheng-chhéⁿ, goán ang bô tī hia, i-seng mā bô tī hia. Eⁿ-á, tī toh...

Hō͘-sū chhun thâu ji̍p mn̂g.

-- Lín sian-siⁿ khì lim chi̍t-poe kapi, eⁿ-á tī iô-nâ nih khùn.

I-seng tòe yi āu-bīn ji̍p-lâi, kō͘ pò͘ teh chhit chhiú.

-- Lóng thīⁿ hó ah, bián chhau-sim, i kóng. Thīⁿ kah hó koh ân, ta̍k-ê lóng hoaⁿ-hí. Hō͘-sū ē hām lí thó-lūn ho̍k-goân ê tāi-chì. Lí su-iàu hó-hó hioh-khùn chi̍t-ē.

Eⁿ-á chhéⁿ lâi. Hō͘-sū ùi phōe-kin kā phō lâi khǹg tī góa ê heng-chêng. I ū kàu súi ê, góa thê-chhéⁿ ka-tī tio̍h chhoán-khùi.

*

Goán kiáⁿ sī chi̍t-ê koai pó-pòe. I tōa chin kín. Goán bô koh ū gín-á, m̄-sī goán bô chhì. Góa hoâi-gî, Sió-kiáⁿ tī góa ê pak-tó͘ lāi chō sêng siuⁿ tōa ê phò-hāi, hō͘ góa ê sin-khu bē kham koh té pa̍t-ê gín-á.

-- Sió-kiáⁿ, lí sī chi̍t-ê bái pâng-kheh, góa kā i kóng, ná kō͘ sé-hoat-chúi jiû i he iù-iù ê chang-sek thâu-mo͘, góa boeh chhú-siau lí ê ah-kim.

I tī chúi-chô phah chúi-hoe, hoaⁿ-hí kah ko̍k-ko̍k chhiò.

Goán kiáⁿ bong góa ê si-tòa, m̄-koh he bē hō͘ góa khí-kiaⁿ. I kā he tòng-chò góa ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn, i tùi-thāi he kap tùi-thāi hīⁿ-á a̍h chéng-thâu-á bô siáⁿ chha-pia̍t.

Hā-pan tńg-lâi, goán ang tī mn̂g-tiâⁿ hām goán kiáⁿ sńg, sńg cháu kap jiok. I iáu siuⁿ sè-hàn, bē-hiáu sîn kiû, m̄-koh goán ang tī chháu-tē téng nāi-sim kā kiû liàn hō͘ i, goán kiáⁿ tō khì khioh kiû, koh kā pàng lo̍h, goán ang pí chhiú-sè hō͘ góa, hoah:  khòaⁿ, khòaⁿ! Lí ū khòaⁿ e bô? Chin kín i tō boeh ē-hiáu tìm kiû ah.

*

Tī góa só͘ chai ê iú-koan lāu-bú ê kò͘-sū tiong-kan, chit-ê siōng chin. Chi̍t-ê Bí-kok súi ko͘-niû hām lāu-bú hóng-būn Paris ê sî, yin lāu-bú kám-kak sin-thé bô hó-sè. Yin koat-tēng tī lí-koán tòa--kúi-kang, hō͘ lāu-bú thang hioh-khùn, chă-kiáⁿ chhiáⁿ i-seng lâi kā lāu-bú khòaⁿ-pēⁿ.

Kán-té kiám-cha liáu, i-seng kā chă-kiáⁿ kóng, yin lāu-bú chí su-iàu ho̍k kóa io̍h-á.  I chhōa chă-kiáⁿ khì chē taksi, kō͘ Franse-gí kau-tài ūn-choán-chhiú, koh kā chă-kiáⁿ kái-soeh kóng, kàu in tau, in bó͘ ē ūi yi chún-pī sek-tòng ê io̍h-á. Taksi sái lâi sái khì sái chiâⁿ kú, ko͘-niû kàu-ūi ê sî, yi kiông boeh lia̍h-kông, in-ūi i-seng niû ê tōng-chok bān kah hō͘ lâng jím bē-tiâu, yi khoaⁿ-khoaⁿ-á kā io̍h-hún kap chò io̍h-oân. Yi tńg kàu taksi ê sî, ūn-choán-chhiú iū koh tī ke-lō͘ se̍h lâi se̍h khì, ū-sî iū tī kāng chi̍t-tiâu tōa-ke kiâⁿ hoan-thâu. Ko͘-niû lo̍h taksi, kiâⁿ-lō͘ tńg lí-koán. Tán yi chòe-āu lâi kàu lí-koán, lí-koán ê chit-oân kā kóng, i m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe yi. Yi cháu tńg yin lāu-bú hioh-khùn ê pâng-keng ê sî, yi hoat-hiān pâng-keng piah ê sek-chhái bô kāng, chong-hông mā kap yi só͘ kì-tit ê bô kāng, yin lāu-bú mā bô khòaⁿ e iáⁿ.

Chit-ê kò͘-sū ū chin chē bô kāng ê kiat-bóe. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê sī, ko͘-niû chin chiàⁿ-bīn, yi kian-chhî koh khak-tēng, tī hū-kīn cho͘ chi̍t-ê pâng-keng, kàm-sī hit-keng hotel, chiong-kî-bóe kau-ín chi̍t-ê sé-saⁿ-keng ê siàu-liân-ke, hoat-hiān chin-siòng: yin lāu-bú sí tī chi̍t-chióng tì-miā ê thoân-jiám-pēⁿ, tī i-seng sàng chă-kiáⁿ chhut hotel bô kú tō lī-khui sè-kan. Ūi tio̍h mài chō sêng choân-siâⁿ-te̍k ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, lí-koán ê lâng kā lāu-bú siu-bâi, kā pâng-keng chhat kòe koh chong-hông kòe, koh o͘-se só͘-ū chai-chêng ê lâng tio̍h m̄-jīn in bat kìⁿ kòe chit nn̄g-lâng.

Chit-ê kò͘-sū ê lēng-gōa chi̍t-ê pán-pún sī, ko͘-niû tī Paris ke-lō͘ liû-lōng kúi-ā nî, siong-sìn ka-tī í-keng khí-siáu, sī ka-tī ê siáu-sîn-keng pian-chō chhut yi ū chi̍t-ê lāu-bú kap yi hām lāu-bú ê seng-oa̍h chióng-chióng. Chă-kiáⁿ chông kòe chi̍t-keng chi̍t-keng ê hotel, bê-bông koh pi-siong, sui-bóng yi mā m̄-chai tàu-té sī ūi tio̍h siáng.

Góa bô su-iàu kā lí kóng chit-ê kò͘-sū ê ì-gī. Góa siūⁿ lí í-keng chai he sī siáⁿ-mi̍h ah.

*

- -

5. 阮囝是一个乖寶貝

In kā 嬰仔抱走, 好通發落我 ê 空喙. In kō͘ 面殼輕輕掩我 ê 喙 kap 鼻, 予我起愛睏. 阮翁 ná 牽我 ê 手, ná 和醫生講耍笑.

-- 加紩一針著偌濟錢? 伊問. 你有這个服務, 敢無?

-- 拜託, 我 kā 講. M̄-koh 我 ê 話聲含糊袂清, 可能干焦是一个 hiⁿ 聲. 兩人 lóng 無越頭 ǹg 我.

醫生 ko̍k-ko̍k 笑. 你毋是第一个...

我溜落一个長長 ê 磅空, 後來 koh 浮出來, m̄-koh 崁一沿重 koh 暗 ê 物件, ná 像是油. 我感覺想欲吐.

-- 謠言是 án-ne...

-- ná 像是病...

彼時, 我醒來, 真清醒, 阮翁無 tī hia, 醫生 mā 無 tī hia. 嬰仔, tī 佗...

護士伸頭入門.

-- 恁先生去啉一杯 kapi, 嬰仔 tī 搖籃 nih 睏.

醫生綴她後面入來, kō͘ 布 teh 拭手.

-- Lóng 紩好 ah, 免操心, 伊講. 紩 kah 好 koh 絚, 逐个 lóng 歡喜. 護士會和你討論復原 ê 代誌. 你需要好好歇睏一下.

嬰仔醒來. 護士 ùi 被巾 kā 抱來囥 tī 我 ê 胸前. 伊有夠媠 ê, 我提醒 ka-tī 著喘氣.

*

阮囝是一个乖寶貝. 伊大真緊. 阮無 koh 有囡仔, 毋是阮無試. 我懷疑, 小囝 tī 我 ê 腹肚內造成 siuⁿ 大 ê 破害, 予我 ê 身軀袂堪 koh 貯別个囡仔.

-- 小囝, 你是一个䆀房客, 我 kā 伊講, ná kō͘ 洗髮水揉伊彼幼幼 ê 棕色頭毛, 我欲取消你 ê 押金.

伊 tī 水槽拍水花, 歡喜 kah ko̍k-ko̍k 笑.

阮囝摸我 ê 絲帶, m̄-koh 彼袂予我起驚. 伊 kā 彼當做我 ê 一部份, 伊對待彼 kap 對待耳仔 a̍h 指頭仔無啥差別.

下班轉來, 阮翁 tī 門埕和阮囝耍, 耍走 kap 逐. 伊猶 siuⁿ 細漢, 袂曉 sîn 球, m̄-koh 阮翁 tī 草地頂耐心 kā 球輾予伊, 阮囝 tō 去抾球, koh kā 放落, 阮翁比手勢予我, 喝: 看, 看! 你有看 e 無? 真緊伊 tō 欲會曉 tìm 球 ah.

*

Tī 我所知 ê 有關老母 ê 故事中間, 這个上真. 一个美國媠姑娘和老母訪問 Paris ê 時, 姻老母感覺身體無好勢. 姻決定 tī 旅館蹛幾工, 予老母通歇睏, chă 囝請醫生來 kā 老母看病.

簡短檢查了, 醫生 kā chă 囝講, 姻老母只需要服寡藥仔.  伊 chhōa chă 囝去坐 taksi, kō͘ Franse 語交代運轉手, koh kā chă 囝解說講, 到 in 兜, in 某會為她準備適當 ê 藥仔. Taksi 駛來駛去駛誠久, 姑娘到位 ê 時, 她強欲掠狂, 因為醫生娘 ê 動作慢 kah 予人忍袂牢, 她寬寬仔 kā 藥粉敆做藥丸. 她轉到 taksi ê 時, 運轉手又 koh tī 街路踅來踅去, 有時又 tī 仝一條大街行翻頭. 姑娘落 taksi, 行路轉旅館. 等她最後來到旅館, 旅館 ê 職員 kā 講, 伊 m̄-bat 看過她. 她走轉姻老母歇睏 ê 房間 ê 時, 她發現房間壁 ê 色彩無仝, 裝潢 mā kap 她所記得 ê 無仝, 姻老母 mā 無看 e 影.

這个故事有真濟無仝 ê 結尾. 其中一个是, 姑娘真正面, 她堅持 koh 確定, tī 附近租一个房間, 監視彼間 hotel, 終其尾勾引一个洗衫間 ê 少年家, 發現真相: 姻老母死 tī 一種致命 ê 傳染病, tī 醫生送 chă 囝出 hotel 無久 tō 離開世間. 為著莫造成全城 te̍k ê 驚惶, 旅館 ê 人 kā 老母收埋, kā 房間漆過 koh 裝潢過, koh 烏西所有知情 ê 人著毋認 in bat 見過這兩人.

這个故事 ê 另外一个版本是, 姑娘 tī Paris 街路流浪幾若年, 相信 ka-tī 已經起痟, 是 ka-tī ê 痟神經編造出她有一个老母 kap 她和老母 ê 生活種種. Chă 囝傱過一間一間 ê hotel, 迷茫 koh 悲傷, 雖罔她 mā 毋知到底是為著 siáng.

我無需要 kā 你講這个故事 ê 意義. 我想你已經知彼是啥物 ah.

*

- -

5.

They take the baby so that they may fix me where they cut. They give me something that makes me sleepy, delivered through a mask pressed gently to my mouth and nose. My husband jokes around with the doctor as he holds my hand.

– How much to get that extra stitch? he asks. You offer that, right?

– Please, I say to him. But it comes out slurred and twisted and possibly no more than a small moan. Neither man turns his head toward me.

The doctor chuckles. You aren’t the first –

I slide down a long tunnel, and then surface again, but covered in something heavy and dark, like oil. I feel like I am going to vomit.

– the rumor is something like –

– like a vir–

And then I am awake, wide awake, and my husband is gone and the doctor is gone. And the baby, where is –

The nurse sticks her head in the door.

– Your husband just went to get a coffee, she says, and the baby is asleep in the bassinet.

The doctor walks in behind her, wiping his hands on a cloth.

– You’re all sewn up, don’t you worry, he said. Nice and tight, everyone’s happy. The nurse will speak with you about recovery. You’re going to need to rest for a while.

The baby wakes up. The nurse scoops him from his swaddle and places him in my arms again. He is so beautiful I have to remind myself to breathe.

*

My son is a good baby. He grows and grows. We never have another child, though not for lack of trying. I suspect that Little One did so much ruinous damage inside of me that my body couldn’t house another.

– You were a poor tenant, Little One, I say to him, rubbing shampoo into his fine brown hair, and I shall revoke your deposit.

He splashes around in the sink, cackling with happiness.

My son touches my ribbon, but never in a way that makes me afraid. He thinks of it as a part of me, and he treats it no differently than he would an ear or finger.

Back from work, my husband plays games in the yard with our son, games of chase and run. He is too young to catch a ball, still, but my husband patiently rolls it to him in the grass, and our son picks it up and drops it again, and my husband gestures to me and cries Look, look! Did you see? He is going to throw it soon enough.

*

Of all the stories I know about mothers, this one is the most real. A young American girl is visiting Paris with her mother when the woman begins to feel ill. They decide to check into a hotel for a few days so the mother can rest, and the daughter calls for a doctor to assess her.

After a brief examination, the doctor tells the daughter that all her mother needs is some medicine. He takes the daughter to a taxi, gives the driver directions in French, and explains to the girl that, at his home, his wife will give her the appropriate remedy. They drive and drive for a very long time, and when the girl arrives, she is frustrated by the unbearable slowness of this doctor’s wife, who meticulously assembles the pills from powder. When she gets back into the taxi, the driver meanders down the streets, sometimes doubling back on the same avenue. The girl gets out of the taxi to return to the hotel on foot. When she finally arrives, the hotel clerk tells her that he has never seen her before. When she runs up to the room where her mother had been resting, she finds the walls a different colour, the furnishings different than her memory, and her mother nowhere in sight.

There are many endings to the story. In one of them, the girl is gloriously persistent and certain, renting a room nearby and staking out the hotel, eventually seducing a young man who works in the laundry and discovering the truth: that her mother had died of a contagious and fatal disease, departing this plane shortly after the daughter was sent from the hotel by the doctor. To avoid a citywide panic, the staff removed and buried her body, repainted and furnished the room, and bribed all involved to deny that they had ever met the pair.

In another version of this story, the girl wanders the streets of Paris for years, believing that she is mad, that she invented her mother and her life with her mother in her own diseased mind. The daughter stumbles from hotel to hotel, confused and grieving, though for whom she cannot say.

I don’t need to tell you the moral of this story. I think you already know what it is.

*

- -

4. 我 ê 腹肚 lú 來 lú 膨

4. Góa ê pak-tó͘ lú lâi lú phòng

Ū chi̍t-ê góa kah-ì ê kò͘-sū, sī iú-koan chi̍t-tùi khì thok-hong ê ang-á-bó͘ khì hō͘ iá-lông kā sí. Chhù-piⁿ hoat-hiān in ê sí-thé liah-phòa, sòaⁿ phún-phún tī chhâ-chhù sì-chiu, m̄-koh lóng bô chhōe tio̍h in ê sè-hàn chă eⁿ-á, m̄-chai seⁿ a̍h sí. Āu-lâi, ū lâng kóng, ū khòaⁿ tio̍h chă gín-á hām lông-tīn tâng-chê teh cháu, ná chhiūⁿ iá-lông án-ne iá koh béng pha-cháu tī hong-iá.

Iú-koan yi ê siau-sit tī tong-tē thoân-khui. Yi bat tī chi̍t-ê kôaⁿ-thiⁿ tī chhiū-nâ ui-hia̍p chi̍t-ê phah-la̍h-ê -- khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê bô chhēng-saⁿ ê sè-hàn chă gín-á tùi i giàng-gê koh âu-kiò, hoān-sè i ê tio̍h-kiaⁿ khah tōa kòe siū ui-hia̍p. Chi̍t-ê siàu-liân cha-bó͘ kong-kek chi̍t-chiah bé. Ū lâng sīm-chì khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tī ke-mo͘ sì-sòaⁿ tiong-kan thiah-chia̍h chi̍t-chiah ke.

Kúi-nî liáu-āu, thiaⁿ kóng ū lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tī khe-hōaⁿ ê koaⁿ-bang tiong-kan hioh-khùn, teh kā nn̄g-chiah iù-kiáⁿ chhī-leng. Góa kah-ì án-ne siūⁿ, he sī yi seⁿ ê, lông ê hiat-thóng chit-kái thàu-lām tio̍h lâng ê. In tong-jiân ē kā kah yi ê leng lâu-hoeh, m̄-koh yi bē kòa-ì, in-ūi in sī yi ê kiáⁿ, m̄-sī pa̍t-lâng ê.

*

Góa ê pak-tó͘ lú lâi lú phòng. Goán ê gín-á tī hia tōa-la̍t iû-tāng, koh that koh sak koh jiàu. Chi̍t-kái tī kong-hn̂g sàn-pō͘, its goán ang tī chi̍t-nî chêng kā góa kiû-hun hit-ê kong-hn̂g, góa ná teh chhoán, ná phiân kàu chi̍t-piⁿ, chhiú mo͘h pak-tó͘, ná ùi chhiù-khí phāng hoah Sió-kiáⁿ (góa án-ne kā chheng-ho͘) tòng-tiām. Góa kūi lo̍h, chhoán phīⁿ-phēⁿ, kiông boeh khàu chhut-lâi. Ū chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘-lâng keng-kòe, hû góa khí-lâi koh hō͘ góa lim-chúi, kā góa kóng, tē-it thai chóng-sī siōng kan-khó͘.

Góa ê sin-thé hoat-seng góa siūⁿ bē-kàu ê piàn-hòa -- góa ê leng tiùⁿ koh sio, góa ê pak-tó͘ ū chi̍t-sûn chi̍t-sûn ê pe̍h-pan, chhiūⁿ hó͘-phôe ê tian-tò-péng. Góa kám-kak ná koài-bu̍t, m̄-koh goán ang ná chhiūⁿ ū sin ê giàn, bē-su chit-ê sin ê thé-hêng ē-tàng chhòng-chō goán ê sin koài-chiau. Góa ê sin-thé chò-chhut hoán-èng: tī chhiau-kip chhī-tiûⁿ pâi-tūi, tī kàu-tn̂g niá sèng-chhan, góa chhut-hiān sin koh béng ê giàn, sió-khóa tāng tio̍h, tō tâm koh chéng. Ta̍k-kang kàu chhù ê sî, goán ang sim-lāi ū chi̍t-kōaⁿ giàn boeh ùi góa tit-tio̍h ê tāi-chì, góa mā goān-ì boán-chiok i, sīm-chì khah chē.

-- Góa sī siōng hó-ūn ê lâng, i kóng, chhiú ná so góa ê pak-tó͘.

Chá-khí, i chim góa, bong góa, ū-sî tī lim kapi phòe sio̍k-pháng chìn-chêng seng iōng góa kòe-giàn. I ta̍h chhun-thiⁿ ê kha-pō͘ khì siōng-pan. Tńg-lâi ê sî, i tit tio̍h thê-seng, āu-lâi iū chi̍t-kái. I kóng, tio̍h ūi ka-têng thàn khah chē chîⁿ. Ūi lán ê hēng-hok thàn khah chē chîⁿ.

*

Góa tán boeh seⁿ 20 tiám-cheng. Góa kiông boeh khiú tn̄g goán ang ê chhiú, ai pē kiò bú, án-ne hō͘-sū ká-ná mā bô iàu bô kín. Góa khak-tēng góa ê chhùi-khí bôa kah boeh piàn hún ah. I-seng khòaⁿ góa ê kha-phāng-ē, i ê pe̍h ba̍k-bâi tī hia̍h-thâu niàu chi̍t-ê góa khòaⁿ bô ê àm-hō.

-- Tàu-té sī án-nóa ah? góa mn̄g.

-- Góa khòaⁿ che m̄-sī móa-ì ê chū-jiân seng-sán, i-seng kóng. Khó-lêng su-iàu chhiú-su̍t.

-- Oh, m̄-thang, góa kóng. Góa bô hi-bāng án-ne, pài-thok.

-- Nā koh bô tōng-chēng, goán tō ài lâi chò. i-seng kóng. Án-ne khó-lêng tùi ta̍k-lâng lóng hó. I gia̍h thâu, góa chha-put-to ē-tàng khak-tēng, i kā goán ang sái chi̍t-ê ba̍k-sek. Teh thiàⁿ hō͘ lâng khòaⁿ mi̍h-kiāⁿ kap pêng-siông bô kāng.

Góa tī sim-lāi kap Sió-kiáⁿ chò chi̍t-ê kau-ōaⁿ. Sió-kiáⁿ ah, góa án-ne siūⁿ, che sī lí kap góa sio-liâm ê chòe-āu chi̍t-kái. Chhiaⁿ m̄-thang hō͘ in kā lí ùi góa chia koah lo̍h-lâi.

20 hun-cheng liáu-āu, Sió-kiáⁿ chhut-sì ah. In iáu sī su-iàu koah-khui, m̄-koh m̄-sī góa só͘ kiaⁿ ê án-ne koah góa ê pak-tó͘. I-seng koah lo̍h, m̄-koh góa bô siáⁿ kám-kak, kan-ta kám-kak teh thoa, hoān-sè he sī in chò hō͘ góa ê kám-kak. Gín-á khǹg tī góa ê chhiú ê sî, góa ùi thâu kàu kha chéng-thâu-á siông-sè khòaⁿ i he jiâu-jiâu ê sin-khu, he ji̍t-lo̍h âng-hê, ū âng-sek tiâu-bûn ê phôe-hu.

 Bô si-tòa. Chi̍t-ê cha-po͘ gín-á. Góa khai-sí háu, kā bōe chò kì-hō ê eⁿ-á ân-ân phō tī heng-chêng.

 (Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ kau hō͘ thiaⁿ-chiòng chi̍t-ki siah-phôe to, chhiáⁿ in chhiat-khui lí ê kí-cháiⁿ kap tōa-pû-ong tiong-kan ê chhiú-lia̍h-phôe. Jiân-āu, kā in soeh-siā.)

*

Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ khai-sí seⁿ-kiáⁿ ê sî, yi ê chú-tī i-su chin thiám. Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê pún-sin í-chá tō sī chá-sán ê gín-á. Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ kā gín-á phō siuⁿ ân, in soah tio̍h kā chhiat-khui lâi chhú gín-á. Ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū kóng, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ thiaⁿ tio̍h, chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ thau-thau seⁿ lông ê iù-kiáⁿ ê kò͘-sū. Chiah-ê kò͘-sū án-ne cháu chò-hóe, ná chhiūⁿ hō͘-chúi tih lo̍h chúi-tî. In kok-chū ùi hûn chhut-sì, m̄-koh it-tàn in cháu chò-hóe, lán bô hoat-tō͘ koh kā hun-khui.

(Lí nā tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k chit-ê kò͘-sū, chhiáⁿ kā thang-á-lî sak khui, kā in soeh-bêng chòe-āu chit-tiám. Ē lo̍h-hō͘, góa pó-chèng.)

- -

4. 我 ê 腹肚 lú 來 lú 膨

有一个我佮意 ê 故事, 是有關一對去拓荒 ê 翁仔某去予野狼咬死. 厝邊發現 in ê 死體裂破, 散翸翸 tī 柴厝四周, m̄-koh lóng 無揣著 in ê 細漢 chă 嬰仔, 毋知生 a̍h 死. 後來, 有人講, 有看著 chă 囡仔和狼陣同齊 teh 走, ná 像野狼 án-ne 野 koh 猛拋走 tī 荒野.

有關她 ê 消息 tī 當地傳開. 她 bat tī 一个寒天 tī 樹林威脅一个拍獵 ê -- 看著彼个無穿衫 ê 細漢 chă 囡仔對伊齴牙 koh âu 叫, 凡勢伊 ê 著驚較大過受威脅. 一个少年查某攻擊一隻馬. 有人甚至看著她 tī 雞毛四散中間拆食一隻雞.

幾年了後, 聽講有人看著她 tī 溪岸 ê 菅芒中間歇睏, teh kā 兩隻幼囝飼奶. 我佮意 án-ne 想, 彼是她生 ê, 狼 ê 血統這改透濫著人 ê. In 當然會咬 kah 她 ê 奶流血, m̄-koh 她袂掛意, in-ūi in 是她 ê 囝, 毋是別人 ê.

*

我 ê 腹肚 lú 來 lú 膨. 阮 ê 囡仔 tī hia 大力游動, koh 踢 koh 捒 koh jiàu. 一改 tī 公園散步, its 阮翁 tī 一年前 kā 我求婚彼个公園, 我 ná teh 喘, ná 蹁到一邊, 手 mo͘h 腹肚, ná ùi 喙齒縫喝小囝 (我 án-ne kā 稱呼) 擋恬. 我跪落, 喘 phīⁿ-phēⁿ, 強欲哭出來. 有一个查某人經過, 扶我起來 koh 予我啉水, kā 我講, 第一胎總是上艱苦.

我 ê 身體發生我想袂到 ê 變化 -- 我 ê 奶脹 koh 燒, 我 ê 腹肚有一巡一巡 ê 白斑, 像虎皮 ê 顛倒 péng. 我感覺 ná 怪物, m̄-koh 阮翁 ná 像有新 ê 癮, 袂輸這个新 ê 體型會當創造阮 ê 新怪招. 我 ê 身體做出反應: tī 超級市場排隊, tī 教堂領聖餐, 我出現新 koh 猛 ê 癮, 小可動著, tō 澹 koh 腫. 逐工到厝 ê 時, 阮翁心內有一捾癮欲 ùi 我得著 ê 代誌, 我 mā 願意滿足伊, 甚至較濟.

-- 我是上好運 ê 人, 伊講, 手 ná 挲我 ê 腹肚.

早起, 伊唚我, 摸我, 有時 tī 啉 kapi 配俗 pháng 進前先用我過癮. 伊踏春天 ê 跤步去上班. 轉來 ê 時, 伊得著提升, 後來又一改. 伊講, 著為家庭趁較濟錢. 為咱 ê 幸福趁較濟錢.

*

我等欲生 20 點鐘. 我強欲搝斷阮翁 ê 手, 哀爸叫母, án-ne 護士 ká-ná mā 無要無緊. 我確定我 ê 喙齒磨 kah 欲變粉 ah. 醫生看我 ê 跤縫下, 伊 ê 白目眉 tī 額頭 niàu 一个我看無 ê 暗號.

-- 到底是 án-nóa ah? 我問.

-- 我看這毋是滿意 ê 自然生產, 醫生講. 可能需要手術.

-- Oh, 毋通, 我講. 我無希望 án-ne, 拜託.

-- 若 koh 無動靜, 阮 tō 愛來做. 醫生講. Án-ne 可能對逐人 lóng 好. 伊攑頭, 我差不多會當確定, 伊 kā 阮翁使一个目色. Teh 疼予人看物件 kap 平常無仝.

我 tī 心內 kap 小囝做一个交換. 小囝 ah, 我 án-ne 想, 這是你 kap 我相黏 ê 最後一改. 請毋通予 in kā 你 ùi 我 chia 割落來.

20 分鐘了後, 小囝出世 ah. In 猶是需要割開, m̄-koh 毋是我所驚 ê án-ne 割我 ê 腹肚. 醫生割落, m̄-koh 我無啥感覺, 干焦感覺 teh 拖, 凡勢彼是 in 做予我 ê 感覺. 囡仔囥 tī 我 ê 手 ê 時, 我 ùi 頭到跤指頭仔詳細看伊 he 皺皺 ê 身軀, he 日落紅霞, 有紅色條紋 ê 皮膚.

 無絲帶. 一个查埔囡仔. 我開始吼, kā 未做記號 ê 嬰仔絚絚抱 tī 胸前.

 (你若大聲讀這个故事, 請交予聽眾一支削皮刀, 請 in 切開你 ê kí-cháiⁿ kap 大垺翁中間 ê chhiú-lia̍h 皮. 然後, kā in 說謝.)

*

有一个故事講, 一个查某開始生囝 ê 時, 她 ê 主治醫師真忝. 有一个故事講, 一个本身以早 tō 是早產 ê 囡仔. 有一个故事講, 一个查某 kā 囡仔抱 siuⁿ 絚, in 煞著 kā 切開來取囡仔. 有一个故事講, 一个查某聽著, 一个查某偷偷生狼 ê 幼囝 ê 故事. Chiah-ê 故事 án-ne 走做伙, ná 像雨水滴落水池. In 各自 ùi 雲出世, m̄-koh 一旦 in 走做伙, 咱無法度 koh kā 分開.

(你若大聲讀這个故事, 請 kā 窗仔簾捒開, kā in 說明最後這點. 會落雨, 我保證.)

- -

4.

There is a story I love about a pioneer husband and wife killed by wolves. Neighbours found their bodies torn open and strewn around their tiny cabin, but never located their infant daughter, alive or dead. People claimed they saw the girl running with a wolf pack, loping over the terrain as wild and feral as any of her companions.

News of her would ripple through the local settlements. She menaced a hunter in a winter forest – though perhaps he was less menaced than startled at a tiny naked girl baring her teeth and howling. A young woman trying to take down a horse. People even saw her ripping open a chicken in an explosion of feathers.

Many years later, she was said to be seen resting in the rushes along a riverbank, suckling two wolf cubs. I like to imagine that they came from her body, the lineage of wolves tainted human just the once. They certainly bloodied her breasts, but she did not mind because they were hers and only hers.

*

My stomach swells. Inside of me, our child is swimming fiercely, kicking and pushing and clawing. On a walk in the park, the same park where my husband had proposed to me the year before, I gasp and stagger to the side, clutching my belly and hissing through my teeth to Little One, as I call it, to stop. I go to my knees, breathing heavily and near weeping. A woman passing by helps me to sit up and gives me some water, telling me that the first pregnancy is always the worst.

My body changes in ways I do not expect – my breasts are large, swollen and hot, my stomach lined with pale marks, the inverse of a tiger’s. I feel monstrous, but my husband seems renewed with desire, as if my novel shape has refreshed our list of perversities. And my body responds: in the line at the supermarket, receiving communion in church, I am marked by a new and ferocious want, leaving me slippery and swollen at the slightest provocation. When he comes home each day, my husband has a list in his mind of things he desires from me, and I am willing to provide them and more.

– I am the luckiest man alive, he says, running his hands across my stomach.

In the mornings, he kisses me and fondles me and sometimes takes me before his coffee and toast. He goes to work with a spring in his step. He comes home with one promotion, and then another. More money for my family, he says. More money for our happiness.

*

I am in labour for twenty hours. I nearly wrench off my husband’s hand, howling obscenities that do not seem to shock the nurse. I am certain I will crush my own teeth to powder. The doctor peers down between my legs, his white eyebrows making unreadable Morse code across his forehead.

– What’s happening? I ask.

– I’m not satisfied this will be a natural birth, the doctor says. Surgery may be necessary.

– No, please, I say. I don’t want that, please.

– If there’s no movement soon, we’re going to do it, the doctor says. It might be best for everyone. He looks up and I am almost certain he winks at my husband, but pain makes the mind see things differently than they are.

I make a deal with Little One, in my mind. Little One, I think, this is the last time that we are going to be just you and me. Please don’t make them cut you out of me.

Little One is born twenty minutes later. They do have to make a cut, but not across my stomach as I had feared. The doctor cuts down, and I feel little, just tugging, though perhaps it is what they have given me. When the baby is placed in my arms, I examine the wrinkled body from head to toe, the colour of a sunset sky, and streaked in red.

No ribbon. A boy. I begin to weep, and curl the unmarked baby into my chest.

(If you are reading this story out loud, give a paring knife to the listener and ask them to cut the tender flap of skin between your index finger and thumb. Afterwards, thank them.)

*

There is a story about a woman who goes into labour when the attending physician is tired. There is a story about a woman who herself was born too early. There is a story about a woman whose body clung to her child so hard they cut her to retrieve him. There is a story about a woman who heard a story about a woman who birthed wolf cubs in secret. Stories have this way of running together like raindrops in a pond. They are each borne from the clouds separately, but once they have come together, there is no way to tell them apart.

(If you are reading this story out loud, move aside the curtain to illustrate this final point to your listeners. It’ll be raining, I promise.)

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