6. 乖囝, 你那 m̄ 和我講話?

6. Koai-kiáⁿ, lí ná m̄ hām góa kóng-ōe?

Āu-lâi, tī 1966 nî hoat-seng Bûn-hòa Tōa Kek-bēng. Chhù-piⁿ piàⁿ chhù-piⁿ, hiaⁿ-tī hāi hiaⁿ-tī. Ū-lâng kì-khí goán lāu-bú ê sió-tī chá tī 1946 nî khì Hong Kong, tī hia chò seng-lí. Ū chhin-chiâⁿ tī Hong Kong, tāi-piáu goán sī kàn-tia̍p, sī jîn-bîn ê te̍k-jîn, goán tio̍h bīn-tùi kok-chióng ê tàu-cheng. Lín khó-liân ê amá -- bē kham-tit siū ge̍k-thāi, tō thiàu-chéⁿ chū-sat. Āu-lâi, kúi-ê chah la̍h-chhèng ê siàu-liân-ke thoa lín akong ji̍p chhiū-nâ, choăn i bô koh tńg-lâi.

Chū án-ne, góa chiâⁿ-chò chi̍t-ê 10 hòe ê ko͘-jî. Góa tī sè-kài siōng ûi-it ê chhin-chiâⁿ tō sī tī Hong Kong ê akū. Chi̍t-àm, góa liu chhut-lâi, peh chiūⁿ óng-lâm ê chi̍t-lia̍t hòe-bu̍t-á hóe-chhia.

Kúi-kang liáu-āu, lâi kàu Guangdong Séng, kúi-ê lâng lia̍h tio̍h góa thau chia̍h hn̂g-nih ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Thiaⁿ kóng góa boeh khì Hong Kong, in lóng chhiò chhut-lâi. "Lí chiâⁿ hó-ūn. Goán choan-bûn chò chhōa chă gín-á khì Hong Kong ê seng-lí."

In kā góa chhàng tī chi̍t-tâi traku ē-té, hām kî-thaⁿ cha-bó͘ gín-á, kā goán cháu-su chhut pian-kài.

Goán hông chhōa lâi chi̍t-ê tē-hā-sek, kiò goán khiā khí-lâi, tio̍h hō͘ lâi bé ê lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h kiāⁿ koh khiáu. Chi̍t-kóa ka-têng hù-chîⁿ hō͘ chhng-khò͘, ji̍p-lâi khòaⁿ goán, ùi goán tiong-kan kéng chi̍t-ê khì "niá-ióng."

Chin ka kéng góa lâi khòaⁿ-kò͘ in nn̄g-ê kiáⁿ. Góa ta̍k-kang 4 tiám khí-lâi khoán chá-tǹg. Góa kā hit nn̄g-ê gín-á chhī-pn̄g, sé sin-khu. Góa khì bé chhài. Góa sé-saⁿ, sàu thô͘-kha. Góa kā gín-á tòe tiâu-tiâu, thiaⁿ in ê hoan-hù. Àm-sî, góa hông só tī chàu-kha ê chi̍t-ê tû-á nih khùn. Góa nā siuⁿ bān, a̍h sī chò m̄-tio̍h, góa ē hông phah. Nn̄g-ê gín-á nā ū chò siáⁿ m̄-tio̍h, hông phah ê sī góa. Góa nā hông lia̍h tio̍h siūⁿ boeh o̍h Eng-gí, tō ē hông phah.

"Sī án-nóa lí siūⁿ boeh o̍h Eng-gí?" Chin Ss mn̄g. "Lí siūⁿ boeh chhōe kéng-chhat? Goán ē kā kéng-chhat kóng lí sī hui-hoat lâi Hong Kong ê tāi-lio̍k lâng. In tio̍h ē kā lí koaiⁿ ji̍p kàm-ga̍k."

Góa án-ne seng-oa̍h 6-nî. Chi̍t-kang, chi̍t-ê tī chá-chhī bē hî hō͘ góa ê lāu cha-bó͘-lâng kā góa khiú kàu piⁿ-á.

"Góa chai lí chit-khoán chă gín-á. Lí taⁿ kúi-hòe ah, 16? Ū chi̍t-kang, lín thâu-ke ē lim chiú-chùi, i ē kim-kim khòaⁿ lí, kā lí khiú kòe khì, lí bô hoat-tō͘ kā chó͘-tòng. In bó͘ ē hoat-hiān, chū án-ne lí ē kám-kak ka-tī lâi kàu tē-ga̍k. Lí tio̍h lī-khui chit-chióng seng-oa̍h. Góa chai ū-lâng ē-tàng tàu saⁿ-kāng."

Yi kóng, ū chi̍t-kóa Bí-kok cha-po͘ siūⁿ boeh chhōa Asia cha-bó͘. Chí-iàu góa ē-hiáu chú-chia̍h, piàⁿ-sàu, kap chiàu-kò͘ goán ê Bi-kok ang, i tō ē-tàng hō͘ góa chi̍t-ê chin hó ê seng-oa̍h. Che sī góa ûi-it ê hi-bāng. Tō sī án-ne, góa chham tio̍h hiah-ê pe̍h-chha̍t-ōe chhut-hiān tī hit-ê bo̍k-lo̍k, koh tú tio̍h lín lāu-pē. Che m̄-sī siáⁿ romantic kò͘-sū, m̄-koh sī góa chin-si̍t ê kò͘-sū.

Tī Connecticut ê kau-gōa, góa chin ko͘-toaⁿ. Lín lāu-pē tùi góa chin jîn-chû, un-hô, góa chin kám-siā i. M̄-koh, bô lâng liáu-kái góa, góa siáⁿ lóng m̄-chai.

Lo̍h-bóe, lí chhut-sì ah! Góa khòaⁿ lí ê bīn, khòaⁿ tio̍h goán lāu-bú, goán lāu-pē, kap góa ka-tī ê iáⁿ, góa chin-chiàⁿ hoaⁿ-hí. Góa í-keng sit-khì góa choân-pō͘ ê ka-têng, sit-khì kui-ê Sigulu, sit-khì góa só͘ chai-iáⁿ, só͘ ài ê it-chhè. M̄-koh, ū lí tī leh, lí ê bīn chèng-bêng hiah-ê sī chin-si̍t ê. Hiah-ê m̄-sī góa pian chhut-lâi ê.

Taⁿ, góa ū chi̍t-ê kóng-ōe ê tùi-siōng. Góa ē kà lí góa ê gí-giân, lán ē-tàng chò-hóe kā góa só͘ kah-ì ê kap só͘ sit-khì ê ta̍k-hāng sió mi̍h-kiāⁿ koh chò tńg-lâi. Lí tùi góa kóng-chhut lí ê tē-it kù ōe, kō͘ hām goán lāu-bú mā hām góa kāng siaⁿ-tiāu ê China-ōe, góa kám-sim kah háu kúi-ā tiám-cheng. Góa chò tē-it ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t hō͘ lí ê sî, lí chhiò chhut-lâi, góa kám-kak sè-kài bô siáⁿ su-iàu chhau-hoân ah lah.

Lí khah tōa-hàn ah, taⁿ lí sīm-chì ē-tàng tàu kha-chhiú hō͘ lín lāu-pē hām góa hō͘-siong kau-tâm. Taⁿ góa kám-kak che sī chin-chiàⁿ ê ka-têng ah. Góa chin-chiàⁿ ū chhōe-tio̍h hó ê seng-oa̍h. Góa siūⁿ, goán pē-bú nā ē-tàng tī chia, góa tō ē-tàng ūi in chú-pn̄g, mā hō͘ in ū hó ê seng-oa̍h lah. M̄-koh, góa pē-bú í-keng bô tī-leh ah. Lí kám chai-iáⁿ, China-lâng jīn-ûi sè-kài siōng tē-it siong-sim ê tāi-chì sī siáⁿ? He tō sī, gín-á chiong-kî-bóe ū ì-goān boeh chiàu-kò͘ pē-bú, soah hoat-hiān pē-bú chá tō bô tī sè-kan ah lah.

Koai-kiáⁿ, góa chai lí bô kah-ì lí ê China ba̍k-chiu, he mā sī góa ê ba̍k-chiu. Góa chai, lí bô kah-ì lí ê China thâu-chang, he mā sī góa ê thâu-chang. M̄-koh, lí kám ē-tàng liáu-kái, lí só͘ chûn-chāi ê it-chhè, hō͘ góa gōa tōa ê hoaⁿ-hí bô? Lí kám ē-tàng liáu-kái, lí m̄ koh kap góa kóng-ōe, mā m̄-chún góa hām lí kóng China-ōe, góa ê kám-kak sī án-nóa? Góa kám-kak, góa iū-koh teh sit-khì it-chhè ah lah.

Koai-kiáⁿ, lí ná m̄ hām góa kóng-ōe? Chit-chióng thòng-khó͘ hō͘ góa siá bē lo̍h-pit ah.

==

#

Hit-ê sió-chiá kā chóa koh hêng góa. Góa bô-bīn gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ yi.

Ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ-kē, góa chhiáⁿ yi tī Ma ê phe ē-bīn siá ai chit-ê Hàn-jī. Góa chi̍t-piàn koh chi̍t-piàn tī chóa téng-bīn o̍h siá hit-ê jī, kā góa ê jī kap yi siá ê ōe kau-chhap chò-hóe.

Hit-ê sió-chiá chhun-chhiú phok góa ê keng-thâu. Jiân-āu yi khiā khí-lâi, lī-khui, lâu góa ka-tī hām goán lāu-bú tī hia.

 Tòe goân-lâi ê áu-hûn, góa koh kā chóa áu tò-tńg Laohu. Góa kā phō tī chhiú-khiau, i ná teh chhut hm̄ siaⁿ ê sî, góa khai-sí kiâⁿ tńg chhù.

(Soah)

--

6. 乖囝, 你那 m̄ 和我講話? 

後來, tī 1966 年發生文化大革命. 厝邊拚厝邊, 兄弟害兄弟. 有人記起阮老母 ê 小弟早 tī 1946 年去 Hong Kong, tī hia 做生理. 有親情 tī Hong Kong, 代表阮是間諜, 是人民 ê 敵人, 阮著面對各種 ê 鬥爭. 恁可憐 ê 阿媽 -- 袂堪得受虐待, tō 跳井自殺. 後來, 幾个扎獵銃 ê 少年家拖恁阿公入樹林, choăn伊無 koh 轉來.

自 án-ne, 我成做一个 10 歲 ê 孤兒. 我 tī 世界上唯一 ê 親情就是 tī Hong Kong ê 阿舅. 一暗, 我溜出來, peh 上往南 ê 一列貨物仔火車.

幾工了後, 來到 Guangdong 省, 幾个人掠著我偷食園 nih ê 物件. 聽講我欲去 Hong Kong, in 攏笑出來. "你誠好運. 阮專門做 chhōa chă 囡仔去 Hong Kong ê 生理."

In kā 我藏 tī 一台 traku 下底, 和其他查某囡仔, kā 阮走私出邊界.

阮 hông chhōa 來一个地下室, 叫阮徛起來, 著予來買 ê 人看著健 koh 巧. 一寡家庭付錢予倉庫, 入來看阮, ùi 阮中間揀一个去 "領養."

Chin 家揀我來看顧 in 兩个囝. 我逐工 4 點起來款早頓. 我 kā 彼兩个囡仔飼飯, 洗身軀. 我去買菜. 我洗衫, 掃塗跤. 我 kā 囡仔綴牢牢, 聽 in ê 吩咐. 暗時, 我 hông 鎖 tī 灶跤 ê 一个櫥仔 nih 睏. 我若 siuⁿ 慢, a̍h 是做毋著, 我會 hông 拍. 兩个囡仔若有做啥毋著, hông 拍 ê 是我. 我若 hông 掠著想欲學英語, tō 會 hông 拍.

"是按怎你想欲學英語?" Chin Ss 問. "你想欲揣警察? 阮會 kā 警察講你是非法來 Hong Kong ê 大陸人. In 著會 kā 你關入監獄."

我 án-ne 生活 6 年. 一工, 一个 tī 早市賣魚予我 ê 老查某人 kā 我搝到邊仔.

"我知你這款 chă 囡仔. 你今幾歲 ah, 16? 有一工, 恁頭家會啉酒醉, 伊會金金看你, kā 你搝過去, 你無法度 kā 阻擋. In 某會發現, 自 án-ne 你會感覺家治來到地獄. 你著離開這種生活. 我知有人會當鬥相共."

她講, 有一寡美國查埔想欲娶 Asia 查某. 只要我會曉煮食, 拚掃, kap 照顧阮 ê 美國翁, 伊 tō 會當予我一个真好 ê 生活. 這是我唯一 ê 希望. 就是 án-ne, 我參著 hiah-ê 白賊話出現 tī 彼个目錄, koh 拄著恁老爸. 這毋是啥 romantic 故事, 毋過是我真實 ê 故事.

Tī Connecticut ê 郊外, 我真孤單. 恁老爸對我真仁慈, 溫和, 我真感謝伊. 毋過, 無人了解我, 我啥攏毋知.

落尾, 你出世 ah! 我看你 ê 面, 看著阮老母, 阮老爸, kap 我家治 ê 影, 我真正歡喜. 我已經失去我全部 ê 家庭, 失去規个 Sigulu, 失去我所知影, 所愛 ê 一切. 毋過, 有你 tī leh, 你 ê 面證明 hiah-ê 是真實 ê. Hiah-ê 毋是我編出來 ê.

今, 我有一个講話 ê 對象. 我會教你我 ê 語言, 咱會當做伙 kā 我所佮意 ê kap 所失去 ê 逐項小物件 koh 做轉來. 你對我講出你 ê 第一句話, kō͘ 和阮老母 mā 和我仝聲調 ê China 話, 我感心 kah 吼幾若點鐘. 我做第一个拗紙動物予你 ê 時, 你笑出來, 我感覺世界無啥需要操煩 ah lah.

你較大漢 ah, 今你甚至會當鬥跤手予恁老爸和我互相交談. 今我感覺這是真正 ê 家庭 ah. 我真正有揣著好 ê 生活. 我想, 阮爸母若會當 tī chia, 我 tō 會當為 in 煮飯, mā 予 in 有好 ê 生活 lah. 毋過, 我爸母已經無 tī-leh ah. 你敢知影, China 人認為世界上第一傷心 ê 代誌是啥? 彼 tō 是, 囡仔終其尾有意願欲照顧爸母, 煞發現爸母早 tō 無 tī 世間 ah lah.

乖囝, 我知你無佮意你 ê China 目睭, 彼 mā 是我 ê 目睭. 我知, 你無佮意你 ê China 頭鬃, 彼 mā 是我 ê 頭鬃. 毋過, 你敢會當了解, 你所存在 ê 一切, 予我偌大 ê 歡喜無? 你敢會當了解, 你毋 koh kap 我講話, mā 毋准我和你講 China 話, 我 ê 感覺是按怎? 我感覺, 我又閣 teh 失去一切 ah lah.

乖囝, 你那 m̄ 和我講話? 這種痛苦予我寫袂落筆 ah.

==

#

彼个小姐 kā 紙 koh 還我. 我無面攑目看她.

目睭看低, 我請她 tī Ma ê 批下面寫 ai 這个漢字. 我一遍 koh 一遍 tī 紙頂面學寫彼个字, kā 我 ê 字 kap 她寫 ê 話交插做伙.

彼个小姐伸手撲我 ê 肩頭. 然後她徛起來, 離開, 留我家治和阮老母 tī hia.

 綴原來 ê 拗痕, 我 koh kā 紙拗倒轉 Laohu. 我 kā 抱 tī 手曲, 伊 ná teh 出 hm̄ 聲 ê 時, 我開始行轉厝. 

(煞)

--

6.

Then came the Cultural Revolution in 1966. Neighbor turned on neighbor, and brother against brother. Someone remembered that my mother's brother, my uncle, had left for Hong Kong back in 1946, and became a merchant there. Having a relative in Hong Kong meant we were spies and enemies of the people, and we had to be struggled against in every way. Your poor grandmother — she couldn't take the abuse and threw herself down a well. Then some boys with hunting muskets dragged your grandfather away one day into the woods, and he never came back.

There I was, a ten-year-old orphan. The only relative I had in the world was my uncle in Hong Kong. I snuck away one night and climbed onto a freight train going south.

Down in Guangdong Province a few days later, some men caught me stealing food from a field. When they heard that I was trying to get to Hong Kong, they laughed. "It's your lucky day. Our trade is to bring girls to Hong Kong."

They hid me in the bottom of a truck along with other girls, and smuggled us across the border.

We were taken to a basement and told to stand up and look healthy and intelligent for the buyers. Families paid the warehouse a fee and came by to look us over and select one of us to "adopt."

The Chin family picked me to take care of their two boys. I got up every morning at four to prepare breakfast. I fed and bathed the boys. I shopped for food. I did the laundry and swept the floors. I followed the boys around and did their bidding. At night I was locked into a cupboard in the kitchen to sleep. If I was slow or did anything wrong I was beaten. If the boys did anything wrong I was beaten. If I was caught trying to learn English I was beaten.

"Why do you want to learn English?" Mr. Chin asked. "You want to go to the police? We'll tell the police that you are a mainlander illegally in Hong Kong. They'd love to have you in their prison."

Six years I lived like this. One day, an old woman who sold fish to me in the morning market pulled me aside.

"I know girls like you. How old are you now, sixteen? One day, the man who owns you will get drunk, and he'll look at you and pull you to him and you can't stop him. The wife will find out, and then you will think you really have gone to hell. You have to get out of this life. I know someone who can help."

She told me about American men who wanted Asian wives. If I can cook, clean, and take care of my American husband, he'll give me a good life. It was the only hope I had. And that was how I got into the catalog with all those lies and met your father. It is not a very romantic story, but it is my story.

In the suburbs of Connecticut, I was lonely. Your father was kind and gentle with me, and I was very grateful to him. But no one understood me, and I understood nothing.

But then you were born! I was so happy when I looked into your face and saw shades of my mother, my father, and myself. I had lost my entire family, all of Sigulu, everything I ever knew and loved. But there you were, and your face was proof that they were real. I hadn't made them up.

Now I had someone to talk to. I would teach you my language, and we could together remake a small piece of everything that I loved and lost. When you said your first words to me, in Chinese that had the same accent as my mother and me, I cried for hours. When I made the first zhezhi animals for you, and you laughed, I felt there were no worries in the world.

You grew up a little, and now you could even help your father and I talk to each other. I was really at home now. I finally found a good life. I wished my parents could be here, so that I could cook for them, and give them a good life too. But my parents were no longer around. You know what the Chinese think is the saddest feeling in the world? It's for a child to finally grow the desire to take care of his parents, only to realize that they were long gone.

Son, I know that you do not like your Chinese eyes, which are my eyes. I know that you do not like your Chinese hair, which is my hair. But can you understand how much joy your very existence brought to me? And can you understand how it felt when you stopped talking to me and won't let me talk to you in Chinese? I felt I was losing everything all over again.

Why won't you talk to me, son? The pain makes it hard to write.

==

#

The young woman handed the paper back to me. I could not bear to look into her face.

Without looking up, I asked for her help in tracing out the character for ai on the paper below Mom's letter. I wrote the character again and again on the paper, intertwining my pen strokes with her words.

The young woman reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. Then she got up and left, leaving me alone with my mother.

Following the creases, I refolded the paper back into Laohu. I cradled him in the crook of my arm, and as he purred, we began the walk home.

--

//

Copyright (c) 2011 Ken Liu, first published in THE MAGAZINE OF FANTASY & SCIENCE FICTION, Mar/Apr. 2011.

5. Ma 死了, Pa 老真緊

5. Ma sí liáu, Pa lāu chin kín

Ma sí liáu, Pa lāu kah chin kín. Chhù tùi i siuⁿ tōa, tio̍h kā bē tiāu. Goán lú-pêng-iú Susan hām góa lâi pang i khoán-pau, piàⁿ-sàu.

Susan tī lâu-kông hoat-hiān ê-a̍p-á. Hiah-ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t-á chhàng tī bô keh-joa̍h ê lâu-kông o͘-àm tiong hiah kú, í-keng piàn kah chin chhè, chhiⁿ-chhioh ê pau-chong chóa tô͘-iūⁿ í-keng thè-sek.

"Góa m̄-bat khòaⁿ kòe chit-khoán ê origami," Susan kóng. "Lín mama sī chi̍t-ê liáu-put-khí ê gē-su̍t-ka."

Chiah-ê chóa tōng-bu̍t bē tín-tāng. Hoān-sè tī Ma sí liáu, hō͘ in oa̍h-thiàu ê bó͘-chióng mô͘-hoat thêng-chí ah. A̍h sī, hoān-sè he chí-sī góa ê sióng-siōng, siūⁿ-kóng chiah-ê chóa ê ki-koan sī oa̍h ê. Gín-á sî ê kì-tî bē-sìn-tit.

#

He sī sì-goe̍h tē-it ê chiu-boa̍t, Ma kòe-sin 2 nî āu. Susan chhut siâⁿ chò yi he koán-lí kò͘-būn kiâⁿ bē-liáu ê hêng-têng, góa tī chhù, lán-lán teh se̍h TV pîn-tō.

Góa thêng tī chi̍t-ê iú-koan soa-hî ê kì-lo̍k phìⁿ. Hut-jiân, tī sim-nih góa khòaⁿ tio̍h Ma ê siang-chhiú teh áu siah-chóa, áu chi̍t-bóe soa-hî hō͘ góa, Laohu hām góa tī piⁿ-á khòaⁿ.

Chi̍t-chūn sa-sa ê siaⁿ. Góa gia̍h-ba̍k khòaⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-oân pau-chong chóa kap liah-khui ê ka-pò͘ tī chheh-tû piⁿ ê tē-pán téng. Góa kiâⁿ kòe, boeh kā khioh-ji̍p pùn-sò tháng.

Chóa-oân liàn chi̍t-ē, ka-tī thián-khui, góa hoat-hiān he sī Laohu, góa í-keng chin kú bô siūⁿ tio̍h i ah. "Rawrr-sa." Ma tiāⁿ-tio̍h tī góa hòng-khì liáu koh kā kô͘ hó-sè.

I pí góa kì-tî tiong ê khah sè. A̍h sī, hoān-sè in-ūi hit-sî góa ê kûn-thâu-bú khah sè.

Susan kā chiah-ê chóa tōng-bu̍t khǹg tī goán ê kong-gū chò chong-sek. Yi hoān-sè kā Laohu khǹg tī chi̍t-ê khah iap-thiap ê só͘-chāi, in-ūi i khòaⁿ tio̍h chin làu-chhē.

Góa chē lo̍h tē-pán, chhun chhut chi̍t-ki chéng-thâu-á. Laohu ê bóe tiuh chi̍t-ē, hèng chhih-chhih pà kòe-lâi. Góa chhiò chhut-lâi, ná phok i ê kha-chiah-phiaⁿ. Laohu tī góa ê chhiú-ē chhut hm̄-siaⁿ.

"Lí kīn-lâi hó bô, lāu-hiaⁿ?"

Laohu thêng-chí chò-sńg. I khiā khí-lâi, kō͘ niau-á ê iu-ngá chu-sè thiàu kàu góa ê kha-thúi téng, koh thián-khui ka-tī."

Tī góa ê kha-thúi téng sī chi̍t-tiuⁿ jiâu-jiâu ê pau-chong chóa, té-bīn hiòng téng-koân. Hit-bīn ū ba̍t-ba̍t ê Hàn-jī. Góa m̄-bat o̍h Hàn-jī, m̄-koh góa ē-jīn-tit "koai-kiáⁿ" chit nn̄g jī, siá tī siōng téng-koân, tō ná-chhiūⁿ lí chiap tio̍h ê phe siá lí ê miâ ê ūi, he sī Ma siá ê jī, oai-oai chhōa-chhōa ná chhiūⁿ gín-á siá ê.

Góa khì kō͘ tiān-náu chhâ Internet. Kin-á-ji̍t sī Chheng-bêng.

#

Góa chah hit-tiuⁿ phe khì chhī tiong-sim, góa chai hia ū thêng China lâi ê lí-hêng-thoân bus. Tú tio̍h iû-kheh, góa tō kā mn̄g, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" Lí ē-hiáu tha̍k China-bûn bô? Góa í-keng chin kú bô kóng China-ōe, góa bô khak-tēng in kám thiaⁿ-ū.

Chi̍t-ê siàu-liân cha-bó͘ goān-ì tàu saⁿ-kāng. Goán tâng-chê chē tī chi̍t-tè tn̂g-í, yi tōa-siaⁿ tha̍k phe hō͘ góa thiaⁿ. Kúi-nî lâi góa it-ti̍t siūⁿ boeh kā pàng bē-kì ê gí-giân koh tńg-lâi ah, góa kám-kak hiah-ê ōe tîm-ji̍p góa ê thé-lāi, thàu-kòe góa ê phôe-hu, thàu-kòe góa ê kut-thâu, it-ti̍t kàu in ân-ân chiⁿ tī góa ê sim-koaⁿ.

#

==

Koai-kiáⁿ,

Lán chin kú bô kóng-ōe ah. Kìⁿ nā góa boeh bong lí, lí tō hiah-nī siū-khì, hō͘ góa ē kiaⁿ. Góa siūⁿ, góa it-ti̍t kám-kak ê thòng-khó͘ hoān-sè sī chin giâm-tiōng ah.

Só͘-í, góa koat-tēng kō͘ siá ê hō͘ lí chai. Góa boeh kā siá tī góa chò hō͘ lí ê chóa tōng-bu̍t nih, he lí kòe-khì chin kah-ì.

Góa tn̄g-khùi liáu, chiah-ê tōng-bu̍t mā bē koh tín-tāng. M̄-koh, góa nā choân-sim siá hō͘ lí, góa tō ē-tàng lâu chi̍t pō͘-hūn ê góa tī chit-tiuⁿ chóa, tī chiah-ê jī. Chū án-ne, lí nā tī Chheng-bêng siūⁿ tio̍h góa, hit-sî sí-chiá ê lêng-hûn ē-tit thàm-bōng chhù-nih ê lâng, lí tō ē-tàng hō͘ góa lâu hō͘ lí ê hit pō͘-hūn koh oa̍h khí-lâi. Góa chò hō͘ lí ê tōng-bu̍t tō ē koh oa̍h-thiàu, cháu-tāng, hop-phok, hit-sî hoān-sè lí tio̍h ē khòaⁿ tio̍h chiah-ê jī ah.

In-ūi góa tio̍h kō͘ choân-sim lâi siá, góa su-iàu kō͘ China-bûn siá hō͘ lí.

Chiah kú í-lâi, góa iáu m̄-bat kā lí kóng góa ê sin-sè. Lí sè-hàn ê sî, góa it-ti̍t teh siūⁿ, tán lí khah tōa-hàn, chiah kā lí kóng chit-ê kò͘-sū, án-ne lí tō ē liáu-kái. M̄-koh, hit-ê ki-hoe it-ti̍t bô lâi.

Góa chhut-sì tī 1957 nî, tī Hebei Séng ê Sigulu Chhun. Lín akong amá lóng chhut-sin sàn-chhiah ka-têng, chhin-chiâⁿ chin chió. Góa chhut-sì bô kúi tang, China tú tio̍h tōa ki-hng, sí-bông 3,000 bān lâng. Góa ê tē-it ê kì-tî sī, chhéⁿ lâi khòaⁿ tio̍h lāu-bú teh chia̍h thô͘ chí-iau, thang kā chi̍t-sut-á mī-hún lâu hō͘ góa.

Āu-lâi, tāi-chì ū khah hó. Sigulu ê áu-chóa gē-su̍t chin ū-miâ, goán lāu-bú kà góa chò áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t, koh hù hō͘ in sèⁿ-miā. Che sī chng-nih ê si̍t-iōng mô͘-hoat. Goán kō͘ chóa chò chiáu-á khì kóaⁿ chhân nih ê chháu-meh, mā chò chóa hó͘ khì kóaⁿ niáu-chhí. Kòe China Sin-nî ê sî, góa hām gín-á phōaⁿ chò âng-sek ê chóa liông. Góa éng-oán ē-kì-tit hiah-ê sè-sè ê liông tī thâu-khak téng poe, kòa chi̍t-kōaⁿ chi̍t-kōaⁿ teh pōng ê phàu-á, kā kòe-khì hit-nî só͘-ū ê pháiⁿ kì-tî kóaⁿ cháu. Lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h mā ē kah-ì che.

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5. Ma 死了, Pa 老真緊

Ma 死了, Pa 老 kah 真緊. 厝對伊 siuⁿ 大, 著 kā 賣掉. 阮女朋友 Susan 和我來幫伊款包, 拚掃.

Susan tī 樓栱發現鞋盒仔. Hiah-ê 拗紙動物仔藏 tī 無隔熱 ê 樓栱烏暗中 hiah 久, 已經變 kah 真脆, 鮮沢 ê 包裝紙圖樣已經退色.

"我毋捌看過這款 ê origami," Susan 講. "恁 mama 是一个了不起 ê 藝術家."

Chiah-ê 紙動物袂振動. 凡勢 tī Ma 死了, 予 in 活跳 ê 某種魔法停止 ah. A̍h 是, 凡勢彼只是我 ê 想像, siūⁿ 講 chiah-ê 紙 ê 機關是活 ê. 囡仔時 ê 記持袂信得.

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彼是四月第一个週末, Ma 過身 2 年後. Susan 出城做她 he 管理顧問袂了 ê 行程, 我 tī 厝, 懶懶 teh 踅 TV 頻道.

我停 tī 一个有關鯊魚 ê 紀錄片. 忽然, tī 心 nih 我看著 Ma ê 雙手 teh 拗錫紙, 拗一尾鯊魚予我, Laohu 和我 tī 邊仔看.

一陣 sa-sa ê 聲. 我攑目看著一丸包裝紙 kap 裂開 ê 膠布 tī 冊櫥邊 ê 地板頂. 我行過, 欲 kā 抾入糞埽桶.

紙丸輾一下, 家治展開, 我發現彼是 Laohu, 我已經真久無想著伊 ah. "Rawrr-sa." Ma 定著 tī 我放棄了 koh kā 糊好勢.

伊比我記持中 ê 較細. A̍h 是, 凡勢因為彼時我 ê 拳頭母較細.

Susan kā chiah-ê 紙動物囥 tī 阮 ê 公寓做裝飾. 她凡勢 kā Laohu 囥 tī 一个較揜貼 ê 所在, 因為伊看著真 làu-chhē.

我坐落地板, 伸出一支指頭仔. Laohu ê 尾搐一下, 興 chhih-chhih 霸過來. 我笑出來, ná 撲伊 ê 尻脊骿. Laohu tī 我 ê 手下出 hm̄ 聲.

"你近來好無, 老兄?"

Laohu 停止做耍. 伊徛起來, kō͘ 貓仔 ê 優雅姿勢跳到我 ê 跤腿頂, koh 展開家治."

Tī 我 ê 跤腿頂是一張皺皺 ê 包裝紙, 底面向頂懸. 彼面有密密 ê 漢字. 我毋捌學漢字, 毋過我會認得 "乖囝" 這兩字, 寫 tī 上頂懸, tō ná 像你接著 ê 批寫你 ê 名 ê 位, 彼是 Ma 寫 ê 字, 歪歪 chhoa̍h-chhoa̍h ná 像囡仔寫 ê.

我去 kō͘ 電腦查 Internet. 今仔日是清明.

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我扎彼張批去市中心, 我知 hia 有停 China 來 ê 旅行團 bus. 拄著遊客, 我 tō kā 問, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" 你會曉讀 China 文無? 我已經真久無講 China 話, 我無確定 in 敢聽有.

一个少年查某願意鬥相共. 阮同齊坐 tī 一塊長椅, 她大聲讀批予我聽. 幾年來我一直想欲 kā 放袂記 ê 語言 koh 轉來 ah, 我感覺 hiah-ê 話沉入我 ê 體內, 透過我 ê 皮膚, 透過我 ê 骨頭, 一直到 in 絚絚櫼 tī 我 ê 心肝.

#

==

乖囝,

咱真久無講話 ah. 見若我欲摸你, 你 tō hiah-nī 受氣, 予我會驚. 我想, 我一直感覺 ê 痛苦凡勢是真嚴重 ah.

所以, 我決定 kō͘ 寫 ê 予你知. 我欲 kā 寫 tī 我做予你 ê 紙動物 nih, 彼你過去真佮意.

我斷氣了, chiah-ê 動物 mā 袂 koh 振動. 毋過, 我若全心寫予你, 我 tō 會當留一部份 ê 我 tī 這張紙, tī chiah-ê 字. 自 án-ne, 你若 tī 清明想著我, 彼時死者 ê 靈魂會得探望厝 nih ê 人, 你 tō 會當予我留予你 ê 彼部份 koh 活起來. 我做予你 ê 動物 tō 會 koh 活跳, 走動, 欱撲, 彼時凡勢你著會看著 chiah-ê 字 ah.

因為我著 kō͘ 全心來寫, 我需要 kō͘ China 文寫予你.

Chiah 久以來, 我猶毋捌 kā 你講我 ê 身世. 你細漢 ê 時, 我一直 teh 想, 等你較大漢, 才 kā 你講這个故事, án-ne 你 tō 會了解. 毋過, 彼个機會一直無來.

我出世 tī 1957 年, tī Hebei 省 ê Sigulu 村. 恁阿公阿媽攏出身散赤家庭, 親情真少. 我出世無幾冬, China 拄著大飢荒, 死亡 3,000 萬人. 我 ê 第一个記持是, 醒來看著老母 teh 食塗止枵, 通 kā 一屑仔麵粉留予我.

後來, 代誌有較好. Sigulu ê 拗紙藝術真有名, 阮老母教我做拗紙動物, koh 賦予 in 性命. 這是庄 nih ê 實用魔法. 阮 kō͘ 紙做鳥仔去趕田 nih ê 草蜢, mā 做紙虎去趕鳥鼠. 過 China 新年 ê 時, 我和囡仔伴做紅色 ê 紙龍. 我永遠會記得 hiah-ê 細細 ê 龍 tī 頭殼頂飛, 掛一捾一捾 teh 碰 ê 炮仔, kā 過去彼年所有 ê 歹記持趕走. 你定著 mā 會佮意這.

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5.

Dad aged rapidly after Mom died. The house was too big for him and had to be sold. My girlfriend Susan and I went to help him pack and clean the place.

Susan found the shoebox in the attic. The paper menagerie, hidden in the uninsulated darkness of the attic for so long, had become brittle and the bright wrapping paper patterns had faded.

"I've never seen origami like this," Susan said. "Your Mom was an amazing artist."

The paper animals did not move. Perhaps whatever magic had animated them stopped when Mom died. Or perhaps I had only imagined that these paper constructions were once alive. The memory of children could not be trusted.

#

It was the first weekend in April, two years after Mom's death. Susan was out of town on one of her endless trips as a management consultant and I was home, lazily flipping through the TV channels.

I paused at a documentary about sharks. Suddenly I saw, in my mind, Mom's hands, as they folded and refolded tin foil to make a shark for me, while Laohu and I watched.

A rustle. I looked up and saw that a ball of wrapping paper and torn tape was on the floor next to the bookshelf. I walked over to pick it up for the trash.

The ball of paper shifted, unfurled itself, and I saw that it was Laohu, who I hadn't thought about in a very long time. "Rawrr-sa." Mom must have put him back together after I had given up.

He was smaller than I remembered. Or maybe it was just that back then my fists were smaller.

Susan had put the paper animals around our apartment as decoration. She probably left Laohu in a pretty hidden corner because he looked so shabby.

I sat down on the floor, and reached out a finger. Laohu's tail twitched, and he pounced playfully. I laughed, stroking his back. Laohu purred under my hand.

"How've you been, old buddy?"

Laohu stopped playing. He got up, jumped with feline grace into my lap, and proceeded to unfold himself.

In my lap was a square of creased wrapping paper, the plain side up. It was filled with dense Chinese characters. I had never learned to read Chinese, but I knew the characters for son, and they were at the top, where you'd expect them in a letter addressed to you, written in Mom's awkward, childish handwriting.

I went to the computer to check the Internet. Today was Qingming.

#

I took the letter with me downtown, where I knew the Chinese tour buses stopped. I stopped every tourist, asking, "Nin hui du zhongwen ma?" Can you read Chinese? I hadn't spoken Chinese in so long that I wasn't sure if they understood.

A young woman agreed to help. We sat down on a bench together, and she read the letter to me aloud. The language that I had tried to forget for years came back, and I felt the words sinking into me, through my skin, through my bones, until they squeezed tight around my heart.

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==

Son,

We haven't talked in a long time. You are so angry when I try to touch you that I'm afraid. And I think maybe this pain I feel all the time now is something serious.

So I decided to write to you. I'm going to write in the paper animals I made for you that you used to like so much.

The animals will stop moving when I stop breathing. But if I write to you with all my heart, I'll leave a little of myself behind on this paper, in these words. Then, if you think of me on Qingming, when the spirits of the departed are allowed to visit their families, you'll make the parts of myself I leave behind come alive too. The creatures I made for you will again leap and run and pounce, and maybe you'll get to see these words then.

Because I have to write with all my heart, I need to write to you in Chinese.

All this time I still haven't told you the story of my life. When you were little, I always thought I'd tell you the story when you were older, so you could understand. But somehow that chance never came up.

I was born in 1957, in Sigulu Village, Hebei Province. Your grandparents were both from very poor peasant families with few relatives. Only a few years after I was born, the Great Famines struck China, during which thirty million people died. The first memory I have was waking up to see my mother eating dirt so that she could fill her belly and leave the last bit of flour for me.

Things got better after that. Sigulu is famous for its zhezhi papercraft, and my mother taught me how to make paper animals and give them life. This was practical magic in the life of the village. We made paper birds to chase grasshoppers away from the fields, and paper tigers to keep away the mice. For Chinese New Year my friends and I made red paper dragons. I'll never forget the sight of all those little dragons zooming across the sky overhead, holding up strings of exploding firecrackers to scare away all the bad memories of the past year. You would have loved it.

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4. 她 ê 腔口予我真礙虐

4. Yi ê khiuⁿ-kháu hō͘ góa chin gāi-gio̍h

Pa bé hō͘ góa kui-thò ê Star Wars ē tāng ê bô͘-hêng. Góa kā Obi-Wan Kenobi hō͘ Mark.

Góa kā chóa tōng-bu̍t-á chng tī chi̍t-ê ê-a̍p-á, kā khǹg tī bîn-chhn̂g-kha.

Keh-kang chá-khí, chiah-ê tōng-bu̍t-á cháu chhut-lâi, chhut-hiān tī kòe-khì in tī pâng-keng siōng kah-ì ê só͘-chāi. Góa kā in lóng lia̍h khí-lâi, kā khǹg ji̍p ê-a̍p, kā kòa kō͘ ka-pò͘ liâm ân. M̄-koh, tōng-bu̍t-á tī a̍p-á nih iau-pá-chhá, lo̍h-bóe góa kā sat khì lâu-kông ê kak-lo̍h, lī góa ê pâng-keng lú hn̄g lú hó.

Ma nā kap góa kóng China-ōe, góa tō m̄ kā ìn. Kòe chi̍t-tōaⁿ sî-kan, yi khai-sí sú-iōng khah chē Eng-gí. M̄-koh yi kóng ê khiuⁿ-kháu kap bô oân-chéng ê ōe-kù hō͘ góa chin gāi-gio̍h. Góa siūⁿ boeh kā kái-chèng. Lo̍h-bóe, tī góa bīn-chêng, yi oân-choân bô-ài kóng-ōe.

Nā ū siáⁿ mi̍h-kiāⁿ su-iàu hō͘ góa chai, Ma khai-sí kō͘ pí ê. Yi chhì kō͘ tī TV khòaⁿ tio̍h ê Bí-kok lāu-bú ê hong-sek lám góa. Góa kám-kak yi ê tōng-chok siuⁿ ké, bô chū-jiân, hàm-kó͘, bô khì-chit. Yi khòaⁿ góa bô kah-ì án-ne, tō bô koh chò.

"Lí m̄-thang án-ne tùi-thāi lín lāu-bú," Pa kóng. M̄-koh án-ne kóng ê sî, i m̄-káⁿ khòaⁿ góa ê ba̍k-chiu. Tī i ê sim-koaⁿ, i tiāⁿ-tio̍h ì-sek tio̍h, siūⁿ boeh chhōa chi̍t-ê China chng-kha ko͘-niû, kî-bōng yi ē sek-èng Connecticut kau-khu, che sī chi̍t-ê chhò-gō͘.

Ma o̍h chú Bí-kok chhài. Góa sńg tiān-tōng, o̍h Franse-gí.

Ū-sî-á, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tī chàu-kha toh-á gián-kiù pau-chong chóa ê lāi-té bīn. Jiân-āu, chi̍t-chiah sin ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t tō chhut-hiān tī góa ê chhn̂g-piⁿ kūi, siūⁿ boeh óa-kīn góa. Góa kā lia̍h kòe-lâi, kā teⁿ, it-ti̍t kàu in siau-hong, tō kā chiⁿ tī lâu-kông ê a̍p-á nih.

Góa tha̍k ko-tiong ê sî, Ma chóng-sǹg bô koh chò tōng-bu̍t ah. Hit-sî, yi ê Eng-gí í-keng ke chin hó, m̄-koh góa í-keng kàu hit-ê nî-kí, bô hèng-chhù só͘-ū yi kóng ê ōe, m̄-koán kō͘ siáⁿ-mih gí-giân.

Ū-sî, tńg kàu chhù, khòaⁿ yi he sè-sè sin-khu tī chàu-kha bô-êng chhih-chhih, ka-tī ná chhiùⁿ China-koa, góa bô-hoat-tō͘ siong-sìn, sī yi seⁿ góa. Goán bô sio-kāng ê só͘-chāi. Yi mā ū khó-lêng sī goe̍h-kiû lâi ê. Góa tō kín-kín tńg góa ê pâng-keng, tī hia góa ē-tàng kè-sio̍k tui-kiû choân Bí-kok-sek ê hēng-hok.

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Pa hām góa khiā tī tó tī pēⁿ-chhn̂g ê Ma ê nn̄g-pêng. Yi iáu bōe 40 hòe, m̄-koh khòaⁿ tio̍h ke chin lāu.

Kúi nî lâi, yi it-ti̍t m̄ khì hō͘ i-seng khòaⁿ yi thé-lāi ê thiàⁿ-thàng, yi kóng he m̄-sī siáⁿ tōa tāi-chì. M̄-koh, tán lo̍h-bóe kiù-hō͘-chhia lâi chài ê sî, gâm í-keng thòaⁿ kah chhiau-kòe chhiú-su̍t ê hoān-ûi.

Góa ê sim-koaⁿ bô tī pâng-keng. Hit-sî sī khì-gia̍p lâi tāi-ha̍k chio-lâng ê kùi-cheh, góa chù-sim tī kán-le̍k, sêng-chek-toaⁿ, an-pâi biān-tâm sî-kan ê chhek-lio̍k. Góa àn-sǹg boeh án-nóa khah ē-tàng hó͘-lān khì-gia̍p lâi ê chio-bō͘ jîn-oân, hō͘ in goān-ì chhut-kè bé góa. Góa bêng-pe̍k, tī lāu-bú tó tī pēⁿ-chhn̂g boeh sí ê chit-sî, su-khó chiah-ê sī bô eng-kai. M̄-koh, hit-ê bêng-pe̍k pèng bô kái-piàn góa ê siūⁿ-hoat.

Yi iáu ū ì-sek. Pa kō͘ siang-chhiú tēⁿ yi ê tò-chhiú. I àⁿ-sin chim yi ê hia̍h-thâu. I khòaⁿ khí-lâi hi koh lāu, hō͘ góa khí kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Góa hoat-hiān, góa tùi Pa ê liáu-kái chha-put-to hām tùi Ma ê liáu-kái pêⁿ chió.

Ma ǹg i chhiò-chhiò. "Góa bô tāi-chì."

Yi oa̍t ǹg góa, iáu sī chhiò-chhiò. "Góa chai lí tio̍h tńg-khì ha̍k-hāu." Yi ê siaⁿ chin sè, hō͘ khan kàu sin-khu ê ki-khì siaⁿ chhá kah thiaⁿ bē chin. "Kín khì, bián hoân-ló góa. Che m̄-sī siáⁿ tōa tāi-chì. Tī ha̍k-hāu hó-hó piáu-hiān."

Góa chhun-chhiú khì bong yi ê chhiú, in-ūi góa siūⁿ kóng góa tio̍h án-ne chò. Góa hòng-sim ah. Góa í-keng teh siūⁿ tńg khì ê pan-ki, siūⁿ California ê bêng-lóng ji̍t-kng.

Yi kap Pa kóng kúi-kù sè-siaⁿ ōe. I tìm-thâu, lī-khui pâng-keng.

"Jack, ká-sú..." yi hiông-hiông khí chi̍t-chūn sàu, bô hoat-tō͘ kóng-ōe. "Góa nā kham bē kòe, lí bián siong-sim, phah-pháiⁿ sin-thé. Hó-hó seng-oa̍h. Kā lâu-kông hit-ê a̍p-á siu hó, ta̍k-nî Chheng-bêng, kā the̍h chhut-lâi, kì-liām góa. Góa ē it-ti̍t pôe-phōaⁿ lí."

Chheng-bêng sī China-lâng kì-liām sí-lâng ê cheh-ji̍t. Góa iáu sè-hàn ê sî, Ma ē tī Chheng-bêng siá phe hō͘ yi tī China sí-khì ê pē-bú, kóng kòe-khì chi̍t-nî yi tī Bí-kok seng-oa̍h ê hó siau-sit. Yi ē tōa siaⁿ tha̍k phe hō͘ góa thiaⁿ, góa nā ū siáⁿ ì-kiàn, yi mā ē kā he siá tī phe nih. Jiân-āu, yi ē kā phe áu chò chi̍t-chiah ho̍h, ǹg sai pàng i poe. Án-ne, goán tō ē khòaⁿ tio̍h ho̍h, hop i he khin-khoài ê si̍t-kó͘, hiòng sai poe khì, hiòng Thài-pêng Iûⁿ, hiòng China, hiòng Ma ê ka-cho̍k ê bōng.

Siōng bóe-kái góa kap yi án-ne chò, í-keng sī chin chē nî í-chêng ah lah.

"China ê lông-le̍k góa siáⁿ to m̄-chai," góa kóng. "Hioh-khùn lah, Ma."

"Kan-ta kā a̍p-á chah tio̍h, ū-sî phah-khui tō ē-sái ah. Kan-ta phah-khui..." yi iū-koh teh sàu.

"Bô tāi-chì lah, Ma." góa chhâ-chhâ phok yi ê chhiú-kut.

"Haizi, mama ai ni..." Yi iū-koh sàu bē soah. Kúi-nî chêng ê chi̍t-ê ōe-bīn siám tī góa ê kì-tî: Ma ná kóng ai, ná kā chhiú bong tī sim-koaⁿ.

"Hó lah, Ma. Mài koh kóng ah."

Pa tńg-lâi, góa kóng góa tio̍h khah chá khì ki-tiûⁿ, bián-tit bē-hù pan-ki.

Yi sí khì ê sî, góa ê hui-ki tī Nevada khong-tiong bó͘ chi̍t-ê só͘-chāi.

- -

4. 她 ê 腔口予我真礙虐

Pa 買予我規套 ê Star Wars 會動 ê 模型. 我 kā Obi-Wan Kenobi 予 Mark.

我 kā 紙動物仔裝 tī 一个鞋盒仔, kā 囥 tī 眠床跤.

隔工早起, chiah-ê 動物仔走出來, 出現 tī 過去 in tī 房間上佮意 ê 所在. 我 kā in 攏掠起來, kā 囥入鞋盒, kā 蓋 kō͘ 膠布黏絚. 毋過, 動物仔 tī 盒仔 nih 枵飽吵, 落尾我 kā 塞去樓栱 ê 角落, 離我 ê 房間 lú 遠 lú 好.

Ma 若 kap 我講 China 話, 我 tō 毋 kā 應. 過一段時間, 她開始使用較濟英語. 毋過她講 ê 腔口 kap 無完整 ê 話句予我真礙虐. 我想欲 kā 改正. 落尾, tī 我面前, 她完全無愛講話.

若有啥物件需要予我知, Ma 開始 kō͘ 比 ê. 她試 kō͘ tī TV 看著 ê 美國老母 ê 方式攬我. 我感覺她 ê 動作 siuⁿ 假, 無自然, 譀古, 無氣質. 她看我無佮意 án-ne, tō 無 koh 做.

"你毋通 án-ne 對待恁老母," Pa 講. 毋過 án-ne 講 ê 時, 伊毋敢看我 ê 目睭. Tī 伊 ê 心肝, 伊定著意識著, 想欲娶一个 China 庄跤姑娘, 期望她會適應 Connecticut 郊區, 這是一个錯誤.

Ma 學煮美國菜. 我耍電動, 學 Franse 語.

有時仔, 我看著她 tī 灶跤桌仔研究包裝紙 ê 內底面. 然後, 一隻新 ê 拗紙動物 tō 出現 tī 我 ê 床邊櫃, 想欲倚近我. 我 kā 掠過來, kā 捏, 一直到 in 消風, tō kā 櫼 tī 樓栱 ê 盒仔 nih.

我讀高中 ê 時, Ma 總算無 koh 做動物 ah. 彼時, 她 ê 英語已經加真好, 毋過我已經到彼个年紀, 無興趣所有她講 ê 話, 毋管 kō͘ 啥物語言.

有時, 轉到厝, 看她彼細細身軀 tī 灶跤無閒 chhih-chhih, 家治 ná 唱 China 歌, 我無法度相信, 是她生我. 阮無相仝 ê 所在. 她 mā 有可能是月球來 ê. 我 tō 緊緊轉我 ê 房間, tī hia 我會當繼續追求全美國式 ê 幸福.

#

Pa 和我徛 tī 倒 tī 病床 ê Ma ê 兩爿. 她猶未 40 歲, 毋過看著加真老.

幾年來, 她一直毋去予醫生看她體內 ê 疼痛, 她講彼毋是啥大代誌. 毋過, 等落尾救護車來載 ê 時, 癌已經湠 kah 超過手術 ê 範圍.

我 ê 心肝無 tī 房間. 彼時是企業來大學招人 ê 季節, 我注心 tī 簡歷, 成績單, 安排面談時間 ê 策略. 我按算欲按怎較會當 hó͘-lān 企業來 ê 招募人員, 予 in 願意出價買我. 我明白, tī 老母倒 tī 病床欲死 ê 這時, 思考 chiah-ê 是無應該. 毋過, 彼个明白並無改變我 ê 想法.

她猶有意識. Pa kō͘ 雙手捏她 ê 倒手. 伊 àⁿ 身唚她 ê 額頭. 伊看起來虛 koh 老, 予我起驚惶. 我發現, 我對 Pa ê 了解差不多和對 Ma ê 了解平少.

Ma ǹg 伊笑笑. "我無代誌."

她越 ǹg 我, 猶是笑笑. "我知你著轉去學校." 她 ê 聲真細, 予牽到身軀 ê 機器聲吵 kah 聽袂真. "緊去, 免煩惱我. 這毋是啥大代誌. Tī 學校好好表現."

我伸手去摸她 ê 手, 因為我想講我著 án-ne 做. 我放心 ah. 我已經 teh 想轉去 ê 班機, 想 California ê 明朗日光.

Yi kap Pa 講幾句細聲話. 伊頕頭, 離開房間.

"Jack, 假使..." 她雄雄起一陣嗽, 無法度講話. "我若堪袂過, 你免傷心, 拍歹身體. 好好生活. Kā 樓栱彼个盒仔收好, 逐年清明, kā 提出來, 紀念我. 我會一直陪伴你."

清明是 China 人紀念死人 ê 節日. 我猶細漢 ê 時, Ma 會 tī 清明寫批予她 tī China 死去 ê 爸母, 講過去一年她 tī 美國生活 ê 好消息. 她會大聲讀批予我聽, 我若有啥意見, 她 mā 會 kā 彼寫 tī 批 nih. 然後, 她會 kā 批拗做一隻鶴, ǹg 西放伊飛. Án-ne, 阮 tō 會看著鶴, hop 伊彼輕快 ê 翼股, 向西飛去, 向太平洋, 向 China, 向 Ma ê 家族 ê 墓.

上尾改我 kap 她 án-ne 做, 已經是真濟年以前 ah lah.

"China ê 農曆我啥 to 毋知," 我講. "歇睏 lah, Ma."

"干焦 kā 盒仔扎著, 有時拍開 tō 會使 ah. 干焦拍開..." 她又閣 teh 嗽.

"無代誌 lah, Ma." 我柴柴撲她 ê 手骨.

"Haizi, mama ai ni..." 她又閣嗽袂煞. 幾年前 ê 一个畫面閃 tī 我 ê 記持: Ma ná 講 ai, ná kā 手摸 tī 心肝.

"好 lah, Ma. 莫 koh 講 ah."

Pa 轉來, 我講我著較早去機場, 免得袂赴班機.

她死去 ê 時, 我 ê 飛機 tī Nevada 空中某一个所在.

- -

4.

Dad bought me a full set of Star Wars action figures. I gave the Obi-Wan Kenobi to Mark.

I packed the paper menagerie in a large shoebox and put it under the bed.

The next morning, the animals had escaped and took over their old favorite spots in my room. I caught them all and put them back into the shoebox, taping the lid shut. But the animals made so much noise in the box that I finally shoved it into the corner of the attic as far away from my room as possible.

If Mom spoke to me in Chinese, I refused to answer her. After a while, she tried to use more English. But her accent and broken sentences embarrassed me. I tried to correct her. Eventually, she stopped speaking altogether if I were around.

Mom began to mime things if she needed to let me know something. She tried to hug me the way she saw American mothers did on TV. I thought her movements exaggerated, uncertain, ridiculous, graceless. She saw that I was annoyed, and stopped.

"You shouldn't treat your mother that way," Dad said. But he couldn't look me in the eyes as he said it. Deep in his heart, he must have realized that it was a mistake to have tried to take a Chinese peasant girl and expect her to fit in the suburbs of Connecticut.

Mom learned to cook American style. I played video games and studied French.

Every once in a while, I would see her at the kitchen table studying the plain side of a sheet of wrapping paper. Later a new paper animal would appear on my nightstand and try to cuddle up to me. I caught them, squeezed them until the air went out of them, and then stuffed them away in the box in the attic.

Mom finally stopped making the animals when I was in high school. By then her English was much better, but I was already at that age when I wasn't interested in what she had to say whatever language she used.

Sometimes, when I came home and saw her tiny body busily moving about in the kitchen, singing a song in Chinese to herself, it was hard for me to believe that she gave birth to me. We had nothing in common. She might as well be from the moon. I would hurry on to my room, where I could continue my all-American pursuit of happiness.

#

Dad and I stood, one on each side of Mom, lying on the hospital bed. She was not yet even forty, but she looked much older.

For years she had refused to go to the doctor for the pain inside her that she said was no big deal. By the time an ambulance finally carried her in, the cancer had spread far beyond the limits of surgery.

My mind was not in the room. It was the middle of the on-campus recruiting season, and I was focused on resumes, transcripts, and strategically constructed interview schedules. I schemed about how to lie to the corporate recruiters most effectively so that they'll offer to buy me. I understood intellectually that it was terrible to think about this while your mother lay dying. But that understanding didn't mean I could change how I felt.

She was conscious. Dad held her left hand with both of his own. He leaned down to kiss her forehead. He seemed weak and old in a way that startled me. I realized that I knew almost as little about Dad as I did about Mom.

Mom smiled at him. "I'm fine."

She turned to me, still smiling. "I know you have to go back to school." Her voice was very weak and it was difficult to hear her over the hum of the machines hooked up to her. "Go. Don't worry about me. This is not a big deal. Just do well in school."

I reached out to touch her hand, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I was relieved. I was already thinking about the flight back, and the bright California sunshine.

She whispered something to Dad. He nodded and left the room.

"Jack, if — " she was caught up in a fit of coughing, and could not speak for some time. "If I don't make it, don't be too sad and hurt your health. Focus on your life. Just keep that box you have in the attic with you, and every year, at Qingming, just take it out and think about me. I'll be with you always."

Qingming was the Chinese Festival for the Dead. When I was very young, Mom used to write a letter on Qingming to her dead parents back in China, telling them the good news about the past year of her life in America. She would read the letter out loud to me, and if I made a comment about something, she would write it down in the letter too. Then she would fold the letter into a paper crane, and release it, facing west. We would then watch, as the crane flapped its crisp wings on its long journey west, towards the Pacific, towards China, towards the graves of Mom's family.

It had been many years since I last did that with her.

"I don't know anything about the Chinese calendar," I said. "Just rest, Mom. "

"Just keep the box with you and open it once in a while. Just open — " she began to cough again.

"It's okay, Mom." I stroked her arm awkwardly.

"Haizi, mama ai ni — " Her cough took over again. An image from years ago flashed into my memory: Mom saying ai and then putting her hand over her heart.

"Alright, Mom. Stop talking."

Dad came back, and I said that I needed to get to the airport early because I didn't want to miss my flight.

She died when my plane was somewhere over Nevada.

- -

3. 我敢有 Chink 面?

3. Góa kám ū chink bīn?

Mark sī chi̍t-ê tòa chhù-piⁿ ê cha-po͘ gín-á. I chah i he ē tín-tāng ê Star Wars (Seng-kiû Tāi-chiàn) bô͘-hêng lâi. Obi-Wan Kenobi ê kng-kiàm ē hoat-kng, i ē-tàng sut chhiú-kut, koh sè-sè siaⁿ kóng, "Sái Khùi-la̍t!" Góa kám-kak he bô͘-hêng kin-pún to bô sêng chin-chiàⁿ ê Obi-Wan.

Goán chò-hóe khòaⁿ i tī kapi toh-á téng tiông-ho̍k chit-ê piáu-ián 5 kái. "I iáu ē-tàng chhòng siáⁿ?" góa mn̄g.

Mark tùi góa ê būn-tê chin àu-náu. "Khòaⁿ só͘-ū ê sè-chiat," i kóng.

Góa khòaⁿ hiah-ê sè-chiat. Góa bô khak-tēng góa tio̍h kóng siáⁿ.

Mark tùi góa ê hoán-èng chin sit-bōng. "Hō͘ góa khòaⁿ lí ê thit-thô mi̍h."

Góa bô siáⁿ-mih thit-thô-mi̍h, tî-liáu góa ê áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t-á. Góa kā Laohu ùi góa ê khùn-pâng chhōa chhut-lâi. Hit-sî i í-keng phòa-phòa, tah kah chiâu sī ka-pò͘ kap kô͘-á, he sī Ma kap góa kúi-nî lâi kā i siu-pó͘ ê chèng-kì. I í-keng bô chhiūⁿ chá-chêng hiah liú-lia̍h koh kha-pō͘ tiāⁿ. Góa hō͘ i tī kapi toh-á chē lo̍h-lâi. Góa ē-tàng thiaⁿ tio̍h kî-thaⁿ tōng-bu̍t ê kha-pō͘ siaⁿ tī cháu-lông, in kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ thau-khòaⁿ kheh-thiaⁿ. 

"Xiao lao-hu," góa kóng, sûi tòng-tiām. Góa ōaⁿ kóng Eng-gí. "Che sī Hó͘." Laohu sió-sim kiâⁿ kòe lâi, ǹg Mark hm̄ siaⁿ, ná phīⁿ i ê chhiú.

Mark kiám-cha Laohu phôe-hu téng ê Kitok-Seⁿ pau-chong chóa tô͘-iūⁿ, "Che kin-pún bô sêng hó͘. Lín Ma kō͘ pùn-sò chò thit-thô-mi̍h hō͘ lí?"

Góa m̄-bat siūⁿ kòe Laohu sī pùn-sò. M̄-koh taⁿ khòaⁿ i, i chin-chiàⁿ chí sī chi̍t-tiuⁿ pau-chong chóa.

Mark koh sak Obi-Wan ê thâu. Kng-kiàm koh sih; i ê chhiú-kut téng-ē sóa-tāng. "Sái Khùi-la̍t!"

Laohu oa̍t-sin, pà kòe, kā sok-ka bô͘-hêng kòng lo̍h toh-á. He khok tio̍h tē-pán, phòa khì, Obi-Wan ê thâu-khak liàn kàu phòng-í ē-bīn. "Rawwww," Laohu chhiò chhut-lâi. Góa mā ài chhiò.

Mark kā góa bok, chin tōa-la̍t. "Che chin kùi neh! Chit-má tī tiàm nih mā chhōe bô ah. I khó-lêng pí lín Pa bé lín Ma só͘ hù ê chîⁿ koh khah chē!"

Góa phiân chi̍t-ē, tó tī tē-pán. Laohu hm̄-hm̄ kiò, thiàu khì Mark ê bīn.

Mark tōa-siaⁿ ai, tōa-bīn sī in-ūi tio̍h-kiaⁿ kap ì-gōa, m̄-sī in-ūi thiàⁿ. Chóng-sī, Laohu put-kò sī chóa chò ê.

Mark khì sa Laohu, Laohu ê hm̄ siaⁿ tn̄g khì, in-ūi Mark kā jio̍k tī chhiú nih, koh kā liah chò nn̄g koe̍h. I kā nn̄g-phìⁿ chóa tēⁿ chò chi̍t-oân, phiaⁿ hō͘ góa. "Che sī lí ê hàu-tai chhàu-chiān China pùn-sò."

Mark lī-khui liáu-āu, góa khai chin kú ê sî-kan, chhì boeh kā phòa chóa kô͘ chò-hóe, kā chóa ut pêⁿ, chiàu kū-hûn koh áu Laohu, m̄-koh bô sêng-kong. Bān-bān, kî-thaⁿ tōng-bu̍t-á lâi kàu kheh-thiaⁿ, ûi tī goán sin-piⁿ: its góa kap kòe-khì sī Laohu ê hit-tiuⁿ phòa kê-kê ê pau-chong chóa.

#

Góa hām Mark ê oan-ke iáu bōe soah. Mark tī ha̍k-hāu chin ū lâng-iân. Góa m̄-káⁿ koh siūⁿ khí sòa lo̍h-lâi ê hit nn̄g lé-pài.

Nn̄g lé-pài kiat-sok ê hit-ê pài-5, góa tńg kàu chhù. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Ma mn̄g góa. Góa bô kóng siáⁿ tō khì e̍k-sek. Góa chiò-kiàⁿ khòaⁿ ka-tī. Góa khòaⁿ khí-lâi chi̍t-sut-á to bô sêng yi, chi̍t-sut-á to bô.

Chia̍h-àm ê sî, góa mn̄g Pa, "Góa kám ū Chink-bīn?"

Pa kā tī khǹg lo̍h. Sui-bóng góa m̄-bat kā i kóng ha̍k-hāu ê tāi-chì, i ká-ná liáu-kái. I ba̍k-chiu kheh-kheh, chhiú so phīⁿ-kut. "Bô, lí bô."

Ma khòaⁿ Pa, bô liáu-kái. Yi oa̍t kòe-lâi khòaⁿ góa. "Sha jiao chink?"

"Eng-gí," góa kóng. "Kóng Eng-gí."

Yi chhì kóng. "Sī án-nóa sioh?"

Góa kā tī kap bīn-chêng ê óaⁿ sak khui: ngó͘-hiang gû-bah chhá chheⁿ hoan-kiuⁿ. "Lán tio̍h chia̍h Bí-kok chhài."

Pa chhì boeh kóng lí-iû. "Chin chē ka-têng ū-sî mā chú China chhài."

"Lán m̄-sī pa̍t-ê ka-têng." góa khòaⁿ i. "Pa̍t-ê ka-têng bô m̄-sī ka-têng chi̍t-hūn-chú ê lāu-bú."

I khòaⁿ khì pa̍t-ūi. Jiân-āu, i chi̍t-chhiú khǹg tī Ma ê keng-thâu. "Góa bé chi̍t-pún si̍t-phó͘ hō͘ lí."

Ma oa̍t hiòng góa. "Bu haochi?"

"Eng-gí," góa kóng, siaⁿ-im giâ koân. "Kóng Eng-gí."

Ma chhun-chhiú bong góa ê hia̍h-thâu, kám-kak góa ê un-tō͘. "Fashao la?"

Góa póe khui yi ê chhiú. "Góa bô tāi-chì. Kóng Eng-gí!" góa kō͘ jiáng ê.

"Kap i kóng Eng-gí," Pa tùi Ma kóng. "Lí chai-iáⁿ, chóng ū chi̍t-kang ē án-ne. Lí boeh kî-thāi siáⁿ?"

Ma ê chhiú sûi lo̍h-khì. Yi chē tio̍h, ùi Pa hia oa̍t kòe-lâi khòaⁿ góa, koh oa̍t tńg khòaⁿ Pa. Yi chhì boeh kóng-ōe, thêng lo̍h-lâi, koh chhì, koh thêng lo̍h-lâi.

"Lí tio̍h chò," Pa kóng. "Góa it-ti̍t tùi lí siuⁿ hòng-jīm. Jack su-iàu sek-èng."

Ma khòaⁿ i. "Góa nā kóng ‘love,’ góa kám-kak tī chia." Yi kí chhùi-tûn. "Góa nā kóng ‘ai,’ góa kám-kak tī chia." Yi kā chhiú khǹg tī sim-koaⁿ.

Pa iô thâu, "Lí sī tī Bí-kok."

Ma kiu tī chē-ūi, khòaⁿ tio̍h ná chhiūⁿ chúi-gû í-chêng hō͘ Laohu pà tio̍h, sèⁿ-miā ê khùi hō͘ i chiⁿ liáu-liáu.

"Góa mā boeh ài chin-chiàⁿ ê thit-thô-mi̍h."

- -

3. 我敢有 Chink 面?

Mark 是一个蹛厝邊 ê 查埔囡仔. 伊扎伊 he 會振動 ê Star Wars (星球大戰) 模型來. Obi-Wan Kenobi ê 光劍會發光, 伊會當 sut 手骨, koh 細細聲講, "使氣力!" 我感覺彼模型根本 to 無成真正 ê Obi-Wan.

阮做伙看伊 tī kapi 桌仔頂重複這个表演 5 改. "伊猶會當創啥?" 我問.

Mark 對我 ê 問題真懊惱. "看所有 ê 細節," 伊講.

我看 hiah-ê 細節. 我無確定我著講啥.

Mark 對我 ê 反應真失望. "予我看你 ê thit-thô 物."

我無啥物 thit-thô 物, 除了我 ê 拗紙動物仔. 我 kā Laohu ùi 我 ê 睏房 chhōa 出來. 彼時伊已經破破, 貼 kah chiâu 是膠布 kap 糊仔, 彼是 Ma kap 我幾年來 kā 伊修補 ê 證據. 伊已經無像早前 hiah 扭掠 koh 跤步定. 我予伊 tī kapi 桌仔坐落來. 我會當聽著其他動物 ê 跤步聲 tī 走廊, in 驚驚偷看客廳. 

"Xiao lao-hu," 我講, 隨擋恬. 我換講英語. "這是虎." Laohu 小心行過來, ǹg Mark hm̄ 聲, ná 鼻伊 ê 手.

Mark 檢查 Laohu 皮膚頂 ê 基督生包裝紙圖樣, "這根本無成虎. 恁 Ma kō͘ 糞埽做 thit-thô 物予你?"

我毋捌想過 Laohu 是糞埽. 毋過今看伊, 伊真正只是一張包裝紙.

Mark koh 捒 Obi-Wan ê 頭. 光劍 koh 爍; 伊 ê 手骨頂下徙動. "使氣力!"

Laohu 越身, 霸過, kā 塑膠模型摃落桌仔. 彼硞著地板, 破去, Obi-Wan ê 頭殼輾到膨椅下面. "Rawwww," Laohu 笑出來. 我 mā 愛笑.

Mark kā 我揍, 真大力. "這真貴 neh! Chit-má tī 店 nih mā 揣無 ah. 伊可能比恁 Pa 買恁 Ma 所付 ê 錢 koh 較濟!"

我蹁一下, 倒 tī 地板. Laohu hm̄-hm̄ 叫, 跳去 Mark ê 面.

Mark 大聲唉, 大面是因為著驚 kap 意外, 毋是因為疼. 總是, Laohu 不過是紙做 ê.

Mark 去捎 Laohu, Laohu ê hm̄ 聲斷去, 因為 Mark kā 褥 tī 手 nih, koh kā 裂做兩 koe̍h. 伊 kā 兩片紙捏做一丸, 抨予我. "這是你 ê 孝呆臭賤 China 糞埽."

Mark 離開了後, 我開真久 ê 時間, 試欲 kā 破紙糊做伙, kā 紙熨平, 照舊痕 koh 拗 Laohu, 毋過無成功. 慢慢, 其他動物仔來到客廳, 圍 tī 阮身邊: its 我 kap 過去是 Laohu ê 彼張破 kê-kê ê 包裝紙.

#

我和 Mark ê 冤家猶未煞. Mark tī 學校真有人緣. 我毋敢 koh 想起紲落來 ê 彼兩禮拜.

兩禮拜結束 ê 彼个拜 5, 我轉到厝. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Ma 問我. 我無講啥 tō 去浴室. 我照鏡看家治. 我看起來一屑仔 to 無成她, 一屑仔 to 無.

食暗 ê 時, 我問 Pa, "我敢有 Chink 面?"

Pa kā 箸囥落. 雖罔我毋捌 kā 伊講學校 ê 代誌, 伊 ká-ná 了解. 伊目睭瞌瞌, 手挲鼻骨. "無, 你無."

Ma 看 Pa, 無了解. 她越過來看我. "Sha jiao chink?"

"英語," 我講. "講英語."

她試講. "是按怎 sioh?"

我 kā 箸 kap 面前 ê 碗捒開: 五香牛肉炒青番薑. "咱著食美國菜."

Pa 試欲講理由. "真濟家庭有時 mā 煮 China 菜."

"咱毋是別个家庭." 我看伊. "別个家庭無毋是家庭一份子 ê 老母."

伊看去別位. 然後, 伊一手囥 tī Ma ê 肩頭. "我買一本食譜予你."

Ma 越向我. "Bu haochi?"

"英語," 我講, 聲音夯懸. "講英語."

Ma 伸手摸我 ê 額頭, 感覺我 ê 溫度. "Fashao la?"

我掰開她 ê 手. "我無代誌. 講英語!" 我 kō͘ 嚷 ê.

"Kap 伊講英語," Pa 對 Ma 講. "你知影, 總有一工會 án-ne. 你欲期待啥?"

Ma ê 手垂落去. 她坐著, ùi Pa hia 越過來看我, koh 越轉看 Pa. 她試欲講話, 停落來, koh 試, koh 停落來.

"你著做," Pa 講. "我一直對你 siuⁿ 放任. Jack 需要適應."

Ma 看伊. "我若講 ‘love,’ 我感覺 tī chia." 她指喙唇. "我若講 ‘ai,’ 我感覺 tī chia." 她 kā 手囥 tī 心肝.

Pa 搖頭, "你是 tī 美國."

Ma 勼 tī 坐位, 看著 ná 像水牛以前予 Laohu 霸著, 性命 ê 氣予伊櫼了了.

"我 mā 欲愛真正 ê thit-thô 物."

- -

3.

Mark, one of the neighborhood boys, came over with his Star Wars action figures. Obi-Wan Kenobi's lightsaber lit up and he could swing his arms and say, in a tinny voice, "Use the Force!" I didn't think the figure looked much like the real Obi-Wan at all.

Together, we watched him repeat this performance five times on the coffee table. "Can he do anything else?" I asked.

Mark was annoyed by my question. "Look at all the details," he said.

I looked at the details. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say.

Mark was disappointed by my response. "Show me your toys."

I didn't have any toys except my paper menagerie. I brought Laohu out from my bedroom. By then he was very worn, patched all over with tape and glue, evidence of the years of repairs Mom and I had done on him. He was no longer as nimble and sure-footed as before. I sat him down on the coffee table. I could hear the skittering steps of the other animals behind in the hallway, timidly peeking into the living room.

"Xiao laohu," I said, and stopped. I switched to English. "This is Tiger." Cautiously, Laohu strode up and purred at Mark, sniffing his hands.

Mark examined the Christmas-wrap pattern of Laohu's skin. "That doesn't look like a tiger at all. Your Mom makes toys for you from trash?"

I had never thought of Laohu as trash. But looking at him now, he was really just a piece of wrapping paper.

Mark pushed Obi-Wan's head again. The lightsaber flashed; he moved his arms up and down. "Use the Force!"

Laohu turned and pounced, knocking the plastic figure off the table. It hit the floor and broke, and Obi-Wan's head rolled under the couch. "Rawwww," Laohu laughed. I joined him.

Mark punched me, hard. "This was very expensive! You can't even find it in the stores now. It probably cost more than what your dad paid for your mom!"

I stumbled and fell to the floor. Laohu growled and leapt at Mark's face.

Mark screamed, more out of fear and surprise than pain. Laohu was only made of paper, after all.

Mark grabbed Laohu and his snarl was choked off as Mark crumpled him in his hand and tore him in half. He balled up the two pieces of paper and threw them at me. "Here's your stupid cheap Chinese garbage."

After Mark left, I spent a long time trying, without success, to tape together the pieces, smooth out the paper, and follow the creases to refold Laohu. Slowly, the other animals came into the living room and gathered around us, me and the torn wrapping paper that used to be Laohu.

#

My fight with Mark didn't end there. Mark was popular at school. I never want to think again about the two weeks that followed.

I came home that Friday at the end of the two weeks. "Xuexiao hao ma?" Mom asked. I said nothing and went to the bathroom. I looked into the mirror. I look nothing like her, nothing.

At dinner I asked Dad, "Do I have a chink face?"

Dad put down his chopsticks. Even though I had never told him what happened in school, he seemed to understand. He closed his eyes and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "No, you don't."

Mom looked at Dad, not understanding. She looked back at me. "Sha jiao chink?"

"English," I said. "Speak English."

She tried. "What happen?"

I pushed the chopsticks and the bowl before me away: stir-fried green peppers with five-spice beef. "We should eat American food."

Dad tried to reason. "A lot of families cook Chinese sometimes."

"We are not other families." I looked at him. Other families don't have moms who don't belong.

He looked away. And then he put a hand on Mom's shoulder. "I'll get you a cookbook."

Mom turned to me. "Bu haochi?"

"English," I said, raising my voice. "Speak English."

Mom reached out to touch my forehead, feeling for my temperature. "Fashao la?"

I brushed her hand away. "I'm fine. Speak English!" I was shouting.

"Speak English to him," Dad said to Mom. "You knew this was going to happen some day. What did you expect?"

Mom dropped her hands to her side. She sat, looking from Dad to me, and back to Dad again. She tried to speak, stopped, and tried again, and stopped again.

"You have to," Dad said. "I've been too easy on you. Jack needs to fit in."

Mom looked at him. "If I say 'love,' I feel here." She pointed to her lips. "If I say 'ai,' I feel here." She put her hand over her heart.

Dad shook his head. "You are in America."

Mom hunched down in her seat, looking like the water buffalo when Laohu used to pounce on him and squeeze the air of life out of him.

"And I want some real toys."

- -

2. 我有一陣拗紙動物

2. Góa ū chi̍t-tīn áu-chóa tōng-bu̍t

Sūn góa ê iau-kiû, Ma mā iōng pau-chong chóa chò chi̍t-chiah iûⁿ-á, chi̍t-chiah lo̍k-á, kap chi̍t-chiah chúi-gû. In tī kheh-thiaⁿ nih cháu lâi cháu khì, Laohu ná háu ná jiok tī in āu-piah. I nā lia̍h tio̍h in, i tō kā in teh tó, it-ti̍t kàu khong-khì lāu khang, in koh piàn-chò áu píⁿ-píⁿ ê chóa. Góa tio̍h koh kā in pûn-hong, pûn phòng-phòng, án-ne in chiah ū hoat-tō͘ koh cháu tāng.

Ū sî-chūn, tōng-bu̍t tú tio̍h mâ-hoân. Ū chi̍t-kái, chúi-gû thiàu ji̍p-khì toh-téng chia̍h-pn̄g ê tāu-iû ti̍h-á nih. (I siūⁿ boeh chhin-chhiūⁿ chin chúi-gû án-ne cháu-chông.) Góa kín kā lia̍h khí-lâi, m̄-koh mô͘-sè-kńg chok-iōng í-keng kā chhim-sek ê e̍k-thé koân-koân suh kàu i ê tōa-thúi. Hō͘ tāu-iû kō nńg ê kha-thúi bô-hoat-tō͘ hō͘ i khiā thêng, i un tī toh-téng. Góa kō͘ ji̍t-thâu kā pha̍k ta, m̄-koh i ê kha-thúi khiû-khiû, cháu ê sî pái-pái. Ma lo̍h-bóe kō͘ hô-tái pau i ê kha-thúi, án-ne i tō ē-tàng tī ka-tī ê sim-nih cháu-chông (m̄-koh bē-sái tī tāu-iû nih).

Iáu ū, hām góa tī āu-bóe sńg ê sî, Laohu kah-ì hop chhek chiáu-á. M̄-koh, ū chi̍t-kái, chi̍t-chiah cháu bô-lō͘ ê chhek chiáu-á piàⁿ-miā hoán-khòng, liah-phòa i ê hīⁿ-á. Góa phō i, Ma kō͘ ka-pò͘ kô͘ i ê hīⁿ-á ê sî, i iⁿ-iⁿ ūⁿ-ūⁿ khàu. Í-āu i tō bē tak chiáu-á.

Āu-lâi, ū chi̍t-kang, góa khòaⁿ iú-koan soa-hî ê tiān-sī kì-lo̍k phìⁿ, tō iau-kiû Ma chò chi̍t-bóe hō͘ góa. Yi chò chi̍t-bóe soa-hî, m̄-koh i tī toh-téng phia̍t-lâi phia̍t-khì, bô hoaⁿ-hí. Góa kā chúi-chô pàng móa chúi, kā i khǹg lo̍h-khì. I tī lāi-bīn siû lâi siû khì chin hoaⁿ-hí. M̄-koh, kòe chi̍t-khùn, i piàn-chò tâm kô͘-kô͘, pòaⁿ thàu-bêng, bān-bān tîm kàu chúi-té, áu-choa̍h lóng khui khì. Góa chhun-chhiú lo̍h-khì kiù i, kiat-kó góa ko͘ tio̍h ê kan-ta sī chi̍t-tiuⁿ tâm-tâm ê chóa.

Laohu ê nn̄g-ki chêng kha-jiáu ha̍p-óa tī chúi-chô piⁿ, kā thâu khòe tī téng-bīn. Hīⁿ-á sûi-sûi, nâ-âu hoat chhut kē-im ê hm̄ siaⁿ, hō͘ góa kám-kak chin tùi-put-chū.

Ma koh chò chi̍t-bóe soa-hî hō͘ góa, chit-kái sī iōng siah-chóa chò ê. Soa-hî hoaⁿ-hoaⁿ hí-hí seng-oa̍h tī chi̍t-ê tōa kim-hî àng nih. Laohu hām góa chin kah-ì chò-hóe chē tī àng-á piⁿ, khòaⁿ siah-chóa soa-hî jiok kim-hî, Laohu kā bīn tah tī àng-á ê hit-pêng, án-ne góa ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê ba̍k-chiu, hòng-tōa kah ná chhiūⁿ kapi poe hiah tōa, ùi àng-á hit-pêng kim-kim teh khòaⁿ góa.

#

Góa 10 hòe ê sî, goán poaⁿ kàu tìn tùi-kak-sì ê sin chhù. Nn̄g-ê chhù-piⁿ cha-bó͘ lâi hoan-gêng goán. Pa chhiáⁿ yin lim ím-liāu, koh hōe sit-lé kóng, i tio̍h khì kong-iōng sū-gia̍p kong-si, khì chhú-lí chêng chhù-chú ê siàu-toaⁿ. "Lín bián sè-jī. Goán bó͘ bē-hiáu kóng Eng-gí, yi bô kap lín khai-káng, lín m̄-thang lia̍h-chò sī yi bô lé-māu."

Góa tī chhan-thiaⁿ tha̍k-chheh, Ma tī chàu-kha chéng-lí hêng-lí. Chhù-piⁿ tī kheh-thiaⁿ khai-káng, bô te̍k-pia̍t kóng khah sè-siaⁿ.

"I khòaⁿ khí-lâi sī chi̍t-ê chèng-siông ê lâng. I ná ē án-ne chò?"

"Hūn-ha̍p ê mi̍h chóng-sī khòaⁿ tio̍h koài-koài. Hit-ê gín-á khòaⁿ sī bô oân-chéng. Ba̍k-chiu siâ, bīn-bah pe̍h. Chi̍t-ê sió koài-bu̍t."

"Lí khòaⁿ i ē-hiáu kóng Eng-gí bô?"

Cha-bó͘ lâng tiām khì ah. Kòe chi̍t-khùn, yin ji̍p-lâi chhan-thiaⁿ.

"Hái, lí hó! Lí kiò siáⁿ miâ?"

"Jack," góa kóng.

"Thiaⁿ khí-lâi bô sêng China-miâ."

Hit-sî Ma ji̍p-lâi chhan-thiaⁿ. Yi tùi hiah-ê cha-bó͘ lâng bî-chhiò. Yin saⁿ-lâng kō͘ chi̍t-ê saⁿ-kak hêng khiā tī góa chiu-ûi, hō͘-siong bî-chhiò, tìm-thâu, bô-ōe thang kóng, it-ti̍t kàu Pa tńg-lâi.

- -

2. 我有一陣拗紙動物

順我 ê 要求, Ma mā 用包裝紙做一隻羊仔, 一隻鹿仔, kap 一隻水牛. In tī 客廳 nih 走來走去, Laohu ná 吼 ná 逐 tī in 後壁. 伊若掠著 in, 伊 tō kā in 硩倒, 一直到空氣漏空, in koh 變做拗扁扁 ê 紙. 我著 koh kā in 歕風, 歕膨膨, án-ne in 才有法度 koh 走動.

有時陣, 動物拄著麻煩. 有一改, 水牛跳入去桌頂食飯 ê 豆油碟仔 nih. (伊想欲親像真水牛 án-ne 走傱.) 我緊 kā 掠起來, 毋過毛細管作用已經 kā 深色 ê 液體懸懸欶到伊 ê 大腿. 予豆油滒軟 ê 跤腿無法度予伊徛騰, 伊 un tī 桌頂. 我 kō͘ 日頭 kā 曝焦, 毋過伊 ê 跤腿虯虯, 走 ê 時跛跛. Ma 落尾 kō͘ hô-tái 包伊 ê 跤腿, án-ne 伊 tō 會當 tī 家治 ê 心 nih 走傱 (毋過袂使 tī 豆油 nih).

猶有, 和我 tī 後尾耍 ê 時, Laohu 佮意 hop 粟鳥仔. 毋過, 有一改, 一隻走無路 ê 粟鳥仔拚命反抗, 裂破伊 ê 耳仔. 我抱伊, Ma kō͘ 膠布糊伊 ê 耳仔 ê 時, 伊 iⁿ-iⁿ uⁿ-uⁿ 哭. 以後伊 tō 袂觸鳥仔.

後來, 有一工, 我看有關鯊魚 ê 電視紀錄片, tō 要求 Ma 做一尾予我. 她做一尾鯊魚, 毋過伊 tī 桌頂 phia̍t 來 phia̍t 去, 無歡喜. 我 kā 水槽放滿水, kā 伊囥落去. 伊 tī 內面泅來泅去真歡喜. 毋過, 過一睏, 伊變做澹糊糊, 半透明, 慢慢沉到水底, 拗縒攏開去. 我伸手落去救伊, 結果我 ko͘ 著 ê 干焦是一張澹澹 ê 紙.

Laohu ê 兩支前跤爪合倚 tī 水槽邊, kā 頭 khòe tī 頂面. 耳仔垂垂, 嚨喉發出低音 ê hm̄ 聲, 予我感覺真對不住.

Ma koh 做一尾鯊魚予我, 這改是用錫紙做 ê. 鯊魚歡歡喜喜生活 tī 一个大金魚甕 nih. Laohu 和我真佮意做伙坐 tī 甕仔邊, 看錫紙鯊魚逐金魚, Laohu kā 面貼 tī 甕仔 ê 彼爿, án-ne 我會當看著伊 ê 目睭, 放大 kah ná 像 kapi 杯 hiah 大, ùi 甕仔彼爿金金 teh 看我.

#

我 10 歲 ê 時, 阮搬到鎮對角勢 ê 新厝. 兩个厝邊查某來歡迎阮. Pa 請姻啉飲料, koh 會失禮講, 伊著去公用事業公司, 去處理前厝主 ê 數單. "恁免細膩. 阮某袂曉講英語, 她無 kap 恁開講, 恁毋通掠做是她無禮貌."

我 tī 餐廳讀冊, Ma tī 灶跤整理行李. 厝邊 tī 客廳開講, 無特別講較細聲.

"伊看起來是一个正常 ê 人. 伊那會 án-ne 做?"

"混合 ê 物總是看著怪怪. 彼个囡仔看是無完整. 目睭斜, 面肉白. 一个小怪物."

"你看伊會曉講英語無?"

查某人恬去 ah. 過一睏, 姻入來餐廳.

"Hái, 你好! 你叫啥名?"

"Jack," 我講.

"聽起來無成 China 名."

彼時 Ma 入來餐廳. 她對 hiah-ê 查某人微笑. 姻三人 kō͘ 一个三角形徛 tī 我周圍, 互相微笑, 頕頭, 無話通講, 一直到 Pa 轉來.

- -

2.

At my request, Mom also made a goat, a deer, and a water buffalo out of wrapping paper. They would run around the living room while Laohu chased after them, growling. When he caught them he would press down until the air went out of them and they became just flat, folded-up pieces of paper. I would then have to blow into them to re-inflate them so they could run around some more.

Sometimes, the animals got into trouble. Once, the water buffalo jumped into a dish of soy sauce on the table at dinner. (He wanted to wallow, like a real water buffalo.) I picked him out quickly but the capillary action had already pulled the dark liquid high up into his legs. The sauce-softened legs would not hold him up, and he collapsed onto the table. I dried him out in the sun, but his legs became crooked after that, and he ran around with a limp. Mom eventually wrapped his legs in saran wrap so that he could wallow to his heart's content (just not in soy sauce).

Also, Laohu liked to pounce at sparrows when he and I played in the backyard. But one time, a cornered bird struck back in desperation and tore his ear. He whimpered and winced as I held him and Mom patched his ear together with tape. He avoided birds after that.

And then one day, I saw a TV documentary about sharks and asked Mom for one of my own. She made the shark, but he flapped about on the table unhappily. I filled the sink with water, and put him in. He swam around and around happily. However, after a while he became soggy and translucent, and slowly sank to the bottom, the folds coming undone. I reached in to rescue him, and all I ended up with was a wet piece of paper.

Laohu put his front paws together at the edge of the sink and rested his head on them. Ears drooping, he made a low growl in his throat that made me feel guilty.

Mom made a new shark for me, this time out of tin foil. The shark lived happily in a large goldfish bowl. Laohu and I liked to sit next to the bowl to watch the tin foil shark chasing the goldfish, Laohu sticking his face up against the bowl on the other side so that I saw his eyes, magnified to the size of coffee cups, staring at me from across the bowl.

#

When I was ten, we moved to a new house across town. Two of the women neighbors came by to welcome us. Dad served them drinks and then apologized for having to run off to the utility company to straighten out the prior owner's bills. "Make yourselves at home. My wife doesn't speak much English, so don't think she's being rude for not talking to you."

While I read in the dining room, Mom unpacked in the kitchen. The neighbors conversed in the living room, not trying to be particularly quiet.

"He seems like a normal enough man. Why did he do that?"

"Something about the mixing never seems right. The child looks unfinished. Slanty eyes, white face. A little monster."

"Do you think he can speak English?"

The women hushed. After a while they came into the dining room.

"Hello there! What's your name?"

"Jack," I said.

"That doesn't sound very Chinesey."

Mom came into the dining room then. She smiled at the women. The three of them stood in a triangle around me, smiling and nodding at each other, with nothing to say, until Dad came back.

- -

T. Áu-chóa Tōng-bu̍t-á | 拗紙動物仔 - 1. Pa ùi 目錄揀著 Ma

Paper Menagerie /by Ken Liu
https://gizmodo.com/read-ken-lius-amazing-story-that-swept-the-hugo-nebula-5958919

Áu-chóa Tōng-bu̍t-á | 拗紙動物仔

- -

1. Pa ùi bo̍k-lo̍k kéng tio̍h Ma

Góa siōng chá ê chi̍t-ê kì-tî sī teh chheh-khùi. Bô-lūn Ma kap Pa án-nóa chhì, góa lóng m̄ chiap-siū in ê an-tah.

Pa bô khoh chhap, lī-khui khùn-pâng, m̄-koh Ma chhōa góa kàu chàu-kha, hō͘ góa chē tī chá-tǹg ê toh-á.

"Kan, kan," yi ná kóng, ná ùi peng-siuⁿ téng-bīn khiú chi̍t-tiuⁿ pau-chong chóa. Kúi-nî lâi, Ma hó-lé-á lio-khui Kitok-Seⁿ (Christmas) lé-mi̍h ê pau-chong chóa, kā in siu tī peng-siuⁿ téng-bīn, kāu-kāu chi̍t-tha̍h. 

Yi kā chóa khǹg lo̍h, té-bīn chò téng-koân, khai-sí kā chih. Góa bô koh khàu, lia̍h yi khòaⁿ, teh hòⁿ-kî.

Yi kā chóa péng kòe-lâi, koh kā áu. Yi áu, chih, that, kńg, koh chūn, it-ti̍t kàu chóa tī yi sio-khap ê siang-chhiú tiong-kan bô--khì. Jiân-āu yi kā áu hó ê chóa-pau the̍h kàu chhùi, kā pûn-hong, ná chhiūⁿ pûn ke-kui-á án-ne.

"Kan," yi kóng. "Laohu." Yi kā siang-chhiú khǹg tī toh-á téng, kā he pàng lo̍h.

Chi̍t-ê sè-sè ê chóa hó͘ khiā tī toh-á téng, nn̄g-ê kûn-thâu-bó kap-chò-hóe hiah tōa. Hó͘-phôe sī pau-chong chóa tô͘-iūⁿ, pe̍h-sek ê pōe-kéng phòe âng-sek koái-á thn̂g hām le̍k-sek Kitok-Seⁿ chhiū.

Góa chhun-chhiú ǹg Ma ê chhòng-chok. I ê bóe tiuh chi̍t-ē, tō hèng chhih-chhih lâi chông góa ê chéng-thâu-á. "Rawrr-sa," i háu-kiò, he siaⁿ sī tī niau siaⁿ kap pò-chóa sa-sa siaⁿ tiong-kan.

Góa chhiò ah, kiaⁿ chi̍t-tiô, kō͘ kí-cháiⁿ bong i ê kha-chiah-phiaⁿ. Chóa hó͘ tī góa ê chéng-thâu-á ē chùn-tāng, hm̄-hm̄ kiò.

"Zhe jiao zhezhi," Ma kóng. Che kiò-chò origami.

Hit-sî góa iáu m̄-chai che, m̄-koh Ma ê hit-chióng chin te̍k-pia̍t. Yi kā in pûn khùi, hō͘ in chhoán kap yi kāng-khoán ê khùi, choăn kō͘ yi ê sèⁿ-miā tín-tāng. Che sī yi ê mô͘-hoat.

#

Pa sī ùi chi̍t-ê bo̍k-lo̍k kéng tio̍h Ma.

Ū chi̍t-kái, góa tī ko-tiong, góa mn̄g Pa sè-chiat. I siūⁿ boeh kiò góa koh kap Ma kóng-ōe.

Tī 1973 nî chhun-thiⁿ, i pò-miâ chham-ka kài-siāu ho̍k-bū. I ûn-ûn-á hian ia̍h, múi-ia̍h iōng bô kúi bió-cheng, it-ti̍t kàu i khòaⁿ tio̍h Ma ê siòng-phìⁿ hit-ia̍h.

Góa m̄-bat khòaⁿ-kòe chit-tiuⁿ siòng. Pa án-ne kóng: Ma chē tī í-á, thán-khi-sin tùi kiàⁿ-thâu, chhēng chi̍t-niá ha̍h-su ê le̍k-sek tn̂g-saⁿ. Yi oa̍t-thâu hiòng kiàⁿ-thâu, tn̂g-tn̂g ê o͘-thâu-mo͘ súi-súi sûi tī heng-chêng hām keng-thâu. Yi kō͘ koai gín-á ê ba̍k-chiu kim-kim khòaⁿ i. 

"He sī góa khòaⁿ ê bo̍k-lo̍k ê siōng-bóe ia̍h," i kóng.

Bo̍k-lo̍k kóng yi 18-hòe, ài thiàu-bú, Eng-gí bē-bái, in-ūi yi sī ùi Hong Kong lâi ê. Chiah-ê chu-liāu bô chi̍t-hāng sī chin ê.

I siá-phe hō͘ yi, kong-si lâi-lâi khì-khì thoân in ê sìn-sit. Lo̍h-bóe, i poe khì Hong Kong kìⁿ yi.

"Yi ê hôe-phe it-tit sī kong-si ê lâng thè yi siá ê. Tî-liáu ‘hello’ hām ‘good-bye’ í-gōa, yi kin-pún bē-hiáu Eng-gí."

Siáⁿ-khoán cha-bó͘ ē kā ka-tī khǹg tī bo̍k-lo̍k hō͘ lâng bé? Ko-tiong ê góa siūⁿ-kóng góa ta̍k-hāng chai. Biáu-sī ê kám-kak chin hó, ná chhiūⁿ chiú.

I bô chông-ji̍p pān-kong-sek thó chîⁿ tńg-lâi, i hù-chîⁿ hō͘ hotel ho̍k-bū-oân thè in chò hoan-e̍k.

"Góa kóng-ōe ê sî, yi khòaⁿ góa, ba̍k-sîn pòaⁿ kiaⁿ pòaⁿ kî-thāi. Thiaⁿ ho̍k-bū-oân hoan-e̍k góa ê ōe ê sî, yi khai-sí bî-bî-á chhiò."

I poe tńg Connecticut, khai-sí sin-chhéng hō͘ yi lâi ê bûn-kiāⁿ, chi̍t-nî liáu-āu, góa chhut-sì, he sī Hó͘-nî.

- -

1. Pa ùi 目錄揀著 Ma

我上早 ê 一个記持是 teh chheh 氣. 無論 Ma kap Pa 按怎試, 我攏毋接受 in ê 安搭.

Pa 無 khoh chhap, 離開睏房, 毋過 Ma chhōa 我到灶跤, 予我坐 tī 早頓 ê 桌仔.

"Kan, kan," 她 ná 講, ná ùi 冰箱頂面搝一張包裝紙. 幾年來, Ma 好禮仔 lio 開基督生 (Chritmas) 禮物 ê 包裝紙, kā in 收 tī 冰箱頂面, 厚厚一疊. 

她 kā 紙囥落, 底面做頂懸, 開始 kā 摺. 我無 koh 哭, 掠她看, teh 好奇.

她 kā 紙 péng 過來, koh kā 拗. 她拗, 摺, 窒, 捲, koh 捘, 一直到紙 tī 她相 khap ê 雙手中間無去. 然後她 kā 拗好 ê 紙包提到喙, kā 歕風, ná 像歕雞胿仔 án-ne.

"Kan," 她講. "Laohu." 她 kā 雙手囥 tī 桌仔頂, kā 彼放落.

一个細細 ê 紙虎徛 tī 桌仔頂, 兩个拳頭母敆做伙 hiah 大. 虎皮是包裝紙圖樣, 白色 ê 背景配紅色枴仔糖和綠色基督生樹.

我伸手 ǹg Ma ê 創作. 伊 ê 尾搐一下, tō  興 chhih-chhih 來傱我 ê 指頭仔. "Rawrr-sa," 伊吼叫, 彼聲是 tī 貓聲 kap 報紙 sa-sa 聲中間.

我笑 ah, 驚一趒, kō͘ kí-cháiⁿ 摸伊 ê 尻脊骿. 紙虎 tī 我 ê 指頭仔下顫動, hm̄-hm̄ 叫.

"Zhe jiao zhezhi," Ma 講. 這叫做 origami.

彼時我猶毋知這, 毋過 Ma ê 彼種真特別. 她 kā in 歕氣, 予 in 喘 kap 她仝款 ê 氣, choăn kō͘ 她 ê 性命振動. 這是她 ê 魔法.

#

Pa 是 ùi 一个目錄揀著 Ma.

有一改, 我 tī 高中, 我問 Pa 細節. 伊想欲叫我 koh kap Ma 講話.

Tī 1973 年春天, 伊報名參加介紹服務. 伊勻勻仔掀頁, 每頁用無幾秒鐘, 一直到伊看著 Ma ê 相片彼頁.

我 m̄-bat 看過這張相. Pa án-ne 講: Ma 坐 tī 椅仔, 坦敧身對鏡頭, 穿一領合軀 ê 綠色長衫. 她越頭向鏡頭, 長長 ê 烏頭毛媠媠垂 tī 胸前和肩頭. 她 kō͘ 乖囡仔 ê 目睭金金看伊. 

"彼是我看 ê 目錄 ê 上尾頁," 伊講.

目錄講她 18 歲, 愛跳舞, 英語袂䆀, 因為她是 ùi Hong Kong 來 ê. Chiah-ê 資料無一項是真 ê.

伊寫批予她, 公司來來去去傳 in ê 信息. 落尾, 伊飛去 Hong Kong 見她.

"她 ê 回批一直是公司 ê 人替她寫 ê. 除了 ‘hello’ 和 ‘good-bye’ 以外, 她根本袂曉英語."

啥款查某會 kā 家治囥 tī 目錄予人買? 高中 ê 我想講我逐項知. 藐視 ê 感覺真好, ná 像酒.

伊無傱入辦公室討錢轉來, 伊付錢予 hotel 服務員替 in 做翻譯.

"我講話 ê 時, 她看我, 目神半驚半期待. 聽服務員翻譯我 ê 話 ê 時, 她開始微微仔笑."

伊飛轉 Connecticut, 開始申請予她來 ê 文件, 一年了後, 我出世, 彼是虎年.

- -

1.

One of my earliest memories starts with me sobbing. I refused to be soothed no matter what Mom and Dad tried.

Dad gave up and left the bedroom, but Mom took me into the kitchen and sat me down at the breakfast table.

"Kan, kan," she said, as she pulled a sheet of wrapping paper from on top of the fridge. For years, Mom carefully sliced open the wrappings around Christmas gifts and saved them on top of the fridge in a thick stack.

She set the paper down, plain side facing up, and began to fold it. I stopped crying and watched her, curious.

She turned the paper over and folded it again. She pleated, packed, tucked, rolled, and twisted until the paper disappeared between her cupped hands. Then she lifted the folded-up paper packet to her mouth and blew into it, like a balloon.

"Kan," she said. "Laohu." She put her hands down on the table and let go.

A little paper tiger stood on the table, the size of two fists placed together. The skin of the tiger was the pattern on the wrapping paper, white background with red candy canes and green Christmas trees.

I reached out to Mom's creation. Its tail twitched, and it pounced playfully at my finger. "Rawrr-sa," it growled, the sound somewhere between a cat and rustling newspapers.

I laughed, startled, and stroked its back with an index finger. The paper tiger vibrated under my finger, purring.

"Zhe jiao zhezhi," Mom said. This is called origami.

I didn't know this at the time, but Mom's kind was special. She breathed into them so that they shared her breath, and thus moved with her life. This was her magic.

#

Dad had picked Mom out of a catalog.

One time, when I was in high school, I asked Dad about the details. He was trying to get me to speak to Mom again.

He had signed up for the introduction service back in the spring of 1973. Flipping through the pages steadily, he had spent no more than a few seconds on each page until he saw the picture of Mom.

I've never seen this picture. Dad described it: Mom was sitting in a chair, her side to the camera, wearing a tight green silk cheongsam. Her head was turned to the camera so that her long black hair was draped artfully over her chest and shoulder. She looked out at him with the eyes of a calm child.

"That was the last page of the catalog I saw," he said.

The catalog said she was eighteen, loved to dance, and spoke good English because she was from Hong Kong. None of these facts turned out to be true.

He wrote to her, and the company passed their messages back and forth. Finally, he flew to Hong Kong to meet her.

"The people at the company had been writing her responses. She didn't know any English other than 'hello' and 'goodbye.'"

What kind of woman puts herself into a catalog so that she can be bought? The high school me thought I knew so much about everything. Contempt felt good, like wine.

Instead of storming into the office to demand his money back, he paid a waitress at the hotel restaurant to translate for them.

"She would look at me, her eyes halfway between scared and hopeful, while I spoke. And when the girl began translating what I said, she'd start to smile slowly."

He flew back to Connecticut and began to apply for the papers for her to come to him. I was born a year later, in the Year of the Tiger.

- -

6. 這个代誌, 咱著結做伙

6. Chit-ê tāi-chì, lán tio̍h kat chò-hóe

16-Hō hām 45-Hō ǹg i khòaⁿ chi̍t-ē. I kóng bē chhut yin ê piáu-chêng. Sī tī tông-chêng kap khòaⁿ-khin tiong-kan ê piáu-chêng. I m̄-chai hit-ê sû boeh án-nóa kóng, m̄-koh i chin chheng-chhó sī án-ne. He hām i kā mama kóng Sparse ê sî, mama ê piáu-chêng tō sī án-ne.

"Góa chai-iáⁿ liáu, góa chhiâng-chāi sái chhia keng-kòe lín chhù." Che sī 8-Hō. Yi khòaⁿ ka-tī chē tio̍h ê kha-thúi. "Góa bat siūⁿ boeh sái góa ê chhia ji̍p lí ê khùn-pâng."

"Góa bat siūⁿ tio̍h koh khah bái ê tāi-chì," 45-Hō kóng.

"Góa mā sī," 16-Hō kóng.

*

"Góa pó-chèng, góa pó-chèng," Rusty teh án-ne kóng. I khòaⁿ tio̍h in mama kā hun-sái tò ji̍p soda kóng-á nih. Yi kā i kóng, in ē lú lâi lú hó. In papa í-keng lī-khui. "Kòe-khì m̄-bat án-ne," yi kóng. "Góa mā kī-choa̍t koh kóng-khí chit-ê tāi-chì."

45-Hō khui-chhùi ah. "Góa bē-tit liáu-kái ê sī, lí ná it-ti̍t teh chài goán?"

Rusty kō͘ thâu ǹg kòe-tō tùi-bīn ê kàu-liān pí chi̍t-ē, kàu-liān iáu bô ì-sek. I bô khak-tēng yin sī-m̄-sī chai i ê ì-sù, it-tit kàu 8-Hō kóng, "Siūⁿ ē-kàu."

"Yin mama kā gín-á chhōa tī sin-piⁿ." DeDe teh chhit yi ê bīn. "Seⁿ-chò ná chhiūⁿ lí. Ba̍k-chiu chin sêng."

"Góa pó-chèng," Rusty koh kóng. "Góa pó-chèng, góa pó-chèng."

DeDe chhun-chhiú hiòng i, i kín-kín kiu hiòng āu. Yi put-kò sī khǹg chi̍t-tè chhit-kōaⁿ pò͘ kàu i ê phīⁿ. "Koai," yi kóng. "Lí koh teh lâu hoeh ah."

Hó͘-bó Tūi i-chiàu yin ê kè-ōe. Thiⁿ-khì chi̍t-ē chheng, its sit-sū liōng-iok nn̄g tiám-cheng liáu-āu, yin tō iân chiu-chè kong-lō͘ hiòng Thài-khong Tō kiâⁿ khì. Yin bô-lâng boeh lâu lo̍h-lâi pôe Rusty kap kàu-liān. 8-Hō kā Rusty kóng, in nn̄g-lâng tī chia bô hûi-hiám. Chóng-kóng, yin mama sī i-seng. Rusty kóng, i siūⁿ-kóng, yin mama sī hō͘-sū, 8-Hō kā ba̍k-chiu bî chi̍t-ē. "Chip-gia̍p hō͘-sū," yi kóng. I bô hoâi-gî ka-tī bô hûi-hiám, m̄-koh bô khak-tēng kàu-liān ê chōng-hóng. I ê hia̍h-thâu hit-lu khòaⁿ tio̍h iáu chin hāi. Tán chă gín-á cháu kah bô thiaⁿ-e siaⁿ ê sî, kàu-liān chiah chhéⁿ lâi, koh chông chhut-khì, thò͘ tī kau-á té.

 Rusty tī bus thâu-chêng chhōe, khòaⁿ tio̍h Catwoman manga chheh chiⁿ tī iû-mn̂g ta̍h-á ē-bīn. I kā khòaⁿ liáu: O͘-thâu-mo͘ ê Selina Kyle lâi kàu Lâm Bí-chiu ê iá-seng chhiū-nâ, kō͘ yi it-koàn lâi-bô-iáⁿ khì-bô-jiah ê siang-kiàm tī hia taⁿ-kek chèng to̍k-thâu (drug lords). Kàu-liān í-keng chhēng hó polo-saⁿ, tú teh kā siang-kha chhēng New Balance kiû-ê, hit-sî Rusty ta̍h chhut bus.

Rusty siang-kha ē-bīn kám-kak kau-á té ê chháu chiùⁿ-chiùⁿ, múi ta̍h chi̍t-pō͘ lóng ū chiùⁿ siaⁿ.

"Góa siūⁿ in ē in-ūi che kā góa sî thâu-lō͘," kàu-liān kóng. I boeh kiâⁿ óa Rusty ê sî, phiân chi̍t-ē soah kūi lo̍h-lâi. I koh khiā khí-lâi ê sî, thô͘-kha hoat chhut koài siaⁿ. "Koh siūⁿ khòaⁿ-māi, góa siūⁿ góa ē-tàng ka-tī sî-tiāu."

Rusty peh khí kau-á hōaⁿ, khiā tī chiu-chè kong-lō͘ piⁿ. Ū kúi-ā tiâu ji̍t-kng chhng kòe thiⁿ-téng o͘-hûn chiò lo̍h-lâi. Chi̍t-kóa chiáu-á tī thiⁿ-téng se̍h-kho͘-á, tī hong-hō͘ kòe-liáu ê an-chēng nih khí kông. Lō͘ ê siang-thâu lóng bô chhia lâi. Delta tō sī chiah-nī bê-lâng: khang kah hō͘ lí siong-sìn i sī hiah tōa. I kā Catwoman kńg khí-lâi, chò tiàu-kiàⁿ khòaⁿ. Hó͘-bó Tūi tāi-khài tī pòaⁿ mai í-gōa, ná kiâⁿ ná hàiⁿ chah khì hông-sin ê battah. M̄-koh, Rusty chai-iáⁿ yin bē tú-tio̍h mâ-hoân. Yin khó-lêng ē hō͘ tī Thài-khong Tō kang-chok ê lâng sa-bô-cháng, DeDe tio̍h chhut-lâi kái-soeh. Seng kā Thài-khong Tō ê ka-iû-oân soeh-bêng, koh-lâi mā tio̍h kā chiap tiān-ōe hit-thâu, m̄-koán siáng, koh soat-bêng chi̍t-piàn. E-àm, tán Rusty lī-khui pēⁿ-īⁿ kàu chhù ê sî, i bē ùi sit-sū hit-tiám khai-sí kóng. I ē kóng khah kán-té: hit-ê gín-á. Sī án-nóa bô-lâng kă kóng? i boeh mn̄g in mama. I chhì siūⁿ yi ē án-nóa tap, m̄-koh siūⁿ bē-lâi.

"Rus?" Kàu-liān chóng-sǹg peh chhut kau-á, khiā tī i sin-piⁿ. "Lán tio̍h siūⁿ khòaⁿ boeh án-nóa kā in kóng. Lán boeh kā in kóng siáⁿ?"

Rusty kè-sio̍k khòaⁿ Hó͘-bó Tūi. Delta ū-kàu pêⁿ, i ē-tàng kú-kú khòaⁿ yin kiâⁿ hn̄g. I kā manga chheh pàng lo̍h, chhun-khui chhiú-pôaⁿ. Tō chhiūⁿ án-ne, i kā Hó͘-bó Tūi lia̍h tī chhiú tiong.

"Lí phah-pháiⁿ tāi-chì, m̄-koh góa tio̍h taⁿ chek-jīm, lí chai lah." Kàu-liān khioh khí manga chheh, kō͘ he phah Rusty ê kha-chhng-táu. "Chit-ê tāi-chì, lán ài chò pêng-iú. Kat chò-hóe. Lí chai góa ê ì-sù."

Chiām-chiām, Hó͘-bó Tūi lú lâi lú kiu. I hiō-hóe bô kì yin ê miâ. Hoān-sè iáu ū sî-kan. Tī ha̍k-hāu, a̍h sī tī tìn nih. M̄-koh i bô-hoat-tō͘ siūⁿ, í-āu yin kap i chhut-khì sńg ê chêng-hêng. Carrie-Anne. I chai hit-ê miâ. Achí, hmh, hit-ê miâ i mā chai. Kàu-liān kè-sio̍k it-ti̍t kóng, m̄-koh Rusty chi̍t-kù mā bô kā thiaⁿ. I boeh chiáng-ak Hó͘-bó Tūi, múi chi̍t-ê, chīn-liōng kú tī i ê chhiú-pôaⁿ nih, taⁿ yin lú lâi lú sè ah, lo̍h-bóe, yin lóng khòaⁿ bē-tio̍h ah.

(Soah)

- -

6. 這个代誌, 咱著結做伙

16 號和 45 號 ǹg 伊看一下. 伊講袂出姻 ê 表情. 是 tī 同情 kap 看輕中間 ê 表情. 伊毋知彼个詞欲按怎講, 毋過伊真清楚是 án-ne.  He 和伊 kā mama 講 Sparse ê 時, mama ê 表情就是 án-ne.

"我知影了, 我常在駛車經過恁厝." 這是 8 號. 她看家治坐著 ê 跤腿. "我 bat 想欲駛我 ê 車入你 ê 睏房."

"我 bat 想著 koh 較䆀 ê 代誌," 45 號講.

"我 mā 是," 16 號講.

*

"我保證, 我保證," Rusty teh án-ne 講. 伊看著 in mama kā 薰屎倒入 soda 管仔 nih. 她 kā 伊講, in 會 lú 來 lú 好. In papa 已經離開. "過去 m̄-bat án-ne," 她講. "我 mā 拒絕 koh 講起這个代誌."

45 號開喙 ah. "我袂得了解 ê 是, 你那一直 teh 載阮?"

Rusty kō͘ 頭 ǹg 過道對面 ê 教練比一下, 教練猶無意識. 伊無確定姻是毋是知伊 ê 意思, 一直到 8 號講, "想會到."

"姻 mama kā 囡仔 chhōa tī 身邊." DeDe teh 拭她 ê 面. "生做 ná 像你. 目睭真成."

"我保證," Rusty koh 講. "我保證, 我保證."

DeDe 伸手向伊, 伊緊緊勼向後. 她不過是囥一塊拭汗布到伊 ê 鼻. "乖," 她講. "你 koh teh 流血 ah."

虎母隊依照姻 ê 計畫. 天氣一下清, its 失事量約兩點鐘了後, 姻 tō 沿州際公路向太空道行去. 姻無人欲留落來陪 Rusty kap 教練. 8 號 kā Rusty 講, in 兩人 tī chia 無危險. 總講, 姻 mama 是醫生. Rusty 講, 伊想講, 姻 mama 是護士, 8 號 kā 目睭咪一下. "執業護士," 她講. 伊無懷疑家治無危險, 毋過無確定教練 ê 狀況. 伊 ê 額頭彼 lu 看著猶真害. 等 chă 囡仔走 kah 無聽 e 聲 ê 時, 教練才醒來, koh 傱出去, 吐 tī 溝仔底.

 Rusty tī bus 頭前揣, 看著 Catwoman manga 冊櫼 tī 油門踏仔下面. 伊 kā 看了: 烏頭毛 ê Selina Kyle 來到南美洲 ê 野生樹林, kō͘ 她一貫來無影去無跡 ê 雙劍 tī hia 打擊眾毒頭 (drug lords). 教練已經穿好 polo 衫, 拄 teh kā 雙跤穿 New Balance 球鞋, 彼時 Rusty 踏出 bus.

Rusty 雙跤下面感覺溝仔底 ê 草醬醬, 每踏一步攏有醬聲.

"我想 in 會因為這 kā 我辭頭路," 教練講. 伊欲行倚 Rusty ê 時, 蹁一下煞跪落來. 伊 koh 徛起來 ê 時, 塗跤發出怪聲. "Koh 想看覓, 我想我會當家治辭掉."

Rusty peh 起溝仔岸, 徛 tī 州際公路邊. 有幾若條日光穿過天頂烏雲照落來. 一寡鳥仔 tī 天頂踅箍仔, tī 風雨過了 ê 安靜 nih 起狂. 路 ê 雙頭攏無車來. Delta 就是 chiah-nī 迷人: 空 kah 予你相信伊是 hiah 大. 伊 kā Catwoman 捲起來, 做召鏡看. 虎母隊大概 tī 半 mai 以外, ná 行 ná 幌扎去防身 ê battah. 毋過, Rusty 知影姻袂拄著麻煩. 姻可能會予 tī 太空道工作 ê 人捎無總, DeDe 著出來解說. 先 kā 太空道 ê 加油員說明, 閣來 mā 著 kā 接電話彼頭, 毋管 siáng, koh 說明一遍. 下暗, 等 Rusty 離開病院到厝 ê 時, 伊袂 ùi 失事彼點開始講. 伊會講較簡短: 彼个囡仔. 是按怎無人 kă 講? 伊欲問 in mama. 伊試想她會按怎答, 毋過想袂來.

"Rus?" 教練總算 peh 出溝仔, 徛 tī 伊身邊. "咱著想看欲按怎 kā in 講. 咱欲 kā in 講啥?"

Rusty 繼續看虎母隊. Delta 有夠平, 伊會當久久看姻行遠. 伊 kā manga 冊放落, 伸開手盤. Tō 像 án-ne, 伊 kā 虎母隊掠 tī 手中.

"你拍歹代誌, 毋過我著擔責任, 你知 lah." 教練抾起 manga 冊, kō͘ 彼拍 Rusty ê 尻川斗. "這个代誌, 咱愛做朋友. 結做伙. 你知我 ê 意思."

漸漸, 虎母隊 lú 來 lú 勼. 伊後悔無記姻 ê 名. 凡勢猶有時間. Tī 學校, a̍h 是 tī 鎮 nih. 毋過伊無法度想, 以後姻 kap 伊出去耍 ê 情形. Carrie-Anne. 伊知彼个名. Achí, hmh, 彼个名伊 mā 知. 教練繼續一直講, 毋過 Rusty 一句 mā 無 kā 聽. 伊欲掌握虎母隊, 每一个, 盡量久 tī 伊 ê 手盤 nih, 今姻 lú 來 lú 細 ah, 落尾, 姻攏看袂著 ah.

(煞)

- -

6.

Numbers 16 and 45 glanced his way. He couldn’t make out their expressions. Something between pity and contempt. He didn’t have the word for it, but he knew it well. It was the same look his mother gave him when he told her about Sparse.

“I used to drive by y’all’s house after I found out.” This was Number 8. She looked at her lap. “I used to think about driving my car into his bedroom.”

“I used to think worse,” said Number 45.

“Me too,” said Number 16.

*

“I promise, I promise,” Rusty was saying. He saw his mom dipping ashes in the soda can. She was telling him they’d be better off. With his dad gone. “It never happened,” she’d said. “And I refuse to speak on it anymore.”

Number 45 spoke up. “What I can’t understand is why you kept driving us?”

Rusty nodded to the coach across the aisle, still unconscious. He wasn’t sure if they understood what he meant until Number 8 said, “Figures.”

“Her mom had the baby with her.” DeDe was wiping her face. “Looks like you too. Same eyes.”

“I promise,” Rusty said again. “I promise, I promise.”

DeDe reached toward him, and he violently jerked back. She was only placing a sweat rag against his nose. “Here,” she said. “You’re bleeding again.”

The Lady Tigers stuck to their plan. As soon as the weather cleared, some two hours after the wreck, they were trailing down the interstate toward the Space-Way. None of them wanted to stay behind with Rusty and the coach. Number 8 assured him they were both out of danger. Her mom was a doctor after all. When Rusty said he thought she was a nurse, Number 8 squinted. “Nurse practitioner,” she said. He doubted very much that he was ever in danger, but the coach was a question mark. His knot still looked nasty. He came to when the girls were out of earshot and stumbled outside to puke in the ditch.

Rusty searched the front of the bus until he found the Catwoman comic wedged under the gas pedal. He looked it over: The raven-haired Selina Kyle had found herself in the jungles of South America, fighting drug lords with her usual mix of stealth, sass, and double-jointedness. The coach had put on his polo and was shoving his feet into his New Balances when Rusty stepped off the bus.

The weedy ditch felt soggy beneath Rusty’s feet, a loud sucking sound with each step.

“I think they may try to fire me over this,” the coach said. He stumbled to his knees when he tried to walk over to Rusty. The ground made more ugly noises as he straightened back up. “Second thought, I think I may just quit.”

Rusty climbed the small bank and stood on the edge of the interstate. Bits of sunlight burned through the remaining overcast. Birds wheeled around in the big sky, crazed by the stillness left after the storm. Not a single car coming in either direction. That was the Delta for you: so empty it could convince you it was big. He rolled up the Catwoman and peered through it. The Lady Tigers were about half a mile away, toting their bats in case of trouble. But Rusty knew there wouldn’t be any. They would probably confuse the hell out of whoever was working the Space-Way until DeDe explained everything. First to the Space-Way attendant, then to whomever she got on the pay phone. When Rusty got home tonight after being checked out by the hospital, he wouldn’t begin with the wreck. He would cut to the quick: the baby. Why didn’t anybody tell me? he would ask his mom. He tried imagining her answer, but none came.

“Rus?” The coach had managed to make it up the ditch somehow and stood beside him. “We got to think about what we’re gonna tell them. What we’re going to say.”

Rusty kept looking at the Lady Tigers. The Delta was flat enough that he could watch them walking away for a long time. He dropped the comic and stretched out his palm. Like this, in forced perspective, he held the Lady Tigers in his hand.

“You wrecked us, but my ass is the one on the line, you see.” The coach picked up the comic and swatted at Rusty’s hip. “We need to be friends on this. Stick together. You know what I mean?”

Little by little, the Lady Tigers shrank. He regretted not learning all their names. Maybe there was still time. At school, around town. But he couldn’t exactly picture them hanging out with him after this. Carrie-Anne. He knew that name. Sister. Well, he knew that one too. The coach kept on talking, and Rusty didn’t listen to a word of it. He wanted to hold the team, all of them, in his palm for as long as he could, as they continued to get smaller and smaller until, at last, they were no more.

- -

//

From SWEET AND LOW by Nick White, published by Blue Rider Press, an imprint of Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Originally published in Triangle House Review. Copyright © 2018 by Nick White.

5. 發現 papa 和 00 單獨 tī 場館

5. Hoat-hiān papa hām 00 tan-to̍k tī tiûⁿ-koán

Hó͘-bó Tūi tiām-tiām chi̍t-khùn. Yin ê bīn bô hiòng i, teh chù-ì gōa-kháu ê kńg-lê-á hong. I siūⁿ boeh kóng, Góa teh bîn-bāng!, m̄-koh kóng bē chhut-siaⁿ. Hó͘-bó tūi-oân se̍h-thâu kòe-lâi, ká-ná ū thiaⁿ tio̍h. Yin oat kòe-lâi, chhùi khui-khui, tōa-siaⁿ kóng-ōe.

I hut-leh chhéⁿ khí-lâi.

8-Hō chē tī i sin-piⁿ, se̍h-se̍h liām. "Lí ū náu chìn-tōng, sam-pat," yi án-ne kóng. "Taⁿ bē-sái khùn."

"Kàu-liān án-nóa ah?"

Yi kā i kóng, kàu-liān bô kāng, m̄-koh bô kóng siông-sè.

Chi̍t-koàn iû sé-sé ê thô͘-tāu-chiùⁿ se̍h leh thoân. Hó͘-bó tūi-oân kō͘ kāng chi̍t-ki thng-sî-á óe kui-kô͘ lâi chia̍h. 45-Hō phah-khui peng-tháng, teh pun kō͘ chóa-poe-á té ê tháng-á lāi ê e̍k-thé -- sī kiô-sek ê bó͘-chióng mi̍h. Khòaⁿ tio̍h yi, Rusty siūⁿ-khí lāu-táu hûn, i tō mn̄g 8-Hō chit-ê tāi-chì.

"Bô tāi-chì," yi kóng, siaⁿ pàng sè-sè. "Ū-sî yi kóng-ōe sī ūi-tio̍h ín lâng chù-ì."

Theⁿ tī in thâu-chêng pâi ê DeDe àⁿ-sin kòe-lâi, kā 8-Hō kóng yi ū chi̍t-ê siūⁿ-hoat, thang hō͘ chit-ê cha-bó͘-thé-ê pó-chhî chheng-chhéⁿ. Yin tio̍h kóng-kó͘, ná-chhiūⁿ ûi tī iâⁿ-hóe án-ne.

45-Hō kín-pō͘ kàu kòe-tō āu-tōaⁿ. "Siáⁿ khoán ê kó͘?"

"Ū kóng-ōe hit-chióng," DeDe kóng, ta̍k-ê tō soāiⁿ-soāiⁿ kiò.

8-Hō ná phok Rusty ê kha-thâu-u, ná soan-pò͘ kóng, yi ū chi̍t-ê. "Chi̍t-ê hó-liāu ê," yi kóng. "Jî-chhiáⁿ che kap lán taⁿ ê khùn-kéng ū koan-liân." Yi kè-sio̍k kóng, yi tī it-nî-á ê sî, bat ê chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ gín-á. "Yi ê thâu-chang sī chang-sek ê, seⁿ-chò sè-sè, chin sè-lia̍p-chí. Yi khiâ-bé, yin pē-bú sī siù-i." Yi chhiúⁿ kòe thô͘-tāu-chiùⁿ ê koàn-á, ó͘ chi̍t-kô͘ chang-sek ê mi̍h ji̍p yi ê chhùi.

16-Hō khòaⁿ kah gāng-gāng. "Che ná sī siáⁿ-mih kó͘ ah?"

DeDe kóng, "Koh lâi neh?"

8-Hō pō͘ oân liáu, kā koàn-á kau hō͘ Rusty. I bô the̍h.

45-Hō kóng, "Taⁿ tàu-té sī hoat-seng siáⁿ tāi-chì ah?"

Bē-su che sī hō͘ yi ê chi̍t-ê àm-sī, 8-Hō kóng, "Oh, sī lah, yi sí tī chi̍t-ê kńg-lê-á hong nih." Yi tòng-tiām chi̍t-ē, bô-lâng kóng siáⁿ, yi tō koh kóng lo̍h. "Só͘-í, hit-ê kńg-lê-á hong kńg cháu yi ê pang-keng ê piah, yi ê chhùi nih that-móa che, lín án-chóaⁿ kóng che, iù-sap-á?"

DeDe chhap-ōe mn̄g, kò͘-sū ê tiōng-tiám sī siáⁿ.

"Tiōng-tiám?"

Rusty kái-soeh kóng: "Lí ná boeh kăn kóng chia-e?"

"Góa ioh -- góa m̄-chai -- pháiⁿ tāi-chì ē hoat-seng? Kai-sí."

16-Hō lia̍h kàu-liān nńg siô-siô ê chhiú, ǹg 8-Hō iô. "Halo, góa siūⁿ goán í-keng chai ah lah."

8-Hō iô yi ê tiong-cháiⁿ hō͘ chèng-lâng khòaⁿ ê sî, liân Rusty mā ài chhiò.

62-Hō kóng, "Culpepper Kàu-liān sī kóng-kó͘ ê lâng."

Rusty kóng, "I sī si-jîn."

"Kāng-khoán ê chha-pia̍t."

DeDe kiò ta̍k-ê chēng lo̍h-lâi. Yi ū chi̍t-ê kò͘-sū.

"Lí lâu phīⁿ-hoeh," yi kóng, ná khòaⁿ Rusty. "Lí hō͘ góa siūⁿ khí Carrie-Anne."

45-Hō kóng, "Oh, thiⁿ ah: lâu phīⁿ-hoeh."

Rusty siūⁿ khí-lâi. Lâu phīⁿ-hoeh kòe-khì sī yi ê piau-chì. Pí-sài chêng teh ka-un khian-kiû ê chhiú-kut sî, ū-sî yi ē lâu phīⁿ-hoeh. "Siuⁿ kín-tiuⁿ," in lāu-pē án-ne kóng. M̄-koh phīⁿ-hoeh piàn-chò chi̍t-ê bê-sìn. Chóng-kóng, yi sī tâu-chhiú-lu (pitcher’s mond) téng-koân ê khùi-la̍t, kā kiû khian hiòng sin-châi nn̄g-pōe tōa ê battah chhiú (hitter). M̄-koh, tī yi ê phīⁿ kō-hoeh ê pí-sài tang-tiong, yi khian-chhut oân-hong (完封, shutout), bô hō͘ tùi-hong jīm-hô chi̍t-ê kiû-oân chiūⁿ lúi.

Rusty kóng, "Khòng-khòng."

DeDe ê ba̍k-chiu niàu khí-lâi. "Téng kò goe̍h, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h yin mama."

16-Hō kóng, "Siūⁿ-kóng yin poaⁿ-chhù ah."

"Sī ūi-tio̍h seⁿ gín-á."

Rusty siūⁿ khí hit-sî, i hoat-hiān tī chú-tiûⁿ pí-sài chìn-chêng in tan-to̍k tī tiûⁿ-koán nih. In papa hām Khòng-khòng. I the̍h chi̍t-pau peng-kak ù yi ê phīⁿ-lēng, boeh chí-hoeh. Hoeh lâu kàu i ê chhiú āu-khiau âng-âng, Rusty khòaⁿ kah siūⁿ boeh thò͘. In papa tio̍h khah sió-sim leh, i ē-kì-tit i án-ne siūⁿ, bē-sái hō͘ yi ê hoeh kā i bak kah án-ne seⁿ.

"Góa m̄-chai-iáⁿ," i sūn-chhùi kóng.

Bô-lâng thiaⁿ tio̍h i: Yin lóng teh thiaⁿ DeDe kóng. Kóng yi án-chóaⁿ tī Sunflower Chhī-tiûⁿ. Kóng yi án-chóaⁿ kan-ta kò͘ ka-tī ê tāi-chì, ūi yin mama khòaⁿ chhiah-chiam, hit-sî ū siáⁿ ji̍p-lâi? He sī Carrie-Anne ê mama. Hiông-hiông, DeDe siūⁿ boeh cháu khì bih. "M̄-koh, góa koh án-ne siūⁿ: Bián. Goán bô chò siáⁿ kiàn-siàu ê tāi-chì, kám ū?" Choăn, yin khai-káng. Siōng tāi-seng kóng thiⁿ-khì. Koh lâi Carrie-Anne ê mama kóng yin chă-kiáⁿ kòe liáu "bē-bái." Í-keng tit-tio̍h GED (phó͘-thong kàu-io̍k chèng-su). Taⁿ tī siā-khu ha̍k-īⁿ siu-khò. "Kai-sí ê sī -- yi kè-sio̍k sak yi ê chhia-á khì āu chi̍t-ê kòe-tō. Chū-chū chāi-chāi chò yi khì."

"Góa m̄-chai lah," Rusty koh kóng. "Pó-chèng."

- -

5. 發現 papa 和 00 單獨 tī 場館

虎母隊恬恬一睏. 姻 ê 面無向伊, teh 注意外口 ê 捲螺仔風. 伊想欲講, 我 teh 眠夢!, 毋過講袂出聲. 虎母隊員踅頭過來, ká-ná 有聽著. 姻斡過來, 喙開開, 大聲講話.

伊 hut-leh 醒起來.

8 號坐 tī 伊身邊, 踅踅念. "你有腦震盪, 三八," 她 án-ne 講. "今袂使睏."

"教練按怎 ah?"

她 kā 伊講, 教練無仝, 毋過無講詳細.

一罐油洗洗 ê 塗豆醬踅 leh 傳. 虎母隊員 kō͘ 仝一支湯匙仔挖規糊來食. 45 號拍開冰桶, teh 分 kō͘ 紙杯仔貯 ê 桶仔內 ê 液體 -- 是茄色 ê 某種物. 看著她, Rusty 想起漏斗雲, 伊 tō 問 8 號這个代誌.

"無代誌," 她講, 聲放細細. "有時她講話是為著引人注意."

撐 tī in 頭前排 ê DeDe àⁿ 身過來, kā 8 號講她有一个想法, 通予這个查某體 ê 保持清醒. 姻著講古, ná 像圍 tī 營火 án-ne.

45 號緊步到過道後段. "啥款 ê 古?"

"有講話彼種," DeDe 講, 逐个 tō 檨檨叫.

8 號 ná 撲 Rusty ê 跤頭趺, ná 宣布講, 她有一个. "一个好料 ê," 她講. "而且這 kap 咱今 ê 困境有關連." 她繼續講, 她 tī 一年仔 ê 時, 捌 ê 一个查某囡仔. "她 ê 頭鬃是棕色 ê, 生做細細, 真細粒子. 她騎馬, 姻爸母是獸醫." 她搶過塗豆醬 ê 罐仔, 挖一糊棕色 ê 物入她 ê 喙.

16 號看 kah 愣愣. "這那是啥物古 ah?"

DeDe 講, "閣來 neh?"

8 號哺完了, kā 罐仔交予 Rusty. 伊無提.

45 號講, "今到底是發生啥代誌 ah?"

袂輸這是予她 ê 一个暗示, 8 號講, "Oh, 是 lah, 她死 tī 一个捲螺仔風 nih." 她擋恬一下, 無人講啥, 她 tō koh 講落. "所以, 彼个捲螺仔風捲走她 ê 房間 ê 壁, 她 ê 喙 nih 窒滿這, 恁按怎講這, 幼屑仔?"

DeDe 插話問, 故事 ê 重點是啥.

"重點?"

Rusty 解說講: "你那欲 kăn 講 chia-e?"

"我臆 -- 我毋知 -- 歹代誌會發生? 該死."

16 號掠教練軟 siô-siô ê 手, ǹg 8 號搖. "Halo, 我想阮已經知 ah lah."

8 號搖她 ê 中指予眾人看 ê 時, 連 Rusty mā 愛笑.

62 號講, "Culpepper 教練是講古 ê 人."

Rusty 講, "伊是詩人."

"仝款 ê 差別."

DeDe 叫逐个靜落來. 她有一个故事.

"你流鼻血," 她講, ná 看 Rusty. "你予我想起 Carrie-Anne."

45 號講, "Oh, 天 ah: 流鼻血."

Rusty 想起來. 流鼻血過去是她 ê 標誌. 比賽前 teh 加溫掔球 ê 手骨時, 有時她會流鼻血. "Siuⁿ 緊張," in 老爸 án-ne 講. 毋過鼻血變做一个迷信. 總講, 她是投手 lu (pitcher’s mond) 頂懸 ê 氣力, kā 球掔向身材兩倍大 ê battah 手 (hitter). 毋過, tī 她 ê 鼻滒血 ê 比賽當中, 她掔出 oân-hong (完封, shutout), 無予對方任何一个球員上壘.

Rusty 講, "Khòng-khòng."

DeDe ê 目睭 niàu 起來. "頂個月, 我看著姻 mama."

16 號講, "想講姻搬厝 ah."

"是為著生囡仔."

Rusty 想起彼時, 伊發現 tī 主場比賽進前 in 單獨 tī 場館 nih. In papa 和 Khòng-khòng. 伊提一包冰角 ù 她 ê 鼻稜, 欲止血. 血流到伊 ê 手後曲紅紅, Rusty 看 kah 想欲吐. In papa 著較小心 leh, 伊會記得伊 án-ne 想, 袂使予她 ê 血 kā 伊沐 kah án-ne seⁿ.

"我毋知影," 伊順喙講.

無人聽著伊: 姻攏 teh 聽 DeDe 講. 講她按怎 tī Sunflower 市場. 講她按怎干焦顧家治 ê 代誌, 為姻 mama 看刺針, 彼時有啥入來? 彼是 Carrie-Anne ê mama. 雄雄, DeDe 想欲走去覕. "毋過, 我 koh án-ne 想: 免. 阮無做啥見笑 ê 代誌, 敢有?" Choăn, 姻開講. 上代先講天氣. Koh 來 Carrie-Anne ê mama 講姻 chă 囝過了 "袂䆀." 已經得著 GED (普通教育證書). 今 tī 社區學院修課. "該死 ê 是 -- 她繼續捒她 ê 車仔去後一个過道. 自自在在做她去."

"我毋知 lah," Rusty koh 講. "保證."

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5.

The Lady Tigers hadn’t moved for some time. Their faces were turned from him, on alert for cyclones outside. He tried speaking, I am in a dream!, but the words wouldn’t come. The Lady Tigers turned as if they had heard him anyway. They turned and their mouths dropped open and they spoke with thunder.

He jumped awake.

Number 8 sat beside him, cussing. “You have a concussion, dumbass,” she was saying. “No sleepy time for you.”

“What about the coach?”

She told him the coach was a different matter but didn’t bother to elaborate.

A greasy jar of peanut butter was making the rounds. The Lady Tigers used the same spoon to dig out a fat dollop and eat. Number 45 had opened the cooler and was passing out paper cups of whatever liquid was inside it — something purple. Seeing her reminded Rusty of the funnel cloud and he asked Number 8 about it.

“False alarm,” she said, whispering. “She sometimes says things for attention.”

DeDe, who was lounging in the seat in front of them, leaned over and told Number 8 she had an idea for how to keep the sissy awake. They’d tell stories, like around a campfire.

Number 45 trotted back down the aisle. “What kind of stories?”

“The kind with words,” DeDe said, and everyone groaned.

Patting Rusty on the knee, Number 8 proclaimed she had one. “A real doozy,” she said. “And it relates to our current predicament.” She went on to describe this girl she knew in the first grade. “She had brown hair and was tiny, tiny. She rode horses and her parents were veterinarians.” She snatched the jar of peanut butter and shoveled some brown goop in her mouth.

Number 16 gawked. “That ain’t no story.”

DeDe said, “And?”

Number 8 finished chewing and offered Rusty the jar. He declined.

Number 45 said, “What the fuck is even happening right now?”

As if that were her cue, Number 8 said, “Oh, yeah, a tornado killed her.” She paused, and when nobody said anything, she continued. “Well, not the tornado itself. See, she slept with her mouth open.” She paused, and again, when nobody spoke, she added more. “So when the tornado ripped off her bedroom wall, her mouth filled up with all this, what do you call it, debris?”

DeDe interrupted her to ask the point of the story.

“Point?”

Rusty clarified: “Why are you telling us this?”

“I guess — I don’t know — bad things can happen? Shit.”

Number 16 grabbed the coach’s limp hand and waved it at Number 8. “Hello, I think we know that already.”

Even Rusty laughed while Number 8 waved her middle finger for all to see.

Number 62 said, “Coach Culpepper is the storyteller.”

Rusty said, “He’s a poet.”

“Same difference.”

DeDe told them to hush. She had one.

“Your nosebleed,” she said, looking at Rusty. “Reminds me of Carrie-Anne.”

Number 45 said, “Oh, jeez: the nosebleeds.”

Rusty remembered. Nosebleeds had been her trademark. As she warmed up her throwing arm before a game, she sometimes got them. “Nerves,” his father had called it. But they became the stuff of superstition. She was a force on the pitcher’s mound anyway, lobbing balls past hitters twice her size. But during the games her nose oozed blood, she pitched perfect shutouts, not allowing a single player from the opposing team even a base hit.

Rusty said, “Double zero.”

DeDe’s eyes narrowed. “I saw her mama last month.”

Number 16 said, “Thought they moved.”

“Just to have the baby.”

Rusty thought about the time he’d found them alone in the field house before a home game. His dad and Double Zero. He was holding a bag of ice to the bridge of her nose, trying to clot the bleed. He was up to his elbows in red, and the sight made Rusty feel sick. His dad should be more careful, he remembered thinking, letting her bleed all over him like that.

“I didn’t know,” he blurted out.

No one heard him: They were listening to DeDe. How she was in the Sunflower. How she was minding her own business, looking at crochet needles for her mom, when who rounded the corner? Carrie-Anne’s mom, that’s who. For a moment, a split second, DeDe considered hiding. “But I thought to myself: No. We didn’t do nothing to be ashamed of, did we?” So they spoke. First about the weather. Then Carrie-Anne’s mom said her girl was doing “just fine.” Had earned her GED. Was taking classes at the community college. “And the shit of it is — she just pushed her cart on, went to the next aisle. Pretty as you please.”

“I didn’t know,” Rusty repeated. “Promise.”

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4. 教練額頭腫一 lu

4. Kàu-liān hia̍h-thâu chéng chi̍t-lu

Khòaⁿ tio̍h thǹg-pak-theh ê kàu-liān ùi lâu-thui-khut hō͘ 12-Hō kap 2-Hō kā kng chhut-lâi, hō͘ i siūⁿ tio̍h chi̍t-pak ōe. Ki-tok ùi si̍p-jī-kè hông kng lo̍h-lâi. Sui-bóng he sī i siōng kah-ì ê chok-phín, m̄-koh i m̄-chai gē-su̍t-ka kap chok-phín ê miâ. Chá tō lī-khui hīⁿ-khang, chìn-ji̍p thài-khong ah. Hoān-sè i ū náu-chìn-tōng. Yin kā kàu-liān kng kàu bus āu, hō͘ i theⁿ tī siōng bóe-pâi chē-ūi. In-ūi bus thán-siâ, yin hut bē hó-sè i ê thâu -- it-ti̍t kau lo̍h-lâi. 62-Hō chhì siàn i ê chhùi-phé. Nā bô hoán-èng, yi tō koh án-ne chò. Rusty khiā khí-lâi, hiòng in chông khì. "Lín teh chhòng-siáⁿ?" i boeh chai-iáⁿ. 45-Hō kap 8-Hō kā kòe-tō tòng tio̍h. Choăn i peh chē-ūi, ná kâu án-ne chi̍t-pâi peh kòe chi̍t-pâi. Kui tūi ê lâng pau-ûi i. Chē-chē chhiú khiú i ê saⁿ, i tī hūn-loān tiong-kan ngiú-tāng sin-khu, sak-khui chē-chē chhiú-kut ê khan-tîⁿ.

"Kàu-liān!" i tōa siaⁿ hoah, hit-sî 45-Hō tng-teh tùi-hù i, kā i phīⁿ-khang ê mî-tiâu phah lak. Keng-kòe sió-khóa sio-tak, yi kā i ah-chè tī thô͘-kha.

"Góa chhoán bô khùi ah." 45-Hō ê tōa-chhāi sin-khu cha̍h tio̍h i ê siaⁿ-im.

12-Hō kóng, "Che chiah sī tiōng-tiám."

Chi̍t-siaⁿ hiáng lûi chùn kah thang-á chhòaⁿ kho̍k-kho̍k kiò, in ká-ná chiah koh siūⁿ tio̍h gōa-kháu ê hong-hō͘. 2-Hō tōa-siaⁿ mn̄g yin kám iáu-koh khòaⁿ ē-tio̍h hó-thiⁿ? 8-Hō hām 16-Hō ē kì-tit tú-chiah tī kúi-mai chêng ū keng-kòe chi̍t-ê ka-iû-chām. Kî-tiong chi̍t-ê sīm-chì siūⁿ khí i ê miâ: SpaceWay (Thài-khong Tō). "Chāi góa khòaⁿ, he thiaⁿ tio̍h ká-ná sī ū kiù ah," 12-Hō kóng. Chi̍t-ê kè-ōe khai-sí hêng-sêng. Yin tio̍h tán thiⁿ-khì ê piàn-hòa, thiⁿ chi̍t-ē chheng, yin tō boeh kiâⁿ tńg Space-Way khà tiān-ōe kiû kiù. "911, put-chún loān-lâi," 12-Hō pó͘-chhiong kóng. 62-Hō tam-sim kàu-liān khòaⁿ tio̍h chin hi. Yi kiàn-gī koh kā siàn chhùi-phé kā kiò chhéⁿ. 8-Hō bô tông-ì, kóng yi bat tī 20/20 chiat-bo̍k khòaⁿ tio̍h, kóng, hūn-khì ê lâng lí nā kā kiò chhéⁿ, ē piàn chò chin po̍k-le̍k. "He sī bāng-iû ê lâng lah, sam-pat," 45-Hō kóng, jiân-āu mn̄g 12-Hō, yi sī-m̄-sī ē-sái pàng khui chit-ê cha-bó͘-thé ê. "Góa ê kha-chhng tit-boeh bâ khì ah."

"Góa chàn-sêng yi ê thê-gī," Rusty tī yi ê ē-bīn kóng.

12-Hō khû lo̍h, mn̄g i sī-m̄-sī ē koai-koai. I ìn kóng, i khòaⁿ bē-chhut ū siáⁿ thang soán, in-ūi yin lâng chē. Án-ne yi khòaⁿ tō chin hó ah. Yi tìm-thâu, 45-Hō tō pàng-khui. I hoan chi̍t-ē sin, hoeh koh chhiong kàu i ê thâu-khak. I tōa-la̍t peh-hah, ē-hâi hiám-á lak khì. Taⁿ khah óa kàu-liān ah, i chù-ì tio̍h hit-lâng hia̍h-thâu chéng chi̍t-lu. Hó͘-bó tūi-oân sim kiaⁿ-kiaⁿ khoàⁿ Rusty kiâⁿ hiòng kàu-liān, bē-su i sī iá-siù, m̄-chai ē kā-lâng bô. Rusty kō͘ chéng-thâu-á so he chéng-chéng ê phôe-hu. Kàu-liān kám-kak un-loán. Sio-sio.

"I khòaⁿ tio̍h chin hi," i kóng. "Lán khó-lêng tio̍h tī chia tán chi̍t-chūn."

"Góa teh tán lâng kiàn-gī." 12-Hō siang-chhiú lám tī heng-chêng.

I iô-thâu. "Góa bô ì-kiàn."

"Nā án-ne, lí kăn hàiⁿ chhut kong-lō͘, sī ūi-tio̍h hó-sńg a̍h siáⁿ?" 45-Hō mn̄g.

"A̍h siáⁿ," i kā kóng.

12-Hō ê bīn kek chi̍t-ê gōng-chhiò, yi kā i kóng, tio̍h kiò yi DeDe.

30 hun-cheng liáu-āu, 45-Hō hoat-hiān chi̍t-ê lāu-táu hûn, tōa-siaⁿ kiò chhut-lâi. Kî-thaⁿ ê Hó͘-bó tūi-oân kheh óa khì, kā bīn tah tī thang-á khòaⁿ. Rusty hām kàu-liān lâu tī goân-ūi, tī bus āu, siōng-bóe ê chē-ūi, Rusty tī chiàⁿ-pêng, kàu-liān tī tò-pêng. Kàu-liān ê thâu khòe tī thang-á, chhoán ê khùi hō͘ po-lê kha̍h-bông, chhùi-kak ū chi̍t-tih nōa. Rusty bô-ài khòaⁿ hit-ê chéng-lu. Kim sih-sih, ta̍k-kái i khòaⁿ ká-ná piàn khah tōa. I khòaⁿ pa̍t-ūi. I sim-nih án-ne sióng-siōng: in iáu tī lō͘ nih, boeh tńg chhù. I teh sái chhia, kàu-liān teh kóng-ōe. M̄-sī chhiūⁿ i hām Hó͘-bó Tūi chò-hóe hit-khoán hong-sek, sī tī i khó-lī si ê sî, kàng-lo̍h tī i ê hit-chióng an-chēng, iau-ki ê hong-sek. "Chi̍t-ê chin-chiàⁿ chia̍h-ōe ê lâng," i bat án-ne biô-siá ka-tī, Rusty kā kàu-liān kóng-khí Sparse ê tāi-chì. Tī kong-hn̂g ê sî, pàng-o̍h liáu tī in tau ê sî. Kóng-khí Sparse hông sàng cháu, i tē-it pái bak ka-tī to̍h-hóe ê hong-sek. Chia̍h chiah-ê ōe. Kàu-liān, i liáu-kái. Lóng chiâⁿ hó, i kóng. Kàu-liān mā chai-iáⁿ sim-thiàⁿ. In ê ba̍k-chiu tī bus ê kiàⁿ sio-tú -- lán kóng, sī tī hit-ê îⁿ-kiàⁿ. Chi̍t-ki chhiú chhun kàu Rusty ê keng-thâu, kā tēⁿ chi̍t-ē.

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4. 教練額頭腫一 lu

看著褪腹裼 ê 教練 ùi 樓梯窟予 12 號 kap 2 號 kā 扛出來, 予伊想著一幅畫. 基督 ùi 十字架 hông 扛落來. 雖罔彼是伊上佮意 ê 作品, m̄-koh 伊毋知藝術家 kap 作品 ê 名. 早 tō 離開耳空, 進入太空 ah. 凡勢伊有腦震盪. 姻 kā 教練扛到 bus 後, 予伊撐 tī 上尾排坐位. 因為 bus 坦斜, 姻拂袂好勢伊 ê 頭 -- 一直勾落來. 62 號試搧伊 ê 喙䫌. 若無反應, 她 tō koh án-ne 做. Rusty 徛起來, 向 in 傱去. "恁 teh 創啥?" 伊欲知影. 45 號 kap 8 號 kā 過道擋著. Choăn 伊 peh 坐位, ná 猴 án-ne 一排 peh 過一排. 規隊 ê 人包圍伊. 濟濟手搝伊 ê 衫, 伊 tī 混亂中間扭動身軀, 捒開濟濟手骨 ê 牽纏.

"教練!" 伊大聲喝, 彼時 45 號 tng-teh 對付伊, kā 伊鼻空 ê 棉條拍 lak. 經過小可相觸, 她 kā 伊壓制 tī 塗跤.

"我喘無氣 ah." 45 號 ê 大 chhāi 身軀閘著伊 ê 聲音.

12 號講, "這才是重點."

一聲響雷顫 kah 窗仔閂 kho̍k-kho̍k 叫, in ká-ná 才 koh 想著外口 ê 風雨. 2 號大聲問姻敢猶閣看會著好天? 8 號和 16 號會記得拄才 tī 幾 mai 前有經過一个加油站. 其中一个甚至想起伊 ê 名: SpaceWay (太空道). "在我看, 彼聽著 ká-ná 是有救 ah," 12 號講. 一个計畫開始形成. 姻著等天氣 ê 變化, 天一下清, 姻 tō 欲行轉 Space-Way 敲電話求救. "911, 不准亂來," 12 號補充講. 62 號擔心教練看著真虛. 她建議 koh kā 搧喙䫌 kā 叫醒. 8 號無同意, 講她 bat tī 20/20 節目看著, 講, 昏去 ê 人你若 kā 叫醒, 會變做真暴力. "彼是夢遊 ê 人 lah, 三八," 45 號講, 然後問 12 號, 她是毋是會使放開這个查某體 ê. "我 ê 尻川得欲麻去 ah."

"我贊成她 ê 提議," Rusty tī 她 ê 下面講.

12 號跍落, 問伊是毋是會乖乖. 伊應講, 伊看袂出有啥通選, 因為姻人濟. Án-ne 她看 tō 真好 ah. 她頕頭, 45 號 tō 放開. 伊翻一下身, 血 koh 衝到伊 ê 頭殼. 伊大力 peh-ha̍h, 下頦險仔 lak 去. 今較倚教練 ah, 伊注意著彼人額頭腫一 lu. 虎母隊員心驚驚看 Rusty 行向教練, 袂輸伊是野獸, 毋知會咬人無. Rusty kō͘ 指頭仔挲彼腫腫 ê 皮膚. 教練感覺溫暖. 燒燒.

"伊看著真虛," 伊講. "咱可能著 tī chia 等一陣."

"我 teh 等人建議." 12 號雙手攬 tī 胸前.

伊搖頭. "我無意見."

"若 án-ne, 你 kăn 幌出公路, 是為著好耍 a̍h 啥?" 45 號問.

"A̍h 啥," 伊 kā 講.

12 號 ê 面激一个戇笑, 她 kā 伊講, 著叫她 DeDe.

30 分鐘了後, 45 號發現一个漏斗雲, 大聲叫出來. 其他 ê 虎母隊員 kheh 倚去, kā 面貼 tī 窗仔看. Rusty 和教練留 tī 原位, tī bus 後, 上尾 ê 坐位, Rusty tī 正爿, 教練 tī 倒爿. 教練 ê 頭 khòe tī 窗仔, 喘 ê 氣予玻璃 kha̍h 朦, 喙角有一滴瀾. Rusty 無愛看彼个腫 lu. 金 sih-sih, 逐改伊看 ká-ná 變較大. 伊看別位. 伊心 nih án-ne 想像: in 猶 tī 路 nih, 欲轉厝. 伊 teh 駛車, 教練 teh 講話. 毋是像伊和虎母隊做伙彼款方式, 是 tī 伊考慮詩 ê 時, 降落 tī 伊 ê 彼種安靜, 枵饑 ê 方式. "一个真正食話 ê 人," 伊 bat án-ne 描寫家治, Rusty kā 教練講起 Sparse ê 代誌. Tī 公園 ê 時, 放學了 tī in 兜 ê 時. 講起 Sparse hông 送走, 伊第一擺沐家治 to̍h 火 ê 方式. 食 chiah-ê 話. 教練, 伊了解. 攏誠好, 伊講. 教練 mā 知影心疼. In ê 目睭 tī bus ê 鏡相拄 -- 咱講, 是 tī 彼个圓鏡. 一支手伸到 Rusty ê 肩頭, kā 捏一下.

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4.

The sight of the shirtless coach being toted out of the stairwell by Numbers 12 and 2 reminded him of a painting. Christ being carried down from the cross. The artist and title of the work escaped him though it was a favorite of his. Just zipped out of his ear into the ether. Maybe he was concussed. They took the coach to the back of the bus and propped him up on the last seat. Because of the incline, they had trouble with his head — it kept drooping forward. Number 62 tried slapping him. When nothing happened, she did it again. Rusty got to his feet and lunged toward them. “What are y’all doing?” he wanted to know. Numbers 45 and 8 blocked the aisle. So he took to the seats, monkey-climbing from one to the other. The whole team swarmed him. Hands grasped at his clothes, and he twisted his body through the melee, pushing against the tangle of arms.

“Coach!” he cried, as Number 45 tackled him, knocking the tampons from his nose. After a mild struggle, she pinned him to the floor.

“I cannot breathe.” Number 45’s heft muffled the edge in his voice.

Number 12 said, “That’s the point.”

A slap of thunder rattled the window latches, and they all seemed to remember the storm outside. Number 2 wondered aloud if they’d ever see a sunny day again. Both Number 8 and 16 remembered passing a gas station a few miles back. One of them even recalled its name: the SpaceWay. “Sounds like salvation to me,” Number 12 said. A plan began to form. They’d wait out the weather, and as soon as it was clear, they’d backtrack to the Space-Way and phone for help. “911 and no fooling,” Number 12 added. Number 62 worried about the coach looking so puny. She suggested another slap to rouse him. Number 8 disagreed, claimed she’d seen something on 20/20 about how violent people got if you woke them up from being knocked out. “That’s sleepwalkers, dummy,” Number 45 said, before asking Number 12 if she thought it was all right if she got up off the sissy. “My ass,” she said, “is falling asleep.”

“I second her proposal,” Rusty said from beneath her.

Number 12 squatted and wanted to know if he was prepared to behave himself. He replied that he didn’t see how he had much of a choice, being outnumbered and all. Which seemed good enough for her. She nodded, and Number 45 pushed off. He leaned up, the blood rushing back to his skull. He yawned so big that his jaws popped. Now closer to the coach, he noticed the knot on the man’s forehead. The Lady Tigers regarded Rusty warily, as if he were a wild animal they weren’t sure would bite or not, as he made his way over to the coach. Rusty rubbed his fingers across the swollen skin. The coach felt warm. Feverish.

“He looks so peaked,” he said. “And we could be here a while.”

“I’m open to suggestions.” Number 12 crossed her arms.

He shook his head. “I’m fresh out.”

“So did you just run us off the road for fun or what?” Number 45 asked.

“Or what,” he told her.

Something like a smirk fixed itself on Number 12’s face, and she told him to call her DeDe.

Thirty minutes later, Number 45 spotted a funnel cloud and screeched. The other Lady Tigers scrambled up and pressed their faces to the windows, looking. Rusty and the coach remained where they were, the very last seats in the back of the bus, Rusty on the right seat and the coach on the left. The coach’s head had tilted against his window, his breath fogging the glass, a dewdrop of spittle in the corner of his mouth. Rusty didn’t like the look of the knot. All shiny, it seemed to grow bigger each time he eyed it. He looked away. He imagined they are still on the road, bound for home. He’s driving and the coach is talking. Not the way he does around the Lady Tigers, but in that quiet, hungry way that falls over him when he considers poetry. “A genuine word eater,” he once described himself, and Rusty tells the coach about Sparse. The time in the park, the time at his house after school. The way it burned the first time he touched himself after Sparse had been sent away. Eat these words. The coach, he understands. All too well, he says. The coach has known heartache too. Their eyes meet in the bus mirror — let’s say the circular one. A hand finds Rusty’s shoulder, squeezes.

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