4. 姑娘規身刻滿悲哀

4. Ko͘-niû kui-sin khek móa pi-ai

"Ū-ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka siau-tî thòng-khó͘, goán tiong-kan ū-ê hoa̍t-lo̍h hū-bīn ê chêng-sū, m̄-koh goán lóng ū teh siu-lí lâng ê hong-thêng-sek. Siōng ióng-kám ê lâng" -- yi kā ba̍k-chiu nih chi̍t-ē -- "bat chhì iōng Kong-sek lâi hō͘ lâng ê sin-khu tùi-khòng tiōng-le̍k, thang chìn-hêng sin-thé oa̍h-tāng, chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng hui-hêng."

Choân-pan lóng chhiò kah ki-ki kiò, hit-ê poa̍h-lo̍h ê lâng tī in ê kì-tî iáu chin sin.

"Furcal ê Kong-sek tāi-piáu ū chi̍t-kang, siōng chhong-bêng ê lâng ē-tàng chiáng-ak tio̍h kui-ê ú-tiū ê lí-lō͘."

In lóng lé-māu sèng phah-pho̍k-á.

Hāu-tiúⁿ ùi piⁿ-á chhut-lâi chú-chhî thê būn-tê. Tú khai-sí ê būn-tê lóng siūⁿ ē-kàu, mā lóng sī gōng būn-tê. "Lí ē-tàng hō͘ lâng tūi-lo̍h ài-hô bô?" Bē. "Lí ē-tàng hō͘ lâng ún-sin bô?" Bē. Nkem Ozechi khó-lêng kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè, in ê būn-tê hām khah chha ê ha̍k-hāu ha̍k-seng só͘ mn̄g ê bô siáⁿ chha-pia̍t. Āu-lâi, mā sī siūⁿ ē-kàu, ū-lâng thê-chhut chi̍t-ê m̄-sī būn-tê ê būn-tê.

"Lí teh chò ê, m̄-tio̍h." Lâi chū chi̍t-ê sán kah ná tek-ko, chhùi-khí tōa-pán ê cha-po͘ gín-á. Sui-bóng sán, i ū un-jiû ê chi̍t-bīn, khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin siū théng-sēng.

Nneoma gia̍h chhiú chó͘-chí Nkem Ozechi chhap-ōe. Yi ū hoat-tō͘ hoa̍t-lo̍h che. "Kái-soeh chi̍t-ē."

"Hmh, goán lāu-pē kóng, lín chiah-ê lâng teh chò ê, m̄-tio̍h, lín bô eng-kai chó͘-chí chi̍t-ê lâng chū-jiân kám-siū tio̍h ê khùn-lân. He chiah sī chò lâng ê ì-gī."

Āu-piah ū lâng khai-sí phah-pho̍k-á, Nneoma koh gia̍h-chhiú àm-sī an-chēng. Yi gián-kiù hit-ê gín-á-hiaⁿ, chù-ì tio̍h i ê chhiú-ba̍k, chai-iáⁿ in lāu-pē ê chit-gia̍p (lu̍t-su), i ê kai-kip (tē-it). Yi bat piān kòe chē-chē chhiūⁿ in lāu-pē hit-chióng lâng, in seng-oa̍h sù-sī, in tú kòe ê khùn-lân phó͘-thong, hó chhú-lí, tō káⁿ kā in ê sió khùn-lân the̍h lâi hām chhim long-long ê tōa khùn-kéng sio pí-phēng.

"Lín lāu-pē hām hiah-ê tī gōa-bīn khòng-gī ê lâng, m̄-chai siáⁿ sī chin-chiàⁿ ê thòng-khó͘. Tùi góa lâi kóng, in tùi chit-ê tāi-chì ê kám-kak bô-hāu. Góa bē khì mn̄g bô chhì chia̍h hit-lō͘ chhài ê lâng, kám su-iàu ke kóa iâm."

Gín-á-hiaⁿ chē leh, siang-chhiú lám tī heng-chêng, chhùi tū-tū. Yi bô kái-piàn i ê koan-liām, hit-chióng lâng lí éng-oán to chò bē-kàu, m̄-koh yi í-keng hō͘ i tiām khì ah.

Tī sòa lo̍h ê tiām-chēng tiong-kan, lēng-gōa chi̍t-ki chhiú gia̍h khí-lâi. Mài sī yi, Nneoma siūⁿ, mài sī yi. Chū-chiông yi kiâⁿ-ji̍p kàu-sek, yi tō chhì boeh mài chhap hit-ê ko͘-niû. Yi bián khòaⁿ yi ê chhiú-ba̍k tō chai hit-ê ko͘-niû sī Senegal lâng, bat siū tio̍h Siau-bia̍t ūn-tōng ê éng-hióng. Yi kui-sin lóng khek móa chit-chióng pi-ai.

"Só͘-í, lí ē-tàng hō͘ he siau-sit?" Yin khó-lêng sī pâng-keng nih ûi-it ê nn̄g-lâng.

"Tio̍h, góa ē-tàng." Ūi-tio̍h thâi-tiāu hit-ê chhut-hiān-tiong ê hi-bāng, "M̄-koh, he sī chi̍t-ê ko-tō͘ koán-chè koh chin kùi ê kòe-têng. Tōa pō͘-hūn góa ê kheh-hō͘ lóng tit-tio̍h in ê chèng-hú ê tāi-liōng pó͘-thiap, sīm-chì án-ne mā kāng-khoán." Ūi-tio̍h hông-chí iáu-ū jīm-hô hi-bāng, "Lí tio̍h ài sī chi̍t-ê kong-bîn."

Ko͘-niû kā ba̍k-chiu khòaⁿ-kē tī kha-thúi, ba̍k-sái kâm tī ba̍k-kîⁿ. Bē-su sī khau-sé, yi ê piⁿ-á piah-téng ū chi̍t-pak tē-tô͘,  hián-chhut 70-nî chêng kap taⁿ ê tē-kiû. Kòe-khì ê tōa pō͘-hūn Pak Bí-chiu í-keng khàm chúi, Europa mā piàn-chò chi̍t-phiàn hái. Rosia sī chi̍t-ê im-chúi ê bōng-tiûⁿ. Lóng bô a̍h pō͘-hūn bô im-chúi ê só͘-chāi sī Australia hām kòe-khì ê Afrika, taⁿ kiò-chò Liân-ha̍p Kok-ka. Tī Franse lâng tit-tio̍h chú-lâng sìn-jīm, ū té-chām hô-pêng liáu-āu, Siau-bia̍t ūn-tōng tō khai-sí ah. Thê-chhut kéng-kò ê Senegal pò-chóa hông tòng-chò sī im-bô͘-lūn, sī chè-chō mâ-hoân ê o͘-a-chhùi. M̄-koh, āu-lâi ê kok-chióng iâⁿ-tē, tu̍t-kek, sîn-pì pēⁿ-chèng téng-téng hāi-sí kúi-ā pah-bān lâng. Lāi-koh sêng-oân tī bîn-chhn̂g téng pī bô͘-sat. Hit-ê ko͘-niû oa̍h lo̍h-lâi. Lâi-kàu chia, lâi-kàu chit-ê thê-kiong hō͘ liû-lōng jî-tông hán-kiàn chióng-ha̍k-kim ê ha̍k-hāu, Hit-ê ko͘-niû tiāⁿ-tio̍h keng-le̍k chióng-chióng siūⁿ bē-kàu ê tāi-chì. Yi ê pi-siong siuⁿ-kòe tîm-tāng, Nneoma lī-khui kàu-sek, Nkem Ozechi tòe chhut-lâi, kín piàng-piàng tòe tī yi āu-bīn.

"Hoān-sè in tiong-kan ū-lâng ē chiâⁿ-chò Sò͘-ha̍k-ka, ná chhiūⁿ lí."

Nneoma su-iàu chéng-lí chi̍t-ē. Khòaⁿ tio̍h ū cha-bó͘ hòa-chong-sek ê phiau-chì, yi sûi hoa̍h ji̍p-khì, tī Nkem Ozechi bīn-chêng hut-leh pàng khui hàiⁿ-mn̂g. Chiah-ê gín-á tiong-kan bô-lâng ē chiâⁿ-chò Sò͘-ha̍k-ka; kàu-sek bô pòaⁿ-ê thian-châi, tō ná-chhiūⁿ kui chúi-tî ê hî-á.

- -

4. 姑娘規身刻滿悲哀

"有 ê 數學家消除痛苦, 阮中間有 ê 發落負面 ê 情緒, 毋過阮攏有 teh 修理人 ê 方程式. 上勇敢 ê 人" -- 她 kā 目睭 nih 一下 -- "捌試用公式來予人 ê 身軀對抗重力, 通進行身體活動, 親像講飛行."

全班攏笑甲 ki-ki 叫, 彼个跋落 ê 人 tī in ê 記持猶真新.

"Furcal ê 公式代表有一工, 上聰明 ê 人會當掌握著規个宇宙 ê 理路."

In 攏禮貌性拍噗仔.

校長 ùi 邊仔出來主持提問題. 拄開始 ê 問題攏想會到, mā 攏是戇問題. "你會當予人墜落愛河無?" 袂. "你會當予人隱身無?" 袂. Nkem Ozechi 可能感覺歹勢, in ê 問題和較差 ê 學校學生所問 ê 無啥差別. 後來, mā 是想會到, 有人提出一个毋是問題 ê 問題.

"你 teh 做 ê, 毋著." 來自一个瘦甲 ná 竹篙, 喙齒大板 ê 查埔囡仔. 雖罔瘦, 伊有溫柔 ê 一面, 看起來真受寵倖.

Nneoma 攑手阻止 Nkem Ozechi 插話. 她有法度發落這. "解說一下."

"Hmh, 阮老爸講, 恁 chiah-ê 人 teh 做 ê, 毋著, 恁無應該阻止一个人自然感受著 ê 困難. 彼才是做人 ê 意義."

後壁有人開始拍噗仔, Nneoma koh 攑手暗示安靜. 她研究彼个囡仔兄, 注意著伊 ê 手目, 知影 in 老爸 ê 職業 (律師), 伊 ê 階級 (第一). 她捌辯過濟濟像 in 老爸彼種人, in 生活四序, in 拄過 ê 困難普通, 好處理, 就敢 kā in ê 小困難提來和深 long-long ê 大困境相比並.

"恁老爸和 hiah-ê tī 外面抗議 ê 人, 毋知啥是真正 ê 痛苦. 對我來講, in 對這个代誌 ê 感覺無效. 我袂去問無試食彼路菜 ê 人, 敢需要加寡鹽."

囡仔兄坐 leh, 雙手攬 tī 胸前, 喙 tū-tū. 她無改變伊 ê 觀念, 彼種人你永遠 to 做袂到, 毋過她已經予伊恬去 ah.

Tī 紲落 ê 恬靜中間, 另外一支手攑起來. 莫是她, Nneoma 想, 莫是她. 自從她行入教室, 她就試欲莫 chhap 彼个姑娘. 她免看她 ê 手目就知彼个姑娘是 Senegal 人, 捌受著 "消滅" 運動 ê 影響. 她規身攏刻滿這種悲哀.

"所以, 你會當予彼消失?" 姻可能是房間 nih 唯一 ê 兩人.

"著, 我會當." 為著刣掉彼个出現中 ê 希望, "毋過, 彼是一个高度管制 koh 真貴 ê 過程. 大部份我 ê 客戶攏得著 in ê 政府 ê 大量補貼, 甚至 án-ne mā 仝款." 為著防止猶有任何希望, "你著愛是一个公民."

姑娘 kā 目睭看低 tī 跤腿, 目屎含 tī 目墘. 袂輸是剾洗, 她 ê 邊仔壁頂有一幅地圖,  顯出 70 年前 kap 今 ê 地球. 過去 ê 大部份北美洲已經崁水, Europa mā 變做一遍海. Rosia 是一个淹水 ê 墓場. 攏無 a̍h 部份無淹水 ê 所在是 Australia 和過去 ê Afrika, 今叫做聯合國家. Tī Franse 人得著主人信任, 有短站和平了後, 消滅運動就開始 ah. 提出警告 ê Senegal 報紙 hông 當做是陰謀論, 是製造麻煩 ê 烏鴉喙. 毋過, 後來 ê 各種營地, 突擊, 神祕病症等等害死幾若百萬人. 內閣成員 tī 眠床頂被謀殺. 彼个姑娘活落來. 來到遮, 來到這个提供予流浪兒童罕見獎學金 ê 學校, 彼个姑娘定著經歷種種想袂到 ê 代誌. 她 ê 悲傷 siuⁿ 過沉重, Nneoma 離開教室, Nkem Ozechi 綴出來, 緊乓乓綴 tī 她後面.

"凡勢 in 中間有人會成做數學家, 若像你."

Nneoma 需要整理一下. 看著有查某化妝室 ê 標誌, 她隨伐入去, tī Nkem Ozechi 面前忽 leh 放開幌門. Chiah-ê 囡仔中間無人會成做數學家; 教室無半个天才, 就若像規水池 ê 魚仔.

- -

4.

“Some Mathematicians remove pain, some of us deal in negative emotions, but we all fix the equation of a person. The bravest”—she winked—“have tried their head at using the Formula to make the human body defy gravity, for physical endeavors, like flight.”

The class giggled, the fallen man fresh in their minds. 

“Furcal’s Formula means that one day the smartest people can access the very fabric of the universe.”

They applauded politely.

The headmaster stepped from the corner to moderate questions. The first were predictable and stupid. “Can you make people fall in love?” No. “Can you make someone become invisible?” No. Nkem Ozechi might have been embarrassed to know that their questions were no different from the children in the lower schools. Then (again predictably) someone posed a non-question.

“What you are doing is wrong.” From a reed-thin boy with large teeth. Despite his thinness there was softness to him, a pampered look.

Nneoma put her hand up to stop Nkem Ozechi from interrupting. She could handle this. “Explain.”

“Well, my dad says what you people do is wrong, that you shouldn’t be stopping a person from feeling natural hardships. That’s what it means to be human.”

Someone in the back started to clap until Nneoma again raised her hand for silence. She studied the boy and noted on his wrist his father’s occupation (lawyer), his class (first). She’d argued down many a person like his father, people who’d lived easy lives, who’d had moderate but manageable difficulties then dared to compare their meager hardship with unfathomable woes.

“Your father and those people protesting outside have no concept of what real pain is. As far as I’m concerned their feelings on this matter are invalid. I would never ask a person who hasn’t tasted a dish whether it needs more salt.”

The boy sat with his arms crossed, pouting. She hadn’t changed his mind, you never could with people like that, but she’d shut him up. 

In the quiet that followed another hand raised. Not her, Nneoma thought, not her. She’d been trying to ignore the girl since she walked into the classroom. She didn’t need to look at her wrist to know that the girl was Senegalese, and had been affected by the Elimination. It was etched all over her, this sorrow.

“So you can make it go away?” They could have been the only two people in the room.

“Yes, I can.” And to kill the dawning hope, “But it is a highly regulated and very expensive process. Most of my clients are heavily subsidized by their governments, but even then.” And in case any hope remained, “You have to be a citizen.”

The girl lowered her eyes to her lap, fighting tears. As though to mock her, she was flanked by a map on the wall, the entire globe splayed out as it had been seventy years ago and as it was now. Most of what had been North America was covered in water and a sea had replaced Europe. Russia was a soaked grave. The only continents unclaimed in whole or in part by the sea were Australia and what was now the United Countries but had once been Africa. The Elimination began after a moment of relative peace, after the French had won the trust of their hosts. The Senegalese newspapers that issued warnings were dismissed as conspiracy rags, rabble-rousers inventing trouble. But then the camps, the raids, and the mysterious illness that wiped out millions. Then the cabinet members murdered in their beds. And the girl had survived it. To be here, at a school like this on one of the rare scholarships they offered to displaced children, the girl must have lived through the unthinkable. The weight of her mourning was too much and Nneoma left the room, followed by Nkem Ozechi who clicked hurriedly behind her.

“Maybe some of them will be Mathematicians, like you.”

Nneoma needed to gather herself. She saw the sign for the ladies room and stepped inside, swinging the door in Nkem Ozechi’s face. None of those children would ever be Mathematicians; the room was as bare of genius as a pool of fish.

- -

3. 她干焦想欲緊結束演講

3. Yi kan-ta siūⁿ boeh kín kiat-sok ián-káng

Kiat-siàu ê sî, ūi yi bé ê cha̍p-hòe skan koh chng-tē ê siàu-liân-ke kat ê miâ-pâi siá "Martin," che khó-lêng sī, mā khó-lêng m̄-sī i ê chin miâ. Eng-kok lâng kah-ì in ê ho̍k-bū-oân ê miâ hó tha̍k, tōa pō͘-hūn kong-si mā án-ne iau-kiû oân-kang. I chhiú-ba̍k ê chhiah-chheⁿ hián-sī i ê kong-bîn sin-hūn -- goân-pún Biafra lâng -- kap i ê kai-kip, 3-téng. I tiāⁿ-tio̍h sī tòa tī chhī-gōa, jî-chhiáⁿ i chi̍t-ē chìn-ji̍p tiān-chú mn̂g-cha̍h tō pī tui-chong, it-ti̍t kàu i hā-pan lī-khui. I pí tōa pō͘-hūn lâng khah hó-ūn.

Tī chhia-téng, yi khòaⁿ chhiú-ki-á, yi ê tiān-ōe kan-ta lāu-pē, chō͘-chhiú, kap Kioni chai-iáⁿ. Iáu-sī bô siau-sit. Chū yi poaⁿ chhut-khì, yin tō bô kóng-ōe. M̄-koán yin sī án-nóa hun-chhiú, yi tio̍h ài chai, Nneoma ē chhau-sim.Bô pòaⁿ-ê yin kiōng-tông sio-bat ê Sin Kenya lâng chai-iáⁿ khì tó chhōe yi, Kioni ê tiān-ōe chóng-sī bô lâng chiap. Hoān-sè Kioni kō͘ án-ne lâi kóaⁿ-cháu yi ê sim-pēⁿ. 

Tī khì ha̍k-hāu ê lō͘ téng, yi chia̍h nn̄g-lia̍p lingo hām chi̍t-tè pháng, koh hian yi ê pit-kì lâi khòaⁿ. Yi í-keng chò kòe chin chē pái chit-chióng ián-káng, tiōng-tiám m̄-sī ián-káng, sī boeh hoat-hiān chiâm-chāi ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka, in ū hoat-tō͘ hō͘-siong hoat-hiān. Yi kō͘ chi̍t-ki chéng-thâu-á kí Kong-sek, he kàu taⁿ iáu hō͘ yi tîm-chùi. Yi bé 57 tiâu kong-sek, sui-bóng kan-ta kúi tiâu tō ū-kàu iōng lâi chhek-giām ha̍k-seng.

Tī tāi-chì khai-sí pang-khiah ê sî, sè-kài in-ūi tē-tāng liah-khui, hiu-bîn kú-kú ê hóe-soaⁿ chhun-ûn, peh-hah, tōa-kiò, kàu-tn̂g (chheng-chin sī, biō-sī) tó khì, m̄-nā si̍t-thé kiàn-bu̍t iô kah piàn thô͘-hu, chióng-chióng chè-tō͘ mā kāng-khoán. Chile sò͘-ha̍k-ka Francisco Furcal kiâⁿ-ji̍p chin-khong, hoat-hiān chi̍t-ê kái-soeh ú-tiū ê kong-sek. He tō ná chhiūⁿ ú-tiū pún-sin, sī bû-hān ê, chit-ê kong-sek bû-hān, hoān-sè iân-sin kàu jîn-lūi mā bû-hān ê siūⁿ-hoat, chiàⁿ-chiàⁿ sī chit-ê sè-kài só͘ su-iàu ê.

Kúi cha̍p nî lâi, ū-lâng khai-sí si̍t-giām chit-ê bû-hān ê kong-sek, tī chit-ê kòe-thêng tang-tiong, hoat-hiān chióng-chióng hām jîn-thé kái-phó͘-ha̍k it-tì ê hong-thêng-sek, hō͘ yi taⁿ teh chò ê khang-khòe chiâⁿ-chò khó-lêng. Tiong-sim ê chi̍t-tâi tiān-náu cháu chit-ê Kong-sek 24/7, thàm-chhek i ê bû-hān-sèng. Ū chhian-chhian bān-bān tiâu ê hong-thêng-sek. Kòe-khì ū-lâng ē-tàng khì Lâm Afrika hun-pō͘ khòaⁿ chhut-hiān tī êng-bō͘ ê put-chīn hû-hō. Āu-lâi, Tiong-sim bô koh tùi kong-chiòng khai-hòng, tō khai-sí ū iâu-giân, kóng Furcal ê Kong-sek m̄-tio̍h, m̄-sī bû-hān, kóng i ê lí-lō͘ tī kúi pah-bān koh kúi pah-bān ê pâi-lia̍t cho͘-ha̍p tang-tiong chhut-hiān būn-tê, he sī chhiau-kòe jîn-lūi tī it-seng tiong-kan ē-tàng kè-sǹg ê hoān-ûi.

Chiah-ê put-kò sī iâu-giân, m̄-koh āu-lâi ū chi̍t-ê lâng ùi thiⁿ-téng poa̍h lo̍h-lâi.

Tit-boeh kàu ha̍k-hāu ê sî, in ū khòaⁿ e chi̍t-kóa gia̍h siám-sih tiān-chú phiau-gí ê khòng-gī-chiá. Siū-khì ê lâng ê siū-khì âng-sek. Amadi kā chhia pàng bān.

"Hu-jîn?"

"Kè-sio̍k kiâⁿ, kan-ta 10-ê lâng."

M̄-koh tán yi boeh lī-khui ê sî, lâng-sò͘ ū khó-lêng piàn saⁿ-pōe. In ná chóng-sī chai-iáⁿ yi tī tó?

Chhia tòe chhiú-sè chìn-ji̍p ha̍k-hāu gōa-mn̂g, jiân-āu lâi kàu lāi-mn̂g, Amadi ê chèng-kiāⁿ keng-kòe kiám-cha, koh ho̍k-cha. Siú-ūi jīn-tēng Amadi bô chu-keh lâu tī lāi-mn̂g tán-hāu, Nneoma tō chhut-bīn kan-sia̍p. Yi ê su-ki, yi ê kui-chek. Siú-ūi tō ná yi só͘ kî-thāi ê niū-pō͘, Amani kā chhia thêng tī chi̍t-ê bô pha̍k-ji̍t ê só͘-chāi. Gêng-chiap Nneoma ê sī hāu-tiúⁿ Nkem Ozechi, chi̍t-ê sè-lia̍p-chí, pih-chah ê cha-bó͘, yi ê chhiú hō͘ yi siūⁿ tio̍h Kioni ê. Yi ū chi̍t-chióng chū-ngó͘ tek-ì ê khì-chit, kiâⁿ-lō͘ ê chu-thài oân-choân thiòng kah ná teh tiô. Yi hām Nneoma kóng-ōe bē-su siang-lâng í-keng bat kúi-ā nî ah. Nā m̄-sī kin-á-ji̍t, Nneoma hoān-sè ē chin tio̍h-bê, kám-kak chhù-bī, m̄-koh taⁿ yi kan-ta siūⁿ boeh kín kiat-sok chit-chiat khò, thang-hó kín tńg-chhù.

Khò-tn̂g nih móa-móa sī bô-liâu ê bīn-chhiuⁿ, tōa pō͘-hūn sī cha̍p-saⁿ/sì hòe (yi mā bat khòaⁿ tio̍h hiah siàu-liân neh?) chin chió lâng koan-sim a̍h liáu-kái yi chò ê tāi-chì, in-ūi m̄-bat tú tio̍h pi-kio̍k, soah bē-tàng liáu-kái tùi yi ê su-iàu. M̄-koh chhin-chhiūⁿ chit-khoán ha̍k-hāu, chū-chi̍p kúi-ā ê kok-ka nih siōng hó, siōng chhong-bêng ê gín-á (kin-kì Nkem Ozechi ê kóng-hoat), la̍p kāu-kāu ê lé-kim hō͘ Tiong-sim, chhiàⁿ chhiūⁿ yi chit-khoán lâng lâi ián-káng, tùi yi lâi kóng, che mā sī siōng khin-khó thàn ê chîⁿ.

"Lín tiong-kan gōa-chē lâng ē-tàng khòaⁿ chi̍t-ê lâng, chai-iáⁿ i chin siong-sim?"

Kui-pan lóng gia̍h chhiú.

"Lín tiong-kan gōa-chē lâng ē-tàng chai chi̍t-ê lâng siong-sim, ká-sú i bô khàu?"

Tōa pō͘-hūn ê chhiú iáu gia̍h tio̍h.

"Lín tiong-kan gōa-chē lâng ē-tàng khòaⁿ siong-sim ê lâng, chai i sī án-nóa siong-sim, koh ē-tàng kái-koat chit-ê būn-tê?"

Só͘-ū ê chhiú lóng pàng lo̍h-lâi ah. Taⁿ yi tit-tio̍h in ê chù-ì ah, choăn yi kái-soeh yi ê kang-chok.

Yi hō͘ kau-tâm koh kè-sio̍k 15 hun-cheng, chiah kā kiat-sok.

- -

3. 她干焦想欲緊結束演講

結數 ê 時, 為她買 ê 雜貨 skan koh 裝袋 ê 少年家結 ê 名牌寫 "Martin," 這可能是, mā 可能毋是伊 ê 真名. 英國人佮意 in ê 服務員 ê 名好讀, 大部份公司 mā án-ne 要求員工. 伊手目 ê 刺青顯示伊 ê 公民身份 -- 原本 Biafra 人 -- kap 伊 ê 階級, 3 等. 伊定著是蹛 tī 市外, 而且伊一下進入電子門閘就被追蹤, 一直到伊下班離開. 伊比大部份人較好運.

Tī 車頂, 她看手機仔, 她 ê 電話干焦老爸, 助手, kap Kioni 知影. 猶是無消息. 自她搬出去, 姻就無講話. 毋管姻是按怎分手, 她著愛知, Nneoma 會操心. 無半个姻共同相捌 ê 新 Kenya 人知影去佗揣她, Kioni ê 電話總是無人接. 凡勢 Kioni kō͘ án-ne 來趕走她 ê 心病. 

Tī 去學校 ê 路頂, 她食兩粒 lingo 和一塊 pháng, koh 掀她 ê 筆記來看. 她已經做過真濟擺這種演講, 重點毋是演講, 是欲發現潛在 ê 數學家, in 有法度互相發現. 她 kō͘ 一支指頭仔指公式, 彼到今猶予她沉醉. 她買 57 條公式, 雖罔干焦幾條就有夠用來測驗學生.

Tī 代誌開始崩隙 ê 時, 世界因為地動裂開, 休眠久久 ê 火山伸勻, peh-hah, 大叫, 教堂 (清真寺, 廟寺) 倒去, 毋但實體建物搖甲變塗烌, 種種制度 mā 仝款. Chile 數學家 Francisco Furcal 行入真空, 發現一个解說宇宙 ê 公式. 彼就若像宇宙本身, 是無限 ê, 這个公式無限, 凡勢延伸到人類 mā 無限 ê 想法, 正正是這个世界所需要 ê.

幾十年來, 有人開始實驗這个無限 ê 公式, tī 這个過程當中, 發現種種和人體解剖學一致 ê 方程式, 予她今 teh 做 ê 工課成做可能. 中心 ê 一台電腦走這个公式 24/7, 探測伊 ê 無限性. 有千千萬萬條 ê 方程式. 過去有人會當去南 Afrika 分部看出現 tī 螢幕 ê 不盡符號. 後來, 中心無 koh 對公眾開放, 就開始有謠言, 講 Furcal ê 公式毋著, 毋是無限, 講伊 ê 理路 tī 幾百萬 koh 幾百萬 ê 排列組合當中出現問題, 彼是超過人類 tī 一生中間會當計算 ê 範圍.

Chiah-ê 不過是謠言, 毋過後來有一个人 ùi 天頂跋落來.

得欲到學校 ê 時, in 有看 e 一寡攑閃爍電子標語 ê 抗議者. 受氣 ê 人 ê 受氣紅色. Amadi kā 車放慢.

"夫人?"

"繼續行, 干焦 10 个人."

毋過等她欲離開 ê 時, 人數有可能變三倍. In 那總是知影她 tī 佗?

車綴手勢進入學校外門, 然後來到內門, Amadi ê 證件經過檢查, koh 複查. 守衛認定 Amadi 無資格留 tī 內門等候, Nneoma 就出面干涉. 她 ê 司機, 她 ê 規則. 守衛就 ná 她所期待 ê 讓步, Amani kā 車停 tī 一个無曝日 ê 所在. 迎接 Nneoma ê 是校長 Nkem Ozechi, 一个細粒子, 撆紮 ê 查某, 她 ê 手予她想著 Kioni ê. 她有一種自我得意 ê 氣質, 行路 ê 姿態完全暢甲 ná teh 趒. 她和 Nneoma 講話袂輸雙人已經捌幾若年 ah. 若毋是今仔日, Nneoma 凡勢會真著迷, 感覺趣味, 毋過今她干焦想欲緊結束這節課, 通好緊轉厝.

課堂 nih 滿滿是無聊 ê 面腔, 大部份是十三四歲 (她 mā 捌看著 hiah 少年 neh?) 真少人關心 a̍h 了解她做 ê 代誌, 因為毋捌拄著悲劇, 煞袂當了解對她 ê 需要. 毋過親像這款學校, 聚集幾若个國家 nih 上好, 上聰明 ê 囡仔 (根據 Nkem Ozechi ê 講法), 納厚厚 ê 禮金予中心, 倩像她這款人來演講, 對她來講, 這 mā 是上輕可趁 ê 錢.

"恁中間偌濟人會當看一个人, 知影伊真傷心?"

規班攏攑手.

"恁中間偌濟人會當知一个人傷心, 假使伊無哭?"

大部份 ê 手猶攑著.

"恁中間偌濟人會當看傷心 ê 人, 知伊是按怎傷心, koh 會當解決這个問題?"

所有 ê 手攏放落來 ah. 今她得著 in ê 注意 ah, choăn 她解說她 ê 工作.

她予交談 koh 繼續 15 分鐘, 才 kā 結束.

- -

3.

At checkout, the boy who scanned and bagged her groceries had a name tag that read “Martin,” which may or may not have been his name. The Britons preferred their service workers with names they could pronounce, and most companies obliged them. The tattoo on his wrist indicated his citizenship—an original Biafran—and his class, third. No doubt he lived outside of the city and was tracked the minute he crossed the electronic threshold till he finished his shift and left. He was luckier than most.

At the car, she checked her personal phone, the number only her father, her assistant, and Kioni knew. Still no message. They hadn’t spoken since she’d moved out. She had to know Nneoma worried, in spite of how they’d left things. None of their mutual New Kenyan contacts knew where to find her and Kioni’s phone went unanswered. Maybe this was what it took for Kioni to exorcise her. 

On the way to the school, Nneoma finished off two apples and a roll and flipped through her notes. She had done many such presentations, which were less about presenting and more about identifying potential Mathematicians, who had a way of feeling each other out. She ran a finger along the Formula, still mesmerized by it after all this time. She’d brought fifty-seven lines of it, though she would only need a few to test the students. 

When things began to fall apart, the world cracked open by earthquakes and long dormant volcanoes stretched, yawned and bellowed, the churches (mosques, temples) fell, not just the physical buildings shaken to dust by tremors, but the institutions as well. Into the vacuum stepped Francisco Furcal, a Chilean Mathematician who discovered a formula that explained the universe. It, like the universe, was infinite and the idea that the formula had no end and, perhaps, by extension, humanity had no end, was exactly what the world had needed. 

Over decades, people began to experiment with this infinite formula, and in the process discovered equations that coincided with the anatomy of the human body, making work like hers possible. A computer at the Center ran the Formula 24/7, testing its infiniteness. There were thousands and thousands of lines. People used to be able to tour the South African branch and watch the endless symbols race across a screen ticker-style. Then the Center closed to the public, and the rumors started that Furcal’s Formula was wrong, not infinite, that the logic of it faltered millions and millions of permutations down the line, past anything a human could calculate in her lifetime. 

They were just that, rumors, but then a man fell from the sky.

As they neared the school, they could see a few protesters with gleaming electronic placards. The angry red of angry men. Amadi slowed.

“Madam?”

“Keep going, there are only ten.” 

But the number could triple by the time she was ready to leave. How did they always know where she’d be?

The car was waved through the school’s outer gate, then the inner gate where Amadi’s ID was checked, then double checked. When the guard decided that Amadi wasn’t credentialed enough to wait within the inner gate, Nneoma stepped in. Her driver, her rules. The guard conceded as she’d known he would and Amadi parked the car under a covered spot out of the sun. Nneoma was greeted by Nkem Ozechi, the headmaster, a small, neat woman whose hands reminded her of Kioni’s. She had a smug air about her and walked with a gait that was entirely too pleased with itself. She spoke to Nneoma as though they’d known each other for years. On a different day, Nneoma might have been charmed, interested, but she just wanted the session to be over with so she could go home. 

The class was filled with bored faces, most around thirteen or fourteen (had she ever looked so young?) with few caring or understanding what she did, too untouched by tragedy to understand her necessity. But schools like these, which gathered the best and brightest several nations had to offer (according to Nkem Ozechi), paid the Center handsomely to have people like her speak and it was the easiest money she earned. 

“How many of you can look at someone and know that they are sad?”

The whole class raised their hands.

“How many of you can tell someone is sad even if they are not crying?”

Most hands stayed up.

“How many of you can look at a person who is sad, know why they are sad and fix it?”

All hands lowered. She had their attention now as she explained what she did. 

The talk lasted fifteen minutes before she brought it to a close.

- -

2. 她會曉為人消除悲傷

2. Yi ē-hiáu ūi lâng siau-tî pi-siong

I chhiâng-chāi kóng, "In lâi chia bô in ka-tī ê kok-ka, siūⁿ boeh chiap-siu it-chhè, koh m̄ chò jīm-hô kòng-hiàn."

Án-ne kóng m̄-sī oân-choân chèng-khak.

Tī tōa-chúi thun-chia̍h Eng-kok saⁿ-ê tó ê sî, in chhun-chhiú hiòng Biafra, chit-ê pang-chō͘ ê chhéng-kiû tit-tio̍h hôe-èng. In chè-tēng tiâu-khoán, chhiam kong-pêⁿ kau-ōaⁿ ho̍k-bū ê hia̍p-gī. M̄-koh in chhun chi̍t-chhiú chhut-lâi chhéng-kiû pang-chō͘ ê sî, iáu chi̍t-chhiú lāng chi̍t-ki to. Chi̍t-ē lâi kàu chia, Eng-kok lâng kian-chhî ài ū in ka-tī ê thó͘-tē, hām in ka-tī ê chèng-hú. Tī Eng-kok ui-hia̍p sú-iōng seng-bu̍t bú-khì ê tang-tiong, ta̍t-sêng liáu chi̍t-ê thò-hia̍p, sêng-li̍p liáu Biafra-Britannia Liân-pang. Kong-ke thó͘-tē, kong-ke chèng-hú, kong-ke oàn-hūn. Tāi-chì hoat-seng hit-sî, yin lāu-pē iáu sī gín-á, m̄-koh i kian-sim chi-chhî Biafra to̍k-li̍p ê siūⁿ-hoat, i ê pē-bú tō sī ūi chit-ê siūⁿ-hoat tī 2030 nî-tāi lâi hi-seng. I pēng bô ko͘-toaⁿ, m̄-koh tōa pō͘-hūn lâng lóng chai-thang kā put-ho̍k khǹg tī sim-lāi, iû-kî in nā ū chi̍t-ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka chă-kiáⁿ, chit-chióng chit-gia̍p ū i ka-tī ê mâ-hoân. Chit-chióng hō͘-siong iú-lī ê liân-pang, pí Franse tùi Senegal só͘ chò, hām Bí-kok tùi Meksiko só͘ chò, sǹg sī ū khah hó.

Amadi ná sái-chhia, ná kō͘ āu-kiàⁿ chù-ì yi, siūⁿ boeh chhōe chi̍t-ê ki-hōe khui-chhùi, thang kóng liâm-mi kám boeh sūn-lō͘ khì yin lāu-pē hia, khì chi̍t-ē-á tō hó, kan-ta phah chi̍t-ē chio-ho͘. Nneoma phiah-bián ba̍k-chiu kap i sio-khòaⁿ. Yi bē-tàng khì khòaⁿ yin lāu-pē, bē-tàng phah chio-ho͘, kin-á-ji̍t bē-tàng, í-āu mā bē-tàng.

Chhia lâi kàu Shoprite siong-tiàm, Nneoma thiàu chhut-lâi. Yi ê pak-tó͘ iau kah ku-ku kiò, yi ê chhài-nâ té ê kóe-chí khah chē kòe chia̍h chi̍t lé-pài ê gia̍h, koh chhah-tūi bé pháng, hō͘ pâi-tūi ê kò͘-kheh khì kah kā-gê. Kūi-tâi ê lâng jīn chhut yi, sûi the̍h yi koàn-sì bé ê pháng kap chhè-phôe bagét, che ē hō͘ yi chia̍h kah sim nih pháiⁿ-sè. Franse lâng bô ti̍t-chiap tit tio̍h chîⁿ, m̄-koh yi iáu-sī kám-kak, bé bagét sī teh chàn-chō͘ Franse lâng ê lí-liām. Hia ê lâng lia̍h yi kim-kim khòaⁿ, siūⁿ kóng che sī siáng ah (gōa-kau koaⁿ? Pō͘-tiúⁿ hu-jîn?); yi bô chhap, iân tiàm ê piⁿ-á kiâⁿ, se̍h hiòng kiat-siàu ê kūi-tâi.

Hit-sî, yi chù-ì tio̍h i.

Nneoma pàng bān kha-pō͘, the̍h khí chi̍t-a̍p sé-saⁿ-hún, ké-sian teh tha̍k soat-bêng, thang kō͘ ba̍k-kak tui-chong i. I chhēng-chhah tāi-toān, bē kòe-hūn. I gāng-gāng khòaⁿ yi, m̄-chai ná ē hō͘ yi bê tio̍h. Nneoma kám-kak tio̍h ùi i lâu chhut ê pi-siong, yi chai-iáⁿ, yi nā chi̍p-tiong chù-ì-le̍k, tō ē-tàng khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê pi-siong, chheng-chhó kah ná-chhiūⁿ chi̍t-ki chhâ-chhoaⁿ. Yi ē-sái khòaⁿ-kìⁿ pi-siong ê kin-goân, i ê kiat-kò͘, í-ki̍p he kò͘-tēng tī i sin-khu ê hong-sek. Yi mā ē-tàng kā he siau-tî. 

Che sī tī yi 14-hòe ê sî, tī sò͘-ha̍k khò khai-sí ê. Yi it-hiòng sò͘-ha̍k chin hó, m̄-koh m̄-bat siūⁿ boeh chiâⁿ-chò Sò͘-ha̍k-ka. Bô-lâng án-ne chò. He m̄-sī lí ē soán-te̍k a̍h kî-bōng khì chò ê chit-gia̍p; lí boeh chò a̍h m̄-chò lóng ē-sái. Hit-kang, lāu-su hō͘ in khòaⁿ chi̍t-kōaⁿ tn̂g-tn̂g ê Furcal ê Kong-sek, he sī ná-chhiūⁿ bé chi̍t-kōaⁿ pēⁿ-to̍k án-ne ùi Tiong-sim bé lâi ê. Tùi tōa pō͘-hūn kî-thaⁿ ê ha̍k-seng, he sī chi̍t-kōaⁿ bô hoat-tō͘ lí-kái ê sò͘-jī kap hû-hō, m̄-koh tùi Nneoma he tō ná chhiūⁿ jī-bó hiah kán-tan. Khòaⁿ tio̍h hit-ê Kong-sek phah-khui yi sim-siōng ê chi̍t-ê só, chū hit-sî khai-sí, yi tō ē-tàng khòaⁿ chhut chi̍t-ê lâng ê pi-siong, tō ná-chhiūⁿ khòaⁿ tio̍h i chhēng ê saⁿ hiah-nī chheng-chhó.

Tiong-sim thè yi kiáu yi í-āu ê ha̍k-hùi, mā thè yi hêng yin tau khiàm lâng ê chi̍t-kóa chè-bū, koh bé hō͘ yin chi̍t-keng sin chhù. In hùn-liān yi bôa-liān ka-tī ê châi-chêng, m̄-nā ē-tàng khòaⁿ chhut lâng ê pi-siong, koh tio̍h ē-hiáu ūi lâng siau-tî pi-siong. Yi í-keng án-ne chò chin kú ah, sīm-chì ē-tàng ūi siōng kò͘-chip ê hoān-chiá kóaⁿ-cháu siōng bân-phôe ê chhòng-siong. Jiân-āu, yin lāu-bú sí khì.

Tiàm nih hit-ê cha-po͘-lâng khiā tī hia khòaⁿ yi, Nneoma thàn i teh gāng ê sî kiâⁿ khui. Pi-siong ê lâng chhiâng-chāi hō͘ yi khip-ín tio̍h, che sī chi̍t-chióng chù-ì bē-tio̍h ê khip-ín-le̍k. Án-ne hō͘ yi an-ún ê seng-oa̍h hēng-hok koh pit-iàu. Tiong-sim chin lí-kái, mā pang-chān chhiam-iok ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka thai-soán in ê kheh-hō͘. Bô-lâng ē pī-pek chò i bô kah-ì chò ê tāi-chì. Nneoma ê kheh-hō͘ chha-put-to kan-ta sī sit-khì gín-á ê pē-bú, in sī hó-gia̍h hu-chhe, m̄-bat siūⁿ kòe sí-bông ē chhōe tio̍h in, it-ti̍t kàu tāi-chì hoat-seng. Tī Tiong-sim hām chèng-hú ha̍p-chok, lâi hia̍p-chō͘ kan-khó͘-lâng ê sî, chit-ê khang-khòe sī chì-goān-sèng ê, tōa pō͘-hūn Sò͘-ha̍k-ka tō múi lé-pài kòng-hiàn kúi tiám-cheng. Bô chhiūⁿ Kioni án-ne choân-sî-kan hoa̍t-lo̍h hiah-ê lâng, mā bô chhiūⁿ Nneoma án-ne oân-choân bô teh hoa̍t-lo̍h in. Mama Kioni, Nneoma bat án-ne kā chheng-ho͘, khí-chho͘ chhin hò͘-hò͘, āu-lâi tāi-chì piàn bái ê sî, tō piàn kah chin pháiⁿ siaⁿ-sàu. Se-chong pih-chah phôe-ê hó ê hit-ê lâng ū ha̍h yi só͘ kah-ì ê kheh-hō͘, bī-lâi i ū khó-lêng chiâⁿ-chò yi ê kheh-hō͘, m̄-koh m̄-sī kin-á-ji̍t, m̄-sī chhiūⁿ taⁿ án-ne.

- -

2. 她會曉為人消除悲傷

伊常在講, "In 來遮無 in 家己 ê 國家, 想欲接收一切, koh 毋做任何貢獻."

Án-ne 講毋是完全正確.

Tī 大水吞食英國三个島 ê 時, in 伸手向 Biafra, 這个幫助 ê 請求得著回應. In 制定條款, 簽公平交換服務 ê 協議. 毋過 in 伸一手出來請求幫助 ê 時, 猶一手弄一支刀. 一下來到遮, 英國人堅持愛有 in 家己 ê 土地, 和 in 家己 ê 政府. Tī 英國威脅使用生物武器 ê 當中, 達成了一个妥協, 成立了 Biafra-Britannia 聯邦. 公家土地, 公家政府, 公家怨恨. 代誌發生彼時, 姻老爸猶是囡仔, 毋過伊堅心支持 Biafra 獨立 ê 想法, 伊 ê 爸母就是為這个想法 tī 2030 年代來犧牲. 伊並無孤單, 毋過大部份人攏知通 kā 不服囥 tī 心內, 尤其 in 若有一个數學家 chă 囝, 這種職業有伊家己 ê 麻煩. 這種互相有利 ê 聯邦, 比 Franse 對 Senegal 所做, 和美國對 Meksiko 所做, 算是有較好.

Amadi ná 駛車, ná kō͘ 後鏡注意她, 想欲揣一个機會開喙, 通講 liâm-mi 敢欲順路去姻老爸遐, 去一下仔就好, 干焦拍一下招呼. Nneoma 避免目睭 kap 伊相看. 她袂當去看姻老爸, 袂當拍招呼, 今仔日袂當, 以後 mā 袂當.

車來到 Shoprite 商店, Nneoma 跳出來. 她 ê 腹肚枵甲 ku-ku 叫, 她 ê 菜籃貯 ê 果子較濟過食一禮拜 ê 額, koh 插隊買 pháng, 予排隊 ê 顧客氣甲咬牙. 櫃台 ê 人認出她, 隨提她慣勢買 ê pháng kap 脆皮 bagét, 這會予她食甲心 nih 歹勢. Franse 人無直接得著錢, 毋過她猶是感覺, 買 bagét 是 teh 贊助 Franse 人 ê 理念. 遐 ê 人掠她金金看, 想講這是 siáng ah (外交官? 部長夫人?); 她無 chhap, 沿店 ê 邊仔行, 踅向結數 ê 櫃台.

彼時, 她注意著伊.

Nneoma 放慢跤步, 提起一盒洗衫粉, 假仙 teh 讀說明, 通 kō͘ 目角追蹤伊. 伊穿插大段, 袂過份. 伊愣愣看她, 毋知那會予她迷著. Nneoma 感覺著 ùi 伊流出 ê 悲傷, 她知影, 她若集中注意力, 就會當看著伊 ê 悲傷, 清楚甲若像一支柴 chhoaⁿ. 她會使看見悲傷 ê 根源, 伊 ê 結構, 以及彼固定 tī 伊身軀 ê 方式. 她 mā 會當 kā 彼消除. 

這是 tī 她 14 歲 ê 時, tī 數學課開始 ê. 她一向數學真好, 毋過毋捌想欲成做數學家. 無人 án-ne 做. 彼毋是你會選擇 a̍h 期望去做 ê 職業; 你欲做 a̍h 毋做攏會使. 彼工, 老師予 in 看一捾長長 ê Furcal ê 公式, 彼是若像買一捾病毒 án-ne ùi 中心買來 ê. 對大部份其他 ê 學生, 彼是一捾無法度理解 ê 數字 kap 符號, 毋過對 Nneoma 彼就若像字母 hiah 簡單. 看著彼个公式拍開她心上 ê 一个鎖, 自彼時開始, 她就會當看出一个人 ê 悲傷, 就若像看著伊穿 ê 衫 hiah-nī 清楚.

中心替她繳她以後 ê 學費, mā 替她還姻兜欠人 ê 一寡債務, koh 買予姻一間新厝. In 訓練她磨練家己 ê 才情, 毋但會當看出人 ê 悲傷, koh 著會曉為人消除悲傷. 她已經 án-ne 做真久 ah, 甚至會當為上固執 ê 患者趕走上蠻皮 ê 創傷. 然後, 姻老母死去.

店 nih 彼个查埔人徛 tī 遐看她, Nneoma 趁伊 teh 愣 ê 時行開. 悲傷 ê 人常在予她吸引著, 這是一種注意袂著 ê 吸引力. Án-ne 予她安穩 ê 生活幸福 koh 必要. 中心真理解, mā 幫贊簽約 ê 數學家篩選 in ê 客戶. 無人會被迫做伊無佮意做 ê 代誌. Nneoma ê 客戶差不多干焦是失去囡仔 ê 爸母, in 是好額夫妻, 毋捌想過死亡會揣著 in, 一直到代誌發生. Tī 中心和政府合作, 來協助艱苦人 ê 時, 這个工課是志願性 ê, 大部份數學家就每禮拜貢獻幾點鐘. 無像 Kioni án-ne 全時間發落 hiah-ê 人, mā 無像 Nneoma án-ne 完全無 teh 發落 in. Mama Kioni, Nneoma 捌 án-ne kā 稱呼, 起初親戽戽, 後來代誌變䆀 ê 時, 就變甲真歹聲嗽. 西裝撆紮皮鞋好 ê 彼个人有合她所佮意 ê 客戶, 未來伊有可能成做她 ê 客戶, 毋過毋是今仔日, 毋是像今 án-ne.

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2.

“They come here with no country of their own and try to take over everything and don’t contribute anything,” he’d often said.

That wasn’t entirely true.

When the floods started swallowing the British Isles, they’d reached out to Biafra, a plea for help that was answered. Terms were drawn, equitable exchanges of services contracted. But while one hand reached out for help, the other wielded a knife. Once here, the Britons had insisted on their own lands and their own separate government. A compromise, aided by the British threat to deploy biological weapons, resulted in the Biafra-Britannia Alliance. Shared lands, shared governments, shared grievances. Her father had only been a boy when it happened, but held bitterly to the idea of Biafran independence, an independence his parents had died for in the late 2030s. He wasn’t alone, but most people knew to keep their disagreements to themselves, especially if their daughter was a Mathematician, a profession that came with its own set of troubles. And better a mutually beneficial, if unwanted, alliance than what the French had done in Senegal, the Americans in Mexico.

As Amadi drove, he kept the rearview mirror partially trained on her, looking for an opening to start a chat that would no doubt lead to him saying that maybe they could swing by her father’s place later, just for a moment, just to say hello. Nneoma avoided eye contact. She couldn’t see her father, not for a quick hello, not today, not ever.

They pulled up to Shoprite and Nneoma hopped out. Her stomach grumbled and she loaded more fruit in her basket than she could eat in a week and cut the bread queue to the chagrin of the waiting customers. The man at the counter recognized her and handed over the usual selection of rolls and the crusty baguette she would eat with a twinge of guilt. The French didn’t get money directly, but she still couldn’t stop feeling as if  she funded the idea of them. Ignoring the people staring at her, wondering who she might be (a diplomat? a Minister’s girlfriend?), she walked the edges of the store, looping towards the checkout lane.

Then she felt him.

Nneoma slowed and picked up a small box of detergent, feigning interest in the instructions to track him from the corner of her eye. He was well-dressed, but not overly so. He looked at her confused, not sure why he was so drawn to her. Nneoma could feel the sadness rolling off him and she knew if she focused she’d be able to see his grief, clear as a splinter. She would see the source of it, its architecture, and the way it anchored to him. And she would be able to remove it.

It started when she was fourteen, in math class. She’d always been good at it, but had no designs on being a Mathematician. No one did. It wasn’t a profession you chose or aspired to; you could either do it or you couldn’t. That day, the teacher had showed them a long string of Furcal’s Formula, purchased from the Center like a strain of a virus. To most of the other students, it was an impenetrable series of numbers and symbols, but to Nneoma it was as simple as the alphabet. Seeing the Formula unlocked something in her and from then on she could see a person’s sadness as plainly as the clothes he wore. 

The Center paid for the rest of her schooling, paid off the little debt her family had and bought them a new house. They trained her to hone her talents and go beyond merely seeing a person’s grief till she knew how to remove it as well. She’d been doing it for so long she could exorcise the deepest of traumas for even the most resistant of patients. Then her mother died.

The man in the store stood there looking at her and Nneoma used his confusion to walk away. The grieving were often drawn to her, an inadvertent magnetic thing. It made her sheltered life blessed and necessary. The Center was very understanding and helped contracted Mathematicians screen their clients. No one was ever forced to do anything they didn’t want to. Nneoma worked almost exclusively with parents who’d lost a child, wealthy couples who’d thought death couldn’t touch them, till it did. When the Center partnered with governments to work with their distressed populations, the job was voluntary and most Mathematicians donated a few hours a week. Unlike Kioni, who worked with those people full time, and unlike Nneoma, who didn’t work with them at all. Mother Kioni, Nneoma had called her, first with affection, then with increasing malice when it all turned ugly. The man in the tidy suit and good shoes was along the lines of her preferred clientele and he could very well become a client of hers in the future, but not today, not like this.

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X. Ū-lâng ùi Thiⁿ-téng Poa̍h-lo̍h Ē Án-nóa | 有人 ùi 天頂跋落會按怎 - 1. 她是計算悲傷 ê 數學家

What It Means When a Man Falls From the Sky /by Lesley Nneka Arimah
https://catapult.co/stories/some-mathematicians-remove-pain-some-of-us-deal-in-negative-emotions-we-all-fix-the-equation-of-a-person

Ū-lâng ùi Thiⁿ-téng Poa̍h-lo̍h Ē Án-nóa | 有人 ùi 天頂跋落會按怎

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1. Yi sī kè-sǹg pi-siong ê sò͘-ha̍k-ka

Án-ne tō ē ū 24 tiám-cheng ê sin-bûn pò-tō. Án-ne tō ē ū chèng-kheh kín chò sún-hāi khòng-chè; ū oa̍h-tāng hūn-chú siàn-tōng lâng khòng-gī. Án-ne tō piáu-sī Francisco Furcal ê cha-bó͘ sun tio̍h tī kì-chiá-hōe ūi yin ka-cho̍k ê ûi-sán piān-hō͘.

"Goán a-kong ê kong-sek bô m̄-tio̍h. Sò͘-ha̍k sī kò͘-tēng koh choa̍t-tùi. Jīm-hô chhut-hiān ê būn-tê, sī sǹg m̄-tio̍h khì ê lâng ê chhò-gō͘."

Lú-sū ah, che m̄-sī hó-pō͘. Án-ne ē hō͘ lâng-lâng chū-ngó͘ pó-hō͘, the̍h-chhut in ê sêng-chek-toaⁿ hām khó-chhì hun-sò͘ hām it-chhè ē-tàng chèng-bêng in ê thian-châi ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Nneoma chhì teh siūⁿ, poaⁿ-chhù liáu, yi ê bûn-kiāⁿ khǹg tī tó-ūi, che hō͘ yi siūⁿ khí yi só͘ lâu-lo̍h ê lâng.

Thōng-hó mài mō͘ chit-ê hiám. Siōng-hó ê tian-tò sī chi̍p-tiong chù-ì tī pó-choân lo̍k-iáⁿ-ki hip-tio̍h ê chùn-tāng ê iáⁿ-siōng téng-bīn. Chit-ê iû tōng-chok khé-tāng ê ke-si ū lo̍k-tio̍h hit-lâng poa̍h-lo̍h ê chòe-āu 50 chhioh, siang-chhiú ia̍t kah ná hong-chhia ê kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ, kap i siak lo̍h tē ê sin-khu. Sin-bûn ê pò͘-sâng sûi thiàu khì hoat-hiān hui-hêng hong-thêng-sek ê hiah-ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka. In tú tio̍h kì-chiá, tī party nih, tī chiap gín-á ê ko-kip o͘-thâu-á chhia nih, tī tō͘-ká tang-tiong, hông gán tio̍h tōa pō͘-hūn koan-chiòng só͘ chheⁿ-hūn ê chhia-hoa, koan-chiòng tiāⁿ-tio̍h kám-kak sim-sek, m̄-koán sī in gāi-gio̍h ê piáu-chêng, a̍h sī ùi in he chia̍h pá-pá, m̄-chai siáⁿ sī phòe-kip ê chhùi só͘ chòaⁿ chhut-lâi ê piān-hō͘ giân-lūn. 

Kan-ta khián-chek Sò͘-ha̍k-ka, tian-tò bô khián-chek "Kong-sek," Martina Furcal hām "Tiong-sim" chhòng-chō chi̍t-ê tōa kńg-lê-á hong, sàu khì hiah-ê só͘-ūi bē-poa̍h-tó ê kho-ha̍k-ka hia, án-ne lâi pó-hō͘ tio̍h yin ka-cho̍k ê ûi-sán. Mā kò͘-tiâu ka-cho̍k ê chîⁿ. Hoān-sè che kin-pún m̄-sī chi̍t-ê pháiⁿ-pō͘.

Nneoma chhiat-ōaⁿ pîn-tō thiàu leh khòaⁿ, koh chù-ì thiaⁿ. Jû-kó iú-koan Furcal ê Kong-sek khai-sí pang-khiah ê iâu-giân tit-tio̍h khip-ín, án-ne tō chóng-ē sìm-thàu kàu 2,400 ê chhin-chhiūⁿ yi chit-khoán ê Sò͘-ha̍k-ka, chiah-ê tī choân-kiû hoān-ûi, khò kè-sǹg hām siau-tî chêng-sū thàn-chia̍h ê lâng ê khang-khòe, sī ùi oa̍h-lâng khip chêng-sū, tō ná chhiūⁿ ùi khang-chhùi khip to̍k-sò͘ án-ne. 

Yi sī choan-bûn kè-sǹg pi-siong ê 57-ūi chù-chheh sò͘-ha̍k-ka chi it, pí kū-nî ê 59-ūi khah chió. Australia lâng Alvin Claspell, thiaⁿ-kóng i seng khí-siáu, boeh chia̍h ka-tī, āu-lâi chū-sat ah. Chit-chióng thâu-lō͘ m̄-sī thong-lâng ē. iū-koh, Kioni Mutahi bô-tāi-bô-chì sit-chong, hō͘ New Kenya kan-ta chhun chi̍t-ê kè-sǹg pi-siong ê choan-ka.

Nneoma taⁿ tòa ê Biafra-Britannia Liân-pang ū 6-ūi pi-siong choan-ka, tī chit-ê pi-siong chi̍p-tiong ê só͘-chāi ū siōng-chē ê pi-siong choan-ka. Sī ah, mā sī ū-chîⁿ-lâng siōng chi̍p-tiong ê só͘-chāi.

Kāng-khoán ê kiàⁿ-thâu chi̍t-pái koh chi̍t-pái. Nneoma kā tiān-sī koaiⁿ-tiāu. Tio̍h tán kàu hiah-ê hui-hêng-chiá kak-chhéⁿ koh chek-pī poa̍h-lo̍h ê lâng sī in-ūi kè-sǹg chhò-gō͘, chit-chióng hàm-kó͘-tāi chiah ū khó-lêng kiat-sok. "Kha-chhng khàm ba̍t, m̄-thang ké gâu," Pak-Bí-chiu ū chit-chióng kóng-hoat, m̄-koh taⁿ ê Pak-Bí í-keng bô siáⁿ lâng thang án-ne kóng ah.

Chhiú-ki-á chhut-hiān ū chi̍t-tiâu té-sìn, Nneoma kip-kip kā chhi̍h lâi khòaⁿ, jiân-āu pháiⁿ-sè ka-tī sī teh kip siáⁿ, jiân-āu koh-khah pháiⁿ-sè, in-ūi he m̄-nā kap Kioni bô koan-hē, put-kò sī yi ê chō͘-chhiú thê-chhéⁿ yi, bîn-á-chài tī ha̍k-hāu ū chi̍t-tiûⁿ ián-káng. Yi kā té-sìn thâi tiāu -- tong-jiân yi ē-kì-tit -- iū-koh kám-kak àu-náu. Yi iū-koh siūⁿ khí, tio̍h hìⁿ-sak chit-ê siàu-liân cha-bó͘. M̄-koh, ū sî-chūn lí su-iàu ū chō͘-chhiú, chhin-chhiūⁿ kóng, lín lú-pêng-iú kō͘ tong-chho͘ iû yi chú-tōng hām lí kau-pôe kāng-khoán hó-lé koh léng-tām ê thài-tō͘ hām lí kiat-sok koan-hē, hō͘ lí tio̍h tī chi̍t lé-pài nih chéng-lí koh poaⁿ-sóa saⁿ-nî ê pùn-sò. Chit-sî, chō͘-chhiú tō chin hó iōng. M̄-koh he sī 8 lé-pài í-chêng ê tāi-chì, Nneoma í-keng hó-sè ah. Chin ê, yi bô tāi-chì ah.

Yi siu hó bûn-kiāⁿ, chhi̍h lêng-á kiò chhia, chhia sûi tō lâi kàu po-lê mn̂g chêng. Amadi chiah-nī chún-sî, chóng-sī án-ne, sīm-chì tī yi iáu-sī gín-á ê sî tō án-ne. Yin lāu-bú bat kā kóng, yi ē-tàng tī lo̍h lâu-thui ê sî kiò Amadi, tán yi khui-mn̂g, i ē í-keng tī hia tán. Mama í-keng bô tī leh, lāu-pē kui-ê pháiⁿ khì, m̄-bat koh lī-khui chhù. Amadi it-ti̍t thiaⁿ Lāu-pē ê chhe-sái, tán yi ùi New Kenya tńg-lâi, lāu-pē kā i sàng hō͘ yi, ná-chhiūⁿ sàng chi̍t-nâ ko-kip chhiz án-ne. Yi chiap-siū chit-ê su-ki, chiàu yi tùi lāu-pē ê liáu-kái, che sī chi̍t-ê hô-pêng ê hiàn-lé. Sui-bóng in ê koan-hē éng-oán bē koh kāng-khoán, m̄-koh yi iáu-sī múi keh chi̍t lé-pài tō tī lé-pài-ji̍t khà tiān-ōe hō͘ lāu-pē.

Yi hoan-hù Amadi seng khì siong-tiàm. Chhia sūn Enugu khoan-khoah ê ke-lō͘ sái, keng-kòe chi̍t-ê hāu-tiâⁿ, móa-móa sī lâu-kōaⁿ ê pe̍h chhang-chhang ê gín-á. M̄-sī Nneoma tùi Eng-kok lâng ū siáⁿ ì-kiàn, sī in-ūi yi siū tio̍h lāu-pē ê éng-hióng. Lāu-pē siōng giâm-lē ê sî, kiò in lān-bîn, m̄-sī kok-bīn, i tī pêng-iú-kài tiong-kan chá tō bô siū hoan-gêng.

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1. 她是計算悲傷 ê 數學家

Án-ne 就會有 24 點鐘 ê 新聞報導. Án-ne 就會有政客緊做損害控制; 有活動份子煽動人抗議. Án-ne 就表示 Francisco Furcal ê 查某孫著 tī 記者會為姻家族 ê 遺產辯護.

"阮阿公 ê 公式無毋著. 數學是固定 koh 絕對. 任何出現 ê 問題, 是算毋著去 ê 人 ê 錯誤."

女士 ah, 這毋是好步. Án-ne 會予人人自我保護, 提出 in ê 成績單和考試分數和一切會當證明 in ê 天才 ê 物件. Nneoma 試 teh 想, 搬厝了, 她 ê 文件囥 tī 佗位, 這予她想起她所留落 ê 人.

Thōng 好莫冒這个險. 上好 ê 顛倒是集中注意 tī 保全錄影機翕著 ê 顫動 ê 影像頂面. 這个由動作啟動 ê 家私有錄著彼人跋落 ê 最後 50 尺, 雙手擛 kah ná 風車 ê 驚惶, kap 伊摔落地 ê 身軀. 新聞 ê 播送隨跳去發現飛行方程式 ê hiah-ê 數學家. In 拄著記者, tī party nih, tī 接囡仔 ê 高級烏頭仔車 nih, tī 渡假當中, hông 眼著大部份觀眾所生份 ê 奢華, 觀眾定著感覺心適, 毋管是 in 礙虐 ê 表情, 抑是 ùi in he 食飽飽, 毋知啥是配給 ê 喙所 chòaⁿ 出來 ê 辯護言論. 

干焦譴責數學家, 顛倒無譴責 "公式," Martina Furcal 和 "中心" 創造一个大捲螺仔風, 掃去 hiah-ê 所謂袂跋倒 ê 科學家遐, án-ne 來保護著姻家族 ê 遺產. Mā 顧牢家族 ê 錢. 凡勢這根本毋是一个歹步.

Nneoma 切換頻道跳 leh 看, koh 注意聽. 如果有關 Furcal ê 公式開始崩隙 ê 謠言得著吸引, án-ne 就總會滲透到 2,400 个親像她這款 ê 數學家, chiah-ê tī 全球範圍, 靠計算和消除情緒趁食 ê 人 ê 工課, 是 ùi 活人吸情緒, 就若像 ùi 空喙吸毒素 án-ne. 

她是專門計算悲傷 ê 57 位註冊數學家之一, 比舊年 ê 59 位較少. Australia 人 Alvin Claspell, 聽講伊先起痟, 欲食家己, 後來自殺 ah. 這種頭路毋是通人會. 又閣, Kioni Mutahi 無代無誌失蹤, 予 New Kenya 干焦賰一个計算悲傷 ê 專家.

Nneoma 今蹛 ê Biafra-Britannia 聯邦有 6 位悲傷專家, tī 這个悲傷集中 ê 所在有上濟 ê 悲傷專家. 是 ah, mā 是有錢人上集中 ê 所在.

仝款 ê 鏡頭一擺 koh 一擺. Nneoma kā 電視關掉. 著等到 hiah-ê 飛行者覺醒 koh 責備跋落 ê 人是因為計算錯誤, 這種譀古代才有可能結束. "尻川崁密, 毋通假 gâu," 北美洲有這種講法, 毋過今 ê 北美已經無啥人通 án-ne 講 ah.

手機仔出現有一條短信, Nneoma 急急 kā 揤來看, 然後歹勢家己是 teh 急啥, 然後閣較歹勢, 因為彼毋但 kap Kioni 無關係, 不過是她 ê 助手提醒她, 明仔載 tī 學校有一場演講. 她 kā 短信刣掉 -- 當然她會記得 -- 又閣感覺懊惱. 她又閣想起, 著挕捒這个少年查某. 毋過, 有時陣你需要有助手, 親像講, 恁女朋友 kō͘ 當初由她主動和你交陪仝款好禮 koh 冷淡 ê 態度和你結束關係, 予你著 tī 一禮拜 nih 整理 koh 搬徙三年 ê 糞埽. 這時, 助手就真好用. 毋過彼是 8 禮拜以前 ê 代誌, Nneoma 已經好勢 ah. 真 ê, 她無代誌 ah.

她收好文件, 揤鈴仔叫車, 車隨就來到玻璃門前. Amadi chiah-nī 準時, 總是 án-ne, 甚至 tī 她猶是囡仔 ê 時就 án-ne. 姻老母 bat kā 講, 她會當 tī 落樓梯 ê 時叫 Amadi, 等她開門, 伊會已經 tī 遐等. Mama 已經無 tī leh, 老爸規个歹去, 毋捌 koh 離開厝. Amadi 一直聽老爸 ê 差使, 等她 ùi New Kenya 轉來, 老爸 kā 伊送予她, 若像送一籃高級 chhiz án-ne. 她接受這个司機, 照她對老爸 ê 了解, 這是一个和平 ê 獻禮. 雖罔 in ê 關係永遠袂 koh 仝款, 毋過她猶是每隔一禮拜就 tī 禮拜日敲電話予老爸.

她吩咐 Amadi 先去商店. 車順 Enugu 寬闊 ê 街路駛, 經過一个校埕, 滿滿是流汗 ê 白蔥蔥 ê 囡仔. 毋是 Nneoma 對英國人有啥意見, 是因為她受著老爸 ê 影響. 老爸上嚴厲 ê 時, 叫 in 難民, 毋是國民, 伊 tī 朋友界中間早就無受歡迎.

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1.

It means twenty-four hour news coverage. It means politicians doing damage control; activists egging on protests. It means Francisco Furcal’s granddaughter at a press conference defending her family legacy. 

“My grandfather's formula is sound. Math is constant and absolute. Any problems that arise are the fault of those who miscalculate it.”

Bad move, lady. This could only put everyone on the defensive, trotting out their transcripts and test results and every other thing that proved their genius. Nneoma tried to think of where she’d put her own documents after the move, but that led to thinking of where she’d moved from,  which led to thinking of whom she left behind.

Best not to venture there. Best instead to concentrate on the shaky footage captured by a security camera. The motion-activated device had caught the last fifty feet of the man’s fall, the windmill panic of flailing arms, the spread of his body on the ground. The newscast then jumped to the Mathematicians who had discovered the equation for flight. They were being ambushed at parties, while picking up their children in their sleek black cars, on their vacations, giving a glimpse of luxury that was foreign to the majority of the viewing public, who must have enjoyed the embarrassed faces and defensive outbursts from well-fed mouths that knew nothing of rations. 

By blaming the Mathematicians instead of the Formula, Martina Furcal and The Center created a maelstrom around these supposedly infallible scientists and protected her family's legacy. And their money. Maybe not such a bad move after all. 

Nneoma flipped through the channels, listening closely. If the rumor that Furcal’s Formula was beginning to unravel around the edges gained any traction, it would eventually trickle down to the 2,400 Mathematicians like her who worked the globe and made their living calculating and subtracting emotions, drawing them from living bodies like poison from a wound. 

She was one of the fifty-seven registered Mathematicians who specialized in calculating grief, down from the fifty-nine of last year. Alvin Claspell, the Australian, had committed suicide after, if the stories were to be believed, going mad and trying to eat himself. This work wasn't for everyone. And of course Kioni Mutahi had simply disappeared, leaving New Kenya with only one grief worker. 

There were six grief workers in the Biafra-Britannia Alliance, where Nneoma now lived, the largest concentration of grief workers in any province to serve the largest concentration of the grieving. Well, the largest concentration that could pay.

It was the same footage over and over. Nneoma offed the unit. The brouhaha would last only as long as the flight guys took to wise up and blame the fallen man for miscalculating. “Cover your ass,” as the North American saying went, though there wasn’t much of that continent left to speak it. 

A message dinged on the phone console and Nneoma hurried to press it, eager, then embarrassed at her eagerness, then further embarrassed when it wasn’t even Kioni, just her assistant reminding her of the lecture she was to give at the school. She deleted it—of course she remembered—and became annoyed. She thought, again, of getting rid of the young woman. But sometimes you needed an assistant, such as when your girlfriend ends your relationship with the same polite coolness that she initiated it, leaving you to pack and relocate three years’ worth of shit in one week. Assistants came in handy then. But that was eight weeks ago and Nneoma was over it. Really, she was.

She gathered her papers and rang the car, which pulled up to the glass doors almost immediately. Amadi was timely like that, always been, even when she was a child. Her mother used to say that she could call Amadi on her way down the stairs and open the door to find him waiting. Mama was gone now and her father, who’d become undone, never left the house. Amadi had run Father’s errands until Nneoma moved back from New Kenya, when her father had gifted him to her, like a basket of fine cheese. She’d accepted the driver as what she knew he was, a peace offering. And though it would never be the same between them, she called her father every other Sunday.

She directed Amadi to go to the store first. They drove through the wide streets of Enugu and passed a playground full of sweaty egg-white children. It wasn’t that Nneoma had a problem with the Britons per se, but some of her father had rubbed off on her. At his harshest Father would call them refugees rather than allies and he’d long been unwelcome in polite company. 

- -

9. 那著需要 koh 戀愛?

9. Ná-tio̍h su-iàu koh loân-ài?

Chit-ê tāi-chì liáu-āu chi̍t lé-pài, Gopal koan-chhat, Shaw Tt bô koh chhōa pa̍t-ê cha-po͘-lâng lâi yin chhù. I khì chham-ka bûn-hòa hia̍p-hōe ê lé-pài-ji̍t lí-sū-hōe, tī hia, i kō͘ ùi "Reader’s Digest" tha̍k tio̍h ê chhiò-khoe gô͘-lo̍k hōe-oân. I tī biō-sī chho͘-chhù kà gín-á Hindi-gí. I sái chhia khì pó-ióng. Gopal chò it-chhè chiah-ê tāi-chì. I chia̍h-pn̄g. i khùn. I sīm-chì koh hām Shaw Tt chò chi̍t-kái ài, it-ti̍t kàu yi kiò i lī-khui, i kiò-sī it-chhè lóng koh hó-sè ah.

Āu-lâi, ū chi̍t-àm, Gopal tī saⁿ-tiám gōa, hō͘ chi̍t-tâi ùi Shaw Tt ê chhia-tō chhut-lâi ê chhia phah chhéⁿ. He put-kò sī chi̍t-ê pêng-iú, i án-ne siūⁿ, ná khiā tī khùn-pâng ê thang-á piⁿ, khòaⁿ hit-tâi Toyota chiūⁿ-lō͘ khui cháu. Gopal chhì boeh koh khùn, m̄-koh khùn bē-khì, sui-bóng sim-koaⁿ bô teh te̍k-pia̍t siūⁿ siáⁿ. I ê thâu-khak khang-khang, m̄-koh khùn-sîn bô koh lâi.

Góa m̄ khà tiān-ōe hō͘ yi, thiⁿ-kng ê sî Gopal án-ne siūⁿ. M̄-koh, tng i teh khà tiān-ōe ê sî, i siūⁿ, tī hō-má bōe chhi̍h liáu chìn-chêng, i ē seng kā tiān-ōe kòa tiāu. I thiaⁿ tio̍h hit-thâu ê thiaⁿ-tâng gia̍h khí-lâi, Shaw Tt kóng "Halo." I tiām-tiām bô kóng-ōe. "M̄-thang án-ne chò, Gopal," yi jiû-jiû kóng. "M̄-thang siong-hāi góa."

"Hái," Gopal khin-siaⁿ kóng, siūⁿ boeh hó-hó siong-hāi yi. I kā thâu khò tī chàu-kha ê piah. Khin-siaⁿ kóng ê sî, i ê bīn teh kiù-kin, "Góa chin pháiⁿ-sè."

"M̄-thang án-ne. Góa ài lí. Góa bô-ài siong-hāi lí. Tō-sī án-ne, góa chiah kā lí kóng."

"Góa chai."

"Án-ne hó bô?"

"Hó." In tiām-tiām chin kú. Jiân-āu Gopal kòa tiān-ōe. I hòⁿ-kî, yi kám ē khà tò-tńg lâi. I teh tán, tán bô, i khai-sí tī goân-tē thiàu khí thiàu lo̍h.

Koh-lâi hit kúi lé-pài, Gopal chīn-liōng kiám-chió tī chhù nih ê sî-kan. I khì tô͘-su-koán tha̍k chá-sî ê pò-chóa, jiân-āu tī chi̍t-keng sió chhan-koán chia̍h-tàu, koh tńg khì tô͘-su-koán. Lé-pài-ji̍t, i kui-kang lóng tī siong-tiûⁿ. I tùi Shaw Tt ê khì chin kín tō siau-khì ah, in-ūi i jīn-ûi, yi ê lī-khui tio̍h koài i ka-tī. Put-jî-kò, Gopal kè-sio̍k tô-phiah tńg chhù, in-ūi i bô-ài keng-giām hit-chióng hō͘ i kui-mê khùn bē-khì ê oàn-tò͘. Kan-ta tán i chiok àm tńg lâi, koh chiok thiám, i chiah khùn ē-khì. Àm-thâu ê sî, Gopal khì biō-sī tàu kha-chhiú 7-tiám pài-sîn ê gî-sek, a̍h sī pài-hóng chi̍t-ê i sin se̍k-sāi ê pêng-iú. M̄-koh, kòe bô kúi lé-pài, i kā se̍k-sāi lâng ê hó-sim bôa chīn, koh hām bó͘-lâng ê bó͘ khí cheng-chip, i tō put-tek-í tńg chhù.

Tiàm-chhù ê thâu kúi-àm, Gopal jīn-ûi i ē tī choa̍t-bōng tiong koh tô-lī ka-tī ê chhù. I khùn bē chū-chāi, thang-á gōa sió-khóa ê si-sa siaⁿ tō hō͘ i chhéⁿ lâi, kiò sī ū chhia ùi Shaw Tt ê chhia-tō chhut-lâi. Ji̍t-sî pí àm-sî khah hó kòe, iû-kî sī Shaw Tt chhut-khì siōng-pan ê sî. Gopal tī àm-sî khùn kúi tiám-cheng, jiân-āu tī ji̍t-sî tuh-ku, m̄-koh án-ne hō͘ i chin thiám, thâu-hîn ba̍k-àm. E-po͘-sî, i kah-ì chē tī mn̂g-kháu ê khám-á tha̍k pò-chóa, ū-sî tō thêng lo̍h-lâi khòaⁿ yi ê chhù. I kah-ì khòaⁿ ji̍t-kng peh chiūⁿ yi ê piah. Ū sî-chūn, yi hā-pan sái-chhia tńg lâi ê sî, i tú-hó chē tī gōa-kháu. Ū chi̍t/nn̄g kái, Shaw Tt kā i ia̍t-chhiú, m̄-koh i bô hoán-èng, m̄-sī in-ūi siū-khì, sī in-ūi i kám-kak ka-tī khòaⁿ tio̍h yi tō giān-giān, bē ia̍t-chhiú, mā bē bî-chhiò.

In hun-chhiú chi̍t kò pòaⁿ goe̍h liáu, Gopal nā siūⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt ê chhia-tō ū nn̄g-tâi chhia, àm-sî i iáu-sī khùn bē-khì. Chi̍t-kái, keng-kòe kúi-ā mê bô-bîn, i kàu pòaⁿ-mê saⁿ-tiám iáu sī teh khòaⁿ Shaw Tt ê lí-hêng-chhia āu-bīn hit-ê o͘-iáⁿ. I bô lám bô ne tán tī khùn-pâng ê thang-á piⁿ, iā kiaⁿ iā hi-bāng, teh tán ū chhia keng-kòe Shaw Tt ê chhù, hō͘ chhia-teng chhiō tio̍h hit-ê hêng-iáⁿ. Kú-kú tán bô chhia keng-kòe, Gopal koat-tēng boeh ka-tī khì khòaⁿ-māi.

I khai-sí ku kē-kē tī i ê chháu-tiâⁿ cháu. Khong-khì un-loán, ū ba̍k-nī hoe ê phang-bī, Gopal thiám kah siūⁿ kóng i ē phak-tó tī thô͘-kha. Cháu bô kúi-pō͘, i tō thêng lo̍h-lâi, sin-khu khiā thêng. Thiⁿ chin chheng, ū móa-móa ê thiⁿ-chheⁿ, Gopal kám-kak ná chhiūⁿ i sī tī Indo chng-kha. Iân ke-lō͘ ê chhù àm-àm, kiu-kiu ku tī hia. I siūⁿ, sīm-chì tī Indo, chhim-iā ê chhù khòaⁿ tio̍h mā ná ài-khùn bīn. I siūⁿ khí, tong-chho͘ i lâi kàu chia ê sî, i tùi Bí-kok chhù ê siâ chhù-téng tio̍h chi̍t-kiaⁿ, hō͘ i siūⁿ boeh tńg-khì Indo, tī hia i ē-tàng khùn tī chhù-téng. I koh kiâⁿ kòe chháu-tiâⁿ. Gopal bān-bān kiâⁿ, i kám-kak ka-tī ká-ná kiâⁿ kòe chin hn̄g ê kī-lī.

Hit-tâi lí-hêng-chhia kū-àu kū-chhàu, ko͘-toaⁿ khiā tī hia, sió-khóa ū gasolín kap ji̍t-sî sio-tō͘ ê khì-bī. Gopal àⁿ hiòng i ê enjín kòa. Lí-hêng-chhia chin lāu-kū ah, i ê lí-têng-pió í-keng cháu oân chi̍t-lûn. I tō ná chhiūⁿ góa, i siūⁿ, mā chhiūⁿ Helen. Goán tō-sī seⁿ-chò án-ne -- khā eng-ia, àu-kó͘, hō͘ lō͘-tô͘ kho̍k kah li-li liap-liap, nn̄g-lia̍p m̄ jīn-su ê sim iáu tī lāi-bīn chùn-tāng. Eng-ia, àu-kó͘, lap-o hām m̄ jīn-su ê sim chō-sêng chit-chūn ê goán. I hòⁿ-kî, goán ná tio̍h su-iàu jīm-hô mi̍h koh loân-ài? Goán ha̍k-si̍p, kái-piàn, chiâⁿ-chò khah hó. I khò tī hit-tâi chhia chi̍t/nn̄g hun-cheng. Hóe-kim-ko͘ tī bî-hong nih siám-sih, phiau-tāng. Jiân-āu i kiâⁿ tńg chhù.

Gopal chin chá tō chhéⁿ, sé sin-khu, khau chhùi-chhiu, khoán chá-tǹg. Chia̍h-pá liáu, i sé-chhùi, bong i ê chhùi-phé, khsòaⁿ kám tio̍h koh siu-bīn, chit-pái tio̍h khau tò-hiòng. Káu tiám, i kiâⁿ-kòe i ê chháu-tiâⁿ, lâi chhi̍h Shaw Tt ê mn̂g-lêng. I chhi̍h kúi-ā kái chiah thiaⁿ tio̍h yi ê kha-pō͘ siaⁿ. Tán yi khui-mn̂g, khòaⁿ tio̍h i ê sî, Shaw Tt tò-thè chi̍t-pō͘, bē-su khì hō͘ kiaⁿ tio̍h. Gopal kám-kak sim-thiàⁿ, yi ná ē jīn-ûi i khó-lêng siong-hāi yi. "Góa ē-tàng ji̍p-lâi bô?" i mn̄g. Yi kim-kim lia̍h i khòaⁿ. I khòaⁿ tio̍h yi ê ba̍k-chiu ē ū ba̍k-mo͘ ko ê hûn-jiah, âng-thâu-mo͘ í-keng phùn pe̍h-si. I jīn-ûi, i m̄-bat khòaⁿ tio̍h chiah súi, chiah ióng-kám ê cha-bó͘. 

(Soah)

- -

9. 那著需要 koh 戀愛?

這个代誌了後一禮拜, Gopal 觀察, Shaw Tt 無 koh chhōa 別个查埔人來姻厝. 伊去參加文化協會 ê 禮拜日理事會, tī 遐, 伊 kō͘ ùi "Reader’s Digest" 讀著 ê 笑詼娛樂會員. 伊 tī 廟寺初次教囡仔 Hindi 語. 伊駛車去保養. Gopal 做一切 chiah-ê 代誌. 伊食飯. 伊睏. 伊甚至 koh 和 Shaw Tt 做一改愛, 一直到她叫伊離開, 伊叫是一切攏 koh 好勢 ah.

後來, 有一暗, Gopal tī 三點外, 予一台 ùi Shaw Tt ê 車道出來 ê 車拍醒. 彼不過是一个朋友, 伊 án-ne 想, ná 徛 tī 睏房 ê 窗仔邊, 看彼台 Toyota 上路開走. Gopal 試欲 koh 睏, 毋過睏袂去, 雖罔心肝無 teh 特別想啥. 伊 ê 頭殼空空, 毋過睏神無閣來.

我毋敲電話予她, 天光 ê 時 Gopal án-ne 想. 毋過, 當伊 teh 敲電話 ê 時, 伊想, tī 號碼未揤了進前, 伊會先 kā 電話掛掉. 伊聽著彼頭 ê 聽筒攑起來, Shaw Tt 講 "Halo." 伊恬恬無講話. "毋通 án-ne 做, Gopal," 她柔柔講. "毋通傷害我."

"Hái," Gopal 輕聲講, 想欲好好傷害她. 伊 kā 頭靠 tī 灶跤 ê 壁. 輕聲講 ê 時, 伊 ê 面 teh 糾筋, "我真歹勢."

"毋通 án-ne. 我愛你. 我無愛傷害你. 就是 án-ne, 我才 kā 你講."

"我知."

"Án-ne 好無?"

"好." In 恬恬真久. 然後 Gopal 掛電話. 伊好奇, 她敢會敲倒轉來. 伊 teh 等, 等無, 伊開始 tī 原地跳起跳落.

閣來彼幾禮拜, Gopal 盡量減少 tī 厝 nih ê 時間. 伊去圖書館讀早時 ê 報紙, 然後 tī 一間小餐館食晝, koh 轉去圖書館. 禮拜日, 伊規工攏 tī 商場. 伊對 Shaw Tt ê 氣真緊 tō 消去 ah, 因為伊認為, 她 ê 離開著怪伊家治. 不而過, Gopal 繼續逃避轉厝, 因為伊無愛經驗彼種予伊規暝睏袂去 ê 怨妒. 干焦等伊足暗轉來, koh 足忝, 伊才睏會去. 暗頭 ê 時, Gopal 去廟寺鬥跤手 7 點拜神 ê 儀式, a̍h 是拜訪一个伊新熟似 ê 朋友. 毋過, 過無幾禮拜, 伊 kā 熟似人 ê 好心磨盡, koh 和某人 ê 某起爭執, 伊 tō 不得已轉厝.

踮厝 ê 頭幾暗, Gopal 認為伊會 tī 絕望中 koh 逃離家治 ê 厝. 伊睏袂自在, 窗仔外小可 ê si-sa 聲 tō 予伊醒來, 叫是有車 ùi Shaw Tt ê 車道出來. 日時比暗時較好過, 尤其是 Shaw Tt 出去上班 ê 時. Gopal tī 暗時睏幾點鐘, 然後 tī日時 tuh-ku, 毋過 án-ne 予伊真忝, 頭眩目暗. 下晡時, 伊佮意坐 tī 門口 ê 坎仔讀報紙, 有時 tō 停落來看她 ê 厝. 伊佮意看日光 peh 上她 ê 壁. 有時陣, 她下班駛車轉來 ê 時, 伊拄好坐 tī 外口. 有一兩改, Shaw Tt kā 伊擛手, 毋過伊無反應, 毋是因為受氣, 是因為伊感覺家治看著她 tō giān-giān, 袂擛手, mā 袂微笑.

In 分手一個半月了, Gopal 若想著 Shaw Tt ê 車道有兩台車, 暗時伊猶是睏袂去. 一改, 經過幾若暝無眠, 伊到半暝三點猶是 teh 看 Shaw Tt ê 旅行車後面彼个烏影. 伊無攬無拈等 tī 睏房 ê 窗仔邊, 也驚也希望, teh 等有車經過 Shaw Tt ê 厝, 予車燈炤著彼个形影. 久久等無車經過, Gopal 決定欲家治去看覓.

伊開始跔低低 tī 伊 ê 草埕走. 空氣溫暖, 有茉莉花 ê 芳味, Gopal 忝甲想講伊會仆倒 tī 塗跤. 走無幾步, 伊 tō 停落來, 身軀徛騰. 天真清, 有滿滿 ê 天星, Gopal 感覺若像伊是 tī Indo 庄跤. 沿街路 ê 厝暗暗, 勼勼 ku tī 遐. 伊想, 甚至 tī Indo, 深夜 ê 厝看著 mā ná 愛睏面. 伊想起, 當初伊來到遮 ê 時, 伊對美國厝 ê 斜厝頂著一驚, 予伊想欲轉去 Indo, tī 遐伊會當睏 tī 厝頂. 伊 koh 行過草埕. Gopal 慢慢行, 伊感覺家治 ká-ná 行過真遠 ê 距離.

彼台旅行車舊漚舊臭, 孤單徛 tī 遐, 小可有 gasolín kap 日時燒度 ê 氣味. Gopal àⁿ 向伊 ê enjín 蓋. 旅行車真老舊 ah, 伊 ê 里程表已經走完一輪. 伊 tō 若像我, 伊想, mā 像 Helen. 阮就是生做 án-ne -- khā 坱埃, 漚古, 予路途硞甲 li-li liap-liap, 兩粒毋認輸 ê 心猶 tī 內面顫動. 坱埃, 漚古, lap-o 和毋認輸 ê 心造成這陣 ê 阮. 伊好奇, 阮那著需要任何物 koh 戀愛? 阮學習, 改變, 成做較好. 伊靠 tī 彼台車一兩分鐘. 火金蛄 tī 微風 nih 閃爍, 飄動. 然後伊行轉厝.

Gopal 真早 tō 醒, 洗身軀, 剾喙鬚, 款早頓. 食飽了, 伊洗喙, 摸伊 ê 喙䫌, 看敢著 koh 修面, 這擺著剾倒向. 九點, 伊行過伊 ê 草埕, 來揤 Shaw Tt ê 門鈴. 伊揤幾若改才聽著她 ê 跤步聲. 等她開門, 看著伊 ê 時, Shaw Tt 倒退一步, 袂輸去予驚著. Gopal 感覺心疼, 她那會認為伊可能傷害她. "我會當入來無?" 伊問. 她金金掠伊看. 伊看著她 ê 目睭下有目毛膏 ê 痕跡, 紅頭毛已經噴白絲. 伊認為, 伊毋捌看著 chiah 媠, chiah 勇敢 ê 查某. 

(煞)

- -

9.

For a week after this Gopal observed that Mrs. Shaw did not bring another man to her house. He went to the Sunday board meeting of the cultural association, where he regaled the members with jokes from Reader's Digest. He taught his first Hindi class to children at the temple. He took his car to be serviced. Gopal did all these things. He ate. He slept. He even made love to Mrs. Shaw once, and until she asked him to leave, he thought everything was all right again.

Then, one night, Gopal was awakened at a little after three by a car pulling out of Mrs. Shaw's driveway. It is just a friend, he thought, standing by his bedroom window and watching the Toyota move down the road. Gopal tried falling asleep again, but he could not, though he was not thinking of anything in particular. His mind was blank, but sleep did not come.

I will not call her, Gopal thought in the morning. And as he was dialing her, he thought he would hang up before all the numbers had been pressed. He heard the receiver being lifted on the other side and Mrs. Shaw saying "Hello." He did not say anything. "Don't do this, Gopal," she said softly. "Don't hurt me."

"Hi," Gopal whispered, wanting very much to hurt her. He leaned his head against the kitchen wall. His face twitched as he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be that way. I love you. I didn't want to hurt you. That's why I told you."

"I know."

"All right?"

"Yes." They were silent for a long time. Then Gopal hung up. He wondered if she would call back. He waited, and when she didn't, he began jumping up and down in place.

FOR the next few weeks Gopal tried to spend as little time as possible in his house. He read the morning papers in the library, and then had lunch at a diner, and then went back to the library. On Sundays he spent all day at the mall. His anger at Mrs. Shaw soon disappeared, because he thought that the blame for her leaving lay with him. Gopal continued, however, to avoid home, because he did not want to experience the jealousy that would keep him awake all night. Only if he arrived late enough and tired enough could he fall asleep. In the evening Gopal either went to the temple and helped at the seven o'clock service or visited one of his new acquaintances. But over the weeks he exhausted the kindheartedness of his acquaintances and had a disagreement with one man's wife, and he was forced to return home.

The first few evenings he spent at home Gopal thought he would have to flee his house in despair. He slept awkwardly, waking at the barest rustle outside his window, thinking that a car was pulling out of Mrs. Shaw's driveway. The days were easier than the nights, especially when Mrs. Shaw was away at work. Gopal would sleep a few hours at night and then nap during the day, but this left him exhausted and dizzy. In the afternoon he liked to sit on the steps and read the paper, pausing occasionally to look at her house. He liked the sun sliding up its walls. Sometimes he was sitting outside when she drove home from work. Mrs. Shaw waved to him once or twice, but he did not respond, not because he was angry but because he felt himself become so still at the sight of her that he could neither wave nor smile.

A month and a half after they separated, Gopal still could not sleep at night if he thought there were two cars in Mrs. Shaw's driveway. Once, after a series of sleepless nights, he was up until three watching a dark shape behind Mrs. Shaw's station wagon. He waited by his bedroom window, paralyzed with fear and hope, for a car to pass in front of her house and strike the shape with its headlights. After a long time in which no car went by, Gopal decided to check for himself.

He started across his lawn crouched over and running. The air was warm and smelled of jasmine, and Gopal was so tired that he thought he might spill to the ground. After a few steps he stopped and straightened up. The sky was clear, and there were so many stars that Gopal felt as if he were in his village in India. The houses along the street were dark and drawn in on themselves. Even in India, he thought, late at night the houses look like sleeping faces. He remembered how surprised he had been by the pitched roofs of American houses when he had first come here, and how this had made him yearn to return to India, where he could sleep on the roof. He started across the lawn again. Gopal walked slowly, and he felt as if he were crossing a great distance.

The station wagon stood battered and alone, smelling faintly of gasoline and the day's heat. Gopal leaned against its hood. The station wagon was so old that the odometer had gone all the way around. Like me, he thought, and like Helen, too. This is who we are, he thought -- dusty, corroded, and dented from our voyages, with our unflagging hearts rattling on inside. We are made who we are by the dust and corrosion and dents and unflagging hearts. Why should we need anything else to fall in love? he wondered. We learn and change and get better. He leaned against the car for a minute or two. Fireflies swung flickering in the breeze. Then he walked home.

Gopal woke early and showered and shaved and made breakfast. He brushed his teeth after eating and felt his cheeks to see whether he should shave again, this time against the grain. At nine he crossed his lawn and rang Mrs. Shaw's doorbell. He had to ring it several times before he heard her footsteps. When she opened the door and saw him, Mrs. Shaw drew back as if she were afraid. Gopal felt sad that she could think he might hurt her. "May I come in?" he asked. She stared at him. He saw mascara stains beneath her eyes and silver strands mingled with her red hair. He thought he had never seen a woman as beautiful or as gallant.

--

//

The Atlantic Monthly; January, 1997; Cosmopolitan; Volume 279, No. 1; pages 62 - 73.

8. 我愛你, 毋過無愛著你

8. Góa ài lí, m̄-koh bô ài-tio̍h lí

Shaw Tt tī i bōe khok-mn̂g chìn-chêng tō khui-mn̂g. Ū chi̍t-khùn, Gopal siáⁿ to bô kóng. Yi chhēng phah-thih-á kûn, hām chi̍t-niá bô-ńg ê pe̍h siatchuh. Yi tùi i bî-chhiò. Gopal hn̄g-hn̄g tō sīn-tiōng khui-chhùi. "Góa ài lí," i chho͘-chhù án-ne kā kóng. "Chin pháiⁿ-sè, góa bô iau-chhiáⁿ lí khì chham-ka tián-lám-hōe." I tán chi̍t-ē, hō͘ ōe tîm chi̍t-ē, tán yi kō͘ kāng-khoán ê chhin-jia̍t kā i ìn. Tán bô yi ê hôe-èng, i koh kóng chi̍t-piàn, "Góa ài lí."

Jiân-āu yi kóng, "To-siā lí," koh kiò i bián kòa-ì tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì. Yi chhiáⁿ i ji̍p-khì. Gopal siūⁿ bô yi ná-ē hiah tiām, soah kám-kak kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. I khai-sí tùi ka-tī ê thán-pe̍k kám-kak bē chū-chāi. In kán-té sio-chim chi̍t-ē, liáu-āu Gopal tō tńg-chhù.

Keh-kang àm-sî, in tī i ê kheh-thiaⁿ khòaⁿ tiān-sī ê sî, Shaw Tt hut-jiân oa̍t hiòng i, kóng, "Lí chin-chiàⁿ ū ài góa, kám m̄-sī?" Sui-bóng Gopal ū liāu tio̍h chit-ê būn-tê, chi̍t-sî i iáu-sī kám-kak put-an, in-ūi che hō͘ i hòⁿ-kî, ài tàu-té sī siáⁿ, i kám ū lêng-le̍k khì ài. M̄-koh, i kám-kak taⁿ m̄-sī gī-lūn gí-ì ê sî-chūn. Tī kú-kú tán chi̍t-khùn, piáu-sī i hām ka-tī ê jio̍k-tiám teh chhia-piàⁿ liáu-āu, Gopal kóng: sī, koh teh tán Shaw Tt ê hôe-èng. Koh chi̍t-kái, yi bô piáu-sī yi ê ài. Yi khin-jiû chim i ê hia̍h-thâu. Chit-chióng kám-chêng ê piáu-hiān hō͘ Gopal siū-khì, m̄-koh i bô kóng siáⁿ. M̄-koh tán Shaw Tt hit-àm lī-khui ê sî, Gopal iáu-sī chin hoaⁿ-hí.

Keh-kang, Gopal teh tán Shaw Tt hā-pan tńg-lâi. I í-keng koat-tēng, siang-lâng ê koan-hē í-keng lâi kàu chi̍t-ê khám-chām. Khòaⁿ tio̍h yi mo͘h chi̍t-tē chi̍t-tē ê ji̍t-iōng-phín sin-khó͘ kiâⁿ kàu mn̂g-kháu ê sî, Gopal tō khà tiān-ōe. I khiā tī i ê mn̂g-kháu kha-khám, ōe-tâng ê sòaⁿ phoa̍h tī chi̍t-pêng keng-thâu, ná teh khòaⁿ yin chhù hām yi hit-tâi seⁿ-sian koh khòaⁿ khí-lâi chin thiám ê lí-hêng chhia, che hō͘ i kiông-lia̍t koh jia̍t-lia̍t liân-siūⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt ê hái-phài seng-oa̍h. Tī yi gia̍h-khí tiān-ōe ê sî, Gopal hiám-á tō kóng, "Góa su-liām lí," m̄-koh i soah pháiⁿ-sè, kan-ta kóng, "Lí kin-á-ji̍t kòe liáu án-chóaⁿ?"

"Bē-bái," yi kóng, Gopal sióng-siōng yi tī chàu-kha teh bô-êng, siu-si̍p tú-chiah bé ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, khǹg tê-kó͘ tī lô͘-á téng, tī chàu-kha toh-á chéng-lí yi ê phe-sìn. Chit-chióng kò͘-ke kap to̍k-li̍p ê ìn-siōng hō͘ i chhim-chhim kám-tōng. "Ū chi̍t-ê hú-tō-oân tio̍h gâm í-keng chin siong-tiōng ah," yi kóng, "in pêng-iú boeh ūi i pān chi̍t-ê party, só͘-í in kòa chi̍t-ki pâi-á, téng-bīn siá ‘Taⁿ sûi kià-hù lâi hôe-ho̍k! Henry kip boeh chham-ka chit-ê party!’" Gopal hām Shaw Tt lóng chhiò chhut-lâi. 

"Lán lâi chò kóa siáⁿ," i kóng.

"Siáⁿ-mi̍h?"

Gopal iáu-bōe siūⁿ kàu hia. I siūⁿ boeh chò romantik ê tāi-chì, thang î-chhî kàu boeh khùn ê sî, án-ne i ē-tàng pek yi lâu lo̍h-lâi kòe-mê. "Lí boeh chia̍h-àm bô?"

"Tong-jiân," yi kóng. Gopal chin hoaⁿ-hí. Kúi-kang chêng, i ū khì sio-chiú tiàm bé chiú, hó-tit ū ki-hōe ê sî, thang kā Shaw Tt koàn-chùi, hō͘ yi khùn tī i ê sin-piⁿ. 

In ná teh chia̍h i chú ê Italia píⁿ-mī (linguine) ê sî, Gopal chi̍t-lō͘ kā Shaw Tt koàn chiú. In chē tī chàu-kha, m̄-koh i koaiⁿ-tiāu ji̍t-kong-teng, tiám la̍h-chek. Lim kàu tē-saⁿ poe ê sî, Gopal kám-kak chin chāi-táⁿ; i kā chhiú chhun kàu yi ê tōa-thúi lāi-té bīn.

"Goán lāu-bú hām lāu-pē," chia̍h kàu chi̍t-pòaⁿ ê sî, Shaw Tt kóng, kō͘ chhiám-á kí hiòng i, sī hit-chióng chiú-chùi ê lâng ûn-ûn-á ê kháu-khì, "hō͘ góa siong-sìn, lâng bô eng-kai tn̂g-kî tòa chò-hóe." Yi án-ne kóng, sī teh hôe-èng tú-chiah Gopal ê àm-sī, kóng, tio̍h chò-hóe seng-oa̍h, lâng chiah ē-tàng chin-chiàⁿ hō͘-siong liáu-kái. "Nā hiah-nī liáu-kái chi̍t-ê lâng, lí tiāⁿ-tio̍h ē sit-bōng."

"Hoān-sè he sī in-ūi lí bô tú-tio̍h ha̍p-sek ê lâng." Gopal ìn, kám-kak pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè, tī siūⁿ boeh piáu-hiān ka-tī chhùi-jio̍k ê sî, soah kóng-chhut chit-chióng khó-lêng hō͘ lâng kám-kak sáng-sè ê ōe. 

"Góa bô jīn-ûi ē ū ha̍p-sek ê lâng. Tùi góa lâi kóng, bô. Boeh tūi-lo̍h ài-hô, góa siūⁿ, lí bē-sái ū jīm-hô hoâi-gî, góa siūⁿ, he góa chò bē-kàu."

Gopal hòⁿ-kî, Shaw Tt kám chin-chiàⁿ siong-sìn yi só͘ kóng ê, a̍h sī kiaⁿ thàu-lāu bô tùi i ê ài, ē siong-hāi tio̍h i, chiah án-ne kóng. I thêng lo̍h-lâi, bô koh chia̍h.

Shaw Tt kim-kim khòaⁿ i. Yi khǹg lo̍h chhiám-á, kóng, "Góa ài lí. Góa ài lí tùi góa ê koan-sim hām lí ê un-jiû."

Gopal chhùi gi chi̍t-ē. I siūⁿ, hoān-sè yi hit-kù ōe ê thâu-chêng pō͘-hūn sī chi̍t-ê piáu-pe̍k ê chîan-chàu, in-ūi i sī hiah-nī tiōng-iàu, yi khéng kā i tòng-chò lē-gōa. "Góa mā ài lí," Gopal kóng. "Góa ài lí ê khoe-hâi, chhong-bêng, kap láu-si̍t. Lí si̍t-chāi ū-kàu súi." I sió-khóa àⁿ-sin, àm-sī boeh chim yi, m̄-koh Shaw Tt bô hoán-èng.

Yi ê bīn ngē-chiaⁿ. "Góa ài lí," yi koh kóng, Gopal soah khai-sí kín-tiuⁿ. "M̄-koh, góa pēng bô ài-tio̍h lí." Yi thêng lo̍h-lâi, kim-kim khòaⁿ Gopal.

Gopal kám-kak bū sà-sà. "Ū siáⁿ chha-pia̍t ah?"

"Teh loân-ài ê sî, lí bē khó-lī ka-tī, in-ūi lí oân-choân teh ài tùi-hong. Góa oa̍h siuⁿ kú ah, bô jīn-ûi ū lâng hiah-nī oân-bí." Gopal iáu sī bē bêng-pe̍k hit-ê chha-pia̍t, m̄-koh i pháiⁿ-sè koh mn̄g. I ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn án-ne siūⁿ, i kóaⁿ-cháu bó͘-kiáⁿ hō͘ Sîn án-ne kā chhú-hoa̍t, án-ne sī kong-pêng ê. Ná khó-lêng ū lâng ē ài i neh?

Shaw Tt kā i ê chhiú tēⁿ tī yi ê chhiú nih. "Góa siūⁿ, lán siang-lâng tio̍h hō͘-siong sió hioh-khùn chi̍t-ē, án-ne góa chiah bē hoe khì. Hām lí chò-hóe, góa mā lú lâi lú hoe. Lán lóng tio̍h koh chhōe pa̍t-lâng."

"Oh," Gopal sim-koaⁿ chiâⁿ thiàⁿ, sui-bóng i chai-iáⁿ teh hoat-seng ê tāi-chì sī ha̍p tī chèng-gī.

"Góa bô boeh ún-môa siáⁿ-mi̍h. Góa ài lí. Góa chin-chiàⁿ ài lí. Lí sī góa m̄-bat tú kòe, siōng siān-liông ê ài-jîn."

"Oh."

- -

8. 我愛你, 毋過無愛著你

Shaw Tt tī 伊未硞門進前 tō 開門. 有一睏, Gopal 啥 to 無講. 她穿拍鐵仔裙, 和一領無䘼 ê 白 siatchuh. 她對伊微笑. Gopal 遠遠 tō 慎重開喙. "我愛你," 伊初次 án-ne kā 講. "真歹勢, 我無邀請你去參加展覽會." 伊等一下, 予話沉一下, 等她 kō͘ 仝款 ê 親熱 kā 伊應. 等無她 ê 回應, 伊閣講一遍, "我愛你."

然後她講, "多謝你," koh 叫伊免掛意展覽會 ê 代誌. 她請伊入去. Gopal 想無她那會 hiah 恬, 煞感覺驚惶. 伊開始對家治 ê 坦白感覺袂自在. In 簡短相唚一下, 了後 Gopal tō 轉厝.

隔工暗時, in tī 伊 ê 客廳看電視 ê 時, Shaw Tt 忽然越向伊, 講, "你真正有愛我, 敢毋是?" 雖罔 Gopal 有料著這个問題, 一時伊猶是感覺不安, 因為這予伊好奇, 愛到底是啥, 伊敢有能力去愛. 毋過, 伊感覺今毋是議論語意 ê 時陣. Tī 久久等一睏, 表示伊和家治 ê 弱點 teh 捙拚了後, Gopal 講: 是, 閣 teh 等 Shaw Tt ê 回應. 閣一改, 她無表示她 ê 愛. 她輕柔唚伊 ê 額頭. 這種感情 ê 表現予 Gopal 受氣, 毋過伊無講啥. 毋過等 Shaw Tt 彼暗離開 ê 時, Gopal 猶是真歡喜.

隔工, Gopal teh 等 Shaw Tt 下班轉來. 伊已經決定, 雙人 ê 關係已經來到一个坎站. 看著她 mo͘h 一袋一袋 ê 日用品辛苦行到門口 ê 時, Gopal tō 敲電話. 伊徛 tī 伊 ê 門口跤坎, 話筒 ê 線袚 tī 一爿肩頭, ná teh 看姻厝和她彼台生鉎 koh 看起來真忝 ê 旅行車, 這予伊強烈 koh 熱烈連想著 Shaw Tt ê 海派生活. Tī 她攑起電話 ê 時, Gopal 險仔 tō 講, "我思念你," 毋過伊煞歹勢, 干焦講, "你今仔日過了按怎?"

"袂䆀," 她講, Gopal 想像她 tī 灶跤 teh 無閒, 收拾拄才買 ê 物件, 囥茶鈷 tī 爐仔頂, tī 灶跤桌仔整理她 ê 批信. 這種顧家 kap 獨立 ê 印象予伊深深感動. "有一个輔導員著癌已經真傷重 ah," 她講, "in 朋友欲為伊辦一个 party, 所以 in 掛一支牌仔, 頂面寫 ‘今隨寄付來回復! Henry 急欲參加這个 party!’" Gopal 和 Shaw Tt 攏笑出來. 

"咱來做寡啥," 伊講.

"啥物?"

Gopal 猶未想到遐. 伊想欲做 romantik ê 代誌, 通維持到欲睏 ê 時, án-ne 伊會當迫她留落來過暝. "你欲食暗無?"

"當然," 她講. Gopal 真歡喜. 幾工前, 伊有去燒酒店買酒, 好得有機會 ê 時, 通 kā Shaw Tt 灌醉, 予她睏 tī 伊 ê 身邊. 

In ná teh 食伊煮 ê Italia 扁麵 (linguine) ê 時, Gopal 一路 kā Shaw Tt 灌酒. In 坐 tī 灶跤, 毋過伊關掉日光燈, 點蠟燭. 啉到第三杯 ê 時, Gopal 感覺真在膽; 伊 kā 手伸到她 ê 大腿內底面.

"阮老母和老爸," 食到一半 ê 時, Shaw Tt 講, kō͘ 攕仔指向伊, 是彼種酒醉 ê 人勻勻仔 ê 口氣, "予我相信, 人無應該長期蹛做伙." 她 án-ne 講, 是 teh 回應拄才 Gopal ê 暗示, 講, 著做伙生活, 人才會當真正互相了解. "若 hiah-nī 了解一个人, 你定著會失望."

"凡勢彼是因為你無拄著合適 ê 人." Gopal 應, 感覺歹勢歹勢, tī 想欲表現家治脆弱 ê 時, 煞講出這種可能予人感覺聳勢 ê 話. 

"我無認為會有合適 ê 人. 對我來講, 無. 欲墜落愛河, 我想, 你袂使有任何懷疑, 我想, 彼我做袂到."

Gopal 好奇, Shaw Tt 敢真正相信她所講 ê, a̍h 是驚透漏無對伊 ê 愛, 會傷害著伊, 才 án-ne 講. 伊停落來, 無 koh 食.

Shaw Tt 金金看伊. 她囥落攕仔, 講, "我愛你. 我愛你對我 ê 關心和你 ê 溫柔."

Gopal 喙 gi 一下. 伊想, 凡勢她彼句話 ê 頭前部份是一个表白 ê 前奏, 因為伊是 hiah-nī 重要, 她肯 kā 伊當做例外. "我 mā 愛你," Gopal 講. "我愛你 ê 詼諧, 聰明, kap 老實. 你實在有夠媠." 伊小可 àⁿ 身, 暗示欲唚她, 毋過 Shaw Tt 無反應.

她 ê 面硬 chiaⁿ. "我愛你," 她 koh 講, Gopal 煞開始緊張. "毋過, 我並無愛著你." 她停落來, 金金看 Gopal.

Gopal 感覺霧 sà-sà. "有啥差別 ah?"

"Teh 戀愛 ê 時, 你袂考慮家治, 因為你完全 teh 愛對方. 我活 siuⁿ 久 ah, 無認為有人 hiah-nī 完美." Gopal 猶是袂明白彼个差別, 毋過伊歹勢 koh 問. 伊 ê 一部份 án-ne 想, 伊趕走某囝予神 án-ne kā 處罰, án-ne 是公平 ê. Ná 可能有人會愛伊 neh?

Shaw Tt kā 伊 ê 手捏 tī 她 ê 手 nih. "我想, 咱雙人著互相小歇睏一下, án-ne 我才袂花去. 和你做伙, 我 mā lú 來 lú 花. 咱攏著 koh 揣別人."

"Oh," Gopal 心肝誠疼, 雖罔伊知影 teh 發生 ê 代誌是合 tī 正義.

"我無欲隱瞞啥物. 我愛你. 我真正愛你. 你是我毋捌拄過, 上善良 ê 愛人."

"Oh."

- -

8. 

Mrs. Shaw opened the door before he could knock. For a moment Gopal did not say anything. She was wearing a denim skirt and a sleeveless white shirt. She smiled at him. Gopal spoke solemnly and from far off. "I love you," he said to her for the first time. "I am sorry I didn't invite you to the fair." He waited a moment for his statement to sink in and for her to respond with a similar endearment. When she did not, he repeated, "I love you."

Then she said, "Thank you," and told him not to worry about the fair. She invited him in. Gopal was confused and flustered by her reticence. He began feeling awkward about his confession. They kissed briefly, and then Gopal went home.

The next night, as they sat together watching TV in his living room, Mrs. Shaw suddenly turned to Gopal and said, "You really do love me, don't you?" Although Gopal had expected the question, he was momentarily disconcerted by it, because it made him wonder what love was and whether he was capable of it. But he did not think that this was the time to quibble over semantics. After being silent long enough to suggest that he was struggling with his vulnerability, Gopal said yes and waited for Mrs. Shaw's response. Again she did not confess her love. She kissed his forehead tenderly. This show of sentiment made Gopal angry, but he said nothing. He was glad, though, when Mrs. Shaw left that night.

The next day Gopal waited for Mrs. Shaw to return home from work. He had decided that the time had come for the next step in their relationship. As soon as he saw her struggle through her doorway, hugging sacks of groceries, Gopal phoned. He stood on the steps to his house, with the extension cord trailing over one shoulder, and looked at her house and at her rusted and exhausted-looking station wagon, which he had begun to associate strongly and warmly with the broad sweep of Mrs. Shaw's life. Gopal nearly said, "I missed you" when she picked up the phone, but he became embarrassed and asked, "How was your day?"

"Fine," she said, and Gopal imagined her moving about the kitchen, putting away whatever she had bought, placing the tea kettle on the stove, and sorting her mail on the kitchen table. This image of domesticity and independence moved him deeply. "There's a guidance counselor who is dying of cancer," she said, "and his friends are having a party for him, and they put up a sign saying 'RSVP with your money now! Henry can't wait for the party!'" Gopal and Mrs. Shaw laughed.

"Let's do something," he said.

"What?"

Gopal had not thought this part out. He wanted to do something romantic that would last until bedtime, so that he could pressure her to spend the night. "Would you like to have dinner?"

"Sure," she said. Gopal was pleased. He had gone to a liquor store a few days earlier and bought wine, just in case he had an opportunity to get Mrs. Shaw drunk and get her to fall asleep beside him.

Gopal plied Mrs. Shaw with wine as they ate the linguine he had cooked. They sat in the kitchen, but he had turned off the fluorescent lights and lit a candle. By the third glass Gopal was feeling very brave; he placed his hand on her inner thigh.

"My mother and father," Mrs. Shaw said halfway through the meal, pointing at him with her fork and speaking with the deliberateness of the drunk, "convinced me that people are not meant to live together for long periods of time." She was speaking in response to Gopal's hint earlier that only over time and through living together could people get to know each other properly. "If you know someone that well, you are bound to be disappointed."

"Maybe that's because you haven't met the right person," Gopal answered, feeling awkward for saying something that could be considered arrogant when he was trying to appear vulnerable.

"I don't think there is a right person. Not for me. To fall in love I think you need a certain suspension of disbelief, which I don't think I am capable of."

Gopal wondered whether Mrs. Shaw believed what she was saying or was trying not to hurt his feelings by revealing that she couldn't love him. He stopped eating.

Mrs. Shaw stared at him. She put her fork down and said, "I love you. I love how you care for me and how gentle you are."

Gopal smiled. Perhaps, he thought, the first part of her statement had been a preface to a confession that he mattered so much that she was willing to make an exception for him. "I love you too," Gopal said. "I love how funny and smart and honest you are. You are very beautiful." He leaned over slightly to suggest that he wanted to kiss her, but Mrs. Shaw did not respond.

Her face was stiff. "I love you," she said again, and Gopal became nervous. "But I am not in love with you." She stopped and stared at Gopal.

Gopal felt confused. "What's the difference?"

"When you are in love, you never think about yourself, because you love the other person so completely. I've lived too long to think anyone is that perfect." Gopal still didn't understand the distinction, but he was too embarrassed to ask more. It was only fair, a part of him thought, that God would punish him this way for driving away his wife and child. How could anyone love him?

Mrs. Shaw took his hands in hers. "I think we should take a little break from each other, so we don't get confused. Being with you, I'm getting confused too. We should see other people."

"Oh." Gopal's chest hurt despite his understanding of the justice of what was happening.

"I don't want to hide anything. I love you. I truly love you. You are the kindest lover I've ever had."

"Oh."

- -

7. 伊參加計畫展覽會 ê 代誌

7. I chham-ka kè-ōe tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì

"Góa ē-tàng tàu-saⁿ-kāng." Gopal kóng. In koat-tēng, nn̄g-kang āu, pài-saⁿ, i tio̍h lâi Ri̍shi in tau.

Gopal tú boeh kòa tiān-ōe, Rishi koh kóng, "Góa ū thiaⁿ tio̍h lín tau ê tāi-chì." Gopal kám-kak ná hông lia̍h tio̍h pe̍h-chha̍t. "Góa kám-kak ûi-hām," Rishi kóng.

Gopal tiām chi̍t-khùn, chiah kóng, "Kám-siā." I m̄-chai, kám tio̍h kek kah chin pi-siong. "Che bān-bān tō ē koàn-sì," i kóng, "m̄-koh, lí ká-ná ùi tó lóng ē-tit kè-sio̍k lo̍h-khì."

Gopal tī hit-ê pài-saⁿ khì khòaⁿ Rishi, kàu lé-pài-ji̍t, i chham-ka lí-sū-hōe, kè-ōe tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì. I kóng chi̍t-bóe kīn-sī ê chôa kap chúi-kóng ê chhiò-khoe, mā kóng chi̍t-ê golf kàu-liān hām Sîn ê chhiò-khoe. Tī hia tú-tio̍h ê chi̍t-ê lâng iau-chhiáⁿ i khì chò-hóe chia̍h-pn̄g.

Put-jî-kò, i ê su-sióng iáu sī hō͘ Shaw Tt só͘ chi-phòe. In lú chò-ài, Gopal lú tîm-chùi tī i chhùi tiong yi ê leng-thâu ê chit-kám hām i chhiú tiong yi ê kha-chhng-táu ê hūn-liōng. I sé shower /siau.à/ ê sî, sái-chhia ê sî, kiáu be̍h-phìⁿ ê sî lóng teh siūⁿ che. Koh-lâi hit kò goe̍h, ū nn̄g/saⁿ kái, tī yi chia̍h-tàu ê sî lâi chiap yi, koh kín-kín tńg chhù chò-ài. In seng chò-ài, koh kau-tâm. Shaw Tt bat tī chi̍t-keng ta-sé-tiàm chia̍h thâu-lō͘, Gopal kám-kak che chiâⁿ chhù-bī. Tī Shaw Tt chìn-chêng, kui sì-lâng i m̄-bat tú kòe tī ta-sé hâng-gia̍p siōng-pan ê lâng, che chiâⁿ bô kán-tan, in-ūi tī Indo, ta-sé ū sian-chìn kho-ki ê bī-le̍k. Chò chi̍t-ê bat tī ta-sé hâng-gia̍p ho̍k-bū ê lâng ê ài-jîn, Gopal kám-kak koài-koài. Che hō͘ i kám-kak sè-kài tōa kah pháiⁿ lí-kái, nā boeh khai sî-kan khòng-chè ka-tī ê sió sè-kài sī bô hāu-lu̍t. Gopal khai-sí siong-sìn, i khì ài tio̍h Shaw Tt ah. I khai-sí thiaⁿ chhia nih hòng-sàng lāu-koa ê tiān-tâi, án-ne i tō ē-tàng thiaⁿ tio̍h yi siàu-liân sî thiaⁿ ê koa.

Shaw Tt ē mn̄g khí i ê seng-oa̍h, Gopal chhì chīn-liōng siông-sè kā kóng yi siūⁿ boeh chai ê it-chhè. Chi̍t-kái, i kā kóng, in chă-kiáⁿ ko-tiong pit-gia̍p ê sî, i khai-sí gōa-nī-á kiaⁿ yi ē ùi i ê seng-oa̍h tiong liu-cháu. Ūi tio̍h piáu-sī tùi yi ê ài, i bú-toàn put-chun yi khì chhu-seh, kóng chhu-seh chin hûi-hiám. I goân-pún hi-bāng yi ē lí-kái chit-ê ku-koài ê î-bîn, m̄-koh yi kan-ta sī siū-khì. Thâu-khí-seng, sī i kā ōe kóng têng-tâⁿ khì, i tō kā Shaw Tt kóng khí chhu-seh ê it-poaⁿ chêng-hêng. Keng-kòe sim-lāi ê kún-ká, i chiah koh kóng chhut i hām Gitu ê oan-ke. Tú khai-sí, Shaw Tt bô kóng siáⁿ. Āu-lâi yi kóng, "Lí kòe-khì bat án-ne, he mā bô iàu-kín, chí-iàu taⁿ lí m̄-sī hit-khoán lâng tō hó." Thiaⁿ yi án-ne kóng, Gopal hut-jiân kám-kak chin khì.

"Lí ná ē án-ne kóng?" i mn̄g.

"Siáⁿ-mi̍h?"

"Ta̍k-kái lí kóng lí ê leng làu-làu a̍h lí ê kha-chhng-táu siuⁿ tōa, góa chóng-sī kóng he m̄-sī án-ne. Góa chóng sī kō͘ hō͘ lí súi ê ba̍k-chiu teh khòaⁿ lí."

"In-ūi góa ài ê sī sū-si̍t," yi kóng, mā chin khì.

Gopal piàn kah chin tiām. Yi boeh ài ê láu-si̍t ká-ná teh hoán-pok i ê iōng-sim kap i it-chài ê chhau-chok. I kám ū chin-chiàⁿ ài tio̍h yi, i siūⁿ boeh chai, a̍h sī chit-ê ài chí-sī chi̍t-chióng phiah-bián ko͘-toaⁿ ê hong-sek? Tō kóng, i só͘ chò ê sī ū ì-sek ê, án-ne kám ū siáⁿ koan-hē?

Indo cheh-ji̍t lú lâi lú óa, i tùi ka-tī ê ài oa̍t-lú hoâi-gî, Gopal hoat-hiān i teh thoa-iân iau-chhiáⁿ Shaw Tt tâng-chê khì. Yi chai-iáⁿ tián-lám-hōe ê tāi-chì, m̄-koh bô piáu-sī yi ê siūⁿ-hoat. Gopal kā ka-tī kóng, tī hiah chē Indo lâng tiong-kan, yi ē bē chū-chāi, m̄-koh i chai, i bô mn̄g yi, sī in-ūi chhōa yi lâi ē hō͘ i kám-kak gāi-gio̍h. I khí kín-tiuⁿ ê bó͘ chi̍t-ê goân-in, sī iú-koan Shaw Tt ê êng-ōe ē thoân kàu in bó͘ hām chă-kiáⁿ hia. I mā hoân-ló hiah-ê kīn-lâi kap i siong-hó ê Indo lâng ē án-nóa siūⁿ. I í-chá bat tī Indo chū-hōe tú kòe ī-cho̍k thong-hun ê ang-bó͘, in siū-tio̍h ê tùi-thāi sī hit-chióng pó-liû hō͘ chiòng-gāi-chiá ê chha-pia̍t. Ká-sú Shaw Tt sio̍k-tī jīm-hô chió-sò͘ cho̍k-kûn -- pí-lūn kóng, tē-it tāi î-bîn -- án-ne tāi-chì hoān-sè ē khah kán-tan. 

Cheh-ji̍t tī Edison Kip-kiù-tūi ê nâ-k-pe̍h kiàn-bu̍t nih kí-hêng. Chi̍t-ê gín-á bú-tō-thoân chhēng khan kim sòaⁿ, ngē-chiaⁿ ê âng-sek saⁿ-á-kûn piáu-ián, chă-gín-á tī konkurí tē-pán tiong-ng sóa-tāng, khòaⁿ tio̍h ná chhiūⁿ teh phiân. Koh ū chi̍t-ê chhēng àm âng-sek phôe-ê, pe̍h-sek se-chong ê thuh-thâu hí-kio̍k ián-oân piáu-ián. Pâi tī chi̍t-bīn piah-piⁿ ê khin-hêng áu-toh bô chāi, téng-bīn khǹg té móa si̍t-bu̍t ê tōa oe, pêⁿ-té oe, hām pôaⁿ-á. Gopal hām kúi-ā ê ùi AT&T thè-hiu ê cha-po͘-lâng khiā tī chi̍t-ê kak-lo̍h, lim kah sió-khóa bâng, put-sî kóng kóa i ùi "1001 Poland Chhiò-khoe" tha̍k tio̍h ê chhiò-ōe. I kā Poland lâng ōaⁿ-chò Sikh lâng, kî-thaⁿ ê tōa pō͘-hūn i bô kái. I tōa siaⁿ chhiò, chin tek-ì ka-tī ē-tàng chiah-nī kan-tan tō chiâⁿ-chò chèng-lâng chù-ì ê tiong-sim, m̄-koh chi̍t-ē siūⁿ tio̍h tī khai-sí ē-sái the̍h si̍t-bu̍t ê sî, sin-piⁿ chiah-ê lâng tō ē sòaⁿ-khui, khì in ê ka-têng hia, lâu i chi̍t-lâng ko͘-toaⁿ pâi-tūi. Thiaⁿ lâng kóng-khí bó͘-lâng ê hun-in liáu, i khai-sí siūⁿ tio̍h Shaw Tt. Cha-po͘ lâng chi̍p chò-hóe, cha-bó͘ lâng sì-sòaⁿ teh khai-káng. In chiong ē tńg-chhù, chò-ài, bô kóng-ōe, Gopal án-ne siūⁿ. Hit-sî i kám-kak pi-ai koh kiaⁿ-hiâⁿ. Ūi tio̍h pó͘-siông i bô chhōa Shaw Tt lâi ê chōe-kò, i tùi chi̍t-ê n̂g chhùi-khí ê hô͘-chhiu cha-po͘ kóng, "Sikh lâng bô teh bái. In sī Indo siōng chhong-bêng ê lâng, bô lâng ē pí-tit Sikh lâng ê ióng-khì." Jiân-āu Gopal kám-kak bâng-bâng, chún-pī boeh lī-khui.

Tán Gopal kā chhia sái tńg kàu i ê chhia-tō ê sî, í-keng thiⁿ boeh àm ah. I ê thâu kám-kak chēng kah koài-koài, ta̍k-kái chiú-cheng khai-sí siau-khì ê sî chóng-sī án-ne, m̄-koh Gopal chai-iáⁿ i chùi kah ū khó-lêng chò gōng sū. I kā chhia thêng hó, kiâⁿ hiòng óng Shaw Tt yin tau ê lō͘. I hòⁿ-kî, yi kám ū tī chhù. Chhián-sek ê ut-kim-hiong se-se khui chi̍t-pâi tī yi ê mn̂g-kháu. Khòaⁿ tio̍h hoe, hō͘ i kám-kak ū hi-bāng. 

- -

7. 伊參加計畫展覽會 ê 代誌

"我會當鬥相共." Gopal 講. In 決定, 兩工後, 拜三, 伊著來 Ri̍shi in 兜.

Gopal 拄欲掛電話, Rishi koh 講, "我有聽著恁兜 ê 代誌." Gopal 感覺 ná hông 掠著白賊. "我感覺遺憾," Rishi 講.

Gopal 恬一睏, 才講, "感謝." 伊毋知, 敢著激甲真悲傷. "這慢慢就會慣勢," 伊講, "毋過, 你 ká-ná ùi 佗攏會得繼續落去."

Gopal tī 彼个拜三去看 Rishi, 到禮拜日, 伊參加理事會, 計畫展覽會 ê 代誌. 伊講一尾近視 ê 蛇 kap 水管 ê 笑詼, mā 講一个 golf 教練和神 ê 笑詼. Tī 遐拄著 ê 一个人邀請伊去做伙食飯.

不而過, 伊 ê 思想猶是予 Shaw Tt 所支配. In 愈做愛, Gopal 愈沉醉 tī 伊喙中她 ê 奶頭 ê 質感和伊手中她 ê 尻川斗 ê 份量. 伊洗 shower /siau.à/ ê 時, 駛車 ê 時, 攪麥片 ê 時攏 teh 想這. 閣來彼個月, 有兩三改, tī 她食晝 ê 時來接她, koh 緊緊轉厝做愛. In 先做愛, koh 交談. Shaw Tt 捌 tī 一間焦洗店食頭路, Gopal 感覺這誠趣味. Tī Shaw Tt 進前, 規世人伊毋捌拄過 tī 焦洗行業上班 ê 人, 這誠無簡單, 因為 tī Indo, 焦洗有先進科技 ê 魅力. 做一个捌 tī 焦洗行業服務 ê 人 ê 愛人, Gopal 感覺怪怪. 這予伊感覺世界大甲歹理解, 若欲開時間控制家治 ê 小世界是無效率. Gopal 開始相信, 伊去愛著 Shaw Tt ah. 伊開始聽車 nih 放送老歌 ê 電台, án-ne 伊 tō 會當聽著她少年時聽 ê 歌.

Shaw Tt 會問起伊 ê 生活, Gopal 試盡量詳細 kā 講她想欲知 ê 一切. 一改, 伊 kā 講, in chă 囝高中畢業 ê 時, 伊開始 gōa-nī-á 驚她會 ùi 伊 ê 生活中溜走. 為著表示對她 ê 愛, 伊武斷不准她去趨雪, 講趨雪真危險. 伊原本希望她會理解這个龜怪 ê 移民, 毋過她干焦是受氣. 頭起先, 是伊 kā 話講重耽去, 伊 tō kā Shaw Tt 講起趨雪 ê 一般情形. 經過心內 ê 滾絞, 伊才 koh 講出伊和 Gitu ê 冤家. 拄開始, Shaw Tt 無講啥. 後來她講, "你過去捌 án-ne, 彼 mā 無要緊, 只要今你毋是彼款人 tō 好." 聽她 án-ne 講, Gopal 忽然感覺真氣.

"你那會 án-ne 講?" 伊問.

"啥物?"

"逐改你講你 ê 奶 làu-làu a̍h 你 ê 尻川斗 siuⁿ 大, 我總是講彼毋是 án-ne. 我總是 kō͘ 予你媠 ê 目睭 teh 看你."

"因為我愛 ê 是事實," 她講, mā 真氣.

Gopal 變甲真恬. 她欲愛 ê 老實 ká-ná teh 反駁伊 ê 用心 kap 伊一再 ê 操作. 伊敢有真正愛著她, 伊想欲知, a̍h 是這个愛只是一種避免孤單 ê 方式? Tō 講, 伊所做 ê 是有意識 ê, án-ne 敢有啥關係?

Indo 節日愈來愈倚, 伊對家治 ê 愛越愈懷疑, Gopal 發現伊 teh 拖延邀請 Shaw Tt 同齊去. 她知影展覽會 ê 代誌, 毋過無表示她 ê 想法. Gopal kā 家治講, tī hiah 濟 Indo 人中間, 她會袂自在, 毋過伊知, 伊無問她, 是因為 chhōa 她來會予伊感覺礙虐. 伊起緊張 ê 某一个原因, 是有關 Shaw Tt ê 閒話會傳到 in 某和 chă 囝遐. 伊 mā 煩惱 hiah-ê 近來 kap 伊相好 ê Indo 人會按怎想. 伊以早捌 tī Indo 聚會拄過異族通婚 ê 翁某, in 受著 ê 對待是彼種保留予障礙者 ê 差別. 假使 Shaw Tt 屬 tī 任何少數族群 -- 比論講, 第一代移民 -- án-ne 代誌凡勢會較簡單. 

節日 tī Edison 急救隊 ê 藍 k 白建物 nih 舉行. 一个囡仔舞蹈團穿牽金線, 硬 chiaⁿ ê 紅色衫仔裙表演, chă 囡仔 tī konkurí 地板中央徙動, 看著若像 teh 蹁. Koh 有一个穿暗紅色皮鞋, 白色西裝 ê 禿頭喜劇演員表演. 排 tī 一面壁邊 ê 輕型拗桌無在, 頂面囥貯滿食物 ê 大鍋, 平底鍋, 和盤仔. Gopal 和幾若个 ùi AT&T 退休 ê 查埔人徛 tī 一个角落, 啉甲小可茫, 不時講寡伊 ùi "1001 Poland 笑詼" 讀著 ê 笑話. 伊 kā Poland 人換做 Sikh 人, 其他 ê 大部份伊無改. 伊大聲笑, 真得意家治會當 chiah-nī 簡單 tō 成做眾人注意 ê 中心, 毋過一下想著 tī 開始會使提食物 ê 時, 身邊 chiah-ê 人 tō 會散開, 去 in ê 家庭遐, 留伊一人孤單排隊. 聽人講起某人 ê 婚姻了, 伊開始想著 Shaw Tt. 查埔人集做伙, 查某人四散 teh 開講. In 將會轉厝, 做愛, 無講話, Gopal án-ne 想. 彼時伊感覺悲哀 koh 驚惶. 為著補償伊無 chhōa Shaw Tt 來 ê 罪過, 伊對一个黃喙齒 ê 鬍鬚查埔講, "Sikh 人無 teh 䆀. In 是 Indo 上聰明 ê 人, 無人會比得 Sikh 人 ê 勇氣." 然後 Gopal 感覺茫茫, 準備欲離開.

等 Gopal kā 車駛轉到伊 ê 車道 ê 時, 已經天欲暗 ah. 伊 ê 頭感覺靜甲怪怪, 逐改酒精開始消去 ê 時總是 án-ne, 毋過 Gopal 知影伊醉甲有可能做戇事. 伊 kā 車停好, 行向往 Shaw Tt 姻兜 ê 路. 伊好奇, 她敢有 tī 厝. 淺色 ê 鬱金香疏疏開一排 tī 她 ê 門口. 看著花, 予伊感覺有希望. 

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7.

"I can help," Gopal said. They decided that he should come to Rishi's house on Wednesday, two days later.

Gopal was about to hang up when Rishi added, "I heard about your family." Gopal felt as if he had been caught in a lie. "I am sorry," Rishi said.

Gopal was quiet for a moment and then said, "Thank you." He did not know whether he should pretend to be sad. "It takes some getting used to," he said, "but you can go on from nearly anything."

Gopal went to see Rishi that Wednesday, and on Sunday he attended a board meeting to plan for the fair. He told jokes about a nearsighted snake and a water hose, and about a golf instructor and God. One of the men he met there invited him to dinner.

Mrs. Shaw, however, continued to dominate his thoughts. The more they made love, the more absorbed Gopal became in the texture of her nipples in his mouth and the heft of her hips in his hands. He thought of this in the shower, while driving, while stirring his cereal. Two or three times over the next month Gopal picked her up during her lunch hour and they hurried home to make love. They would make love and then talk. Mrs. Shaw had once worked at a dry cleaner, and Gopal found this fascinating. He had met only one person in his life before Mrs. Shaw who had worked in a dry-cleaning business, and that was different, because it was in India, where dry cleaning still had the glamour of advancing technology. Being the lover of someone who had worked in a dry-cleaning business made Gopal feel strange. It made him think that the world was huge beyond comprehension, and to spend his time trying to control his own small world was inefficient. Gopal began thinking that he loved Mrs. Shaw. He started listening to the golden-oldies station in the car, so that he could hear what she had heard in her youth.

Mrs. Shaw would ask about his life, and Gopal tried to tell her everything she wanted to know in as much detail as possible. Once, he told her of how he had begun worrying when his daughter was finishing high school that she was going to slip from his life. To show that he loved her, he had arbitrarily forbidden her to ski, claiming that skiing was dangerous. He had hoped that she would find this quaintly immigrant, but she was just angry. At first the words twisted in his mouth, and he spoke to Mrs. Shaw about skiing in general. Only with an effort could he tell her about his fight with Gitu. Mrs. Shaw did not say anything at first. Then she said, "It's all right if you were that way once, as long as you aren't that way now." Listening to her, Gopal suddenly felt angry.

"Why do you talk like this?" he asked.

"What?"

"When you talk about how your breasts fall or how your behind is too wide, I always say that's not true. I always see you with eyes that make you beautiful."

"Because I want the truth," she said, also angry.

Gopal became quiet. Her desire for honesty appeared to refute all his delicate and constant manipulations. Was he actually in love with her, he wondered, or was this love just a way to avoid loneliness? And did it matter that so much of what he did was conscious?

He questioned his love more and more as the day of the Indian festival approached and Gopal realized that he was delaying asking Mrs. Shaw to come with him. She knew about the fair but had not mentioned her feelings. Gopal told himself that she would feel uncomfortable among so many Indians, but he knew that he hadn't asked her because bringing her would make him feel awkward. For some reason he was nervous that word of Mrs. Shaw might get to his wife and daughter. He was also anxious about what the Indians with whom he had recently become friendly would think. He had met mixed couples at Indian parties before, and they were always treated with the deference usually reserved for cripples. If Mrs. Shaw had been of any sort of marginalized ethnic group -- a first-generation immigrant, for instance -- then things might have been easier.

The festival was held in the Edison First Aid Squad's square blue-and-white building. A children's dance troupe performed in red dresses so stiff with gold thread that the girls appeared to hobble as they moved about the center of the concrete floor. A balding comedian in oxblood shoes and a white suit performed. Light folding tables along one wall were precariously laden with large pots, pans, and trays of food. Gopal stood in a corner with several men who had retired from AT&T and, slightly drunk, improvised on jokes he had read in 1,001 Polish Jokes. The Poles became Sikhs, but he kept most of the rest. He was laughing and feeling proud that he could so easily become the center of attention, but he felt lonely at the thought that when the food was served, the men at his side would drift away to join their families and he would stand alone in line. After listening to talk of someone's marriage, he began thinking about Mrs. Shaw. The men were clustered together, and the women conversed separately. They will go home and make love and not talk, Gopal thought. Then he felt sad and frightened. To make amends for his guilt at not bringing Mrs. Shaw along, he told a bearded man with yellow teeth, "These Sikhs aren't so bad. They are the smartest ones in India, and no one can match a Sikh for courage." Then Gopal felt dazed and ready to leave.

WHEN Gopal pulled into his driveway, it was late afternoon. His head felt oddly still, as it always did when alcohol started wearing off, but Gopal knew that he was drunk enough to do something foolish. He parked and walked down the road to Mrs. Shaw's. He wondered if she would be in. Pale tulips bloomed in a thin, uneven row in front of her house. The sight of them made him hopeful.

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6. Gopal 懷疑她敢有愛伊

6. Gopal hoâi-gî yi kám ū ài i

"Lí bîn-á-chài kám boeh chia̍h-àm? Góa lâi chú." In tông-ì la̍k-tiám siong-hōe. Nn̄g-lâng ê tâm-ōe koh kè-sio̍k kúi-ā hun-cheng, tán Gopal kòa tiān-ōe ê sî, i chin tek-ì ka-tī kā tāi-chì chhú-lí kah chiâⁿ hó-sè.

Tó tī chhn̂g boeh khùn chìn-chêng, Gopal koh tha̍k chi̍t-phiⁿ "Cosmopolitan" ê bûn-chiuⁿ, sī iú-koan kang-chok ap-le̍k tùi seks seng-oa̍h ê éng-hióng. I tùi hit nn̄g-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ lóng chin kah-ì, mā hoaⁿ-hí ka-tī ū phah-piàⁿ boeh liáu-kái Shaw Tt. I chhiò gi-gi khùn khì.

Keh-kang, tha̍k liáu pò-chóa í-āu, Gopal cháu khì tô͘-su-koán tha̍k Cosmopolitan hit-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ ê tē-it pō͘-hūn. Kiat-kio̍k, i koh tha̍k ùi Elle, Redbook, Glamour ê chē-chē bûn-chiuⁿ, mā tha̍k chi̍t-phiⁿ Reader’s Digest ê bûn-chiuⁿ -- "Án-nóa chai-iáⁿ lí ê hun-in chhut būn-tê ah." I chhì boeh kì-tiâu "Chhiò sī hó io̍h" choan-nôa lāi-té ê chhiò-khoe, án-ne tī kau-tâm i tō bē léng-tiûⁿ ah.

Gopal tī sì-tiám tńg kàu chhù, tō khai-sí chú-chia̍h. Àm-tǹg chin jû-khoài, sui-bóng tī chàu-kha chia̍h, hia ê ji̍t-kong-teng iāⁿ-iāⁿ sih. Gopal hoân-ló cha-hng ê chò-ài chí-sī hó-ūn. M̄-koh nn̄g-lâng chia̍h-pá bô kú, in í-keng lâi tī phòng-í, hō͘-siong teh liù tùi-hong ê saⁿ-khò͘.

Gopal boeh lâu Shaw Tt kòe-mê, m̄-koh yi kī-choa̍t, kóng, chū-chiông lī-hun, yi m̄-bat tī pa̍t-lâng tau kòe-mê. Thâu khí-seng, Gopal thiaⁿ kah chin kám-tōng. O͘-àm tiong siang-lâng tó tī i ê bîn-chhn̂g. Tâi-teng chō ê sî-cheng hián-sī 9:12 tōa-tōa ê âng jī. "Án-nóa sioh?" Gopal mn̄g, hoan-sin kā chhùi-phé ù tī yi he léng-léng ê keng-kah-thâu. I boeh hō͘ yi chai, i jia̍t-chhiat boeh chai yi ê siūⁿ-hoat.

"Góa siūⁿ, góa sī chiông-it-jî-chiong chú-gī-chiá, góa bô-ài kā tāi-chì pìⁿ kah siuⁿ ho̍k-cha̍p." yi kō͘ tiong-cháiⁿ kā chi̍t-chhok thâu-chang tńg chi̍t-ê kat. "Che pēng m̄-sī in-ūi lí, chhin-ài-ê. Tùi ta̍k-ê cha-po͘ lóng sī án-ne."

 "Oh," Gopal kóng, iáu ū pa̍t-ê cha-po͘ ê kóng-hoat hō͘ i sim-thiàⁿ, tùi yi ê tōng-ki phòa-bia̍t. M̄-koh, i kè-sio̍k siong-sìn, taⁿ in siang-lâng sī chêng-jîn, i ê koan-sim ū-kàu la̍t hō͘ yi kā i ài tò-tńg lâi. Hit-kang tha̍k tio̍h ê chi̍t-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ ū kóng-khí, lâng nā it-ti̍t siū tio̍h koan-sim, lân-bián ē ho͘-siong i-lāi. Só͘-í i pàng sang ka-tī, piáu-hiān kah chin lí-kái.

Gopal tī Shaw Tt lī-khui chi̍t tiám-cheng liáu-āu chiūⁿ-chhn̂g. Boeh khùn chìn-chêng, i khà tiān-ōe hō͘ yi, kā yi kóng àm-an. Chū hit-kang liáu-āu, i chhiâng-chāi khà tiān-ōe hō͘ yi, chi̍t-kang nn̄g/saⁿ kái. Koh-lâi hit kúi lé-pài, Gopal kám-kak ka-tī piàn kah tùi yi pì-sù koh khin-phû. Tī Shaw Tt chiap tiān-ōe ê sî, i kek phi̍ⁿh-phe̍ⁿh chhoán ê siaⁿ, lāng Shaw Tt tōa-chhiò. Yi kah-ì i chit-chióng gín-á khoán. Ū-sî yi pí i heng-chêng bó͘ chi̍t-ê ūi, i tō àⁿ-thâu khòaⁿ, sui-bóng chai-iáⁿ hia siáⁿ to bô, hō͘ yi kho̍k i ê phīⁿ. In teh chò-âi ê sî, yi chin thé-thiap, mn̄g i khah kah-ì án-nóa chò, Gopal ùi chia o̍h tio̍h, mā án-ne mn̄g yi. In chha-put-to ta̍k-kang sio-kìⁿ, sui-bóng ū-sî kan-ta té-té kúi hun-cheng, tī hông-hun a̍h àm-sî. M̄-koh, Gopal tī yi sin-piⁿ, kè-sio̍k ē kám-kak kín-tiuⁿ, bē-su sī i teh chak-chō lâng. Yi nā khà tiān-ōe chhiáⁿ i kòe khì, i chóng-sī kám-kak siū tio̍h pa-kiat. Tán Gopal lú liáu-kái Shaw Tt, i khai-sí jīn-ûi yi chin khiáu. Yi chhiâng-chāi teh tha̍k-chheh, chú-iàu sī le̍k-sú kap keng-chè-ha̍k. Só͘-í, tī yi ut-būn, to-chêng, koh kóng ko͘-toaⁿ bô io̍h i ê sî, i chóng-sī tio̍h chi̍t-kiaⁿ. Gopal kah-ì Shaw Tt tī chit-chióng sim-chêng, án-ne hō͘ i kám-kak pī su-iàu, m̄-koh i iū chin kiàn-siàu, in-ūi ka-tī bô an-choân-kám. Yi nā tùi chi̍t-ê chhiò-ōe bô chhiò, Gopal tō hoâi-gî yi kám ū ài i. In nā chò-hóe tī bîn-chhn̂g, siūⁿ tio̍h yi khó-lêng teh khòaⁿ i, i ê ūi tō cho-cho.

Chit-chióng bô an-ún ê kám-kak, hō͘ Gopal siūⁿ boeh ūi ka-tī khai-hoat kî-thaⁿ ê chi-chhî. Tī i hām Shaw Tt kau-óng ê chho͘-kî, chi̍t-kang chá-khí, i khà tiān-ōe hō͘ chi̍t-ê Indo-lâng kang-thêng-su, hit-lâng i bat hām i ha̍p-chok kòe chi̍t-ê tâng-sòaⁿ hú-si̍t ê choan-àn, i mā thê-chá ùi AT&T thè-hiu ah. Tú thè-hiu ê sî, in bat kán-té kìⁿ kòe kúi-kái bīn, ta̍k-kái lóng tông-ì koh kìⁿ-bīn, m̄-koh kok-lâng lóng bô chin jīn-chin. Gopal tán kàu 11 tiám chiah khà tiān-ōe, in-ūi i kám-kak nā siuⁿ chá khà, ē pī jīn-ûi i ū siáⁿ su-kiû. Chiap tiān-ōe ê sī chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘. Yi kiò i tán chi̍t-ē, yi khì kiò Rishi lâi. Sui-bóng in bó͘-kiáⁿ í-keng lī-khui, Gopal kám-kak ná-chhiūⁿ teh khi-phiàn, tio̍h kek kah ká-ná ka-tī sī lēng-gōa ê pa̍t-lâng.

"Góa it-ti̍t bô teh chhòng-siáⁿ," i chek-khek kā Rishi kóng thán-pe̍k. "Góa tha̍k chin chē mi̍h-kiāⁿ." Tán Rishi mn̄g i tha̍k siáⁿ, Gopal pháiⁿ-sè pháiⁿ-sè hôe-tap kóng "Cha̍p-chì." Siang-lâng hit-sî lóng tiām khì. Gopal bô siūⁿ boeh chi̍t-ē tō mn̄g Rishi kám boeh kìⁿ-bīn chia̍h-pn̄g, só͘-í piàⁿ-miā teh chhōe kau-tâm ê ōe-tê. I chē tī chàu-kha. I khòaⁿ ji̍t-kng chiò tī bīn-chêng ê pò-chóa téng, siūⁿ khí i ē-tàng mn̄g Rishi būn-tê. "Lí kòe liáu án-chóaⁿ?"

"Chia kap Indo bô kāng," Rishi kā ìn, án-ne teh bâi-oàn. "Tī Indo, lú chē hòe lí tō lú sīu lâng chù-ì. Tī chia, lí tio̍h kè-sio̍k hiòng chêng. Gín-á bô tī sin-piⁿ, lí bô siáⁿ thang chò. Góa siūⁿ boeh tńg khì, m̄-koh Ratha bô-ài. Bí-kok tùi hū-jîn-lâng hó chin chē."

Gopal hut-leh kám-kak khin-sang khí-lâi, in-ūi Rishi chi̍t-khùi kóng chiah chē. "Lí lóng tī chhù nih, a̍h sī lí ū teh kiam-chit?"

"Góa sī Indo Bûn-hòa Hia̍p-hōe chú-se̍k," Rishi hong-sîn-khì án-ne kóng.

"Ū-kàu chán," Gopal kóng, sûi koh thiàu ōe kóng, "he góa mā siūⁿ boeh to-to chham-ka, taⁿ góa ū sî-kan ah."

"Goán it-ti̍t lóng su-iàu pang-chān. Goán boeh pān chi̍t-ê tián-lám-hōe," Rishi kóng. "Sī āu kò goe̍h 24 hit-kang. Goán su-iàu lâng pang-chān hia̍p-tiau tāi-chì, an-pâi si̍t-bu̍t, tah soan-thoân-toaⁿ." 

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6. Gopal 懷疑她敢有愛伊

"你明仔載敢欲食暗? 我來煮." In 同意六點相會. 兩人 ê 談話 koh 繼續幾若分鐘, 等 Gopal 掛電話 ê 時, 伊真得意家治 kā 代誌處理甲誠好勢.

倒 tī 床欲睏進前, Gopal koh 讀一篇 "Cosmopolitan" ê 文章, 是有關工作壓力對 seks 生活 ê 影響. 伊對彼兩篇文章攏真佮意, mā 歡喜家治有拍拚欲了解 Shaw Tt. 伊笑 gi-gi 睏去.

隔工, 讀了報紙以後, Gopal 走去圖書館讀 Cosmopolitan 彼篇文章 ê 第一部份. 結局, 伊 koh 讀 ùi Elle, Redbook, Glamour ê 濟濟文章, mā 讀一篇 Reader’s Digest ê 文章 -- "按怎知影你 ê 婚姻出問題 ah." 伊試欲記牢 "笑是好藥" 專欄內底 ê 笑詼, án-ne tī 交談伊 tō 袂冷場 ah.

Gopal tī 四點轉到厝, tō 開始煮食. 暗頓真愉快, 雖罔 tī 灶跤食, 遐 ê 日光燈 iāⁿ-iāⁿ 爍. Gopal 煩惱昨昏 ê 做愛只是好運. 毋過兩人食飽無久, in 已經來 tī 膨椅, 互相 teh liù 對方 ê 衫褲.

Gopal 欲留 Shaw Tt 過暝, 毋過她拒絕, 講, 自從離婚, 她毋捌 tī 別人兜過暝. 頭起先, Gopal 聽甲真感動. 烏暗中雙人倒 tī 伊 ê 眠床. 台燈座 ê 時鐘顯示 9:12 大大 ê 紅字. "按怎 sioh?" Gopal 問, 翻身 kā 喙䫌焐 tī 她彼冷冷 ê 肩胛頭. 伊欲予她知, 伊熱切欲知她 ê 想法.

"我想, 我是從一而終主義者, 我無愛 kā 代誌變甲傷複雜." 她 kō͘ 中指 kā 一撮頭鬃轉一个結. "這並毋是因為你, 親愛 ê. 對逐个查埔攏是 án-ne."

 "Oh," Gopal 講, 猶有別个查埔 ê 講法予伊心疼, 對她 ê 動機破滅. 毋過, 伊繼續相信, 今 in 雙人是情人, 伊 ê 關心有夠力予她 kā 伊愛倒轉來. 彼工讀著 ê 一篇文章有講起, 人若一直受著關心, 難免會互相依賴. 所以伊放鬆家治, 表現甲真理解.

Gopal tī Shaw Tt 離開一點鐘了後上床. 欲睏進前, 伊敲電話予她, kā 她講暗安. 自彼工了後, 伊常在敲電話予她, 一工兩三改. 閣來彼幾禮拜, Gopal 感覺家治變甲對她閉思 koh 輕浮. Tī Shaw Tt 接電話 ê 時, 伊激 phi̍ⁿh-phe̍ⁿh 喘 ê 聲, 弄 Shaw Tt 大笑. 她佮意伊這種囡仔款. 有時她比伊胸前某一个位, 伊 tō àⁿ 頭看, 雖罔知影遐啥都無, 予她硞伊 ê 鼻. In teh 做愛 ê 時, 她真體貼, 問伊較佮意按怎做, Gopal ùi 遮學著, mā án-ne 問她. In 差不多逐工相見, 雖罔有時干焦短短幾分鐘, tī 黃昏 a̍h 暗時. 毋過, Gopal tī 她身邊, 繼續會感覺緊張, 袂輸是伊 teh 齪嘈人. 她若敲電話請伊過去, 伊總是感覺受著巴結. 等 Gopal lú 了解 Shaw Tt, 伊開始認為她真巧. 她常在 teh 讀冊, 主要是歷史 kap 經濟學. 所以, tī 她鬱悶, 多情, 閣講孤單無藥醫 ê 時, 伊總是著一驚. Gopal 佮意 Shaw Tt tī 這種心情, án-ne 予伊感覺被需要, 毋過伊又真見笑, 因為家治無安全感. 她若對一个笑話無笑, Gopal tō 懷疑她敢有愛伊. In 若做伙 tī 眠床, 想著她可能 teh 看伊, 伊 ê 胃 tō 慒慒.

這種無安穩 ê 感覺, 予 Gopal 想欲為家治開發其他 ê 支持. Tī 伊和 Shaw Tt 交往 ê 初期, 一工早起, 伊敲電話予一个 Indo 人工程師, 彼人伊捌和伊合作過一个銅線腐蝕 ê 專案, 伊 mā 提早 ùi AT&T 退休 ah. 拄退休 ê 時, in 捌簡短見過幾改面, 逐改攏同意 koh 見面, 毋過各人攏無真認真. Gopal 等到 11 點才敲電話, 因為伊感覺若傷早敲, 會被認為伊有啥需求. 接電話 ê 是一个查某. 她叫伊等一下, 她去叫 Rishi 來. 雖罔 in 某囝已經離開, Gopal 感覺若像 teh 欺騙, 著激甲 ká-ná 家治是另外 ê 別人.

"我一直無 teh 創啥," 伊即刻 kā Rishi 講坦白. "我讀真濟物件." 等 Rishi 問伊讀啥, Gopal 歹勢歹勢回答講 "雜誌." 雙人彼時攏恬去. Gopal 無想欲一下 tō 問 Rishi 敢欲見面食飯, 所以拚命 teh 揣交談 ê 話題. 伊坐 tī 灶跤. 伊看日光照 tī 面前 ê 報紙頂, 想起伊會當問 Rishi 問題. "你過了按怎?"

"遮 kap Indo 無仝," Rishi kā 應, án-ne teh 埋怨. "Tī Indo, lú 濟歲你 tō lú 受人注意. Tī 遮, 你著繼續向前. 囡仔無 tī 身邊, 你無啥通做. 我想欲轉去, 毋過 Ratha 無愛. 美國對婦人 lâng 好真濟."

Gopal 忽 leh 感覺輕鬆起來, 因為 Rishi 一氣講 chiah 濟. "你攏 tī 厝 nih, a̍h 是你有 teh 兼職?"

"我是 Indo 文化協會主席," Rishi 風神氣 án-ne 講.

"有夠讚," Gopal 講, 隨 koh 跳話講, "彼我 mā 想欲多多參加, 今我有時間 ah."

"阮一直攏需要幫贊. 阮欲辦一个展覽會," Rishi 講. "是後個月 24 彼工. 阮需要人幫贊協調代誌, 安排食物, 貼宣傳單." 

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6.

"Would you like to have dinner tomorrow? I'll cook." They agreed to meet at six. The conversation continued for a few minutes longer, and when Gopal hung up, he was pleased at how well he had handled things.

While lying in bed, waiting for sleep, Gopal read another article in Cosmopolitan, about job pressure's effects on one's sex life. He had enjoyed both articles and was happy with himself for his efforts at understanding Mrs. Shaw. He fell asleep smiling.

THE next day, after reading the papers, Gopal went to the library to read the first part of the Cosmopolitan article. He ended up reading articles from Elle, Redbook, Glamour, Mademoiselle, and Family Circle, and one from Reader's Digest -- "How to Tell If Your Marriage Is on the Rocks." He tried to memorize jokes from the "Laughter Is the Best Medicine" section, so that he would never be at a loss for conversation.

Gopal arrived at home by four and began cooking. Dinner was pleasant, though they ate in the kitchen, which was lit with buzzing fluorescent tubes. Gopal worried that yesterday's lovemaking might have been a fluke. Soon after they finished the meal, however, they were on the couch, struggling with each other's clothing.

Gopal wanted Mrs. Shaw to spend the night, but she refused, saying that she had not slept a full night with anyone since her divorce. At first Gopal was touched by this. They lay on his bed in the dark. The alarm clock on the lampstand said 9:12 in big red figures. "Why?" Gopal asked, rolling over and resting his cheek on her cool shoulder. He wanted to reassure her that he was eager to listen.

"I think I'm a serial monogamist and I don't want to make things too complicated." She twisted a lock of his hair around her middle finger. "It isn't because of you, sweetie. It's with every man."

"Oh," Gopal said, hurt by the idea of other men and disillusioned about her motives. He continued believing, however, that now that they were lovers, the power of his concern would make her love him back. One of the articles he had read that day had suggested that people become dependent in spite of themselves when they are constantly cared for. So he made himself relax and act understanding.

Gopal went to bed an hour after Mrs. Shaw left. Before going to sleep he called her and wished her good night. He began calling her frequently after that, two or three times a day. Over the next few weeks Gopal found himself becoming coy and playful with her. When Mrs. Shaw picked up the phone, he made panting noises, and she laughed at him. She liked his being childlike with her. Sometimes she would point to a spot on his chest, and he would look down, even though he knew nothing was there, so that she could tap his nose. When they made love, she was thoughtful about asking what pleased him, and Gopal learned from this and began asking her the same. They saw each other nearly every day, though sometimes only briefly, for a few minutes in the evening or at night. But Gopal continued to feel nervous around her, as if he were somehow imposing. If she phoned him and invited him over, he was always flattered. As Gopal learned more about Mrs. Shaw, he began thinking she was very smart. She read constantly, primarily history and economics. He was always surprised, therefore, when she became moody and sentimental and talked about how loneliness is incurable. Gopal liked Mrs. Shaw in this mood, because it made him feel needed, but he felt ashamed that he was so insecure. When she did not laugh at a joke, Gopal doubted that she would ever love him. When they were in bed together and he thought she might be looking at him, he kept his stomach sucked in.

THIS sense of precariousness made Gopal try developing other supports for himself. One morning early in his involvement with Mrs. Shaw he phoned an Indian engineer with whom he had worked on a project about corrosion of copper wires and who had also taken early retirement from AT&T. They had met briefly several times since then and had agreed each time to get together again, but neither had made the effort. Gopal waited until eleven before calling, because he felt that any earlier would make him sound needy. A woman picked up the phone. She told him to wait a minute as she called for Rishi. Gopal felt vaguely deceitful, as if he were trying to pass himself off as just like everyone else, although his wife and child had left him.

"I haven't been doing much," he confessed immediately to Rishi. "I read a lot." When Rishi asked what, Gopal answered "Magazines," with embarrassment. They were silent then. Gopal did not want to ask Rishi immediately if he would like to meet for dinner, so he hunted desperately for a conversational opening. He was sitting in the kitchen. He looked at the sunlight on the newspaper before him and remembered that he could ask Rishi questions. "How are you doing?"

"It isn't like India," Rishi responded, complaining. "In India the older you are, the closer you are to the center of attention. Here you have to keep going. Your children are away and you have nothing to do. I would go back, but Ratha doesn't want to. America is much better for women."

Gopal felt a rush of relief that Rishi had spoken so much. "Are you just at home or are you doing something part time?"

"I am the president of the Indian Cultural Association," Rishi said boastfully.

"That's wonderful," Gopal said, and with a leap added, "I want to get involved in that more, now that I have time."

"We always need help. We are going to have a fair," Rishi said. "It's on the twenty-fourth, next month. We need help coordinating things, arranging food, putting up flyers."

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