⑪. 你講, 你欲 chhōa 伊去買物件

11. Lí kóng, lí boeh chhōa i khì bé mi̍h-kiāⁿ

"M̄-sī án-ne," i kō͘ chhiú-ńg chhit bīn, "chí-sī hām goán bó͘ ê chit-kiāⁿ tāi-chì." I thó͘ chi̍t-ê tōa-khùi. "Goán ê koan-hē ū tām-po̍h-á bô ún-tēng."

"Thiaⁿ tio̍h che, góa mā sim-cho."

"Tō sī chit-lō tāi-chì." Kevin kim-kim khòaⁿ tē-pán. "Góa ài yi. Góa ū. Kan-ta sī, yi bô ài chò bó͘ chi̍t-kóa sèng ê tōng-chok..."

"Hó ah, mài koh kóng."

"Góa chin-chiàⁿ siūⁿ boeh kā che kóng chhut-chhùi."

"Góa bô-ài thiaⁿ."

"Amanda," Kevin chhun chi̍t-ki chhiú ǹg góa -- ná jiû-hî-á ê chhiú, teh kiû, teh ui-hia̍p.

"Sáⁿ-mih?" góa í-keng se̍h kòe pòaⁿ-chiah toh-á, kiâⁿ hiòng mn̂g.

I ê ba̍k-chiu-kho͘ o͘-o͘. "Lí chiâⁿ súi," i kóng, kháu-khì tiong ū oàn-hūn.

Góa liu kòe i, kiâⁿ ji̍p tōa-thiaⁿ.

- - -

Hioh-tàu ê sî, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h Ivan tī iû-éng-tî hia tó. I khòaⁿ tio̍h chin khin-sang, pha̍k kah âng-âng, sin-piⁿ ū chi̍t-pún hian-khui ê Siong-gia̍p Chiu-khan. I ê heng-khám mo͘ chin kāu -- che sī thâu-lâng ê phiau-chì. Sui-jiân ū bē-chió lâng teh iōng iû-éng-tî, m̄-koh i piⁿ-á ê theⁿ-í lóng khang-khang. Góa ioh che sī in-ūi Ivan ê khì-sè; che ná chhiūⁿ tòe i kîaⁿ ê la̍t-tiûⁿ. M̄-koh ū-sî chit-chiòng khì-sè mā ē hoa-khì. Chhin-chhiūⁿ i teh tôaⁿ piáno ê sî.

 "Jason cháu tó khì?" i mn̄g.

"Góa mā m̄-chai."

"Góa siūⁿ-kóng lí chhōa i khì bé mi̍h-kiāⁿ ah."

"Góa bô chhōa i khì bé mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Lí ná ē siūⁿ-kóng góa chhōa i khì bé mi̍h-kiāⁿ?"

"In-ūi lí bat kóng kòe." Ivan ìn.

"Tang-sî?"

"Chi̍t-ē-á chìn-chêng."

"Góa bô án-ne kóng."

"Ū, lí ū kóng."

Oh, hāi ah. Góa khòaⁿ, góa chai tāi-chì sī án-nóa ah-lah. M̄-koh Ivan bô khó-lêng tio̍h-tiàu chiah tio̍h. Iū-koh, Samantha í-keng chin kú bô pìⁿ chit-lō chhut-thâu ah; chū-chiông góa ê ko-tiong cha-po͘ pêng-iú, kha-kiû ūn-tōng-oân Brian ūi ka-tī bé chi̍t-tâi chhián-nâ ê hian-kòa-chhia liáu, tō bô koh án-ne chò ah.

"He m̄-sī góa. He sī goán sió-mōe."

"Oh," Ivan khin-sang kóng, bē-su góa sī kóng iû-éng-tî téng phû chi̍t-ê chhù-bī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ.

"Lí bē jīn-tit góa hioh?"

"Góa tong-jiân ē jīn-tit lí."

Góa kám-kak chiâⁿ khì -- góa siūⁿ, góa m̄-bat hiah-nī khì Ivan. "Yi sīm-chì khòaⁿ khí-lâi tō bô sêng góa. Yi ê thâu-chang jî-chháng-chháng, yi ū chia̍h-hun, yi khah sán, yi ê tōng-chok lóng ... ná tio̍h-tâng. Ivan! Khòaⁿ góa."

I lia̍h góa khòaⁿ, pêng-chēng koh nāi-sim, che sī goán ang. Khó-khò. I tùi múi chi̍t-ê lâng giâ sèng-tē, tî-liáu góa.

"Che tō sī góa. Góa m̄-sī yi. Khòaⁿ góa. Góa ê leng khah tōa."

"Lí ê leng?"

"Mn̄g Jason. I chai."

"Amanda, lí ǹg-bāng sáⁿ? Lín cha-bó͘ nā pìⁿ chit-lō pá-hì -- kāng-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á," i thàu-kòe ji̍t-kng ba̍k-chiu bui-bui khòaⁿ góa. "Jīm-hô pôe-sím-thoân lóng ē hoat-hiān góa sī bû-ko͘ ê."

"Góa lóng bô chhòng sáⁿ."

"Lí kóng, lí boeh chhōa i khì bé mi̍h-kiāⁿ." I ba̍k-chiu kheh loeh, kā i he kng-kng, kó͘-tâng-sek ê thâu-khak an tī chi̍t-tiâu kńg khí-lâi ê e̍k-kin téng-bīn. "Ū-lâng kā chhōa cháu, kám-siā Sîn."

"He m̄-sī góa."

"Góa chai."

"Yi m̄-sī góa."

"Tong-jiân, yi m̄-sī."

*

11. 你講, 你欲 chhōa 伊去買物件

"毋是 án-ne," 伊 kō͘ 手䘼拭面, "只是和阮某 ê 這件代誌." 伊吐一个大氣. "阮 ê 關係有淡薄仔無穩定."

"聽著這, 我 mā 心慒."

"Tō 是 chit-lō 代誌." Kevin 金金看地板. "我愛她. 我有. 干焦是, 她無愛做某一寡性 ê 動作..."

"好 ah, 莫 koh 講."

"我真正想欲 kā 這講出喙."

"我無愛聽."

"Amanda," Kevin 伸一支手 ǹg 我 -- ná 鰇魚仔 ê 手, teh 求, teh 威脅.

"啥物?" 我已經踅過半隻桌仔, 行向門.

伊 ê 目睭箍烏烏. "你誠媠," 伊講, 口氣中有怨恨.

我溜過伊, 行入大廳.

- - -

歇晝 ê 時, 我看著 Ivan tī 游泳池 hia 倒. 伊看著真輕鬆, 曝 kah 紅紅, 身邊有一本掀開 ê 商業周刊. 伊 ê 胸坎毛真厚 -- 這是頭人 ê 標誌. 雖然有袂少人 teh 用游泳池, m̄-koh 伊邊仔 ê 撐椅 lóng 空空. 我臆這是因為 Ivan ê 氣勢; 這 ná 像綴伊行 ê 力場. M̄-koh 有時這種氣勢 mā 會 hoa 去. 親像伊 teh 彈 piáno ê 時.

 "Jason 走佗去?" 伊問.

"我 mā 毋知."

"我想講你 chhōa 伊去買物件 ah."

"我無 chhōa 伊去買物件. 你那會想講我 chhōa 伊去買物件?"

"因為你 bat 講過." Ivan 應.

"Tang 時?"

"一下仔進前."

"我無 án-ne 講."

"有, 你有講."

Oh, 害 ah. 我看, 我知代誌是 án-nóa ah-lah. M̄-koh Ivan 無可能著吊才著. 又 koh, Samantha 已經真久無 pìⁿ chit-lō 齣頭 ah; 自從我 ê 高中查埔朋友, 跤球運動員 Brian 為 ka-tī 買一台淺藍 ê 掀蓋車了, tō 無 koh án-ne 做 ah.

"彼毋是我. 彼是阮小妹."

"Oh," Ivan 輕鬆講, 袂輸我是講游泳池頂浮一个趣味 ê 物件.

"你袂認得我 hioh?"

"我當然會認得你."

我感覺誠氣 -- 我想, 我 m̄-bat hiah-nī 氣 Ivan. "她甚至看起來 tō 無成我. 她 ê 頭鬃 jî-chháng-chháng, 她有食薰, 她較瘦, 她 ê 動作 lóng ... ná 著童. Ivan! 看我."

伊掠我看, 平靜 koh 耐心, 這是阮翁. 可靠. 伊對每一个人夯性地, 除了我.

"這 tō 是我. 我毋是她. 看我. 我 ê 奶較大."

"你 ê 奶?"

"問 Jason. 伊知."

"Amanda, 你向望啥? 恁查某若 pìⁿ chit-lō 把戲 -- 仝卵雙生仔," 伊透過日光目睭 bui-bui 看我. "任何陪審團 lóng 會發現我是無辜 ê."

"我 lóng 無創啥."

"你講, 你欲 chhōa 伊去買物件." 伊目睭瞌 loeh, kā 伊 he 光光, 古銅色 ê 頭殼安 tī 一條捲起來 ê 浴巾頂面. "有人 kā chhōa 走, 感謝神."

"彼毋是我."

"我知."

"她毋是我."

"當然, 她毋是."

*

11.

"It's not that," he mops his sleeve over his face, "it's just this thing with my wife." He lets out a long sigh. "Our relationship is kind of rocky right now."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It's just this thing." Kevin stares at the floor. "I love her. I do. It's just that she won't perform certain sexual acts ..."

"Okay, stop."

"I really want to get this off my chest."

"I don't want to hear it."

"Amanda," Kevin extends a hand toward me -- tentacle fingers, imploring and threatening.

"What?" I'm already halfway around the table and heading for the door.

He has dark circles under his eyes. "You're so pretty," he says, in a rancorous tone.

I slide past him, into the hall.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

During the break for lunch, I find Ivan lounging by the pool. He looks relaxed and tan, splayed out with a Business Week by his side. He has lots of hair on his chest -- the emblem of the alpha male. Though quite a few people are using the pool, all the nearby chaises are empty. I attribute this to Ivan's formidable air; he carries it with him like a force field. But there are moments when it evaporates. Like when he plays the piano.

"Where's Jason?" he says.

"I have no idea."

"I thought you took him shopping."

"I didn't take him shopping. Why do you think I took Jason shopping?"

"Because you said so," Ivan replies.

"When?"

"A little while ago."

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did."

Oh no. I think I see what is going on here. But Ivan would never fall for it. Besides, Samantha hasn't tried this for a long time, not since my high school boyfriend, Brian, the football player, bought himself a baby blue convertible.

"That wasn't me. That was my sister."

"Oh," Ivan says mildly, as though I'd just pointed out an interesting item floating in the pool.

"Don't you know me?"

"Of course I know you."

I feel so angry -- I don't think I've ever been so angry at Ivan. "She doesn't even look like me. Her hair is streaked, she smokes, she's thinner, she acts all ... whacked out. Ivan! Look at me."

He looks at me, calm and patient, the man I married. Solid. The man who flies off the handle at everyone except me.

"This is me. I'm not her. Look at me. My breasts are bigger."

"Your breasts?"

"Ask Jason. He knows."

"Amanda, what do you expect? If you girls are up to tricks like that -- identical twins," he squints at me through the sun. "Any jury would find me innocent."

"I'm not up to anything."

"You said you'd take him shopping." He closes his eyes and settles his bald, bronzing head on a rolled-up towel. "Somebody took him away, thank God."

"It wasn't me."

"I know."

"She's not me."

"Of course she's not."

*

⑩. Kā 你講恁小妹 ê 代誌

10. Kā lí kóng lín sió-mōe ê tāi-chì

Ta̍k-nî, in lóng hō͘ goán chò kāng-khoán hó-chhiò, kó͘-chá ê sim-lí chhek-giām, its Minnesota To-siòng Jîn-keh Chhek-giām; ta̍k-nî góa lóng thiâu-kang kéng góa chai-iáⁿ Samantha bē kéng ê tap-àn. Chóng--sī, lí-lūn-tek goán ê sèng-keh te̍k-teng kan-ta 50% sī sio-kāng ê. M̄-koh, kin-kì Kevin ê kóng-hoat, múi-nî Samantha hām góa chha-put-to ta̍k-ê tê-bo̍k lóng kéng sio-kāng ê tap-àn.

Góa teh lia̍h bē-tiāⁿ tē-sì tê: "Góa nā sī kì-chiá, góa chin kah-ì pò-tō hì-kio̍k ê sin-bûn." Tùi góa lâi kóng, tap-àn sī F, góa thó-ià hì-kio̍k. He siuⁿ sô. M̄-koh, Samantha chóng-sī kah-ì hì-kio̍k, sīm-chì tī ko-tiong ê sî, bô teh bô-êng hām sí-tóng hah tōa-môa ê sî, yi bat chham-ka kòe chi̍t/nn̄g-chhut. M̄-koh, chit-ê būn-tê ū tām-po̍h-á -- kám-kak ná sī boeh phīⁿ chhut tông-sèng-loân chhu-hiòng ê n̂g-sng chhì-thàm -- hō͘ góa kám-kak Samantha ē soán F, kō͘ án-ne lâi péng-pôaⁿ, sui-bóng yi ê chin-si̍t tap-àn khó-lêng sī T. Tio̍h, tō sī án-ne. Góa koat-tēng Samantha ē soán F; chū-án-ne góa boeh soán T. Góa ê chhiú tī T ê kho͘-á téng se̍h. M̄-koh, tán leh! Kì-jiân goán chóng-sī soán kāng-khoán ê tap-àn, góa ì-sek tio̍h, chit-pái góa eng-kai tī chòe-āu kái-piàn góa ê thui-lūn, péng-pôaⁿ khì F.

F tō sī tap-àn.

Góa kō͘ chit-chióng hùi-khì ê hong-sek hôe-tap múi chi̍t-ê būn-tê, lóng kō͘ chòe-āu ê péng-pôaⁿ.

Lo̍h-bóe, góa tī lí-koán tn̂g-tn̂g, pho͘-tē-thán ê cháu-lông tú tio̍h Kevin.

"97%!" i ná kóng, ná gia̍h-chhiú boeh kap góa phok chhiú-pôaⁿ. "Hām téng-pái kāng-khoán."

"Kai-sí."

Kevin lia̍h góa ê chhiú, tháⁿ hiòng góa. I it-ti̍t tháⁿ, it-ti̍t kā góa sak kàu chi̍t-ê bô thang-á ê pâng-keng, lāi-bīn kan-ta ū chi̍t-tè toh-á kap chi̍t-tâi khì-chúi hoàn-bē-ki. Kevin khòaⁿ góa. Góa mā khòaⁿ Kevin. I he e̍h-e̍h-á ê chéng-thâu-á ná jiû-hî-á chhiu lia̍h tio̍h góa ê chhiú.

"Lín nn̄g-ê chin-chiàⁿ chiâⁿ chhù-bī."

Góa í-keng koàn-sì Kevin ê thiu-siōng (抽象) ê ài-ì, só͘-í góa khì hō͘ i he bô-ún-tēng, hui-ha̍k-su̍t-tek ê kí-tōng kiaⁿ tio̍h -- iû-kî sī i he góa m̄-bat chù-ì kòe ê giàng khí-lâi ê ba̍k-bâi-mo͘. Góa m̄-chai he sī in-ūi nî-kí cheng-ka -- a̍h sī in-ūi i khì kā chián chiah ē án-ne. Kevin kā góa lia̍h tiâu-tiâu ê sî, góa teh siūⁿ che. Chin chheng-chhó, i sī ūi góa teh pìⁿ pá-hì.

I àⁿ koh-khah kīn. "Góa ē-sái kā lí kóng lín sió-mōe ê tāi-chì."

"Kín kóng."

"Góa bē-sái."

"Án-nóa bē-sái?"

"Góa ū chhiam pó-bi̍t hia̍p-gī."

Góa chhiò chhut-lâi. "He chìn-chêng mā bô chó͘-tòng tio̍h lí." Góa kā chhiú thiu tńg-lâi.

"Sī ah, bô m̄-tio̍h," i siang-chhiú kau-chhap mo͘h tī heng-chêng, "he sī chìn-chêng. Chit-má tāi-chì bô kāng ah."

"Lí ná ē án-ne piáu-hiān?"

"Án-nóa piáu-hiān?"

"Bē-su lí siūⁿ boeh kap góa sio-kàn."

Hoeh chhèng kàu Kevin ê bīn. "Góa bô án-ne kóng."

"Lí sī bô án-ne kóng."

*

10. Kā 你講恁小妹 ê 代誌

逐年, in lóng 予阮做仝款好笑, 古早 ê 心理測驗, its Minnesota 多相人格測驗; 逐年我 lóng thiâu 工揀我知影 Samantha 袂揀 ê 答案. 總是, 理論 tek 阮 ê 性格特徵干焦 50% 是相仝 ê. M̄-koh, 根據 Kevin ê 講法, 每年 Samantha 和我差不多逐个題目 lóng 揀相仝 ê 答案.

我 teh 掠袂定第四題: "我若是記者, 我真佮意報導戲劇 ê 新聞." 對我來講, 答案是 F, 我討厭戲劇. 彼 siuⁿ 趖. M̄-koh, Samantha 總是佮意戲劇, 甚至 tī 高中 ê 時, 無 teh 無閒和死黨哈大麻 ê 時, 她 bat 參加過一兩齣. M̄-koh, 這个問題有淡薄仔 -- 感覺 ná 是欲鼻出同性戀趨向 ê 黃酸試探 -- 予我感覺 Samantha 會選 F, kō͘ án-ne 來 péng 盤, 雖罔她 ê 真實答案可能是 T. 著, tō 是 án-ne. 我決定 Samantha 會選 F; 自 án-ne 我欲選 T. 我 ê 手 tī T ê 箍仔頂踅. M̄-koh, 等 leh! 既然阮總是選仝款 ê 答案, 我意識著, 這擺我應該 tī 最後改變我 ê 推論, péng 盤去 F.

F tō 是答案.

我 kō͘ 這種費氣 ê 方式回答每一个問題, lóng kō͘ 最後 ê péng 盤.

落尾, 我 tī 旅館長長, 鋪地毯 ê 走廊拄著 Kevin.

"97%!" 伊 ná 講, ná 攑手欲 kap 我撲手盤. "和頂擺仝款."

"該死."

Kevin 掠我 ê 手, tháⁿ 向我. 伊一直 tháⁿ, 一直 kā 我捒到一个無窗仔 ê 房間, 內面干焦有一塊桌仔 kap 一台汽水販賣機. Kevin 看我. 我 mā 看 Kevin. 伊 he 狹狹仔 ê 指頭仔 ná 鰇魚仔鬚掠著我 ê 手.

"恁兩个真正誠趣味."

我已經慣勢 Kevin ê thiu-siōng (抽象) ê 愛意, 所以我去予伊 he 無穩定, 非學術 tek ê 舉動驚著 -- 尤其是伊 he 我 m̄-bat 注意過 ê giàng 起來 ê 目眉毛. 我毋知 he 是因為年紀增加 -- a̍h 是因為伊去 kā 剪才會 án-ne. Kevin kā 我掠牢牢 ê 時, 我 teh 想這. 真清楚, 伊是為我 teh pìⁿ 把戲.

伊 àⁿ koh 較近. "我會使 kā 你講恁小妹 ê 代誌."

"緊講."

"我袂使."

"Án-nóa 袂使?"

"我有簽保密協議."

我笑出來. "彼進前 mā 無阻擋著你." 我 kā 手抽轉來.

"是 ah, 無毋著," 伊雙手交插 mo͘h tī 胸前, "彼是進前. Chit-má 代誌無仝 ah."

"你那會 án-ne 表現?"

"Án-nóa 表現?"

"袂輸你想欲 kap 我 sio-kàn."

血衝到 Kevin ê 面. "我無 án-ne 講."

"你是無 án-ne 講."

*

10.

Every year, they give us the same ridiculous, ancient psychological test, the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory, and every year I try to pick answers I know Samantha will not pick. After all, we're supposed to have only fifty percent of our personality traits in common. And yet every year, according to Kevin, Samantha and I pick the same answers to virtually every question.

I'm struggling with number 4: "If I were a reporter I would very much like to report news of the theater." For me, the answer is F, I hate the theater. It's too slow. Samantha, though, always liked plays and even worked on one or two during high school, when she wasn't busy smoking pot with her stoner friends. But there's something about this question -- the way it feels like a pale attempt to sniff out homosexual tendencies -- that makes me think that Samantha would mark F in an attempt to be subversive, even though her true answer is probably T. Yes, that's it. I decide that Samantha will answer F; therefore I will answer T. My hand hovers above the bubble marked T. But wait! Since we always choose the same answer, I realize that this time I should invert my reasoning process now, at the last minute, and flop over to F.

F is the answer.

I answer each question via this rather laborious process, with the last-minute flop.

Afterward, I come across Kevin in one of the long, carpeted hallways of the hotel.

"Ninety-seven percent!" he says, holding up his hand for a high five. "Same as last time!"

"Damn it."

Kevin grabs my hand and veers into me. He keeps coming until he's backed me into a windowless room containing a table and a soda machine. Kevin looks at me. I look at Kevin. His narrow fingers are gripping my hand like squid tentacles.

"You two certainly are interesting."

I've become used to a kind of abstracted fondness from Kevin, so I'm surprised by his unstable, nonacademic demeanor -- magnified by a spray of wild eyebrow hairs I've never noticed. I wonder whether they've sprouted due to advancing age -- or did he give up trimming them? I ponder this while Kevin clutches me. Clearly, he's making some sort of play for me.

He leans in closer. "I could tell you things about your sister."

"Go ahead."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I signed a confidentiality agreement."

I laugh. "That never stopped you before." I pull my hand away.

"Yeah, well," he crosses his arms over his chest, "that was then. Things are different now."

"Why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?"

"Like you want to fuck me."

The blood rushes to Kevin's cheeks. "I never said that."

"You didn't say it."

*

9. 我欲予你見阮翁

9. Góa boeh hō͘ lí kìⁿ goán ang

Góa jím-put-chū giâ ke-bó͘-phôe. Kui-sì-lâng góa lóng thiaⁿ lâng kóng yi ê chhòng-chō-le̍k.

"Oke. Nā án-ne, góa sī hit-ê bô-liâu ê lâng, á yi sī thiàu chhái-tòa-bú ê."

"Ki-pún-tek sī án-ne."

Góa ē-kì-tit góa teh su-khó chit-ê būn-tê ê sî, Kevin ná teh pō͘ kui-me ê thô͘-tāu koh ná khòaⁿ pâng-keng. I seⁿ-chò é-é, chhiú sè-sè, gín-á bīn. Lâu chhùi-chhiu sī chi̍t-ê hó pō͘-sò͘, m̄-koh he mā bô hoat-tō͘ am-khàm i ê gián-kiù-seng khì-chit. Chiú-pó í-keng hoat khah hō͘ i.

"Ká-sú goán sī ko͘ chi̍t-lâng, ē án-nóa? Ki-in sio-kāng, m̄-koh goán kan-ta ū chi̍t-lâng, bô lēng-gōa hit-ê thang hoán-èng. Chit-ê lâng ē seⁿ-chò án-nóa?"

"Che tō sī hoat-seng tī kî-thaⁿ ê lâng ê tāi-chì," Kevin kóng. "M̄-koh lín sī siang-seⁿ-á."

"Tio̍h," góa kóng. "Góa sī te̍k-pia̍t ê."

- - -

Samantha hām góa khui-chhia tńg-lâi chhī-khu, bô kóng-ōe, m̄-koh yi it-ti̍t khàu, khàu chi̍t-chūn-á. Yi kā chhia se̍h kàu konkuli ji̍t-jia ē-bīn, chē tī handolu āu-bīn, ba̍k-chiu âng-âng, kim-kim khòaⁿ gî-pió-pôaⁿ.

"Lí boeh ji̍p-lâi bô?"

"Khó-lêng khah-bān leh." Yi iáu-sī kā chhiú khǹg tī hapa káu ê thâu-khak. Káu-á kō͘ neh-neh ê phīⁿ-khang teh chhoán. Góa m̄-chai, yi kám ē khek-ho̍k chit-ê būn-tê. Góa mā m̄-chai, tī yi ê kui-sì-lâng, yi kám bat khek-ho̍k kòe jīm-hô mi̍h-kiāⁿ.

"Chit-má bô sek-ha̍p chhī thióng-bu̍t," góa kā kóng.

"Bô, bô iàu-kín lah." Samantha chhiú iô chi̍t-ē.

"Lâi goán pâng-keng. Góa boeh hō͘ lí kìⁿ goán ang."

"Lí kiat-hun ah?"

"Tio̍h, tong-jiân. Góa nā chai-iáⁿ án-nóa liân-lo̍k lí, góa tō ē iau-chhiáⁿ lí."

"Lí kiat-hun ah? Thiⁿ ah. Ūi sáⁿ-mih?"

"Ài-chêng," góa kóng, m̄-koh thiaⁿ-tio̍h mā bô sáⁿ chèng-khak.

Samantha it-ti̍t teh phok hit-chiah hapa káu-á. Káu-á khòaⁿ khí-lâi ū 10 hòe ah. Che hō͘ góa siūⁿ boeh kā tēⁿ--sí.

"Lí boeh chai-iáⁿ, sī án-nóa góa boeh kā hō-chò Diego bô?"

"Kóng lâi thiaⁿ."

"In-ūi yi ba̍k-chiu thuh-thuh, tōa-kho͘, koh sī kiōng-sán chú-gī-chiá, tō ná Diego Rivera."

"Lí ná chai-iáⁿ yi sī kiōng-sán chú-gī-chiá?"

"Âng-sek ê khan-tòa. Á yi í-chêng ū chū-iû."

Hit-àm, góa hō͘ Ivan lám tio̍h, tó tī bîn-chhn̂g thiaⁿ lí-koán ê po-lê thang khi-khi kho̍k-kho̍k. Góa m̄-chai Samantha sī án-nóa ah. Yi lóng bô lâi chhōe góa.

- - -

Chi̍t-kù ōe tùi lí nā sī chin a̍h tōa-bīn sī chin, lí tō kā ū T ê kho͘-á ōe o͘; he ōe nā sī ké a̍h tōa-bīn m̄-sī chin, lí tō kā ū F ê kho͘-á ōe o͘; he ōe nā tùi lí bô sek-iōng, lí tō bián tī tap-kǹg chò kì-hō.

1. Góa kah-ì cha-po͘-khoán ê cha-bó͘.

2. Góa nā ē-tàng bián hù-chîⁿ tō ji̍p-khì khòaⁿ tiān-iáⁿ, koh khak-tēng bē hông hoat-hiān, góa khó-lêng ē án-ne chò.

3. Góa ê thâu-khak-téng ū-sî kám-kak hàng-hàng.

4. Góa nā sī kì-chiá, góa chin kah-ì pò-tō hì-kio̍k ê sin-bûn.

5. M̄ goān thoa ê bé tio̍h kā kòng a̍h kā that.

6. Góa chù-ì góa pàng ê sái ê sek, che chin chū-jiân.

7. Góa ê sèng-khì-koan ū būn-tê.

*

9. 我欲予你見阮翁

我忍不住夯雞母皮. 規世人我 lóng 聽人講她 ê 創造力.

"Oke. 若 án-ne, 我是彼个無聊 ê 人, á 她是跳彩帶舞 ê."

"基本 tek 是 án-ne."

我會記得我 teh 思考這个問題 ê 時, Kevin ná teh 哺規 me ê 塗豆 koh ná 看房間. 伊生做矮矮, 手細細, 囡仔面. 留喙鬚是一个好步數, m̄-koh he mā 無法度掩崁伊 ê 研究生氣質. 酒保已經發卡予伊.

"假使阮是孤一人, 會 án-nóa? 基因相仝, m̄-koh 阮干焦有一人, 無另外彼个通反應. 這个人會生做 án-nóa?"

"這 tō 是發生 tī 其他 ê 人 ê 代誌," Kevin 講. "M̄-koh 恁是雙生仔."

"著," 我講. "我是特別 ê."

- - -

Samantha 和我開車轉來市區, 無講話, m̄-koh 她一直哭, 哭一陣仔. 她 kā 車踅到 konkuli 日遮下面, 坐 tī handolu 後面, 目睭紅紅, 金金看儀錶盤.

"你欲入來無?"

"可能較慢 leh." 她猶是 kā 手囥 tī hapa 狗 ê 頭殼. 狗仔 kō͘ neh-neh ê 鼻空 teh 喘. 我毋知, 她敢會克服這个問題. 我 mā 毋知, tī 她 ê 規世人, 她敢 bat 克服過任何物件.

"Chit-má 無適合飼寵物," 我 kā 講.

"無, 無要緊 lah." Samantha 手搖一下.

"來阮房間. 我欲予你見阮翁."

"你結婚 ah?"

"著, 當然. 我若知影 án-nóa 連絡你, 我 tō 會邀請你."

"你結婚 ah? 天 ah. 為啥物?"

"愛情," 我講, m̄-koh 聽著 mā 無啥正確.

Samantha 一直 teh 撲彼隻 hapa 狗仔. 狗仔看起來有 10 歲 ah. 這予我想欲 kā 捏死.

"你欲知影, 是 án-nóa 我欲 kā 號做 Diego無?"

"講來聽."

"因為她目睭 thuh-thuh, 大箍, koh 是共產主義者, tō ná Diego Rivera."

"你那知影她是共產主義者?"

"紅色 ê 牽帶. Á 她以前有自由."

彼暗, 我予 Ivan 攬著, 倒 tī 眠床聽旅館 ê 玻璃窗 khi-khi kho̍k-kho̍k. 我毋知 Samantha 是 án-nóa ah. 她 lóng 無來揣我.

- - -

一句話對你若是真 a̍h 大面是真, 你 tō kā 有 T ê 箍仔畫烏; he 話若是假 a̍h 大面毋是真, 你 tō kā 有 F ê 箍仔畫烏; he 話若對你無適用, 你 tō 免 tī 答卷做記號.

1. 我佮意查埔款 ê 查某.

2. 我若會當免付錢 tō 入去看電影, koh 確定袂 hông 發現, 我可能會 án-ne 做.

3. 我 ê 頭殼頂有時感覺 hàng-hàng.

4. 我若是記者, 我真佮意報導戲劇 ê 新聞.

5. 毋願拖 ê 馬著 kā 摃 a̍h kā 踢.

6. 我注意我放 ê 屎 ê 色, 這真自然.

7. 我 ê 性器官有問題.

*

9.

I reflexively cringed. I'd been hearing about her creativity my whole life.

"Okay. So I'm the boring one, and she's the scarf-dancer."

"Basically."

I remember thinking about this while Kevin chewed handfuls of bar peanuts and gazed around the room. He was short, with narrow hands and a baby face. The beard was a nice try, but even that couldn't deactivate his graduate-student air. The bartender had carded him.

"What if we had been one person? With our genetic sameness, but just one of us, without the other to react to. What would that person be like?"

"That's what happens to everyone else," Kevin said. "But you're a twin."

"Right," I said. "I'm special."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Samantha and I drive back downtown without speaking, though she keeps crying for a while. She turns the car around under the concrete awning, then sits there behind the wheel, eyes red, staring at the instrument panel.

"Are you coming in?

"Maybe later." She keeps her hand on the pug dog's head. It's wheezing through its little stoved-in nose. I wonder if she'll ever get over this. I wonder if she's ever gotten over anything in her whole life.

"It's just not a good time for a pet right now," I tell her.

"No, that's fine." Samantha waves her hand.

"Call me in my room. I want you to meet my husband."

"You got married?"

"Yes, of course. I would have invited you if I'd known how to reach you."

"You got married? My God. Why?"

"Love," I say, but somehow it doesn't sound quite right.

Samantha keeps petting the pug. Something about her seems about ten years old. This makes me want to throttle her.

"Do you want to know why I'm naming her Diego?"

"Okay."

"Because she's bug-eyed and fat and a communist, like Diego Rivera."

"How do you know she's a communist?"

"The red leash. And she was free."

That night I lie in bed with Ivan's arms around me, listening to the hotel windows ticking. I don't know what happened to Samantha. She never called.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

If a statement is true or mostly true, as applied to you, blacken the circle marked T. If a statement is false or usually not true, blacken the circle marked F. If a statement does not apply to you, make no mark on the answer sheet.

1. I like mannish women.

2. If I could get into a movie without paying and be sure I was not seen I would probably do it.

3. The top of my head sometimes feels tender.

4. If I were a reporter I would very much like to report news of the theater.

5. Horses that don't pull should be beaten or kicked.

6. It's only natural for me to note the color of my bowel movements.

7. There is something wrong with my sex organs.

*

8. Kevin 是我 ê 內應

8. Kevin sī góa ê lāi-èng

Tùi che, chit-ê cha-bó͘ ē-tàng kóng sáⁿ ah? Chiâⁿ hó-chhiò, góa kî-thāi yi tng-bīn tōa-la̍t kā mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi. M̄-koh Samantha ū bó͘-chióng góa só͘ bô ê mi̍h, bó͘-chióng gián-kiù-oân bô-hoat-tō͘ liōng-hòa ê mi̍h -- bī-le̍k. Goán kám-kak he ē hō͘ lâng lia̍h-kông.

Hit-ê cha-bó͘ kiâⁿ ji̍p-khì, koh chhut-lâi ê sî chhiú khan âng-tòa-á, liân chi̍t-chiah teh chhoán ê hapa káu.

"Him!" Samantha hiàm chi̍t-siaⁿ. Hit-chiah kàu cháu kòe-lâi, chīⁿ yi ê chhiú.

Yi kā hit-ê cha-bó͘ soeh-siā, tō oa̍t-sin chhōa hapa káu kiâⁿ chhut-lâi. Káu oàiⁿ lâi kàu chhia, hut-leh tō ná-chhiūⁿ se̍k-chhiú thiàu chiūⁿ thâu-chêng ūi. Góa tō kā sóa kòe-lâi chē góa piⁿ-á. Káu koai-koai sì-kè khòaⁿ, i ê kap-á ba̍k phok-phok, káu-phôe sang-sang kòa tī sok-kiat ê sin-khu. I khai-sí teh chhoán.

"Lí khòaⁿ," yi kóng, "chit-chióng káu sin-bé-ê chi̍t-chiah tio̍h chha-put-to chi̍t-chheng kho͘ bí-kim."

"Che kám chin-chiàⁿ sī lí ê káu?"

Samantha khòaⁿ góa, kóng, "Che chiâⁿ chhù-bī."

"Bô chhù-bī, chin ê."

"Che sī lí ê káu," yi kóng. "Góa ūi lí khoán ê."

"Góa bô ài."

"Sī án-nóa?"

"Góa tō sī bô-ài ah."

"Oke, hó. Nā án-ne, he sī góa ê káu." Chū án-ne, yi kō͘ siang-chhiú am bīn, khai-sí teh chhīⁿ-chhn̄g."

Tāi-khài 80% -- hián-jiân che mā sī góa tit-tio̍h ê ki-lu̍t -- m̄-koán Samantha tit-tio̍h sáⁿ-mih pēⁿ, siang-ke̍k chêng-kám chiòng-gāi a̍h pian-iân-hêng jîn-keh chiòng-gāi a̍h cheng-sîn hun-lia̍t-chèng a̍h iu-ut-chèng a̍h jia̍t-kông-chèng. Tî-hui, yi lóng bô chiah-ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. M̄-sī án-ne, mā m̄-sī tián-hêng án-ne, kin-kì gián-kiù-oân ê kóng-hoat -- kin-kì chi̍t-ê te̍k-pia̍t ê gián-kiù-oân Kevin, sī chi̍t-ê lâu-chhùi-chhiu ê siā-hōe-ha̍k kàu-siū, i tī chêng kúi-pái chi̍p-hōe ê bó͘-chi̍t-àm tī lí-koán chiu-pa hō͘ góa saⁿh-tio̍h. Chi̍t-ê hô-hó ê chi̍t-iā-chêng tō ū chit-lō hāu-kó, si̍t-chāi chin kiaⁿ-lâng. Chū hit-chūn khí, i tō sī góa ê lāi-èng, ún-tēng ê chêng-pò lâi-goân. Tong-jiân sī iú-koan góa ê, m̄-koh tōa-pō͘-hūn sī iú-koan Samantha ê.

"Samantha phû-phû," Kevin tī téng-kái ê chi̍p-hōe kái-soeh kóng. Hit-sî góa iáu-bōe kiat-hun, m̄-koh i kiat ah; i chheng-chhó kā góa kóng, goán ê "romans" í-keng kòe khì ah. Che hō͘ góa ài chhiò. "He mā hoān-sè sī chi̍t-chióng pēⁿ."

"M̄-koh, sī án-nóa yi ē phû-phû, á góa bē án-ne?"

"Hmh," i ná liàm chhùi-chhiu, "goán hoat-hiān ê chhù-bī tāi-chì sī, hun-khui chhiâⁿ-tōa ê tan-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á -- tī bô kāng ê khoân-kéng -- iáu ū tāi-khài 50% ê jîn-keh te̍k-teng sī kāng-khoán ê."

"Chin hó." Góa chóng-sī bô nāi-sim thiaⁿ i he ha̍k-chiá ê kháu-khì -- i sī gián-kiù-chiá, góa sī gián-kiù ê tùi-siōng, án-ne pēng bô tāi-piáu i sī thian-châi, góa sī gōng-tai. "Nā án-ne, tī kāng-khoán khoân-kéng tōa-hàn ê siang-seⁿ-á it-tēng ū koh-khah chē."

"Bê-lâng ê só͘-chāi tō sī tī chia. Chò-hóe chhiâⁿ-tōa ê siang-seⁿ-á mā ū tāi-khài 50% ê jîn-keh te̍k-teng sī kāng-khoán ê." I ê ba̍k-bâi giâ chi̍t-ê -- chi̍t-ê ū ì-gī ê piáu-chêng.

"Oke, kàu-siū. Ì-sù sī sáⁿ-mih?"

"Hmh, tōa-pō͘-hūn kāng-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á bô kah-ì thiaⁿ che, m̄-koh goán kā chit 50% ê piàn-hòa kui-in tī in tâng-chê tōa-hàn chit-ê sū-si̍t." "Oh, góa chai ah. Hit 50% sī goán siūⁿ boeh hō͘ ka-tī kap tùi-hong bô-kāng."

"Chiàⁿ sī án-ne. Tī bó͘-chióng thêng-tō͘ siōng, khì-tô͘ án-ne."

"Goán kò͘-tēng ka-tī ê ūi-tì. Góa sī hó ê siang-seⁿ-á. Samantha sī siâ-ok ê siang-seⁿ-á."

"Góa kò-jîn bē kóng Samantha siâ-ok. Yi khah ē loān-iōng io̍h-bu̍t. Samantha khah ū chhòng-chō-le̍k."

*

8. Kevin 是我 ê 內應

對這, 這个查某會當講啥 ah? 誠好笑, 我期待她當面大力 kā 門關起來. M̄-koh Samantha 有某種我所無 ê 物, 某種研究員無法度量化 ê 物 -- 魅力. 阮感覺 he 會予人掠狂.

彼个查某行入去, koh 出來 ê 時手牽紅帶仔, 連一隻 teh 喘 ê hapa 狗.

"Him!" Samantha hiàm 一聲. 彼隻狗走過來, 舐她 ê 手.

她 kā 彼个查某說謝, tō 越身 chhōa hapa 狗行出來. 狗 oàiⁿ 來到車, hut-leh tō ná 像熟手跳上頭前位. 我 tō kā 徙過來坐我邊仔. 狗乖乖四界看, 伊 ê 蛤仔目 phok-phok, 狗皮鬆鬆掛 tī 束結 ê 身軀. 伊開始 teh 喘.

"你看," 她講, "這種狗新買 ê 一隻著差不多一千箍美金."

"這敢真正是你 ê 狗?"

Samantha 看我, 講, "這誠趣味."

"無趣味, 真 ê."

"這是你 ê 狗," 她講. "我為你款 ê."

"我無愛."

"是 án-nóa?"

"我 tō 是無愛 ah."

"Oke, 好. 若 án-ne, 彼是我 ê 狗." 自 án-ne, 她 kō͘ 雙手掩面, 開始 teh chhīⁿ-chhn̄g."

大概 80% -- 顯然這 mā 是我得著 ê 機率 -- 毋管 Samantha 得著啥物病, 雙極情感障礙 a̍h 邊緣型人格障礙 a̍h 精神分裂症 a̍h 憂鬱症 a̍h 熱狂症. 除非, 她 lóng 無 chiah-ê 物件. 毋是 án-ne, mā 毋是典型 án-ne, 根據研究員 ê 講法 -- 根據一个特別 ê 研究員 Kevin, 是一个留喙鬚 ê 社會學教授, 伊 tī 前幾擺集會 ê 某一暗 tī 旅館酒吧 hō͘ 我 saⁿh 著. 一个和好 ê 一夜情 tō 有 chit-lō 效果, 實在真驚人. 自彼陣起, 伊 tō 是我 ê 內應, 穩定 ê 情報來源. 當然是有關我 ê, m̄-koh 大部份是有關 Samantha ê.

"Samantha 浮浮," Kevin tī 頂改 ê 集會解說講. 彼時我猶未結婚, m̄-koh 伊結 ah; 伊清楚 kā 我講, 阮 ê "romans" 已經過去 ah. 這予我愛笑. "彼 mā 凡勢是一種病."

"M̄-koh, 是 án-nóa 她會浮浮, á 我袂 án-ne?"

"Hmh," 伊 ná 捻喙鬚, "阮發現 ê 趣味代誌是, 分開晟大 ê 單卵雙生仔 -- tī 無仝 ê 環境 -- 猶有大概 50% ê 人格特徵是仝款 ê."

"真好." 我總是無耐心聽伊 he 學者 ê 口氣 -- 伊是研究者, 我是研究 ê 對象, án-ne 並無代表伊是天才, 我是戇呆. "若 án-ne, tī 仝款環境大漢 ê 雙生仔一定有 koh 較濟."

"迷人 ê 所在 tō 是 tī chia. 做伙晟大 ê 雙生仔 mā 有大概 50% ê 人格特徵是仝款 ê." 伊 ê 目眉夯一个 -- 一个有意義 ê 表情.

"Oke, 教授. 意思是啥物?"

"Hmh, 大部份仝卵雙生仔無佮意聽這, m̄-koh 阮 kā chit 50% ê 變化歸因 tī in 同齊大漢這个事實." "Oh, 我知 ah. Hit 50% 是阮想欲予 ka-tī kap 對方無仝."

"正是 án-ne. Tī 某種程度上, 企圖 án-ne."

"阮固定 ka-tī ê 位置. 我是好 ê 雙生仔. Samantha 是邪惡 ê 雙生仔."

"我個人袂講 Samantha 邪惡. 她較會亂用藥物. Samantha 較有創造力."

*

8.

What can the woman say to this? It's so ridiculous, I expect her to slam the door in our faces. But Samantha has something I don't have, something the researchers can't quantify -- charisma. I find it maddening.

The woman goes inside and comes back with a pug dog wheezing on the end of a red leash.

"Him!" exclaims Samantha. The dog trots over and licks her hand.

She thanks the woman and turns to usher the pug down the walk. It waddles to the car and hops in the front seat like an old hand. I have to shove it over to sit down. The dog looks around placidly, its froggy eyes bulging, its skin hanging around its compact body. It starts to pant.

"Check it out," she says, "these things cost about a thousand dollars new."

"Is that really your dog?"

Samantha looks at me and says, "That's really funny."

"No, really."

"It's your dog," she says. "I got it for you."

"I don't want it."

"Why not?"

"I just don't."

"Okay, fine. Then it's my dog." Then she puts her face in her hands and begins to sob.

Around 80 percent -- apparently that's my chance of having it too -- whatever Samantha has, bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia or depression or mania. Except she doesn't seem to have any of these things. Not really, not typically, according to the researchers -- well, according to a particular researcher, Kevin, a bearded sociology professor I captivated one evening at the hotel bar a couple of meetings ago. It's truly amazing, what an amicable one-night stand can accomplish. He's been my man on the inside ever since, a steady source of information. About me, of course, but mostly about Samantha.

"Samantha is just volatile," Kevin explained, at the last meeting. I wasn't married yet but he was; he had made it clear that our "romance" was over. That made me laugh. "It's not necessarily an illness."

"But how can she be so volatile when I'm not?"

"Well," he stroked his little beard, "the interesting thing we've learned is that monozygotic twins raised apart -- in different environments -- still have about 50 percent of their personality traits in common."

"Fine." I'm always impatient with Kevin's professorial tone -- just because he's the researcher and I'm the subject doesn't mean he's a genius and I'm a dolt. "Then twins raised in the same environment must have even more."

"That's the fascinating thing. Twins raised together also have about 50 percent of their personality traits in common." He raised his eyebrows -- a significant look.

"Okay, professor. Meaning what?"

"Well, most identical twins don't like to hear this, but we attribute the 50 percent variation to the fact that they were raised together." "Oh, I see. That 50 percent is us trying to be different from one another."

"Exactly. Trying, on some level."

"We stake our spot. I'm the good twin. Samantha's the evil twin."

"I wouldn't call Samantha evil, personally. She's prone to substance abuse. You may be too. She's more creative."

*

7. 阮 kā 她號做 Him

7. Goán kā yi hō-chò Him

Góa siūⁿ tio̍h Ivan, keng-kòe chi̍t-ji̍t piàⁿ-sí piàⁿ-oa̍h ê koaⁿ-si liáu-āu, i ê ba̍k-thâu pêng-chēng. "Lí chai, lí tú tio̍h bó͘-lâng gō͘-hun-cheng, lí tō chai-iáⁿ in kui-sì-lâng m̄-bat ū chōe-ok-kám."

"Hó kiáⁿ!" yi kóng.

"Sī ah, ū chi̍t-ê hó kiáⁿ. I sī tōa-lâng. In lóng hoaⁿ-hí chò pháiⁿ-lâng."

"Á lán lóng sī ‘Pháiⁿ-sè lah, góa chiâⁿ pháiⁿ-sè! Chin pháiⁿ-sè, tāi-chì bô oân-boán. Pháiⁿ-sè góa m̄-sī Shirley kln* Temple, kō͘ góa ê sió-bīn-chú hō͘ ta̍k-lâng hoaⁿ-hí.’" Chit-sî Samantha chin ū hèng-thâu, chi̍t-chhiú khui-chhia, chi̍t-chhiú pok-hun. [* kln = kàn-lín-niâ; Shirley Temple sī tiān-iáⁿ bêng-seng]

"Án-ne chin pi-ai."

"Góa hi-bāng góa ū chi̍t-ki lān-chiáu. Góa ū tha̍k chi̍t-phiⁿ bûn-chiuⁿ kóng, Sylvia Plath* sī khì hō͘ PMS** hāi-sí ê." [* Sylvia Plath: lú si-jîn; ** PMS: goe̍h-keng chêng ê chèng-thâu]

"Lí tio̍h sêng-jīn, sī Sylvia Plath hāi-sí Sylvia Plath."

"Oh, bián. Góa m̄-bián sêng-jīn sáⁿ-mih." Samantha khui-chhùi ǹg góa chhiò chi̍t-ē, chhiò kah chhùi khui-khui. Ū tāi-chì tng-teh hoat-tián. Goán chìn-ji̍p chi̍t-ê Samantha Sî-kan. Samantha kah-ì hì-kio̍k, tōa-sè lóng kah-ì. Goán iáu sī gín-á ê sî, yi chóng-sī kiû góa seng kiâⁿ, m̄-koh tán sî-kan kàu ê sî, yi tō chhun-chhiú cha̍h góa, ka-tī hiòng chêng chhiong chhut-khì, kip boeh chò bó͘-chióng tōa-táⁿ, gōng-tai, a̍h kî-koài ê tāi-chì. Taⁿ, yi thêng tī chi̍t-ê kau-gōa siā-khu tiong-kan, tī chi̍t-pâi kāng-khoán kāng-khoán ê chhù thâu-chêng, he chhù khàm-hiā, sī tián-hêng ê Taco-Bell sek-iūⁿ ê kiàn-bu̍t. Góa chù-ì tio̍h, Samantha ê chhiú the̍h chi̍t-tiuⁿ chóa. Téng-bīn siá:

KHIOH-TIO̍H: HAPA KÁU (PUG)

Jiân-āu ū chi̍t-ê tē-chí.

"Lí boeh tòe góa lâi bô?"

"Góa siūⁿ, sī lah."

Samantha chhōa-lō͘ lâi kàu chhù mn̂g-kháu. Yi chhi̍h mn̂g-lêng, chi̍t-ê tiong-liân cha-bó͘ lâi ìn-mn̂g, chhēng hiān-tāi-pán ê ûi-kûn: chi̍t-su ūn-tōng-saⁿ. Samantha chhiò chi̍t-ē, khai-sí kóng-ōe. Chāi góa thiaⁿ, yi kóng kah chin sêng-khún. Che chū-lâi sī yi ê thian-hūn -- soeh-ho̍k pa̍t-lâng. Jīm-hô chōng-hóng yi lóng kóng kah chin chhim-ji̍p, mā chin gâu thiu-thè. Góa siūⁿ, tō sī án-ne, yi bián kò͘-tēng ê chū-só͘, a̍h ún-tēng ê chit-gia̍p tō chin hó kòe-ji̍t, sui-bóng góa si̍t-chāi mā m̄-chai kīn-lâi yi sī án-nóa kòe-ji̍t.

"Goán tāi-khài sì-kang chêng phah-m̄-kiàn i (him) ê," Samantha kóng, chiàⁿ-bīn tùi hit-ê cha-bó͘, kim-kim khòaⁿ yi ê ba̍k-chiu. "Ū lâng-kheh lâi, in bô kā tōa-mn̂g koaiⁿ khí-lâi."

"Goán gō͘-kang chêng hoat-hiān chit-chiah káu," hit-ê cha-bó͘ kóng. Yi bô hòa-chong, ū chi̍t-ê phó͘-thong ê Tiong-se-pō͘ ê bīn; sī tiōng si̍t-chāi ê bīn, bē liáu sî-kan chò gōng-sū."

"Pài-it?"

"Sī ah."

"He tō sī goán kā i (him) phah-m̄-kiàn ê sî-kan."

Hit-ê cha-bó͘ ká-ná tùi Samantha ū gî-sim, m̄-koh yi kā sio-mo͘h ê siang-chhiú pàng lo̍h, pòaⁿ chhiò -- yi goān-ì siong-sìn. Yi boeh chiap-siū yi ê kóng-hoat. "Goán siūⁿ-kóng he sī bó-ê." 

"Tio̍h," Samantha pe̍h-chha̍t ê sî chóng-sī khin-sang koh bē làu-khùi. "Góa chai, he hō͘ lâng khùn-jiáu. Goán tit-tio̍h yi ê sî, goán chí-á chóng-sī kóng yi khòaⁿ khí-lâi ná sī kang-ê, só͘-í āu-lâi goán tō kā yi hō-chò Him*." Samantha chhiò chhut-lâi. [* him = lâm-sèng tē-3 jîn-cheng 'i' ê siū-ke.]

"Ta̍k-ê lóng ē hut m̄-tio̍h khì."

*

7. 阮 kā 她號做 Him

我想著 Ivan, 經過一日拚死拚活 ê 官司了後, 伊 ê 目頭平靜. "你知, 你拄著某人五分鐘, 你 tō 知影 in 規世人 m̄-bat 有罪惡感."

"好囝!" 她講.

"是 ah, 有一个好囝. 伊是大人. In lóng 歡喜做歹人."

"Á 咱 lóng 是 ‘歹勢 lah, 我誠歹勢! 真歹勢, 代誌無圓滿. 歹勢我毋是 Shirley kln* Temple, kō͘ 我 ê 小面子予逐人歡喜.’" 這時 Samantha 真有興頭, 一手開車, 一手噗薰. [* kln = kàn-lín-niâ; Shirley Temple 是電影明星]

"Án-ne 真悲哀."

"我希望我有一支 lān-chiáu. 我有讀一篇文章講, Sylvia Plath* 是去予 PMS** 害死 ê." [* Sylvia Plath: 女詩人; ** PMS: 月經前 ê 症頭]

"你著承認, 是 Sylvia Plath 害死 Sylvia Plath."

"Oh, 免. 我毋免承認啥物." Samantha 開喙 ǹg 我笑一下, 笑 kah 喙開開. 有代誌當 teh 發展. 阮進入一个 Samantha 時間. Samantha 佮意戲劇, 大細 lóng 佮意. 阮猶是囡仔 ê 時, 她總是求我先行, m̄-koh 等時間到 ê 時, 她 tō 伸手閘我, ka-tī 向前衝出去, 急欲做某種大膽, 戇呆, a̍h 奇怪 ê 代誌. 今, 她停 tī 一个郊外社區中間, tī 一排仝款仝款 ê 厝頭前, he 厝崁瓦, 是典型 ê Taco-Bell 式樣 ê 建物. 我注意著, Samantha ê 手提一張紙. 頂面寫:

抾著: HAPA 狗 (PUG)

然後有一个地址.

"你欲綴我來無?"

"我想, 是 lah."

Samantha chhōa 路來到厝門口. 她揤門鈴, 一个中年查某來應門, 穿現代版 ê 圍裙: 一軀運動衫. Samantha 笑一下, 開始講話. 在我聽, 她講 kah 真誠懇. 這自來是她 ê 天份 -- 說服別人. 任何狀況她 lóng 講 kah 真深入, mā 真 gâu 抽退. 我想, tō 是 án-ne, 她免固定 ê 住所, a̍h 穩定 ê 職業 tō 真好過日, 雖罔我實在 mā 毋知近來她是 án-nóa 過日.

"阮大概四工前拍毋見伊 (him) ê," Samantha 講, 正面對彼个查某, 金金看她 ê 目睭. "有人客來, in 無 kā 大門關起來."

"阮五工前發現這隻狗," 彼个查某講. 她無化妝, 有一个普通 ê 中西部 ê 面; 是重實在 ê 面, 袂了時間做戇事."

"拜一?"

"是 ah."

"彼 tō 是阮 kā 伊 (him) 拍毋見 ê 時間."

彼个查某 ká-ná 對 Samantha 有疑心, m̄-koh 她 kā sio-mo͘h ê 雙手放落, 半笑 -- 她願意相信. 她欲接受她 ê 講法. "阮想講彼是母 ê." 

"著," Samantha 白賊 ê 時總是輕鬆 koh 袂落氣. "我知, he 予人困擾. 阮得著她 ê 時, 阮姊仔總是講她看起來 ná 是公 ê, 所以後來阮 tō kā 她號做 Him*." Samantha 笑出來. [* him = 男性第 3 人稱 '伊' ê 受格.]

"逐个 lóng 會拂毋著去."

*

7.

I think of Ivan, his brow serene after a day of cutthroat litigation. "You know how you just meet some people, and after five minutes you can tell they've never felt guilty their whole lives?"

"Boys!" she says.

"Yeah, for one, boys. Grown men. They're happy being jerks."

"And then we're all, 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I'm sorry everything isn't perfect. I'm sorry I'm not Shirley fucking Temple making everyone happy with my little face.'" Samantha is excited now, steering with one hand and smoking with the other.

"It's pathetic."

"I wish I had a cock. I read an article that said PMS killed Sylvia Plath."

"You've gotta admit, Sylvia Plath killed Sylvia Plath."

"Oh no. I don't gotta admit anything." Samantha grins at me, a too-big grin. Something is going on. We are in for a Samantha Moment. Samantha loves dramas, big, small, whatever. When we were kids, Samantha would always beg me to go first, but when it came time she'd throw an arm across me and bolt forward, itching to do something daring or stupid or just strange. Now she stops in the middle of a suburban neighborhood, in front of a row of identical houses with tiled roofs, typical Taco Bell-style architecture. I notice that Samantha has a piece of paper in her hand. It says:

FOUND: PUG

And then there's an address.

"Are you coming with me?"

"I guess."

Samantha leads the way to the front door of the house. She rings the bell and a middle-aged woman answers wearing the modern-day version of the apron: a sweat suit. Samantha smiles and begins to speak. Even to me, she sounds sincere. This has always been her great talent -- convincing people. She can talk her way into and then back out of any situation. I think it's what enables her to live without any fixed address or steady job, though I'm not really sure how Samantha lives these days.

"We lost him about four days ago," Samantha says, facing the woman squarely, looking her in the eye. "We had guests and they left the gate open."

"We found the dog five days ago," the woman says. She has a plain Midwestern face, no makeup; a practical face without time for foolishness.

"Monday?"

"Yes."

"That's when we lost him."

The woman seems suspicious of Samantha, but then she uncrosses her arms and half smiles -- she wants to believe. She wants to be taken in. "We thought it was a female."

"Yes," Samantha is loose, seamless when she lies, "I know, it's confusing. When we got her my sister kept saying she looked like a him, so finally we just named her Him." Samantha laughs. "Everyone gets mixed up."

*

6. 你總是講 ‘彼誠趣味’

6. Lí chóng-sī kóng ‘He chiâⁿ chhù-bī’

Samantha hiat chi̍t-pau hun hō͘ góa. Góa khǹg chi̍t-ki tī chhùi, m̄-koh bô tiám-to̍h. Hām Samantha chò-hóe, góa chin khin-sang, chin kín kap yi ū kám-kak. Kám-kak góa sī yi ê chi̍t-pòaⁿ, á yi sī góa ê chi̍t-pòaⁿ. Kî-thaⁿ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ lóng khai-sí àm-tām, góa ná-ū ná-bô siūⁿ tio̍h Ivan, lâu tī pâng-keng, teh hian tha̍k bûn-kiāⁿ. Góa ná-ū ná-bô siūⁿ tio̍h siang-seⁿ-á gián-kiù-oân, teh siah in ê iân-pit, tán bîn-á chá-khí hóng-būn goán. Būn-tê: Lí kóng-ōe, pa̍t-lâng thiaⁿ ū bô? Tap-àn: Kan-ta goán sió-mōe.

"Lí khòaⁿ-māi leh, tī tò-pêng," yi kóng. "Thâu-mo͘ siâu (Hair sperm)."

He sī chi̍t-lông bē-tiûⁿ, ū chi̍t-keng chián-thâu-mo͘ tiàm kiò-chò "Thâu-mo͘ k Setto (Hair & Perm)" tī lō͘-piⁿ; chiâⁿ hāi, hit-ê ‘&’ hû-hō siá siuⁿ óa hit-jī "perm."

"He chiâⁿ chhù-bī."

"Lí chóng-sī kóng ‘He chiâⁿ chhù-bī’, m̄-koh bô chhiò."

"Góa chai, in-ūi lí chóng-sī bâi-oàn góa chhiò."

Góa phēng tī chhia-mn̂g, khòaⁿ Samantha. Yi ê thâu-mo͘ pí góa ê khah kim-n̂g, che sī sin ê tāi-chì, mā khah tōa-khò͘ ah. Yi chhēng phah-thih-á kho͘ hām kah-á, góa chhēng ê sī ū-phín-bī ê a-môa-pò͘ se-chong. Kāng-khoán, yi ū goán lóng ū ê tn̂g kha-thúi, ba̍t koh cha̍t ê thâu-mo͘, kim-n̂g ê phôe-hu pha̍k kah piàn chang-sek. Goán lóng sī chin hó-khòaⁿ ê cha-bó͘ -- che sī bē hut m̄-tio̍h khì ê. Sui-jiân ū kúi-nî Samantha ká-ná chīn-la̍t teh án-ne chò. Yi ê ba̍k-chiu teh khòaⁿ lō͘. Góa kiám-cha yi ê chhiú-kut, ká-ná ū khah kiat-si̍t. Bē-bái, kap téng-pái kāng-khoán, ū o͘-chheⁿ ê hûn-jiah.

"Lí siūⁿ-kóng, kì-jiân kau-khu bô bí-ha̍k ê kui-ōe, bô chhiūⁿ Haussmann ê Pairs a̍h Vienna a̍h tó-ūi hit-chióng kui-ōe, chit-chióng bô-kui-ōe sī chi̍t-chióng Siân (Zen), sī bô?" Samantha kā chhiū-leng-thn̂g tàn chhut chhia-thang. "Lí siūⁿ-kóng kau-khu, in-ūi bô jîn-lūi ê siat-kè, só͘-í sī Sîn ê kui-ōe ê chi̍t-chióng piáu-hiān?"

"Hmh, chin chē kau-khu lóng ū kui-ōe. Ū bē-chió ū chóng-thé kui-ōe ê siā-khu, chhin-chhiūⁿ Brasilia kap só͘-ū hiah-ê tī Ji̍t-kng-tòa ê thè-hiu sió-tìn."

"Góa lêng-khó sī chi̍t-ê lô͘-lē tòa tī ū chóng-thé kui-ōe ê siā-khu."

"He khó-lêng tùi lí ū hó-chhù."

"Góa ē-sái thoat-khui góa ê phôe lāi-khò͘." Samantha í-keng chhōa goán lī-khui Fresno boeh sí m̄-oa̍h ê chhī-khu, lâi kàu i ê heng-ōng ê chiu-ûi. Chia ê kau-khu khòaⁿ khí-lâi kap choân-kok kok-tē ê kau-khu lóng kāng-khoán -- kāng-khoán ê siong-tiàm, kāng-khoán ê liân-só chhan-thiaⁿ, thê-kiong kāng-khoán ê chia̍h-mi̍h. Goán m̄-sī ûi-it ê ho̍k-chè-phín.

"Lí kám chai, góa chin-chiàⁿ hi-bāng ê sī sáⁿ?" Samantha ê siaⁿ-im ē chùn. "Góa hi-bāng góa seng-oa̍h tī bô-lâng chai-iáⁿ án-nóa kám-kak tāi-chì ê sè-kài."

"Chin ê? He chiâⁿ kî-koài. Bô kám-kak ê sè-kài sī seⁿ-chò sáⁿ-khoán?"

"M̄-sī bô kám-kak ê sè-kài," Samantha kái-soeh kóng, "he sī chi̍t-ê bô-lâng chai-iáⁿ án-nóa kám-kak ê sè-kài. Bô hoán-séng. Bô chū-ngó͘ hoán-séng."

"Bô bē-sóng ê kám-kak."

"Bô chōe-ok-kám," Samantha kóng. "Lâng-lâng kan-ta chò tāi-chì, chū án-ne lâng-lâng tùi ka-tī chiâⁿ boán-chiok."

*

6. 你總是講 ‘彼誠趣味’

Samantha 㧒一包薰予我. 我囥一支 tī 喙, m̄-koh 無點 to̍h. 和 Samantha 做伙, 我真輕鬆, 真緊 kap 她有感覺. 感覺我是她 ê 一半, á 她是我 ê 一半. 其他 ê 物件 lóng 開始暗淡, 我那有那無想著 Ivan, 留 tī 房間, teh 掀讀文件. 我那有那無想著雙生仔研究員, teh 削 in ê 鉛筆, 等明仔早起訪問阮. 問題: 你講話, 別人聽有無? 答案: 干焦阮小妹.

"你看覓 leh, tī 倒爿," 她講. "頭毛潲 (Hair sperm)."

彼是一 lông 賣場, 有一間剪頭毛店叫做 "頭毛 k Setto (Hair & Perm)" tī 路邊; 誠害, 彼个 ‘&’ 符號寫 siuⁿ 倚彼字 "perm."

"彼誠趣味."

"你總是講 ‘彼誠趣味’, m̄-koh 無笑."

"我知, 因為你總是埋怨我笑."

我 phēng tī 車門, 看 Samantha. 她 ê 頭毛比我 ê 較金黃, 這是新 ê 代誌, mā 較大箍 ah. 她穿拍鐵仔褲和䘥仔, 我穿 ê 是有品味 ê 亞麻布西裝. 仝款, 她有阮 lóng 有 ê 長跤腿, 密 koh cha̍t ê 頭毛, 金黃 ê 皮膚曝 kah 變棕色. 阮 lóng 是真好看 ê 查某 -- 這是袂拂毋著去 ê. 雖然有幾年 Samantha ká-ná 盡力 teh án-ne 做. 她 ê 目睭 teh 看路. 我檢查她 ê 手骨, ká-ná 有較結實. 袂䆀, kap 頂擺仝款, 有烏青 ê 痕跡.

"你想講, 既然郊區無美學 ê 規劃, 無像 Haussmann ê Pairs a̍h Vienna a̍h 佗位彼種規劃, 這種無規劃是一種禪 (Zen), 是無?" Samantha kā 樹奶糖擲出車窗. "你想講郊區, 因為無人類 ê 設計, 所以是神 ê 規劃 ê 一種表現?"

"Hmh, 真濟郊區 lóng 有規劃. 有袂少有總體規劃 ê 社區, 親像 Brasilia kap 所有 hiah-ê tī 日光帶 ê 退休小鎮."

"我寧可是一个奴隸蹛 tī 有總體規劃 ê 社區."

"彼可能對你有好處."

"我會使脫開我 ê 皮內褲." Samantha 已經 chhōa 阮離開 Fresno 欲死毋活 ê 市區, 來到伊 ê 興旺 ê 周圍. Chia ê 郊區看起來 kap 全國各地 ê 郊區 lóng 仝款 -- 仝款 ê 商店, 仝款 ê 連鎖餐廳, 提供仝款 ê 食物. 阮毋是唯一 ê 複製品.

"你敢知, 我真正希望 ê 是啥?" Samantha ê 聲音會顫. "我希望我生活 tī 無人知影 án-nóa 感覺代誌 ê 世界."

"真 ê? 彼誠奇怪. 無感覺 ê 世界是生做啥款?"

"毋是無感覺 ê 世界," Samantha 解說講, "彼是一个無人知影 án-nóa 感覺 ê 世界. 無反省. 無自我反省."

"無袂爽 ê 感覺."

"無罪惡感," Samantha 講. "人人干焦做代誌, 自 án-ne 人人對 ka-tī 誠滿足."

*

6.

Samantha tosses me a pack of cigarettes. I put one in my mouth but don't light it. It feels so easy, to just fall into things with Samantha. It feels so easy to just be half of her and let her be half of me. Everything else begins to get dimmer. I half-think of Ivan, back in the room, leafing through papers. I half-think of the twin researchers, sharpening their pencils, waiting to interview us in the morning. Question: Do people understand you when you speak? Answer: Only my sister.

"Check this out, up here on the left," she says. "Hair sperm."

There's a strip mall with a haircutting place called "Hair & Perm" beside the road; the ampersand has been placed unfortunately close to the word "perm."

"That's really funny."

"You always say 'That's really funny' instead of laughing."

"I know, because you always complain about it."

I lean against the car door and look over at Samantha. She's blonder than I am, which is new, and certainly grubbier, wearing jeans and a tank top vs. my tasteful little linen suit. As always, she has our long legs and thick hair and golden skin that tans out to a flat brown. We are nice-looking girls -- it's hard to mess that up. Though some years it seems like Samantha is trying her best to. She keeps her eyes on the road. I check her arms. They look muscular. Not bad, like they were last time, bruised with track marks.

"Do you think, since there's no aesthetic plan in the suburbs, like there was in Haussmann's Paris or Vienna or wherever, that this planlessness is Zen?" Samantha chucks her gum out the window. "Do you think the suburbs, with their lack of human design, are an expression of God's plan?"

"Well, a lot of suburbs are planned. There are master-planned communities, like Brasilia and all those retirement towns in the Sunbelt."

"I would like to be a slave in a master-planned community."

"That might be good for you."

"I could break out my leather underwear." Samantha has piloted us out of Fresno's dying downtown and into its thriving sprawl. The suburbs here look the same as the suburbs anywhere in the country -- the same stores, the same chain restaurants serving the same chain food. We're not the only clones.

"You know what I really wish?" There's a tremor to Samantha's voice. "I wish I lived in a world where nobody knew how they felt about anything."

"Really? That's weird. What would a world without feeling be like?"

"It wouldn't be a world without feeling," Samantha explains, "it would be a world where no one knew how they felt. No reflection. No self-reflection."

"No unhappy feelings."

"No guilt," says Samantha. "People would just do things and then feel really satisfied with themselves."

*

5. Ká-ná 她駛規日 ê 車

5. Ká-ná yi sái kui-ji̍t ê chhia

Sió-mōe kap góa kòe-khì ū khah hó ê ji̍t-chí. Chit-hāng tāi-chì siang-seⁿ-á gián-kiù-oân bē kā goán mn̄g, sui-bóng in mn̄g goán chin chē tāi-chì -- goán ê si̍p-koàn, sim-lí chōng-thài, ài-chêng, kap siu-ji̍p -- in mā kā goán thiu-hoeh, niû goán ê náu-pho, téng-téng. M̄-koh, in bô mn̄g tâng-chê khòaⁿ chá-khí-sî ê manga, tī kāng-khoán só͘-chāi chhiò, a̍h kín-kín cháu kòe goán chhù āu-piah ê chhiūⁿ-chhiū kha, a̍h iáu-sī sè-hàn chă-gín-á ê sî chham-ka chúi-siōng balet-bú ê oân-bí it-tì tōng-chok. In mā bô mn̄g, ùi ka-tī ê siang-têng hêng-siōng chhéⁿ lâi, hoat-hiān nn̄g-lâng tú-tú kāng-khoán bîn-bāng tio̍h tōa-hái thun-chia̍h hái-hōaⁿ hit-sî ê kám-kak sī sáⁿ-khoán. In bô mn̄g goán ê chhin-bi̍t koan-hē, hit-chióng oh-tit siong-sìn, khó-phà ê chhin-bi̍t koan-hē. A̍h-sī, hit-chióng sit-khì koan-hē ê kám-kak sī sáⁿ-khoán.

- - -

Góa kám-kak sim bē pêng-chēng, tō lo̍h-lâu khì hām kî-thaⁿ ê siang-seⁿ-á tī tōa-thiaⁿ lin-long se̍h. Lóng bô khòaⁿ-e Samantha. Niau-ông hām i hit-ê m̄-sī niau-ông ê siang-seⁿ-á chē tī phòng-í hian chi̍t-pún siòng-phō͘. Góa ê pak-tó͘ tuh-tuh, góa tō khì pa-tâi tiám chi̍t-poe gû-leng.

Chiú-pó seⁿ-chò phòng-phôe, m̄-koh chin hó-khòaⁿ, sī chi̍t-ê chia̍h siuⁿ chē ê chng-kha ko͘-niû, chhēng chi̍t-niá poliester kah-á. Yi ìn góa kóng "Sáⁿ-mih?"

"Gû-leng."

"Sáⁿ-mih?" 

"Gû-leng."

Goán án-ne lâi-lâi khì-khì kóng tāi-khài sì piàn, āu-lâi góa pó͘-chhiong kóng, "Ùi leng-gû lâi ê leng." Gián-kiù jîn-oân mā bē mn̄g chit-khoán būn-tê: Lí kóng-ōe, pa̍t-lâng thiaⁿ ū bô? Chiú-pó kă kóng, góa tio̍h khì kapi thiaⁿ chhì khòaⁿ-māi. Góa bô khì, góa kiâⁿ chhut lí-koán, lâi kàu khòng-khoah ê mn̂g-kháu -- tī tōa-hêng konkuli ji̍t-jia ē-bīn ê chi̍t-tiâu khan-tòa ê jîn-hêng-tō. Samantha tú-hó tī hia, chē tī chi̍t-tâi phah khang-sok ê Impala lāi-bīn, he sī chi̍t-tâi 60 nî-tāi siuⁿ-á-hêng ê chhia. Yi ná teh pok-hun, mā teh pō͘ chhiū-leng-thn̂g. Yi ê thâu-mo͘ siám kim-n̂g, koh kat kui-khiû, ká-ná yi sái kui-ji̍t ê chhia. Góa siūⁿ yi sī teh tán góa. Yi sái kòe-lâi, phah-khui sêng-kheh-chō ê mn̂g.

"Ji̍p-lâi."

Góa chiūⁿ-chhia, yi kā chhia ji̍p gí-á. Tō sī án-ne niâ -- ta̍h lī lō͘, peh chhiūⁿ chhia, goán nn̄g-lâng iū-koh chò-hóe.

"Lí kám chai, góa bē liáu-kái ê sī sáⁿ?"

Bián chio-ho͘, bián kóng kòe-óng. Chóng-sī chit-lō khoán.

"Góa bē liáu-kái, ná ē bô kià-khǹg thióng-bu̍t ê só͘-chāi." Yi kā thang-á pàng lo̍h, chhiú chhun chhut-khì. "Án-ne, lâng-kheh tō m̄-bián koán-kò͘ ka-tī ê thióng-bu̍t. Lán kan-ta kau-chîⁿ, tō ē-sái kā káu pàng-ji̍p chi̍t-ê mn̂g-tiâⁿ, khì hām chē-chē súi koh phòng ê kim-mo͘ la̍h-káu, ian-chhiâng káu-á-kiáⁿ téng-téng chò-hóe."

"Tio̍h ài ū-lâng hū-chek chheng káu-sái," góa kóng.

"M̄-sī góa, góa ū la̍p-chîⁿ."

Góa siūⁿ chi̍t-ē. "He si̍t-chāi mā sī bē-bái ê siūⁿ-hoat. Mā ē-sái siat chi̍t-ê niau-á khu."

*

5. Ká-ná 她駛規日 ê 車

小妹 kap 我過去有較好 ê 日子. 這項代誌雙生仔研究員袂 kā 阮問, 雖罔 in 問阮真濟代誌 -- 阮 ê 習慣, 心理狀態, 愛情, kap 收入 -- in mā kā 阮抽血, 量阮 ê 腦波, 等等. M̄-koh, in 無問同齊看早起時 ê manga, tī 仝款所在笑, a̍h 緊緊走過阮厝後壁 ê 橡樹跤, a̍h 猶是細漢 chă 囡仔 ê 時參加水上 balet 舞 ê 完美一致動作. In mā 無問, ùi ka-tī ê 雙重形象醒來, 發現兩人拄拄仝款眠夢著大海吞食海岸彼時 ê 感覺是啥款. In 無問阮 ê 親密關係, 彼種僫得相信, 可怕 ê 親密關係. A̍h 是, 彼種失去關係 ê 感覺是啥款.

- - -

我感覺心袂平靜, tō 落樓去和其他 ê 雙生仔 tī 大廳 lin-long 踅. Lóng 無看 e Samantha. 貓王和伊彼个毋是貓王 ê 雙生仔坐 tī 膨椅掀一本相簿. 我 ê 腹肚 tuh-tuh, 我 tō 去吧台點一杯牛奶.

酒保生做膨皮, m̄-koh 真好看, 是一个食 siuⁿ 濟 ê 庄跤姑娘, 穿一領 poliester 䘥仔. 她應我講 "啥物?"

"牛奶."

"啥物?" 

"牛奶."

阮 án-ne 來來去去講大概四遍, 後來我補充講, "Ùi 奶牛來 ê 奶." 研究人員 mā 袂問這款問題: 你講話, 別人聽有無? 酒保 kă 講, 我著去 kapi 廳試看覓. 我無去, 我行出旅館, 來到曠闊 ê 門口 -- tī 大型 konkuli 日遮下面 ê 一條牽帶 ê 人行道. Samantha 拄好 tī hia, 坐 tī 一台拍空速 ê Impala 內面, 彼是一台 60 年代箱仔型 ê 車. 她 ná teh 噗薰, mā teh 哺樹奶糖. 她 ê 頭毛閃金黃, koh 結規 khiû, ká-ná 她駛規日 ê 車. 我想她是 teh 等我. 她駛過來, 拍開乘客座 ê 門.

"入來."

我上車, 她 kā 車入 gí-á. Tō 是 án-ne niâ -- 踏離路, peh 上車, 阮兩人又 koh 做伙.

"你敢知, 我袂了解 ê 是啥?"

免招呼, 免講過往. 總是 chit-lō 款.

"我袂了解, 那會無寄囥寵物 ê 所在." 她 kā 窗仔放落, 手伸出去. "Án-ne, 人客 tō 毋免管顧 ka-tī ê 寵物. 咱干焦交錢, tō 會使 kā 狗放入一个門埕, 去和濟濟媠 koh 膨 ê 金毛獵狗, 煙腸狗仔囝等等做伙."

"著愛有人負責清狗屎," 我講.

"毋是我, 我有納錢."

我想一下. "彼實在 mā 是袂䆀 ê 想法. Mā 會使設一个貓仔區."

*

5.

My sister and I used to have better days. That's one thing the twin researchers don't ask us about, though they ask us about many things -- our habits, states of mind, loves, and incomes -- and they take our blood and measure our brainwaves and so forth. But they don't ask about watching early morning cartoons together, laughing at all the same parts, or running apace through the oaks behind our house, or the perfectly synchronized water ballet routines we made up as little girls. They don't ask what it's like to wake up to one's own double image, realizing you've both just had the same dream about the ocean swallowing the shoreline. They don't ask about the intimacy, the incredible, terrifying intimacy. Or what it's like when it's gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I feel restless, so I go down to mill about with the other twins in the lobby. Samantha is nowhere in sight. The Elvis and his non-Elvis twin are sitting on a couch, leafing through a photo album. My stomach is bothering me, so I go to the bar and order a glass of milk.

The bartender is puffy but pretty, an overfed farm girl in a polyester vest. She answers me with a "What?"

"Milk."

"What?"

"Milk."

We go back and forth about four times before I add, "It comes from cows." The researchers don't ask about this either. Do people understand you when you speak? The bartender tells me that I'll have to try the coffee shop. Instead, I wander out of the hotel, to the cavernous entryway -- a ribbon of sidewalk crouching under a huge concrete awning. And there is Samantha, sitting in an idling Impala, a boxy number from the sixties. She's smoking a cigarette and chewing gum, her hair streaked blond and clumped, like she's been driving all day. I guess she's been waiting for me. She slides over and opens the passenger door.

"Come on."

I get in and she puts the car in gear. That's all it takes -- just stepping off the curb, into a car, and it's the two of us once again.

"You know what I don't get?"

No hellos, no catching up. It's always like this.

"I don't get why there are no dog petting zoos." She rolls down the window and lets her arm hang out. "Then nobody would have to be responsible for one full time. We could just pay our money and go into a yard full of really nice, fluffy golden retrievers and dachshund puppies or whatever."

"Someone would have to clean up all the shit," I say.

"Not me. I paid my money."

I think about it. "That's actually kind of a good idea. There could be a cat section too."

*

4. Samantha 猶未報到

4. Samantha iáu-bōe pò-tò

"Hiah-ê hàu-tai chhân-hn̂g sī sáⁿ?" In-ūi tàu hīⁿ-ki, i kóng kah chiok tōa-siaⁿ.

Ivan kā hīⁿ-ki ùi i ê thâu-khak sak khui. "Lí ê chia̍h-mi̍h sī ùi hia lâi ê," i kā kóng. "Nā-bô, lí siūⁿ-kóng sī ùi tó-ūi lâi ê?"

Jason khòaⁿ khí-lâi sêng in lāu-pē, m̄-koh khòaⁿ tio̍h khah jiû-hô, khah lok-sōng, che sī in-ūi nî-lêng hām i ū thâu-chang, i ê thâu-chang iû-iû, tn̂g kah khàm tio̍h ba̍k-chiu. Góa m̄-chai i ná ē ū hoat-tō͘ iū ut-chut, iū oa̍h-thiàu -- che sī i ê horúmon kap Clearasil bīn-song só͘ ín-khí ê. Tī tiān-thui nih, góa kám-kak ē tio̍h, i teh khòaⁿ góa ê heng-khám. Tiān-thui mn̂g khui, góa chiah kòe-sim. Goán tâng-chê kiâⁿ kòe cháu-lông. Lana í-keng thè goán kā thò-pâng ōaⁿ chò nn̄g-keng sio-liâm ê pâng-keng. Ivan chhōa Jason khì i ê pâng-keng, kā mn̂g koaiⁿ hó. Goán ê pâng-keng sī bê-lâng ê nâ-sek chú-tiāu. Nâ-sek ê chhn̂g-toaⁿ. Nâ-sek ê tē-thán.

"Tī Fresno kòe chi̍t-ê romántik ê chiu-boa̍t." Ivan ná kóng ná kā góa khiú óa, "kan-ta lán saⁿ-ê."

Goán chiah kiat-hun la̍k kò goe̍h, só͘-í Ivan tiāⁿ-tiāⁿ án-ne chò, kā góa khiú óa, téng-téng. Tong-jiân góa kah-ì án-ne; góa kah-ì i ê thì-chhiu-chúi. Sui-bóng tī chit-ê sî-chūn, góa khah bô him-sióng Ivan, koh-khah koan-sim chi̍t-ê siūⁿ-hoat: góa boeh kā tián hō͘ Samantha khòaⁿ. Oh, Thiⁿ ah. Khòaⁿ góa ū gōa chèng-siông? Gōa chán, gōa hó-gia̍h, gōa ún-tēng, gōa chèng-siông? Bô khok mn̂g, Jason chông ji̍p-lâi goán ê pâng-keng, thiàu chiūⁿ goán ê bîn-chhn̂g. I chhēng iû-éng-khò͘, sán-sán ê kha-chiah-phiaⁿ ū kúi lia̍p-á thiāu-á-chí. I ná niau-á án-ne nòa kha-chiah-phiaⁿ. "Lín sió-mōe seⁿ-chò ū sêng lí bô?"

"Chiâⁿ sêng. Yi ê thâu-mo͘ pêng-siông sī bô kāng ê." Tong-jiân góa bô kóng goán ê leng. Góa ê khah tōa. Góa bat chò kòe chhiú-su̍t.

"He, Pă, lí kám bē kám-kak án-ne chin koài?"

"Bē."

"Góa kám-kak chin koài."

Ivan kek chi̍t-ê lán-lán ê kháu-khì. "Oke, Jason, sī án-nóa lí kám-kak án-ne chin koài?"

"Hmh, lí chhōa yi. Hoān-sè lí ē hō͘ yin sió-mōe bê tio̍h. Hoān-sè lí ē siūⁿ boeh bong yi ê kha-chhng, tō ná-chhiūⁿ lí chhiâng-chāi ài bong Amanda ê kha-chhng kāng-khoán."

"Tiām khì!" Ivan hoah siaⁿ. "Kín lī-khui. Khì iû-éng-tî." I kā Jason kóaⁿ chhut-khì, tōa-la̍t koaiⁿ keh-keng ê mn̂g.

I put-kò sī boeh ín-khí lí ê chù-ì, góa án-ne kā ka-tī kóng, m̄-koh góa bô kóng hō͘ Ivan thiaⁿ. Góa bô boeh ūi chit-ê sió koài-bu̍t chò tiong-lâng. Ivan ùi kong-sū-pau the̍h chhut chi̍t-kóa khang-khòe, chē lo̍h chi̍t-tè í-á. Chit chōa lō͘, i m̄-sī kan-ta lâi thit-thô -- he bô sêng Ivan. I tī Fresno ū seng-lí ài chò, hām chi̍t-kóa kheh-hō͘, a̍h chi̍t-kóa kiàn-bu̍t, a̍h chi̍t-kóa kim-chîⁿ ê kau-e̍k. Ivan bē-giàn kā góa kái-soeh in kong-si ê ūn-chok ki-chè. Goán kám-kak án-ne sió-khóa romántik, bē-su i sī teh thè o͘-siā-hōe chò sit-thâu. I teh tha̍k bûn-kiāⁿ ê sî, góa koh chi̍t-pái khà tiān-ōe khì teng-kì-tâi. Bô, tan-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á Samantha 173 iáu-bōe pò-tò. Iáu-bōe.

*

4. Samantha 猶未報到

"Hiah-ê 孝呆田園是啥?" 因為鬥耳機, 伊講 kah 足大聲.

Ivan kā 耳機 ùi 伊 ê 頭殼捒開. "你 ê 食物是 ùi hia 來 ê," 伊 kā 講. "若無, 你想講是 ùi 佗位來 ê?"

Jason 看起來成 in 老爸, m̄-koh 看著較柔和, 較 lok-sōng, 這是因為年齡和伊有頭鬃, 伊 ê 頭鬃油油, 長 kah 崁著目睭. 我毋知伊那會有法度又鬱卒, 又活跳 -- 這是伊 ê horúmon kap Clearasil 面霜所引起 ê. Tī 電梯 nih, 我感覺會著, 伊 teh 看我 ê 胸坎. 電梯門開, 我才過心. 阮同齊行過走廊. Lana 已經替阮 kā 套房換做兩間相黏 ê 房間. Ivan chhōa Jason 去伊 ê 房間, kā 門關好. 阮 ê 房間是迷人 ê 藍色主調. 藍色 ê 床單. 藍色 ê 地毯.

"Tī Fresno 過一个 romántik ê 週末." Ivan ná 講 ná kā 我搝倚, "干焦咱三个."

阮才結婚六個月, 所以 Ivan 定定 án-ne 做, kā 我搝倚, 等等. 當然我佮意 án-ne; 我佮意伊 ê 剃鬚水. 雖罔 tī 這个時陣, 我較無欣賞 Ivan, koh 較關心一个想法: 我欲 kā 展予 Samantha 看. Oh, 天 ah. 看我有偌正常? 偌讚, 偌好額, 偌穩定, 偌正常? 無硞門, Jason 傱入來阮 ê 房間, 跳上阮 ê 眠床. 伊穿游泳褲, 瘦瘦 ê 尻脊骿有幾粒仔柱仔子. 伊 ná 貓仔 án-ne nòa 尻脊骿. "恁小妹生做有成你無?"

"誠成. 她 ê 頭毛平常是無仝 ê." 當然我無講阮 ê 奶. 我 ê 較大. 我 bat 做過手術.

"He, Pă, 你敢袂感覺 án-ne 真怪?"

"袂."

"我感覺真怪."

Ivan 激一个懶懶 ê 口氣. "Oke, Jason, 是 án-nóa 你感覺 án-ne 真怪?"

"Hmh, 你娶她. 凡勢你會予 yin 小妹迷著. 凡勢你會想欲摸她 ê 尻川, tō ná 像你常在愛摸 Amanda ê 尻川仝款."

"恬去!" Ivan 喝聲. "緊離開. 去游泳池." 伊 kā Jason 趕出去, 大力關隔間 ê 門.

伊不過是欲引起你 ê 注意, 我 án-ne kā ka-tī 講, m̄-koh 我無講予 Ivan 聽. 我無欲為這个小怪物做中人. Ivan ùi 公事包提出一寡 khang-khòe, 坐落一塊椅仔. 這逝路, 伊毋是干焦來 thit-thô -- he 無成 Ivan. 伊 tī Fresno 有生理愛做, 和一寡客戶, a̍h 一寡建物, a̍h 一寡金錢 ê 交易. Ivan 袂癮 kā 我解說 in 公司 ê 運作機制. 阮感覺 án-ne 小可 romántik, 袂輸伊是 teh 替烏社會做穡頭. 伊 teh 讀文件 ê 時, 我 koh 一擺敲電話去登記台. 無, 單卵雙生仔 Samantha 173 猶未報到. 猶未.

*

4.

"What's with all the stupid farms?" Due to the CD player, Jason is yelling.

Ivan stretches the headphones away from his head. "That's where your food comes from," he tells him. "Where did you think?"

Jason looks like his dad, but softer, moppish, due to his age and also the fact that he has hair -- which is greasy and falls into his eyes. I don't know how he manages to be simultaneously sullen and hyper -- it's some trick he does with hormones and Clearasil. In the elevator, I can feel him staring at my breasts. I'm relieved when the doors open. We all tromp down the hall. Lana has managed to exchange our suite for two adjoining rooms. Ivan ushers Jason into his room and shuts his door. Our room sports an intriguing blue theme. Blue bedspread. Blue carpet.

"A romantic weekend in Fresno," says Ivan, pulling me close, "just the three of us."

We've only been married six months so Ivan does a lot of this, pulling me close and so forth. I like it, of course; I love his aftershave. Though at this moment I find myself less appreciative of Ivan and more focused on an idea: I want to show him off to Samantha. Oh God. See how normal I am? See how nice and rich and stable and normal? Without a knock, Jason barrels through the door and jumps onto our bed. He's wearing his swim trunks, and his skinny back is dotted with acne. He rolls onto his back in a kittenish way. "Does your sister look like you?"

"Pretty much. Her hair is usually different." I don't say anything about our breasts, of course. Mine are bigger. I had an operation.

"Hey Dad, don't you think that's weird?"

"No."

"I think it's weird."

Ivan adopts a weary tone. "Okay Jason, why do you think it's weird?"

"Well, you married her. Maybe you'll be attracted to her sister. Maybe you'll want to grab her ass like you're always grabbing Amanda's."

"Enough!" shouts Ivan. "Get out of here. Go to the pool." He chases Jason out and slams the door to the adjoining room.

He just wants your attention, I say to myself, but I don't say it to Ivan. I'm not about to intercede on the little monster's behalf. Ivan takes some work out of his briefcase and settles into a chair. He hasn't come along on this trip just for pleasure -- that wouldn't be like Ivan. He has some business to do in Fresno, some deal with some client or some building or some pile of money. Ivan doesn't bother to explain the mechanics of his firm's doings to me. I find this slightly romantic, as if he's working for gangsters. While he skims his papers I give the registration desk one more call. No, Monozygotic Samantha 173 has not checked in. Not yet.

*

3. 莫叫她 Mă

3. Mài kiò yi Mă

LÍ CHIN TE̍K-PIA̍T!!!

TĪ CALIFORNIA SIANG-SEⁿ-Á GIÁN-KIÙ Ê 20 NÎ TIONG-KAN, GOÁN SIU-CHI̍P TĀI-LIŌNG Ê SÌN-SIT, TÙI KHO-HA̍K, SIĀ-HŌE KHO-HA̍K, KAP I-HA̍K LÓNG Ū CHIN TŌA Ê PANG-CHĀN. Ū-Ê GOÁN ÙI CHHAM-KA-CHIÁ TIT-TIO̍H Ê SÒ͘-KÌ, TÙI LÁN LIÁU-KÁI Ē-BĪN Ê SŪ-HĀNG CHIN Ū LĪ-EK:

ÛI-THOÂN-HA̍K

GÂM-CHÈNG

LĀU-HÒA HĀM LĀU-LÂNG-I-HA̍K

SIM-LÍ KIĀN-KHONG

PIÀN-HÒA TIONG Ê BÍ-KOK KA-TÊNG.

Koh-loeh ê chiu-boa̍t sī siang-nn̄g ê siang-seⁿ-á, in sī pí-phēng-cho͘. Lán chit-ê chiu-boa̍t sī tan-nn̄g, its* kāng-nn̄g ê siang-seⁿ-á, lán sī gián-kiù-cho͘. Lí-koán ê tōa-thiaⁿ í-keng kheh tīⁿ-tīⁿ chi̍t-tùi chi̍t-tùi ê 30 gōa hòe ê lâng, in khòaⁿ tio̍h m̄-sī sió-khóa sio-kāng tō sī oân-choân sio-kāng. Ū-sî sī kāng-khoán ê bīn chhāi tī bô-kāng ê sin-khu téng -- kî-tiong chi̍t-ê siang-seⁿ-á pí iáu chi̍t-ê khah pûi, a̍h sī kî-tiong chi̍t-ê siang-seⁿ-á í-keng chham-ka kiān-sin ūn-tōng. Óng-óng mā sī kāng bīn bô kāng thâu-mo͘ sek, thâu-mo͘ tn̂g-tō͘, chhùi-chhiu, a̍h sī pa̍t-ūi ê mo͘. Ū chi̍t-tùi siang-seⁿ-á sī Niau-ông Elvis ê bô͘-hóng-chiá -- che chi̍t khòaⁿ tō chai. Iáu ū hiah-ê kāng-khoán kāng-khoán ê siang-seⁿ-á. In tī tōa-thiaⁿ se̍h lâi se̍h khì, nn̄g-ê nn̄g-ê chò-hóe khai-káng, a̍h sī ná hîm sio-siâm án-ne phah-chio-ho͘, khòaⁿ tio̍h ū-kàu kî-koài. Kap tōa-pō͘-hūn ê lâng kāng-khoán, góa mā hán-tit tú tio̍h siang-seⁿ-á tōa-lâng. In khòaⁿ tio̍h lóng chiâⁿ tōa-hàn. Lán-lâng khòaⁿ tio̍h ê siang-seⁿ-á m̄-sī eⁿ-á tō sī gín-á, chă-gín-á chhēng kāng-khoán ê saⁿ-á, cha-po͘ gín-á tì kāng-khoán ê bō-á; siang-seⁿ-á tōa-lâng ká-ná koài-koài, chāi góa khòaⁿ mā-sī án-ne. M̄-koh, goán lóng lâi tī chia. Goán tiong-kan ū-ê lâng tōng-chok kāng-khoán, iōng kāng-khoán ê chhiú-sè. Goán ê thâu-náu mā seⁿ-chò kāng-khoán. Che sī ûi-thoân-ha̍k ê pá-hì, sī chi̍t-ê lah-sap pá-hì. [* its = iā-tō-sī]

Góa khì khó-phà ê thiⁿ-chéⁿ hn̄g-hn̄g hit thâu ê teng-kì-tâi niá góa ê miâ-pâi. Téng-bīn siá MZ: AMANDA 173. Che tō sī góa, tan-nn̄g siang-seⁿ-á (Monozygotic) Amanda.

"MZ Samantha 173 lâi niá yi ê miâ-pâi bōe?"

Pān-sū-oân kă kóng, iáu-bōe. Tong-jiân, Samantha sī m̄-sī ē chhut-hiān tī chiah-ê chiu-boa̍t, kan-ta thiⁿ chiah chai. M̄-koh yi chóng-sī ū lâi. Yi it-poaⁿ su-iàu chit-ê chîⁿ.

Jason hām Ivan chē tī tōa-thiaⁿ ê phòng-í, nn̄g-lâng bô sio-chhap. "Chia chiâⁿ àu." Jason kóng. Khak-si̍t, lí-koán kap kòe-khì kāng-khoán àu-kó͘, sui-bóng téng-kái lâi liáu, in í-keng kā gōa-bīn chhat chò hún-âng-á sek ê.

"Hoān-sè lí ē kah-ì iû-éng-tî!" góa chhiò hi-hi kā kóng.

Jason mā tùi góa chhiò chi̍t-ē. "Hehe, Mă, hoān-sè góa ē!"

"Mài kiò yi Mă," Ivan kóng.

"Sī án-nóa mài? Góa siūⁿ-kóng, góa kiò yi Mă, lí ē chin hoaⁿ-hí."

"Hó ah. Mài koh kiò ah."

Ivan chhēng se-chong. Ivan chóng-sī chhēng se-chong. Jason chhēng khoah long-long ê té saⁿ-khò͘, ká-ná kiōng boeh kā i he sè-lia̍p-chí ê sin-khu pau ji̍p-khì -- kui-ê kha-thâu-u kap chhiú-āu-khiau. I kā ka-tī ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ chng tī chi̍t-ê chóa-tē-á nih, tē-á téng ìn chi̍t-keng kiān-khong si̍t-phín tiàm ê miâ. Tī chit-lō bô-siá-sì ê sió só͘-chāi, góa khòaⁿ tio̍h in lāu-bú ê sok-iáⁿ: chi̍t-ê tī Ivan tú tio̍h góa chêng-āu só͘ pàng-sak ê tio̍h-bôa, sim-hoân, koh lio̍h-á pûi ê cha-bó͘. Jason mā chah chi̍t-ê lián-pang (skateboard) hām chi̍t-ê tàu hīⁿ-ki ê CD im-ga̍k-ki, siaⁿ-liōng khui chin tōa, tiān-thui-mn̂g chi̍t-ē koaiⁿ khí-lâi, góa tō thiaⁿ ē-tio̍h siaⁿ. Góa nā bô thiaⁿ m̄-tio̍h khì, he sī chi̍t-ê cha-bó͘ tī i ê hīⁿ-khang hiu "Kàn, mài koh thiàⁿ ah" chit-kù ōe.

*

3. 莫叫她 Mă

你真特別!!!

TĪ California 雙生仔研究 Ê 20 年中間, 阮收集大量 Ê 信息, TÙI 科學, 社會科學, KAP 醫學 LÓNG 有真大 Ê 幫贊. 有 Ê 阮 ÙI 參加者得著 Ê 數據, 對咱了解下面 Ê 事項真有利益:

遺傳學

癌症

老化 HĀM 老人醫學

心理健康

變化中 Ê 美國家庭.

Koh-loeh ê 週末是雙卵 ê 雙生仔, in 是比並組. 咱這个週末是單卵, its* 仝卵 ê 雙生仔, 咱是研究組. 旅館 ê 大廳已經 kheh 滇滇一對一對 ê 30 外歲 ê 人, in 看著毋是小可相仝 tō 是完全相仝. 有時是仝款 ê 面 chhāi tī 無仝 ê 身軀頂 -- 其中一个雙生仔比猶一个較肥, a̍h 是其中一个雙生仔已經參加健身運動. 往往 mā 是仝面無仝頭毛色, 頭毛長度, 喙鬚, a̍h 是別位 ê 毛. 有一對雙生仔是貓王 Elvis ê 模仿者 -- 這一看 tō 知. 猶有 hiah-ê 仝款仝款 ê 雙生仔. In tī 大廳踅來踅去, 兩个兩个做伙開講, a̍h 是 ná 熊相 siâm án-ne 拍招呼, 看著有夠奇怪. Kap 大部份 ê 人仝款, 我 mā 罕得拄著雙生仔大人. In 看著 lóng 誠大漢. 咱人看著 ê 雙生仔毋是嬰仔 tō 是囡仔, chă 囡仔穿仝款 ê 衫仔, 查埔囡仔戴仝款 ê 帽仔; 雙生仔大人 ká-ná 怪怪, 在我看 mā 是 án-ne. M̄-koh, 阮 lóng 來 tī chia. 阮中間有 ê 人動作仝款, 用仝款 ê 手勢. 阮 ê 頭腦 mā 生做仝款. 這是遺傳學 ê 把戲, 是一个垃圾把戲. [* its = iā-tō-sī]

我去可怕 ê 天井遠遠彼頭 ê 登記台領我 ê 名牌. 頂面寫 MZ: AMANDA 173. 這 tō 是我, 單卵雙生仔 (Monozygotic) Amanda.

"MZ Samantha 173 來領她 ê 名牌未?"

辦事員 kă  講, 猶未. 當然, Samantha 是毋是會出現 tī chiah-ê 週末, 干焦天 chiah 知. M̄-koh 她總是有來. 她一般需要這个錢.

Jason 和 Ivan 坐 tī 大廳 ê 膨椅, 兩人無 sio-chhap. "Chia 誠漚." Jason 講. 確實, 旅館 kap 過去仝款漚古, 雖罔頂改來了, in 已經 kā 外面漆做粉紅仔色 ê.

"凡勢你會佮意游泳池!" 我笑 hi-hi kā 講.

Jason mā 對我笑一下. "Hehe, Mă, 凡勢我會!"

"莫叫她 Mă," Ivan 講.

"是 án-nóa 莫? 我想講, 我叫她 Mă, 你會真歡喜."

"好 ah. 莫 koh 叫 ah."

Ivan 穿西裝. Ivan 總是穿西裝. Jason 穿闊 long-long ê 短衫褲, ká-ná 強欲 kā 伊彼細粒子 ê 身軀包入去 -- 規个跤頭趺 kap 手後蹺. 伊 kā ka-tī ê 物件裝 tī 一个紙袋仔 nih, 袋仔頂印一間健康食品店 ê 名. Tī chit-lō 無捨世 ê 小所在, 我看著 in 老母 ê 縮影: 一个 tī Ivan 拄著我前後所放捒 ê 著磨, 心煩, koh 略仔肥 ê 查某. Jason mā 扎一个輪枋 (skateboard) 和一个鬥耳機 ê CD 音樂機, 聲量開真大, 電梯門一下關起來, 我 tō 聽會著聲. 我若無聽毋著去, 彼是一个查某 tī 伊 ê 耳空咻 "Kàn, 莫 koh 疼 ah" 這句話.

*

3.

YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!

OVER THE TWENTY-YEAR LIFESPAN OF THE CALIFORNIA TWIN STUDY, WE'VE GATHERED VITAL INFORMATION THAT HAS BEEN OF GREAT BENEFIT TO THE FIELDS OF SCIENCE, SOCIAL SCIENCE, AND MEDICINE. SOME OF THE DATA WE'VE COLLECTED FROM OUR PARTICIPANTS HAS BEEN USEFUL IN OUR UNDERSTANDING OF:

GENETICS

CANCER

AGING AND GERIATRICS

MENTAL HEALTH

THE CHANGING AMERICAN FAMILY

WE ARE DELIGHTED BY YOUR CONTINUING PARTICIPATION IN THE CALIFORNIA TWIN STUDY AND LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AT OUR NEXT MEETING.

The following weekend will be dizygotic, fraternal twins, the control group. Our weekend is monozygotic, identical twins, the freaks. Already the hotel lobby is filled with pairs of people in their thirties who look either somewhat or exactly alike. Sometimes it's the same face on different bodies -- one twin is fatter than the other, or one twin has taken up body building. Often it's the same face with different hair color, hair length, facial hair, hair anything. One twin is an Elvis impersonator -- need I say more? Then there are the twins who look exactly the same. It's strange to see them milling around the lobby, talking in pairs or greeting each other with bear hugs. Like most people, I'm not used to seeing identical adults. They all look gigantic. Twinning is something that one encounters in children or babies, little girls with matching dresses, adorable boys with matching caps; adult twins seem aberrant, even to me. Yet here we are. Some of us even move the same way, or use the same gestures. Our brains are wired up the same. It's a trick of genetics, a dirty trick.

I go to the registration desk at the far end of the god-awful atrium and pick up my name tag. It says MZ: AMANDA 173. That's me, Monozygotic Amanda.

"Has MZ Samantha 173 picked up her tag yet?"

The clerk tells me that she has not. It's perpetually up in the air, of course, whether Samantha will even show up for these weekends. But she always has. She generally needs the money.

Jason and Ivan are on the lobby couches, ignoring each other. "This place sucks," Jason says. Indeed, the hotel remains as noxious as ever, though they've painted the exterior pink since my last visit.

"Maybe you'll like the swimming pool!" I smile brightly.

Jason smiles back. "Gee whiz, Mom, maybe I will!"

"Don't call her Mom," Ivan says.

"Why not? I thought you'd be happy if I called her Mom."

"Enough. Just quit it."

Ivan is in a suit. Ivan is always in a suit. Jason is in baggy shorts that seem to be swallowing his beanpole frame -- all knees and elbows. He carries his belongings in a paper bag with the name of a health food store on it. In this sad detail I see a thumbnail sketch of his mother, a harried, distracted, slightly overweight woman Ivan ditched around the time he met me. Jason is also carrying a skateboard and a headset CD player turned up so loud that I can hear it once the elevator doors close. If I'm not mistaken, there's a woman screaming the words "fuck the pain away" into his ears.

*