4. I ē thau súi cha-bó͘ ê miâ
"Tek-khak sī án-ne. Bô-lâng pó-hō͘ góa, góa tio̍h ka-tī thó-chia̍h, kiû seng-chûn. M̄-koh, thōng kan-khó͘ ê sī, bô lâng thang kau-pôe. Góa bē-tàng hām kâu-san a̍h hām jîn-lūi kau-tâm. Hit-chióng ko͘-li̍p siōng-kài chheh-sim. Takasakiyama ū chē-chē jîn-lūi iû-kheh, m̄-koh góa bē-tàng chhìn-chhái tō hām sio-tú ê lâng kóng-ōe. Nā án-ne, tāi-chì ē chin tōa-tiâu. Kiat-kio̍k, góa lûn-lo̍h kàu bô tī chia mā bô tī hia, m̄-sī jîn-lūi siā-hōe ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn, mā m̄-sī kâu-san siā-hōe ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn. He sī chi̍t-chióng chhi-chhám ê chûn-chāi."
"Jî-chhiáⁿ, lí mā bē-tàng thiaⁿ Bruckner ê im-ga̍k ah."
"Bô m̄-tio̍h. He taⁿ m̄-sī góa ê seng-oa̍h ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn ah," Shinagawa Kâu kóng, koh lim chi̍t-kóa bihlù. Góa siông-sè khòaⁿ i ê bīn, m̄-koh, in-ūi he goân-lâi tō-sī âng-sek, góa khòaⁿ bē-chhut he kám ū piàn khah âng. Góa liāu-sióng, chit-chiah kâu ū chiú-liōng. A̍h sī kóng, tùi kâu lâi kóng, lí bô hoat-tō͘ khòaⁿ bīn chai-iáⁿ in sī-m̄-sī chiú-chùi ah."
"Lēng-gōa chi̍t-hāng chin hō͘ góa tio̍h-bôa ê tāi-chì, tō-sī hām lú-sèng ê koan-hē lah."
"Sī oh," Góa kóng. "Hām lú-sèng ê ‘koan-hē,’ lí sī kóng...?"
"Kán-tan kóng, góa tùi kâu-bó chi̍t sut-á sèng-io̍k to bô. Góa ū chē-chē kap yin chò-hóe ê ki-hōe, m̄-koh lóng bô siáⁿ kám-kak."
"Só͘-í, sui-bóng lí ka-tī sī kâu, kâu-bó mā bē hō͘ lí khí-giàn?"
"Tio̍h. Oân-choân chèng-khak. Kóng khí-lâi kiàn-siàu, m̄-koh láu-si̍t kóng, góa kan-ta ē ài jîn-lūi lú-sèng."
Góa tiām-tiām bô kóng ōe, kā poe-á nih ê bihlù lim ta. Góa liah-khui hit-pau so͘-chhè ê tām-sám, kō͘ chhiú sa chi̍t-me. "Che khó-lêng ē chō-sêng chin-chiàⁿ ê būn-tê, góa sī án-ne siūⁿ."
"Tio̍h, chin-chiàⁿ ê būn-tê, khak-si̍t sī. Pit-kèng góa sī chi̍t-chiah kâu, góa bô khó-lêng kî-thāi jîn-lūi lú-sèng tùi góa ê io̍k-bōng ē ū siáⁿ hoán-èng. Koh-kóng, che mā ûi-hoán ûi-thoân-ha̍k."
Góa tán i kè-sio̍k kóng lo̍h-khì. Kâu-san piàⁿ-miā so i ê hīⁿ-á āu-bīn, lo̍h-bóe koh kè-sio̍k kóng.
"Só͘-í, góa tio̍h chhōe pa̍t-chióng hong-hoat, lâi pâi-kái góa he tit bē-tio̍h boán-chiok ê io̍k-bōng."
"Lí kóng ê ‘pa̍t-chióng hong-hoat,’ sī siáⁿ ì-sù?"
Kâu-san ê ba̍k-thâu kat kah jiâu-jiâu. I ê âng-bīn piàn kah sió-khóa khah o͘.
"Lí khó-lêng bē siong-sìn góa," kâu-san kóng. "Lí khó-lêng bē siong-sìn góa, góa tio̍h án-ne kóng. M̄-koh, ùi bó͘ chi̍t sî-chūn khí, góa khai-sí thau góa kah-ì ê cha-bó͘ yin ê miâ."
"Thau yin ê miâ?"
"Bô m̄-tio̍h. Góa m̄-chai sī án-nóa, m̄-koh góa ká-ná thian-seng ū hit-chióng châi-tiāu. Chí-iàu góa kah-ì, góa tō ē-tàng kā pa̍t-lâng ê miâ thau kòe-lâi, piàn chiâⁿ góa ê."
Chi̍t-chūn gî-he̍k chhiâng ǹg góa.
"Góa m̄-chai, góa kám thiaⁿ ū lí ê ōe," góa kóng. "Lí kóng, lí thau pa̍t-lâng ê miâ, ì-sù sī-m̄-sī, yin ê miâ kui-ê bô--khì?"
"M̄-sī. Yin ê miâ bô kui-ê bô--khì. Góa thau yin ê miâ ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn, kan-ta chi̍t-sut-á. M̄-koh, tán góa the̍h cháu hit pō͘-hūn, hit-ê miâ tō piàn khah hi ah, pí í-chêng khah khin ah. He tō ná ji̍t-thâu hō͘ hûn jia tio̍h, lí tī thô͘-kha ê iáⁿ tō khah bông ah. Jî-chhiáⁿ, kin-kì bô kāng ê lâng, yin mā khó-lêng bô ì-sek tio̍h chit-chióng sún-sit. Yin kan-ta kám-kak tāi-chì sió-khóa koài-koài."
"M̄-koh, mā ū-lâng khak-si̍t ē ì-sek tio̍h chit-tiám, sī bô? Chai yin chi̍t pō͘-hūn ê miâ í-keng tio̍h chhat-thau."
"Tio̍h, tong-jiân. Ū-sî, yin hoat-hiān bē-kì-tit ka-tī ê miâ. Án-ne chin bô lī-piān, chin khùn-jiáu, lí siūⁿ mā chai. Jî-chhiáⁿ, yin sīm-chì khó-lêng jīn bē-chhut ka-tī ê miâ sī siáⁿ. Chi̍t-kóa chêng-hêng hā, yi cho-siū kiông-boeh sit-khì sin-hūn ê thòng-khó͘. He lóng sī góa ê chōe-kò, in-ūi yin ê miâ sī góa thau ê. Tùi che, góa kám-kak chin phō-khiam. Góa chhiâng-chāi kám-kak tio̍h taⁿ chōe-kò liông-sim ê tāng-tàⁿ. Góa chai án-ne m̄-tio̍h, m̄-koh góa bô hoat-tō͘ chó͘-chí ka-tī. Góa m̄-sī boeh ūi ka-tī ê hêng-ûi chhōe chioh-kháu, sī góa sin-khu ê dopamine pek góa án-ne chò. Bē-su ná ū chi̍t-ê siaⁿ-im teh kā góa kóng, ‘Heh, kín khì, khì thau hit-ê miâ. He bô hoān-hoat, mā bē án-nóa.’"
Góa siang-chhiú sio-siâm, siông-sè khòaⁿ kâu-san. Dopamine? Lo̍h-bóe, góa khui-chhùi. "Iá, lí thau ê miâ, kan-ta sī lí tùi yin ū io̍k-bōng ê cha-bó͘ ê miâ. Góa án-ne kóng, tio̍h bô?"
"Chèng-khak. Góa bē thau chhìn-chhái lâng ê miâ."
"Lí í-keng thau kúi-ê miâ ah?"
Kâu-san piáu-chêng giâm-siok, áu chéng-thâu-á sǹg chi̍t-ē. Ná teh sǹg, i ná i-i ū-ū chhut-siaⁿ. I ê thâu gia̍h khí-lâi. "Lóng-chóng chhit ê. Góa thau chhit-ê cha-bó͘ ê miâ."
Án-ne sǹg sī chē, a̍h-sī bô sǹg chin chē? Siáⁿ-lâng chai ah?
"Só͘-í, lí sī án-nóa chò ê?" góa mn̄g. "Lí ē-sái kóng hŏa chai bô?"
"Chú-iàu sī khò ì-chì ê le̍k-liōng. Chù-ì ê le̍k-liōng, cheng-sîn ê lêng-liōng. M̄-koh, án-ne iáu bô-kàu. Góa su-iàu ū si̍t-chè siá hit-lâng ê miâ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Sin-hūn-chèng siōng lí-sióng. Kà-sú chip-chiàu, ha̍k-seng-chèng, pó-hiám-khah, a̍h hō͘-chiàu. Chit-khoán ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Miâ-pâi mā ē-sái. Chóng-kóng chi̍t-kù, góa su-iàu chiáng-ak chi̍t-ê chhiūⁿ hit-khoán ê si̍t-chè mi̍h-kiāⁿ. Thong-siông, thau-the̍h sī ûi-it ê hong-hoat. Tī lâng bô tī-leh ê sî, thau-thau-á ji̍p-khì yin pâng-keng, che góa chin se̍k-chhiú. Góa chhōe tio̍h ū siá yin ê miâ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, tō kā thau-the̍h lâi."
"Só͘-í, lí kō͘ ū hit-ê cha-bó͘ ê miâ ê mi̍h-kiāⁿ, koh ke lí ê ì-chì, tō ē-tàng thau yi ê miâ?"
"Oân-choân chèng-khak. Góa kim-kim siòng hit-ê siá tī hia ê miâ, siòng kú-kú, chi̍p-tiong góa ê chêng-kám, khip-siu hit-ê góa só͘ ài ê lâng ê miâ. He su-iàu chin tn̂g ê sî-kan, cheng-sîn hām sin-thé lóng chin thiám. Góa kui-sim kui-ì chìm tī hia, jiân-āu hit-ê cha-bó͘ ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn tō piàn-chò góa ê chi̍t pō͘-hūn. Chū án-ne, góa goân-pún bô chhut-lō͘ ê kám-chêng hām io̍k-bōng, mā ē tit-tio̍h an-choân ê boán-chiok.
"Só͘-í bô jīm-hô bah-thé siōng ê khan-sia̍p?"
- -
4. 伊會偷媠查某 ê 名
"的確是 án-ne. 無人保護我, 我著家己討食, 求生存. 毋過, thōng 艱苦 ê 是, 無人通交陪. 我袂當和猴山 a̍h 和人類交談. 彼種孤立上蓋慼心. Takasakiyama 有濟濟人類遊客, 毋過我袂當凊彩 tō 和相拄 ê 人講話. 若 án-ne, 代誌會真大條. 結局, 我淪落到無 tī 遮 mā 無 tī 遐, 毋是人類社會 ê 一部份, mā 毋是猴山社會 ê 一部份. 彼是一種悽慘 ê 存在."
"而且, 你 mā 袂當聽 Bruckner ê 音樂 ah."
"無毋著. 彼今毋是我 ê 生活 ê 一部份 ah," Shinagawa 猴講, koh 啉一寡 bihlù. 我詳細看伊 ê 面, 毋過, 因為彼原來就是紅色, 我看袂出彼敢有變較紅. 我料想, 這隻猴有酒量. 抑是講, 對猴來講, 你無法度看面知影 in 是毋是酒醉 ah."
"另外一項真予我著磨 ê 代誌, 就是和女性 ê 關係 lah."
"是 oh," 我講. "和女性 ê ‘關係,’ 你是講...?"
"簡單講, 我對猴母一屑仔性慾 to 無. 我有濟濟 kap 姻做伙 ê 機會, 毋過攏無啥感覺."
"所以, 雖罔你家己是猴, 猴母 mā 袂予你起癮?"
"著. 完全正確. 講起來見笑, 毋過老實講, 我干焦會愛人類女性."
我恬恬無講話, kā 杯仔 nih ê bihlù 啉焦. 我裂開彼包酥脆 ê 啖糝, kō͘ 手捎一 me. "這可能會造成真正 ê 問題, 我是 án-ne 想."
"著, 真正 ê 問題, 確實是. 畢竟我是一隻猴, 我無可能期待人類女性對我 ê 慾望會有啥反應. 閣講, 這 mā 違反遺傳學."
我等伊繼續講落去. 猴山拚命挲伊 ê 耳仔後面, 落尾 koh 繼續講.
"所以, 我著揣別種方法, 來排解我 he 得袂著滿足 ê 慾望."
"你講 ê ‘別種方法,’ 是啥意思?"
猴山 ê 目頭結甲皺皺. 伊 ê 紅面變甲小可較烏.
"你可能袂相信我," 猴山講. "你可能袂相信我, 我著 án-ne 講. 毋過, ùi 某一時陣起, 我開始偷我佮意 ê 查某姻 ê 名."
"偷姻 ê 名?"
"無毋著. 我毋知是按怎, 毋過我敢若天生有彼種才調. 只要我佮意, 我 tō 會當 kā 別人 ê 名偷過來, 變成我 ê."
一陣疑惑沖 ǹg 我.
"我毋知, 我敢聽有你 ê 話," 我講. "你講, 你偷別人 ê 名, 意思是毋是, 姻 ê 名規个無-去?"
"毋是. 姻 ê 名無規个無-去. 我偷姻 ê 名 ê 一部份, 干焦一屑仔. 毋過, 等我提走彼部份, 彼个名 tō 變較虛 ah, 比以前較輕 ah. 彼 tō ná 日頭予雲遮著, 你 tī 塗跤 ê 影 tō 較蒙 ah. 而且, 根據無仝 ê 人, 姻 mā 可能無意識著這種損失. 姻干焦感覺代誌小可怪怪."
"毋過, mā 有人確實會意識著這點, 是無? 知姻一部份 ê 名已經著賊偷."
"著, 當然. 有時, 姻發現袂記得家己 ê 名. Án-ne 真無利便, 真困擾, 你想 mā 知. 而且, 姻甚至可能認袂出家己 ê 名是啥. 一寡情形下, 她遭受強欲失去身份 ê 痛苦. 彼攏是我 ê 罪過, 因為姻 ê 名是我偷 ê. 對這, 我感覺真抱歉. 我常在感覺著擔罪過良心 ê 重擔. 我知 án-ne 毋著, 毋過我無法度阻止家己. 我毋是欲為家己 ê 行為揣借口, 是我身軀 ê dopamine 迫我 án-ne 做. 袂輸 ná 有一个聲音 teh kā 我講, ‘Heh, 緊去, 去偷彼个名. 彼無犯法, mā 袂按怎.’"
我雙手相尋, 詳細看猴山. Dopamine? 落尾, 我開喙. "也, 你偷 ê 名, 干焦是你對姻有慾望 ê 查某 ê 名. 我 án-ne 講, 著無?"
"正確. 我袂偷凊彩人 ê 名."
"你已經偷幾个名 ah?"
猴山表情嚴肅, 拗指頭仔算一下. Ná teh 算, 伊 ná i-i ū-ū 出聲. 伊 ê 頭攑起來. "攏總七个. 我偷七个查某 ê 名."
Án-ne 算是濟, 抑是無算真濟? 啥人知 ah?
"所以, 你是按怎做 ê?" 我問. "你會使講 hŏa 知無?"
"主要是靠意志 ê 力量. 注意 ê 力量, 精神 ê 能量. 毋過, án-ne 猶無夠. 我需要有實際寫彼人 ê 名 ê 物件. 身份證上理想. 駕駛執照, 學生證, 保險卡, a̍h 護照. 這款 ê 物件. 名牌 mā 會使. 總講一句, 我需要掌握一个像彼款 ê 實際物件. 通常, 偷提是唯一 ê 方法. Tī 人無 tī-leh ê 時, 偷偷仔入去姻房間, 這我真熟手. 我揣著有寫姻 ê 名 ê 物件, tō kā 偷提來."
"所以, 你 kō͘ 有彼个查某 ê 名 ê 物件, 閣加你 ê 意志, tō 會當偷她 ê 名?"
"完全正確. 我金金相彼个寫 tī 遐 ê 名, 相久久, 集中我 ê 情感, 吸收彼个我所愛 ê 人 ê 名. 彼需要真長 ê 時間, 精神和身體攏真忝. 我規心規意浸 tī 遐, 然後彼个查某 ê 一部份 tō 變做我 ê 一部份. 自 án-ne, 我原本無出路 ê 感情和慾望, mā 會得著安全 ê 滿足.
"所以無任何肉體上 ê 牽涉?"
- -
4.
“Indeed it was. Nobody protected me, and I had to scrounge for food on my own and somehow survive. But the worst thing was not having anyone to communicate with. I couldn’t talk with monkeys or with humans. Isolation like that is heartrending. Takasakiyama is full of human visitors, but I couldn’t just start up a conversation with whomever I happened to come across. Do that and there’d be hell to pay. The upshot was that I wound up sort of neither here nor there, not part of human society, not part of the monkeys’ world. It was a harrowing existence.”
“And you couldn’t listen to Bruckner, either.”
“True. That’s not part of my life now,” the Shinagawa Monkey said, and drank some more beer. I studied his face, but, since it was red to begin with, I didn’t notice it turning any redder. I figured this monkey could hold his liquor. Or maybe with monkeys you can’t tell from their faces when they’re drunk.
“The other thing that really tormented me was relations with females.”
“I see,” I said. “And by ‘relations’ with females you mean—?”
“In short, I didn’t feel a speck of sexual desire for female monkeys. I had a lot of opportunities to be with them, but never really felt like it.”
“So female monkeys didn’t turn you on, even though you’re a monkey yourself?”
“Yes. That’s exactly right. It’s embarrassing, but, honestly, I could only love human females.”
I was silent and drained my glass of beer. I opened the bag of crunchy snacks and grabbed a handful. “That could lead to some real problems, I would think.”
“Yes, real problems, indeed. Me being a monkey, after all, there was no way I could expect human females to respond to my desires. Plus, it runs counter to genetics.”
I waited for him to go on. The monkey rubbed hard behind his ear and finally continued.
“So I had to find another method of ridding myself of my unfulfilled desires.”
“What do you mean by ‘another method’?”
The monkey frowned deeply. His red face turned a bit darker.
“You may not believe me,” the monkey said. “You probably won’t believe me, I should say. But, from a certain point on, I started stealing the names of the women I fell for.”
“Stealing their names?”
“Correct. I’m not sure why, but I seem to have been born with a special talent for it. If I feel like it, I can steal somebody’s name and make it my own.”
A wave of confusion hit me.
“I’m not sure I get it,” I said. “When you say you steal people’s names, does that mean that they completely lose their name?”
“No. They don’t totally lose their name. I steal part of their name, a fragment. But when I take that part the name gets less substantial, lighter than before. Like when the sun clouds over and your shadow on the ground gets that much paler. And, depending on the person, they might not be aware of the loss. They just have a sense that something’s a little off.”
“But some do clearly realize it, right? That a part of their name has been stolen?”
“Yes, of course. Sometimes they find they can’t remember their name. Quite inconvenient, a real bother, as you might imagine. And they may not even recognize their name for what it is. In some cases, they suffer through something close to an identity crisis. And it’s all my fault, since I stole that person’s name. I feel very sorry about that. I often feel the weight of a guilty conscience bearing down on me. I know it’s wrong, yet I can’t stop myself. I’m not trying to excuse my actions, but my dopamine levels force me to do it. Like there’s a voice telling me, ‘Hey, go ahead, steal the name. It’s not like it’s illegal or anything.’ ”
I folded my arms and studied the monkey. Dopamine? Finally, I spoke up. “And the names you steal are only those of the women you love or sexually desire. Do I have that right?”
“Exactly. I don’t randomly steal just anybody’s name.”
“How many names have you stolen?”
With a serious expression, the monkey totalled it up on his fingers. As he counted, he was muttering something. He looked up. “Seven in all. I stole seven women’s names.”
Was this a lot, or not so many? Who could say?
“So how do you do it?” I asked. “If you don’t mind telling me?”
“It’s mostly by will power. Power of concentration, psychic energy. But that’s not enough. I need something with the person’s name actually written on it. An I.D. is ideal. A driver’s license, student I.D., insurance card, or passport. Things of this sort. A nametag will work, too. Anyway, I need to get hold of an actual object like one of those. Usually, stealing is the only way. I’m pretty skilled at sneaking into people’s rooms when they’re out. I scout around for something with their name on it and take it.”
“So you use that object with the woman’s name on it, along with your will power, to steal a name?”
“Precisely. I stare at the name that’s written there for a long time, focussing my emotions, absorbing the name of the person I love. It takes a lot of time and is mentally and physically exhausting. I get completely engrossed in it, and somehow a part of the woman becomes a part of me. And my affection and my desire, which until then had no outlet, are safely satisfied.”
“So there’s nothing physical involved?”
- -
